Really need advice and support...getting quite depressed

[misscuppycake]

Girls, I just...really need someone. I''ve talked to friends, I''ve talked to relatives, but there are biases everywhere and if I could just get some solid advice and support, that might just be the thing that saves me emotionally. I have gotten quite depressed and resentful, and I feel like I''m not making it here (even though I know I will).

As a little reminder because I know I''m not a rampant poster: I was the one whose parents didn''t approve of the boyfriend, strict Asian mother/father, lots of rules and "hold" on my life.

Well my boyfriend and I broke up and it has been the hardest thing I''ve ever had to go through...mostly because he keeps saying that he still loves me just as much as he always did. But he wants to give up because he sees no light at the end of the tunnel. He thinks my parents will never change, he thinks I''ll never stand up to them, and he just can''t get past this. He says every day of this breakup has been torture for him and he doesn''t know what to do with himself. Yet he''s trying so hard not to budge. We broke up last Tuesday and saw each other Saturday night. I tried to convince him that I could make a change, that I WOULD stand up to my parents and that night, he held me in his arms and we cried and cried. He said he still loved me, but he said I was making it a million times harder by physically being there because he just wanted to love and hug me despite the fact that he KNEW it was wrong (in his mind). Inevitably, he still stuck to his guns and said he just couldn''t do it anymore. That he''d been depressed for nearly a year and a half because he was never allowed to see me, I could never come over when he really needed me, our phone calls were limited, and I wasn''t even allowed to sleepover at his place. Ever. (All rules of my parents).

I begged and pleaded and said I would make a change, but he wondered if I could do it, why I hadn''t done it sooner. And thus what proof did I have since the track record was poor.

I don''t want to give up. I WANT to keep trying. I''m ready to stand up to my parents (well, it sure feels like I''m ready considering I just lost something super important and all because they finally chased him away). I don''t want to let him go but he''s trying to push me. His logic is: If we give this relationship another chance, the whole parents thing may STILL crumble in the end, and then he will never break up with me because he can''t go through this pain one more time. Then he thinks we will live a life of misery, with my parents as our life-burden.

Now I WANT to prove to him that I''m finally willing to take a stand. For myself and for him. But...I guess what I''m asking here is, what really is the limit? When should I give up? When is this no longer worth it?

I really do love him. We were going to get married. And in my heart, I still know we''re meant to be.

But when is it too far.

P.S. He did mention that maybe in the future if we were both single and he could see that my parents had FINALLY loosened their grip on me, then he couldn''t imagine why we wouldn''t get back together. But that''s such a big if. How long would we really have to wait, how long would we be single, etc. I DON''T want to have to hold out like this because then I will develop false hope.

Okay, I''m done now. Thanks for readng all that

 

[sugarjo]

I feel for you right now. You must really be hurting. I can''t offer much, but what I can tell you (as for standing up to your parents goes) is to tell them that the only people who know if your relationship is right for you, are the people in your relationship. YOU AND YOUR HONEY. I''m sure it will be incredibly difficult to stand up to them and be on your own, but in 5, 10, 20 years do you want to be looking back and saying, "wow, I really wish I''ve had the guts to stick up for myself."

Just a thought, please keep us updated.

 

[FrekeChild]

First of all, I can''t forget you Misscuppycake, because I love your avatar.

Second, are you ready to make that kind of sacrifice for him? Are you willing to essentially pick him over your family? And is it even feasible for you to do that financially?

Here are a few questions I think you need to ask yourself, and think hard about (you don''t need to answer them here):

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Is he still there?

Where do you see yourself in 15 years? Is he still there?

Do you think your parents will ever come around?

What will change if you choose him?

What will change if you choose your parents?

Can you sit down with your parents and try to rationally explain the situation without getting emotional and while being assertive? That you love them, that you respect them, but that you have to choose your own path in life? The key here is not getting emotional.

Perhaps you should write a pros and cons list, see how that goes.

And what is your heart telling you to do?

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

CuppyCake... Major hugs. Your situation breaks my heart

From your description, it sounds like he''s very sad to be leaving the relationship and this is hurting him a great deal. And while he''s sad to lose you, maybe he''s hesitant to tear you away from your parents and reluctant to believe that you''re willing to sever a relationship with them (as it sounds like you may have to, if they''re THAT upset about your relationship with him)

If you''re ready and willing, I would tell him that you ARE going to defy your parents'' wishes and focus on your romantic relationship, and that you need him in your life-- You''re prepared to do what it takes to salvage your relationship with him. If he still insists that the two of you be separated, perhaps there''s an underlying reason for his ending the relationship. If his only complaint is your parents, and you''re actively trying to remedy that situation, and he truly loves you, I can''t see why he would refuse. Perhaps the fear of future in-laws who will never approve of him? I''m sure that''s emotionally straining/draining... But only he can answer that question.

As for the "maybe some day in the future..." I never buy that line, nor do I have faith in it. When you really, really want something, hardly ever will environmental circumstances keep you from what you want. I feel like "maybe in the future" is a feel-good cop-out to instill hope in both parties regarding something they feel is otherwise hopeless.

This isn''t meant to be a downer: It truly sounds like his love for you is sincere and true and deep. Cuppy, if you''re REALLY willing to do what it takes to make the relationship free of your parents influence, "walk the talk." Prove it to him. Show him. Tell him you''re willing to risk it all for him. If he doesn''t respond positively to that, to your willingness to leave behind a parent-daughter relationship, then start the healing process and move on. But before any of this, make sure YOU are willing to risk what you have with your parents. Even as an adult, life can be tough and scary without "mom and dad" (who i''m positive love you, as well)

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Wow... I can''t imagine how torn you must feel.

If you don''t mind me asking- how old are you? Are you old enough to survive on your own away from your parents?

The way I see it, you''ve got 2 options (and neither are going to be easy):

1. You go after the man of your dreams- you love him, and he loves you. You want to spend EVERY day of your life with him. You want to share all of yourself with him through the committment of marriage. He makes you happy. But... you feel that you''ll push away your parents, who also love you dearly. You said that they were strict Asian parents- so I don''t know how much of a cultural role is being played there, but I don''t think it''s normal for parents to forbid their sons/daughters from making their own decision in life. Would your boyfriend let you move in with him? What would your parents do if you finally decided to leave them and make a life for yourself? YOU have to live YOUR life. Your parents are not going to be there one day- then what will you do? Also, if you start dating someone else, what are the odds that they will approve of someone new? If you stay attached to your parents, you may be setting yourself up for misery in life. At some point, you need to let go and do what makes you happy.

2. You stay with your parents and respect their wishes- if it is a cultural thing, then I can understand choosing family over love. Maybe things weren''t meant to work out between you and your SO. Maybe one day, someone will come along that is so in love with you that he won''t care how your parents are or whether they like him. Maybe one day, your parents will love the new guy you''re dating, then you can start your own family.

It''s hard for me to imagine doing everything my parents say: not being able to go see my boyfriend, not being able to talk to him, not being able to spend the night with him... it just sounds unreasonalble to me!

If you''re ready to stand up to your parents, then do it. Tell them how miserable you are. Tell them how much you love your man.

If you want to be really bold, tell him to come over and sit your SO and your parents down and talk to them both at the same time. Tell them that you are going to start making your own decisions in life, and that you''re going to do what makes you happy in life.

I think you''re going too far with allowing your family to push away your SO, though. It sounds crazy to me. I really hope that you can work up the courage to talk to them and talk to him. I think you''re ready for this in your life...

 

[misscuppycake]

Thank you so for for all this advice. I''ll try to answer questions that need clearing up.

I''m 22 years old and I''m currently in my last year of school. By July 31, 2009 I will have my full teaching certificate and will likely be hired on to the sub list for Sep 2009. Currently I have quite a bit in savings (over 20 thousand), although I will admit that I was hoping I wouldn''t have to blow it all on "one year of crazy defiance to finally fly from the coop". Either way though, financially it IS possible and I AM old enough to survive out there on my own. I was trying to finish off this year and just sort of get by, but s/o couldn''t take it anymore. He figures after a 3.5 year year relationship, things should be different. He wanted us to move in together at around the 2 year mark but I fought him tooth and nail, saying my parents would kill me. Etc.

Innately, I do feel some sort of submission to my parents but I don''t really think it''s realistic for me to say it''s purely love. It''s more fear. I cannot deny that my mother is still physically violent to this day if she feels she needs to be. I am SCARED. I won''t deny it. I love my (ex) s/o a lot and I feel like I could do anything for him, but the reason I haven''t gotten my butt in gear is not reverance to my parents but sheer fear. My mother is not easygoing; she is manipulative, violent, and has never NOT gotten her way. She is educated, wealthy, and so powerful my own father is scared of her. I''ll try not to delve too far into the family stuff but there are definitely issues there.

But I love him...this is all so unfair to me.

 

[fieryred33143]

Here''s the thing from my perspective.

I get that your family is strict and honestly, with strict parents you will never find someone that is good enough.

That said, your parents have legitimate reasons why they don''t like him. And instead of making himself a better person and listen to their concerns about his lifestyle, he continues to be who he is. Your parents just want him to do something better with his life and he doesn''t want to or even tries.

If he won''t go the extra mile to prove to your parents that he can take care of their little girl, then why should you make all the sacrifices you are mentioning? I know that you should love a person for who they are but your parents aren''t asking him to be different, just better. Theres nothing wrong with improving yourself and pushing forward.

I know you are looking for moral support and I support you, I really do. But it bothers me and frankly makes me angry that he left you because your parents need to "loosen" up. Maybe he needs to tighten up and push harder to be worthy of a good, loving woman that comes from a good family that is only concerned that their daughter may not have the future she deserves because her guy isn''t trying hard enough.

I think this break up will be good for you

 

[katamari]

Oh misscuppycake! This has to be so difficult, but if he is really interested in seeing your strength, you have to show him you don''t need him either. The best thing you can do right now is learn how to be a strong independent woman. Good luck!

 

[misskitty]

I don''t have any extra advice to add (I think the ladies who posted above have covered everything I''d say), but I just wanted to say *hugs* and I hope you get to a happier point soon.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Miss, I am very sorry that you''re going thru this horribly painful, sad breakup. Big hugs are being sent your way.

First of all, you clearly choose your ex over your parents. The tone of your post is very bias. And that is okay, if those are your feelings. However, your ex left you--and that''s important to remember.

Relationships are hard, even under the best circumstances. If your parents are tough, then you need a partner who can be tougher...and stronger for you...someone who can support you and be by your side come good or bad. Maybe that idealistic on my part, but true love should be idealistic. You deserve that, please don''t forget that.

If you want to save your relationship...you might be going it alone. Your ex has made his feelings very clear, as hurtful as they. You can cry, and beg and plead...but if he''s gone, he''s gone. I think you need to take some time for yourself. Visit a spa, read a good book (a great breakup book is "It''s Called A Breakup ''Cause It''s Broke"), or just hang with your girls. Take an emotional break, and revisit your feelings when you can think about the situation without crying.

I wish you the Misscuppycake, and hope that you find some peace soon!

 

[kittybean]

Misscuppycake, I''m very sorry to hear about how sad you are. Your story is heartbreaking! Hugs to you.

I would second Italiahaircolor''s recommendation and suggest you read It''s Called a Breakup Because It''s Broken by Greg and Amiira Behrendt. Here''s a link to some interesting breakup advice on their website if you feel like reading it.

A little advice from me: maybe try to see this situation from your parents'' point of view. I know that is extremely difficult, but it might provide some insight into this whole unfortunate situation for you. To share a story: I was very much in love with my college boyfriend, and we had discussed marriage many times. My parents hated him; they were always trying to come up with reasons why I couldn''t or shouldn''t see him, and they constantly told me he wasn''t good enough for me. And guess what? He wasn''t. I didn''t see it at the time, but it was clear to people with much more life experience that he wasn''t going to make anything of himself. It was clear to my parents that he had a lot of issues, and I was too busy trying to love him into someone he wasn''t to see that. After several breakups, we finally broke it off for good. Fast forward about four years to right now: I''m engaged to my dream guy, and my parents are thrilled. (The ex still hasn''t made anything of himself.) A lot of their previous hostility toward me being in a relationship is gone. They still look out for their little girl, but they are happy that there is someone else who is doing the same. They have welcomed my fiance into our family, and let me tell you, it feels so much better than when they were trying to push my ex-boyfriend as far away from me as they could. I am a million times happier now that I''m no longer sparring with my parents every time I bring up my SO.

So, in sum, maybe it''s him. Maybe you should sit down with your parents and say that, now that you and your BF have broken up, what are their thoughts about who might be someone appropriate for you to date? If you show their opinions a little deference, it might go a long way in terms of your long-term happiness. That said, I do think it''s time to think about doing more on your own and finding ways of becoming a self-sufficient adult. Use this as an opportunity to grow and to do new things. Ask your parents to help you on your way to adulthood. If you enlist their help, I am willing to bet that some of the "rules" they''ve created for you will be relaxed. I understand this might be difficult to do, and they might not be receptive, but there''s no harm in trying.

Please take some time to consider all of these things, and to really question whether your ex-boyfriend is the one you want to marry. Are there things about him that you have been ignoring? Is he really right for you in every way? How do you plan to be adults together, in a permanent relationship, if you stand up to your parents and pick him? What if you stand up to them, alienating them, and then it turns out that he still doesn''t really want the relationship anymore? Could he be using your parents as an excuse? (Men notoriously love to find a scapegoat when they feel a relationship is not working.) You have some difficult decisions ahead of you--make sure you consider all of the consequences before you make one, and have a contingency plan if things don''t work out as planned.

Best of luck to you, and I hope you find some peace soon.

 

[swingirl]

Don''t know if I am getting this straight but if your boyfriend had his way you two would have moved in together while you were 20 and a student. I realize your mother might be out-of-control and violent, but I don''t think many parents are going to go along with their 20 year old daughter moving in with her boyfriend. I can see why it rubs your parents the wrong way. It should. It shows a lack of respect for you and them. Your boyfriend is putting a lot of pressure on you. So far he hasn''t gained any points, here. My guess is your parents dislike him for reasons other or in addition to him not being Asian.

If you are ready to break free from your mother''s domination and violent temper, then do it for yourself, for your future, for your future family. Do it because it is what you want to do, not for a boyfriend. Take the consequences that will follow. You may gain respect for standing up for yourself or you may get disowned. But you need to make that choice for yourself.

It''s understandable why you wouldn''t make a break from your family sooner. You are very young and in school. But once you graduate it will be your time to chose how you want to live your life.

 

[LaraOnline]

Kitty bean''s story is very interesting.
Is this man worth it, cuppy cake? I agree that moving in together at the age of 20 is not necessarily a responsible or long-term move. Even though I''ve never met you, I''m glad you didn''t!
I have had two relationships with guys that really were not good enough. I come from an Anglo family, my father died early and my mother was very much about letting me make my own mistakes.
I am intending to be a bit more hands on with my own kids, I can tell you.
So how can you tell if they''re ''not good enough'', if they''re loving and kind and always nice to you, and never let you down etc etc etc.
Hmm... mine were ''creative types''. One was a musician and the other was a visual artist.
Both were quite clever people, but it was clear they wouldn''t be conventional enough to provide me with the lifestyle I wanted, or needed, to be a wife and eventually mother.
They were happy just to have me tag along though.

I know your man sells mobile phones, and that to me shows he may have a degree of tenacity and decency. Perhaps he''ll develop his sales abilities, and go into real estate, or some other more lucrative form of selling? Perhaps he''ll become a retailer and open an electrical franchise or some other business?
Would he be interested in going to night school, to develop his business skills?

It is so hard to have a really relevant opinion, when we are all just lines on a keyboard to each other... but try to take a good hard look at the situation, and listen to the very small inner voice. Is there a chance that your parents are right?
At the end of the day though, you are 22 now, and that is old enough to be able to live alone if you wish to, after graduation you will be working and it may seem natural to move away from home.

You do have some time up your sleeve, and with my own experience, I would say there is a chance that the best is yet to come! However, graduation and that new job is not so far away, so your world is really opening up to you. I hope you''re planning a lovely trip away - even an overseas journey - to celebrate your graduation, come the holidays!!

 

[AdiS]

misscuppycake, I''m so sorry you''re in this situation. I said it once in your other thread and I''ll say it again though I realize my opinion is probably not very popular right now: I feel for your man as much as I feel for you. I know what it''s like to be scorned, rejected, insulted by your SO''s parents. I know what it''s like to feel insecure and sad all the time because you did nothing wrong to those people but they still think you''re no good. Luckily, my hubby made it clear right away whose side he''s on. I had his full support and unquestionable love. Your (ex) BF didn''t. I''m not trying to make things harder for you than they already are, I''m just sharing my own experience here and the fact is, he was probably feeling really lonely and insecure too.

You say "I begged and pleaded and said I would make a change, but he wondered if I could do it, why I hadn''t done it sooner." This one sentence tells me:
a)You''ve already made the choice in your heart.
b)He''s really hurt that you couldn''t make it earlier.

You say you fear your mother and you love your BF. I think the choice between fear and love shouldn''t be that hard.
There will come a point in your life when you will have to choose between the obedience you think you owe your parents and the chance to be happy. Even if you decide that moment is not now, I believe it will still come one day. Your parents won''t change. You can though.

And just as a side note: If you decide you are going to disobey your parents and fight for your relationship, don''t do it just for your BF''s sake. Do it for yourself because you deserve the right to make your own decisions. Good luck!

 

[purrfectpear]

You say you''re willing to stand up to your parents but you have $20,000 in savings and you haven''t left your parents home so you can be with the man you love?

There''s your answer. You don''t love him enough. He was right to leave. It''s probably best in the long run for both of you.

It wouldn''t cost $20K to live on your own for a year anyway, but the fact that you were reluctant to be independent indicates you aren''t ready. Good luck, this will pass. For the guys sake, I think you should make a clean break though.

 

[dragonfly411]

misscuppycake - I really don''t know the full background of your story. Does your SO work? Is he in school? Does he have the savings you have? These are all things I would be wondering about. Yes you need to stand up and say this is my life, you can''t live it for me, but you also want to make sure he''s worth it. Is HE willing to work with your family any? Does he just not get along with them and not make an effort to and that is that? He left you... instead of talking with parents to get their thoughts he bailed... I''m sorry but at this point he seems like the one not making any effort to me.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 10/15/2008 9:09:49 AM
Author: purrfectpear

It wouldn''t cost $20K to live on your own for a year anyway, but the fact that you were reluctant to be independent indicates you aren''t ready. Good luck, this will pass. For the guys sake, I think you should make a clean break though.

I think it depends on where you live.. live off 20K in Chicago for a year you''ll be barely squeaking by...

I think you should get out.. look into the cost of living / apartments / roommates in your area and get out of there!! YOu have to stand up for yourself and send your parents the message that IT STOPS NOW and that her tantrums and violence are not going to get her anywhere with you anymore. And as several other people have said, don''t do it for the ex.. do it for yourself. Cause if you do this.. if stand up for yourself and move out of there, however scared you may be, and he doesn''t take you back - you''ve still done the best thing for yourself. And one day when your heart heals you can look back and thank him for being the motivation you needed to take control of your life and stop living in fear. And you will be a stronger person for the next man that comes along.

You can''t live the life your parents want you to live.. it''s not their life it''s YOURS!! Their controlling you this way at this age is just not healthy. Like someone else said too: what are you gonna do when they''re gone? You need to learn how to live your own life and make your own mistakes. And I know it''s scary and sooo much easier said than done because these are your parents and you feel like they''ve got power over you. But they only have this power because you let them.

I love this quote cause I really really feel it''s true, from my own personal experience. “When you get to the end of all the light you know and it''s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly." (I''m not sure who said it)

Good luck to you.. I wish you the best in these difficult times you''re going through.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I'm going to suggest what my husband's therapist suggested to him when I left--don't contact him so that you can get passed the grieving stage.

You guys just broke up and right now you are in a chaotic state, which is completely normal. You are hurting, you are usure of your decision, you want to make it work, but RIGHT NOW isn't the right time to decide to change--it's not coming from a healthy place. What you are feling is a knee-jerk reaction to the breakup and you need to get passed the "devastated" stage before you can start to make any real changes.

You also have to understand that he is in the same position, which is why no contact is so important so that you can BOTH heal and start to think with a clear head.

I'm sorry you're going through this--in fact, I'm really sorry for both of you. He is right that your parents probably will not change--that is out of your control. As you know, the only thing you can control in this situation is yourself, which is why I think it's important to focus on getting to a healthy place and start evaluating your relationship with your parents, the kind of relationship you want to have with a partner and can move forward with a clearer idea in mind of what you want for YOU. I think moving out on your own is a great place to start

Lots of hugs to you, I know how much it sucks right now.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 10/15/2008 10:58:07 AM
Author: Namaste

Date: 10/15/2008 9:09:49 AM

Author: purrfectpear


It wouldn''t cost $20K to live on your own for a year anyway, but the fact that you were reluctant to be independent indicates you aren''t ready. Good luck, this will pass. For the guys sake, I think you should make a clean break though.

I think it depends on where you live.. live off 20K in Chicago for a year you''ll be barely squeaking by...

She can have housemates/flatmates. Even in London, you can find accommodation for considerably less than twenty grand (dollars or pounds) a year.

misscuppycake, it''s just my two cents but I think you should move out as soon as you can whether you decide to stay with your boyfriend or not. Your parents will continue to run your life as long as you''re under their roof, so get out from under it. Sorry, honey, but I think that''s the first big step you need to take to figure this (and no doubt other secondary concerns) out. It''s scary but will really help you sort out your priorities. And it''s fun to be independent.

 

[krispi]

I just wanted to ditto everyone else who said to make the change for yourself. If you''re really ready to stand up to your parents, then focus on being on your own and getting to a self-sufficient spot. Once you''ve established that, you can see whether or not you can repair your relationship.

 

[Aloros]

I really feel for you, misscuppycake, and I''m sorry things are going so poorly for you right now.

I have an asian mother, and I know what it can be like. Parents don''t always want what''s best for us, but they do want what they THINK is best for us.

I moved out when I was eighteen, and I didn''t look back. My relationship with my mother is better for it. I think that once I was on my own and paying my own bills, she really looked at me as more of an adult. And she began to respect my decisions. My sister, on the other hand, still gets parental assistance, and she clashes with my mother A LOT as a result. My mother doesn''t think of her as an adult (she just turned 24), and constantly tries to push her in one direction or another. My sister complains that our mother is always on her back. But the fact is, my sister hasn''t ever really been on her own, and so hasn''t proved to my mother that she is an adult capable of making adult decisions.

I think it''s difficult for your parents to let go and to give the ok on marrying this man, because you are still under their roof and on their dollar. Making the decision to marry someone and to spend the rest of your life with them is a HUGELY adult decision. I don''t think they see you as an adult yet. In your situation, I think it would be near impossible for anyone to match up to their standards.

If it is what you want, then move out. Obviously there are pros to staying in your parents'' household. Do they outweigh the cons at this point or do they not?

You have the means to move out. And you definitely have the means to do so without beggaring yourself. I got by through college on very little money, and it never made me unhappy.

But agreed with everyone else - make the decision for yourself, and then worry about reconciling with your SO.

 

[allycat0303]

Misscuppycake,

Honestly, I''ve changed my mind about this. You are 22 years old. Your boyfriend broke up with you because he didn''t feel that you weren''t standing up to your parents enough, and he wanted you to move in. Why does he even WANT you to move in? Why is this even an issue? You''re not engaged or married, and you are still young, what does he gain by having you move in?

He does not love you enough to be patient? Instead he wants you to defy your parents without the benefit of a long term committement? My cousin did this. Got disowned, moved out, for her boyfriend under the premise "They hated him because he wasn''t asian" (He didn''t have a job and she had a line of credit for being in medical school). He moved out last week because they were fighting, and he wasn''t supportive.

I don''t think your boyfriend is being supportive. He seems to making a lot of demands. Maybe it goes beyond just being asian. Race probably factors in, but you need to fundamentally look at this man and decide whether or not he is worth it.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 10/15/2008 9:33:07 PM
Author: allycat0303
Misscuppycake,


Honestly, I''ve changed my mind about this. You are 22 years old. Your boyfriend broke up with you because he didn''t feel that you weren''t standing up to your parents enough, and he wanted you to move in. Why does he even WANT you to move in? Why is this even an issue? You''re not engaged or married, and you are still young, what does he gain by having you move in?


He does not love you enough to be patient? Instead he wants you to defy your parents without the benefit of a long term committement? My cousin did this. Got disowned, moved out, for her boyfriend under the premise ''They hated him because he wasn''t asian'' (He didn''t have a job and she had a line of credit for being in medical school). He moved out last week because they were fighting, and he wasn''t supportive.


I don''t think your boyfriend is being supportive. He seems to making a lot of demands. Maybe it goes beyond just being asian. Race probably factors in, but you need to fundamentally look at this man and decide whether or not he is worth it.

I can see both sides of this. I don''t think that he''s necessarily "not being supportive". I mean according to his point of view (i''m guessing) he''s been in this relationship with you and you haven''t really done your part to fight for it. I mean i kinda feel for the guy cause it''s not just you and him in this relationship - your mom is smack dab in the middle of it as well. And not only in the middle of it - but trying her hardest to screw things up! And if you were not showing an effort to remedy that and stand up for yourself then I hate to say it (and it sounds harsh) but i don''t blame him for leaving.

But then again on your side it''s not really fair of him to ask you to choose between him and your family - it''s too hard of a decision to make, especially when you''re feeling threatened by your parents in a way.

That''s why it''s probably best to get out on your own. Right now who knows if you''re meant to be together.. but I really think that''s not up to your parents to decide. You have to come to that conclusion yourself or you will forever resent your parents for essentially being the cause of this break-up. You need to get on your feet and be the strong woman that you are and establish your independence. And after you do that you can see if this relationship is salvageable.

 

[bee*]

Part of me would go with what ally was saying. He did ask quite a lot without an official commitment. If I were you, I''d move out of my parents anyway and stand on your own two feet, but I wouldn''t necessarily go jumping back into his arms straight away. Enjoy your independence. I really feel for you though and I hope that you''re ok.

 

[D2B]

I think at the core of all of this is your own dependence/independance to yourself and your family. If you are happy for them to dictate your life, pay your way and choose/approve your spouse at a later date then stay with your parents. If you want control of your life you need to leave home and show them you are an adult and pay your way. You can leave home and still live in a respectable manner iykwim, you dont have to loose your morals or go binge drinkig every night. It is about controlling your life and being an adult.

if using your savings is too high a price for you, then you are not ready. Some of my happiest memories are as a student, living in shared acomodation, eating sausages and bread rolls night after night becasue we were short of money, drinking cheap wine and having hardly any furniture (and you know in hindsight we had a fantastic time!!)

At this stage you have not had a chance to figure out who you are. You have been under the control of your parents, and with your boyfriend. Life is short, dont just follow the easy path now and discover later down the track you never had a chance to see what sort of person you would have been if you had a chance to live away from your parents control and fear. (you mentioned your feared your mothers control and manipulation - now no way is that healthy or positive)

You are 22, you have a life ahead of you, go out and live it. JMHO.

Hope i dont offend, it is hard to get the tone accrross on the net iykwim.

good luck
d2b

 

[i_heart_cushions]

Hi Misscuppycake,

First of all, I just wanted to say how tough I know this is for you. When I read this,I felt like I was reading a story about myself when I was your age! I feel so bad for you because I know this is such a difficult situation that absolutely consumes you. But I just want you to ask yourself this question: do you know he is THE ONE, and will you regret your decision to choose him if you defy your parents?

I know it is frustrating, because my Asian parents were also very strict, and they hated the guys I dated!!! My parents said the same thing as yours (they weren''t educated enough, good enough, etc). And I always thought it was because they weren''t Asian. We fought a lot (never allowed to stay over, I had to lie just to do normal things that other couples did, they threatened to take me off the will if I married him and wouldn''t go to the wedding) )... Anyway, long story short, I''m with a man who I know is the one for me. My other exes can''t even COMPARE to what my SO means to me now. And guess what? My parents love him! They don''t care if I stay over at his place, they encourage us to go on vacations together, they love him as their own son, we never fight, and THEY keep asking me when he''s going to propose! My relationship with my once-upon-a-time controlling mother is amazing. As an aside - my high schoool sweetheart who broke it off with me because he also couldn''t take how strict my parents were (whom I dated for almost 7 years) still calls me tries to contact me to this day to get me back - saying he made a mistake and he still loves me - and the OLD me would''ve gone back in a heart beat (I was so depressed when he left me - I was even seeing a counsellor to get over my grief). But now I don''t even know what I ever saw in him! I am so thankful that he broke up with me or else I would have never met my SO.

So all I''m saying is this: if you know in your heart that he is the one for you, and you KNOW he will always be by your side 100%, then I say fight for what you believe in. I know it might be scary to think that your parents will disown you, but at the end of the day, you are still their daughter and you know they will always love you and take you back (though I won''t deny there will be a period of time when they won''t speak to you). My cousin did this- she moved halfway across the country to be with her then boyfriend (my aunt was at the airport trying to physically drag her out of there) - and they didn''t talk for awhile. Ended up that the guy was no good (cheating on her, not working, abusing her) that she had to move back home to her parents, which her parents obviously took back with open arms...and now she is married to a NON ASIAN man whom her parents adore.

So - if you have doubts about your man (which your actions lead me to believe), then I think it''s the best thing for you right now to just focus on YOU and not have to worry about what YOU can do to make HIM happy. I''m not saying that he ISN''T the one for you - but I know your mom is just looking out for your best interest. I don''t know anything about her, but by the sounds of how violent she can be, she sounds like how my mother was. In retrospect, I think my mother just didn''t know how to communicate to me that my ex was not right for me, and using violence and threats were the only way to get me to listen (which she knows now was wrong). I just had to figure it out for myself. So you have to do the same. You need to figure out if he is worth it....

Just remember - you know what your life is like with him - you might need some time to figure out what your life would be like WITHOUT him - and perhaps with somebody else? I know this is probably unimaginable to your right now and is easy for me to say since I''m no longer in the same situation, but trust me, things will work out for you. Whether you decide to move out or stay at home - you owe this to yourself...You just need to make sure you do what is right for you in the end, because I''d hate for you to choose him - and then he doesn''t end up being the right guy for you (whether he is not emotionally supportive enough, or grown apart, or for whatever reason), and then you would''ve gone through all that turmoil with your parents for nothing.

**BIG HUG**

Hang in there. I wish you all the best. I have faith that things will work out for you for the best. I hope my story helps you feel like there willl be light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[misscuppycake]

Thank you i heart cushions, it was nice to hear your story.

****UPDATE****

So a lot has happened since I last posted and when all of you girls gave your great info/advice/input, I was just in such a bad place. I could hardly read it and I couldn''t deal with anything (except for school - that was the Godsend). So here''s the scoop:

I have been dealing with my controlling mother for many years now (probably since I was 9 or 10 when she first locked me in the storage room one night) and it has been an uphill climb the whole way. She loves me and I know it, and she has always been a provider for me but she is overly controlling, obsessive compulsive, violent, and verbally abusive. But I fought through this entire time because I saw no reason to tear the family apart over it and of course, I was totally consumed by my fears. In any case, this all came to head on Friday afternoon. After losing my ex, it just made me realize she would go to any lengths to take away everything from me. I was hurting and on top of that, resentful because my mother had finally gotten exactly what she wanted. So I lost it entirely - in front of my 18 year old sister, who said I needed to talk to my mom about it. I needed to do something, and finally stand up and say what I''ve been wanting to say for 5 years or so.

So I did. It completely blew up in my face, I was sent packing. I had a whole suitcase filled with whatever I was allowed to take. My mom made a list of fees that I owed her for all the things she''d given me over the past few years. It was a nightmare and I didn''t even know where I was going or what I was doing but it was happening. I saw my ex that night, running anywhere i could think, and he offered to let me stay the night and get things figured out. I declined and went home.

Then today, my father BLINDSIDED me. I don''t know if I''ve mentioned it before but my dad has been my mom''s patsy for as long as I''ve been alive. If she says jump, he asks how high and he would NEVER stand up for my sister and I even when he saw my mom beating us to the ground as kids/teenagers. He never did anything, he just sat there, scared for himself. And today, everything changed. He finally approached ME and talked to me, said he was on my side, and he''d do anything if I would just stay and try to work things out. He was crying and I''ve never seen him show EMOTION in the past 22 years; I could hardly breathe.

And so I told him if I was going to stay and try to better things with my mom, then she had to do the same. She had to agree to treat me and respect me like an adult. That means no more curfews, no more grounding me, no more taking away my car or manipulating me, knocking before she barges into my room, etc. He said he would make it happen because he loved me and he wants to help me because he finally sees that I am hurt by what she''s done. So I really feel like changes are going to be made here; my father after 22 years is FINALLY helping right when I was about to give up hope entirely.

As for my ex, he is still standing by me. He''s still there for me and still loves me but I don''t think now is the time for me to really be thinking about him. I have a lot to work out outside of our (ex) relationship. We could potentially get back together in the future but that''s certainly not the focus right now.

Thank you for your listening ears and support.

 

[princesss]

Wow. It sounds like you''ve got a fight ahead of you, but it looks like you''re ready to really stand up for yourself.

It''ll be hard, but it sounds like you''re taking the right steps.

 

[absolut_blonde]

I am glad you have your father standing by you. It''s good that you have some support coming from within your family.

That said... I still think the best course of action, by far, would be to leave. You are in an abusive situation and abusers don''t change overnight (if ever).

IMHO, the best thing would be to put physical and psychological distance between you and your mother. As long as you are under her roof, you are dependent on her to some extent. Being dependent on her puts you in a vulnerable position as it may let her still think it''s ok (on some level) to pull those power trips.

Plus, in order to do the things she has done in the past, she must feel on some level that those actions are justified. That is how abusers manage to live with themselves - they dehumanize their victims, convince themselves that the victims ''deserved it'' and that their abuse is ''for the victim''s own good''. Those are VERY deeply ingrained thought patterns and concepts that can''t be changed quickly. They can be suppressed for a short time, but they generally resurface without serious intervention and effort on the abuser''s part.

Is family counseling at all a possibility in this case, also? I really think it could be beneficial.

I don''t mean for that to come off as harsh, because I have the best intentions when I say all of this. I really do hope it all works out for you, I just hate to think of anyone in a bad living situation.

 

[HollyS]

misscuppycake:

While I am sorry for what you are going through, there are a great many issues in your life that you need to work out for yourself . . . . by yourself. . . . . without your BF. . . . .and not while living at home.

No one at the age of 22 should have parents who ground them, take away their car, etc. That''s high school. You aren''t in high school. I''m under the impression that perhaps your mother feels she can do these things to you because you are: 1) not paying your own bills, to include not paying anything toward your family''s household expenses in the form of rent; 2) you are not contributing to your college education, but they are paying the bulk of any college expenses for you; 3) the car is theirs because they paid for it too; 4) you are not behaving as an adult, so they aren''t treating you as an adult. I realize I''ve been blunt here, and I know that will sting a bit. But you need to grow up. Now.

Instead of handling this as an adult, you "blew up at your mother" and gave her the full brunt of your anger and frustration. How did you expect her to react? Especially considering her history of behavior?

There are a couple of things you need to recognize, because they are the real issues. You made the choice not to remove yourself from your family''s influence; even while knowing full well that this would be a make or break issue between yourself and the BF. You did not love him enough -- or, deep down you believe your parents are right about him. I feel the need to add that you were well aware, from the getgo, exactly how your parents felt about him, and you neither chose him or chose them, until he forced the issue. After he did, you chose to remain with your parents. You made the choice of being beholden to your parents for nearly everything you have, and for your education; and in doing so, you''ve given them control over your ''now'' and your ''future''. You did these things because you are not ready to be responsible for your choices. As it stands now, you can blame your situation and all resulting circumstances on your parents; in your mind, it isn''t your fault.

The choice is clear. You can have the traditional Asian daughter role in your family, and be happy with the choices your mother will make for you. Or, you can stand up and be your own person, make your own choices, and live your own life.

Again, I''m sorry if my bluntness has hurt your feelings; but I would hope that you would ''listen'' to the perspectives/advice you asked for when you started this thread, and take something positive away from my post.