Question for Married PS''ers.

[HollyS]

DH and I knew each other a long time, but did not live together. So initially we had to combine our houselholds into one; which was much harder for DH. I had the majority of furniture and household goods, so he felt for awhile that he was a guest rather than a husband! He''s gotten over it, mostly because I always refer to everything as ''ours'' regardless of how long I owned it before marriage.

We talk about this all the time: we feel happy. I mean deeply happy. I don''t mean honeymoony. We''ve come home to each other. It''s cliche; it''s religious imagery; but we find it''s true: we are one. We think as one. We breathe as one. And oddly enough, we don''t feel like we ''gave up'' ourselves; we didn''t lose our individuality.

We aren''t at our 1 yr mark yet, so we have some growth/change that will take place. But we''ve been together 14 years, and know each other pretty thoroughly. We''ve been through major career changes, the death of a parent each, and some scary health stuff. I don''t think there''s much on the horizon that would throw us for a loop. And unlike T-Gal, kids won''t have the opportunity to change things for us!

We have become family. I really think that''s it; we are each other''s family now.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/18/2008 7:36:25 PM
Author: HollyS
DH and I knew each other a long time, but did not live together. So initially we had to combine our houselholds into one; which was much harder for DH. I had the majority of furniture and household goods, so he felt for awhile that he was a guest rather than a husband! He''s gotten over it, mostly because I always refer to everything as ''ours'' regardless of how long I owned it before marriage.

We talk about this all the time: we feel happy. I mean deeply happy. I don''t mean honeymoony. We''ve come home to each other. It''s cliche; it''s religious imagery; but we find it''s true: we are one. We think as one. We breathe as one. And oddly enough, we don''t feel like we ''gave up'' ourselves; we didn''t lose our individuality.

We aren''t at our 1 yr mark yet, so we have some growth/change that will take place. But we''ve been together 14 years, and know each other pretty thoroughly. We''ve been through major career changes, the death of a parent each, and some scary health stuff. I don''t think there''s much on the horizon that would throw us for a loop. And unlike T-Gal, kids won''t have the opportunity to change things for us!

We have become family. I really think that''s it; we are each other''s family now.

I think that is a good point. Don''t need kids to be a family.

And hmph. Rub it in why doncha.

(May your nookie-well not dry up like a new parent''s well!)

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 7/18/2008 8:07:12 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/18/2008 7:36:25 PM
Author: HollyS
DH and I knew each other a long time, but did not live together. So initially we had to combine our houselholds into one; which was much harder for DH. I had the majority of furniture and household goods, so he felt for awhile that he was a guest rather than a husband! He''s gotten over it, mostly because I always refer to everything as ''ours'' regardless of how long I owned it before marriage.

We talk about this all the time: we feel happy. I mean deeply happy. I don''t mean honeymoony. We''ve come home to each other. It''s cliche; it''s religious imagery; but we find it''s true: we are one. We think as one. We breathe as one. And oddly enough, we don''t feel like we ''gave up'' ourselves; we didn''t lose our individuality.

We aren''t at our 1 yr mark yet, so we have some growth/change that will take place. But we''ve been together 14 years, and know each other pretty thoroughly. We''ve been through major career changes, the death of a parent each, and some scary health stuff. I don''t think there''s much on the horizon that would throw us for a loop. And unlike T-Gal, kids won''t have the opportunity to change things for us!

We have become family. I really think that''s it; we are each other''s family now.

I think that is a good point. Don''t need kids to be a family.

And hmph. Rub it in why doncha.

(May your nookie-well not dry up like a new parent''s well!)

AGH!

That''s terrible! Now I''m even more terrified of having kids!

 

[LostSapphire]

We lived together for 5 years before the wedding.

I had a lot of healthproblems, including spending part of my 20s in a wheelchair, so I needed some help caring for myself. When I was kind of mobile again, sweet DH asked me to marry him.

I was terrified because I was afraid I'd be getting married because I needed a "nurse". (He cared for me including bathing, helping in and out of bed, changing my clothes for me, and even more personal things than that.)

(it's all worked out but things were really rough for a while).

The difference between not married and married: when things get bad, you have to stick around to deal with them. No running away. No "out". Just suck it up and deal.

Best thing I ever did...and it's 22 years later.

And like Holly said (THANK YOU Holly for this, it nails the feeling for me): "we are one. We think as one. We breathe as one. And oddly enough, we don't feel like we 'gave up' ourselves; we didn't lose our individuality."

I love him.

LS

ETA: 10 years ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumor (yeah, lotsa stuff in MY medical file!).

He stuck around. Cared for me AGAIN. Listened to me whine. And he stuck around to deal with it. So did I.

That all worked out too. But boy, when it's scary, you really need someone else there!

oh yeah, did I say I loved him?

 

[rockzilla]

I''m not married, but a wise friend, who was living with his GF at the time, once advised me against living together before marriage.

While I don''t agree with his conclusion, I think there is some logic to his argument that may apply to your question.

He stated that, when you live together before marriage, when (living-together-related) roadblocks come up, they lead you to question a relationship. You have to ask yourself: "Is this just a bump in the road that comes from living together? Is this a big enough deal for us to end this relationship/move out? Does this mean we''re not compatible?" etc.

Whereas, once you are married, the hurdle is MUCH higher. You are committed (well, most people are) to doing everything you possibly can to make it work. So, you are more likely to try to work out your differences with the person than to bail. You also are (hopefully) not constantly questioning and/or evaluating the state of the relationship. This gives you a greater sense of security.

Does that make sense? Obviously will be different depending on your relationship.

RZ

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/18/2008 8:47:13 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady

Date: 7/18/2008 8:07:12 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/18/2008 7:36:25 PM
Author: HollyS
DH and I knew each other a long time, but did not live together. So initially we had to combine our houselholds into one; which was much harder for DH. I had the majority of furniture and household goods, so he felt for awhile that he was a guest rather than a husband! He''s gotten over it, mostly because I always refer to everything as ''ours'' regardless of how long I owned it before marriage.

We talk about this all the time: we feel happy. I mean deeply happy. I don''t mean honeymoony. We''ve come home to each other. It''s cliche; it''s religious imagery; but we find it''s true: we are one. We think as one. We breathe as one. And oddly enough, we don''t feel like we ''gave up'' ourselves; we didn''t lose our individuality.

We aren''t at our 1 yr mark yet, so we have some growth/change that will take place. But we''ve been together 14 years, and know each other pretty thoroughly. We''ve been through major career changes, the death of a parent each, and some scary health stuff. I don''t think there''s much on the horizon that would throw us for a loop. And unlike T-Gal, kids won''t have the opportunity to change things for us!

We have become family. I really think that''s it; we are each other''s family now.

I think that is a good point. Don''t need kids to be a family.

And hmph. Rub it in why doncha.

(May your nookie-well not dry up like a new parent''s well!)

AGH!

That''s terrible! Now I''m even more terrified of having kids!

I''s never said it was purty on the other side.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 7/18/2008 9:04:26 PM
Author: rockzilla
I''m not married, but a wise friend, who was living with his GF at the time, once advised me against living together before marriage.

While I don''t agree with his conclusion, I think there is some logic to his argument that may apply to your question.

He stated that, when you live together before marriage, when (living-together-related) roadblocks come up, they lead you to question a relationship. You have to ask yourself: ''Is this just a bump in the road that comes from living together? Is this a big enough deal for us to end this relationship/move out? Does this mean we''re not compatible?'' etc.

Whereas, once you are married, the hurdle is MUCH higher. You are committed (well, most people are) to doing everything you possibly can to make it work. So, you are more likely to try to work out your differences with the person than to bail. You also are (hopefully) not constantly questioning and/or evaluating the state of the relationship. This gives you a greater sense of security.

Does that make sense? Obviously will be different depending on your relationship.

RZ

This makes perfect sense to me. This is why I think living together is a good short-term solution for couples who are on the same page, have an engagement timeline in place (within a year) and go into the cohabitation with the "marriage" mentality.

We lived together for too long. And we started living together when we were young and very much focused on our individual goals. We weren''t ready to be married, but felt we were ready to cohabitate. We made sure to keep everything equal and our accounts separate. We didn''t even open a joint account until we''d lived togeher for 5 years. Because we stayed in "living together" mode for so long, when we got married we didn''t want to change anything.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/18/2008 10:04:13 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady

Date: 7/18/2008 9:04:26 PM
Author: rockzilla
I''m not married, but a wise friend, who was living with his GF at the time, once advised me against living together before marriage.

While I don''t agree with his conclusion, I think there is some logic to his argument that may apply to your question.

He stated that, when you live together before marriage, when (living-together-related) roadblocks come up, they lead you to question a relationship. You have to ask yourself: ''Is this just a bump in the road that comes from living together? Is this a big enough deal for us to end this relationship/move out? Does this mean we''re not compatible?'' etc.

Whereas, once you are married, the hurdle is MUCH higher. You are committed (well, most people are) to doing everything you possibly can to make it work. So, you are more likely to try to work out your differences with the person than to bail. You also are (hopefully) not constantly questioning and/or evaluating the state of the relationship. This gives you a greater sense of security.

Does that make sense? Obviously will be different depending on your relationship.

RZ

This makes perfect sense to me. This is why I think living together is a good short-term solution for couples who are on the same page, have an engagement timeline in place (within a year) and go into the cohabitation with the ''marriage'' mentality.

We lived together for too long. And we started living together when we were young and very much focused on our individual goals. We weren''t ready to be married, but felt we were ready to cohabitate. We made sure to keep everything equal and our accounts separate. We didn''t even open a joint account until we''d lived togeher for 5 years. Because we stayed in ''living together'' mode for so long, when we got married we didn''t want to change anything.

Makes sense to me too. Which is why I actually don''t always recommend a couple should live together. The first year that TGuy and I lived together, there were definitely bumps. There were times I felt like kicking him to the curb but unfortunately I would have had to kick him back across the ocean (a lot harder to do). Because of everything we went through to be together, we worked harder, and I didn''t go screaming for the hills.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:20:31 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
It sounds like when you moved in together you started thinking like a ''married'' couple--specifically by combining finances, which I do think makes the transition easier.

So on a daily basis I doubt much will change, but the emtional changes? That just depends on you.

I lived with D for seven years before we were married and the transition to being married has been a lot more difficult for me emotionally than I imagined it would. On a daily basis, nothing is really different. For me emotionally, though? It''s tough. I don''t like being called a ''wife'', I am not used to my name, I find myself taking a step back from cooking and cleaning for fear that it is my expected ''role'', I fiercely defend the ''I will always pay half of everything'' mentality (though D decided to quit his job, so I''m actually happy about being the ''provider''). I find myself being terrified of buying a house or thinking about kids for fear I will be stuck. I''ve taken on a lot of new hobbies without D (which I''m enjoying).

On the positive side, I do feel a commitment that is deeper, I feel like we can finally plan for our future (house, kids, retirement) without any roadblocks and in some ways I feel it is liberating to know that somebody will support you no matter what.

I feel that many women embrace the things that I struggle with, which is why I think that the transition is different for everybody. But there is always a transition, even when you''ve been living together as a married couple. It might be more subtle, but it''s there.

We think so much alike is not even funny.

Household chores have been a challenge for us from day one - I know that I do LESS than I actually want to because I am afraid that then it will be my responsibility all the time. Same with cooking. When he asks "what are we doing for dinner?" an alarm goes off in my mind immediately "I don''t know, why are you asking me?" We''ve been together for years now, and he does not at all expect me to cook all the time or to clean the house by myself - he does help, so it''s not like he expects that from me. Yet can I say he helps a full 50%? Not really - although he thinks he does. That''s another reason I''m afraid to have kids - DH sometimes jokes that I''ll be "I don''t know, why are you asking me if the baby ate?" hahhah On some level, I suspect he''s right though...that fear that the responsibility of taking care of the baby will fall on me most of the time scares me...

I''ve often wondered where this comes from for me...I grew up with my mom taking total care of everything and everyone in the house. To this day, at 70 years old, when you go over her house for dinner, she doesn''t sit, for a second. Always taking care of people.

This struggle hasn''t changed now that we''re married. Although I do go through stages where I let go a little and do more and it''s liberating not to be measuring it against what he''s doing. I notice that sometimes when I do that he does more as well. Knowing that you''d think I''d try it more...but I always end up kind of back at square one for some reason.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Claudinam,

You brought up some really good points, especially around the "having kids" issue. Before D quit his job and took on the burden of the majority of the chores, I had this fear that I would be trying to work full-time, still be doing most of the chores and be up all by myself every night at 2 a.m. breasfeeding the baby. I guess my fear was that D wouldn''t know HOW to help me. Or that he''ll feed the child donuts and consider it a "meal".

It''s funny how the chore issues always creeps up, huh? No matter how long you live together, it''s always something to be re-negotiated.

A friend of mine said that she felt more resentful of picking up after her husband after being married than she ever did when living together (they lived together for 9 years before getting married last year). I could relate--things I never used to think twice are suddenly a scary "role" now.

I can also really relate to you when it comes to giving up control. When he does the chores, I have to recognize that they won''t be done when and how I do them, which for some reason is hard for me? Saying "oh who cares" is harder than saying "I''ll do it myself".

I think we''ll both figure it out, Claudinam!

And to justify my threadjack, I''m going to turn this post about myself into a general comment about marriage: EVERYTHING that was an issue before you got married, will be a BIGGER issue after you get married. And everything you absolutely LOVE about him? Well, you''ll still love those things

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:01:21 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Claudinam,

You brought up some really good points, especially around the ''having kids'' issue. Before D quit his job and took on the burden of the majority of the chores, I had this fear that I would be trying to work full-time, still be doing most of the chores and be up all by myself every night at 2 a.m. breasfeeding the baby. I guess my fear was that D wouldn''t know HOW to help me. Or that he''ll feed the child donuts and consider it a ''meal''.

I just think that they don''t even realize how much we DO - what it TAKES to keep the house a certain way, day after day. They clean out the garage every 3 months. Plus all the projects that we''re constantly in charge of managing that they don''t even realize.

It''s funny how the chore issues always creeps up, huh? No matter how long you live together, it''s always something to be re-negotiated.

A friend of mine said that she felt more resentful of picking up after her husband after being married than she ever did when living together (they lived together for 9 years before getting married last year). I could relate--things I never used to think twice are suddenly a scary ''role'' now.

DH is pretty neat - and he knows I wouldn''t pick up after him anyway. I''ll pick up his stuff ONCE in a while, but few and far in between. And he irons his own clothes and stuff like that. My mom gets horrified sometimes when she comes over and sees him putting his lunch together and then ironing his own clothes. haah

I can also really relate to you when it comes to giving up control. When he does the chores, I have to recognize that they won''t be done when and how I do them, which for some reason is hard for me? Saying ''oh who cares'' is harder than saying ''I''ll do it myself''.

You know what I''ve been doing lately? I''m actually ASKING him, on his days off, to vacuum. It''s supposed to be HIS chore, but he is so NOT structured, he does it when he remembers/thinks about (aka never). It''s just not on his radar screen. But washing his car? ALWAYS on his radar screen. So last week I asked him nicely and he did it. So I''ll give that a try more often so I don''t resent he''s not vacuuming on his own.

I think we''ll both figure it out, Claudinam!

And to justify my threadjack, I''m going to turn this post about myself into a general comment about marriage: EVERYTHING that was an issue before you got married, will be a BIGGER issue after you get married. And everything you absolutely LOVE about him? Well, you''ll still love those things

HAHAHAHA Do you notice that is exactly what I had done too?

 

[zhuzhu]

I really feel not much of a difference at all. I did not change my name, and I never was big in cooking so he knows not to expect me to cook much after the wedding .

We moved into a bigger house, but all the furnitures are the same, daily routines are the same. However we DO feel closer as we tend to have a bit more small disagreement from unexpected daily tasks, as a result we learn more about each other and build a stronger bond this way!

I guess one difference I feel is from having the wedding band on. I actually prefer the look of wearing my e-ring alone.

The only other change is that before the wedding, his phone conversation with his family was his alone, now I am being asked to be on the phone together to chat with his family too. It is actually nice for me as I really want to become close to his family, who all live across the country from us (in MA).

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:07:55 AM
Author:elledizzy5
I am wondering what exactly ''changes'' when you''re married. I''ve heard so many people say that things change so drastically once you''re officially married. To those who have never been married, it simply doesn''t make sense. I mean, I have lived with my BF for over a year, we combine finances, we do everything married people do, but we''re not officially married yet. So how could it be that much different? I realize I''m not married and don''t understand, and I''m looking for some insight.

I guess I''m wondering what I''m in for once we''re married. Why does officially being married affect your relationship so much? Does it feel different? What emotions did you go through? How did you handle it? Does it make things harder?

Hoping someone with experience could tell me a bit about it.

now she can officially take him to the cleaners.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:11:52 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Marriage didn''t change our lives.


A kid did.

Hahah That''s so true it hurts...marriage made me feel warm and ...safe...We got engaged early in our life together (we knew each other as friends earlier in our lives)
I mean, it could be the guy - he''s very steady - but the lifestyle / relationship definitely feels ... slower, less showy, more ... genuine, without all the display.
Being married is not flashy! I like it a lot. It''s deep! lol

Having a kid, on the other hand, is just boot camp. With little life-affirming grins and cuddles along the way! Oh, and it''s also deep.

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 7/19/2008 6:13:16 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 7/18/2008 11:07:55 AM

Author:elledizzy5

I am wondering what exactly ''changes'' when you''re married. I''ve heard so many people say that things change so drastically once you''re officially married. To those who have never been married, it simply doesn''t make sense. I mean, I have lived with my BF for over a year, we combine finances, we do everything married people do, but we''re not officially married yet. So how could it be that much different? I realize I''m not married and don''t understand, and I''m looking for some insight.


I guess I''m wondering what I''m in for once we''re married. Why does officially being married affect your relationship so much? Does it feel different? What emotions did you go through? How did you handle it? Does it make things harder?


Hoping someone with experience could tell me a bit about it.

now she can officially take him to the cleaners.

Or he could take HER to the cleaners. It is 2008 and lots of women are the breadwinners in the family!

 

[D2B]

ditto to TravelingGal

"Marriage didnt change our lives. A Kid did


yëp, definately for us.

I also think if you look for marriage to magically change something or solidify or improve things, then you are in trouble. The good will still be good and the bad will still be bad iykwim.
Of course if you have never lived together, there will be some adjustment

d2b

 

[phoenixgirl]

Well, I''m sitting here reading this thread with DH stretching my toes like he often does (weird, I know, but it feels good to me), and he spontaneously said, "I love you. I love being married to you." Aw!

We didn''t live together before we got married. I agree that it''s figuring out the chores and finances which is hard. I felt like it wasn''t equal when we lived in our condo. I did the cleaning, laundry, most of the infrequent cooking we did do, all the bills, etc. There wasn''t much that DH did, and I definitely resented that, although there wasn''t much other than cooking that I wanted him to do. I also felt like getting married should have made things easier for us financially, but it seemed like DH got all the benefits and I just had much less spending money than before, so we had to work that out too.

But now that we have a house and a cleaning service, I think DH does more than I do. He does all the gardening and house maintenance. I still do most of the infrequent cooking (working on that -- on cooking more myself, I mean). I passed the bills along to DH a few months ago, but that''s not his strong suit, and I really can''t leave that to him without nagging and checking everything he does, so I''m back to doing that myself. I could resent the bill thing, but I''m the "J," he''s the "P." I know he''s not into dates and figures and organization; that''s why we''re a good pair.

I didn''t love changing my name, but I''ve gotten used to it. It helps being a teacher and being called by your last name a thousand times a day.

For us, the second year of marriage was the hardest. It began with me kind of freaking out on our one year anniversary. I saw my life passing before my eye, like a grandfather clock was spinning and the words "2 years, 3 years, 4 years" were appearing on the screen. That year is when the tight space in our condo started to get to us (right around our 2nd anniversary we bought our house).

I''ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Not that sucking at paying bills is small, but I need to see the situation for what it is. When I ask for a cleaning service or for DH to take over a duty, he''s willing, just maybe not well suited to the task. No one is perfect, but he''s a good person, he''s well-intentioned, he wants me to be happy. The same with our spending money. I finally just stopped taking mine and using joint money, since I spend less than the monthly stipend would be and we''d be lacking money for other things. But DH needs a set amount each month to keep his spending in check, so he has it in his own account. We''ve got a system that works for us, and I really do think of it is as "our money" now, whereas at first I didn''t and was resentful that we spent more of "my" money on "his" stuff. If he''s happy, I''m happy, and vice versa.

And I echo the sentiments of home and family wrapped up in your marriage.

 

[LuckyTexan]

It depends on the man!

I''m on husband #3

My first husband, was a sweet, tender, thoughtful, wonderful, sensitive, affectionate, attentive, and attractive man.
One year after our wedding he was a fat, whiney, cheating, JERK. We did NOT live together before, and I will readily admit, I did not know him well enough, and we were too young at 23, and 24.

Retard #2 was an associate pastor, and loved by everyone in our community. He was generous, kind, funny, and sweet.
3 months after our wedding he started drinking, smoking pot, and hitting me... not to mention how HORRIBLY selfish he was in EVERY aspect of our relationship. I did not live with him before we were married. We took vows in our church having never slept in the same bed...

I''ve been married to my current husband for 3 years... will be 4 in October.
Since we''ve been married, he has grown into a better man, who is less selfish, more attentive, and actually has become MORE attractive! LOL! I honestly had given up on finding a good man. Until I met him, I thought my DAD was the last one!!! We lived together before we were married. When we got married, really the only thing that changed was my last name and tax filing status... because like you, we were already sharing finances, homes, bills, etc.

So to answer your question.

If you have a good man to begin with... the story will only continue to get sweeter, and better... you got a jerk? He will finally let it all hang out now that he''s GOT YOU!!!

So make sure you''ve got a good man... and you''ll be set!

There''s more than one school of thought in regards to living together before marriage. I have first hand experience that has shown me that NOT living together can be a BIGGER mistake.

I wish you the best, and many happy years together!

 

[Independent Gal]

I haven''t read all the responses yet, so I don''t know if anyone feels the same as me, but I definitely felt VERY different once we were married, even though we''d been living together since we got engaged with the same financial arrangement that we have now.

What changed? Well, after a week or two, it really sunk in that from now on, whatever happens to DH happens to me and whatever happens to me happens to him. It''s not just something I have to support him through, it''s happening to me too, if you see what I mean. The enormity of how completely interconnected my life had become with his felt extremely powerful to me, in both a wonderful and a scary way. Did our day to day life change? No. But did the feeling we had about each other and what it meant to be together change? Yes, 100%. It feels very, very different. Completely different.

This man now gets to decide whether the plug gets pulled. My children are his children too. Every decision I make, everything that happens, he is a part of in the most profound imaginable way.

It just wasn''t the same just living together.

Hope that helps.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 7/19/2008 10:43:06 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I haven''t read all the responses yet, so I don''t know if anyone feels the same as me, but I definitely felt VERY different once we were married, even though we''d been living together since we got engaged with the same financial arrangement that we have now.

What changed? Well, after a week or two, it really sunk in that from now on, whatever happens to DH happens to me and whatever happens to me happens to him. It''s not just something I have to support him through, it''s happening to me too, if you see what I mean. The enormity of how completely interconnected my life had become with his felt extremely powerful to me, in both a wonderful and a scary way. Did our day to day life change? No. But did the feeling we had about each other and what it meant to be together change? Yes, 100%. It feels very, very different. Completely different.

This man now gets to decide whether the plug gets pulled. My children are his children too. Every decision I make, everything that happens, he is a part of in the most profound imaginable way.

It just wasn''t the same just living together.

Hope that helps.

Wow...I never of it that way...

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 7/18/2008 12:00:20 PM
Author: littlelysser
I like that we are more of a family now, rather than a couple.

Yes, that sums it up pretty well. Instead of a 'partner' or an SO the two of us are a family with a shared future, and that feels different. It's still a little scary, but mostly I love it and so does he.

 

[LuckyTexan]

Ok, I posted after just reading the starter... so I wanted to add...

We have had 2 children since we got married... They are 17 months apart, and I''ve been pregnant or breastfeeding now for like... 3 and a half years? haha!

Having children changed our relationship a LOT. But it was a good change. It has made us have love for each other in a whole new way. It has taken our relationship into something that I can''t even describe. I really can''t!

He''s made me the mother of the most precious little boys I''ve ever known, and I gave him his two gorgeous, loving sons!

Some of the stuff that''s gone down, because of my hormones, and his weak stomach.... hahahahaha.... we both just laugh now!

So again, my point will stand where I stand... Got a good man before LIFE happens? He will only get better with the journey!

 

[Haven]

Independent Gal:

"What changed? Well, after a week or two, it really sunk in that from now on, whatever happens to DH happens to me and whatever happens to me happens to him. It''s not just something I have to support him through, it''s happening to me too, if you see what I mean. The enormity of how completely interconnected my life had become with his felt extremely powerful to me, in both a wonderful and a scary way. Did our day to day life change? No. But did the feeling we had about each other and what it meant to be together change? Yes, 100%. It feels very, very different. Completely different.


This man now gets to decide whether the plug gets pulled. My children are his children too. Every decision I make, everything that happens, he is a part of in the most profound imaginable way."

I''ve only been married for a couple of weeks, but I understand exactly what you''re saying, Indy. We dated for four years before we married, and we lived together for only about two weeks before the wedding so we weren''t exactly living together for very long. But we were together for a long-ish time, and I didn''t expect to feel so different, but I do.

In a Jewish ceremony the man breaks a glass at the very end, the meaning of which has many different interpretations. My favorite interpretation is the one we included in our programs, and it happens to represent exactly how I now feel, which is transformed:
"A broken glass cannot be mended. Likewise, marriage is irrevocable. It is a transforming experience that leaves individuals forever changed. While there are many other interpretations of this practice, it signals an end to the ceremony with shouts of “Mazel Tov!” (Congratulations!) Let the party begin!"

I also felt like he was my family for a long time before we married, but now the feeling is far greater. And I don''t think it''s because we have a certificate that states that we''re married, I think it has more to do with the fact that we chose to declare our commitment to each other in front of all of our friends and family, and to celebrate it publicly made it so deeply moving for me.

 

[diamondfan]

I think it beomes a mindset shift which can be subtle or dramatic depending on the couple. Of course a couple can cohabitate, mingle all of their money, share all chores and duties and plan to be together forever. I do think going through the formal act of marriage, whether in a judge''s office or with a large wedding, does takes things to a new level. That is not to say a couple can''t live a very happy, wonderful fulfilled existence without marriage, but I lived with my now hubby (for a few months while engaged and planning the wedding) and it DID feel different afterwards. I knew that intellectually but had to go through the ritual to get it personally. To me it is a bit like having kids. I think most women know they will love their child but until you hold your baby for the first time it might not make sense. Of course there are couples or new moms for which this is not the case but that seems the exception rather than the rule.

 

[diamondfan]

I think it beomes a mindset shift which can be subtle or dramatic depending on the couple. Of course a couple can cohabitate, mingle all of their money, share all chores and duties and plan to be together forever. I do think going through the formal act of marriage, whether in a judge''s office or with a large wedding, does takes things to a new level. That is not to say a couple can''t live a very happy, wonderful fulfilled existence without marriage, but I lived with my now hubby (for a few months while engaged and planning the wedding) and it DID feel different afterwards. I knew that intellectually but had to go through the ritual to get it personally. To me it is a bit like having kids. I think most women know they will love their child but until you hold your baby for the first time it might not make sense. Of course there are couples or new moms for which this is not the case but that seems the exception rather than the rule.

 

[icekid]

My husband and I have lived together essentially our entire relationship, so our day-to-day lives together really did not change logistically. No big adjustments at all. Just the feeling that we are a TEAM, a family- the things we do are for us, not just for me. It truly is different.

 

[deegee]

Date: 7/18/2008 7:36:25 PM
Author: HollyS
DH and I knew each other a long time, but did not live together. So initially we had to combine our houselholds into one; which was much harder for DH. I had the majority of furniture and household goods, so he felt for awhile that he was a guest rather than a husband! He''s gotten over it, mostly because I always refer to everything as ''ours'' regardless of how long I owned it before marriage.

We talk about this all the time: we feel happy. I mean deeply happy. I don''t mean honeymoony. We''ve come home to each other. It''s cliche; it''s religious imagery; but we find it''s true: we are one. We think as one. We breathe as one. And oddly enough, we don''t feel like we ''gave up'' ourselves; we didn''t lose our individuality.

We aren''t at our 1 yr mark yet, so we have some growth/change that will take place. But we''ve been together 14 years, and know each other pretty thoroughly. We''ve been through major career changes, the death of a parent each, and some scary health stuff. I don''t think there''s much on the horizon that would throw us for a loop. And unlike T-Gal, kids won''t have the opportunity to change things for us!

We have become family. I really think that''s it; we are each other''s family now.

Exactly how I feel, right down to the kid thing!

My husband and I have known each other for 18 years, been together for 15 years, married for 13+ and have no kids. We had bought a house together before we got married but I didn''t move in until after the wedding, so everything changed for us. We had a little adjusting to do that first year, but we have totally become one. I never understood what that meant, and always thought it sounded silly. But wow! It''s so true, and I love the way HollyS described it.

 

[Elegant]

Date: 7/19/2008 10:48:51 AM
Author: LuckyTexan


Some of the stuff that''s gone down, because of my hormones, and his weak stomach.... hahahahaha.... we both just laugh now!

So again, my point will stand where I stand... Got a good man before LIFE happens? He will only get better with the journey!

Okay, now I''m just intrigued...I''m not married and I haven''t had kids yet...is this a whole other post?