Planning a wedding without a proposal

[UnderBlue]

Date: 2/5/2010 10:21:39 AM
Author: DivaDiamond007

Me too.


I am sorry but why would anyone plan a wedding without first being proposed to?

Because we talked about it and decided and agreed to get married.
Plenty of couples get married without a proposal. I do not need a proposal to consider myself getting married, he would like to do that though.


As far as desperate, shrug. I''m following through with what we agreed on and expecting him to follow through on his end as well.

He would like to do the proposing thing, so I''m trying to figure out why he''d set general deadlines for himself and then let those pass without doing anything. It''s hard for me to leave the doing to someone else becasue I''m a person who will work hard to achieve the things I want. Your guess is as good as mine for what''s stopping him. He mainly brings up the memorable thing (being proposed to from a toilet is certainly memorable, but I don''t think we want that kind of memorable). I''ve asked and he says he wants to, that he''s been excited about the planning I had been doing and is very hurt and sad if I ask/suggest otherwise.

Anyway, I haven''t planned anything in the past few days.

 

[charbie]

I haven''t read thru everything, but from your OP, you said sometimes you question if this really is going to happen. That right there is what i think should be your clue to hold off. I''m not sure why you would nail down an actual date before the proposal, even if it was done as a couple, unless you have a very specific reason why the wedding has to happen in a certain time frame, ie: someone can only get a certain time off work, or going off to the military. In my opinion, if you two have decided on a date and venue, then what''s the point of a proposal?

I know its exciting to get engaged, plan a wedding, etc, but take the time to enjoy it and don''t rush it so much. Shoot, I didn''t even pick a date for 3 months after the engagement. Let your engagement and wedding happen naturally.

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 2/5/2010 6:09:37 PM
Author: UnderBlue

Date: 2/5/2010 10:21:39 AM

Author: DivaDiamond007


Me too.



I am sorry but why would anyone plan a wedding without first being proposed to?

Because we talked about it and decided and agreed to get married.

Plenty of couples get married without a proposal. I do not need a proposal to consider myself getting married, he would like to do that though.



As far as desperate, shrug. I''m following through with what we agreed on and expecting him to follow through on his end as well.


He would like to do the proposing thing, so I''m trying to figure out why he''d set general deadlines for himself and then let those pass without doing anything. It''s hard for me to leave the doing to someone else becasue I''m a person who will work hard to achieve the things I want. Your guess is as good as mine for what''s stopping him. He mainly brings up the memorable thing (being proposed to from a toilet is certainly memorable, but I don''t think we want that kind of memorable). I''ve asked and he says he wants to, that he''s been excited about the planning I had been doing and is very hurt and sad if I ask/suggest otherwise.


Anyway, I haven''t planned anything in the past few days.

I''m confused here. Your first post was stating your confusion about whether to plan a wedding as you weren''t sure if he would back out, etc. You also said you were waiting to tell family/friends until he officially proposed.

I think you just need to drop it until he officially proposes, or you both agree to "officially" get married.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I''m sorry, but i have to agree with beachrunner here.. until this whole thing is public, as in until your family and friends know that you are getting married in October, it''s just not real.

You don''t necessarily have to have a proposal to plan a wedding, but keeping it a secret from everyone is kind of like it is not really happening at all. KWIM? I mean don''t you want to share in the excitement with family and friends? By doing this alone without anyone knowing about it you are denying yourself half of the fun! Yeah i know you can read alot of posts in BWW about planning hassles and crazy family stories but what you don''t hear about is all the great stuff that happens when other people get excited for you!

If i was in your shoes right now, i would be telling my bf that i wasn''t going to be planning any more of this wedding until he had done his part first.

I hope you get your proposal soon!

 

[blueberrydot]

I am somewhat in your position, as I'm taking tentative steps to plan a wedding before a proposal has happened. While my planning has been limited to thinking up what kind of DIY projects I want to do for the wedding, scouring wedding blogs, saving pictures of ideas that I like, and buying wedding magazines, my boyfriend has actually been doing some bigger, more "real" stuff, like looking up wedding venues, looking at catering companies and their menus, etc. So yeah, we're sort of planning a wedding before we're actually engaged. I don't think there's anything really wrong with this - but it's because I know we're both on the same page. We are both involved in this pre- engagement planning together and there is no QUESTION that he might "back out." I have never even thought of asking myself if this was really going to happen. If I even had the smallest doubt as to his intentions, I don't think I would be doing any of this stuff.

While I don't think that making some plans before being engaged is a huge deal, I wanted to address something you said in your original post:

Date: 2/2/2010 3:27:48 AM
Author:UnderBlue
We've been asked point blank about when we're getting married and had to essentially lie and say we don't know. With us moving, all our friends are talking about missing us and wanting to visit and I want to tell them to save a few vacation days later in the year for us, but can't. I want to ask my friends for advice on what we're planning and to tell my parents too, but I can't. He doesn't want anyone to know until he's asked.

This something in particular that really jumps out at me about what you've told us. Like you and your SO, my boyfriend and I have also decided on a general date for our wedding - May 2011. The thing is, when friends and family ask us when we're thinking of getting married, we TELL them that it will probably be May 2011. It may change (he would like to get married earlier that year and has mentioned February, so May is not set in stone) but we don't lie to people when they ask - what's the point? Just because my boyfriend hasn't proposed yet doesn't mean people can't know what date we're thinking of for our wedding. What is his reason for not wanting anyone to tell anyone about the date? Especially family - shouldn't his parents at least know that they should expect to be attending your wedding in October of this year? Shouldn't yours? You mentioned that he had scrapped a proposal plan because the circumstances weren't right - am I correct in assuming that means that he's already told his and/or your family that you guys are getting engaged soon? If so, there is even less reason that you should have to lie about when your wedding will be. You should absolutely be able to give your parents this information. There is no reason to keep wedding plans secret from your family or his, no reason at all. If you want to tell your parents to keep October open, you should be able to.

My advice is this - tell him that you're going to tell your parents that you guys are setting a date for October of this year and see what his reaction is. If it's positive, then great! If he says no, then ask him WHY. And then proceed from there.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 2/5/2010 9:29:23 PM
Author: blueberrydot
I am somewhat in your position, as I''m taking tentative steps to plan a wedding before a proposal has happened. While my planning has been limited to thinking up what kind of DIY projects I want to do for the wedding, scouring wedding blogs, saving pictures of ideas that I like, and buying wedding magazines, my boyfriend has actually been doing some bigger, more ''real'' stuff, like looking up wedding venues, looking at catering companies and their menus, etc. So yeah, we''re sort of planning a wedding before we''re actually engaged. I don''t think there''s anything really wrong with this - but it''s because I know we''re both on the same page. We are both involved in this pre- engagement planning together and there is no QUESTION that he might ''back out.'' I have never even thought of asking myself if this was really going to happen. If I even had the smallest doubt as to his intentions, I don''t think I would be doing any of this stuff.

While I don''t think that making some plans before being engaged is a huge deal, I wanted to address something you said in your original post:

Date: 2/2/2010 3:27:48 AM
Author:UnderBlue
We''ve been asked point blank about when we''re getting married and had to essentially lie and say we don''t know. With us moving, all our friends are talking about missing us and wanting to visit and I want to tell them to save a few vacation days later in the year for us, but can''t. I want to ask my friends for advice on what we''re planning and to tell my parents too, but I can''t. He doesn''t want anyone to know until he''s asked.

This something in particular that really jumps out at me about what you''ve told us. Like you and your SO, my boyfriend and I have also decided on a general date for our wedding - May 2011. The thing is, when friends and family ask us when we''re thinking of getting married, we TELL them that it will probably be May 2011. It may change (he would like to get married earlier that year and has mentioned February, so May is not set in stone) but we don''t lie to people when they ask - what''s the point? Just because my boyfriend hasn''t proposed yet doesn''t mean people can''t know what date we''re thinking of for our wedding. What is his reason for not wanting anyone to tell anyone about the date? Especially family - shouldn''t his parents at least know that they should expect to be attending your wedding in October of this year? Shouldn''t yours? You mentioned that he had scrapped a proposal plan because the circumstances weren''t right - am I correct in assuming that means that he''s already told his and/or your family that you guys are getting engaged soon? If so, there is even less reason that you should have to lie about when your wedding will be. You should absolutely be able to give your parents this information. There is no reason to keep wedding plans secret from your family or his, no reason at all. If you want to tell your parents to keep October open, you should be able to.

My advice is this - tell him that you''re going to tell your parents that you guys are setting a date for October of this year and see what his reaction is. If it''s positive, then great! If he says no, then ask him WHY. And then proceed from there.

Big ditto to that!

 

[cally]

I don''t think I would do any planning without a solid, for sure engagement... simply because I''ve totally counted my chickens before they''re hatched and what not before.

I do a lot of "soft" planning, I guess. Colors, themes, DIYs, general ideas... I''d be too nervous to take it much farther, though.

 

[luckynumber]

NO WAY would i ever plan for a wedding before a proposal. i would feel like i''m putting undue pressure on my BF, and reeking of desperation.

sorry, but it''s a big no-no for me and my friends and family would think i was a bit nuts if they saw me do that. so i wouldn''t do it in secret either.

i think everything should take its own natural progression.

just my 2 cents, i''m sure others have different opinions, as they have already expressed.