People who stonewall - so frustrating! Bad communication

[Jambalaya]

This seems to be a recurring theme in my life! Why are so many people so bad at communicating? Whenever someone has something they should discuss with me, they don't communicate. I wish people would sit me down and communicate if there's a problem, but they don't. They stonewall me until I get so upset that I'M the one who starts the conversation! And by that time, lots of damage has been done. That is, I'm freaked out that they could handle things like that, and I don't really feel the same way about the friendship or relationship.

I hoped that people would be better at communicating by the time they're pushing 50, but apparently not!

I think female friends are pretty bad this way. It's definitely happened to me, where someone's stonewalled me after a great friendship, but I never got any insights into why. I read a book where this topic came up, and a woman said that she considered that her friend had talked condescendingly about her upcoming wedding. So the bride didn't speak to her friend for TEN YEARS, but thought about her every day, and was currently trying to build bridges. But the friend she'd stonewalled was very wary.

I just had it happen with an ex who's a good friend. We always laugh and joke and are in frequent touch, friends only. He broke up with me, not the other way round, after having very little time for me when we were dating. I didn't take offense and was happy to be friends. Recently, I made a throwaway remark along the lines of how our romantic partnership wasn't meant to be - I thought that was a given - and he hasn't spoken to me for almost four weeks! I contacted him to ask if he's OK after 2.5 weeks and again a week after that. I know he's OK because I can see him on Facebook.

Why are so many people bad communicators?? If I ever wanted a serious relationship again, I think being a good communicator would be an essential requirement for me. So fed up with the stonewall method of dealing with things. I'm middle-aged and it's getting really old, especially as it was a hallmark of my marriage.

Just wanted to vent!

 

[bludiva]

we're not taught communication in school. we're not taught a lot of life skills that would be way more useful than some of the rote memorization that is on the curriculum (if it still is taught that way)

 

[doberman]

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated. But with all due respect, your throwaway remark might have been construed as passive aggressive by your ex. If you have communication problems frequently you might want to think about your own communication style.

My own communication style is rather blunt, which has its own problems. Probably the opposite of stonewalling!

 

[Jambalaya]

Huh, I don't know - our break-up was due to a number of factors outside our control, and I thought it was a given that it wasn't meant to be. But the point is, if people communicated, all kinds of misunderstandings would not be left to fester. It's a pity, whether in romantic relationships or friendships. Why can't people just communicate? I understand that younger people might not know how, or have the confidence to do it, but we're middle-aged.

I saw this happen with two friends recently. They're really tight, and when Friend B's child was in hospital for two months, Friend A was really supportive (whereas another friend of ours refused to visit the hospital altogether).

Anyway, it just so happens that supportive Friend A is also Friend B's boss. Friend B did not get the raise she was expecting a few months ago, and was really pissed at Friend A. I urged her to TALK to Friend A about it. I said that it probably wasn't even Friend A's decision, but that she wouldn't know unless she brought it up with Friend A.

Friend B wouldn't. I think she got over it, but it must have festered. Why couldn't she just ask Friend A what was up?

 

[mrs-b]

I think people who refuse to discuss their upsets with a (supposed) friend calmly and openly are immature. I think it's part of being a grown up to discuss our displeasure, offences, or general contretemps with a friend. Anyone who won't tell you why they're angry at you isn't your friend in the first place.

I realize I'm being blunt, but I feel strongly about this. The old 'get snooty, walk away, bitch with everyone else behind your back' routine is puerile. The hallmark of a true friend is that they a) stay and b) can accept an apology. Period. Everybody stuffs up from time to time: extend people the apology you will no doubt one day need yourself. You ain't perfect, and neither am I.

 

[OreoRosies86]

This is so weird to me. My friends and I are open books with each other. Love and honesty keep relationships alive!

 

[mommylawyer]

I went through a time in my life when I had several crazy friends. Their crazy behavior made me resentful and angry, and I ended up having to pay for Skype therapy to deal with my anger arising from these toxic friendships. I think you might have reached that point. You can't change anyone else's bad behavior, but you can change your reaction to their bad behavior. That is what I needed to learn how to do, and it's been very helpful for me.

 

[Jambalaya]

I think people who refuse to discuss their upsets with a (supposed) friend calmly and openly are immature. I think it's part of being a grown up to discuss our displeasure, offences, or general contretemps with a friend. Anyone who won't tell you why they're angry at you isn't your friend in the first place.

I realize I'm being blunt, but I feel strongly about this. The old 'get snooty, walk away, bitch with everyone else behind your back' routine is puerile. The hallmark of a true friend is that they a) stay and b) can accept an apology. Period. Everybody stuffs up from time to time: extend people the apology you will no doubt one day need yourself. You ain't perfect, and neither am I.

YES, exactly!!

 

[Jambalaya]

I went through a time in my life when I had several crazy friends. Their crazy behavior made me resentful and angry, and I ended up having to pay for Skype therapy to deal with my anger arising from these toxic friendships. I think you might have reached that point. You can't change anyone else's bad behavior, but you can change your reaction to their bad behavior. That is what I needed to learn how to do, and it's been very helpful for me.

So true!

 

[Jambalaya]

There is so much to be gained from communicating. Without it, misunderstandings abound. It's just such a pity! In my above example from two friends, I bet Friend B has filed away the lack of a raise as a transgression, when it might not be Friend A's fault at all!!

 

[OoohShiny]

Could it be that you are quite... 'direct'... and that either scares people or they don't know how to handle it? lol



I like someone who speaks directly myself but it can be intimidating!

 

[YadaYadaYada]

As OoohShiny pointed out, sometimes people are really out off or intimidated by someone who is very direct. I've encountered this myself, look just tell me what the problem is and we can deal with it but if I don't know then it can't be fixed. I myself am pretty direct, what is the point of having a relationship of any kind of you can't confront issues head on?

A lot of people underestimate just how uneasy they will feel when dealing with a very forthright person. That's why so many say "I like that you're direct because I know where I stand with you at all times" until you need to be direct with them and then it's a different story!

 

[missy]

I think people who refuse to discuss their upsets with a (supposed) friend calmly and openly are immature. I think it's part of being a grown up to discuss our displeasure, offences, or general contretemps with a friend. Anyone who won't tell you why they're angry at you isn't your friend in the first place.

I realize I'm being blunt, but I feel strongly about this. The old 'get snooty, walk away, bitch with everyone else behind your back' routine is puerile. The hallmark of a true friend is that they a) stay and b) can accept an apology. Period. Everybody stuffs up from time to time: extend people the apology you will no doubt one day need yourself. You ain't perfect, and neither am I.

This. 100% this.

 

[Jambalaya]

Oooh Shiney - Huh, maybe. But I do believe in the saying "Truth without kindness is cruelty."

Just remembered a few years ago that my cousin told me she stays away from someone if she's upset with them, until it passes (for her). But she wasn't taking into account the damage done to the relationship while she was stonewalling them, I guess.

 

[Jambalaya]

As OoohShiny pointed out, sometimes people are really out off or intimidated by someone who is very direct. I've encountered this myself, look just tell me what the problem is and we can deal with it but if I don't know then it can't be fixed. I myself am pretty direct, what is the point of having a relationship of any kind of you can't confront issues head on?

A lot of people underestimate just how uneasy they will feel when dealing with a very forthright person. That's why so many say "I like that you're direct because I know where I stand with you at all times" until you need to be direct with them and then it's a different story!

 

[Jambalaya]

For those of you in healthy marriages/partnerships, do you have men who will discuss something with you without stonewalling for a while first? Please reassure me that men like that exist! I've never had one. Ex-husband would stop talking to me for a WEEK before he finally brought something up.

 

[missy]

For those of you in healthy marriages/partnerships, do you have men who will discuss something with you without stonewalling for a while first? Please reassure me that men like that exist! I've never had one. Ex-husband would stop talking to me for a WEEK before he finally brought something up.

They exist @Jambalaya ! And you deserve to find a strong kind partner who will communicate with you. I’m sorry you haven’t experienced that yet. But you will. Don’t give up. They do exist. But no one is perfect of course and most importantly if you’re both open to listening and communicating and learning from each other you can enjoy a healthy and happy relationship.

Greg wasn’t always the great communicator he is now. It took some effort on my part to show him what I need in a relationship. None of us are mind readers but like I wrote above if one’s partner is open to learning anything is teachable. In a healthy relationship both parties are open to each other and able to really hear each other.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@Jambalaya, my marriage is far from perfect, lord knows we've had our problems BUT we have always talked things out. The silent treatment is abuse, it is passive-aggressive behavior and no good positive outcomes come from its use.

So yes, there are men out there with healthy communication skills, just like there a women that have healthy communication skills and those that don't. I was friends with someone who was not comfortable communicating her feelings, notice the "WAS" lol!

Something I have realized is that a lot of times people have certain habits from childhood and may not realize just how toxic they are. I think the key on whether a relationship works or not is whether there is any effort to overcome those habits. My husband had an absolutely horrible habit of throwing things when he got angry, he was never physically abusive but obviously that way of dealing with anger is not acceptable. Long story short he developed that habit from his mother who had terrible anger problems, he got help and learned new coping mechanisms. Only because we talked about it and he was willing to acknowledge and deal with the problem.

 

[Bron357]

For many sharing their Inner most thoughts and feelings is a risk they can’t take. For many there are hidden issues, experiences, beliefs that can be innocently encroached upon by another and the response is to “shut down” or “move away from the situation”.
Other people fear “loss of face” or lack the capacity to be wrong and/or apologise. All these factors can affect clear communication.
You never know what’s in someone else’s brain at the time and how they are interpreting your words or actions. And because of various factors they don’t correct or offer an explanation and you are left wondering “what happened”.
It’s sad. Very sad.
Like you I’ve had friendships simply evaporate leaving me upset and confused. Was it me? Was it them?
One girlfriend later, much later, told me “I couldn’t bear to see you happy and successful while my life was such a mess. You made me feel bad and inadequate”. I thought she had a better job than me (she did but her employment was very insecure) her long term boyfriend was lovely (except he had a gambling problem and was a womaniser) and her family were on her back about said boyfriend being a loser and if she married him they wouldn’t attend the wedding. She didn’t share any of that with me then, she just became “unavailable” and we drifted apart.
So sometimes just being who you are, who you’ve always been becomes a negative issue for another and you may never know.
You talking to a friend about how upsetting and stressful it has been because your beloved grandma has cancer and while very unwell is recovering and it triggers your friend who has, unbeknownst to you, watched another young school mum with 3 young kids fight through rounds of chemo over 2 years but still passed away. They can’t bear to listen to your problem, they can’t offer comfort or support while they are thinking “how you can moan about a 75 year old who had a full and complete happy life when there’s 3 kids growing up without a mother?” So they cut the conversation short. You feel confused, don’t they care about your feelings? They are then embarrassed to have been cold towards you. It’s easier to just let the whole thing slide and with it goes the friendship.
Insight on your ex boyfriend /male friend.
Even though he broke it off it’s possible that hidden inside him was the fear or belief that the relationship wouldn’t last or work out and rather than cope with these inner feelings It became part of the reason why he broke it off. Your Recent throwaway line “oh, I never thought it would last” has just ripped the bandaid off that hidden fear. In his mind you have confirmed it, you didn’t really love him, you never thought it would last.
Communication is hard.

 

[missy]

Communication is hard.

I agree. It can be.
But I would counter that not communicating is even harder. IMO.

And open honest communication is also very rewarding.

 

[JPie]

For those of you in healthy marriages/partnerships, do you have men who will discuss something with you without stonewalling for a while first? Please reassure me that men like that exist! I've never had one. Ex-husband would stop talking to me for a WEEK before he finally brought something up.

My husband might be grumpy with me for a few hours at most, but that is highly unusual and he would never last for a week! He loves talking to me too much for that.

What it comes down to is that we know each other well enough to leave the other some space to calm down enough to talk. So no, not all men are like that.

 

[1ofakind]

your throwaway remark might have been construed as passive aggressive by your ex

I think this is exactly the problem @Jambalaya is describing. If something is open for interpretation instead of assuming the worst and giving out the silent treatment why don't people simply ASK what was meant? It is not reasonable or fair to cut someone off with no effort to clarify.

Yes, I have run into this because I don't tend to lead with emotions. I try not to filter things through that lens either. I've had to learn over the years to translate to some people though because they can easily get bent out of shape.

@mrs-b I understand what you are saying and I don't disagree. But I do sometimes take time before deciding to discuss upsets and grievances. Sometimes the misunderstanding is mine or sometimes they are right and I need to get over it even if it bothered me. Sometimes talking with them won't help and I know that. A conversation may be a waste of energy. So while I might sometimes hold back a bit or maybe never address the issue at all I also do not engage in emotional manipulation games...no silent treatment, no grudges, no gossiping and telling everyone but that person that I feel slighted, no passive aggressive snarky comments or FB posts stating "you know who you are" but never naming them specifically....that crap is all childish. If I have an issue with you you will know it. If I don't then you can be assured there is nothing I am holding onto to use against you now or ever. Period.

 

[caf]

Yes. My SO of 9 years is pretty good at communicating. I am too. Practice practice practice.

 

[Bluemuse]

I have learned with a lot of hard experience and work that a persons mood ( replace with “maturity level”) is a reflection of them and THEIR current circumstances and has nothing at all to do with you.
This simple realization allows me to feel peaceful even when difficulties arise in relationships and life.
Instead of anger and resentment, I can feel compassion for someone who struggles to communicate and suffers because of it.

I stay careful to not take it personally, get drawn into their turbulence and join the suffering.

I also accept that we are ALL imperfect creatures and fall short sometimes.
Detaching and allowing others to grow at their own rate and through their own experience is an art and a daily practice.
It has taken years to fully internalize this and I still forget it sometimes, especially when I’m stressed.
Good communication can be difficult for some for various reasons, some of which only they know. Or they may be totally unaware and still need to explore the hows and whys of their communication style. Only they can make changes to improve it. We can’t do it for them, nor admonish them for it.

Sending good vibes that communication can flow better between you and your friend.
I’m sorry it has caused you to be frustrated.
None of this is easy. I am make adjustments all the time and probably will forever.
We’re not meant to stay stuck in a single gear all our lives. We’re meant to learn, grow and change. That includes honing our communication skills. And letting other people do the work of honing theirs.

 

[lovedogs]

For those of you in healthy marriages/partnerships, do you have men who will discuss something with you without stonewalling for a while first? Please reassure me that men like that exist! I've never had one. Ex-husband would stop talking to me for a WEEK before he finally brought something up.

They exist, I promise! We have had to work at communicating effectively, but he certainly does not stonewall and is straightforward when something upsets him. But it does take effort.

 

[Jambalaya]

Such wise words from everyone, and REALLY heartwarming to hear from people in non-stone-walling relationships.

If you specifically want a relationship with someone emotionally mature, what are the signs? Calmness? Perceptiveness? How do I choose one of these evolved beings??

 

[missy]

Such wise words from everyone, and REALLY heartwarming to hear from people in non-stone-walling relationships.

If you specifically want a relationship with someone emotionally mature, what are the signs? Calmness? Perceptiveness? How do I choose one of these evolved beings??

This is an excellent question. To which I do not know the answer. One might say you attract what you put out into the universe but I am not entirely convinced that is 100% true. In fact I know it isn't because nothing is 100% true. But it is a start.

I rarely dated jerks when I was single. I always seemed to date genuine kind caring nice guys even the "bad" boys I liked were nice deep down. So maybe I was lucky? Or maybe it was because I wouldn't settle for less.

Some thoughts.

1. Don't play games (not that you would just sharing some general thoughts).
2. Respect yourself and your partner.
3. Don't punish him for mistakes made by guys who came before him.
4. Be honest, compassionate, confident and secure. That will attract guys who are the same.
5. Have your own life so you don't rely on him for everything but make sure he knows he is needed and loved and appreciated and make sure he makes you feel the same way.
6. Let go of superificial preferences (appearance related) and look for a guy with kindness and empathy. IOW a nice guy. They get a bad rap but they really are the best kind of guys for a meaningful long term relationship.
7. KNOW that you deserve the best. Do not settle for less.

And when you see BS call him on it and communicate and work it out. If he is worth being in a relationship with he will hear you and work on whatever issues he has. And let's face it none of us are perfect and we all have issues. That isn't the problem. The problem is are you both willing to work on it and work on your relationship together. Communication is key.

Just a few of my thoughts. I am sure I will think of more to add but these are important IMO.

 

[kenny]

... Why are so many people bad communicators? ...

I think because so many people are insecure about their true selves, and the only thing that matters to them is what others think of them.
Because of this they can't be real.
Too risky.

 

[Jambalaya]

Great thoughts, Missy! Thanks for writing all that out. It's much appreciated!

 

[Jambalaya]

It's been almost four weeks since my friend has spoken to me, going from contact several times a week, and I've reached out twice. The trouble with being stonewalled to this extent is that it feels so much like bullying, feels so emotionally abusive, that it ruins the entire friendship. Even if he gets back to me, I don't think I want a friend who's capable of treating me like this. I guess he wasn't really a friend at all.

The only reason that I know he's OK is because his adult daughter has posted a couple of photos on her Facebook page of her and her dad out and about together. If it wasn't for that, I'd be seriously worried that something had happened to him. (He doesn't do any form of social media.)

I can't believe he can be this horrible!