I am a 37-year-old woman hoping to start a family with my dear husband.
We have three parents between us - his father died many years go. Our parents are the proud possessors of eight grandchildren already.
All three parents are what I would call "problem parents" in the stereotypical way: They are domineering, controlling, pushy, have no respect for us as adults, have harrassed us relentlessly about having children for the last eight years, they can't let go,they invite themselves to stay for weeks at a time (we live in a different continent from them), they believe their way of life is the only way and the right way - in short, they are all pretty arrogant, traditional, and right-wing.
Nightmare, right?
My husband and I are live-and-let-live and are not a traditional couple at all. While we would like children, we do not believe that this is the be-all and end-all of life and we frequently spend time alone as we are both introverts. We do not subscribe to my parents' traditional view of marriage that we should stick to each other like glue 24/7 and only socialise with other couples.
I am not asking for advice about how to deal with these parents because we're on it: We say no to their requests for visits or we set parameters for the visits, we limit contact, and we accept that not only do they not respect us, they don't respect anyone else, so in a way it's not personal! For example, my sister is a 40-year-old intelligent and highly capable mother of three, but when they see her she says it's just one long lecture. I have heard my MIL snapping at others as well as me.
My question is this: Why do some parents need so much from the younger generation? (You might say that they're poor or lonely or whatever but all three parents are wealthy, and active within their home communities. Also, my parents have just returned from a 4-month round-the-world cruise with Cunard, so they're not a helpless pair!) Even though we live in a 2-bed 800-sq foot flat with 1 bathroom, they will try to insist on coming to stay for weeks on end if we have a baby - they have already indicated as much. The point is not that they will succeed - I just tell them I want my privacy - but I do not understand this urge among older people to butt in so heavily on the lives of the younger generation. Providing you are in good enough health, why is your own life so lacking that you have to impose yourself on us so relentlessly? If we suggest a hotel, or say we'd prefer to have just one Christmas by ourselves, they act as if we've shot them through the heart.
Our niece has no parents so my husband and I partly brought her up. She's 21 now and is joining the air force. I love her so much and am so proud of her. But I do not want to spend all my holidays with her and her friends/partner! I had dinner with her and three friends the other week, and although I enjoyed it, I could tell they were of a different generation. I would not be wanting to spend extended weeks with them!
I have my own friends of my own generation, my own activities, my work, my marriage....if we have a child I can't imagine wanting to butt in on their lives at key times like just after they are married, or their first Christmas together, or just after having a baby when the wife is postpartum.
I know, from looking online, that my complaints about our parents are not uncommon. Pushy, domineering parents who put their desire for future grandchildren or desire to see present grandchildren above any consideration of their existing adult children are everywhere, it seems. My parents once got away with an extended visit because they booked their flights for three weeks....without asking first. They had no consideration whatsoever for the fact that my home is also my spouse's home. (He took off to New York "on business" for a portion of their trip and I did not blame him one bit!) And you know what's funny? My mother's parents used to dump themselves on us for a month twice a year when I was growing up, and my dad hated it! Once, when I was about 11, he shouted at them to go home, he was that fed up with having them there - and then he goes and does the same thing to his own married child!
They remind me of those people on the Tube's escalators: Every single person is travelling on the right, so those in a rush can get by on the left. Without fail, there is always one person who is totally, utterly oblivious that every single person around them is standing on the right, and they stand on the left, blocking the flow of people who need to get past.
I see the problem parents as being like those Tube travellers - utterly oblivious - and my question is: Aren't you embarrassed to be such a horrendous stereotype of all the things that the parents of adults are not supposed to be? How can you be such a total pain to a married couple and not realize it?
Further background: My father was violent occasionally over the years, so I don't feel terribly like playing happy families in adulthood. I also feel angry with my mother for staying. They have mellowed with age and yes, I do want to spend time with them and have a relationship with them, but I just don't know how the older generation can be so selfish.
If anyone has insights into why some members of the older generation are so bent on creating havoc for the younger ones, I'd love to know!
We have three parents between us - his father died many years go. Our parents are the proud possessors of eight grandchildren already.
All three parents are what I would call "problem parents" in the stereotypical way: They are domineering, controlling, pushy, have no respect for us as adults, have harrassed us relentlessly about having children for the last eight years, they can't let go,they invite themselves to stay for weeks at a time (we live in a different continent from them), they believe their way of life is the only way and the right way - in short, they are all pretty arrogant, traditional, and right-wing.
Nightmare, right?
My husband and I are live-and-let-live and are not a traditional couple at all. While we would like children, we do not believe that this is the be-all and end-all of life and we frequently spend time alone as we are both introverts. We do not subscribe to my parents' traditional view of marriage that we should stick to each other like glue 24/7 and only socialise with other couples.
I am not asking for advice about how to deal with these parents because we're on it: We say no to their requests for visits or we set parameters for the visits, we limit contact, and we accept that not only do they not respect us, they don't respect anyone else, so in a way it's not personal! For example, my sister is a 40-year-old intelligent and highly capable mother of three, but when they see her she says it's just one long lecture. I have heard my MIL snapping at others as well as me.
My question is this: Why do some parents need so much from the younger generation? (You might say that they're poor or lonely or whatever but all three parents are wealthy, and active within their home communities. Also, my parents have just returned from a 4-month round-the-world cruise with Cunard, so they're not a helpless pair!) Even though we live in a 2-bed 800-sq foot flat with 1 bathroom, they will try to insist on coming to stay for weeks on end if we have a baby - they have already indicated as much. The point is not that they will succeed - I just tell them I want my privacy - but I do not understand this urge among older people to butt in so heavily on the lives of the younger generation. Providing you are in good enough health, why is your own life so lacking that you have to impose yourself on us so relentlessly? If we suggest a hotel, or say we'd prefer to have just one Christmas by ourselves, they act as if we've shot them through the heart.
Our niece has no parents so my husband and I partly brought her up. She's 21 now and is joining the air force. I love her so much and am so proud of her. But I do not want to spend all my holidays with her and her friends/partner! I had dinner with her and three friends the other week, and although I enjoyed it, I could tell they were of a different generation. I would not be wanting to spend extended weeks with them!
I have my own friends of my own generation, my own activities, my work, my marriage....if we have a child I can't imagine wanting to butt in on their lives at key times like just after they are married, or their first Christmas together, or just after having a baby when the wife is postpartum.
I know, from looking online, that my complaints about our parents are not uncommon. Pushy, domineering parents who put their desire for future grandchildren or desire to see present grandchildren above any consideration of their existing adult children are everywhere, it seems. My parents once got away with an extended visit because they booked their flights for three weeks....without asking first. They had no consideration whatsoever for the fact that my home is also my spouse's home. (He took off to New York "on business" for a portion of their trip and I did not blame him one bit!) And you know what's funny? My mother's parents used to dump themselves on us for a month twice a year when I was growing up, and my dad hated it! Once, when I was about 11, he shouted at them to go home, he was that fed up with having them there - and then he goes and does the same thing to his own married child!
They remind me of those people on the Tube's escalators: Every single person is travelling on the right, so those in a rush can get by on the left. Without fail, there is always one person who is totally, utterly oblivious that every single person around them is standing on the right, and they stand on the left, blocking the flow of people who need to get past.
I see the problem parents as being like those Tube travellers - utterly oblivious - and my question is: Aren't you embarrassed to be such a horrendous stereotype of all the things that the parents of adults are not supposed to be? How can you be such a total pain to a married couple and not realize it?
Further background: My father was violent occasionally over the years, so I don't feel terribly like playing happy families in adulthood. I also feel angry with my mother for staying. They have mellowed with age and yes, I do want to spend time with them and have a relationship with them, but I just don't know how the older generation can be so selfish.
If anyone has insights into why some members of the older generation are so bent on creating havoc for the younger ones, I'd love to know!
So when they say that I now say, "Are you trying to say you love us and miss us?" And they usually say, "Yes!" To which I can respond, "Then please just say that! It hurts my feelings when you suggest I get a job at a place I cannot. We miss you too." Eventually they might figure it out and just say what they mean rather than being indirect and controlling about things.
her response is "Im YOUR mother" grrrr.... I'm making mental notes on how not to act when my children grow up!
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