Problem Parents: Aren't You Embarrassed?

[Rhea]

I've not noticed the criticism towards you. People seem keen to share their ideas and how their families work. People are offering advice and attempting to help. If you want to rant people will listen and sympathize as well.

I'm another that hasn't had any trouble in either my parental relationship or my relationship with my in-laws. I get on with my MIL, however I was recently told by my husband that his mother acts differently toward me than to anyone else. To put it in context, he was telling a story and I had an outburst of "you always talk about your mother like that, but I really like her!" Partner thinks that MIL thinks that she's not allowed to upset me, that if she did and it was a big one that partner would side with me. Basically, I have the power to "take away" something precious to her, so she isn't bossy, doesn't tell me what to do, and fairly kind and considerate toward me. However and whatever my partner thinks, it works.

My parents have it rough with the in-laws on both sides. My maternal grandmother is poorly behaved. To say that my mother hates her mother would be putting it lightly. She recalls a terrible childhood with a selfish and demanding mother. I'm protected from this terrible grandmother by my loving mother. All the things that you say you won't do when you have children, my family seems to be one generation ahead of the game.

I'm not some delicate flower that needs protecting, my grandparents and in-laws just simply aren't allowed to get away with it so they don't do it. People do it because they can. And I've learned to cope and communicate with any demands in my family, it's not all flowers and roses, through years of therapy

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am actually very happy in my job I have a tenure track position in a beautiful city. And we prefer to live near my mother not my husband's parents.

I must admit, the way you talk about your parents... well it is not very cheritable or nice or accepting. I am sure they are well aware of how you feel about them. Do you really wonder why they act the way they do? People often behave very badly when they feel rejected. My advice was not to turn the other cheek, but work to repair your relationship with them.

Are you sure that is the order of events? Kids rejected parents, THEN parents act horribly. You don't think it is possible the parents behavior caused the kids to reject the parents?

Sure, many parents are complete jerks. Many parents are rejecting of their kids and it creates a cycle. But we can't control our parents, just as they can't control us. All we can control is ourselves. We can choose to have a relationship with our parents, or not. We can choose to try and be compassionate to them, or not. We can choose to let them treat us poorly, or not. What is the point of blame in an adult relationship? If the parents are SO bad then perhaps it is better for the adult child to have no relationship with them at all. I chose that route with my father. But if an adult child wants a relationship with their parents -- poorly behaved as they may be -- the only way to accomplish that in my humble opinion is to try to treat them as you desire to be treated, with honesty, respect, kindness, and understanding. And demand the same treatment in kind. Or set very firm boundaries on the relationship; limit contact to certain places or venues or topics. don't reward their bad behavior. Its harder said than done, sure. But thems the breaks in life. We don't all get the parents we want in life. And they don't all get the kids they want, either

 

[Dreamer_D]

Another thing, Dreamer: No, I am not so charitable towards them always, but I hide it from them pretty well in their old age. Adult children of homes that were sometimes violent in fact, (as I mentioned in a post above) and frequently threatened by violence in the home at large, do tend to be ambivalent about their upbringings and parents. You are very lucky if you had a "normal" home environment.

Actually, you don't know anything about my home environment growing up. Don't make assumptions based on my opinion about your attitute towards your own parents, or my beliefs about parent-child relationships in general. I have worked hard on my relationship with my mom, I forgive but don't have contact with my father, and I forgive and am tolerant of my grandmother and grandfather. All those options are available to you. I am simply suggesting choosing one and let go of the anger. It is not worth it.

 

[Jsbasket]

I recently read that children have a deep need to belong, and their misbehavior is a response to not feeling that sense of belonging. SO, they try to get attention by acting out, whining, having a temper tantrum, initiating a power struggle, or acting powerless. We can TRY to change their behavior, but that's not likely to happen. Instead, we need to change OUR own behavior toward them, or our response to their misbehavior. As I read your post, it occurred to me that our parents are often like our children - acting out in incredible ways because they desperately want to belong or be included, but their behavior does the opposite, and drives us away. I certainly don't have any answers, but would suggest that you try some "parenting" techniques on your parents (or in-laws). Calmly explain how their behavior makes you feel. Offer them choices (i.e. "we can spend time together, but not if you are going to pry into my private decisions"), and when they don't change their behavior, hold them to the consequences. "I see you've chosen to pry after I've asked you not to, so I'm going to leave now". That's the hardest part - being consistent with consequences without becoming angry or bitter. Be kind to yourself, but also recognize that parent/child relationships are very, very complex, and you may not be able to fix what's broken. But you may be able to learn to live with the brokenness. We're all broken vessels in some way or other. Good luck to you dear. And, if you and your husband decide not to have children, then don't feel guilty about your choice. I have three siblings. My older sister and I have children, my brother and younger sister and their spouses chose not to. My mom still thinks they made a terrible choice ("Who will take care of you in your old age?") But they are having the time of their life, and saving all the money they would have spent on kids, so they can PAY someone to take care of them if need be. I doubt that will be necessary - they'll probably die sky-diving in their 80's!!