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Question for you younger girls

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tradergirl

tradergirl

Brilliant_Rock
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I''m in my mid 40s and have been married 20 years so I am way out of touch with how things are now.

I have a very good male friend who is now 47 and has never been married. He''s pretty good looking and talks a good game, comes off as quite masculine and in control but really is not financially stable. We have been friends a long time and that''s all we are. I try to help when he gets involved with women and has problems.

Lately, he''s been pursuing a 29 year old woman and she is not reciprocating. She kind of flirts with him a bit but makes excuses not to get together. He comes on way too strong with her. It''s embarrassing. I understand that a 47 year old guy who''s a movie star or hot looking millionarie is going to have a shot with a woman that young but not this guy. It really annoys me because he wants to talk about this and all I want to say to him is "grow up and live in the real world . Women in their 20s are not interested in you. Even early 30s probably."

So, you younger women here, would you date a guy 18-19 years older than you who didn''t have a lot of money to spend? I would not think that someone like this is husband material.
 
I wouldn't and I'm 25. That's just me personally and not because he didn't have a lot of money to spend. I've just never been attracted to men much older than me. I do know plenty to women my age, (ie. my sister), who has dated much older men and has no problem. I think it's different for everyone.
 
No. But not because of the money issue. I'd be more worried about whether he could keep up with me and wanted to have a family. He'd be like in his 70s by the time the kid finishes highschool (this is assuming we dated for 3 years then got married in a year and had a baby right away). That is not somethign I want to do. I'm going to enjoy being married for a while and having fun with my partner.

Oh and for the record my SO and I are 10 years apart, and there have been no problems there
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18-19 is just wayyyyyy to big of an age difference. I mean it sounds worse when you say you are 43 and your hubby is 62!!
 
For me, I wouldn''t completely rule it out in theory, but I just imagine there would be a lot of differences in how we perceive gender roles, whose career and lifestyle is important, etc. I couldn''t deal with any sort of condescension or assumptions about who should make decisions because they know better and have lived longer.

Children is another issue. Would they be able to deal with the sleepless nights? With all the parental responsibilities that occur until the children are at least 23? When do they want to retire?
 
He''s probably not looking for the kind of girls he has a shot with. If he was with a woman with similar goals and not intimidated by an age difference, then it would be okay. However, to just randomly hit on hot young things that he doesn''t know much about probably comes across as a little creepy.
 
OK, I''ll give you the 35 year old view.

I *might* rule him out because of his age.

I *would* rule him out because of his financial status.

I have worked hard to get where I am. I do not need someone who is only 15-20 years away from retirement in a situation where he can''t get his act together. I''ve been saving for retirement since I was 25. If he hasn''t been doing the same, I''d have to question his judgment and priorities in relation to mine.

And I am jaded. A lot of young women in Hollywood marry in the hopes of divorcing and hitting jackpot. Or hope their older husbands will die soon. I want someone who has a chance of getting old along with me, if we are both blessed in that way. Not to mention I like coming from the same generation!
 
I personally would not date an older guy - however I do know people who have. A girl i knew is married to a guy in his late 50''s and had triplets with him when she was 24.
I really can''t get my head round that age gap but last I heard they were blissfully happy and i guess that is all that matters.
 
We all know that human beings mature at very different speeds and that is why he finds that he has no problem in connecting emotionally with someone who is 15-20 years younger than him because she is at the same maturity level.

Is this possible?
 
I would definitely not date a guy that is financially unstable. Not that I want him to spend money on me, I have my own money and my own career, but someone who cannot handle their money, especially in their late fourties would worry me. The age thing wouldn''t put me off a huge amount (I''m 26).
 
No way, and its not really about the money.

My aunt is married to a guy that''s about 30(!) years older than her. She''s in her mid 50''s now and my uncle is in his early to mid 80''s (I never wanted to ask his exact age). They''ve been married for 20-something years (I''m guessing 27ish).

Anyhoo, my uncle was pretty well off, but these days they are so so because neither of them work. He has Alzheimer''s and requires care 24/7. However, He''s had medical problems for some time now so caregiving is not a new development. They have 12 year old twins and a 26 yr old daughter. It has been SO hard on my aunt. I feel really bad for her because she''s still relatively young and is going through such a struggle. They are not equal partners at this point. She is his caretaker. Additionally, my uncle can''t really contribute to parenting the twins.

I can deal with an age gap, but not more than 5 years maybe. I would want to grow old with my partner at about the same rate. I think both our lives would be more enjoyable that way.
 
I wouldn''t, but not because of the money. I would feel very uncomfortable dating someone the same age as my dad! I would also be upset knowing that my parents wouldn''t be happy with the situation. Also as someone else pointed out, what about children? I don''t want to have a baby with someone who may not be around to see them grow up.
 
Thanks for all your answers. That''s pretty much what I thought. When I was 29, I thought 35 was old. 47, yeeech, that would be like dating your father.

OTOH, some of the guys I see my nieces dating (early 20s) are pretty scary too. Are they ever going to grow up?
 
Date: 2/11/2008 2:52:47 PM
Author:tradergirl
I''m in my mid 40s and have been married 20 years so I am way out of touch with how things are now.

I have a very good male friend who is now 47 and has never been married. He''s pretty good looking and talks a good game, comes off as quite masculine and in control but really is not financially stable. We have been friends a long time and that''s all we are. I try to help when he gets involved with women and has problems.

Lately, he''s been pursuing a 29 year old woman and she is not reciprocating. She kind of flirts with him a bit but makes excuses not to get together. He comes on way too strong with her. It''s embarrassing. I understand that a 47 year old guy who''s a movie star or hot looking millionarie is going to have a shot with a woman that young but not this guy. It really annoys me because he wants to talk about this and all I want to say to him is ''grow up and live in the real world . Women in their 20s are not interested in you. Even early 30s probably.''

So, you younger women here, would you date a guy 18-19 years older than you who didn''t have a lot of money to spend? I would not think that someone like this is husband material.
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I''m 39 (will be 40 in September). I hope I don''t sound harsh....but when I read that first point, my question was, "OK...so what''s wrong with him?" There are a few legit reasons why a guy can get to his late 40s and still be single (building a medical career, deliberately staying single to sow oats and do his own thing, being overly choosy, etc.)....but not too many. My ex-husband was 42 when we got married, and within 6 months of living with him day to day, I soon realized why he managed to stay single for so long. My ex looks good on paper and was very attractive when I was married to him....but he has some very bad personal traits (selfish, spiteful) that he puts a lot of efforts into hiding. When men date, they will show you their best faces. You don''t often see who they really are until you live in the same house with them.

Financial stability is a big one. Sometimes, a man will temporarily be in poor financial condition after a divorce, or after being injured at work, etc. These are understandable. But to be 47 and still not managing money well? BIG HUGE RED FLAG. No woman in her right mind is going to want to deal with that. What it shows is irresponsibility and immaturity.

On the second point - again, not meaning to sound harsh - but you should tell him that, just like you told us. Men like this guy often have inflated viewpoints of themselves. When I was in my 20s, I was pursued by many older (35+) men. I wasn''t interested in men that much older. And a lot of them were relentless to the point of coming across like I was a b*tch for not falling into their arms. My mother actually gave me the lines that got rid of them. Bear in mind, these were not my first "lines" - I used them only when a man got aggressive and would not take no for an answer. Line #1 was, "I''m a lot younger than you are. Why aren''t you dating women your own age?" and Line #2, "What do you have to offer me that I can''t get on my own or from a younger man?"

My current BF is 46 (6 years older than I am), and that is the limit to how much older I would go these days. When a man gets into his 40s, he''s going to start to slow down (unless he''s in exceptional shape, a pro athlete, etc). Women tend to take better care of themselves as they age then men will. A 29 year old woman is most likely still very active. How will this man cope with a younger woman''s desire to travel, go out and do things, be athletic, etc. - not just now, but in 10-15 years? Younger women more often than not will want children. Judging how my ex husband aged quickly and had a lot of problems handling the lack of sleep and energy demands of a new baby, this part also does not bode well.

Bridget in Connecticut.
 
Date: 2/11/2008 4:45:18 PM
Author: sandia_rose

Date: 2/11/2008 2:52:47 PM
Author:tradergirl
I''m in my mid 40s and have been married 20 years so I am way out of touch with how things are now.

I have a very good male friend who is now 47 and has never been married. He''s pretty good looking and talks a good game, comes off as quite masculine and in control but really is not financially stable. We have been friends a long time and that''s all we are. I try to help when he gets involved with women and has problems.

Lately, he''s been pursuing a 29 year old woman and she is not reciprocating. She kind of flirts with him a bit but makes excuses not to get together. He comes on way too strong with her. It''s embarrassing. I understand that a 47 year old guy who''s a movie star or hot looking millionarie is going to have a shot with a woman that young but not this guy. It really annoys me because he wants to talk about this and all I want to say to him is ''grow up and live in the real world . Women in their 20s are not interested in you. Even early 30s probably.''

So, you younger women here, would you date a guy 18-19 years older than you who didn''t have a lot of money to spend? I would not think that someone like this is husband material.
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I''m 39 (will be 40 in September). I hope I don''t sound harsh....but when I read that first point, my question was, ''OK...so what''s wrong with him?'' There are a few legit reasons why a guy can get to his late 40s and still be single (building a medical career, deliberately staying single to sow oats and do his own thing, being overly choosy, etc.)....but not too many. My ex-husband was 42 when we got married, and within 6 months of living with him day to day, I soon realized why he managed to stay single for so long. My ex looks good on paper and was very attractive when I was married to him....but he has some very bad personal traits (selfish, spiteful) that he puts a lot of efforts into hiding. When men date, they will show you their best faces. You don''t often see who they really are until you live in the same house with them.

Financial stability is a big one. Sometimes, a man will temporarily be in poor financial condition after a divorce, or after being injured at work, etc. These are understandable. But to be 47 and still not managing money well? BIG HUGE RED FLAG. No woman in her right mind is going to want to deal with that. What it shows is irresponsibility and immaturity.

On the second point - again, not meaning to sound harsh - but you should tell him that, just like you told us. Men like this guy often have inflated viewpoints of themselves. When I was in my 20s, I was pursued by many older (35+) men. I wasn''t interested in men that much older. And a lot of them were relentless to the point of coming across like I was a b*tch for not falling into their arms. My mother actually gave me the lines that got rid of them. Bear in mind, these were not my first ''lines'' - I used them only when a man got aggressive and would not take no for an answer. Line #1 was, ''I''m a lot younger than you are. Why aren''t you dating women your own age?'' and Line #2, ''What do you have to offer me that I can''t get on my own or from a younger man?''

My current BF is 46 (6 years older than I am), and that is the limit to how much older I would go these days. When a man gets into his 40s, he''s going to start to slow down (unless he''s in exceptional shape, a pro athlete, etc). Women tend to take better care of themselves as they age then men will. A 29 year old woman is most likely still very active. How will this man cope with a younger woman''s desire to travel, go out and do things, be athletic, etc. - not just now, but in 10-15 years? Younger women more often than not will want children. Judging how my ex husband aged quickly and had a lot of problems handling the lack of sleep and energy demands of a new baby, this part also does not bode well.

Bridget in Connecticut.
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I think this is true for majority of men and women. My Pastor has a saying and he warns couples that "You''re only dating the person''s representative for at least the first 6-9 months." Most will show their best face initially but that will be hard to keep up over time and the real person starts to show eventually.
 
Bridget - no kidding! You are right about everything you''ve said. This guy is a professional buddy of mine (we''re stock traders at different funds). He''s a great friend for over 10 years but I wouldn''t date him and we''re nearly the same age. If I were single again, I''d go about 2 years older than me and no more. I''d actually be looking for younger, lol. My DH and I are the same age.

He is selfish, incredibly narcissistic and cheap too. He comes off very charming in the beginning and really wows them but his real self comes along pretty shortly after that. I also believe that any guy over about 35-40 who is never married is suspect unless he''s been busy saving the world or running for President.

I feel sorry for any woman who gets romantically involved with him, but it''s funny - he''s too old to interest the ones that are young and idealistic and might fall for his BS and the others who have been around awhile see right through his schtick.
 
My boyfriend is 5 years older than me and that seems like pushing it myself. Of course being 23 and him being 28 means he is a bit more experienced at everything than I am and I find that reassuring. However I think this guy may be going through a mid life crisis and is trying to make himself feel younger than he really is. I can tell from the girl''s reaction that she is obviously not interested and if I were him I would back off.
 
No I wouldn''t be interested. I''m 22 (and in a serious relationship) but I am just now figuring out my life.. saving money (BF and I are buying a house in October!) maintaining my credit, paying off student loans, working full time etc etc etc and if I felt that I was more mature than him in terms of finances then I would REALLY worry considering he''s 25 years older than me!!!!!!
 
I''m almost 26 and I would never consider it, unless he was Anderson Cooper (40, and possibly gay) or Jon Stewart (45 and impossibly funny).

18-19 year age difference? Probably not.
Do I want to date someone who is old enough to be my father (I am adopted after all!)? No.
Selfish, narcissistic and cheap? No way!
No $$$ by 47? Big NO.

If you can''t save any substantial amount of money over 47 years, and I can save 2 grand (would have been more if I hadn''t bought all those shoes!) over 3 MONTHS, while paying all of my own bills-there is certainly a problem.

She''s messing with him. Tell him to get over himself and work on making himself financially stable and THEN looking for a mate. Not any earlier dang it.
 
Hmm...theoretically, if I were dating, I wouldn''t rule someone out just because of age. But in reality, I can''t imagine how I would meet someone that much older than me in a setting conducive to a romantic relationship. I also don''t think I''d rule someone out just because he hadn''t made a lot of money, because I know plenty of people (both women and men) who do jobs they love which aren''t necessarily lucrative. But that''s different than having a money management problem, which is a huge red flag.

From an experience standpoint, I can say that when I was about 23, I went on a couple dates with a guy who was nice, but no real sparks. He lived like a college kid (messy studio apartment in a sort of crummy building, with a futon, no other furniture, and a giant TV) which didn''t bother me THAT much until I found out he was actually 9 years older than me (I thought he was maybe 4 years older, tops, when I first met him). Maybe I was just picky, but there''s something that unsettles me about a guy over 30 who hasn''t made any effort at all to live like a real adult. I''m just not into "Peter Pan" kind of guys,I guess.
 
It''s funny that I came across this thread because I have an uncle who is recently divorced. he''s 53 and IS dating a 25 yr old. (I''m 28 and his own daughter is 29) I don''t know what''s wrong with her...that''s what I think. This man has been around the block several dozen more times than she has. He''s not rich by any means, and definitely not George Clooney. Don''t get me wrong, he''s a nice guy who''s intelligent and funny, he''d be a great catch for a woman in her 40s. I just don''t see the appeal to a younger woman. I KNOW he only wants this girl for *ya know*, because he''s told me. But, at 53, how long is THAT going to last. It''s not like in ten years, when this girl is 35 and he''s 63, she''s going to be gung ho about *puttin it away*.

Your friend needs to think about what he has to offer a young woman. What does he have that a man in her own age group does not have. If he can''t come up with anything, chances are, she''ll always pick the younger guy.

The real question is....why does your friend not want to be with a woman his own age? Why is he drawn to such young women? You can''t say it''s purely an attractiveness/physical issue. Women in their 40s are still beautiful. Is he afraid of experienced women? Does he have some kind of control issue that is better played with a younger woman? Or, is it something like he wants kids and is trying to find a younger woman to help him with that?
 
Somethingisshiny:

I can tell you''re young. LOL. I could write a book about guys over 35 and their obsession with younger women. You are right, a lot of older women are very attractive but these guys think of themselves as a catch and the younger women as a trophy, a testament to their manhood, hunter/gatherer prowess, etc. In my friend''s case, he is terrified of growing older and tries to act young and hang out with younger people to convince himself that he''s "different." It''s pathetic, really. I met my husband while we were both young and he was in law school. I got very lucky with him; he has been a great friend and husband. He certainly appreciates younger women but it stops there.
 
I wouldn''t date him, because:

1) By late 38-40, a guy who hasn''t shown interest in marriage is probably not interested in marriage. Or, not worth marrying. I want a family. So I wouldn''t waste my time. I know a lot of these guys, and I''ve seen it oh, so often.

2) Also, he''s likely set in those bad financial habits. I don''t need to be spoiled, but, like T''Gal, my own financial house is in order, and I don''t need to be picking up slack for someone who doesn''t know how to take care of his basic financial concerns either. I can pull my own weight. But I don''t want to be pulling his weight too.

3) You have to sacrifice a LOT if you''re going to marry someone that much older than you, and this guy doesn''t sound like he''s ''all that''. and not just in the money department. If he were, you''d probably have said so, no?
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Oh, funny. I just read through the thread and realized that all the other ''older'' gals have the same view of men over late 30''s who''ve never married.

There''s someone on here, can''t remember who, who is young (early 20''s?) dating one of these guys/ I would bet that one in ten is actually dateable AND looking for marriage. Her guy sounds dateable. Let''s hope he''s not just leading her on in the marriage department! I hope he''s the one in ten.
 
Oh, one more thing. My sister's bff (age: 22?) is married to a 50-something guy. He has multiple residences and lots of money and she gets to shop, travel AND bring my sister on his dime while she studies dance. But I don't think it was the money that attracted her. Though I'm sure that didn't hurt.

I think it was that her dad died when she was 14.

Know what I mean?

And she is his 3rd wife.
 
Date: 2/11/2008 3:19:26 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, I''ll give you the 35 year old view.

I *might* rule him out because of his age.

I *would* rule him out because of his financial status.

I have worked hard to get where I am. I do not need someone who is only 15-20 years away from retirement in a situation where he can''t get his act together. I''ve been saving for retirement since I was 25. If he hasn''t been doing the same, I''d have to question his judgment and priorities in relation to mine.
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I have to agree. I''m a year younger than TGal and like her, I''ve worked hard to get where I am, both professionally and financially. If someone significantly older than me wasn''t financially stable, that would be a huge red flag for me. I''d wonder what other areas of this person''s life were unstable.
 
Without sounding like a gold digger, I would personally never get involved with a man that was not stable when it comes to the situation of money. Esspecially not a man that was nearly 20 years old than me.

I would never ask anything of anyone that I wouldn''t want asked of myself, and personally I think that being prepared to the future is hugely important...and you cant get off on the right foot eyeball deep in debt.
 
I would never consider a relationship with a man that age; at 47, he is not too much younger than my own father. I simply could not relate to such a person, and at opposite ends of the age spectrum, we''re at two completely different points in life. Personally, I need someone who understands me; someone who is experiencing roughly the same motions, struggles, and emotions as I am in this stage of life. Not someone who experienced it over 20 years ago, and can periodically give me father-like pep talks, and advice. It''s all too strange for my liking. The other factor, as others aptly pointed out, is that I would constantly have to question this person''s level of maturity, or if they have some kind of agenda. Why can''t he find someone his age? Or, if he can, why is he choosing to be with someone 20 years his junior? It absolutely does not sit right with me.
 
Date: 2/11/2008 6:00:02 PM
Author: FrekeChild

She''s messing with him. Tell him to get over himself and work on making himself financially stable and THEN looking for a mate. Not any earlier dang it.
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And to that, may I add: Please tell him to get himself some good, thorough counseling. I don''t mean this as a slam. He obviously has some serious problems that (whether or not he chooses to believe it) are going to hamper his progress in any relationship. And not that I condone this at all (I don''t), but there are some women out there who will mess wtih a whackjob guy for their own amusement.

Bridget in Connecticut.
 
As for the age question, I say it can depend. Not that I would make this kind of decision, but I''m sure somewhere out there are couples that have 20 year age differences and it works. My FI and I have an 11 year age difference - I''m 22 and he''s 33. Age, at least, for us, isn''t an issue, but it wasn''t always this way. We met and became friends when I was 18 and he was 29. THAT was an age difference I couldn''t wrap my head around, since I had just finished my freshman year of college! Three years of being good friends later, though, it was very different. There ARE sacrifices that age differences force you to make - all of his friends are married and are now having kids. We''re years away from that (re: 22! I have so much time!). Most of my friends aren''t even in the marriage mindset. So, yeah, age is an issue sometimes, but it works. For us. It also works for us because we have similar attitudes of what we want out of life. So, I guess to answer your question, if your friend were to meet a like minded 25 year old, then maybe it could work. But it doesn''t sound like has and the majority seem to think he isn''t likely to.

As for the financial question, well, I think I agree with everyone else here that not having your financial ducks in a row is a turn off, no matter what age you are.
 
There were 13 years between my grandparents, there are 11 years between my parents, and I have dated people with a 16 and 12 year age gap between us. I''m marrying a toyboy though!
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However, I have a very close friend who is 53:

He has never been married, is an extremely successful business man and politician, very attractive, is a totally nightmare emotionally speaking but is the most brilliant man I have ever met - and I mean visionary (hence the business success). I love spending time with him as he is so incredibly interesting to be around.

I spend a lot of time with him - he is my political mentor - and totally adore him (In a 100% platonic sense!). However, I could never have dated him as I wouldn''t be able to cope with his insecurities and bipolar disorder that is worse than my own.

His girlfriend is 26 and they have an amazing relationship. She is super-strict with him which is what he needs and doesn''t put up with any nonsense. Since they started dating he is so much calmer and happier. He''s crazy about her - she''s not some ''trophy girlfriend'' type. She''s french, VERY serious and incredibly bright. She writes a lot of political books on Europe and is very highly regarded in her sphere of interest.

He really wants to get married and have some kids - but she won''t till her career has properly taken off. I think they are perfect for each other and hope they do eventually. I think the fact he looks about 45 and she looks and acts like she''s in her mid-30''s helps.

On another couple: the woman who is playing the organ for my wedding was married to a man who was 50 years older than her. They met when she was 25 and he was 75 - he was the vicar and she played the organ in the church! It was a huge scandal I believe. Their son was in my class at school. He died a week short of his 100th birthday about 4 years ago (she was fuming having planned the party etc) and 6 months after his first grandchild was born.

They were a wonderful and incredibly happy couple.

So, I think big age gaps are fine, but not for everyone.
 
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