Poll: How much of a surprise?

[gwendolyn]

Just wondering how many other control freaks like me there are out there. For your engagement ring, would you prefer to be completely surprised and have you honey pick out everything without any suggestions from you? Would you prefer to drop hints (point to something in a window or a magazine and say, "Ohh, that''s pretty!") and let the rest up to him? Would you prefer to choose just the setting or just the stone and have your honey do the rest? Or would you (like me) want to pick everything out?

 

[CrookedRock]

Great Poll... I originally wanted him to pick out the stone, as I had already picked out the setting. Then I found PS and started becoming educated!!! NOw we are doing the whole thing together. Our plan is to pick out the stone together, deliver it to Leon together, design it together (with Leon''s expertise!), then I wouln''t see it again to he pops the question. This works great for me, bc I was a little bummed about not having a surprise, and now I will be surprised with a proposal and my finished ring. So in the end it will all work out!
I think that most of the PS women are far too educated (and diamond/ring obsessed

) to not be involved.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/14/2008 8:29:53 AM
Author: CrookedRock
Great Poll... I originally wanted him to pick out the stone, as I had already picked out the setting. Then I found PS and started becoming educated!!! NOw we are doing the whole thing together. Our plan is to pick out the stone together, deliver it to Leon together, design it together (with Leon''s expertise!), then I wouln''t see it again to he pops the question. This works great for me, bc I was a little bummed about not having a surprise, and now I will be surprised with a proposal and my finished ring. So in the end it will all work out!

Yay, that sounds like a great plan! J says he wants to be involved because he calls it "our ring," but everytime I show him different settings, he says, "Uh...they all just look like rings to me." Boys!

Author: CrookedRock
I think that most of the PS women are far too educated (and diamond/ring obsessed

) to not be involved.

I think you''re probably right, but I want some stats to see for sure! Wow, 17 votes already, very cool!

 

[nessvan12]

Good poll...I wanted to be sure I liked my ring because for right now, BF is not keen on the upgrading idea

. We''ll see if we can change that later! Anyway, my jeweler has a "registry" type thing set up and I have left 2 settings on my registry for him to look at and choose from. He prefers it that way too...takes a lot of pressure off of him.

 

[LegacyGirl]

Ok idealy he would propose with the perfect ring with no help at all from me... but that would have never happened LOL so I wanted to pick the diamond and the setting myself.

 

[sumbride]

I''m already married, but when I was a LIW I started to panic about what DH would choose for me. So I started working on him. He didn''t want to let me know WHEN he was going to propose so he didn''t want to have me pick out the ring before the proposal, but he did agree to proposing without a ring so that I could have all the fun later. He proposed with a diamond pendant! Let me tell you, getting TWO pieces of jewelry is AWESOME.

Yeah, I was a little bummed not to have my ring when we told people we were engaged, but it was only a few weeks of that, and now I''m glad I got EXACTLY what I wanted. And he gets lots of praise from people when I say "he let me pick it out."

 

[bee*]

D and I picked out our ring together and it was so romantic picking out the ring with him. I''m so glad that we picked it together and so is he!

 

[musey]

Ditto what bee said... those few shopping trips were some of the most romantic of my life

I didn''t answer the poll, because in the end, I didn''t feel that strongly about it. He has fantastic taste and I would have happily worn whatever he picked for me. However, he was nervous about it, and wanted to do it together--and that was just fine, too

 

[gwendolyn]

Musey, I knew I would forget a poll option! Should''ve had a ''don''t feel that strongly either way'' option, drat! Sorry.

 

[tberube]

Great thread idea! As for us, FI wanted me to let him know as much about what I wanted as possible, because he knows I'm very particular about style of jewelry and was afraid of making a bad choice. So I gave him a link to the setting of my dreams (to me just as important as the diamond, if not more so, btw), and he picked out the diamond. This was all before PS, but I think he did a fine job anyway.

ETA: I also liked the way we did it because then I had no idea when he actually bought or received the ring, so it was a total surprise when he finally proposed.

 

[sunnyd]

My BF started with, I want to do it myself. Then it became me telling him exactly what I wanted so he could do it himself with my input. Now he sees how freakin obsessed I am with every detail, and wants only to sign the check.

 

[CNOS128]

I go back and forth between wanted to choose everything myself (with his help) and leaving it up to him with some helpful hints. This is mostly because I know I will love whatever he selects mostly because it''s from him and this is more important to me than having my absolute ideal ring (and I can buy myself jewelry that''s exactly my taste), as long as I don''t think it''s ugly.

On the other hand, I think HE wants my guidance, as he seemed really relieved when I suggested that we go shopping together sometime (almost as if he didn''t know this was an option open to him).

I''ve shown him enough photos in magazines that he should really know what I like by now...

 

[designchica]

I feel bad because I probably took too much control over showing him rings. I gave him a few to chose from but it was pretty clear which one I thought was "jaw dropping" and "to die for". Oh well, at least he takes comfort in knowing I will love it and he''s excited about it!

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 2/14/2008 3:00:07 PM
Author: designchica
I feel bad because I probably took too much control over showing him rings. I gave him a few to chose from but it was pretty clear which one I thought was ''jaw dropping'' and ''to die for''. Oh well, at least he takes comfort in knowing I will love it and he''s excited about it!

I don''t think you should feel bad -- you''ll be getting what you really want that way! Most men I know who''ve purchased engagement rings above all want the women to love them. You''re the one wearing it for the rest of your life!

 

[misscuppycake]

I definitely want it to be a complete surprise. I''d rather have him pick out an ugly ring that he chose all by himself than have me take him through it step by step. Somehow that takes the magic out of it for me.

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m so conflicted on this one! I guess I want to pick the stone and then let him do whatever he wants to for the setting. In reality I have everything all spelled out for him on a sheet of paper, and I have websites with stones up all of the time. So he knows exactly (kinda) what I want. I just keep changing my mind...

 

[coatimundi_org]

me-picky-the-ring...

no question about it.

We looked together, but he was adamant about me choosing, because he wanted me to be 100% happy.

That works for me! (as I am quite particular about what I wear)

Control freak as much as you like--Gwendolyn!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Hahah, awesome, Coati!! I don''t like being alone in my control freakdom.

Wow, 69 replies and we FINALLY have someone who said they don''t want an engagement ring!! Wonder who it was, and if it was one of our men-in-waiting or an LIW? *strokes chin*

 

[Pandora II]

I got the best of both worlds.

The proposal was a complete surprise - no ring or rocks involved so I had no hint it was coming whatsoever. It was also lovely because the proposal was about us as a couple and not about the bling (I would have spent all evening with the loupe out

).

It wasn''t a shock - we had discussed all the things one needs to have discussed - but I certainly wasn''t expecting the proposal when it came.


Then I got to design the ring, hunt for the rock and put everything together. It was such fun and FI got to have his input too. He chose Tsavorite for the centre stone and wanted melee in the design. I decided the design and the size, quality and shape of the stone. It took so long to do (OCD on details), that FI bought me an antique sapphire/diamond eternity band as a placeholder - which I wear when I don''t feel safe wearing my actual e-ring.

I think it''s a bit more common in the UK to propose without a ring. My father and grandfathers both did.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/15/2008 8:11:35 AM
Author: Pandora II
I think it''s a bit more common in the UK to propose without a ring. My father and grandfathers both did.

Do you think that many women in the UK as a result don''t have an engagement ring at all? Or do you think most of them shop for something afterwards? I''ve heard that engagement rings aren''t as common here as they are in the US, in addition to the average e-ring size being smaller in the UK as compared to the US.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 2/15/2008 8:45:29 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 2/15/2008 8:11:35 AM
Author: Pandora II
I think it's a bit more common in the UK to propose without a ring. My father and grandfathers both did.

Do you think that many women in the UK as a result don't have an engagement ring at all? Or do you think most of them shop for something afterwards? I've heard that engagement rings aren't as common here as they are in the US, in addition to the average e-ring size being smaller in the UK as compared to the US.

I think a lot of guys in the UK want to get away with not buying the ring. My BIL didn't want to give my sister a ring. My father told him in no uncertain terms that my sister wasn't marrying any man who was too tight to buy her a ring. My BIL has plenty of money to afford one and my father knew it. He doesn't expect 2ct diamonds etc, but he expects at least a gesture.

I felt very sorry for my sister at Christmas as my brother's FI had just got her ring and everyone was admiring it. It's a 1.05ct rb that I got from Whiteflash and the cut is incredible. She was quite upset by the fact that both my FI and my brother had both put a lot of time and effort into our rings, whereas her husband hadn't (or into their marriage to be honest). He literally gave her an hour to choose something.

She has a 0.40ct oval sapphire which is a pretty colour and two 0.15 rbs on the side. It cost rather a lot, but the sapphire is chipped in 2 places and very included and the diamonds are I3 and very badly cut. She doesn't know this - and I would NEVER tell her. It irritates me as I could have got them something so much better and probably for less.

Engagement rings are just as common here as in the US - don't let anyone tell you otherwise! I think American men just know that a ring is non-negotiable - even if it's something small and inexpensive. With English men it is best just to make it very obvious that it is expected!

A lot of people do shop after the proposal - although that is becoming less common than it used to be. No eyebrows will be raised about not having a ring when you announce your engagement. Most people have the ring within a month or so - and having one made is regarded as very cool. Mine took 5 months, but all our friends know I'm an OCD gem fanatic so they expected that!

E-rings are also much smaller than in the US - and coloured e-rings are much more common. Anything over 1ct will be regarded as HUGE.

Most people will think that a 2ct stone is a CZ - unless you live in a very wealthy part of London or date a footballer!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/15/2008 10:58:16 AM
Author: Pandora II
I think a lot of guys in the UK want to get away with not buying the ring. My BIL didn''t want to give my sister a ring. My father told him in no uncertain terms that my sister wasn''t marrying any man who was too tight to buy her a ring. My BIL has plenty of money to afford one and my father knew it. He doesn''t expect 2ct diamonds etc, but he expects at least a gesture.

They just want to get away with not getting a ring? Hmm, I don''t like that much...

Author: Pandora II
I felt very sorry for my sister at Christmas as my brother''s FI had just got her ring and everyone was admiring it. It''s a 1.05ct rb that I got from Whiteflash and the cut is incredible. She was quite upset by the fact that both my FI and my brother had both put a lot of time and effort into our rings, whereas her husband hadn''t (or into their marriage to be honest). He literally gave her an hour to choose something.

An hour? That''s it? Did he not get the emotional importance of it, and was just doing it because your dad insisted? If he was resigned to spending the money on a ring, why not get the most for the price? Just couldn''t be bothered?

Author: Pandora II
She has a 0.40ct oval sapphire which is a pretty colour and two 0.15 rbs on the side. It cost rather a lot, but the sapphire is chipped in 2 places and very included and the diamonds are I3 and very badly cut. She doesn''t know this - and I would NEVER tell her. It irritates me as I could have got them something so much better and probably for less.

No doubt that is irritating. Is she happy with it? I know said in the last paragraph that she was upset at the lack of effort her husband put towards her ring, but does she at least like it for what it is? Or does she feel sort of lukewarm about it due to the lack of effort?

I think if I hadn''t stood my ground on why an engagement ring is important to me, J might have tried to act a bit like that with me. His world is very small and he thought (incorrectly) that neither of his sisters had engagement rings, so I shouldn''t get one either. Then he moved from that stance to one of, "Ok, one day we''ll go to a jeweler and just get something," implying that it would be with out pocket money (hahaha, of which was almost have none!). So I said, "NO. This is really important to me, and here''s why," and THEN he got it.

J also talked to his sisters about their engagement rings (when he found out they had them), and they spent about £750 and £1000 on their engagement rings, and have almost nothing to show for it--the rings are pretty enough, but the stones (one is diamond, the other ruby) are almost chips they are so small and the settings are crooked (I think that''s why his sisters don''t wear their engagement rings hardly ever). It seems like they overpaid by quite a bit--so once J saw the rings and heard the pricetags, and then saw what we could get online for the same money (although I was a larger budget than that, ideally), I think he saw that it clearly was important enough to me to have done my research to get the best value. I doubt he''s excited to save up the money, but I think he gets it now.

Author: Pandora II
Engagement rings are just as common here as in the US - don''t let anyone tell you otherwise! I think American men just know that a ring is non-negotiable - even if it''s something small and inexpensive. With English men it is best just to make it very obvious that it is expected!

Hehehe, oh I did, never you fear! J did try to tell me that engagement rings weren''t common (based solely on his two sisters, I think!), but then he learned what''s common here, what''s common at home in the US, and after I explained the importance a few times, he seems to understand. Whether he''s as understanding when we actually go to buy it will be another story though....

Author: Pandora II
A lot of people do shop after the proposal - although that is becoming less common than it used to be. No eyebrows will be raised about not having a ring when you announce your engagement. Most people have the ring within a month or so - and having one made is regarded as very cool. Mine took 5 months, but all our friends know I''m an OCD gem fanatic so they expected that!

Let me ask you a question about that. One of the things that I find compelling about the engagement ring is to have it essentially as a souvenir of the moment he proposes--do you associate your ring with that moment still, even though the design took place afterwards? I know you have the Scrabble board as a keepsake (which is AWESOME, I just love that he proposed that way!), but do you look at the ring and think of the proposal? I would think memories of designing it together would probably be more prominent...

I''ve mentioned our financial situation in relation to the engagement ring to J and said that it''s a shame I''m not an upgrade girl, because it makes sense to either have a baby engagement ring and then get the one I really want (the MWM Flame) later when we can afford it easier, but that part of the meaning behind it is that it''s the ring that he uses to ask me to marry him. It''s all a formality anyway for us, since we''ve had to talk it to death because we''re from different countries and if we''re not headed towards marriage, there''s no real point in staying together. So...I don''t know. I can also see us saying, "Oh yeah, later we''ll get your real ring" and it never happening due to other expenses coming up. Hrm.

Author: Pandora II
E-rings are also much smaller than in the US - and coloured e-rings are much more common. Anything over 1ct will be regarded as HUGE.


Most people will think that a 2ct stone is a CZ - unless you live in a very wealthy part of London or date a footballer!

Hahah, we won''t be getting a 2ct, so no problem there! I''d like a 1ct or slightly bigger if possible simply because my fingers are giant (8.75) and I want the stone to look proportional. That will all depend on what our actual budget is when the time comes, I guess! And how colour sensitive I turn out to be.

 

[ktdid]

Dangit! I replied wrong! I voted for choosing everything but I really meant that he could choose the stone. Well, I did tell him the shape I like, too, so I guess I am pretty much choosing everything. I''ve chosen the exact ring I want and told him he could choose the stone. I''m so generous

 

[Pandora II]

My BIL didn''t get the emotional bit at all - I really think he did it because my father said to!

I think my sister quite liked her ring until she saw mine and FSIL - the difference in quality is incredibly obvious. She''s not really into jewellery in the way I am. She likes it, but wouldn''t know the difference between a good stone or a bad one. Her sapphire has very obvious colour zoning and inclusions to say nothing of the window and the big chips, but she has no idea that they are even there. She certainly wouldn''t think to take a loupe to it!

Her marriage is somewhat of a disaster anyway - I think she clings to anything that she thinks shows he loves her, so her ring was a big thing for her. She was desperate to get married before I did, and got married in 2000 to the first guy she met after university - so I think she felt she was the grown-up one with the engagement ring and the wedding band. She made some exceedingly catty comments about the size of the diamond my brother bought his FI, and is really pissed off with me because FI told her I was getting a diamond and plat. w-band when she asked.

Her ring was about £1,000, back in 1999, so if you add inflation it would cost a good deal more today, hence why I feel that she got really ripped off. Remember the inflation bit when you are budget setting! (Just to give you a ball-park figure, my brother''s ring - 1.05ct H SI1 (totally eye-clean) with 0.45 tctw tapered baguettes in yg and plat. came in at £3,200 - all platinum would have been a bit cheaper as it wouldn''t have needed the extra bench-work - she has size 7.25 fingers and it looks huge (for the UK) on her).

I think it''s very important that a man saves his pennies in order to put a ring on his future wife''s finger. It''s a matter of principle and respect for me.

I think you are totally right to have explained to J how it is. A lot of women today are afraid or ashamed to admit their needs and desires. I found it hard to make it clear to FI that getting married was non-negotiable, but I am so glad I did.

I will probably get criticised for this, but if FI had refused to give me a ring, or had said he thought it was a waste of money etc, I would have thought very seriously about whether I wanted to marry him. Not because I want the bling in particular, but because I want to feel that he considers me worth a little bit of saving and sacrifice for something that is ultimately not that important as a material item, but has huge significance emotionally.

My FI is hideously anal about finances - he has ''THE SPREADSHEET'' where everything is added up and split 50/50: I go to the supermarket and buy food and just chuck the receipt away, he goes and the adds the receipt to the spreadsheet and splits it 50/50.

. I must admit that I was expecting a bit of grumbling over an engagement ring, but there wasn''t even a murmur.

My budget wasn''t huge - I didn''t want something horribly expensive on my finger (or huge insurance premiums!). I asked FI for a budget and said I''d pay anything over that so that I could have everything I wanted - I''m not an upgrade girl either. In the end I went over by a third, FI laughed and said he''d given me a smaller budget than his real one as he knew what would happen!
I did ask him if he was horrified that something so small could cost so much - he said no because it gave me such pleasure, he was proud of it and of me for designing it, and anyway, he spent similar amounts on camera lenses which will be obselete long before my ring ever is!

Hmm, the souvenir thing... when I look down at my hand, I do think about the proposal - and also the fun we had designing the ring. But when I look at the Scrabble board or at the little wooden advent calendar I feel the same. I also love that he got the calendar out on the 1st Dec this year all filled with truffles again and said that every year this would remind us of that day, it was so exciting getting to 24 - even though I knew there was nothing but chocolate hiding in there.

In someways it''s nice to have reminders that become permanent traditions like that - especially if one was the upgrade type.

 

[pyramid]

Pandora

A .40 sapphire with 15 point stones I3 CLARITY for £1000. Must have been one of our British Maul Stores.


Gwendolyn

Yes there is not the priority on rings over here in the UK which is in USA and an £1000 ring is seen as expensive for an engagement ring in these parts. Lots of people just want a symbol even one of £100-200 is seen as suitable. What you have as promise rings are our engagement rings over here mostly.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 2/15/2008 1:18:28 PM
Author: Pyramid
Pandora

A .40 sapphire with 15 point stones I3 CLARITY for £1000. Must have been one of our British Maul Stores.

It was from one of the antique shops in The Lanes in Brighton.

They''re kind of fun to look in, but you need to know your stuff to get anything good - and I haven''t seen any bargains in a long time. They also have great lighting and talk the talk. People trust them more as it''s not H. Samuels.

 

[gwendolyn]

I''d apologize for hijacking the topic, but it''s my topic!

Pandora II, I feel kind of badly for your sister. I''ve been in a relationship in the past where I had those same sorts of feelings that made me cling to physical evidence of affection, so I could try to convince myself that things were as they should be. I hope your sister is happy.

I''m glad you think it was right of me to explain things to J. For over a year, I wrestled mentally with myself, trying to figure out if I was being selfish or not. My mother is extremely judgmental of all aspects of my life, and she and my father had an engagement couch, because she isn''t big into jewelry and is way too practical to spend money on anything sentimental. I recently inherited my great-grandmother''s diamond engagement ring, which my mom didn''t want to give me at first because she kept saying, "But I really think it needs to be used as an engagement ring again." It''s pretty, but it isn''t my style at all, is about half the size I want (looks tiny on me), and most importantly, is a reminder of my grandmother (who''s worn it almost her entire life), not of J. So, I want my own ring. I want to wear my family ring as well, on my right hand, as my grandmother wore it, but I want my own as well. And my mother thought that was simply monsterous of me. So I went back and forth about it for ages, and ended up breaking down on the phone with J one night because I felt so guilty, and he was like, "Um, whoa, I had no idea it was so important." Which was what led to my monologue about all the reason why having an engagement ring was important (wish I could''ve done it with a bit more poise!

), and once I explained all the sides of it, he agreed with me that it was a big deal.

From all I''ve heard so far, I quite like your FI. I think maybe we need to ask him the secrets on how not to care about what other people think! I especially like how he wasn''t squeamish about the pricetag of such a small thing because he was proud of you for designing it and because it makes you happy. That''s very sweet. I think J is getting to that stage...just have to let the amount sink in so he will let it go when the time comes...

I love you permanent traditions! I am not going to involve myself in any way with J''s actual proposal (which I seriously doubt will have any props of any kind), but I would love to find a way for us to be able to dip back into that magic every now and then.

For us, I''m not sure if proposing without a ring would work. I know almost exactly what I want; the issue is just saving for it, so proposing without a ring could lead to many months without a ring, and if we don''t have money for the ring, we aren''t saving for the wedding or a house or anything yet (gah, when I say it like that, it sounds insignificant!), so I think we should just wait until we have the ring, enjoy being engaged for a bit, and then get on with saving for the rest of life.

But! We''ll see what happens. Maybe I''ll can the whole engagement ring idea and just ask for a new computer! ....nah.

 

[LegacyGirl]

If you want the ring you need to have it. How are you going to feel when people get all up in your business grabbing your hand looking for the ring. I hate nosey people! hahaha

 

[star sparkle]

At first we both wanted me to be surprised but after doing some looking around together to see what I might like to give him some ideas, we realized that the chances were too great of him picking something I wouldn''t end up liking (not because he doesn''t know what I like, but because they look SO different on my hand than I envision when I see them in a photo).

After trying on lots of different settings at many places, WF is currently working on a custom ring for me. It''s not entirely "custom," though, as it''s one they had done custom for someone else with a minor adjustment or two. I cannot WAIT until it''s finished.

I don''t think he''s going to let me see it when it''s done until he proposes. Meanie!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I''ve left it entirely in my SO''s hands. So far all the jewlery he''s ever gotten me has been perfect...so I trust that he''ll do well getting the ering on his own.

However, that hasn''t stopped me from saving several examples of erings I would love to have on our Wii. For those you of you do not know, when you log onto "favorites" on the Wii each site saved is a snapshot of the page. Needless to say, there are quite a few erings on our Wii right now