Premarital Counseling

[kittybean]

I think premarital counseling is great, and I am definitely going to go through it with my boyfriend (hopefully fiance soon).

Here is my question for all who have gone through it in a church: how do you reconcile some of the things they want to teach or impress upon you with your own beliefs if you do not quite agree with theirs? My boyfriend and I are both Catholic, but he is much more orthodox and conservative. We are also in a pretty conservative diocese. I am concerned about the classes the Catholic Church requires about "natural family planning" and the sessions in which I''ve heard that the priest actively tries to dissuade you from premarital sex and using birth control. I do not agree with the Church''s view on birth control (just as an example), so how do I go through their counseling without feeling like a hypocrite? As another example, how do I tell a priest that we are living together and are not planning on changing that without feeling like a terrible person/not worthy of their approval for marriage?

Maybe my apprehension is premature, but I know we have to start this process relatively soon and I feel pretty anxious about it. Any helpful hints or insight from others who have gone through Catholic or other church counseling? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Bia]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 81px">Date: 5/23/2008 2:42:39 AM
Author: kittybean

Here is my question for all who have gone through it in a church: how do you reconcile some of the things they want to teach or impress upon you with your own beliefs if you do not quite agree with theirs?

My brother and his fiance recently did a Catholic pre-marital retreat. My brother said that it was fine. He is not supremely religious and was concerned they would be preaching to him all weekend. He said they dealt with issues pertaining to them...discussing ways to unite their families, how to go over finances, if they plan to raise their children in the church (she is somewhat religious), and if so, how so everyone is happy, etc. I think some congregations are careful not to spout too much Bible stuff, and therefore try to focus more on everyday life.

Although I probably won''t do this, as neither BF nor I are practicing Catholics, I think it sounds like a good idea, if it is something you''re ready to do. Don''t worry too much about your personal views vs. theirs.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 5/23/2008 2:42:39 AM
Author: kittybean
I think premarital counseling is great, and I am definitely going to go through it with my boyfriend (hopefully fiance soon).

Here is my question for all who have gone through it in a church: how do you reconcile some of the things they want to teach or impress upon you with your own beliefs if you do not quite agree with theirs? My boyfriend and I are both Catholic, but he is much more orthodox and conservative. We are also in a pretty conservative diocese. I am concerned about the classes the Catholic Church requires about ''natural family planning'' and the sessions in which I''ve heard that the priest actively tries to dissuade you from premarital sex and using birth control. I do not agree with the Church''s view on birth control (just as an example), so how do I go through their counseling without feeling like a hypocrite? As another example, how do I tell a priest that we are living together and are not planning on changing that without feeling like a terrible person/not worthy of their approval for marriage?

Maybe my apprehension is premature, but I know we have to start this process relatively soon and I feel pretty anxious about it. Any helpful hints or insight from others who have gone through Catholic or other church counseling? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I didn''t go through pre-cana or any other type of religious counseling, but I''m going to go out on a limb here and say that going through the more conservative classes might force you to discuss these things head-on. The counseling should make you think and talk about things like family planning, how you want to raise your kids, what roles you want to play in the home. Don''t worry about what the priest thinks--he can''t judge you for living together. But, if your boyfriend is more conservative, then it does need to be worked out. If you go through classes that are "easier", it might allow you to brush some of these things under the rug, which is what you don''t want.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 5/23/2008 2:42:39 AM
Author: kittybean
I think premarital counseling is great, and I am definitely going to go through it with my boyfriend (hopefully fiance soon).

Here is my question for all who have gone through it in a church: how do you reconcile some of the things they want to teach or impress upon you with your own beliefs if you do not quite agree with theirs? My boyfriend and I are both Catholic, but he is much more orthodox and conservative. We are also in a pretty conservative diocese. I am concerned about the classes the Catholic Church requires about ''natural family planning'' and the sessions in which I''ve heard that the priest actively tries to dissuade you from premarital sex and using birth control. I do not agree with the Church''s view on birth control (just as an example), so how do I go through their counseling without feeling like a hypocrite? As another example, how do I tell a priest that we are living together and are not planning on changing that without feeling like a terrible person/not worthy of their approval for marriage?

Maybe my apprehension is premature, but I know we have to start this process relatively soon and I feel pretty anxious about it. Any helpful hints or insight from others who have gone through Catholic or other church counseling? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

A few things. For me, counciling is too expensive except for a local church group. We are forgoing counciling rather than using them because they are against gay marriage. If they can''t understand how two people in love can''t marry, then they don''t understand mairriage like I do, so you have to consider what marriage means to you and what it means to the church.

For Catholicism more specifically, it is VERY specific to the dicoese. For example, the discoese where I went to college is one of the most conservative in the country and my friend went through them and described all your fears and said they were very judgemental. I live in the next diocese north, and it was much more practical and like the other girls on here describe, so it really depends.
You said you had a fairly strict one, could you maybe go elsewhere? I know that is frown upon in the church, but it might be best for both of you to find one that is a little more in the middle and might suite your needs better.

I don''t think Catholic ones are more strict beceause they cover child raising and the like, but because some are very judgemental about your choices, at least the conservative diocese was.

 

[rockzilla]

My fiance and I are going to have (outside of a church) premarital counseling. Although this will be expensive (probably several hundred $, but less than $1k, unless we find a way to do it with insurance) relative to what we will be spending on the wedding (multiple thousands...yikes!), it is not that much. Not to mention that it will probably be more helpful to the marriage than many (almost all, really) of what we''ll be spending on the wedding...to not have the counselling would be, to me, like buying a $20k ring and then not getting insurance because its too "expensive" - yeah, you''ll probably be okay without it, but the added peace of mind that comes with doing your due diligence is really valuable.

I sort of see it is an "insurance policy" - not necessarily against divorce, but to make sure we start things out on the right foot. Marriage planning is stressful, and so is the first year or so of marriage, so I think it will be a good way to manage that stress a little bit.

The industry I work in does a lot of consulting work for companies going through mergers - we make sure all the pieces fit together properly, everyone talks to one another, and that everything that is supposed to get done gets done, and nothing falls through the cracks. Marriage is the personal equivalent of a BIG merger - so I don''t see why I wouldn''t have a professional help out with one of life changes ever. I suppose if we were really stapped for cash, we may forgo it, but I think we''d choose to have less fancy flowers or something first.

 

[kittybean]

I didn''t go through pre-cana or any other type of religious counseling, but I''m going to go out on a limb here and say that going through the more conservative classes might force you to discuss these things head-on. The counseling should make you think and talk about things like family planning, how you want to raise your kids, what roles you want to play in the home. Don''t worry about what the priest thinks--he can''t judge you for living together. But, if your boyfriend is more conservative, then it does need to be worked out. If you go through classes that are ''easier'', it might allow you to brush some of these things under the rug, which is what you don''t want.

I completely agree that premarital counseling will help us discuss issues head-on; however, I just wanted to clarify that we have discussed many of them already. We have already agreed on how we want to raise our family, how we want to handle family planning, how we feel about living together and premarital sex. We definitely do not disagree on how we want to live our lives together. What worries me, though, is that inserting a third party, i.e. a priest, into our relationship will stir things up unnecessarily and overburden BF with guilt. I say that he is more conservative in that he puts a lot more stock into the Church being right about what we should be doing (he sees that they have a logical argument for natural family planning). He does not follow the more orthodox/conservative doctrine in practice and experiences the same doubts I do about the Church as an institution, but he just feels a LOT more guilty about it. While I think that it is okay to listen to your own conscience and disagree with what I feel is a human institution, he feels much more guilty about doing so. I think this would be a great thing to talk about and work through in counseling, but a conservative-minded priest is definitely not going to help him at all with his "Catholic guilt." Unless we went to a more "impartial" marriage counselor, I don''t see how the issue would ever be positively addressed--but maybe I''m not giving the priests enough credit.

How might we seek counseling in another diocese if we might not be able to physically go somewhere else because of the distance?