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Question about the Maid of Honor...

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CharmedOne

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 7, 2012
Messages
796
I have been married 18 years, but I have never had a wedding or an engagement ring. We are getting married on our 20th anniversary which is in 2014. My husband is so excited and is planning like crazy but I'm thinking we still have two years. He says before you know it, it will be here. So then I started to get worried and now I can't stop thinking about it. I have two SILs and now they are both married. So I'm having a hard time deciding which should be my MOH. I feel like if I pick one over the other, I would be hurting the others feelings. Is it a thing where you can only have one? Or can you have two? Sorry I know nothing about wedding, I got married at a courthouse. I feel weird asking them because they come to me for marriage advice.
 
I am a little confused, you are already married? And you will be doing a vow renewal? You can ask whomever you like, but maybe I would just title them "attendants."
 
Yes we got married at a courthouse. You get your license and you say your I dos there. We didn't do any vows at all, but we will at our wedding in 2014. At the courthouse, it's pretty much "Do you take each other?" and then you are pronounced man and wife. After that we signed a book and left. That was it. But on our 20th, we want the whole wedding dress, vows, engagement ring, new wedding rings, etc.
 
Oh I'm sorry. I should have said we are getting remarried. Boy do I feel silly. So are you saying you don't have a MOH if you are getting remarried? If not that makes it so much easier :D
 
"remarried" sounds like you un-married, and are marrying again. I'd call it a vow renewal (even though you didnt really have vows the first time). That's usually what married couples do when they want another ceremony.. Like, "For our 20th wedding anniversary, we are renewing our vows, and would love for you to join us at the vow ceremony."??

Can you just make both SILs bridesmaids and forgo the whole "of honor" thing? My close GF is having 6 bridesmaids, and none are MOHs so that no one feels upset. I told her a million times to do what she wants and who cares if anyone gets upset since it's HER day, and not any of the bridesmaids, but she felt this was the most neutral, safe route.

But if you're closer to one SIL over another, or have a closer FRIEND than those SILs, go with that person.
 
Thank you so much Madelise, I'm sorry I didn't mean to confuse anyone. Then yes, we are renewing our vows :) I have known one three years longer than the other but I wouldn't say one is closer than the other. I see them both as my sisters. They are my husbands two younger brother's wives. My husband had no problem and picked the older out of the two as his best man. So I was thinking I might have to pick his wife, but now that I know I don't have to have one. I may do all bridesmaids, like your friend.
 
Your SIL's will actually be "matrons of honor" since they are both married. And, you can have two. I bet they would enjoy equally being your attendants at this special occasion. No need to worry about hurt feelings if you ask them both to be your matrons of honor.
 
mandasand, Thank you. That is great! I wish I would have asked sooner, then I wouldn't have gotten all worried about it. Matron of Honor x 2! Thank you so much :D
 
Hmm.. Nice add, manda! Matron instead of maid.. I'd never think of it! I'm wondering if you can make both brothers best men then?? So y'all arent just leaving one guy out??
 
I think that's a great idea too. But it's up to my husband. I will suggest it to him. Unfortunately, he doesn't care if it bothers his little brother, at all. He thinks his youngest brother is very immature and knowing him they way we do. He would probably show up late for to the wedding. Which would really set my husband off. So, maybe not ;)
 
CharmedOne|1346210343|3258969 said:
I think that's a great idea too. But it's up to my husband. I will suggest it to him. Unfortunately, he doesn't care if it bothers his little brother, at all. He thinks his youngest brother is very immature and knowing him they way we do. He would probably show up late for to the wedding. Which would really set my husband off. So, maybe not ;)
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Hm…. if he's going to be late, his wife is going to be late… just something to consider.
 
I'm going rent the bridal suite. So my sisters, my mom(MIL) and my niece will be staying the night before the wedding with me. The men and the rest of the family will be in a hotel near by. So thankfully, I won't have to worry about her or my little flower girl being late.
 
Sounds like these ladies have helped you figure things out! Congrats on your upcoming 20th anniversary!
 
Thank you so much Audball :D
 
CharmedOne|1346239727|3259042 said:
I'm going rent the bridal suite. So my sisters, my mom(MIL) and my niece will be staying the night before the wedding with me. The men and the rest of the family will be in a hotel near by. So thankfully, I won't have to worry about her or my little flower girl being late.
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LOL! Maybe there should be a groomsmen suite!! Him being late would be horrible! Or tell him the ceremony starts half an hour before it actually does?

When is the big day?
 
That is a great idea ;) I will do that but maybe 45 minutes early lol.

I want a Grecian style wedding on the beach. So I won't be able to do it on our anniversary, which is November 18th. I am trying to narrow down a month where it's not too hot, but not so cool that breeze will be too much. I was thinking some time in August. The wedding will be on the beach in St. Michael's, which is in Maryland.
 
CharmedOne|1346268311|3259332 said:
That is a great idea ;) I will do that but maybe 45 minutes early lol.
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I told my younger sister that and she still managed to turn up late.. We had a registry office wedding and I stood up (no walking down the aisle) to stop the ceremony and ask the person who leads the vows to come back once my sister had shown up. I don't mind, it suits her personality, and we're pretty used to it by now. She teases that she plans not to marry so that I can't do it to her because sisterly pay backs can be hell.

But if it will upset your husband you may actually want to plan something before hand, such as photos for the family and wedding party. If the brother is late to that it's easier to cover up, and doesn't have the impact of walking into a wedding with everyone stood up and looking at you, which is how we were for sister.

Congratulations on 18 years!
 
Hi Rhea!

I am hoping the boys will all stay in the same room to keep him on time, but I know if he is not ready, they WILL leave him there. Photos before the wedding is a good idea. I see couples after the wedding and people keep stopping them to hug or take pictures with them and the photographer is rushing them along. Doing it that way would make the wait for the reception shorter too. I think I may just do that. Thanks, that's a great idea ;)
 
Oh.. And sorry about standing there waiting. Even though you guys are used it, as are we, it is very annoying with something that special and life changing.
 
CharmedOne|1346280222|3259453 said:
Oh.. And sorry about standing there waiting. Even though you guys are used it, as are we, it is very annoying with something that special and life changing.
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Nah, we were highly amused. It was a pretty casual thing and she gave us a great story. No matter what time you tell her, she'll still be late. Is your brother in law like that?

I often hear about couples doing at least some of the photos before hand. I think it keeps the guests waiting less time after the ceremony for the reception to start.
 
Yes, my husbands little brother is exactly like that. I'm sure he would have been late to his own wedding, if his mom had not woke him up :D Him being late is definitely his MO.
 
CharmedOne|1346184087|3258722 said:
I have been married 18 years, but I have never had a wedding or an engagement ring. We are getting married on our 20th anniversary which is in 2014. My husband is so excited and is planning like crazy but I'm thinking we still have two years. He says before you know it, it will be here. So then I started to get worried and now I can't stop thinking about it. I have two SILs and now they are both married. So I'm having a hard time deciding which should be my MOH. I feel like if I pick one over the other, I would be hurting the others feelings. Is it a thing where you can only have one? Or can you have two? Sorry I know nothing about wedding, I got married at a courthouse. I feel weird asking them because they come to me for marriage advice.
Click to expand...

Are your SIL's your best friends? I asked my bestest friend in the world who has been there for me through everything. But, yeah, if you don't want a MOH because you will feel awkward... don't have one. Or have two. Do what you like! I have two bridesmen, and plenty of people think that's weird. But it's my wedding, so I do what I want.

Also, YES, two years will go by FAST. I know, because I thought the same way you did, and now a year and a half has gone by and we JUST started planning and are having to work super-fast and just immerse ourselves in wedding stuff in order to get it done on time.
 
I actually have a maid and matron of honor. My best friend who is the maid (not married) and my cousin who I have always been able to count on is the matron (married). I like that I have two, as it lightens the load for them both AND they are very different and know me in different ways, so it's fun to see these two fabulous women working together for me! I love it!
 
So are you going to have both SIL's too?

You really can do whatever you please with your bridal party! And congratulations on near-20 years!
 
I hope you're able to figure it out!
 
Thank you all for your comments. I have been really sick for three weeks and now finally breathing well with out assistance. Sorry, I was not ignoring anyone. Yes I think I will have both SILs as my matron of honor. We are close but could be closer but I live in a different state so it's hard. I do love them dearly though.

I would love to have a wedding. But now everybody is saying its not a good idea and we should just have a nice vacation together. They think since we have been married so long it's not a big deal and now I'm feeling like people won't take it seriously and won't come. IDK maybe I should just have a small ceremony but I want one. I didn't have a wedding before because I was PG and showing. Plus my husband wanted to get married before the baby was born, which only gave us three months to plan one. Plus his feelings about the birth and being married came out of nowhere. His mom wanted us to wait to have a wedding but he refused to wait.

So do you think a small service would be better since we have been married for so long? I still want to have one. The girls think I should have a small wedding and spend the extra money on the engagement ring since I never had one. What do you think?
 
First of all, I'm glad you're feeling better!

Whether or not you have a wedding right now is absolutely up to you. None of us here can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. In your dreams, what would your wedding be like? How many people? Where? Budget?

My husband and I eloped 4 years ago. We purposely did not want a big wedding. It was not a secret, everyone knew we were going off alone, and some were upset, and some were happy (like my parents for not having to pay for anything!). There are times, particularly when I go to the weddings of my friends or when I see amazing weddings on this site, that I wonder if I did the right thing, and sometimes I think that down the road, maybe at our 10 year, I might have a vow renewal, but then I realize that for ME, it's just not important, and in the long run, I really have no regrets about not having the big wedding.

Socially, I do feel that people don't look at vow renewals in the same light that they do weddings. When I think of a vow renewal, I think of a family and friends affair on a more intimate scale.

In your original post, you mentioned that your husband was really excited to do the renewal. How does he feel now that you're considering other options? I personally love the idea of getting yourself the nice ring that you always wanted, or going on a great trip, or both. My only frame of reference is my own marriage, but I know for me, I wouldn't view a vow renewal in the same way I would view my wedding. It would be a fun "party", and would be a nice symbol that I was still invested in my marriage, but once I was married, I was married, and the other things like a big ceremony aren't very important to me. I'd much rather have the money, or a trip, or some bling ;)

But that is ME and what I would do... if YOU have been longing to have the wedding you never had for 18 years and think that having it would fill a void and bring you happiness, then do it and don't pay attention to what others say. Your family and close friends that matter most will surely attend. Just think on it. If you were still planning to wait until 2014, you do have plenty of time to think, even if you feel like you don't :)
 
Hi sonnyjane!

Thank you, I agree with you on the bling :D My husband was excited because he thought that I wanted a big wedding and just wanted to make me happy. My family (the gals) seem to be more excited at the thought of a bachelorette party than the actual wedding. When I really think about it..... I really want to renew our vows but it doesn't have to be a huge wedding. I guess I really want something special to reflect on and smile about. At the courthouse, I had on a dark green maternity outfit with trousers and it was nothing pretty about it. So I'm thinking that an intimate getaway is a great idea, as long as it includes the renewing of our vows and its special and memorable for me. My husband would love to get away... Just the two of us. I also love the idea of spending the extra money on some new bling instead of a big wedding ;)

BTW, I think eloping is an awesome idea. You still have your day but your not on display. Which is the one thing I dread about a big wedding. My husband thinks that we shouldn't tell anyone that we are renewing our vows when we go on vacation. Mainly because he thinks it will upset some people who may have wanted to come. I think this may be the best idea for us. I am still going to wait until 2014 though. That will give me more time to plan it all and hopefully my little boy will be verbal by then or at the least using a communication device well enough to express his needs. He is 4 and I hate the thought of leaving him that long with someone that doesn't understand his non verbal cues.

So I have a few questions. Did you dress up for wedding or elopement? Did you have to get a license in that state? I know i don't need one but I'm just curious. How did you locate the person who preformed the ceremony? Did they have photographers available there?
 
CharmedOne|1348292105|3272694 said:
So I have a few questions. Did you dress up for wedding or elopement? Did you have to get a license in that state? I know i don't need one but I'm just curious. How did you locate the person who preformed the ceremony? Did they have photographers available there?
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Good questions :) We eloped to Maui and then stayed for a week, so it was both our wedding and honeymoon. We did get a license in Hawaii, but as you said, since you two are already married, you won't have to do anything, the ceremony is symbolic but nothing new is happening legally. I literally just Googled "Maui beach weddings" and found a package that included the officiant, the photographer, and a bouquet for me. Since ours was a very basic package, I believe it was $1,500 which included 250 images from our photographer on a CD. I did wear a regular wedding dress (not a huge ball gown but one appropriate for a beach wedding) and I let DH wear what he wanted, which was khakis and a white button-up.

You mentioned some people possibly being upset that they weren't invited.... this was the stress for us when we were originally planning what to do... we thought about whether we should invite immediate family only, but then my best friend was devastated...yadda yadda.... we just decided that the only way to make sure nobody felt left out was to make EVERYBODY feel left out lol. I honestly think my friend was more upset that she wouldn't get to dress up as a bridesmaid than she was about not seeing us get married, and she got over it quickly. After we got back, we put together an announcement card with a collage of our wedding pictures and sent them out to friends and family announcing that we were now married, so that was nice for the people that weren't there.

As I said, while I sometimes wonder if I would have enjoyed having a big reception more than having a dinner for 2 or if I would have wanted a giant poofy dress instead of a sleek beach one, every time I see the stress and expense one of my friends goes through planning a wedding, I am immediately reminded why we made the right choice in eloping.

Here are some pictures to inspire you ;)

EJGEHGWed2.jpgEJGEHGWed.jpg
 
Sonnyjane, that is exactly what I want. I love the dress too. I definitely want a really pretty dress with a little Grecian flair. Im sure my DH will wear the same thing your DH wore. You guys look so happy together. I love the photos. I totally agree with the whole stress with planning a big wedding. I think that's why I have been putting it off. My DH is all over this idea now. I really appreciate all your input. You have helped me tremendously. Now I just have to decide where we should go ;)
 
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