Question for you younger girls

[Gemma12]

I''m ''late twenties, early thirties'' and here''s my take.

In general 47 would be too old for me-different priorities, different lifestyle, different goals. On the other hand meeting a 47 yo with the same goals as me might be a bit strange!

Like others have mentioned, it''s not so much his lack of money as what that might represent. If he''s been an aid worker for most of his career, then that would be totally different to if he''s spent it all on beer and skittles. It''s getting a bit late to learn good financial management skills, and that, more than an amount of money, is what''s important to me. I personally couldn''t marry someone who doesn''t think about the future, and retirement is bearing down on him!

 

[partgypsy]

It''s ironic that pretty much everyone is saying they would never get involved with someone that much older, while unfortunately my experience is that there are alot of younger women who are willing and able to have relationships with men not only 20-30 years older than them, but married at that! (namely, my dad). This happened 20 years ago, and obviously my Dad was not an innocent party in all this (hence my parents being divorced), but when this was going down I could not believe how some women had no shame in actively flirting with my Dad, even in my presence.
Although this is off topic, the bigger question for me is why some (younger) women have relationships with married men.

 

[Mediterranean]

Women (and not just younger ones) who are single and have affairs with married men seem to be manifesting an emotional issue that they won''t admit to themselves. I believe it''s because they''re afraid of being hurt. A married man offers "safety" because there''s no real chance that they''ll end up together (he''s already married). It''s a passive form of commitment phobia. They don''t have to "commit" to their married lover. Hence, they avoid the hard emotional work of a committed relationship. The complicated thing is, I think many such women don''t ACTIVELY think of themselves as having commitment problems. I think these are the women who are in pain over being left alone over the holidays, or in pain because he won''t leave his wife the way he keeps promising to.

There''s a (very) small percentage of women who are conscious of the fact that they don''t actually want a commitment, and who are simply having an affair with a married man because they feel like it; I guess such women feel like it''s OK because since they are single, they''re doing nothing wrong (in their opinion).....maybe they think that the married person in the equation has the responsibility of saying "no" because he''s the married one.

For the most part, though, I think it''s a passive form of commitment phobia

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 2/11/2008 7:54:47 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I wouldn''t date him, because:

1) By late 38-40, a guy who hasn''t shown interest in marriage is probably not interested in marriage. Or, not worth marrying. I want a family. So I wouldn''t waste my time. I know a lot of these guys, and I''ve seen it oh, so often.

Mr. Surf and I married when he was 53. Yes, he had commitment issues, which he got over. But just because someone is over a certain age doesn''t mean they''re "not interested/worth marrying". It is possible that such men haven''t found "the one". It seems okay for women to have high standards and we applaud a woman who chooses to remain single because she doesn''t want ''to settle'', but a man cant also decide to not "settle" just to be married?

Anyway, regarding the OP, I have a friend in his 40''s who''s probably a very needy nightmare of a partner (I''m guessing here) and he''s been pursuing a work colleague who''s in her early 20''s. She showed "interest" and suddenly she''s cold now. She obviously decided she didn''t want a relationship with him (he also has a kid) and he''s having difficulty understanding WHY. I told him, she''s VERY young compared to you and where you are in life ("but, but, she''s very MATURE for her age!") and she''s either playing the games a lot of younger folks play, or she simply changed her mind. He just cant seem to let it go and he wont stop calling me to talk about it. I''ve stopped responding to his calls and emails because I told him flat out what I thought. He said I was being ''harsh'' but I felt he needed to hear the truth. Maybe you need to set your friend straight, and then step back and out of this particular conversation?

 

[Independent Gal]

Hey Surf, I know there are all types out there, and that one pattern doesn't describe all! It was a probability statement, rather than an all-encompassing generalization. I also know that in the world there are Surfgirls who are so fab-o that a Mr. Commitmentphobe who is nonetheless really grown up, would know he had to work really hard to get over it, so that he could stay with her.

And then there are many Mr. C-phobes who are not that grown-up. It's a question of odds, and I guess, because I want kids and the clock's a-tickin', I wouldn't have dated a potential / probable C-phobe.

I think risk measurements are possibly different if you don't want children.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 2/15/2008 4:42:41 PM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 2/11/2008 7:54:47 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I wouldn''t date him, because:

1) By late 38-40, a guy who hasn''t shown interest in marriage is probably not interested in marriage. Or, not worth marrying. I want a family. So I wouldn''t waste my time. I know a lot of these guys, and I''ve seen it oh, so often.

Mr. Surf and I married when he was 53. Yes, he had commitment issues, which he got over. But just because someone is over a certain age doesn''t mean they''re ''not interested/worth marrying''. It is possible that such men haven''t found ''the one''. It seems okay for women to have high standards and we applaud a woman who chooses to remain single because she doesn''t want ''to settle'', but a man cant also decide to not ''settle'' just to be married?

Anyway, regarding the OP, I have a friend in his 40''s who''s probably a very needy nightmare of a partner (I''m guessing here) and he''s been pursuing a work colleague who''s in her early 20''s. She showed ''interest'' and suddenly she''s cold now. She obviously decided she didn''t want a relationship with him (he also has a kid) and he''s having difficulty understanding WHY. I told him, she''s VERY young compared to you and where you are in life (''but, but, she''s very MATURE for her age!'') and she''s either playing the games a lot of younger folks play, or she simply changed her mind. He just cant seem to let it go and he wont stop calling me to talk about it. I''ve stopped responding to his calls and emails because I told him flat out what I thought. He said I was being ''harsh'' but I felt he needed to hear the truth. Maybe you need to set your friend straight, and then step back and out of this particular conversation?

Surfgirl, I swear you''re my twin. DH and I were 48 and 52 at marriage; the first for me, and second for him after a vveerryy lloonngg time as a divorced guy. He also had commitment issues; which we worked on together. Without a sense of urgency. Did I miss out on having kids? Yes. Do I regret waiting for the right guy even if it meant that we would not create a family together? No. The right guy is the right guy. The perfect guy, without issues, doesn''t exist. Neither does the perfect woman.

I''ve never thought women should choose her life partner based upon having children. Would you leave him if his sp**m count was too low? What if you could not afford IVF? Would you want him to decide on you based upon whether you were physically able to have children? And adoption is not always an option open to everyone; especially if you want babies of your own ethnic background. Should true love be decided by your biological clock?

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 2/15/2008 6:24:57 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 2/15/2008 4:42:41 PM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 2/11/2008 7:54:47 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I wouldn''t date him, because:

1) By late 38-40, a guy who hasn''t shown interest in marriage is probably not interested in marriage. Or, not worth marrying. I want a family. So I wouldn''t waste my time. I know a lot of these guys, and I''ve seen it oh, so often.

Mr. Surf and I married when he was 53. Yes, he had commitment issues, which he got over. But just because someone is over a certain age doesn''t mean they''re ''not interested/worth marrying''. It is possible that such men haven''t found ''the one''. It seems okay for women to have high standards and we applaud a woman who chooses to remain single because she doesn''t want ''to settle'', but a man cant also decide to not ''settle'' just to be married?

Anyway, regarding the OP, I have a friend in his 40''s who''s probably a very needy nightmare of a partner (I''m guessing here) and he''s been pursuing a work colleague who''s in her early 20''s. She showed ''interest'' and suddenly she''s cold now. She obviously decided she didn''t want a relationship with him (he also has a kid) and he''s having difficulty understanding WHY. I told him, she''s VERY young compared to you and where you are in life (''but, but, she''s very MATURE for her age!'') and she''s either playing the games a lot of younger folks play, or she simply changed her mind. He just cant seem to let it go and he wont stop calling me to talk about it. I''ve stopped responding to his calls and emails because I told him flat out what I thought. He said I was being ''harsh'' but I felt he needed to hear the truth. Maybe you need to set your friend straight, and then step back and out of this particular conversation?

Surfgirl, I swear you''re my twin. DH and I were 48 and 52 at marriage; the first for me, and second for him after a vveerryy lloonngg time as a divorced guy. He also had commitment issues; which we worked on together. Without a sense of urgency. Did I miss out on having kids? Yes. Do I regret waiting for the right guy even if it meant that we would not create a family together? No. The right guy is the right guy. The perfect guy, without issues, doesn''t exist. Neither does the perfect woman.

I''ve never thought women should choose her life partner based upon having children. Would you leave him if his sp**m count was too low? What if you could not afford IVF? Would you want him to decide on you based upon whether you were physically able to have children? And adoption is not always an option open to everyone; especially if you want babies of your own ethnic background. Should true love be decided by your biological clock?

Did someone ask for me?

hehehe

To some people having children is more important to them then the person they are actually marrying. Yes some women will leave if the man cannot have children. It''s unfair but some women feel that is their goal in life. I personally would not leave my SO if we could not have children. I would be very upset but I love him and I''m not after him for his sperm

Hopefully that will never be an issue for us though.

 

[Independent Gal]

It''s not just women to whom having children can be a non-negotiable. If I knew in advance that I couldn''t have kids, I wonder if FI would marry me. Having kids is the most important thing he''s looking forward to in his life. He just would not feel complete without them. Now, we have talked about what we''d do if it just didn''t ''work'', and we''re both on the same page about that and about our commitment. But he''d be devastated (me too, actually) and would certainly not sign on to that in advance. It''s one thing to accept a risk, it''s another to embrace a certainty.

I also know two men who left their wives because they wanted children and the wife didn''t or couldn''t. But FI won''t do that. I think I can trust him on that one.

Presumably, you would all agree that you shouldn''t marry someone if you want kids and they don''t. So then presumably you shouldn''t marry someone if you want kids (in the non-negotiable sense) and they can''t.

We all have ''non-negotiables''. Things we could not make compromises on. For some people, that''s having kids. My Fi is one of those people, not just me.

And if nature takes its course then nature takes its course... once we''re married, it''s a risk we''re taking together, and we''ll live with the consequences TOGETHER. But I wouldn''t blame him, or anyone, who desperately wanted kids for taking that into account in their marital decision making.

I don''t believe in that whole ''we''re destined for each other'' ''he''s THE ONE'' stuff, personally. I think there are lots of people you can love and make a happy home with, if you''re both flexible and well-adjusted.

 

[Haven]

I probably would have responded differently before I met my FI, but now I''m quite certain that age differences are only a problem when they''re a problem, meaning that they are a non-issue for some people, and a deal-breaker for others. It depends very much on the two people involved, who they are, their expectations, histories, and goals. I say this because my FI is ten years older than I am, but it has honestly never been an issue. Never. Not once.

As for your friend''s situation, tradergirl, it sounds like there''s more to the problem than his age. His financial situation is obviously a big red flag to many women out there, and not just us younguns. To answer your question--no, I don''t think I would date a man in your friend''s situation. It has less to do with having money to spend and more to do with having your life together. How can you be a good boyfriend when you don''t even have your life put together? That would be the problem as I see it.

I guess you can''t blame a guy for trying, though, right?