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Parents of Teenagers, does it ever get better?

jaysonsmom

jaysonsmom

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2004
Messages
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I have a 16 year old and a 14 year old. Both are belligerent, rude, disrespectful all the time. They were so well behaved and kind children (even won character awards) before they hit their teenage years.....I'm at the end of my rope and have serious thought of 1) kicking them out of the house, or 2) abandoning my family and leaving myself. Any words of comfort appreciated.
 
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I have the same problem. Not with my oldest, but with my youngest who just turned 12 and who talks back and challenges me on a daily basis. You have to decide what your limits are, what your house rules are and stick with them. If they do behavior that is over the line, first a warning and then consequences. Keep the emotion out of it. I am recently divorced. My ex was the primary parent who while being a good Dad in loving his kids, would not institute or enforce any house rules, no matter how many "family meetings" we had. 0 follow up. And since he was the primary parent whatever I tried to do was undermined. He also modeled bad behavior by being dismissive and rude to me, that unfortunately the youngest picked up on : (. she was mad that her Dad left, but she took it out on me. I have my work cut out for me to turn things around. But it's not going to get better on it's own. Some things that are helping. Family check ins, with house rules on the fridge (including behavioral, no yelling, door slamming etc). Each kid has daily chores to do and if they are not done privileges taken away like tv or tablet time.
 
So sorry you are going through this because it is very hard and I feel for you. I can only speak to what happened in my house with my twin sons. That kind of behavior was not tolerated though it was attempted and thwarted immediately by both myself and my husband - we had to be a team. I wasn't the mom that said - Wait until your father gets home. Kids do want and need firm direction, not for parents to be their friends.

Good wishes and comfort to you because I know how hard it can be.
 
My eldest daughter was such a pleasant helpful kid, but even she gave me some issues in the 16ish to 17th years. She's 31 now. A total sweetheart and so helpful and thoughtful. My youngest was a handful. She tried to be basically good, but we just didn't get along that well in her teen years. She always had trouble with school. Finally, in her second year of college, I told her to move away. I thought it might give her a better taste of adulthood. It sort of helped but was a disaster in other ways. She is now 28 and has a good job. She managed. They manage. That's the best I can give you. There will be years when you don't much like your kids possibly. Give them the tools to succeed and do your best. The thing I was never prepared for was the fact that you don't just stop parenting when they reach 18. You're still at it when they're 30 and beyond! Maybe more passively so, but the inner emotions I think will be there forever. Good luck. PS Turned out both of my daughters had ADHD undiagnosed until adults. With medication, both were able to do really well in school. Eldest is back in school for some post grad work. EDIT: btw, during the teen years they kind of hated each other, which presents other problems. They got over that completely and are quite close.
 
The only thing I will say is, yes, it does get better, but you have to set boundaries and you have to carry out of the consequences you say there will be. BUT most importantly, you both (parents) have to be on the same page. If you say no, then the other parent has to back you 100%, so they know they’re not going to get away with anything by going to the other parent.

Hang in there, the teenage years are very trying while they’re trying to flex their muscles and prove they’re adults - which of course they’re not.

This was on a bumper sticker which just about sums it up!

Hire a teenager, while they still know everything!!
 
@jaysonsmom mine are the same ages, I sympathise! I have often felt that way too. My husband says “pick your battles” which has helped. I’ve also started doing some things just for me, like going out for nice walks, or meeting friends for coffee. It gets me out of the house and provides distraction and relaxation. Everyone tells me it gets better, I can only hope!
 
We had a complicated situation with my step daughter. I hope she got/gets better. I thought about leaving. I was miserable. My husband was miserable. We nearly divorced. She was rude, argumentative, hugely disrespectful, and even pulled back to hit me. It was bad. Her mom just kept it going no matter what we did. We could say there would be consequences but her mom would melt down and make life miserable if we tried to make anything stick. She (the step daughter) seriously seems to enjoy watching people be miserable. Every moment of every day was beyond what I could handle.

She no longer lives with us. She turned 18 and we sent all of her stuff to her mom's house. Paid for the next quarter of college and did all of the paperwork for her to have loans to live on campus and keep going. She chose to stay with her mom instead. Quit going to school, lost her job, and has ended up moving to go to a private university near her aunt.


ETA: Not suggesting this! Just mentioning the worst case. Teach them the foundations so that even if they aren't kind to you, they know to he kind/caring to others. Give them the skills to learn and make sure they can succeed when they decide they want to.
 
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All that to say that you will get through. Just hang in there and do your best. If you have to, you can point them to a good start and let them keep going.

(Ours was unique as she had a (diagnosed) crazy person as a mother and had been surrounded in unhealthy for her entire life. She seriously thought she could live with us until we died and never have to work because we would die and it would all be hers. No, counseling didn't help...)
 
Yes it gets better. It does take time.

They don't get less mouthy quickly though. With my teens I had to set up new patterns of communication. When they are at school they learn and see back talking, sarcasm, bashing and just flat out mean children. The attitudes seen and acquired there often came home with them and it affects their self esteem. There is often nothing a parent can do to stop this. With my children who dealt with bullies it was very difficult.
Some of it is unseen hormones. It is very hard for kids to pass through these changes and understand why they feel snippy and short tempered. Even when they acknowledge that they are being snippy it is hard for them to step back and say nothing when they just want to scream. I could state the sky is usually blue and the tree leaves are green in the summer and they could some how find a way to disagree or pick an argument.

Here is what often helped with my children as they adjusted to becoming an adult.

When it started, I would not have a conversation with a child unless I was seated with them. - no standing and one person walking away or ignoring the other. Each of us in the conversation deserved respect of the others attention.

Once seated, I had a printed outline we both had copies of and agreed to follow - please forgive me if I forget all the details but it went something like this.

In a calm and patient voice each person acknowledges that the other has come and they appreciate the effort to have a conversation that will be productive and positive.

- Each person is to thank the other for something genuine that they appreciate about the other person. ( no sarcasm. It can be a simple compliment - even if it is - I appreciate that you brush your teeth everyday because you always have fresh breath or I think you do a great job with your makeup, just find something. )

- The person with concerns must state in a kind voice what their concern is and what they would like to see as a way to fix it ( if this cannot be done without picking a fight the person with a concern is to write it on paper and all responses are to be on paper. NO yelling )

-The other person must recognize that the other persons feelings are real even if they don't agree with the problem or solution.

-If the listener cannot agree to what the other wants as a solution to the problem, they will need to ask the person with the concern, what they think is realistic and what a responsible parent would do. ( if you need to write each of these so there is no screaming or argument or interrupting then write this conversation.... If you cannot or do not want to write the conversation at the very least make sure you take turns talking ) you can use any object as a " my turn to talk " object to pass to each other so there isn't interrupting.

-Both people should suggest a few ideas to compromise. Come to an agreement - even if it is simply to do something as a compromise for a few days to TRY a solution and then later see if you want to make it a permanent adjustment - or to put the issue on the table and talk about it in the morning.

Most teens do not want to live in a home where there is fighting. They just don't know how to communicate the internal frustrations they feel without taking it out on the people who are home yet. Each child goes through this phase. Some take longer than others. When they finally get that you will not yell at them and they are not to yell at you -- and when they see that you are there to help them be happy in life for the LONG term not just now they are often willing to work to make sure that people are treated with the respect that each one deserves.

More than once, I would have a teen come in and put their pack on the hook and I would say hi and they would snip back "hi" in a rude tone or a "leave me alone" tone in a response. Instead of my first instinct to say " stop being a jerk" I would say nothing and find them and hug them. Tell them how proud I was of what ever they were doing good at. If they are not used to this it WILL be awkward at first. That is ok! Tell them they were loved. --- sometimes when I asked what can I do to help you - they would squiggle and complain "just leave me alone" . I would tell them ok but I would be back later to talk with them. Not all problems are easily fixed.
Sometimes, asking them to simply go for a walk or on a bike ride with me helped. We wouldn't talk about anything important. It was about them knowing that a parent cared and helping them see that no matter what they were loved. I remember once one of my boys was so frustrated that I said, I will leave you alone if you will walk with me to the end of the driveway and back. - He agreed and the whole way to the edge of the driveway and back I made funny faces at him and he after rolling his eyes at me finally made funny faces back. By the time we got home he was still grumpy, but he was in a less combative mood.

Teen years are hard. If we could look into their hearts and understand the pressures and fears that they have, we would be much more able to treat them with more kindness, patience, tolerance, and care. It is important to remember teens are not "fully finished versions of adults" even though they are big now. It is a process.
I had a saying - Love is being kind to people even when they don't deserve it.
This applies a million times over with a teenager.

It gets better but you have many long nights of worry on countless issues. Look for ways to help leave quiet messages of love and encouragement. Teach them to do the same for others so they can find the joy of helping someone outside their usual circle. As they replace their negative thoughts and fears and behaviors with positive ones amazing things can happen.
Approach everything from the starting point of your love and concern for their long term happiness and help them develop the patterns of positive communication with you. It takes practice and maturity for them to learn to be open. It will not happen easily at first, but it is worth to keep trying. Learning to accept each other for who we are and to assume that we are all doing the best we can with the skills they have so far, allows us to become the kind of parent, we may wish we had had when we were young.

One day in the near future you will find that your precious time with them is over and they are on their own. Spend each day with them building a relationship that will allow both of you to have fond memories. Those years flew by. I noticed when they knew my concern was for their long term happiness they were able to be more patient with me and my flaws as a human. I look back now and hope they saw that I wanted to show them kindness, a gentle acceptance, and a desire to play a positive role in their lives. Share my post with the teen. Ask them if they would be willing to try. If what is happening now isn't working, maybe they will be willing to try!
 
partgypsy said:
I have the same problem. Not with my oldest, but with my youngest who just turned 12 and who talks back and challenges me on a daily basis. You have to decide what your limits are, what your house rules are and stick with them. If they do behavior that is over the line, first a warning and then consequences. Keep the emotion out of it. I am recently divorced. My ex was the primary parent who while being a good Dad in loving his kids, would not institute or enforce any house rules, no matter how many "family meetings" we had. 0 follow up. And since he was the primary parent whatever I tried to do was undermined. He also modeled bad behavior by being dismissive and rude to me, that unfortunately the youngest picked up on : (. she was mad that her Dad left, but she took it out on me. I have my work cut out for me to turn things around. But it's not going to get better on it's own. Some things that are helping. Family check ins, with house rules on the fridge (including behavioral, no yelling, door slamming etc). Each kid has daily chores to do and if they are not done privileges taken away like tv or tablet time.
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My husband is a lot like your ex, he is a good dad, and doesn't enforce any of the rules that I set, like no cell phones at the dinner table. He is often the one that models bad behavior, like not eating any fruit or vegetables when I ask the kids to have at least 1 portion of fruit or vegetables per meal....Also, when they are screaming that they HATE me for taking their phones away (because they HAVE to listen to music while studying or doing homework), my husband just tell me that it is my fault that they treat me that way because they would never scream at him. I feel like leaving him just as much I want to leave the kids at times!
 
lyra said:
My eldest daughter was such a pleasant helpful kid, but even she gave me some issues in the 16ish to 17th years. She's 31 now. A total sweetheart and so helpful and thoughtful. My youngest was a handful. She tried to be basically good, but we just didn't get along that well in her teen years. She always had trouble with school. Finally, in her second year of college, I told her to move away. I thought it might give her a better taste of adulthood. It sort of helped but was a disaster in other ways. She is now 28 and has a good job. She managed. They manage. That's the best I can give you. There will be years when you don't much like your kids possibly. Give them the tools to succeed and do your best. The thing I was never prepared for was the fact that you don't just stop parenting when they reach 18. You're still at it when they're 30 and beyond! Maybe more passively so, but the inner emotions I think will be there forever. Good luck. PS Turned out both of my daughters had ADHD undiagnosed until adults. With medication, both were able to do really well in school. Eldest is back in school for some post grad work. EDIT: btw, during the teen years they kind of hated each other, which presents other problems. They got over that completely and are quite close.
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Both my kids are highly gifted kids. My 14 year old has anxiety and depression, we actually put her on birth control because her moods were so erratic, it seems to help a little. Sometimes I feel that my 16 year old may have Aspergers because certain clothing, food textures bother him a lot...they are both refuse to go see a therapist....both of them clam up and refuse to talk to a 'stranger' about their feelings, so I'm hoping they just get through these teenage years without driving me crazy. Hopefully once the puberty hormones stabilized, they will become the sweet people they were again.
 
TooPatient said:
We had a complicated situation with my step daughter. I hope she got/gets better. ....
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That's too bad TooPatient, sorry to hear how things worked out. I've always admired your kind, caring and welcoming treatment toward your stepdaughter. It's something I know I would not have been capable of.
 
jaysonsmom said:
Both my kids are highly gifted kids. My 14 year old has anxiety and depression, we actually put her on birth control because her moods were so erratic, it seems to help a little. Sometimes I feel that my 16 year old may have Aspergers because certain clothing, food textures bother him a lot...they are both refuse to go see a therapist....both of them clam up and refuse to talk to a 'stranger' about their feelings, so I'm hoping they just get through these teenage years without driving me crazy. Hopefully once the puberty hormones stabilized, they will become the sweet people they were again.
Click to expand...

I joke with my adult daughter that she finally became an interesting person that didn't want to kill me - and then she moved out!

It does get better, but that won't make it easier now. I can tell you as a high school teacher that anxiety and depression are practically epidemic with teens. There are theories that this may be a result of over scheduled, over managed childhoods. The idea being that a teen that never had the opportunity to make decisions as a child experiences anxiety over doing so as a young adult. I don't know if that's true or not. I do know that my parenting style was what is now sometimes called "free-range" and my daughter did not have issues with anxiety or depression. But she was still a major PITA from 15-18!

If you are not having issues with your children being rude and disrespectful at school then you know they can control their emotions when they have to. They could be using you as an emotional punching bag to release all the pent up bad feelings. Not everyone feels better from talking it out with a therapist. If there's a physical outlet that they would be willing to consider, it's worth a try.
 
TooPatient said:
We had a complicated situation with my step daughter. I hope she got/gets better. I thought about leaving. I was miserable. My husband was miserable. We nearly divorced. She was rude, argumentative, hugely disrespectful, and even pulled back to hit me. It was bad. Her mom just kept it going no matter what we did. We could say there would be consequences but her mom would melt down and make life miserable if we tried to make anything stick. She (the step daughter) seriously seems to enjoy watching people be miserable. Every moment of every day was beyond what I could handle.

She no longer lives with us. She turned 18 and we sent all of her stuff to her mom's house. Paid for the next quarter of college and did all of the paperwork for her to have loans to live on campus and keep going. She chose to stay with her mom instead. Quit going to school, lost her job, and has ended up moving to go to a private university near her aunt.


ETA: Not suggesting this! Just mentioning the worst case. Teach them the foundations so that even if they aren't kind to you, they know to he kind/caring to others. Give them the skills to learn and make sure they can succeed when they decide they want to.
Click to expand...

I think I gave them a firm foundation the first 10-12 years of their lives. Even though I have a fulltime demanding job, family always came first. Up until now, I always prepare all 3 meals for the family, weekends are always spent doing their activities...softball, volleyball, church, family trips and meals together. I still try to do all of the above, but now they rarely want to have anything to do with me. I could only hope that I could send them off to live with some other relative! My parents already turned me down.....other option, boarding school!
 
Snowdrop13 said:
@jaysonsmom mine are the same ages, I sympathise! I have often felt that way too. My husband says “pick your battles” which has helped. I’ve also started doing some things just for me, like going out for nice walks, or meeting friends for coffee. It gets me out of the house and provides distraction and relaxation. Everyone tells me it gets better, I can only hope!
Click to expand...

Great idea! just asked some coworkers to hangout out for a cocktail and dinner after work! No cooking and rushing home to cater to my family tonight :)
 
Thanks for the rest of you who have offer such great advice and insight, will be back after work to digest and respond, lunch break over :)
 
They do get better, but if you want a relationshio with them as adults, the work starts now.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Are you and your husband presenting a united front? Children are smart and they learn quickly how to manipulate the situation when parents are not in unison. When they act this way, are they still carrying around a cell phone or driving a car? Because that would end immediately. Are they seeing their friends? Sorry, not happening.

I'm the first to admit I'm a bit of a harda$$, but I am my father's daughter. When I was a kid, certain behaviors were just not tolerated if I wanted any freedom at all. I raised my kids the same way, and it can be summed up as nothing in life is free. My husband is a large, strong guy and my son's friends expressed some fear of him. His response: "Don't be afraid of my dad, be afraid of my mom". Truer words were never spoken.

And I never had to spank them or anything like that. Not my style.
 
Best advice is pick your battles and let everything else slide. It will be never ending circular arguments otherwise.
Sometimes they “fight you” just for the “fight”.
It’s the hormones and the desire to be adult not child that fuels it. They want to be adult when it suits them and child at other times. Testing boundaries all the time.
Try not to care if their room looks like a bomb has hit it, if they aren’t doing their chores as expected or required (I’ll clean the bathroom tomorrow and yet tomorrow never comes). Bad language, yelling etc - leave the room. Don’t like what you cooked - don’t eat it then.
But when comes to schoolwork, lying, breaking curfew, alcohol, smoking aka the big issues do not bend not an inch.
You are a parent first, not their “friend”.
“I want to do what I want when I want but can I have money to buy a new outfit and $50 for the night out and will you come and pick me up at Susie’s tomorrow at 11!”
If all else fails, have your own tantrum, slam your own door and go sulk in your bedroom for the rest of the day.
And repeat until about 20!
 
Survivor of 6 teenagers here. It does get better.
Both my DH and I had some issues with our collective kids and I feel that being a single parent made things tougher. Actually, the thing that made things so much worse was that we had each been married to a parent who basically abandoned their kids when they divorced. My ex did zero visitation and my kids suffered. His ex moved away and DH was on his own with 4 kids ages 7-16.
So---my point is that it is critical that you and your husband tackle these issues together. Have a united front.
I am not opposed to tough love. Rules and consequences are very important. I took away phones, driving privileges, etc. Their only spending money once they were 15-16 was what they earned from their jobs.

But please know that all your good work with your kids will pay off. I remember telling DH many, many times that the darling little boy he remembered was still inside the rebellious teenager. And he was---he is a delightful young man now at age 25. Their basic personality remains the same---just really bumpy for a while with many teenagers.
 
I forgot to add--sometimes when they are being really awful, simply touch them on your way by.
A pat on the shoulder or a quick hug with no words. I remember avoiding words at times-lol.

And they seem to talk to you more in the car, especially in the dark. So drive them places and LISTEN.
Find a common ground. Talk about music and ask their opinion on political or moral issues. How do they feel about global warming? Things like that.
And never, ever comment negatively on their appearance. Ever. They are hyper-sensitive about this.

Take a deep breath.
 
Guys do they just turn one day? At what age do they turn and stop being cuddly?
 
jaysonsmom said:
I have a 16 year old and a 14 year old. Both are belligerent, rude, disrespectful all the time. They were so well behaved and kind children (even won character awards) before they hit their teenage years.....I'm at the end of my rope and have serious thought of 1) kicking them out of the house, or 2) abandoning my family and leaving myself. Any words of comfort appreciated.
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pass me an oar, because we are in the same boat. Mine are 11 and 13, so I fear it's only going to get WORSE for a while.

This morning it was apparently my fault that my 11yo forgot her phone. Because she had asked me to charge it last night in the kitchen. Ok.....

and yesterday my 13yo said she needs to start bringing water to school and that she was thirsty all day. So when I asked whether her this morning if she wanted to get a water bottle , she sassed me because "that was yesterday"

OK A-holes, get in the car so I can drop you off at school...
 
You know what I would suggest? Is for you and your husband to go to joint counseling, so you guys can talk about your values and how to get to a place where you are on the same page with the kids. And heck, get some advice from a professional to enact a stable consistent home environment. Honestly, one of the main reasons why my parents drifted apart was that they had drastically different parenting styles, and at some point my Dad mentally threw up his hands and emotionally separated himself from the situation. It's not a trivial thing.
 
So much wonderful wisdom here! My “kids” are 32 and 29. Both married and successful. YES, it gets better. But in the meantime, stay consistent, pick your battles and never, ever give up. Your kids need you to *parent* them. They need your guidance and support always (of course they’d never admit it). Stay a shadowing presence. But most of all they need your unconditional love. Teen years are no exception.

From the day they took their first steps they were on their journey of independence, and it can be a long hard road of tough knocks. No truer words were spoken; parenting is the hardest job you will ever have! Much luck to you all!
 
They are breaking away from you and will look to peers more to get validation, that is the way it is. My brother in law was a school psychologist and the said 80% of middle school students fit the criteria for mental illness.

I found mothering teens to be a certain kind of hell. It certainly does end - sort of - they are becoming young adults and those cute cuddly little ones have moved on..

Your kids find you annoying, cloying, over protective, hovering, helicoptering etc (at least that is what my sons said to me).. I gave up sports with them..I gave up expecting them to listen to us, they didn't. They returned as listening adults around 23. Those years were tough.

Yes your kids are gifted, everyone's kids are gifted, my brother in law said every parent thinks or has their kid tested as being gifted, but that is a teeny part of who they are and most kids today are brilliant truthfully.

I let my boys go more free range, we stopped sports because one had a persistent shoulder dislocation and the other was a pain and we wouldn't pay for select soccer with is crappy grades, his choice.

They know they are driving you bonkers, they won't fall off the face of the earth if you do something for you..

My older son - around 22 - apologized for all his actions many times, was grateful, funny and kind and loved his mom again, but he was still separate and more mature and on his own. my younger son has always been quiet, GRANITE, and a nervous nelly... he has limits that I can't cross.

Lower your expectations if you are worried about college, SATs, PSATs, writing, AP classes and listen to them. I should have been more consistent with my sons and given them chores, and I sure wish I listened more and acted less.

Growing up is a bitch.
 
I forgot the other important thing. A healthy sense of humour is necessary. Life is fun again when they are actually adults. Then they tell you all about everything they did that you didn't know about and give you heart attacks.:eek2:
 
jaysonsmom said:
I have a 16 year old and a 14 year old. Both are belligerent, rude, disrespectful all the time. They were so well behaved and kind children (even won character awards) before they hit their teenage years.....I'm at the end of my rope and have serious thought of 1) kicking them out of the house, or 2) abandoning my family and leaving myself. Any words of comfort appreciated.
Click to expand...

Where are you going? I wanna come. Actually as long as there is VCA and room service, I’m in.
 
My daughter has severe emotional problems. One can actually say she is "mentally ill". She was a peach as a child, but the onset of her illness was at about age 12. Her teen years were hellish. She still has the same mental illness, but yes, she is better. Her psychiatrist told me that the brain changes a great deal between the mid teens and the early 20's; it physically matures. He said it would make a difference and it did. She is still not "normal". She is still wildly impulsive and has never held down a full-time job. She is not, however, the totally out of control adolescent she once was who became violent and got arrested. The change from her teen years, due to the maturation of her brain, is stunning.

There is absolutely hope for teenagers. My (very wise) father used to say that they needed an aging vat.

AGBF
 
jaysonsmom said:
Both my kids are highly gifted kids. My 14 year old has anxiety and depression, we actually put her on birth control because her moods were so erratic, it seems to help a little. Sometimes I feel that my 16 year old may have Aspergers because certain clothing, food textures bother him a lot...they are both refuse to go see a therapist....both of them clam up and refuse to talk to a 'stranger' about their feelings, so I'm hoping they just get through these teenage years without driving me crazy. Hopefully once the puberty hormones stabilized, they will become the sweet people they were again.
Click to expand...

My son had those and other symptoms, and sadly when he was younger it just wasn't diagnosed often. We finally got the Asperger's diagnosis in his late 20's when he had spent several years of pure hell trying to self medicate because he had such bad social anxiety and depression. Getting the right diagnosis made a huge difference as he didn't understand himself what was wrong. We don't have it fixed now. He is not well at all. The meds he ended up on were no better than the substances he tried to self medicate. This is why I'd seriously explore getting this evaluated before things get worse.

Honestly, many kids to day are awful to their parents. As a teacher, I saw behavior decline. I think high expectations for behavior are essential, and consequences for rudeness and poor behavior, as well. But it is hard to do unless both parents are on the same page.

I think you need a {{{hug}}}!
 
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