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Questions I am asking myself...

HappyNewLife

HappyNewLife

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Mar 25, 2010
Messages
2,534

When is it just too much work to make a relationship work? Do you love yourself more, the same, or less now that you are in a relationship with your SO? Does the other person make you feel badly about who you are? Or I should say, do you allow yourself to feel badly about who you are because the other person always seems to have an issue with you?


At what point would you walk away from this relationship?


Questions I am asking myself tonight.


I think I am at that point. Too bad I bought a platinum and diamonds size 9 unsizable ring and have a size 5 finger… I am a really freaking awesome girlfriend, but I’m not who she needs. I get that now. And that’s not my fault. I will be good enough for someone else someday, but first I need to learn how to be good enough for me.


I am upset, so I am not thinking clearly. But I think I’m done. It’s not supposed to be this hard. My feet hurt from walking on eggshells.
 
I think when the negatives begin to outweigh the good is when it is time to go. Not only that, but I also think when a relationship has been continuously stressful over a long period of time...its also time to let go. Thats just my own personal opinion.

My SO makes me feel like I''m a better person then I really probably am.
 
Date: 5/19/2010 9:09:58 PM
Author: Autumnovember
I think when the negatives begin to outweigh the good is when it is time to go. Not only that, but I also think when a relationship has been continuously stressful over a long period of time...its also time to let go. Thats just my own personal opinion.


My SO makes me feel like I''m a better person then I really probably am.
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Ditto. If you have to ask whether this is worth it, then you already know. You''ll be okay once the initial sting wears off - change is what makes us better people. Keep your good spirits and let other doors open for you.
 
My husband seems to worship the ground I walk on. Ok, not really, but he thinks I''m pretty awesome.

I like this way of putting it:

My SO makes me feel like I''m a better person then I really probably am.
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Bottom line though, when you have to ask yourself these questions, you already know the answer.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 
Oh HappyNewLife, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way! You've always seemed so happy in your posts.

I think you should feel just as good about yourself whether you are in a relationship or not (easier said than done, but true nonetheless!). I think there is always an intrinsic motivation to be an even better person when you are with someone you love. You want to be the best person you can be, to be everything your loved one deserves. But when that turns into feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, you've crossed a line. You should not feel badly about yourself, unworthy of your loved one's affection. If you feel that way, something isn't right. It's easy to get pulled in that direction, I think. You can easily become so consumed with this quest to be "good enough" that you forget you should be happy with the person you love. You should feel like the wonderful person you have always been, only now enhanced by the love, companionship and happiness your loved one brings to your life. If you're not feeling that way, it's definitely time to take a step back and assess the situation, as it sounds like you're doing.

You seem like a very strong and capable woman. I wish you lots of happiness, whatever you decide.
 
thanks ladies. Can I get a hug?
 
Date: 5/19/2010 9:49:47 PM
Author: blacksand
Oh HappyNewLife, I''m sorry to hear you''re feeling this way! You''ve always seemed so happy in your posts.



I think you should feel just as good about yourself whether you are in a relationship or not (easier said than done, but true nonetheless!). I think there is always an intrinsic motivation to be an even better person when you are with someone you love. You want to be the best person you can be, to be everything your loved one deserves. But when that turns into feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, you''ve crossed a line. You should not feel badly about yourself, unworthy of your loved one''s affection. If you feel that way, something isn''t right. It''s easy to get pulled in that direction, I think. You can easily become so consumed with this quest to be ''good enough'' that you forget you should be happy with the person you love. You should feel like the wonderful person you have always been, only now enhanced by the love, companionship and happiness your loved one brings to your life. If you''re not feeling that way, it''s definitely time to take a step back and assess the situation, as it sounds like you''re doing.



You seem like a very strong and capable woman. I wish you lots of happiness, whatever you decide.
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I ditto this, and the other previous posts.

I and DH are both flawed humans...but we accept one another as such, no judgments or manipulations. We also recognize our own frailties with self acceptance and awareness. We strive to be the best we can be for each other and ourselves...but not in a way to change who we ARE.

I loved who I was before DH, and love myself now. Maybe even more as he also brings to my life a new fresh perspective. He is unlimited with expressing his love and appreciation for me...and often shares how blessed he feels and vice versa. Neither of us fears being who we are with each other - authentic and real - as we find complete acceptance. Even if some of our flaws drive each other crazy at times...we are able to laugh at ourselves and work together.

I feel simply blessed.

I do think a relationship where you are walking on eggshells and trying to be someone ELSE to keep the peace is not a healthy relationship at all. And if she has already said you are not what she needs...it is time to move on and time to put some time into yourself and learn to love, accept and cherish yourself.
 
Of course!!! ((((HUG)))

Never settle for anything less then what is best for you. Sometimes, you have to put yourself at #1
 
As many as you need, whenever you need them!
 
Lots and lots of hugs; you shouldn't be walking on eggshells. Your SO is the one that's supposed to build you up, not break you down.
 
I''m sorry to hear that..
HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
 
You get great big hugs and props for being smart enough to think of this now and not after you''ve moved yourself and your kids for her.
 
Big hugs, HappyNewLife. Rest those feet and remember that you''re great just as you are. We''re here for you.
 
BIIIIIIIIGGGGGG HUUUUUUGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
ack, no!

what is going on today?

HUGS HUGS HUGS happynewlife.

please don''t make a lifelong committment if something is "off".

relationships should NOT be that much work (mine is effortless but i fully acknowledge that''s because we have only been together over a year and still in honeymoon phase)

there will be some work, but your other half should lift your spirits, not bring them down.
 
It''s time to end the relationship when you have no happy moments with the SO, when you have to think twice before you say anything to the SO and when the SO makes you doubt your self worth.
Walk before the SO makes you run.
 
In my experience, if someone you are in a relationship with always seems to have an issue with you, it does not necessarily mean something is wrong with you, it actually means the other person has insecurities or control issues and expects you to be who he/she wants you to be. It is really important to be with someone who accepts you as you are and loves you for who you are. It's too exhausting to live up to someone else's expectations all the time. That is not to say you shouldn't try to be the best person you can be toward your significant other, but that should be an internal desire not something forced upon you by your significant other.
 
Oh HappyNewLife, I am so sorry to hear about this.

I hate to say it, but it may be time to move on. Being gay, it was really hard for me to meet people. I dated girls that were not very nice. I thought I was happy, but I was with people that constantly put me down and made me feel really horrible about myself. I stayed with them longer than I should have because I honestly thought that it was the best I could get. I started going to therapy to work on my self esteem, and I realized in my mid to late twenties that I was happier when I was single than I have ever been in a relationship. That is, until I met my current partner.

She brings out the best in me, and makes me want to be a better person. Not only does she accept my flaws, but she loves me because of them. Relationships take work, but not THAT much work. In fact, the ones that took the most work were the ones that were forced. My current reationship is, and has always been, rather easy in comparison. Your partner is supposed to bring out the best in you...not make you feel horrible for who you are.

I absolutely adore my partner, and she adores me. Everyone deserves that.

Don''t let the fact that you bought her a ring make you feel like you have to stay in a relationship that you are not happy in. There is a woman out there that will treat you like you deserve to be treated.
 
HappyNewLife, I have to give a big, huge DITTO to everything the incredible PS ladies have already said in this thread.

I can tell by your post that you already know the right thing to do for you, and I''m hoping you have the strength to get through it.

I''m sorry things haven''t worked out for you in this relationship
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I''m sending you tons of hugs!
 
Ditto the PP who said when the negatives outweigh the positives. When you have more bad times than good times is when you need to cut your losses. In addition, you need to be true to yourself. Jumping into a new lifestyle or relationship because you care for someone and want to see where it goes or due to pressure from society is a recipe for disaster. It''s OK to not know what you want in life, it''s OK to want to try new things and meet new people. But just because something is "ok for now" doesn''t mean it has to be a forever thing. I feel like you''ve been trying really really hard. Trying to turn yourself into the person you "think" you should be or people have told you to be and I feel like you''re really trying to force this relationship, which ultimately isn''t the right one for you. When you meet the right person everything will fall into place, I promise.
 
I think you meant these as rhetorical questions, but I''ll give my input anyway. I know logically that relationships take some work now and then, but when it gets to the point that you''re questioning if it''s worth it, I think it''s game over. Life is hard enough, why make it more difficult. I think having someone should be a bright spot in your life, not a dark cloud hanging over your head. You certainly shouldn''t feel like you have to walk on eggshells with the person you love.

I''m sad to hear about this turn of events. You seemed so excited about proposing to your GF. I hope after you take some time for yourself to heal that you''ll find someone who makes you feel like the "best you" you can be, because that''s what you deserve!
 
Lots of hugs.

I think it''s important to recognize that all lasting relationships take work. SO is far from perfect, but so am I. Are their days when I wish he was less sensitive about silly things or more understanding of some of my thoughts/issues... definitely. But when it''s all said and done I still don''t doubt at all that I want to be with him forever.


That being said, if you feel worse about yourself than you did before this relationship, that''s a red flag. If you are really doubting that you could be happy with that person forever, another red flag. Just make sure you aren''t looking for a perfect partner, as no one is perfect.

Have you tried talking to her about these issues?
 
I''m so sorry. Hugs, HappyNewLife.

I think the others have given some really great advice already. I''ll just add that you need to put the welfare of you and your kids first. Your kids don''t need to be around someone who is hyper-critical of their mom. It isn''t fair to them, and it certainly isn''t fair to you.

7.gif
 
So sorry to hear this Happynewlife, and major, MAJOR (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))!!!

Be happy that you recognized and acted on these feelings now, rather than after you popped the question.
 
Whatever you decide, we all support you. It''s good that you''re taking a closer look at your relationship now before you propose if you''re feeling this way. Like everyone is saying it sounds like this relationship may not be right for you. Your partner is supposed to make you feel better about yourself, not less.

I hope you can see things clearly and make the best decision for you. Good luck, HUGS!
 
thank you again everyone. I still have a lot of thinking to do. My therapist called me last night (after I texted her) and I feel better. She thinks I did the right thing (I basically walked out on my GF after she had essentially been mean and then verbally pushed me away, leaving her to deal with getting a ride to the airport on her own). I thought my therapist was going to say that it was impulsive and wrong (granted I did text my GF telling her I was angry, but I would drive her if she needed me to), but instead she told me she was proud of me for trying something different. She told me something Einstein once said:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

And normally what I''d do in that situation is allow my GF to be pissed at me, make rude remarks, treat me like a scolded child, vent at me and I''d just take it. I''d take it, then I''d start to hate and loathe myself. And then after a day or two of self loathing I''d see my therapist, who would once again help me build myself back up. Rinse, repeat. At least once a month, if not more.

I just couldn''t take it one more time. So I bailed. And I haven''t talked to my GF since. And I''m not sure when I will, but not today. I''m still so angry. Luckily she is out of town for 10 days and I don''t have to make any decisions or have any conversations I don''t want to have. And I don''t know if this is "IT", but it sure feels like it.

luckynumber-- we have only been together a year! The honeymoon phase is still there, but it is riddled with self doubt and loathing on a fairly consistent basis.

monkeyprincess-- everything you said is so true. I feel that way too now.

damons-- thanks for your input. sometimes I do feel like I will be alone forever. Single mother of two little kids, who would want me? But, I should certainly not stay with my GF because I''m afraid to be alone. I don''t feel afraid anymore. I just feel like it''s too much work to be together. And at the expense of me being able to love the person I am-- flaws and all.

I dunno. I guess we''ll see what happens. Thanks again ladies, I REALLY appreciate your support. I still want to visit the LIW board- I''m still a total romantic who wants to be with someone who wants to marry me one day :)
 
HappyNewLife, I''m glad you''re doing what is best for you! I know this maybe sounds dumb, since I just know you from a message board, but you seem like a really nice and genuine person. You definitely deserve better if that''s how your GF is treating you. I hope that she either figures it out and treats you the way you need to be treated, or that you move on in a different direction.

Good luck! And I hope you stick around, either way.
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My avatar is giving you a hug, HappyNewLife :)
You deserve someone to bring out the best in you, and make you aware of how amazing you are!
 
Date: 5/20/2010 1:45:05 PM
Author: HappyNewLife
thank you again everyone. I still have a lot of thinking to do. My therapist called me last night (after I texted her) and I feel better. She thinks I did the right thing (I basically walked out on my GF after she had essentially been mean and then verbally pushed me away, leaving her to deal with getting a ride to the airport on her own). I thought my therapist was going to say that it was impulsive and wrong (granted I did text my GF telling her I was angry, but I would drive her if she needed me to), but instead she told me she was proud of me for trying something different. She told me something Einstein once said:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

And normally what I''d do in that situation is allow my GF to be pissed at me, make rude remarks, treat me like a scolded child, vent at me and I''d just take it. I''d take it, then I''d start to hate and loathe myself. And then after a day or two of self loathing I''d see my therapist, who would once again help me build myself back up. Rinse, repeat. At least once a month, if not more.

I just couldn''t take it one more time. So I bailed. And I haven''t talked to my GF since. And I''m not sure when I will, but not today. I''m still so angry. Luckily she is out of town for 10 days and I don''t have to make any decisions or have any conversations I don''t want to have. And I don''t know if this is ''IT'', but it sure feels like it.

luckynumber-- we have only been together a year! The honeymoon phase is still there, but it is riddled with self doubt and loathing on a fairly consistent basis.

monkeyprincess-- everything you said is so true. I feel that way too now.

damons-- thanks for your input. sometimes I do feel like I will be alone forever. Single mother of two little kids, who would want me? But, I should certainly not stay with my GF because I''m afraid to be alone. I don''t feel afraid anymore. I just feel like it''s too much work to be together. And at the expense of me being able to love the person I am-- flaws and all.

I dunno. I guess we''ll see what happens. Thanks again ladies, I REALLY appreciate your support. I still want to visit the LIW board- I''m still a total romantic who wants to be with someone who wants to marry me one day :)
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Many people would want you!! If I was single, I would absolutely date a single mother with 2 children. And there are PLENTY of people in this world that would too. You will find someone.

I am proud of you for walking out of a bad situation. I am sure it was a very difficult thing to do.

Your post made me so sad because no one deserves to be treated like that.
 
Ditto Damons 100%. Sweetie, just because you are a single mom doesnt mean you will be alone forever. What it does mean is that someone will and should work extra hard to show you love and affection as well as your kids. (Can you tell my Mom was a single Mom?
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) Concentrate on you and your children, and when the time is right, someone will love you FOR WHO YOU ARE. Please dont change to make another person happy, you are great as you are.**huge HUGS**and the best of luck to you.
 
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