Premarital Counseling

[absolut_blonde]

I just wonder how common this actually is. SO and I have always considered this to be a given -- even before we''d formally discussed it, it was something that we''d both wanted before we married anyone. I personally think it''s a really good idea, even if you don''t have any major issues (we don''t). I see it as a good way to make sure we''re on the same page with things that we might be overlooking, learn some conflict resolution skills, etc.

Yet, I don''t know of that many couples who openly say they''ve done it, aside from my cousin and his wife. I do know it was helpful for them as they worked out
some money issues that they didn''t see eye-to-eye on. Maybe people just don''t like to talk about it as counseling in general is a bit ''taboo'' even today.


So I was just curious, but has anyone done it? What was your experience like? And if not, do you plan to do it with your FF/DF in the future?

 

[choro72]

My friends did it because it was a requirement from their church. They scoffed it at first, but they came back from the retreat saying how beneficial it was, and that they will continue after their wedding. It has been 3 years, and they have not gone back. FI''s friend also went to one.

FI and I plan to go to one, but we haven''t had time yet. It''s a very foreign idea to my mom, but we''re pretty sure that we''ll do it. What I''m most looking forward to is for the counselor to state problems that we haven''t thought about. We''re good at talking about issues, but I''m pretty sure that there are things we don''t even think about.

 

[CNOS128]

I haven''t done it, and have no plans to right now, but from what I know I am all in favor of it. I''ve known some couples who, although they had no outright "problems" going into marriage, really benefited from what they learned in counseling as issues arose later in their marriages.

I generally believe that counseling, individual and couples, can be incredibly helpful given the right state of mind and the right counselor. I forget sometimes that it''s actually a taboo topic. Maybe it''s living in NYC, but it seems like well over half of the people I''ve talked to about the subject have been to counseling at some point or still regularly visit a therapist.

Anyway, I know next to nothing about pre-marital counseling. Is it usually offered by religious organizations, or are there many secular pre-marital counselors? I''m under the impression that its goal is conflict prevention and development of communication skills -- is this true? What else can one expect to learn through the process? I''m intrigued.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I think that pre-marital counseling is an excellent idea. It would probably be offered by any registered counselor or therapist (social worker or psychologist)...

They may even offer it at your local University for free (either covered by your University''s insurance or as part of a research project- check out some of the psychology or counselling departments).

 

[JAMSRING]

My church required us to take a compatibility "test" that points out strenghts and growth areas in the relationship. The program is called PREPARE/ENRICH. We meet with a young trained couple from the parish to talk over the results and discuss important topics. Some of it is silly but most of it has been really eye opening. My fi talked about most of the topics long ago, but I guess most couples dont according to the people we are meeting with.

 

[KCCutie]

I haven''t done it, but I''m pretty sure I will.

My parents church requires it before you can be married there and my parents are one of the counseling couples. They have a book and a program that they go through with couples before the wedding and it seems to really help. Most of the couples my parents have counseled still call them up every once in a while and seem to be very strong couples. Of course they probably were strong couples before they even started. I think a lot of problems in marriage come from different expectations and counseling helps you talk through what you expect ahead of time.

My SO isn''t so excited about doing it, but I think if it will make my parents happy he''ll go along and I think he''ll see it rally is a good thing, or if nothing else it can''t hurt.

 

[Just_Me]

I think it is a great idea and can only be a benefit to the couple. My BF and I are definitely planning on doing it.

 

[that_someone_special]

The BF and I have not done anything like that, but WILL be doing it. Haha we need it! We know each other so well that when we do have a fight, it ends up going nowhere.. ha. We will be doing it before marriage-- and after if we need it. I don''t see anything wrong with it, sometimes you need anothers perspective to really see your own, or to be able to full see your SO''s.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I see nothing wrong with it, but neither I nor most people I know have or will do it. Besides the time issue, the only affordable place to do it where I am is through a church. As neither of us are christian and because some of the church''s other ideas about marriage (ie no gay marriage), are very different from our own beliefs, we do not really see the benefit of it. I have heard good things about it, but I have known many good marriages where they didn''t do it and some bad ones where they did.

 

[FrekeChild]

One of my friends did it with her husband through the church, and a few months ago they went into marital counseling-less than a year into their marriage. (I should mention it was a bit of a shotgun wedding...)

I don''t have anything against it, but I think I''d rather sit down with my dad and have him talk to us-so in a way it would be pre-marital counseling--only from a divorce lawyer.

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 5/19/2008 12:20:55 PM
Author: FrekeChild
One of my friends did it with her husband through the church, and a few months ago they went into marital counseling-less than a year into their marriage. (I should mention it was a bit of a shotgun wedding...)


I don''t have anything against it, but I think I''d rather sit down with my dad and have him talk to us-so in a way it would be pre-marital counseling--only from a divorce lawyer.

heh. Word.
My BF''s a lawyer, and so are lots of our friends. We''ve gotten a lot of legal advice from everyone, including the friend who was the divorce lawyer for a lot of the ''young'' marriages of other friends. (By ''young'' marriages I mean no offense, simply that these particular now-divorced couples attributed their early divorces to marrying young).
But we''re also about to sit down with a financial adviser to discuss transitions and changes to be prepared for when the time comes. That''s probably most useful to me right at the moment - and aren''t a lot of fights supposed to be about finances, anyway?

 

[Bia]

Funny this was brought up--like it was meant to be. It just so happens that BF and I have been in counseling for four months.

Reasons:

Since right around October of last year, the "marriage" discussions seriously began to happen, and it was great! But, as a result, the issue of eachother's family started coming into play. Because my fam is in Massachusetts, and his here in NY, much of time we will spend minor holidays with his family. However, during big holidays, I would go home and he would stay home. The only major holiday we would spend together was New Years. Well, in an attempt to show our families we are ready to unite our union, we decided to spend the holidays together by doing Thanksgiving at his house and Christmas at mine (we have more time off for Christmas and since my familiy is further away...you get the idea)...HOW STUPID WE WERE TO THINK THAT WOULD BE A SIMPLE FEAT!

Anyway, to make a long story short, we found out that because we didn't plan for it, our families were not thrilled with the surprises (very upset at the prospect of not having their children at one of the major holidays), and in instead of sticking together, we did the immature thing and took it out on one another. During this time, we began arguing fairly regularly. Since the marriage talks were happening more frequently (how, I cannot know since we were fighting through most of Thanksgiving - Christmas) I felt it was important that we speak to a third party because our fighting had gotten serious enough that it was taking its toll on the relationship. I was a psych major, so naturally I have always been open to it. He, was a classic ADHD child and somewhat of a "problem child" growing up, so his family sought therapy for him rather than go the medication route and so he was familiar w/ counseling. So, we decided that in order to prepare ourselves for an engagement, and the joining of families, we needed to talk to someone else. We wanted to touch on things like, how to foresee triggers, how to communicate even when I am so pissed I want to throw his sh*t out the window (yes, I have

)...things like that.

I have to say, I am a fairly private person and I especially don't like to talk about my relationship with people I don't trust. However, this was one of the best decisions we ever made together--I am actually quite proud of us. The woman we go to has been able to show us what each of us does to trigger the other. How we can refrain from getting ugly and how to use our disagreements as ways to improve our relationship--advice we have been able to utilize time and time again in just a few short months. As a matter of fact, we are "graduating" from it today, as it will be our last session--she laughed at us the a few weeks ago and told us we were done because, "Believe it or not, you're not that messed up guys...actually you're quite normal...and hilarious, if I might add."
I just thought to myself, "she must see some real nutcases!" LOL

Seriously though, I think counseling is a great idea, if you're ready for it. Although we didn't do it through a church or anything, as we are not very religious (I don't know that I would feel comfortable doing a retreat through the church) we did find someone very reputable...and she took his insurance, which was a MAJOR plus! So if you're considering it, definitely explore it further if you think you'll benefit from it. We certainly did. Just don't go to a quack...because then you'll just hear a lot of psycho-babble that doesn't mean anything to your relationship.

Good luck!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I agree - go to a registered psychologist or therapist.... The act of psychotherapy is regulated by the board... so don''t just go to anyone... There are a ton of "non" registered psychotherapist running around and charging less... meanwhile they have no formal training.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 5/19/2008 4:51:26 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I agree - go to a registered psychologist or therapist.... The act of psychotherapy is regulated by the board... so don''t just go to anyone... There are a ton of ''non'' registered psychotherapist running around and charging less... meanwhile they have no formal training.

Oh, we will definitely be going the chartered psychologist route. Neither of us is religious at all (we won''t even be getting married in a church) so counseling through a church is out.

And like Bia (thanks for your post, by the way-- that was awesome! Very helpful to get some input first-hand) I was also a psych major. So that''s the angle I''d like to approach it from. I actually have some ideas of what I''m looking for as far as a counselor''s orientation although we''ll see if I can actually find someone like that in the couples counseling field.

A financial advisor is another interesting idea. I can''t believe that never occurred to me. I do know there are some differences in how we handle our money so that could be highly beneficial. I should see if we know anyone who goes to a good advisor... I know there are a lot of mediocre ones out there.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 5/19/2008 6:41:48 PM
Author: absolut_blonde

Date: 5/19/2008 4:51:26 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I agree - go to a registered psychologist or therapist.... The act of psychotherapy is regulated by the board... so don''t just go to anyone... There are a ton of ''non'' registered psychotherapist running around and charging less... meanwhile they have no formal training.

Oh, we will definitely be going the chartered psychologist route. Neither of us is religious at all (we won''t even be getting married in a church) so counseling through a church is out.

And like Bia (thanks for your post, by the way-- that was awesome! Very helpful to get some input first-hand) I was also a psych major. So that''s the angle I''d like to approach it from. I actually have some ideas of what I''m looking for as far as a counselor''s orientation although we''ll see if I can actually find someone like that in the couples counseling field.

A financial advisor is another interesting idea. I can''t believe that never occurred to me. I do know there are some differences in how we handle our money so that could be highly beneficial. I should see if we know anyone who goes to a good advisor... I know there are a lot of mediocre ones out there.

Gooooo psychologists!!! whoot whoot!

Which theoretical orientation are you referrng to? I am just curious cause I am in the field myself.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 5/19/2008 6:46:38 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

Date: 5/19/2008 6:41:48 PM
Author: absolut_blonde

Date: 5/19/2008 4:51:26 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I agree - go to a registered psychologist or therapist.... The act of psychotherapy is regulated by the board... so don''t just go to anyone... There are a ton of ''non'' registered psychotherapist running around and charging less... meanwhile they have no formal training.

Oh, we will definitely be going the chartered psychologist route. Neither of us is religious at all (we won''t even be getting married in a church) so counseling through a church is out.

And like Bia (thanks for your post, by the way-- that was awesome! Very helpful to get some input first-hand) I was also a psych major. So that''s the angle I''d like to approach it from. I actually have some ideas of what I''m looking for as far as a counselor''s orientation although we''ll see if I can actually find someone like that in the couples counseling field.

A financial advisor is another interesting idea. I can''t believe that never occurred to me. I do know there are some differences in how we handle our money so that could be highly beneficial. I should see if we know anyone who goes to a good advisor... I know there are a lot of mediocre ones out there.

Gooooo psychologists!!! whoot whoot!

Which theoretical orientation are you referrng to? I am just curious cause I am in the field myself.

I''m not sure if it''s even feasible, but I''m really keen on CBT. Behaviour Modification was one of my all-time favourite classes. And I''ve had success with the techniques in the past. So ,I''d love it if I could find someone who incorporates some of those aspects. Though I''m pretty open to anything as long as it seems empirically sound! I almost think counseling will be fun, I am that much of a psych geek.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 5/19/2008 6:56:19 PM
Author: absolut_blonde

Date: 5/19/2008 6:46:38 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

Date: 5/19/2008 6:41:48 PM
Author: absolut_blonde

Date: 5/19/2008 4:51:26 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I agree - go to a registered psychologist or therapist.... The act of psychotherapy is regulated by the board... so don''t just go to anyone... There are a ton of ''non'' registered psychotherapist running around and charging less... meanwhile they have no formal training.

Oh, we will definitely be going the chartered psychologist route. Neither of us is religious at all (we won''t even be getting married in a church) so counseling through a church is out.

And like Bia (thanks for your post, by the way-- that was awesome! Very helpful to get some input first-hand) I was also a psych major. So that''s the angle I''d like to approach it from. I actually have some ideas of what I''m looking for as far as a counselor''s orientation although we''ll see if I can actually find someone like that in the couples counseling field.

A financial advisor is another interesting idea. I can''t believe that never occurred to me. I do know there are some differences in how we handle our money so that could be highly beneficial. I should see if we know anyone who goes to a good advisor... I know there are a lot of mediocre ones out there.

Gooooo psychologists!!! whoot whoot!

Which theoretical orientation are you referrng to? I am just curious cause I am in the field myself.

I''m not sure if it''s even feasible, but I''m really keen on CBT. Behaviour Modification was one of my all-time favourite classes. And I''ve had success with the techniques in the past. So ,I''d love it if I could find someone who incorporates some of those aspects. Though I''m pretty open to anything as long as it seems empirically sound! I almost think counseling will be fun, I am that much of a psych geek.

I would imagine most therapist working with couples would use CBT... I also agree counseling is going to be a lot of fun esp. if you are interested in psych!! Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

 

[stereogirl]

CBT is good, but when dealing with relationships i prefer to take a more psychodynamic approach. i myself have a master''s degree in clinical psychology and am working on my doctorate, but my church requires that my SO an i participate in premarital counseling before we can be married. I believe it''s important, but sometimes find it a little silly as i am more trained to do such counseling than the people who are offering it! Sadly, there are a lot of couples who never discuss vitally important topics, so PMC is a good idea for all couples in my opinion. Our church offers it for a flat fee of $20 (for the assessment paperwork and whatnot) and i think there are something like 10 sessions meeting with an older married couple in the church to discuss our differences. Local colleges, social workers, and psychologists should offer similar services (though probably more expensive).

 

[BriBee]

I haven''t gone through it yet, but it''s definitely on the agenda. We''re doing it partly because FI''s family is very Catholic, and his uncle is a Catholic priest and will most likely be marrying us. The counseling is a requirement to be married in the Catholic Church, but we''d do it anyways. I''ve been looking forward to the counseling because I think it''s a great opportunity to get an impartial 3rd party to weigh in on any issues that might come up. I consider our relationship to be very healthy, but there are 2 or 3 issues that seem to come up over and over again, and I am hoping that an outside opinion can help settle the matter, and help us to see eye-to-eye and reach an acceptable compromise. I think it''s a really positive thing, and an important step before entering a marriage. It may seem weird, but I''m really excited to go through it because I think it will strengthen our relationship.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 5/19/2008 7:44:58 PM
Author: stereogirl
CBT is good, but when dealing with relationships i prefer to take a more psychodynamic approach. i myself have a master''s degree in clinical psychology and am working on my doctorate, but my church requires that my SO an i participate in premarital counseling before we can be married. I believe it''s important, but sometimes find it a little silly as i am more trained to do such counseling than the people who are offering it! Sadly, there are a lot of couples who never discuss vitally important topics, so PMC is a good idea for all couples in my opinion. Our church offers it for a flat fee of $20 (for the assessment paperwork and whatnot) and i think there are something like 10 sessions meeting with an older married couple in the church to discuss our differences. Local colleges, social workers, and psychologists should offer similar services (though probably more expensive).

I see we have a lot of PhD students in the house!!! I always thought it was important to receive counseling yourself if you are going to practice as a therapist... They should make that apart of the curriculum if you ask me! I think it would be great to be apart of that experience from the opposite end of the spectrum, even if it means you will be hearing advice from someone with less training.

 

[stereogirl]

absolutely, in many programs it is a requirement and i''ve been on the other side and can safely say i like being the therapist better!!! haha.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

wicked! it''s not a requirement at my school unfortunately... i wish it were.

 

[wishful]

Also a fantastic book called His Needs, Her Needs by Dr.Willard Harley. It''s essentially designed for married people who are having problems but I think it''s ideal for non married people who don''t have problems YET! Preventative measures!!!

 

[anchor31]

I loved premarital counselling. It was offered by our church and we had a really great time. We didn''t learn anything mind-shattering about ourselves or each other, but we did learn great communications tips and other useful relationship stuff.

 

[ringless]

I don''t see it as a bad thing at all, EVERY couple would benefit from pre-marital counseling...

I am completely for it, and will do it before I get married!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 5/20/2008 8:35:42 PM
Author: wishful
Also a fantastic book called His Needs, Her Needs by Dr.Willard Harley. It''s essentially designed for married people who are having problems but I think it''s ideal for non married people who don''t have problems YET! Preventative measures!!!

Dr. Harley''s books are fantastic.

We did pre-marital counseling. While I was a LIW I saw a therapist so I could sort of straighten out what I wanted in my own head. When D was dragging his feet, I asked my therapist if he knew anybody who specialized in relationships/fear of commitment and my therapist gave me the name of another therapist. I gave that information to D thinking that it would be a good way for him to explore his fears without feeling pressure. He ended up going to that therapist and we went back to the same therapist after we were engaged. We knew we wanted to do pre-marital counseling (not through a church) because we wanted to make sure we had all the tools to have a healthy relationship. While the relationship didn''t end in anger, I still had some lingering hurt over my "waiting" and he had some lingering hurt over me leaving. Having an objective place to discuss that was very beneficial--the therapy also really helped us to get back on the right foot and move forward and better understand each other when we aren''t quite seeing eye to eye. Which is often Kidding!!

The way I see it, pre-marital counseling can only benefit you as a couple. I think there is a stigma attached to any type of therapy, as if something is "broken". That doesn''t have to be the case--there are always things that can be improved in any relationship...I really think that communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship, but it''s not really something couples work on. We really wanted to make sure we were actively working on it, especially through the engagement stage when emotionally quite a bit is changing. This past year has been the best of our relationship (who said the first year of marriage is the toughest!) and I really think that pre-marital counseling is one of the reasons why.

 

[Bia]

Since my last post...

BF and I got the stamp of approval on Monday. We are officially "cured!"

Seriously though, the therapist said we worked through a lot of minor stuff that most couples go through. She was impressed that we, at a young age and not even married (or engaged!), were able to be so practical and open to talking to a professional. I am so happy that BF and I made this decision together, and stuck with it (believe me when I tell you, there were days we were dying to play hooky) for the entire period. *On a cute note: He told her, in from of me (yay!) that he would do anything if it meant making me happy and that he can't wait to make me his wife!!! She got kind of teary eyed...how unprofessional was that?! LOL

So, you see, we have definitely benefited, as we don't fight the way we used to. We give eachother space when needed--my problem was always walking away so we could each cool off (I always want to talk "NOW!"). He is also more careful with what the words he uses, which is a big improvement, because nastry words from him = bad behavior from me. All-in-all, it was a great experience. I highly reccommend if you're going through stuff (or if you just want to learn ways to improve your relationship OR prepare for marriage), seeking an objective third party--and of course, that person should be a professional who knows their stuff.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Good for you, Bia!

I have to say, your old fighting style was EXACTLY the same as ours--I wanted to resolve it immediately thinking that was the right thing to do (not realizing it was only right for me, not him). We made a commitment to start the marriage with this resolved and it helped us immensely--it was so, so worth it. Old habits die hard, so it was hard to change our frame of thought at first, but it got easier.

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/21/2008 5:17:53 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Good for you, Bia!

I have to say, your old fighting style was EXACTLY the same as ours--I wanted to resolve it immediately thinking that was the right thing to do (not realizing it was only right for me, not him). We made a commitment to start the marriage with this resolved and it helped us immensely--it was so, so worth it. Old habits die hard, so it was hard to change our frame of thought at first, but it got easier.

Definitely not easy, as you say. But so worth it...

Thanks!

 

[ksprincess]

My FI and I have been going to pre-marital counseling for 8-9 months now and our wedding is in less than 2 months. It has been EXTREMELY helpful to us. We have been to two different counselors, the first was a prepare/ENRICH which really helped us expose our pre-conceived notions of marriage, family, and money and got everything out on the table. There are seriously things you wouldn''t think to discuss with your spouse like whose parents did what chores, do you expect that to continue, what is the one thing your family did that you NEVER want to do with your own...etc.

Currently, we are going to see a regular therapist every other week. We generally just talk about any arguments we may have had over the past two weeks and what is going on in our lives. He doesn''t say who is right and wrong ever, he just shows us techniques to prevent misunderstandings in the future and to work through conflict in a positive manner. I cannot over emphasize how helpful this has been to us and I think that everyone should go to at least a few sessions before you get married or even after.