Please don't judge me, but I need advice!

[sweetpea&babycorn]

As my title requests, please don't judge me! I'm not really sure how to interpret this situation, and really want a hard slap of reality in the face if I'm misinterpreting everything. I'm not a superficial person, and I love my boyfriend dearly. I've never expected him to pay for anything we do together, and I think we have a very balanced relationship.

The story is that my boyfriend wanted to learn more about how to shop for me for holidays, birthdays, etc. Specifically, he said he wanted to go jewelry shopping and buy a piece of jewelry for me. It's very very sweet of him, and this past weekend he suggested that we go on a short outing before having dinner with friends. He has mentioned this several times before but we never found an opportunity to do it. So naturally, I was really excited about it because he totally brought this up on his own, and I don't think any girl would disallow her boyfriend from getting her a piece of jewelry. Just for fun, I ventured over to Preloved Jewels and saw this beautiful ring that Claritek listed on DB, and have been keeping in the back of my mind. I didn't want to show it to him until we had gone on our shopping trip because I didn't want to take away the experience of jewelry shopping.

So on Saturday he said let's go before dinner, and though I don't expect we'll find something, if there's something you want, I think we would have to drop by the bank so I can transfer money and make sure to not overdraw my checking account.

So Saturday rolls around, and we actually didn't get to go on the outing. I was a little disappointed, but understood that we had lost track of time and wanted to get some work done before dinner. Today he offered to go check out a place nearby, but it was closed on Sundays. Another little disappointment, but it wasn't his fault. He admitted that he wanted to go shopping because he knows I am picky about jewelry and wants to learn to have good taste in jewelry. So I decided to show him the ring that Claritek listed, and I said that I would still be happy to go shopping with him because it would be a nice thing to do together, but if he wanted to get me a piece of jewelry, this would be the ring to get. Another reason why I did this was because although window shopping would be a fun thing to do, actually buying from a B&M isn't a great because I really don't want him to get ripped off at a jewelry store and/or pay a huge markup when going online would save a lot of money. Plus, I trust the members on PS when they sell their pieces as good quality and fair price.

And he said... I didn't intend on getting you something now, but later on. My heart broke a little bit, because I was under the impression, based on what he said, that he was ready to purchase me something that would represent his thoughtfulness and sweetness.

I don't want to be upset, because it was so nice of him to bring it up and state his intentions, but at the same time, he said things that he didn't mean and I feel led me on a little bit. I also don't want to turn this into a superficial situation of making him feel like I'm only after the jewelry. I decided that I should just let it go and never bring it up again, but it really makes me wonder how much I can trust what he says. This situation which was supposed to be sweet and thoughtful and what I think a good step in our relationship turned into a misunderstanding and quite frankly, a negative view on him and questions about how to handle similar situations. I know he loves me, but I just hate this feeling is disappointment and getting excited over nothing. Just to avoid disappointment, should I take situations like this with a grain of salt, and have no expectations? Should I talk to him more about it? I need help and guidance!

 

[decodelighted]

How long have you been together? I ask because if this is a recurring pattern of him leading you on & then not following through -- that's one thing. If this a new situation ... a one-off ... I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that it was just a miscommunication. He meant that he wanted to get to know your taste & then surprise you sometime in the future ... & you thought you were getting a treat in the process.

I don't think I'd bring up him buying me something I picked out online (2nd hand no less!) until very, very late in the relationship. As in, engaged at least --- or in the process of engagement in that a RING has already been discussed.

Most guys aren't so into "super suburb value" when it comes to jewelry. Many don't want to buy used things as gifts as it can feel cheap to them. And part of gifting is the joy of the GIFT GIVER. What they think that gift says about themselves & about their feelings for the person they love. Used? Diamond Bistro? Internet? That was a bridge too far, doll. IMHO. He may have even intended to buy you something in the moment in a glam store -- feeling like the "big guy" & all. But the experience of buying online, used etc ... didn't feel good to him. No matter how much of a value or how much you wanted that ring.

Maybe you should buy YOURSELF some bling ... any way that feels good to you. But save the super thrifty shopping for after you're married. LOL!

 

[JulieN]

he might have gotten sticker shock ?

 

[LibbyLA]

There's something that makes me think, "Hmmmm..." but it's only because I don't know what to make of it.

I don't know where you live, but where I live, banks aren't typically open on Saturdays. I'm not sure what kinds of accounts your boyfriend has, but I have my accounts set up so I can transfer money online. I would never go to the bank to transfer money. And I would pay for a "larger" purchase with a credit card and pay off the balance the next month. I would think that people in their twenties and thirties would be even more technologically forward-thinking than I am.

I also don't know why he'd talk about transferring money if he were intending only to look.

Is the ring you are interested in the beautiful garnet with the diamond halo? $450 seems like a reasonable price for something like that, but maybe he had in mind $100-200 for a necklace or pair of earrings. If that's the case, though, he should have told you that's what he was thinking about so you didn't get your expectations up.

I don't blame you for being disappointed. If he hadn't mentioned transferring money and had just said he wanted to go LOOK but wasn't planning to buy anything, that would be one thing, but that's not what he did.

Hope you find out what's going on. It just seems a little strange.

liz

 

[audball]

he might have gotten sticker shock ?

This was my thought as well. Or maybe he was trying to be inconspicuous and try and start getting a feel for your style for your future ring. You did say you both had discussed that he wanted that to be HIS thing, but he obviously doesn't want to disappoint.

If it has't been a regularly occurring thing, I'd let it go. It doesn't sound like he had the intent to hurt you.

 

[Enerchi]

Ouch. That sounds like a bit of a downer event, doesn't it? I'm sorry you were hoping it would end with a bauble at the end - I would have been under the very same impression. If my DH said lets go look at jewellry, I want your opinion on what you like, and lets go transfer money at the bank.... yup... I'm getting a new trinket for SURE!!

So I'm totally on board with your disappointment.

But... maybe he was shocked at prices, maybe he didn't think he was going to look for a ring and seeing a ring that you liked was scary for him, or he did want the 'flash/surprise/BIG MAN' thrill of getting you something from a B&M store, or... is this a decoy event for a potential surprise when you least expect it? No idea.

I'd be torn between what to do next - A) sweep it under the rug (I am a huge avoider and if I don't have to deal with a difficult/sensitive topic, I'm all over that direction!) OR B) deal with it directly and have a conversation about what he had in mind vs what you had in mind. Even tho I just said I love to avoid conflict, I think this may be a time to talk about it. A solid relationship is based on trust and communication and you don't want to have anything awkward hanging between you both.

It could be a super simple "oh why didn't I think of that" kind of answer he'll give you, but you won't know till you ask. Good luck, I hope you find out more behind why the situation went south.

 

[Amys Bling]

he might have gotten sticker shock ?

very possible- I don't think guys know what to expect price wise.

Also- o do think I was a bit of leading you on saying he wanted to go shopping with you- if he asked questions about metal preference and style and colors then I would think he wanted to know for future reference. But to use the phrase- go shopping- does lead one to believe you are. Ing home with something.

 

[vinjewels]

I am with Amy's Bling. I think he was testing the waters to see your taste in jewelry for maybe future "questions?" My husband did the same thing. We had my grandmothers ring to reset so it wasn't a sticker shock issue, but I imagine a lot of their ego goes shopping too.

Even the best of men have one and when its crushed, most don't necessarily handle it gracefully. I am not condoning anything hurtful he might have said. He should be accountable, but I think your feelings were hurt too. He asked your input, you put it out there and he kinda slammed it. I don't know you but I will say it is possible for this to happen and there will be more times like this in a marriage.

My husband used to irritate me by asking "what is wrong?" Well, he or something he said was "wrong" and when I would tell him the truth, he would flip and shut down. He hated the fact that he might be less than perfect or might have caused my hurt. It took time, but rarely happens anymore.

Its a long way of saying that probably no one meant anything negative. You had good intentions, he had good intentions....just got your feelings hurt and the reactions of both might have hit an insecurity or fear.

Okay, done here...Hope this helps! You do have great taste by the way....

 

[atp223]

I'm with Amy and audball - if this is NOT a reoccurring pattern, then I would guess he wanted to feel you out for e-ring preferences and see you try different styles on, rather than actually buy you a non-engagement ring now. But it doesn't seem like he pulled that off very smoothly, and in fact ended up hurting your feelings a bit. Boys. But anyway, that would be my guess as to what his motivation/rationale was for the shopping trip...

 

[gem_anemone]

Maybe he meant "window shopping", but he should have been more clear.

 

[tammy77]

Depending on how long you've been together and where you're at in the engagement talks, I would think that maybe he wanted to take you shopping to try on different rings and "oh hey try on some diamond ones too". I know that I really wanted a RHR before DH and I got engaged and while he entertained the idea, he said after we were engaged (maybe before, now that I think of it) that he did not want to buy me a ring because the first ring he bought me was going to be my e-ring. That would explain why he was deflated by the DB ring idea and said later, if he needs to see rings on your finger that isn't going to help him in the process! Maybe he intended to buy you something in the $100-$200 range, especially if he's saving for a bigger purchase!

So long story short, I'd be patient with him. Back up, take a deep breath and let him know that you're happy to go window shop with him whenever he wants, especially if this isn't a recurrent situation, as PP have mentioned.

 

[Amys Bling]

Yea- maybe he didn't expect you to pick out a 450 ring....

 

[decodelighted]

Here's the key sentence (IMHO)

So on Saturday he said let's go before dinner, and though I don't expect we'll find something, if there's something you want, I think we would have to drop by the bank so I can transfer money and make sure to not overdraw my checking account.

My "dude speak" translation of this after years of experience reading dude's minds ----- NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT SOMETHING, WE ARE NOT LEAVING THE STORE WITH IT TODAY.

Because, seriously ... if it's right before dinner on a Saturday eve ... how many banks are still open even? It's a way to put off the BUYING part til the next day or to let him decide & go back alone.

 

[decodelighted]

Yea- maybe he didn't expect you to pick out a 450 ring....

Seriously! I mean this *isn't* your birthday or a holiday. It would be a just because present. I've been married 5 years and I wouldn't think of that price point for a "just because" present!

SP&C -- I think your mind was clouded w/ bling lust & you got a little too carried away. Both with expecting he'd buy a used ring off a website ... and with the budget you assumed would be applicable.

 

[Sun-Shine]

SPBC, it sounds like a big miscommunication. Poor girl. Don't feel bad hun, I show BF things that are thousands of dollars for fun, just like he looks at expensive cars and watches and shows me. At the end of the day, it's useful to have an idea for higher end gifts when things like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays come up. I just got him a watch he pointed out in a magazine for our anni that is coming up, so I'm glad he pointed out how much he loved it. Moreover, we have no clue what your finances are like, maybe 500 is totally in the ballpark for a just because sort of gift. Don't feel let down, men are clumsy and sometimes don't realize how high we get our hopes up. I'd sit down and honestly talk about things. I bet you'll both feel better.

 

[swingirl]

I agree with others. I think he wanted to "window shop" to get a feel for your style, but wasn't planning on buying anything this time around. Maybe he mentioned the money thing to let you know he was serious about eventually buying something.

I wouldn't be to worried about it. And I still am unclear about how close you are to getting engaged and if this was just "gift" shopping or eventual "engagement ring" shopping.

 

[MisakiChan]

Well, my guess is that he didn't mean the shopping as in the Shopping...you know, for engagement rings. And then, he realized that you were thinking about engagement and wanted to make it clear it won't happen just yet.

I say give it a little time and things will just sort out on their own.

 

[madelise]

ack! please don't push him for further explanations, or get emotional or upset with him! it might turn him off altogether, from his whole "feeling-out-your-jewelry-tastes" phase. and he might postpone it due to stress! i definitely agree with the others that think he's trying to just feel you out for an engagement ring style.. and not so much to actually be purchasing other jewelry-- especially almost $500 worth, when he should be saving that $ to go towards your e-ring!!

cheer up, buttercup! don't think about the garnet ring.. think of what his whole checking-out-your-tastes means!! you might just be getting off our LIW list sooner than later!!

 

[MissStepcut]

Another thought: maybe he was overwhelmed by the idea of not just buying jewelry, but a ring. When my guy friends come to me for jewelry advice, they often explicitly say that it shouldn't be a ring, because of all the meaning that connotes.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts! I do feel a lot better, even after thinking about it on my own. Guys are so incredibly hard to figure out, and I am the farthest from an expert on guy speak. I really should just stick to actions speaking louder than words. I didn't give him a hard time about it and had the gut feeling that internalizing it was the best thing to do. And after reading everyone's views, I think I did the right thing. He probably shouldn't have led me on like that, but I also shouldn't have expected so much when we didn't even get to go shopping. I certainly don't want to ruin the experience of when we will actually do this.

My birthday is coming up, so maybe this suggested trip would prep him for that? There was absolutely no pressure for engagement ring shopping, and though we've talked about marriage, we'd really like to live together first which will happen in the next year and half, and it's been really fun talking about where we want to live and what we want. We've been together 6 months, which probably isn't long enough to be doing this type of thing, but we both see our relationship going for the long haul and have no problems talking about our future together. I also thought it was a very sweet gesture, and as I mentioned earlier, I'd be happy to just window shop if he was a little more clear about it. I don't want my own expectations and emotions to cloud the fact that this was a very nice gesture from him and that it came from a good place. I know he wouldn't do this to tease me. This sort of miscommunication has happened before, but we were able to get through it without a huge drama, and I'm sure this will be no different. We are still working on communicating better, and even the most difficult conversations have ended on positive notes, we always make sure that happens.

You're all right, I think it was a miscommunication, and I should just let it slide. If he wants to talk about it, I know he'll bring it up. If we DO end up getting something, I will definitely post it!

 

[madelise]

we all get these anxieties, no worries. that's why there's a whole LIW forum for us crazies! haha. and this won't even be the worst of it! kind of makes me glad we have a "safe place" here in LIW-world, for us to relate to one another with!

and yes, if you do get a little bit of bling bling for your birthday, post away!

 

[amc80]

Guys are so incredibly hard to figure out, and I am the farthest from an expert on guy speak. I really should just stick to actions speaking louder than words.

Guys really aren't hard to figure out...at all. Girls are hard to figure out. Guys only seem hard to figure out because it's us gals who are doing the interpreting and over-analyzing. Just like you said, trust his actions. Don't analyze them or fret over them. Guys are pretty easy that way, usually you can take what they do at face value.

 

[audball]

Did anything ever come of this sweetpea?

 

[Dreamer_D]

I would perhaps take this situation as an opportunity to look at your own approach to relationships? I am of the mind that we should not be guessing all the time what our partner's intentions are, and should accept their behavior at face value, and similarly, be clear in our own communication about what we are thinking and feeling. When I hear/read about people sayin "men/women are so hard to figure out" it really makes me wonder about how authentic and honest and forthright the speaker is being in her/his own actions and behaviors, because misunderstandings don't happen that often when people are very forthright and honest and up front. But when people are very careful and calculated in their own actions in romantic relationships -- trying to present a certain self to their partner, trying to hide flaws, etc -- that is when I think people project their own intentions and behavior onto their spouses, and as a result, spend a lot of time trying to decode a partners' actions. So thinking about how honest you are being in your own behavior is a good place to start.

Another possibility that comes to my mind when people say things like that, is that perhaps the speaker is purposely (or unconsciously) misinterpreting her partner's actions in a way that fits her own hopes and dreams. Then, when things don't go the way she hopes and dreamed, she is "surprised" and disappointed. Here is where you need to try and listen to your instincts, or have friends who are good at relationships offer opinions, or even have a therapist help you see things more clearly.

A final possiblity when someone thinks "men are so hard to figure out" is that they choose partners who play games, and *are* hard to figure out. I am with Libby, some things don't add up in the story you are telling. Whether this is indicative of him playing games this one time -- because he is going to propose -- or it is systematic, that's something to think about.

But I don't suggest getting married when you are in a place of feeling like you don't understand your partner and cannot figure them out That doesn't get any better with marriage. Get open and honest and learn to understand him before you get married. Much simpler all aroud.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Thanks for the feedback all. It's been a crazy few weeks, so I apologize for not being more forthcoming with information.

Dreamer, your post definitely made me think, and I've always appreciated your wisdom and feedback on other threads. You're right that I need to take a step back and wonder what our style of communication is like, and whether it is good for the relationship... and that's what I had been doing for the past few weeks (among many other things). It's not that this incident was earth shattering for our relationship, it was just like "wow, it feels weird that this happened." In the end, I think I got carried away with it on my own, and should have stopped and been more rational about the whole thing. I'm a very excitable person, so it was hard to be completely objective about a situation like this! The original reason why I posted about it here was to get some insight from others, and to help me be more self aware of how I was acting, and to help me see things more clearly. It was definitely helpful! We were able to communicate well about it, and things have been good ever since. I'm definitely keeping my ears and eyes open though, because if this IS an unconscious systemic habit of his, then it's an issue I have to confront in a way that won't offend him or make him feel like he's done something wrong.

I've certainly been learning a lot about myself in terms of my approach to relationships. I didn't have that in my last relationship, so this is different, in a good way. As crazy as it sounds, I really love being with someone who will call me out when I'm being unreasonable and make me look at myself differently. I do the same for him, and we're both figuring each other out. We've both agreed that at this point, marriage is not happening anytime soon. We want to live together, I really want to be able to focus on school and getting through board exams, and neither of these are happening in the next year.

 

[audball]

How are things sweetpea? You took the criticism very gracefully

I hope you two are doing well!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Sounds like you are approaching things well then! We all get carried away, goodness knows I have had many drama moments myself. I am a big believer in two things in relationships: authenticity and honesty, in one's actions, intentions, and thoughts; and awareness of the role one's own behavior plays in creating patterns of interpersonal experiences. Both of these things are lifelong learning processes I think.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Sounds like you are approaching things well then! We all get carried away, goodness knows I have had many drama moments myself. I am a big believer in two things in relationships: authenticity and honesty, in one's actions, intentions, and thoughts; and awareness of the role one's own behavior plays in creating patterns of interpersonal experiences. Both of these things are lifelong learning processes I think.

Great advice, Dreamer (as always!) We're both working to be as honest and authentic towards each other, even if it hurts and strikes a nerve. We have learned so much about each other, and even in the ugliest of moments, we still have love and respect for each other. It's a good feeling. And when we can settle a disagreement with a mutual understanding, it feels even better.

How are things sweetpea? You took the criticism very gracefully

I hope you two are doing well!

audball, things have been going well, you are so sweet for asking! I am under enormo stress because I am taking board exams for school in a few weeks, and time is just slipping away from me! BF and I hit a couple more bumps in the road, but we've been handling our hiccups better and better every time, so I can't complain. Plus, I'm learning so much more about him, and it makes me feel like we're strengthening our relationship. They have also been teaching us to not take each other for granted, which is a challenge for both of us because we're pretty independent people and have busy lives outside of each other. We live almost an hour apart, so we don't spend a huge amount of time together. I will be living with him for a month as I rotate through Ob/Gyn in Boston, and we're both REALLY excited about that. So all in all, I'm a pretty happy clam in the relationship department. School though, is an entirely different story.

 

[audball]

Sounds like you are approaching things well then! We all get carried away, goodness knows I have had many drama moments myself. I am a big believer in two things in relationships: authenticity and honesty, in one's actions, intentions, and thoughts; and awareness of the role one's own behavior plays in creating patterns of interpersonal experiences. Both of these things are lifelong learning processes I think.

Great advice, Dreamer (as always!) We're both working to be as honest and authentic towards each other, even if it hurts and strikes a nerve. We have learned so much about each other, and even in the ugliest of moments, we still have love and respect for each other. It's a good feeling. And when we can settle a disagreement with a mutual understanding, it feels even better.

How are things sweetpea? You took the criticism very gracefully

I hope you two are doing well!

audball, things have been going well, you are so sweet for asking! I am under enormo stress because I am taking board exams for school in a few weeks, and time is just slipping away from me! BF and I hit a couple more bumps in the road, but we've been handling our hiccups better and better every time, so I can't complain. Plus, I'm learning so much more about him, and it makes me feel like we're strengthening our relationship. They have also been teaching us to not take each other for granted, which is a challenge for both of us because we're pretty independent people and have busy lives outside of each other. We live almost an hour apart, so we don't spend a huge amount of time together. I will be living with him for a month as I rotate through Ob/Gyn in Boston, and we're both REALLY excited about that. So all in all, I'm a pretty happy clam in the relationship department. School though, is an entirely different story.

That's good! Try and relax for your exams! Bumps are part of the journey, it's how you handle them that matters. Sounds like things are moving along nicely. Exciting that you get to live with him for a month! What a nice little trial without having to make anything super official just yet!

 

[jazzoboe]

Hey, I know it's been a while since you started this thread, but I just saw it and wanted to chime in because my DH has done something like this a few times before, and while I got kind of upset, he didn't even realize it was that big of a deal and didn't have bad intentions at the time, he just... didn't think things all the way through.

Example: after we had been dating a couple of years I lost a ring that my mother had bought me when I was 14. I had taken it off and put in my purse which I locked in my car while we were playing a game of ultimate frisbee, and when I went to get it back out I couldn't find it. Anywhere. I searched my car and couldn't find it. So he told me to keep looking but if I didn't find it he would buy me a new ring. I thought that was sweet, but of course I still turned my purse/car/pockets/everything I could think of inside out and never found it. To this dday I have no clue what happened to the ring. But when I brought this up and asked him about maybe looking at some rings (nothing pricey, mind you. The one I lost was probably <$100 and came from Kohls...) and he suddenly admitted that he never really intended to buy me one, and in fact he really strongly felt that he wouldn't buy me a ring until it was engagement ring (we were about 20 at the time, so that was still a ways off). I was kind of livid, but he told me he had really assumed I would find the ring and just wanted to make me feel better while I was panicking about losing it. I don't think he meant to lie/lead me on, he just really wasn't thinking through what he was saying at the time because he wanted to make me happy in the moment.

It's happened a couple other times but with smaller, silly things, like "I'll buy you your favorite chocolate if you ____" and then after I do whatever it is and I say, okay, how about that chocolate? He's all "Oh, uhhh... that's like $40. Don't you have some chocolate here?"

So I've talked to him about it and tried to make him realize that I take his word seriously, and while I don't think he's intentially doing this, it hurts my feelings when he promises things and then tells me he never intended to follow through.

I'd say if this is a on time thing, don't stress too much, but if something similar happens again, you should talk about it. Don't accuse him or anything, but be honest and let him know how you feel when you expect something based on what he's told you and then it doesn't happen. Sometime guys (and girls, too, let's be honest) say and do silly things and aren't even aware of what we're doing or that it could be hurting someone.

Just my two cents!