rant-wedding indifference

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I have no excitement for my wedding. I love my FI and I have no reservations about being married to him, just the wedding itself. First of all, I never had major dreams of my wedding day; I am really not that sentimental or girly, so none of this is major wish fulfillment for me. Second, most of my family is not much more sentimental, my graduation was a much bigger deal to them and to me. I don’t blame them; I am more excited about graduations in my family then weddings to. Also, my mom has never been a “wedding” person and really sees this as a chore rather than a joy. Third, my FI’s family is a total nightmare. Forth, we are fairly private people so it’s really just for family with my side who don’t care that much and his side who REALLY don’t like me.
So on top of all of that, in the almost three years of looking I have still found no way of getting the ring I want because it is so unique. It is starting to look like I am going to have to settle for something just so there will be something for the wedding. Then there are the dresses. I have a very nice body that looks good in most things but a very round face. This means that all the gowns that have little straps added on or no straps look REALLY bad on me and in two huge bridal stores I have only found one dress with a V neck and I didn’t like the dress. Plus, White/ivory make me look very red and sunburn.
I have floated the idea of elopement, but FI doesn’t really want to. Plus his family would never forgive him for it and I feel like I would cheat some of my family because a number of them have no children and I am the only girl in my generation on my father’s side of the family. All the cakes I have tried have no flavor and that is a whole other rant.
So, all the things I am supposed to love about the wedding, the dress, the ring, the cake, the family the love, I feel none of it and am not looking forward to what is going to be the most expensive event of my life.

 

[mimzy]

i'm sorry this whole thing is such a downer for you

the upside is that since no one really has any expectations, you can really make the wedding anything you want it to be, which something a lot of girls wish they could do. hate all the cakes? have cheesecake or brownies or whatever your favorite dessert is. don't look good in white or ivory, wear pale green or whatever you think is flattering. whatever else you are hating about the wedding, just change it to make it your own, something you can get excited about.don't spend money on things that aren't important to you. if you really don't care about appeasing anyone, you really only have yourselves to answer to.

even if your mom isn't all that thrilled at the idea of planning a wedding, maybe you have a friend that really enjoys them? even if they aren't in your wedding party (i'm not up to date on your threads so i'm not sure what that situation is for you...) but i think that most of us have at least one friend who is ready and willing to do or talk about anything wedding related. if your mom's indifferent attitude about the wedding puts you off, then only talk about stuff with her when you absolutely have to, instead of trying to actively involve her and then constantly getting brushed off (if that's what's happened..). that way you won't be constantly reminded of her apathy and it won't rub off on you.

how does your FI feel about the wedding? maybe if you explain how you are feeling you two can put your heads together to make it something you can both look forward to. i'm sure he wouldn't be happy to hear that you aren't even looking forward to it, even if the reasons are unrelated to him. if he isn't up for eloping, then he should definitely make an effort to make this really something special/great for you.


even if none of that helps, i hope you at least get a little pleasure out of your wedding!

 

[Independent Gal]

I hear ya! I think I only really started to get excited when we chose the venue, and then it was more ''we are going to throw a kick-a&& party for our friends!'' kind of excitement since we''re basically having the reception in a slick cocktail lounge / restaurant with a club d.j. I never really dreamed of a wedding either, and I''ve also had trouble finding an actual wedding-y wedding dress that I like.

OK, so here are my random suggestions:

1) Who says you have to wear a wedding gown?!? My dress is silver and made of actual METAL fabric! You can get away with champage, taupe, light gold, light silver... whatever you like. And if you''re feeling brave, you can go nutty and pick something really wild. My current crush for WP1 (my civil ceremony) is this little number below, for heck''s sake. Go out and find a non-wedding gown you love and wear it! Wear whatever makes you feel fab, and makes you feel like that day is different from all other days. So long as it''s not black, people will probably think it''s a awesome.

2) Find SOMETHING to feel excited about. Will you get to see people that you haven''t seen in ages? Old friend? Are there parts of your family that really know how to have a great time? Then concentrate on that. The rest is gravy.

3) As a combination of 1 & 2... free yourself from the constraint of expectations! Start from the end and work backward. What would a FUN wedding day look like? Let your mind wander free. Maybe you love kayaking? Or you really like a certain kind of food? Start from what''s fun for you, then build your wedding backward from there. No restrictions, no constraints. You have this once in a lifetime excuse to spend a lot of money on throwing a fabulous party / day for yourself and loved ones. So, maybe stop thinking of it in terms of traditional wedding and go backward from there.

4) If all else fails, consider hiring a planner. Then you can just nod toward this colour or that flower and let someone else handle it.

But at least you know you''re not alone!

 

[decodelighted]

I'm with Igal! Throw out everything you think you "know" about weddings and just think of a PARTY you'd throw -- in your "normal" life. Backyard BBQ? Picnic by the Lake? Party on a boat? Bowling lane get-together? Campground cook-out??

Once you get excited about ONE THING, one theme, one detail -- everything starts to fall together naturally.

Vintage sundresses can stand in for wedding dresses ... Cupcakes or even piles of HoHos or Cream Puffs can stand in for ho-hum stacked cake. Some folks even have PIE!

Just think about who YOU are .. what represents you as a couple & forget about what people "expect"! Maybe that will free you up to daydream & land on something you can build off of

ETA: For us ... we started out with BARN, GLASS-BOTTLED SODAS and BBQ ... & went from that! There's an old thread about Thirtysomething Brides around here that talked about the ennui around wedding planning. Don't know how old you are but ... a lot of folks weighted in & sympathized!!

 

[KimberlyH]

Ditto what they said!

I was totally not a wedding planning gal. DH and I LOVE good food and he loves to garden so we made sure to have the wedding at a place that was known for great food (a local resort) and we incorporated lots of flowers, oh, and I wanted a pretty dress and got it. Our wedding -- 28 guests total, no dancing, great background music, invites picked by mom, because she wanted to, 4 course meal, all guests seated at one table, lots of good drinks (wine for me!) -- was totally us and it was a wonderful night, I wouldn''t change a thing. I spent very little time planning, once things were put in place I just left well enough alone.

So what do you guys love? What plays a big role in your lives? And how can you turn that into a wedding? Forget tradition, plan a day that represents who you are as a couple. Ask for advice, we''re here and happy to help.

 

[littlelysser]

BIH - I felt exactly the same way. I was soooo not into the whole wedding thing. We''d been engaged over a year before we even set a wedding date. I absolutely DREADED the idea of planning a wedding. Picking invitations...dress shopping...flowers...ugh. The mere thought made me want to jump out of my skin. I used to joke that I was missing the bridal gene completely. I never dreamed of my wedding day...but I found myself with a wonderful man and we it just became time to plan the wedding.

I got married on September 1 of this year and it was the BEST day of my entire life.

We got married in our friends'' backyard. Another friend made an amazing wedding cake for us. Yet another amazing friend cooked her fantastic greens, mac ''n cheese, candied yams, etc. Another friends made this amazing Mojito Sorbet that was TO DIE FOR. We had some really faboo bbq catered by a great company. We invited 57 people. All but two showed up. It was amazing. We invited close friends and immediate family. Rented tents and tables and funky table clothes. We had a digital jukebox. Basically, it was a KILLER labor day BBQ, where DH and I got married. I didn''t walk down an aisle...before we got married, I said, "okay, we are going to do this" and we got married. I did wear an ivory dress and had my hair and make up done. No veil. We had a photographer. We had friends in jeans, dresses, whatever! Our dogs were there with us.

We totally did it the way that we wanted. And it was awesome.

And we thought about eloping, but even though I was missing the bridal gene, I totally love DH and getting married is a big deal, and I wanted my people there. You know?

So I guess my advice is to think about what you want and the people you want there...and make it happen. We didn''t spend a ton of money...it wasn''t cheap, but we didn''t go into any debt to do it.

Make it the day that you want. And wear what you want! Shoot, it is your wedding day...

Anyway, I felt the same way that you did...but ended up having the best day ever.

 

[VRBeauty]

BIH:

The only must have's for a wedding are the two people who are i n love and ready to get married -- to each other --, an officiant, and a marriage license. The rest is optional. OPTIONAL! So how much you do, and how you do it, are strictly up to you.

Written invitation? Optional
Wedding attire? Well, it's probably best that you both wear something, but other than that, it's Optionall
Flowers, guests, ring, reception? All Optional

I know it starts getting more complex than that very quickly, but I just wanted to remind you that you and your fiance are in charge here, and you don't have to conform to anyone else's ideas of what a wedding should be. Listen to each other, and you'll be fine.

 

[beebrisk]

Brazen,

I can relate...for different reasons, but I can relate.

I''m not the ''weddingy'' type either, not anymore anyway.

It''s not that I''m not ''girly'' enough, or didn''t ever dream of a big white wedding (in fact, as a teenager, I wanted to be a wedding dress designer!} I just think because I am quite a bit older than most on this board (late 40-s) it all seems a bit frivolous and wasteful to me. I would probably feel differently if I were 25.

I know that sounds like a sacrilege here on PS, but I feel so much more focused on my upcoming marriage (this is my first and my FI''s first) than I am on a wedding. I''m not at all about ''ceremony'' or sentimentality. I love my FI and look forward to my life with him. I just don''t want to have a big, fancy party!

Of course after we got engaged (a month ago) EVERYONE''s first question is "Have you set a date??"

Honestly, I can''t even think about it! I have absolutely no desire to pick color themes, bridesmaid dresses, flowers, tablecloths, favors, etc......It just isn''t at all important to me or my FI.

We too, are very private and look forward to something quiet and intimate...not a production.

Now, I''m not knocking any of the lovely brides-to-be on this board. I think weddings are wonderful, exciting celebrations. Just not for me. Just not at this point in my life.

Remember, you don''t have to celebrate your marriage in a way that you don''t want to. Don''t feel pressured. It doesn''t have to be anything you don''t want it to be....Don''t wear white if you don''t like it. How bout pretty trays of cupcakes from a favorite bakery..instead of a ''flavorless'' cake? If you don''t want it to be a chore, it shouldn''t be. It''s your day and your FI''s day. It should be yours to enjoy and savor...not to dread and go into debt for.

I think when my FI and I do get around to planning something, it will probably take about 2 weeks, start to finish. All I want is a nice luncheon for family and a (very) few friends. No band, no dancing, no videographer. I will be there to say my vows, make a promise to my love and start my marriage. No party required!

Best of luck to you...Congratulations on your engagement and may you two have many happy years together!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I am making the wedding I want insomuch as I want a wedding. I think I am just too practical to want to spend all that money on one day when I could spend it on a trip to europe or something. I think I am very much in line with Bee on that one.
I think part of my problem is that I am getting whatever I want for the wedding and I still don''t care. I got my favorite mansion in denver and I love old houses. My mom used to do seamstress work and I am trained as a beadworker so I can have the dress custom made and get the beading I love. I can get caters from any of my favorite eateries. That''s why I am so concerned. I can have whatever I want and it just doesn''t interest me. My family isn''t pushing, he is not dealing with his family and money is no object.
The only things I cannot seem to have are the ring I want and the elopement I want because my FI REALLY wants a wedding plus our familial obligations.

 

[decodelighted]

If *he* wants a wedding ... let HIM plan it!

You be the "yes dear, sounds great!" one!!!!!! When he sees how much work it is maybe he''ll change his tune on the elopement idea!

--OR---

You say you can have anything you want for the wedding but the things you list seem like things you think you SHOULD want, but may NOT actually want (or you''d be excited about them).

Maybe you need to work backwards: what DON''T you want ... FORMALITY? CROWDS? TRADITION??

---OR----

You say you''d rather have a trip to Europe. Why not get married in IRELAND?? Have a small family only wedding at a rental estate there & take off on an awesome honeymoon. The people who want to come can pay their own way -- you provide accomodations for a few nights at the rental house, throw a one night dinner party/wedding & you''re done!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Brazen,

I was in your shoes about 7 months ago. We got engaged, I wanted to elope, he wanted a wedding. We compromised, had a BEAUTIFUL, small (38 people), very non-typical wedding at an old estate on the ocean and I could not have asked for anything more perfect. Seriously, we paid for it ourselves, didn''t take a dime out of savings and even if we had spent $100,000 it wouldn''t have been even an ounce more fantastic!

And you know what? Because it was not typical and completely representative of who we are, everybody LOVED it. The fact that it was at a private home made it feel so comfortable and warm and the private, intimate setting couldn''t have been more ideal. Look, I thoguht I would HATE planning a wedding because I have no interest in it, but we really planned something we loved and it showed. Just go with what you want and I promise you will not be disappointed.

 

[onedrop]

Here is the thread that Deco mentioned in her post about the thirty-some thing bride blues, which was very enlightening. I agree with having the wedding your way and throwing out the traditonal "wedding rules." There is no reason why this can''t be a fun process!!! And what will make it fun for you is celebrating your marriage your way.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I would love to do a small thing in Europe, but my family could afford it and his family could not. Plus his family does not like my family because we have more money, so offering to help them cover it is out.
My Fi is doing a lot with the wedding. He has gone with me to the bridal fair and dress shopping, he is looking at colors and talking flower types with me. I am doing most of the planning but that is because I always do it and am a pro at it and he never has.
Everyone keeps saying throw out the rules and do it my way, but my way is no wedding. Like I said, anything I want as far as a wedding goes I can have, so that is not the problem. Agian, that is why I am so concerned.
I am sorry to whine, but I am very down to earth and that makes a wedding hard for me.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/1/2007 3:03:39 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
Like I said, anything I want as far as a wedding goes I can have, so that is not the problem. Agian, that is why I am so concerned.

I am sorry to whine, but I am very down to earth and that makes a wedding hard for me.

Okay -- now I don''t "get it". It''s like a mystery we have to figure out before we can help.

WHY are you "concerned" again? That you won''t have fun? That planning will be torture? That you''re making a mistake by caving to having a wedding at all? All of the above? None of the above?

What kind of HELP do you want from posters? Ideas of how to make it fun? Sympathy that there is no way you''ll ever enjoy anything to do with your wedding day because it won''t be exactly what you want (i.e. Elopement)??

What is it about being "down to earth" that is incompatible with "wedding"? I am as CASUAL and down-to-earth as they come & my DH & I found a way to have a suitable celebration.

Your previous assertion that you can''t find the "perfect" ring so have opted for NONE makes me consider that you might just be a perfectionist & nothing we can say or do is going to change that.

 

[onedrop]

Edited: I had a whole post typed out, but Deco said it best. All i can say is that you need to make a decision about having a wedding. Once you've made the decision, you need to make peace with that decision and move on. I think what people are saying in this thread is that there are many ways to do a wedding and have it become wedding-y. Have you seen Deco's or Travelingal's? Both of those ladies had beautiful weddings done "their" way. There are many others here on PS, but those are the two that come immediately to mind. What I am saying is that either you do the *wedding* or don't. But should you decide to go through with the wedding then accept the decision and strive for a happy medium in how you want things to come off.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I guess what I was really asking was why I am not excited. I have phrased all this really badly because of stress, but I guess I was just looking to see if other girls had this problem and if so, what they did about it.
The down to earth thing is just that I have trouble with the idea of spending so much money on one day.
as for the ring thing, when I choose the style I wanted I had no clue I would have so much trouble getting it. It is not so much that I am a perfectionist, but if look at my posts about it in the show me the ring section, you will see that I have tried everything I can think of, from looking in multiple countries, including where it was made, to custom work to looking for work from similiar desginers. I have searched the internet and Ebay in 3 languages. Ironically, the ring is really the only thing I care about because unlike everything else, I will be wearing it everyday.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/1/2007 4:06:17 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
I was just looking to see if other girls had this problem and if so, what they did about it.

Have you read this thread that's been recommended yet?? I think you'll get the answers to those two questions in a couple of minutes of reading.

As to the ring ... seeing something on the cover of a book or having such a *specific* onate, unusual thing in mind is kind of a recipe for misery. Honestly, you might not even like it on your hand if you found that very ring -- or it might be heavy & catch on things & be unworkable for everyday life -- not at all a symbol of a lasting union (versatile, rugged, eternal). BROADEN your vision. Stop searching for the needle-in-the-haystack-ideal & be CREATIVE. Maybe a stack of bands would flatter your long fingers. There's never just ONE way, or ONE ring or ONE idea ... if you work on your flexibility & adjust your expectations ... joy will come.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hey, I consider my self down to earth too (if not the scum of the earth on the bottom of your shoe, hehehe) but I managed to have myself a wedding as well...

I started that thread that onedrop posted about the thirtysomething bride blues. I just was not into it at all...

But I WAS into FUN.

Are you into fun?

Because that's what I did about it. I decided to have FUN and hope that others did too...but my priority was my fun and TGuy's fun and I figured if we were having fun, people would have fun too...and if they didn't I'd be having too much fun to notice their lack of fun.

Fun fun fun!

And fun for me didn't cost all that much. About 7K and I could have probably done it cheaper, except I wanted the ocean front venue. Invited 50 people, boozed em up, fed em and ran with it. No bloody wedding day programs, reception agenda or anything else.

Fun.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Thanks. My home computer has been acting up so I couldn''t see the other link at home, but it does help a little.
I have looked at over a dozen other options, but none of them look good on my rather unusual fingers. They are a size 3 1/2 but my ring finger is 3 inches long, plus I have larger knucles and I really don''t like diamonds, so I have been having a lot of trouble. The problem is that most antique looking rings are either not north south or they are very heavy, neither of which works on my finger. It never occured to me when I started that finding a victorian/edwardian/art nouveau/natural style ring that fit those three specifications would be so hard.

 

[Sha]

Hm. You do sound really bored and indifferent about everything. That tone comes across a lot in your posts. Do you think you REALLY want to get married? Would you be excited if you eloped, or would you be indifferent as well?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I love my FI and I do want to be married to him and I am very excited for the honeymoon, so I think eloping would excite me because I love to travel.

I want to apologize for my being whiney earlier. This whole thing has put a lot of stress on my and my FI and that made me come across more aggresive in my posts then I feel. I guess I am just frustrated at myself for not being happy when by all acounts I should be and because the only thing I am not indifferent about is not working for me. I think that is the other thing about the ring that bugs me. I have always been able to use my persitance and creativity to get something when I really want it and this ring is truely the first time in my life that has not been true. It makes me sound spoiled, but there are rarely things that I want that badly and most of those I managed through sheer hard work. I have put more time into this ring then I suspect I will in the whole wedding and I am no closer than I was when I started looking. Maybe that''s what''s bothering me too. I can have anything I want except the thing I want

Anyway, thank you for your help. It may not have seemed like it but it is much appreciated.

 

[littlelysser]

I have to say I agree with the other posters...

I don't really get what you saying.

You don't seem to be even remotely excited about getting married to your FI.

You say you don't care about the wedding and referred to it as the most expensive event on your life...but then you say money is no object...you seem pretty conflicted about what is going on. It totally boggled my mind when I heard about people spending $50K plus on a wedding...but if that is what they want to do, well, good for them. It clearly isn't what you want to do. So why are you renting a big venue and going all the big, traditional, crazy expensive wedding ballyhoo? I don't get it. Bridal fairs and talking colors and flower types? That sounds like the exact opposite of what you want.

Isn't your FI willing to compromise at all, seeing as how miserable this all makes you? And really, if you can't see that there is a HUGE difference between no wedding at all and the big, very traditional wedding you are planning...well, then it seems like you can't compromise either.

And your tone is super negative. It isn't that you can't have the ring you want, you just haven't found it yet. Big difference there. See what I mean?

Lastly, I consider myself pretty darn down to earth. And I planned a pretty killer wedding...the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Just my two cents, for whatever it is worth.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/1/2007 6:16:03 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
I have always been able to use my persitance and creativity to get something when I really want it and this ring is truly the first time in my life that has not been true.

Well that explains why it''s so hard for you. In the nicest possible way: GET USED TO IT. Learning to tolerate frustration & find compromise is part of maturing ... not to mention ... a HUGE part of marriage!

I have put more time into this ring then I suspect I will in the whole wedding and I am no closer than I was when I started looking. Maybe that''s what''s bothering me too. I can have anything I want except the thing I want

Is it the "perfect one-of-a-kind, book-cover" RING you want, or the MAN? It sounds like you may be losing the forest through the trees here. Take a step back. It''s not all about you anymore. It''s about *him* and your family & his family & your friends & the unit you make as *a couple*. Maybe the bridezilla business encourages this kind of "me,me,me" entitlement but *I* won''t.

Maybe after a day or two you''ll feel more able to consider your options & start taking actions. A lot of people on here have recommended a book on engagement ... can''t recall the name ... but the premise is that engagements & wedding planning IS NOT just a blissful trip to la-la land for most gals ... but a complicated time fraught with all sorts of conflict and dissapointement and flaking friends and ego battles and family drama and COMPROMISE. You''re certainly not the only person to encounter this. And you will get through it if you choose to.

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

I can see why you might be surprised or confused by your emotions during this time when everyone expects you to be happy about planning your wedding.

I''m wondering if your reluctance to plan this wedding and your inability to find a satisfactory ring are not signs that you don''t want to marry this guy, but that you have valid emotions that you need to resolve before you can be happy, happy, HAPPY

, like everyone expects you to be.

You might consider reading "The Consious Bride" or "Emotionally Engaged". I plan on reading them when I get engaged so I''ll understand some of the less bridelike emotions I may have before my wedding.

I have no doubt that you will figure out how to get exactly what you want once you put your mind to it.

 

[beebrisk]

Okay...so let''s see what we can do here for you.

First of all...if you can''t find the ring you want, perhaps you can go the custom route? Especially if money is no object, why not ''design your own'' and have it made for you? Of course it won''t be an "antique", but it can look exactly like one. You would have control over the whole process and this might take some of the anxiety out of it.

Second...In a few of your posts it sounds like you have something in mind that WILL make you happy, but the obstacle in each case, seems to be your FI''s parents (They won''t go overseas, they don''t like you, they are uncomfortable that your family has more money). So how about you talk to your FI about all that?? I mean really communicate how they make you feel and how he can help make a little peace between you. Many converging families have conflicts just like this, but it''s how you deal with it as a couple that matters. None of the issues you have with each other seem insurmountable, so why not start working on it now, instead of carrying bad feelings into the marriage? Perhaps if some of the air was cleared now, you''d feel more enjoyment and be able to relax?

Thirdly...How bout you guys stop talking wedding altogether? Why not "let it be" for awhile. Be engaged and enjoy it. There''s nothing that says you need to be married in a specific time frame. Take this time off to really evaluate what you are feeling and why. Get your FI involved. Talk. Work out the conflict between families if possible. Put the wedding on the back burner. You don''t have to do this until you are ready. You don''t have to be breathless about it all, but it would be so much nicer for you, your FI and your family if you were anticipating it, as opposed to dreading your wedding.

My 2 cents.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Thank you. I guess I just neeeded to hear that my not being excited about this somehow proves I don't love my FI.
His family is a huge problem, but my FI is always wonderful about it and always stands up for me. I could tell some REALLY awful stories, but that would take up a much larger topic.
I think part of the problem is because I don't really like parties, the people that will be there I see fairly frequently and I never really dreamed about my wedding day is that I don't see the point. What I want is to be with the man I love and I have that. I guess that is a lot of it. I see travel or the hoeymoon as something exciting or different but since I am not really social, a party just doesn't make me feel like celebrating in the same way.
I am planning the wedding I want in so far as weddings go. The mansion is nice, but it sounds much bigger than it is because in Denver mansion is not a major thing. The reception will be held in a ballroom in the basement that was orgininally a bowling alley when the house was built. Plus, we are looking at 75 people or less.
Unfortunately with the ring, I had a custom wax made that did not look anything like the piece it is modeled on. Having the wedding is a huge compromise from me, but I have trouble compromising on the ring. I hate the idea that everytime I look at the symbol of our love it will make me think about compromising when I got everything I wanted in my FI. I would rather keep looking for something I truely love then using something that is expedient just because the wedding is coming up. But then, I have been looking for 2 1/2 years and have had no luck.

 

[Sha]

Date: 10/1/2007 10:01:24 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
Thank you. I guess I just neeeded to hear that my not being excited about this somehow proves I don't love my FI.

... I hate the idea that everytime I look at the symbol of our love it will make me think about compromising when I got everything I wanted in my FI. I would rather keep looking for something I truely love then using something that is expedient just because the wedding is coming up. But then, I have been looking for 2 1/2 years and have had no luck.

Still...why do you need that reassurance that you do love your FI even though you're not excited about the wedding? It sounds like it's something you doubt.

It also sounds that you're spending a lot of energy searching for "the ring". Two and a half years? Wow.

It sounds like you are looking for the PERFECT ring. I know you want something you truly love, but in the final analysis it's just a symbol - the committment that you have with your fiance is the real deal. I think you might be putting a bit too much energy into it. The ring is only a small part of the equation of marriage - it really shouldn't absorb so much of your emotions and energy. So what if it's not EXACTLY like you wanted? So what if you have to compromise and get something else? It's not the end of the world... whether it's the ONE thing you truly wanted or not.

It sounds like you've been accustomed to getting the things in life that you REALLY want, by your own efforts, and it bothers you that you can't have this ONE thing that means so much to you. I think that you have to let that idea go, otherwise you'll end up getting really disappointed again for some other minute thing that you "can't get" in the future.

 

[Hera]

Date: 10/1/2007 10:01:24 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
Thank you. I guess I just neeeded to hear that my not being excited about this somehow proves I don''t love my FI.
His family is a huge problem, but my FI is always wonderful about it and always stands up for me. I could tell some REALLY awful stories, but that would take up a much larger topic.
I think part of the problem is because I don''t really like parties, the people that will be there I see fairly frequently and I never really dreamed about my wedding day is that I don''t see the point. What I want is to be with the man I love and I have that. I guess that is a lot of it. I see travel or the hoeymoon as something exciting or different but since I am not really social, a party just doesn''t make me feel like celebrating in the same way.
I am planning the wedding I want in so far as weddings go. The mansion is nice, but it sounds much bigger than it is because in Denver mansion is not a major thing. The reception will be held in a ballroom in the basement that was orgininally a bowling alley when the house was built. Plus, we are looking at 75 people or less.
Unfortunately with the ring, I had a custom wax made that did not look anything like the piece it is modeled on. Having the wedding is a huge compromise from me, but I have trouble compromising on the ring. I hate the idea that everytime I look at the symbol of our love it will make me think about compromising when I got everything I wanted in my FI. I would rather keep looking for something I truely love then using something that is expedient just because the wedding is coming up. But then, I have been looking for 2 1/2 years and have had no luck.

Maybe you could find a way to look at your situation in a glass half full kind of way. If you don''t like weddings that''s fine, but maybe you could try to find a way to give your fiance what he wants. Marriage is a give and take relationship and a wedding is a good place to start.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Anderson, he is getting the wedding he wants. Maybe that is why the ring is so important, becuase it is the one thing in all of this I want. For people who think I should compromise on the ring, look up my threads in the ring section and you can see what my problem is. Like I said, I want something not diamond, north south orientation, not "heavy" and that looks either natural like leaves or a fairly ornate older style then art deco which I do not like. If you have suggestions on how to find something that fits these qualifiications for someone with skeletal fingers like mine then I would love the help. It is not that I have to have that ring, but it is suprisingly hard to find any rings that look good, east west rings look dwarfed by the length of my fingers and healvy ones look very silly on my extremely thin fingers.

 

[Hera]

Date: 9/30/2007 8:40:15 PM
Author:brazen_irish_hussy
I have no excitement for my wedding. I love my FI and I have no reservations about being married to him, just the wedding itself. First of all, I never had major dreams of my wedding day; I am really not that sentimental or girly, so none of this is major wish fulfillment for me. Second, most of my family is not much more sentimental, my graduation was a much bigger deal to them and to me. I don’t blame them; I am more excited about graduations in my family then weddings to. Also, my mom has never been a “wedding” person and really sees this as a chore rather than a joy. Third, my FI’s family is a total nightmare. Forth, we are fairly private people so it’s really just for family with my side who don’t care that much and his side who REALLY don’t like me.
So on top of all of that, in the almost three years of looking I have still found no way of getting the ring I want because it is so unique. It is starting to look like I am going to have to settle for something just so there will be something for the wedding. Then there are the dresses. I have a very nice body that looks good in most things but a very round face. This means that all the gowns that have little straps added on or no straps look REALLY bad on me and in two huge bridal stores I have only found one dress with a V neck and I didn’t like the dress. Plus, White/ivory make me look very red and sunburn.
I have floated the idea of elopement, but FI doesn’t really want to. Plus his family would never forgive him for it and I feel like I would cheat some of my family because a number of them have no children and I am the only girl in my generation on my father’s side of the family. All the cakes I have tried have no flavor and that is a whole other rant.
So, all the things I am supposed to love about the wedding, the dress, the ring, the cake, the family the love, I feel none of it and am not looking forward to what is going to be the most expensive event of my life.

I''m referring to the fact that if you''re giving him the wedding he wants then why does it seem you''re so disappointed in everything? You don''t like the dresses, the cake, the inlaws etc. In giving him the wedding and seeing the glass half full maybe you can find a way to set yourself aside for one day to give him the wedding he wants.