Ready to get married or engaged?

[4ever]

I''ve been thinking about this abit lately. Are you ladies in waiting eagerly for the proposal because your ready to get married, or waiting for the proposal as the "next step" towards marrige?

I think I fall into camp B. BF and I are ready for and looking forwards to the next step towards getting married, but not quite ready to get married yet. So it will probably be a fairly long (2-3 years) engagment. I like taking things slow.

Which camp do you ladies fall into?

 

[princesss]

I am in Camp A. I do not believe in getting engaged until you are ready to make that commitment. As in, the day I get engaged I would be willing to get married. I don''t see engagement as a step in itself, I believe it is showing that you are actively planning a wedding. I don''t want to stretch my legs and get comfortable. Ideally, I''d be engaged for under 6 months, but if neither of us wanted a wedding and we just wanted to be married, I would walk to the courthouse that day.

 

[MrsHToBe]

A little from column A, and a little from column B. Personally, I''d get married in a heartbeat, but FF is highly cautious about his financial situation, and would like a longer engagement (to save, and not go into debt).
We''ve been together for 8½ years, have lived together for 7½, and have a (n almost) 5-year-old DD, so we have a huge commitment already.. if not a marriage right away, I''d at least like the next step sooner-than-later! I''ve been waiting foreverrrrr.

 

[kittybean]

I saw it as both. In my church, engagement is an important "step" in a couple''s relationship as they are then preparing for marriage (taking classes, going to pre-marital counseling, etc.). I went through this step and saw it as valuable, but I, on a personal level, only felt truly ready to get engaged once I felt ready to be married. I felt I needed to be able to say to myself, "I''d marry this guy today and begin our life together right now," before I could accept his proposal. To me, ready to be engaged meant ready to be married, even though I had to go through the engagement phase in order to be married in my church. Although I''ve seen it work wonderfully for others, an engagement of more than one year was definitely not for me!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

At this point, I am in camp A. I would like to begin the next chapter of my life with my BF and I see the engagement as the first step towards that.

 

[suchende]

Date: 8/12/2009 10:14:00 PM
Author: princesss
I am in Camp A. I do not believe in getting engaged until you are ready to make that commitment. As in, the day I get engaged I would be willing to get married. I don''t see engagement as a step in itself, I believe it is showing that you are actively planning a wedding. I don''t want to stretch my legs and get comfortable. Ideally, I''d be engaged for under 6 months, but if neither of us wanted a wedding and we just wanted to be married, I would walk to the courthouse that day.

i agree with this. in a previous engagement, i remember being a little taken aback by people asking me about wedding plans, because i wasn''t even thinking about getting married, just about "being engaged," whatever i thought that meant. i see now that that was a sign of me not being ready for engagement or marriage.

 

[stepcutgirl]

Date: 8/12/2009 10:14:00 PM
Author: princesss
I am in Camp A. I do not believe in getting engaged until you are ready to make that commitment. As in, the day I get engaged I would be willing to get married. I don't see engagement as a step in itself, I believe it is showing that you are actively planning a wedding. I don't want to stretch my legs and get comfortable. Ideally, I'd be engaged for under 6 months, but if neither of us wanted a wedding and we just wanted to be married, I would walk to the courthouse that day.

+1

 

[misskitty]

Date: 8/12/2009 10:14:00 PM
Author: princesss
I am in Camp A. I do not believe in getting engaged until you are ready to make that commitment. As in, the day I get engaged I would be willing to get married. I don''t see engagement as a step in itself, I believe it is showing that you are actively planning a wedding. I don''t want to stretch my legs and get comfortable. Ideally, I''d be engaged for under 6 months, but if neither of us wanted a wedding and we just wanted to be married, I would walk to the courthouse that day.

This is me. I''m firmly in Camp A, but I know that B would like to have everything (essentially) planned before the proposal happens. It''s a really interesting juncture, because we''re both finding the need to compromise on wedding plans (I want to elope/have a suuuuper small destination wedding, he''s into the whole shebang with everyone we know present) and need to reach a compromise before we can decide on anything else. So, while my mind is on Team A for this issue, my heart may lead me to a situation that makes both of us happy.

 

[Lilac]

I remember being so excited to get engaged as the next step, but only because that meant I was closer to marrying my husband. From the first week we started dating we knew we wanted to get married, so we had been eagerly waiting for several years already. The day we got engaged we began counting down till our wedding because we so desperately wanted to be married to each other. I hated the engagement period because not only was it was sooo stressful, but the entire time the ONLY thing I wanted was for us to finally be married to each other! I was completely ready to get married, and so was he. If we could have skipped the whole engagement we would have and gone straight to marriage.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

I''d say more camp B than A.
I want a longish engagement. I think you need enough time to really figure out how you are going to deal with every aspect of marriage.
I don''t want to rush it.

 

[Dannielle]

We would of been engaged a little over 2 years by the time we get married.

I would of married FI the day he proposed but we have had to take the time to save up enough money for the wedding (We really don''t want to go in to debt) so that is why our engagement in rather lengthy

So, I guess I fall into A.

 

[Magpie09]

Date: 8/12/2009 10:14:00 PM
Author: princesss
I am in Camp A. I do not believe in getting engaged until you are ready to make that commitment. As in, the day I get engaged I would be willing to get married. I don''t see engagement as a step in itself, I believe it is showing that you are actively planning a wedding. I don''t want to stretch my legs and get comfortable. Ideally, I''d be engaged for under 6 months, but if neither of us wanted a wedding and we just wanted to be married, I would walk to the courthouse that day.

I totally agree with this. I also believe it depends on why you are not ready to get married yet as well. A long engagement is ok if you need to save up to pay for the wedding or other factors get in the way of getting married straight away. If on the other hand you want a long engagement because you aren''t sure you want to marry the person or aren''t ready personally to get married i think engagement should wait until after you are sure that''s what you want. Not saying this is you, but just an example.

My S.O and I have started talking about marriage however neither of us are ready to get married yet and i know that when the proposal does come that my S.O. would be ready to get married as soon as wedding planning allows. Tpo us the next step towards marriage is moving in together.

 

[katomm]

Date: 8/12/2009 10:07:06 PM
Author:4ever
I''ve been thinking about this abit lately. Are you ladies in waiting eagerly for the proposal because your ready to get married, or waiting for the proposal as the ''next step'' towards marrige?

I think I fall into camp B. BF and I are ready for and looking forwards to the next step towards getting married, but not quite ready to get married yet. So it will probably be a fairly long (2-3 years) engagment. I like taking things slow.

Which camp do you ladies fall into?

For us I think we''re in different ones. I''m ready to get married, would do it today with no hesitation. BF is ready to be engaged but to him that means getting married shortly after, like within a month. We''ve both been married before, I had a long engagement for mine and he had zero engagement so I think he just wants a few weeks to be able to say the word. LOL

 

[bobbin]

I want a longish engagement. But I feel ready to be married. I want a longish engagement because I want to be able to enjoy that next level of commitment without having to rush into wedding planning etc. So maybe I fall between the camps?

 

[purselover]

Date: 8/13/2009 12:46:08 AM
Author: stepcutgirl

Date: 8/12/2009 10:14:00 PM
Author: princesss
I am in Camp A. I do not believe in getting engaged until you are ready to make that commitment. As in, the day I get engaged I would be willing to get married. I don''t see engagement as a step in itself, I believe it is showing that you are actively planning a wedding. I don''t want to stretch my legs and get comfortable. Ideally, I''d be engaged for under 6 months, but if neither of us wanted a wedding and we just wanted to be married, I would walk to the courthouse that day.

+1

+2

 

[purselover]

Date: 8/12/2009 10:07:06 PM
Author:4ever
I''ve been thinking about this abit lately. Are you ladies in waiting eagerly for the proposal because your ready to get married, or waiting for the proposal as the ''next step'' towards marrige?

I think I fall into camp B. BF and I are ready for and looking forwards to the next step towards getting married, but not quite ready to get married yet. So it will probably be a fairly long (2-3 years) engagment. I like taking things slow.

Which camp do you ladies fall into?

I really don''t mean this in any type of snarky way, but I''m just curious what is the point of being engaged if you''re not ready to get married?

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Date: 8/13/2009 9:38:38 AM
Author: purselover

Date: 8/12/2009 10:07:06 PM
Author:4ever
I''ve been thinking about this abit lately. Are you ladies in waiting eagerly for the proposal because your ready to get married, or waiting for the proposal as the ''next step'' towards marrige?

I think I fall into camp B. BF and I are ready for and looking forwards to the next step towards getting married, but not quite ready to get married yet. So it will probably be a fairly long (2-3 years) engagment. I like taking things slow.

Which camp do you ladies fall into?

I really don''t mean this in any type of snarky way, but I''m just curious what is the point of being engaged if you''re not ready to get married?

That probably depends on whether you mean emotionally ready or ready in other ways.
Getting engaged when you are not 100% sure that this is the man you want to marry would probably be a foolish idea.
However, not being "ready" in the sense that you want to save up money for the wedding and your life together first, is perfectly reasonable. I don''t know if there are people who start saving up before they get engaged, but that feels a bit like putting the carriage before the horse.
I think going for extensive pre-marital counselling run by professionals is also a good idea, and that takes time too.

 

[absolut_blonde]

I''m more than ready to be married at this point. In many ways it is like we already are anyway.

I''d say a year ago, I was in camp B. Now I am in camp A. I almost want to say ''I want to get it over with'' though that sounds really bad. At this point I just don''t want a long engagement, I think that time has passed.

 

[Erinleigh]

Date: 8/12/2009 10:14:00 PM
Author: princesss
I am in Camp A. I do not believe in getting engaged until you are ready to make that commitment. As in, the day I get engaged I would be willing to get married. I don''t see engagement as a step in itself, I believe it is showing that you are actively planning a wedding. I don''t want to stretch my legs and get comfortable. Ideally, I''d be engaged for under 6 months, but if neither of us wanted a wedding and we just wanted to be married, I would walk to the courthouse that day.

+1 well said princess! And FF feels the same way. I''m glad to know that when we get engaged, he''s asking me because he''s ready to marry me then!

 

[CurlySue]

I''d be happy to run off and get married tomorrow and skip the engagement altogether... so I''m firmly in Camp A.

 

[LilyKat]

I am very firmly in Camp A. I see engagement as the start of officially planning the wedding, not the marriage. I think the serious discussions about how to work through difficult issues in marriage should take place before engagement, not afterwards. I wouldn''t get engaged unless I was ready to marry him right there and then - emotionally, logistically and financially.

But that''s just me. I know others who were engaged for years because they weren''t ready to actually marry (for whatever reason) and were perfectly happy with it. Just make sure you and your SO are on the same page with what engagement means to you both.

 

[nkarma]

MARRIED!!! Like tomorrow. We do need to start saving up for the wedding but I don''t want to bring it up cause there is no engagement yet.

 

[pluck15]

I''m definitely in camp A. I''m so ready to be married and be able to live with my SO as his wife. Now, that''s not to say that I won''t enjoy our time being engaged and getting to be "that happy couple" and all the parties and such. But if I had to choose, I''d definitely take being married over just being engaged. I want to be with him and start our life and family together. I will be one of those fiances that jumps right into planning the very next day!!!

FF is also in camp A though, so that is a good sign He says he wants to skip all the planning and just go straight to the honeymoon

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/13/2009 11:38:31 AM
Author: CurlySue
I''d be happy to run off and get married tomorrow and skip the engagement altogether... so I''m firmly in Camp A.

Ditto! I thought I wanted to get engaged as ''the next step,'' but we are both really ready and excited to get married... The courthouse calls me in my sleep, I swear!

 

[daydreamer]

I''m in Camp A, though I can understand the emotional benefit in making a firmer commitment to each other without plans for imminent marriage. This happened to me when we moved in together. Even though we''d already been together 3 years, I felt a definite shift. I felt much calmer, less anxious about planning our lives together even without the specific marriage plans.

 

[ckrickett]

I would love to get married right away but I have to be realistic.

1- We are probably going to be paying for the wedding ourselves (or most of it) so I''d like not to start our life together with a huge debt, and that means we need to save save save, and that takes time time time!
2- I''m in a bit of a credit dilemma (ID theft and housing mistakes) and my credit is bad, his credit is spotless and I wouldn''t want to ruin that SO I would like to be on my way to fixing my credit before we tied the knot, estimated time for that to occur, about 2 years.
3- I want to enjoy being engaged. I don;t want to stress about plans and i want to take my time to get to the alter, there is no real rush for me.

 

[4ever]

Date: 8/13/2009 9:38:38 AM
Author: purselover

Date: 8/12/2009 10:07:06 PM
Author:4ever
I''ve been thinking about this abit lately. Are you ladies in waiting eagerly for the proposal because your ready to get married, or waiting for the proposal as the ''next step'' towards marrige?

I think I fall into camp B. BF and I are ready for and looking forwards to the next step towards getting married, but not quite ready to get married yet. So it will probably be a fairly long (2-3 years) engagment. I like taking things slow.

Which camp do you ladies fall into?

I really don''t mean this in any type of snarky way, but I''m just curious what is the point of being engaged if you''re not ready to get married?

It''s not that I''m not ready but that I want to enjoy the engagement as an event itself as the wedding is likely to be a long time after that. We both want a long engagement and I don''t want to rush into wedding planning right when I''ll have left University and be looking for a job and focusing on that. Then there''s getting money for the wedding, sorting out which country we''re going to live in etc. BF is still sorting out exactly what he wants to do in his life. We know we will get married and the wedding will be a while off, so you may think we sould just wait untill the times right to get married....we probably should, but we don''t want to. By getting engaged we promise that we will marry each other, I think that''s enough to tide us over untill all these other things sort themselves out.

Hope that explains it properly? I totally get where your coming from though.

 

[4ever]

Date: 8/13/2009 5:37:30 PM
Author: ckrickett
I would love to get married right away but I have to be realistic.

1- We are probably going to be paying for the wedding ourselves (or most of it) so I''d like not to start our life together with a huge debt, and that means we need to save save save, and that takes time time time!
2- I''m in a bit of a credit dilemma (ID theft and housing mistakes) and my credit is bad, his credit is spotless and I wouldn''t want to ruin that SO I would like to be on my way to fixing my credit before we tied the knot, estimated time for that to occur, about 2 years.
3- I want to enjoy being engaged. I don;t want to stress about plans and i want to take my time to get to the alter, there is no real rush for me.

This is how I feel too- I don''t what to spend the whole time I''m enged stressing over wedding plans. I want atleast 1 years where we can enjoy our new relationship status and look forward to what''s ahead before I start hounding him about dress colours, tables runners and center peices.

I would really like BF and I to undergo some kind of pre-marital course before we tie the knot too, but since neither of us is religious, I''m really not sure how to go about this. I think it sounds both really sensable, and kinda fun

(though BF may disagree with me on this.lol)

 

[4ever]

Date: 8/13/2009 3:00:56 PM
Author: daydreamer
I''m in Camp A, though I can understand the emotional benefit in making a firmer commitment to each other without plans for imminent marriage. This happened to me when we moved in together. Even though we''d already been together 3 years, I felt a definite shift. I felt much calmer, less anxious about planning our lives together even without the specific marriage plans.

Ahh, other people are so much better at explaining this then I am!

I think that happened with us also, we were so rush rush on getting enaged and then married.....and then we moved in together and everything got more content and there was less of that need for more comitment.

 

[ticktock]

I''m Definitely camp A - ready to get married! Although I don''t want to rush the engagement process, planning, etc, I see engagement as "Yes, I want to get married, and if I had to , I''d do it tomorrow." To me engagement doesn''t seem like the next step, but rather a time for the couple to plan their lives together. I really think it depends on your beliefs about marriage, how you were raised, etc. A lot of my friends were raised to believe that a man HAS to ask a woman''s father before proposing, while my parents have never even mentioned "asking permission." While I think it would be nice, traditional, etc, for my boyfriend to ask my dad first, it isn''t a requirement by any means. I think both options you presented in your post are equally valid and important...it just depends on your personal feelings, background, etc.