Proposal in the wings?

[Independent Gal]

Yeah, what T''Gal said makes me realize I said what I said a bit confused-ly.

1) Sounds seriously like marriage isn''t what he wants right now and might not be any time soon.
2) Sounds like it seriously IS what you want on the sooner side.
3) Waiting will make you bitter and probably result in disappointment.
4) So he needs to think long and hard about whether you two want the same things, and because it''s your LIFE that is being kept on hold, he should do you the honour of thinking about that now-ish, not take his sweet and probably endless time to decide when to think about it. AFTER EIGHT YEARS!
5) But make sure he knows absolutely that you don''t want to marry him unless he truly, actually, actively wants to be a husband.

There. not sure why I said it all again?! Hopefully it was clearer.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/21/2007 6:15:01 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Yeah, what T''Gal said makes me realize I said what I said a bit confused-ly.

1) Sounds seriously like marriage isn''t what he wants right now and might not be any time soon.
2) Sounds like it seriously IS what you want on the sooner side.
3) Waiting will make you bitter and probably result in disappointment.
4) So he needs to think long and hard about whether you two want the same things, and because it''s your LIFE that is being kept on hold, he should do you the honour of thinking about that now-ish, not take his sweet and probably endless time to decide when to think about it. AFTER EIGHT YEARS!
5) But make sure he knows absolutely that you don''t want to marry him unless he truly, actually, actively wants to be a husband.

There. not sure why I said it all again?! Hopefully it was clearer.

I actually understood what you were saying the first time.

But the above post was good too!

 

[Pandora II]

As someone whose FI spent enormous amounts of energy making sure all our friends thought he was not into marriage I can fully empathise with those whose boyfriends want to do the big shock surprise thing.

However, he never threw my sadness and frustration in my face or said he didn''t get why I wanted a ring.

There are some big red flags for me here I''m afraid. I think after 8 years you definitely know and it shouldn''t need MORE time to mull over.

My real worry is for you. It''s very easy to ended up jaded, losing respect for the other person and ultimately getting to the point where you just don''t care anymore.

Your situation is the one where I would say an ultimatum was in order.

I would say to him:

I''m not going to whine or complain anymore. I want you to know that I love you and our life together, however my future happiness is more important. I want to be able to plan my life and my future children. I hope that those plans include you. I need to know by xxx date (I would say a date 6 months from now) that you are ready to propose or else I will need to move on with my life.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 6/21/2007 8:30:48 PM
Author: Pandora II
As someone whose FI spent enormous amounts of energy making sure all our friends thought he was not into marriage I can fully empathise with those whose boyfriends want to do the big shock surprise thing.

However, he never threw my sadness and frustration in my face or said he didn''t get why I wanted a ring.

There are some big red flags for me here I''m afraid. I think after 8 years you definitely know and it shouldn''t need MORE time to mull over.

My real worry is for you. It''s very easy to ended up jaded, losing respect for the other person and ultimately getting to the point where you just don''t care anymore.

Your situation is the one where I would say an ultimatum was in order.

I would say to him:

I''m not going to whine or complain anymore. I want you to know that I love you and our life together, however my future happiness is more important. I want to be able to plan my life and my future children. I hope that those plans include you. I need to know by xxx date (I would say a date 6 months from now) that you are ready to propose or else I will need to move on with my life.

I agree with Pandora. It just doesn''t make sense that, after 8 years, he still wants to take his time. I would have a serious talk with him (calmly) and say pretty much exactly what Pandora wrote and go from there.

 

[anchor31]

I just caught up with what''s been happening... And I feel very sorry for you. I sadly have to agree with the two previous posts. It''s been eight years, and I assume he''s in his mid-late 20s... If he doesn''t know now, he may never know. It seems to me he''s perfectly content with how things are right now (living like a married couple without being married) and has no intentions of changing them. But that''s not fair to you, is it?

 

[jennypoo]

Yes, I also agree with what Pandora wrote. It makes total sense, but it''s just so hard. I love him so much, and I *do* want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I''m not entirely comfortable with giving him an ultimatum just yet. We hit sort of a "rough patch" last summer that nearly ended our relationship, and it was on my part. Basically, I hit a low point in my life and thought about ending the relationship. I became very depressed and withdrawn. My family was so supportive - they didn''t want to see me end it without thinking long and hard. They love my BF, and thought it was worth pursuing. So I did, and we worked it out. He was very supportive the entire time and he proved how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. I honestly think he was going to propose before I brought that on. Ever since, things have been great, but he still mentions the rough patch and says it makes him nervous. He knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but I think it really took a blow to his self-esteem. I''m not making excuses for him, I''m just telling you there''s more to the story.
I had a chat with HIS parents last night, and they wonder why it''s taking so long, too. But this is SO typical for him. It was the same way when we bought the house. He would discuss the idea of buying a house, so I of course took it as a green light to start seriously looking (we had just started saving), and BOY did he dig his heels in! He said he wasn''t in a "huge rush" and that he would do it at his OWN pace. So as hard as it was, I backed off, and as soon as I backed off, he became much more pliable. He is SO stubborn by nature. So we''ll see. Maybe by backing off, now that he knows how I feel, he''ll put his "plan" into action. I do have a date in my head that if it doesn''t happen by, then I''ll give the ultimatum.
Thanks so much for your support guys. I really do appreciate the advice, and I''m sure as some of you may know, it certainly isn''t a good spot to be in, but even more difficult when you do truly love the guy... *Sigh*

 

[Aloros]

*hugs* Hang in there. People tend to have the same behavioral patterns when it comes to similar stuff. If he became more pliable after you backed off on the house-buying, chances are he''ll do the same with the proposal (I''m crossing my fingers for you anyway!).

It''s good that you have a mental timeline for an ultimatum. Just be sure to stick to it! It''s so tempting to let things slide when you really love a guy. Just remind yourself: Eight years really IS a long time.

Hoping for the best!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 6/22/2007 4:41:37 PM
Author: Aloros

It''s good that you have a mental timeline for an ultimatum. Just be sure to stick to it! It''s so tempting to let things slide when you really love a guy. Just remind yourself: Eight years really IS a long time.

Hoping for the best!

I agree-stick with your mental timeline!