Really need advice and support...getting quite depressed

[glitterazzi]

Let me tell you a little story.

In Jr. High boy meets girl (via his brother dating her sister). Boy crushes on girl. His brother marries her sister - girl thinks they are related and it''s weird. Boy gives girl school ring. Boy and girl date off and on though high school as her family moves a lot. After HS boy goes to small town America to work for his brother, girl goes to Colorado because she can''t wait on him any more. Both are miserable. Both move home. Boys brother divorces girls sister in an ugly ugly way. Families are feuding. Girl says "shit or get off the pot". Boy and girl get married without a family member present or supporting them. Flash forward 10 years... I never knew my grandparents hated each other - they always spent holidays together when I was young. Moral of the story: mother doesn''t always know best. And {sometimes} time heals all wounds. Parents realize that maybe their kids knew what they were doing. My grandparents are all gone now, but I''m still hoping that 30 years into a marriage I will be as happy and completely and totally in love as my parents are to this day. Because of their trials they have chosen to keep their mouths shut on their kids relationships and choices - and just be there for us. We know when they approve or don''t, but they never ask us to stop.

NOW! Having said that - it concerns me that your SO left you. Just a hypothetical question, but is he going to leave you every time something is hard, or not going his way? Is he going to stick up for himself over you every time? Because something in me says he should be on YOUR side? Another hypothetical: The choices you''ve made - were they out of fear of your mother? Or because some part of you agreed? Not that you shouldn''t be dating him, but maybe that you shouldn''t be living together at 20, etc. Do you think part of you might be agreeing with, but hiding behind your mothers tyranny? Okay.... maybe that''s a little harsh - sorry.

Anyway, if I relate it all back to my story, my parents never got involved, but I watched my sister go through heartbreak after heartbreak because she knew they didn''t approve and was staying with it to try to prove them wrong. That''s no reason to make something that''s not perfect fit. My heart goes out to you... I hope you find an answer, and some peace. I do think you need to stand up to your parents - but for yourself, not for him or anyone else. Be your own woman - and if that "IF" comes along, maybe it was meant to be. And if that "IF" doesn''t come along, maybe you''ll find yourself happier than you ever imagined with someone else entirely. Either way, never stop believing in happiness, just never stop believing. Maybe Mr. Right needed to grow up too... Just keep believing.

I believe you have to feel your pain, and your emotions - stuffing them away doesn''t help anything. So feel them, but don''t let them disable you. Chin up, eyes open. Go out. Live. Believe. Before you know it you''ll look around and see everything you''ve ever dreamed of.

Hugs

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 10/19/2008 8:13:03 PM
Author: misscuppycake

I have been dealing with my controlling mother for many years now (probably since I was 9 or 10 when she first locked me in the storage room one night) and it has been an uphill climb the whole way. She loves me and I know it, and she has always been a provider for me but she is overly controlling, obsessive compulsive, violent, and verbally abusive.

Ok, anyone that locks you in a storage room for a night does NOT know what is best for you.

That is UNACCEPTABLE parenting as far as I''m concerned. I could say soo much more but i think it''s best just to leave it at that...

It''s probably good that you''re trying to repair your relationship with your mother but it may be easier and healthier to do that while you''re NOT living under the same roof. Maybe you can leave on better terms.. in less of a dramatic way.

at least it''s nice to know your dad''s got your back. As far as things changing I''m thinking the chances are going to be slim. He may stand up to your mom but after years and years of him being the doormat what are the odds that she will take him seriously?
He can''t change her.. but do you think he can inspire her to change herself? That''s not an easy thing to do, especially because she sounds really out of control.
I don''t know.. it''s a really tough situation to be in. I feel for ya..
Keep us posted!

 

[AdiS]

Date: 10/20/2008 12:07:59 AM
Author: Namaste


Ok, anyone that locks you in a storage room for a night does NOT know what is best for you.

That is UNACCEPTABLE parenting as far as I''m concerned. I could say soo much more but i think it''s best just to leave it at that...

It''s probably good that you''re trying to repair your relationship with your mother but it may be easier and healthier to do that while you''re NOT living under the same roof. Maybe you can leave on better terms.. in less of a dramatic way.

at least it''s nice to know your dad''s got your back. As far as things changing I''m thinking the chances are going to be slim. He may stand up to your mom but after years and years of him being the doormat what are the odds that she will take him seriously?
He can''t change her.. but do you think he can inspire her to change herself? That''s not an easy thing to do, especially because she sounds really out of control.
I don''t know.. it''s a really tough situation to be in. I feel for ya..
Keep us posted!

Ditto, ditto and ditto.

 

[i_heart_cushions]

Misscuppycake! You are very welcome! I''m glad you enjoyed my story. I hope I didn''t sound like I was preaching - but I just wanted you to know that this will pass and things can only get better. By the sounds of it, it looks like it has. Jsut remember -things have to go bad before they can be good. And for years, nothing was going in this triangle between you, your BF (ex) and your mother. But now you are single, and you have brought this very sensitive issue up with your family. now at least you can start to get somewhere with this...because before, everything was at a standstill.

I''m glad you have decided that now is NOT at good time to reconcile with your ex. Because you need to fix this issue with your mother. If you did this while getting back with your man, then she will think that it is because of HIM that you are "defying" her...she needs to see that you are doing this because of HER.

I''m not going to deny that the things she does is WRONG and VERY COUNTERPRODUCTIVE, but I see a lot of Asian parents behave this way. So unfortunately, it isn''t uncommon (some times my old roommates from college could not believe the things I had to endure!!!). But I''m glad that you have your father on your side. Sure makes things less scary, right? Just a question though - you say you have a sister - is your mother like this with her too? Because I know with my aunt - she was very violent and lost her temper a lot at her oldest daughter (the cousin who was dating that guy she moved across the country for) and disapproved of him 100%, but was okay with the youngest daugher who was dating a guy since grade 8... just curious if her actions are indicative of her behaviour in general ,or more specific to you, and perhaps she just has a VERY bad way of showing it?

I know this is tough for you - but things WILL get better. Just focus on finishing school and being independent.... and stay strong. You''re on the right path...

Please keep us updated on how things are going....

 

[anyname]

First, big HUG. Now, I what I have to say I say with no snark and no malice, but I would seriously consider getting some counseling. There are several things going on here, 22 years of abuse isn''t something that can be easily overcome, no matter how resilient you are, and you do sound quite resilient. It also sounds like you are a little angry about the situation you have found yourself in, being Asian myself, i know all too well the "rules" that sometimes restrict our lives. Its kinda like this, you have learned to behave a certain way your entire way, as a way to survive in your household, either for attention or to escape attention. However, now you find what you have learned all along isn''t working anymore, it just doesn''t feel right. Giving into your mother''s wishes, while ignoring your own desires isn''t something you want to do. I believe with proper counseling you can learn how to get in touch with what you really want and how to communicate that. It sounds like what happened the other day really brought things to a head between you and your parents, and it''s great that your dad is on your side. But know that the road ahead is still going to be bumpy. Please take care.

 

[somehowcollide]

Hey missycupcake how are you doing dear? I know you''re going through a troubling moment in your life. Please update us and let us know if there is anything we can do for you. Many (((((HUGS))))

 

[misscuppycake]

**UPDATE**

Hi everyone, I just wanted to stop in and give a little update. I haven''t been in here for a few weeks (really dealing with SO much stuff and I can''t even believe it''s all happened) and I look forward to reading any new engagement stories.

So after s/o and I broke up, I was quite upset for a few days. Then after the big powwow I had with my parents, it seemed like I''d hit a point of no return and had acted stupidly and crazily. Somehow, in a miraculous turn of events though, this seemed to be the thing that turned everyone around. I''m not saying my mother doesn''t still have her anger issues and her personality will always be the same, but my dad talked to her and things have been a lot more reasonable lately. I no longer have to abide by a particular curfew and there is just a lot more respect. My mom and I had a talk and we came to some agreements on things. As for my boyfriend...well, we were still talking to each other and seeing one another at least once a week. This past Sunday, he broke down completely and said he needed me and wanted me back. He said he was sorry but all the rules, restrictions, and my parents'' general dislike for him had gotten the best of him. But it couldn''t just be fixed right away like that obviously, so we''re working on things now. We''ve agreed that we''ll see how things go for about a month. We have a lot of things to deal with: my parents, the respect I personally get from them, parent-child relationship, and now that we''ve broken up and gotten back together, there''s obviously going to be a bit of a strain. So that''s sort of where we''re at. A "trial period" if you will, so we know that this is for real (or something of the like).

Thanks for listening. I know not all of you agreed with the way I had gone about things and I fully respect that. It was a very crazy whirlwind of a time so I certainly acted stupidly and so did s/o. That''s why we need our recuperation time. Thanks again!

 

[KatM]

how great! congrats! it''s good that you''re taking it slow, not rushing in right away. because of committment issues, bf and i broke up back in january. it took us almost 6 months to fully get back together, but we are truly stronger for it now. in the meantime, we worked on ourselves. he''s come a long way in terms of committment and i''ve developed a greater sense of independence. i hope that things work out well for you! i know it''s hard, but it can be ok.

 

[bee*]

Glad that things seem to be on the mend. Just take it slowly and hopefully it will all work out.