Racist family... and my children

[MINE!!]

Here is my story:

My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship... mostly brought about due to alcholism and the fact that she is a few nuts short of a fruit cake. Anyway, she now lives out in Colorado with someone who has lots and lots and lots of money, he is a self made man.. he started with NOTHING!!! and made his first million when he was 23 and retired at 35.. he has more money than he will ever be able to spend. They live in a very nice place and I take my girls to see them becuase... well becuase my mother wants to see her grandchildren and ehr grandchildren want to see her. Don't get me wrong.. I love my mother...but still....

My mother is extremely intellegent and was even a Rhodes scholar.. but all of a sudden I think my mother has been beaten with the stupid stick. Her Hubby (Larry) is a nice guy... but some of the things that he says are just.... well... he is full of crap... basically he thinks he knows everything about everything. anyway.. the problem is that larry and my mother are extremely racist.

The illegal mexicans are taking over the country and they are to blame for all the problems we have here.. the klan was not all that bad because at least they stop the black people from commiting crimes and raping white woman.. and other sundries of bull. They say and talk about thee things around my children as if they were.. facts. My girls are just... stunned by it. They never say anything, but I know that they are just

shocked.

I just got back from a weeks vacation at their house (it was more like a week of hell) and I feel that everytime I leave I have to deprogram my children and tell them that their grandparents are completely full of Sh*t! But the problem is when they go on and on and on about it in front of the children. and there is no asking them not to talk that way in front of the chidren.

I have a best freind who is the most wonderful person. She is white and her husband is black. Her husband is a tri-athelete, he has his MA and he works for the Juvinelle justice dept. he is one of the most positive, amazing, feel good person I have EVER known. He is an assistant soccer coach and a high school wrestling coach.. his children are tow of the most beautiful litttle girls. They are amazing.. and they are my children's best freinds... When we were in Co... Larry was droning on about how all the black men just love the white woan and they get the, pregnant and just leave and go out to find another white woman. I jumped in and started talking about D (My BF hubby) and he just kept on about how it would happen. But I turned and looked in my daughters direction and she had this look of ... "mommy.. why would he say that" on her face. All the while my mother with the stupid stick up her butt... was agreeing with him.

Needless to say this trip was hard on my girls and they are having a difficult time getting back into the groove. My oldest got mad when I told her that she had to go to bed the night after she got home... she started crying and barged into her room. About 10 minutes later she called me in and tol me that she was sorry... would I still love. OOHH MMMYYY GGGOOODDD!!!! My daughter has never asked questions like that. That is jst nuts. I told her that of course I would love her forever, more than anything, more than my own life... and she said... "well, sometimes, grandma says bad things about you and how you think you are so smart and how you think you are better than everyone else...." "sometimes, it seems like grandma only loves you sometmes.... only if you are agreeing with her and doing what she thinks is right... and she is your mommy" I just wanted to die... but i know that she is probably right. but now my children see things and are effected by it. I finally got her to calm down by saying the same matra as I did when I was little and my mother was passed out after beating the crap out of me..... "Life there is not normal.. that is a crazy world... who we are... how we love.. that is normal.."

I told DH about it (he did not come with me because he had too much to do here... and he said that we should should break from them...

Not expose the girls anymore... cause it takes them and I quite a while to readjust and come back from hell land after we come home. I have always sworn that I would not do this. But now... my children are not understanding why the grandparents they love would insult the love and people they know and only love their mother when she is 'acceptable'
I just do not know what to do.....

 

[ammayernyc]

Wow. That''s quite a story.

I have never been in the same situation, thankfully, so my advice is just advice and not given from experience.

Do you think it would be helpful to talk to your mother and explain how what she did to you is done, but you will not stand her wrongfully influencing your children? Maybe if you tell your mother and her husband that you cannot condone their racist talk, even if that is their true opinions, around your children and you cannot have them talk badly about you or you will not let them see your children again that it could help?

I hope this situation works out for you. It''s horrible to have been putten in it in the first place.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Oh, Mine, I''m so sorry that all this happened. I''m so sorry for your children, for everyone involved, including your mother.

As a minority who has experienced quite a bit of racism (it''s very hurtful and I am in therapy today to deal with the effects of it), I would say that it''s absolutely unacceptable for your children to be around her and listen to that. So much of what children believe is learned from their family, so it''s better to nip this in the bud. It doesn''t sound like your mother is going to change, at least in the near future. While it would be nice for your children to have a relationship with her, it doesn''t sound like your mom is the kind of person you would want them to be close to.

Perhaps you could give your mom one more chance and explain to her what AmandaPanda suggested, that they are entitled to their opinions but to please refrain from speaking them around your children. I don''t know. Personally, I wouldn''t give her another chance, but that''s just me.

I hope I didn''t offend you. I know I have strong views on such matters, especially because I''ve personally dealt with racism. It''s not an easy situation.

 

[MINE!!]

Date: 8/10/2005 1:16:25 PM
Author: Logan Sapphire
Oh, Mine, I''m so sorry that all this happened. I''m so sorry for your children, for everyone involved, including your mother.


As a minority who has experienced quite a bit of racism (it''s very hurtful and I am in therapy today to deal with the effects of it), I would say that it''s absolutely unacceptable for your children to be around her and listen to that. So much of what children believe is learned from their family, so it''s better to nip this in the bud. It doesn''t sound like your mother is going to change, at least in the near future. While it would be nice for your children to have a relationship with her, it doesn''t sound like your mom is the kind of person you would want them to be close to.


Perhaps you could give your mom one more chance and explain to her what AmandaPanda suggested, that they are entitled to their opinions but to please refrain from speaking them around your children. I don''t know. Personally, I wouldn''t give her another chance, but that''s just me.


I hope I didn''t offend you. I know I have strong views on such matters, especially because I''ve personally dealt with racism. It''s not an easy situation.

Not offended at all Logan.. not in the least. My kids find it confusing... for them... there is no color... only people... and this just boggles them. I know that if I have this conversation with my mother then it will be one of those "too bad.. if you do not like it.. never come here again..." but that will not be the end of it. in her screwed up world I will have accused her of mass murder and trying to poison her grandchildren.. it will be a nightmare... so which one do I love in... ugh!

 

[Madam Bijoux]

One thing you could do is to keep telling your children that your friends are proof of how wrong your mother and her husband''s views are. Impress on them that they should believe what is proven true to them through their own experiences and ignore the ridiculous, unfounded opinions of other people.

 

[allycat0303]

MINE!

Well this is a situation that I have a little bit TOO much experience with. My boyfriend''s brother is a flaming racist. He is a trucker and seems to have picked up a really bad attitude (he didn''t used to be like that). In any case, once when I was over at my boyfriend''s parent''s house for dinner he said "Those damn immigrants, they come into our country and live off our money, they ruin our country" Which well.....my parents are Vietnamese immigrants and they are very successful. They have also raised three children that are all three in medical school. He also said that black peope were "lazy and ignorant". My boyfriend''s niece who is 8 years old was at the table, and she half-black. You can imagine how that made her feel. So I told him off, in front of everybody and called him on his ignorance. It was an uncomfortable situation but I can''t tolerate blatant racism. His sister also did the same.

My boyfriend''s sister had a talk with her daughter, and carefully explained how some people have tainted views because of their own experiences, and that at the end of the day we are all the same inside. In addition, even though her uncle says careless things sometimes, it doesn''t mean that he is a bad person. My boyfriend''s niece is very young, but I think it gave her some insight into the situation.

Perhaps, if your children are very young, you could see your mother and husband in more public (i.e resturant) situations, where the husband might be more inclined to keep his opinons to himself? I can''t imagine that you can change how he feels at this late date, but that might limit the amount of exposure.

 

[teebee]

Wow.... that''s heavy...

Well, I''ve not yet been in your shoes... but I do anticipate similar situations in the future after I and FI are married and have kids. His mother is... awful. She''s an alcoholic and smokes a lot of pot & is just generally inappropriate and unstable. As is her husband. I know FI loves his mother, but he also barely tolerates her & we''re both glad that she lives in another state. She & her husband regularly make racist comments, but are often totally incoherent & irrelevant because they are so stoned or drunk... FI''s brother has 2 children & he now lives with the mother of his youngest child & she has 2 children from a previous marriage & they are black. My FI has tried to explain to his mother & stepfather how hurtful their comments are and how these remarks will affect their grandson, since he has 2 black siblings... They are clueless & careless... It''s just beyond disgusting and apalling. And, that''s the tip of the iceberg...

It saddens me because I have such a close relationship with my grandparents & I would love for my own children to someday know that kind of love. But it won''t be with these people. FI and I have discussed this & I am adament that, should his mother & stepfather continue in their current lifestyle & continue to be unable or refuse to censor their words and behavior, then they will not play a part in our lives and the lives of our children. I''ve had enough dysfunction in my own life - and FI''s childhood was filled with 100x the disfunction I grew up with and I see how it affected him - I can''t allow his mom to poison my own children like she did him.

I guess bottom line, is if she and her husband cannot abide by your wishes about how they behave & talk in front of you and your girls, then I agree with your husband. I understand that this will be so hard and something you said you''d never do... but you also have to protect your girls from damaging influences - and it seems that they are teaching your children that love is conditional & honestly, it sounds like your girls are not only fearful that you will someday not love them, but they are also sad for you and want to protect you from that pain as well. It''s one thing to have to educate your children that racism and hate exists... but torture to see it being taught by example from your own mother... I''m sorry.

 

[kenny]

Protect your kids from this poison.

Don''t allow any contact.
Explain why to them.
It is the lesser of two evils.

 

[MINE!!]

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I talked with my girls when we came home and explained to them that their grandparents were racist and they had closed minds. I told them that it was Ok to love them, but they just had a hard time accepting the fact that the world is not the one that they see. It is hard for the girls. Unfortunately, my mother is in Co and I in Nc.... so if I go see her.. I have to stay for a hile.. Sometimes it feel like a trap... by the end of the week I am basically chewing my own leg off to get out.

I know that my DH is right and I am just going to have to break it off. My mother has never had a problem choosing something else ovee me.. wether it be a bottle of beer, prescription drugs or her F**ked up delusions about the world.

Alley Cat.. that poor little girl. I am glad that you said something and stood up to him. Unfortunely, it probabbly did not make a dent. teeBee... I understand.. it s hard for children who have had abusive parents.. some grow up hating their parents, others, like me... grow up hating them but loving them so much we do not want to give up. But I thnk this time... This time... this time I have to find a way to make it end. It is hard being out there wth them. Between the hateful remarks and the made up logic... it is exhausting. I just have to learn how to give up on mother... while making sure that my children know that I would never give up on them.

 

[laney]

Wow, I''m sorry that you have to go through this.

I am mixed (half black / half white) and have had lots of experiences with my own family, step family and just in general through out my life. Kids are smart cookies - and it looks like they are seeing how the viewpoints of your mother are affecting you. As a kid, a lot of things roll off your back - but when it affects your mom - then it hurts.

I agree with your husband. Time for a break. I understand the need to keep a relationship with her - but maybe it can be just YOU for now. Next time there is a visit - I''d arrange so that only YOU go by yourself. If there are any questions you can kindly say that the kids were busy with their own activities. If there is more pressure to see the grandkids you can bring up these issues, on your own schedule - to gently let them know that not everyone has the same view on life as them.

Sometimes, people generate extreme viewpoints without even realizing they have them. Then when you confront them, they can be defensive and deny them. Or worse, confront you on why you don''t share them.

I''d say it''s time to start taking it slow with them. Suggesting in small ways that they have very "ADULT" viewpoints on the world, and your children still need time to formulate their own opinions. They may not AGREE with the way you raise your children.. but if they can at least RESPECT that you are choosing to raise them (with an open mind) - maybe a deal could be struck - and they can interact without being so vocal on these issues.

It might be a long process - but it sounds like you want to make sure your family is a "family".. so the time invested to "fix" these issues will be worth it in the end.

Good Luck

 

[ame]

Ok...

I am inclined to agree that you should cut them off and make sure they know WHY. And if they try to play it off as another reason, say NO I told you the reason, accept it. Tell them that until this behavior changes you will no longer spend a moment of time with them, likely spend very little time speaking with them.

 

[MelissaSue]

Thats such a sad story. I don''t know..The racist part is bad.. but I think your daughters will encounter that no matter where they go and you just have to do your best to make them see that racism=ignorance.. although it seems that they already know this.

The heartbreaking part is your daughters reaction when you got home. It so sad that she could see that your mother does not treat you right. Your daughter seems really smart, and I think she is becoming aware that her grandma is not the sweet loving kind of grandmother we all hope to have.

I don''t know if you should cut off contact.. but perhaps its wise to let your children make up their own minds. Thats what my parents let me do about my grandmother.. and I''m glad that they did!

My grandmother is not a bad person, by any means, she is just extremely judgemental and can hardly ever say anything with out saying something negative. She has CLEAR favorite children and grandchildren (there are 14 of us grandchildren). And i find it hard not to be offended by her. When I was younger.. she was my grandma, I loved her.. but it wasn''t like we had a relationship like some grandmothers/grandchildren did..We were never close, despite the fact she lives next door to me. But as I got older, probably around the age of your oldest daughter, I realized she was really not so nice. My parents really never influenced me one way or the other on the issue.. and of course I am still friendly with my grandmother (I''m actually TOWARD the top of the list of favored grandchildren.. as I am one of the few not to make a total disaster of my life).. but she is just not a grandmother to me as I see a grandmother should be. For example..for my wedding, it seems strange to me to have her wear a corsage.. because I really don''t consider her a close family member.. you know?

 

[Big_G]

Date: 8/10/2005 1:45:58 PM
Author: kenny
Protect your kids from this poison.

Don''t allow any contact.
Explain why to them.
It is the lesser of two evils.

Agreed. Protect your kids at all costs; they are your first priority. Don''t worry about any retalitory words that your mother will have against you. Responding to them will just create more chaos. Tell your kids that they are free to contact their grandma when they turn 18. Of course, if Gma and Gpa are willing to change their behaviror then maybe reconsider. But it doesn''t sound like that is going to happen unfortunately.

Sorry that you have to make this tough decision, but as they say most decisions worthwhile in the long run usually aren''t easy to make.

 

[coconut]

First of all

..
My heart goes out to you and your husband for trying to guide your kids away from racism...

Yes, if they are very young, preventing your kids from such shocking racist environment might be the best solution in the short term......
But in the long run merely protecting them and disconnecting them from all racial prejudices will be impossible.
They will have to deal with similar situations throughout their lives...
Perhaps depending on their age, they should be constantly encouraged to think and judge for their own.

Also, do you feel comfortable disconnecting from your kids from your mom? I mean that''s not a simple issue either.
I think if it were easy, you woudn''t even be posting on the forum for ideas, huh........

Perhaps one day they can intellectually talk about how racist their grandmother and grandfather were... and how wrong it was...

The fact that this is a concern of yours is a great indicator that your children will pickup the vibe from you and your husband and stand firm against those racist remarks from your mother and her husband.

If you are worried about your children becoming racists, I think the possibility is low considering how careful and concerned you and your husband are in terms of guiding them away from such environments.

If you are worried about your children saying racist remarks... perhaps they can learn that blatant untrue racist comments are not only hurtful but showing signs of ignorance based on their experiences from their visit to CO? I''m sure if they have friends from multiple cultures and backgrounds it''ll be easier for them to understand...


It is an issue even us adults have to deal with (and it is not an easy issue)....

 

[MrsFrk]

Oh, what an awful situation! I''m so sorry. I have experience with racist relatives, but with a twist.

I was the nanny for 2 beautiful children that are half black, half white. Their black relatives came to visit, and were obsessed with the children''s hair. The boy has wavy brown hair, the girl has glorious curly hair. They kept referring to her hair as "bad hair" and saying things like "It''s a shame that baby girl got the bad hair. Nappy hair. B (her brother) got such good hair".

I was livid. Their mother was pissed, but was trying to make nice, this is her husband''s family.
Finally, I told them off...it was a bad scene, but the emotional well being of those babies is FAR, FAR more important than what they think of me. I told my employer that unless she said something, I was quitting. That galvanized her into action, she told her husband that if those relatives continued to say those things in front of the kids they were never seeing them again.

I think the same must be done with your mom and stepdad. They need to know EXACTLY why you are doing what you are doing. If your stepdad refuses to comply, and your mom sides with him, you have no choice but to cut them out.

 

[movie zombie]

Mine, you''ve been given excellent advice and/or suggestions. your children are too young to be able to write off their grandparents as just racists cranks. the racists cranks are affecting them emotionally and not just about race issues...your daughter has indicated they degrade you behind your back. yes, they will have to deal with these types of situations, but at this point they are young and dependent upon you for protection. its one thing to be in public and have them over hear a racist comment and for you to discuss it with them. it is another when they are subjected to racist tirades. not easy to do but your instincts to cut the contact is right on.

peace,movie zombie

 

[tawn]

Sometimes it''s really too bad that we can''t choose our families....and there are people in my family that I don''t associate with and would never dream of letting my son be exposed to! It''s a hard decision and it rocks the boat and I don''t envy you having to make such a difficult decison!

All of our close friends are interracial couples....White/Black, Asian/White, and Hispanic/White. When my son hears any sort of racial comment, he looks at me with big wide eyes and seems so confused why someone would say such a crazy thing. It''s a hard one to explain to kids, but he knows that all of our friends are great....and I think growing up among a mixed group of positive people will help him become a tolerant well-adjusted person!

Our friends have concerns about their children growing up belonging to different cultures as well...but that''s what America is all about!

 

[MissAva]

Racism is a terrible thing and it will eat someone alive if they let it. Perhaps your girls should not be allowed to go and visit them any longer. I dont think you should stop talking to her, just the girls. At some point she may want to change her mind but if there are only people who veiw the world in such an ignorant (no offenses I just can not abide by that stuff) manner that she may keep behaving and speaking that way.
When the girls are older you can let them make the choice to see or not see grandmother.
You could also invite her to visit you with the condition that the prejuidices stay at home.
How you deal with this sort of conflict will be a model for how your girls deal with things for the rest of their lives.