Pet peeve.

[maplefemme]

The one and only thing I feel really uncomfortable with PS is when certain people just ask strangers to get a temporary ring, and to then go and ask the girl exactly what they want for their E-ring rather than doing it themselves. I mean, I know this can obviously be a good thing in some cases, but I can't imagine how much doubt must be going through the mind of someone on the fence of giving his beloved a good surprise when he is faced with a wall of virtual doubt.

yeah,but lets assume the guy orders a $6k custom made ring and the girl hates the style then what? trash the $6k ring?

I agree with DF, my SO would not have picked a ring I like. He asked me to show him pictures of the styles I like and outright said, I would not have picked that for you. To his credit, I only have one ring, an art deco piece that he dislikes, otherwise he didn't have much to go on. He was thinking something much more practical, something flat that I could wear at work under my gloves. He also likes asymmetrical designs whereas I don't care for them at all.
I'm glad he asked, but if he hadn't asked and had just got me a very simple temporary setting I'd have been just as happy with it.
Then we could design something together after, no harm no foul

 

[AmeliaG]

The one and only thing I feel really uncomfortable with PS is when certain people just ask strangers to get a temporary ring, and to then go and ask the girl exactly what they want for their E-ring rather than doing it themselves. I mean, I know this can obviously be a good thing in some cases, but I can't imagine how much doubt must be going through the mind of someone on the fence of giving his beloved a good surprise when he is faced with a wall of virtual doubt.

yeah,but lets assume the guy orders a $6k custom made ring and the girl hates the style then what? trash the $6k ring?

I don't think most guys automatically think of getting a $6k custom made ring for their FIs?

 

[Dancing Fire]

The one and only thing I feel really uncomfortable with PS is when certain people just ask strangers to get a temporary ring, and to then go and ask the girl exactly what they want for their E-ring rather than doing it themselves. I mean, I know this can obviously be a good thing in some cases, but I can't imagine how much doubt must be going through the mind of someone on the fence of giving his beloved a good surprise when he is faced with a wall of virtual doubt.

yeah,but lets assume the guy orders a $6k custom made ring and the girl hates the style then what? trash the $6k ring?

I don't think most guys automatically think of getting a $6k custom made ring for their FIs?

o.k,how about a $4K setting,trash it if she don't like the style?

 

[TristanC]

I'm glad he asked, but if he hadn't asked and had just got me a very simple temporary setting I'd have been just as happy with it.
Then we could design something together after, no harm no foul

No, my point is that I believe most guys who feel that they might be uncomfortable in making the correct choice for the occasion, or guys who have no read on what might be the right choice - typically wind up asking the SO if he is being outright, or her family/friends what she wants if he still wants to try a surprise.

Normally asking friends and family only works if you act fast, otherwise wikileaks occur and the SO gets involved in making the happy dream happen.

But there are quite a few men who still believe that they know what to do, and occasionally they come here and share their idea for feedback, only to get a significant number of people tell them that perhaps they should just give up altogether and just ask their SO for what she wants.

I think that is partly due to the fact that most PSers know exactly what jewelry they want, but many women would be ok with a really beautiful ring chosen by their SO as a sweet gesture. This statement can't be hard to believe because I encounter it on a regular basis and the women are genuinely happy with the rings.

We only run into trouble when the guy has no sense of the woman's taste.

 

[Lula]

I'm glad he asked, but if he hadn't asked and had just got me a very simple temporary setting I'd have been just as happy with it.
Then we could design something together after, no harm no foul

No, my point is that I believe most guys who feel that they might be uncomfortable in making the correct choice for the occasion, or guys who have no read on what might be the right choice - typically wind up asking the SO if he is being outright, or her family/friends what she wants if he still wants to try a surprise.

Normally asking friends and family only works if you act fast, otherwise wikileaks occur and the SO gets involved in making the happy dream happen.

But there are quite a few men who still believe that they know what to do, and occasionally they come here and share their idea for feedback, only to get a significant number of people tell them that perhaps they should just give up altogether and just ask their SO for what she wants.

I think that is partly due to the fact that most PSers know exactly what jewelry they want, but many women would be ok with a really beautiful ring chosen by their SO as a sweet gesture. This statement can't be hard to believe because I encounter it on a regular basis and the women are genuinely happy with the rings.

We only run into trouble when the guy has no sense of the woman's taste.

And, let me tell you, when that "trouble" arises, the women post here about how upset they are that their fiances surprised them with a ring and they dislike the design, and they feel bad about bringing it up to their fiances for fear of hurting the men's pride and feelings. Some of those threads are 10 or 15 pages long, and they are not pretty. I think a guy would want to do everything in his power to avoid that situation. I am and always have been against "surprise" proposals. Why should one of the biggest decisions two people make in a lifetime be relegated to a surprise? A surprise dinner out after a long day at work, a surprise party for a birthday -- those are perfectly appropriate. A "surprise" lifetime commitment? Not so much.

But I'm a cranky feminist, I guess.

 

[slg47]

I'm glad he asked, but if he hadn't asked and had just got me a very simple temporary setting I'd have been just as happy with it.
Then we could design something together after, no harm no foul

No, my point is that I believe most guys who feel that they might be uncomfortable in making the correct choice for the occasion, or guys who have no read on what might be the right choice - typically wind up asking the SO if he is being outright, or her family/friends what she wants if he still wants to try a surprise.

Normally asking friends and family only works if you act fast, otherwise wikileaks occur and the SO gets involved in making the happy dream happen.

But there are quite a few men who still believe that they know what to do, and occasionally they come here and share their idea for feedback, only to get a significant number of people tell them that perhaps they should just give up altogether and just ask their SO for what she wants.

I think that is partly due to the fact that most PSers know exactly what jewelry they want, but many women would be ok with a really beautiful ring chosen by their SO as a sweet gesture. This statement can't be hard to believe because I encounter it on a regular basis and the women are genuinely happy with the rings.

We only run into trouble when the guy has no sense of the woman's taste.

And, let me tell you, when that "trouble" arises, the women post here about how upset they are that their fiances surprised them with a ring and they dislike the design, and they feel bad about bringing it up to their fiances for fear of hurting the men's pride and feelings. Some of those threads are 10 or 15 pages long, and they are not pretty. I think a guy would want to do everything in his power to avoid that situation. I am and always have been against "surprise" proposals. Why should one of the biggest decisions two people make in a lifetime be relegated to a surprise? A surprise dinner out after a long day at work, a surprise party for a birthday -- those are perfectly appropriate. A "surprise" lifetime commitment? Not so much.

But I'm a cranky feminist, I guess.

I don't consider myself a cranky feminist and totally agree with you

as Lula said...the threads where the women do not like the ering can get pretty ugly. I remember one where the girl was considering breaking off the engagement because she thought the man didn't understand or know her...since he picked out a ring that wasn't to her taste!

 

[yssie]

I'm glad he asked, but if he hadn't asked and had just got me a very simple temporary setting I'd have been just as happy with it.
Then we could design something together after, no harm no foul

No, my point is that I believe most guys who feel that they might be uncomfortable in making the correct choice for the occasion, or guys who have no read on what might be the right choice - typically wind up asking the SO if he is being outright, or her family/friends what she wants if he still wants to try a surprise.

Normally asking friends and family only works if you act fast, otherwise wikileaks occur and the SO gets involved in making the happy dream happen.

But there are quite a few men who still believe that they know what to do, and occasionally they come here and share their idea for feedback, only to get a significant number of people tell them that perhaps they should just give up altogether and just ask their SO for what she wants.

I think that is partly due to the fact that most PSers know exactly what jewelry they want, but many women would be ok with a really beautiful ring chosen by their SO as a sweet gesture. This statement can't be hard to believe because I encounter it on a regular basis and the women are genuinely happy with the rings.

We only run into trouble when the guy has no sense of the woman's taste.

And, let me tell you, when that "trouble" arises, the women post here about how upset they are that their fiances surprised them with a ring and they dislike the design, and they feel bad about bringing it up to their fiances for fear of hurting the men's pride and feelings. Some of those threads are 10 or 15 pages long, and they are not pretty. I think a guy would want to do everything in his power to avoid that situation. I am and always have been against "surprise" proposals. Why should one of the biggest decisions two people make in a lifetime be relegated to a surprise? A surprise dinner out after a long day at work, a surprise party for a birthday -- those are perfectly appropriate. A "surprise" lifetime commitment? Not so much.

But I'm a cranky feminist, I guess.

I don't consider myself a cranky feminist and totally agree with you

as Lula said...the threads where the women do not like the ering can get pretty ugly. I remember one where the girl was considering breaking off the engagement because she thought the man didn't understand or know her...since he picked out a ring that wasn't to her taste!

Um. Giant, massive, absolute thritto.

IF she is really doesn't care much at all about the ring or the stone, and will truly be happy with whatever her beloved gets her, she is frankly in the vast, vast minority.

Far, far more women claim the above, but in truth - maybe not even admitting to themselves until it's too late and someone's feelings are hurt - are using the Ering as a yardstick for how "well he knows me" or "if he loves me enough to choose a ring that perfectly suits me and my vision" - translation: how well he can read her mind. Well, noone I know, male or female, is a mind-reader, and it's idiocy to expect someone to be! And yet, as slg says, there are many threads attesting to precisely that.

There is, of course, the added problem of a women who is normally in tailored beige and wanting a romantic, swirly engagement ring (me), or something such - if DH had gone by my "taste" he'd have got it totally wrong, and he's said that outright. I told him I wanted to be involved in this huge joint purchase, and he was thankfully fully on board. Completely agree with Lula - lifetime commitments and thousand-dollar-purchases most assuredly do NOT belong in the Surprise! category.

Tristan - since you brought it up, yeah, I think you're taking a huge and unnecessary gamble in getting your SO a small pink diamond. I really hope that your SO has either specifically voiced that preference, is truly one of that minority that will love anything you give her for the gesture, or that you have indeed somehow read her mind.

 

[TristanC]

Perhaps you ladies are right after all. Wouldn't be the first time this week I got something wrong.

Still, I wonder if PS is distorting reality, and really how many people out there are just truly happy with their engagement rings, but more importantly are happy with the event of their marriage and the sentiment... sounds like a poll is in order.

There is a BIG Caveat that you all didn't seem to get.

The guy is supposed to know if you are the kind that Wants to be surprised with a ring, or if you are the kind that stares at CAD renderings of other people's rings and have been mentally constructing your dream ring.

If he is confident that he knows well enough and wants to surprise you, then more power to him. Obviously all 3 of your SOs knew better and asked you all to be involved. That's actually part of knowing you too, and of course was the right call. Heck, anyone who sees their partner on a PS forum should know to ask them for their opinion first.

Don't shoot me for this, but i think it is a shame that the person mentioned didn't break up with her betrothed for gifting the wrong ring. I think it would have saved a lot of grief downline for the couple. The guy deserves better than to be with a woman that would make a decision about the rest of her life with a partner based on the DESIGN of the ring that was given. Definitely over-reacting, or not grade A wife material.

Of course, I didn't SEE the ring. If might have had a Pave encrusted barney motif in which case, she would have been right to have moved on.

 

[TristanC]

Oh, and the proposal is the surprise. Perhaps even the ring design is a surprise.

Most people would have at least thought about whether they want to be with each other before the question is popped. It isn't like it happened on the third date.

Ring design surprise does not equal to lifetime commitment surprise.

 

[diva rose]

I love our new members. Please don't misconstrue this post.

But on RT it drives me a little nuts that someone with 5,000 plus posts will tell someone one thing (which is usually accurate) and then someone with anywhere from 12 to 130 posts comes on, shoots their mouth off (with inaccurate information) and their post is given the same weight as the other poster.

Sometimes I wonder why people don't pay more attention to WHO is giving them advice. What their post count is. And how long they've been here. It's all information that is readily available.

I'm not saying every person with a lower post count is ignorant, at all. But I do think that a lot of our long time members have more invested in making sure their comments are accurate and helpful, than some of the members who are only on here to buy one ring then bail.

Feel free to vent as you want.

Gypsy, I understand your peeve when in the information provided is inaccurate. However, I don't necessary feel the number of posts on PS represents your knowledge of diamonds or determines if you're a diamond expert. What it indicates to me is that the person is a very active member of PS and interested in diamonds/passionate about diamonds. Are they knowledgeable? Most likely however it doesn't mean they are automatically more knowledgeable than someone with less posts. I am sure there are plenty of people out there who are diamond experts but don't post or are infrequent posters on PS.

 

[TristanC]

o.k,how about a $4K setting,trash it if she don't like the style?

Of course not. If you're not sure and want to ask, by all means ask her. I never said it MUST be a surprise. If she is the kind that would not like to wear a ring if it isn't to her taste and you are not 95% sure, by all means ask her.

My pet peeve was only directed towards OTHER people who come on asking for tips to improve their ring and then people just abruptly tell them to drop the idea and please involve your wife.

I just realised while typing these three replies that it might sound like I'm peeved with the advice of the forum directed at MY project.

Far from it. I was referring to other guys, mostly on the RT thread.

I'm personally grateful for the input of other people regarding the preference in colour and shape and I know some people were voicing their own concerns about my project and checking in to see if I had considered that it might wind up being a hugely costly mistake etc. That's fine for me.

But I never asked, should I go ahead, or should I ask her to see IF she might want a pink? Some people gave their opinions anyway. Which once again, is really fine for me but only because I knew for sure where I was going. I just don't think it is fine for every guy that pops in here wanting to show the near end stages of his 'masterpiece' and then having all his confidence removed from a wall of virtual doubt. That was where I was coming from. Please do give the heads up if his creation looks like it was meant for the bride of frankenstein, but I think otherwise why not let him proceed? After all, he is the one on PS, not his SO.

 

[Lula]

Oh, and the proposal is the surprise. Perhaps even the ring design is a surprise.

Most people would have at least thought about whether they want to be with each other before the question is popped. It isn't like it happened on the third date.

Ring design surprise does not equal to lifetime commitment surprise.

Tristan, I see you started a thread on this in RT, so maybe my question will get answered over there. I understand what you're saying -- the lifetime commitment has been discussed, and it's the proposal and the ring that are the surprise -- but what I don't understand is why guys put such importance on surprise proposals and surprise rings? To me -- and I don't mean to offend, but I am indeed a bit of a 1970s-style feminist -- it just smacks of power and control. I always shudder a little bit when I read proposal stories that start out "I instructed her to dress up for the evening"...or "I told her to pack an overnight bag and her passport," or, my least favorite one, "I knew she was having a girls' night with her friends at a restaurant and I showed up in the middle of dinner and asked her to come with me" -- I mean, WTF? Enlighten me, please, why this is considered romantic and not just plain creepy!

 

[TristanC]

Hahahaha Those stories are ALL creepy.

Well maybe except for the pack your bags and passport one - that might actually end up being a lot of fun if you are the sort.

I'll see the poll results, but I am not going to kid myself - the poll is more than likely going to be overwhelmingly in favor of the other camp.

Personally, I think it is nice to be able to orchestrate a nice surprise once in a while without going over the top. Tears of happiness are the ultimate currency to me in a relationship. And while a surprise isn't mandatory for happy tears, it does make it easier I find... because it is unexpected.

Of course, more can go wrong than right but hey, that's part of the fun right?

 

[Texas Leaguer]

I hit 10,000 posts today and still don't know my @ss from a hole in the ground.

The smartest people are always those who recognize there is much more unknown than known. That awareness keeps them humble and open minded, constantly learning and highly relevant. Congrats on 10K!