Patience - It''s a virtue????

[Browneyedgal]

Hi,

I was so glad I found this forum! I thought it was just me that was suffering the angst - its such a relief to know there are other LIW''s, not that I would wish it on anyone!

My situation is that we''ve been together for 2 years and for the last 6 months he''s been making thinly veiled comments about us getting married. We''ve had lots of talks and we both want children and we''re definately on the same page. We''re moving in together soon and I''d really like to be engaged when we do.

After he''d been to a works dinner and had been drinking he told me that he thinks he''s going to ask me in the "next few months", I think he''s forgotten that conversation but how do I stay patient and not go crazy while I wait?????????? Any advice?

Also he''s just finishing a post graduate course and I know he doesnt have much money for bling buying, and I think thats holding him back.

Any comments gratefully received,

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[jesterjigger]

The only thing that''s given me patience is having a "no later than" date. Otherwise I''d be nuts. See if you can discuss with him and agree upon a "no later than date". Welcome, by the way!

 

[sumbride]

Welcome!!! This place will help keep you sane!

I find that they have an easier time discussing it with a few drinks... he probably remembers the conversation but has been hesitant to bring it up again... so go out, have a couple of drinks, then bring it up again... before he got more comfortable with it, my guy really only talked extensively about it during our friday night dates at the local pub. It worked like a charm. Now he talks about it constantly, but I remember purposely waiting until he''d ordered his 2nd beer before I would mention anything wedding related.

If you want to get engaged when you move in together, you do need to discuss that with him. He may not feel the same way... my guy wanted to wait a year after we lived together, to see if it worked out, but 3 months into it he realized it did, but I still feel like he''s waiting until the year point, which coincides with a vacation we have planned.

 

[akw94]

Patience...not my best quality. I also have a tendency to want things now, especially when I know they are approaching.
My bf and I don''t have a real deadline either. We have a general time frame b/c we''re planning to move out of state in 2008...so some time before that.

I am working on being ok w/that. We have had general talks and he knows that I need more time than he would need in between each step. I would like each stage (us moving in together (this summer), the proposal, a period of being engaged, the wedding, a period of being married, out of state move) to each have their own moment and time. I don''t want to be engaged and then married in a month or two. I want to enjoy each part and plus, I have a tendency to get overwhelmed and easily stressed so I want time to adjust and plan for each step. He, of course, would be willing to have all much sooner and closer to 2008. So given all of that, i''d like him to ask in the winter.

I recently have stopped talking to him about it and am trying to let him take the lead. He will let me know when he''s ready so until then, I use PS as a great way to vent or express my thoughts. Actually, once I made the decision to stop talking to him about it, it has gotten a little easier. It was hard that 1st wk or so, but after that, I feel a little calmer and am more about enjoying the time we spend together. I have always enjoyed that time but sometimes it was preoccupied w/when will it happen. I also realized that sometimes it''s easy to get caught up in the idea of being engaged, especially once the two of you start talking about it. Until *he* mentioned looking at rings, it wasn''t at the front of my mind. After that, it became front and center, even though I am ok w/how things are now. When I remember that i''m ok waiting awhile and i''m not in a rush, it helps me. And while I wait, I am acquiring a ton of knowledge from PS. I know all about engagement rings (and still have so much to learn) and am gathering other ideas. It is fun and keeps my mind busy!

I hope that helped, at least a little. If nothing else, know that we empathize!

 

[blodthecat]

I thought the saying was ''patience is a virgin''

 

[Mandarine]

I guess all the replies already said it best!!!.....it is hard and patience....hmmm....you''ll come to see we don''t really practice what we preach ALL of the time (you know... be patient, your time will come, etc). I think every girl here has her ups and downs, so you''ll see venting threads here and there!.

I do thin having a "no later than" date helps...although not all the time, because I wish that was also sooner!...but it does help.

It''s great to be here and feel you are not alone in the waiting game!!!...so welcome!!

M~

 

[caligal]

I say "ditto" to the no later than ...blank timeline. It really helped me ease my anxiety of, "this is never going to happen!"

 

[FireGoddess]

I think I was absent the day patience was handed out.

 

[Maria D]

>>We''re moving in together soon and I''d really like to be engaged when we do.<<

I''m curious; why not just tell him you don''t want to live together unless you''re engaged? Is that considered being too pushy these days? I don''t understand why you would plan to move in together "soon" if you want to be engaged first. Why not make the move-in plans *after* he proposes?

 

[sk8rjen]

Welcome another new LIW! Sounds like he''s already on track with the "thinly veiled comments" so *that''s* positive! The patience thing -- well, yuck. I hate it. I have no patience, zilch. And also no "no later than" date (although my birthday was heavily implied once it''s in July). Honestly, I''d tell him what you told us: Each step should be important in its own rite. I feel much the same and my BF and I had a pretty serious talk when I found out he wanted to get engaged when he was ready to get married (meaning right beforehand). He thinks it''s a bit silly that I want to enjoy the bliss of looking forward to marrying him as his fiance. Another case of guys'' ideals vs. girls'' ideals (much like boy soon vs. girl soon) Just be honest. I think if he''s already dropping hints he''s probably readier than you think.

Glad you found PS! Best of luck!
jen

 

[anchor31]

Date: 5/3/2006 8:14:00 PM
Author: Maria D
We''re moving in together soon and I''d really like to be engaged when we do.

I''m curious; why not just tell him you don''t want to live together unless you''re engaged? Is that considered being too pushy these days? I don''t understand why you would plan to move in together ''soon'' if you want to be engaged first. Why not make the move-in plans *after* he proposes?

To some people, it is considered too pushy these days, yes. Last summer, my BF asked me to move in with him this summer, but I said no. Apart from school and money, the main reason why I refused was that I didn''t want to move in with him before we were engaged. Let me tell you that when I told him that, he wasn''t thinking about engagement just yet, so it came as quite a shock... But he respected that. However, I discussed my situation with some friends to get other perspectives, and the general reaction was that "I didn''t trust him, was freaking out and blackmailing him into marriage". Yeah, whatever.

Browneyedgal - If you really want to be engaged before you move in together, make sure he knows. If he loves you, respects you and wants to marry you, he''ll respect your wishes and propose before the move. If that''s what you think is best for you, don''t let anyone persuade you of the contrary.

About the initial question, I agree with the other ladies on the timeframe advice. I was given a 2006 timeframe back in November and it really, really, really calmed me down. My advice is just to ask him calmly that you''d like both of you to be on the same page and wouldn''t want to get unrealistic expectations, so you''d like to know if he has a general timeframe in mind for the proposal. You''ll see, it works wonders!

Welcome and good luck!

 

[Maria D]

>>However, I discussed my situation with some friends to get other perspectives, and the general reaction was that "I didn''t trust him, was freaking out and blackmailing him into marriage". Yeah, whatever.<<

Wow. I have to say that this amazes me. How on earth being honest with someone about your needs and expectations could possibly be misconstrued as blackmail -- or even being pushy -- is beyond me! So if a guy wants to live with his girlfriend and she wants to be engaged or even married first she should either just break up with him or put aside her own needs/values and go along with whatever he wants? Whatever happened to good old fashioned "women''s lib!"

I think your advice is excellent anchor31.

 

[diamondfan]

Patience is easy in theory, tougher in day to day life. I agree that you need to think about what makes you comfortable. If you do not want to live together without a ring and date or something close to that, I think it can be broached. Also, if you want some timeframe (a no later than thing) I think that is also worth saying. I do not know if I would want to be apprehensive or fearful about at least having one good discussion about it...could save a lot of anguish later! And, once you have an answer, I would not beat it to death unless you think something has changed...

I remember when I was dating my now husband, 16 years ago, and I started getting antsy about the future. We had not been together long at that point but had dated on and off for a few years, and I sort of felt, hey, is this going somewhere? If not, I do not see investing the time...I was only 24 but for some reason felt like having the perameters clear. He took me out to dinner to talk me off the ledge, because I was really getting nutty. He basically said, slow down, it is all good, and it will happen before you know it! We were engaged December 1989, and had started seeing eachother again July of 1989. I did not move in until we were engaged, not for any particular reason but just did not want to... but everyone is different! Good luck!