Really upset at FSIL (long sorry)

[btrflygrl23]

I hope I''m in the right forum and I think I just need to vent and hear from objective PSers that I am not an idiot.

Ok, I got engaged last March and was over the moon. My e-ring was from WF 2ct ACA princess in an eternity plat setting with the LynnB inspired legato head super pretty.
Right before we got engaged I was talking to FSIL and she''s never been very nice to me. Tries to make me look bad in front of FMIL etc, etc, Super long story.
So I''m telling her like an idiot that kind of e-ring I would love to get.
So we get engaged and not even 2 months after FSIL gets engaged with virtually the SAME LOOKING RING!!! not from WF and not the greatest stones etc but you get the idea.
I was choked and all the time we would see each other she''d make sure to tell people around how she designed her ring by herself and how pleased she was with how it turned out geez!
So her center stone is .70 but the first time I see her ring I congratulate b/c she is going to be in my family say it is pretty etc.
She turns around DOES NOT congratulate and says Oh that''s 2 cts I would have thought it would be MUCH bigger it doesn''t look very big at ALL but then goes you''re not going to go bigger are you b/c that would be super ugly!!!!
She has yet to congratulate me.

Ok fast forward to now I had saved money to get the legato head on my ring paved and I talked to WF about it and it was a go but during the past year I had been thinking fondly of getting an RB thanks to PS. After hearing how they perform and that they face up bigger etc, etc I thought why not and then I can have something of my own again not copied.
I get that imitation is flattery and that you can''t ever really have anything that others won''t have I get it but this was my e-ring and I was bummed when she did it.
So I talk to WF there is an RB that is within my budget and I''m happy.
So I end up with a 2.044 ACA RB and the paved basket super pretty love the arrows looks bigger win/win.
So last weekend I see FSIL and right away she notices I have changed my ring which she announces in front of the whole family and they love her and she''s like Oh look everyone btrfly changed her e-ring oh I would NEVER DO THAT I just love my ring...btrfly didn''t you like what C got you the first time around???
I''m about to explode but I smile explain and try to move on with the visit and she comes up grabs my hand and exclaims OMG why did you even change it, it looks EXACTLY the same actually it looks much SMALLER b/c my jeweler told me that b/c of the angular lines on a princess they look much bigger, sorry btrfly this new stone just isn''t as pretty.
Is it wrong that I almost slapped her?
SO I brush this off too tell her it is a hearts and arrows and that both myself and C think it looks much bigger and performs much better. It now has the pave basket etc, etc
She goes oh I would NEVER have noticed that if you had not said something.
I mean say ok it''s pretty something right?
So I''m feeling blue I''ll have to deal with her from now on and she seems so petty and I feel even worse and I''m not sure why this is but she kinda made me feel bad about the changes I made to my ring, like I know I shouldn''t have let her but she sucked some of the enjoyment out of my new ring.
I had only had it about a week when she did all this.
I''m just feeling sad but mad too and can''t seem to be able to get over it almost a week later now.
FI says what can we do, I don''t want to fight with her. Her FI is his only full sib he has 4 halfs and not close to them these two are just 11 months apart and super close.
I have to play ball but I want to be snotty as immature as that sounds.
Ok I''ve gone on but I knew if anyone would understand it would be you guys.
I mean I just love my ring. I even think it has a heartbeat LOL I mean not literally but I''m very, very attached to it and it sucks that she was so mean.
Just for reference my princess was 6.77x6.76 and my RB is 8.22x8.24 I think to most that is a noticeable size diff right? Or am I crazy?

Thanks for letting me share guys!

 

[snowflakeluvr]

hi btrflygrl
i think your final statements say it best "it sucks that she''s so mean" yes it does and i am sure your ring is lovely and gorgeous and a great performer. um, how can i say this politely??? scr*w her!!! (i have very tactless sil''s but a huge family issues means most of us don''t speak now(that''s after 21yrs of marriage and 25yrs with dh and i am grateful i don''t have the bs anymore)
glad you could vent-now go enjoy your future dh and that gorgeous ring!!! have you posted pics somewhere??? sounds yummy

 

[AmberGretchen]

Well, first of all, there are a few issues here.

Number one is your FSIL's petty behavior. She sounds like she is coming from a place of insecurity that could be caused by a lot of things - you "stealing" her brother, her not having as big a ring, whatever. No matter the cause, PLEASE do not let her pettiness suck the enjoyment out of your (I'm sure beautiful) new ring.

Number two actually worries me a little more which is that your FI was unwilling to stand up for you. Admittedly this is not a huge issue and I can totally understand if he wants to pick his battles, but when it comes down to it, you two are on a new team now and you should come first for each other always. Maybe you do already have an understanding about this, and that's fine, but please give it a little thought and make sure you two are on the same page.

Number three is your ring itself. It sounds gorgeous, and you sound like you got exactly what you wanted. As long as you and your FI are happy with it, that is all that's important. Please try not to let anything else enter into it.

And finally, a problem that I must confess as a PSer...where are the pictures of this gorgeous-sounding new ring?!?!!

 

[Circe]

She's a cat. It's hard to know what her motivations are - is she jealous of your positioning in the family? the ring? just a case of oil and water? - but no matter what, my advice would be to fight the urge to be snotty back at her. I had a person like this in my life before I was engaged: she would make the *nastiest* cracks to me, about everything from what I wore to who I dated to what I achieved. She drove me *nuts*! But she was dating a close friend, and I figured I ought to be the bigger person and keep the peace, so I kept a lid on it, no matter how much I wanted to tell the harpy to put a sock in it. One day, I discovered the perfect technique to deal with it - a time honored one that I'd never thought to try. I played dumb and asked her what she meant by it. In the specific case at hand, I honestly wanted to see if she'd actually crossed a line from insulting to bigoted, but the result was quite satisfactory ... and it worked every damn time thereafter, until my friend finally thought better of the relationship. Seriously, next time she makes a crack, just go with it and ask, "Why would you say something like that?" or "I'm not following you. Could you explain that to me?" and just leave her to think through a way of presenting her that won't expose her as being overtly, obviously rude ....

P.S. - Alternately, one I've seen given as a suggestion but never tried is: [long pause] "Wow. That was *really* rude. You must be *so* embarassed ...." And then head off to fetch a drink, start a conversation elsewhere, etc.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Your not being petty. Being difficult when she copied your ring might have been petty, but not thinking it. One of the reasons I love my ring is that there is only one even remotely like it in the world (believe me, I looked). It would hurt a bit knowing someone copied it, especially if they claimed it as theirs.

My FILs can be very dificult and I know how they can just suck the life out of you, but try to remember that she is jelous. She knows your ring is better and she probably knows the family likes you better, hence her one upping you. It doesn''t make things better, ut maybe thinking of it that way will help a little.

 

[Ellen]

She sounds like a petty girl without a mind of her own, one that is probably really jealous that you changed her ring.

My hubby had 5 sisters, and one was very jealous of me. She rarely missed an opportunity to try and make me look bad. Unfortunately for her, I didn''t play ball, and she''s the one who ended up looking like an azz every time. One of her sisters finally called her on it in front of the whole family, and that was the end of it. But had she not done that, I would have continued doing and saying nothing, and she would have continued to look bad.

Say nothing, be gracious, and you will win every time.

 

[btrflygrl23]

Ah I just love you guys! Thanks sooo much you make me feel better and you make me want to be the bigger person and let this go and take Circe''s advice the next time it happens and sadly I think there will be a next time.

AmberGretchen thank you for your insight, you make a good point we are a team now and will be more so once married. I think if I can speak for him a bit b/c I know him so well that in this instance he figures why start a big argument (his sib is pretty argumentative/belligerent at the best of times)over my ring changes. I mean in all fairness she didn''t call me a pig or anything I suppose. I do think that given another situation or a heap of situations one after another that he would absolutely step up.

As for pics, I have to say I suck a bit at taking them but I have taken some however I can''t seem to post them and I did read the detailed instructions on how to do so but it looks like the problem is the size of my pics they are too big but I don''t have any photoshop or other programs I can use to size them so I think for now until I get something I am stuck.
I''m dying to get feedback from you all about what you think of it.
Perhaps, I can try harder ok I will stay tuned.

As always a really, really big THANK YOU FOR LISTENING AND GIVING ADVICE. IT IS MUCH APPRECIATED!!!!

 

[Deelight]

Date: 5/8/2008 9:49:18 PM
Author: AmberGretchen

And finally, a problem that I must confess as a PSer...where are the pictures of this gorgeous-sounding new ring?!?!!

I agree I would love to oggle this new beauty

I feel for you she sounds like a right cow and is trying to make herself feel better by making you feel like poo. I would as hard as it sounds just be the better person, don''t stoop to her level and just ignore her she will get sick of it eventually and give up .


As for the pics you can always ask admin to help you post them if you are having issues

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree with Amber, what was your FI doing/thinking/saying about all of this? My DH is VERY protective over his family but he will stand up for me if he feels they are being unreasonable. I feel like SHE is being unreasonable! You have every right to be upset and good for you for staying mature and calm. Not everyone would have that kind of will power. She is obviously jealous and insecure. Bad news is you don''t just marry a man, you marry his family too. You might need to sit down and talk it through. Or else I fear you will have years of many uncomfortable moments. Or you could move, VERY, VERY far away

 

[Haven]

You have every right to be upset. Your FSIL sounds petty and mean-spirited, and I''m guessing her behavior is caused by either jealousy of your relationship with her brother or the family, or of your gorgeous-sounding ring, or of something that has everything to do with her and nothing to do with you.

If it were me I would kill her with kindness, because even though it''s going to be tough to do right now she''ll figure it out one day that you''re gracious and fabulously bejeweled, and she''s petty and immature.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I totally get that your FI thinks this isn''t a battle worth fighting. Its good to hear that you guys are on the same page about this. I think that''s really all that''s important. Many of us have IL/FIL issues, and what''s important is that your FI/DH knows where your personal limit is and will stand up for you if he feels you need it.

 

[deegee]

Oooohhhh! Is your ring the one posted in the Whiteflash photo gallery here on PS? 2.044 legato head with pave diamonds and full eternity? I have that one saved on my computer. It''s gorgeous!

My sister makes snarky comments about my new ring. Even though I completely destroyed my original ring by accident, she still makes hateful comments about me getting a new one. I have had it since last June and she still hasn''t looked at it. My sister is a very insecure and unhappy person, and I''ve been trying to figure out how to deal with her practically my whole life! Her comments bug my husband more than me because I know what a petty person she is. She''s not going to ruin my enjoyment of my new ring.

 

[blondie23]

sorry to threadjack but deegee are you a delta gamma??? if yes, me too!!!!!!! yay

 

[Skippy123]

Gosh, I just read this; I hate when people act like that. I really do get those kinds of people; to me it is much easier to be nice than be rude. Sounds like she is an unhappy person in general. I would have told her nothing; you seriously owe her nothing. I would be cordial and not go out of my way to talk to your FI's FSIL; if anything he should say something to her, but hopefully you don't see her too often. I would say she is jealous and remind yourself not to try and deal w/her; she is a huge waste of time. Enjoy your ring it sounds beautiful. If she keeps it up I would have a talk.

 

[btrflygrl23]

Thanks a bunch for making me feel better.

Ellen you are right of course she is super petty.

Deelight I think I will ask admin to help me.

Tacori so true the family come as part of the package. So sweet that your DH would totally protect you. I have seen your wedding pics he looks every inch your knight in shinning armor

BTW your baby is deliciously beautiful. Gonna be a heartbreaker!

Haven it will be hard but so many people say to kill her with kindness and in the end I''ll be happy inside that I didn''t get ugly and she''ll be all rotten from her festering meaness.

AmberGretchen once again I totally got your point and will make sure FI and I stay on the same page so that I don''t end up being resentful of him if I feel not stuck up for so to speak.

Deegee thank you, thank you, thank you you are too sweet and yes that is my ring. I''m so glad you like the pave on the legato head I lurve it and it''s nice to know you took a look and approve yay!!!!

And I"m sorry your sis can be mean at times but you definitely are taking the high road in dealing with it good for you and I''m gonna go look now but since you are a fellow PSer I can safely say your ring must be gorgeous.

Thanks so much to all who took the time to read this and offer thoughtful and kind words of advice. I came on here for and this and I will definitely be taking all your advice to heart.

Stay tuned tomorrow I"m going to enlist admin in my quest to post pics of my lovely!

 

[monarch64]

She's a total a$$hat. The sooner you realize this and start NOT letting if affect you, the better off you will be. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Sorry you will have to deal with her, but she'll never change and the more you let her get to you, the more you compromise your own happiness. Stay strong, and just realize that every time she makes a negative comment towards you or your ring, it is her own insecurity speaking.

 

[diamondfan]

She is a competitive brat. She is marrying your FI''s brother? Just clarifying.

I would pay her NO mind or attention.

I love Circe''s ideas of playing a bit dumb. I would even step it up to:

HER: Oh, I would NEVER change my ring, what is with you?

YOU: Gosh, you know, I think I am not getting you, it really sounded like you were being totally snarky to me, but I KNOW you would not do that. Can you clarify what you DID mean?

There is always the high road, i.e. stare at her for a few seconds, DO NOT REPLY AT ALL, and just walk away. Do THAT enough times and I doubt that she will continue to try to be the Snarkqueen.

Overall though, she is a brat period end of sentence.

 

[purrfectpear]

When I read posts like this I realize how young some of you really are. When you''re an older woman you won''t give flip what anyone else says and you''ll be 100% immune from anyone being able to "suck the enjoyment" out of anything you own or have chosen. As far as the FI sticking up for you, what''s to stick up for? He was showing maturity in letting the FSIL make a fool of herself without needing to play into it. A reaction is what she wants. She would love to create drama. He did the correct thing by totally ignoring her. It shows her that her opinion isn''t even worth acknowledging.

I don''t mean to seem like I''m picking on you younger women but ya''ll need to stop caring what anyone else says. Have some confidence in YOUR choices and stop giving outsiders the "power" to affect how you feel.

 

[LittleRock]

You know what I think I would have said? "You all should wait and see what I''m upgrading to next week!" That would have shut her up!

Jealousy is a fact of life and it''s no different in families. Put her in her place if you so need to. There are ways of being calm and direct to get to the point. In the end you and your FF love your ring (you especially) and that''s all that matters

 

[dragonfly411]

From the post it looks as though YES she is MARRYING FI''s Brother, just so we don''t put blame on the FI here saying he should stand up to his "sister". She isn''t his sister lol.

It sounds to me like a) she is jealous of you, and the things you have. It also sounds like b) she is vying for better standing with the family by making you look selfish and snooty, as well as unappreciative. As long as you and FI are happy, and the family doesn''t end up shunning you, then I''d just kill her with kindness. She just wishes she could have a 2 carat beautiful ring

I''m sorry but people like that drive me nuts.

 

[rainydaze]

i feel sad for her - her behavior is indicative of deeper issues and one can only hope she someday looks in the mirror and realizes she needs to make some changes and work some things out. i feel happy for you - you sound like you have traveled a better road in life and have found contentment and happiness within, such that you need not resort to pettiness to make yourself feel better. AND you''ve got a ring you love to boot!

ignore her the best you can, or use some of the great remarks others here have suggested, and be secretly glad you are not in her shoes.... because boy do they reek!

 

[surfgirl]

While she sounds awful, why didn''t you simply reply to her, "I changed the ring because you copied my exact ring and I wanted something different..."??? I agree with whomever said you need to be more direct in terms of calling her out on her rudeness. I''m also really appalled that neither your FI nor his family say anything to her when this happens...You really want to marry into that? Not saying something is sometimes as bad as saying something...

 

[Bliss]

Ohhh, you poor thing.

I would just feel incredibly sorry for her because it is so obvious this is a person in a lot of pain and unhappiness in her own life. I''ll bet she beats up her man, too. And her friends. And any unfortunate soul who crosses her path.

People tend to radiate what the world gives to them. So if she doles out kaka, it''s an indication that her life is kaka right now. The sad thing is, unless some huge life changing thing happens, she will never get out of her self-created kaka cycle.

Kaka in, kaka out. Kaka karma wheel goes ''round and ''round!

If anything, it shouldn''t suck any enjoyment out of your ring. You KNOW it''s awesome! You love it! Your darling gave it to you. You should have known a larger stone would incite jealousy -- just remember it''s not you, it''s on them.

That poor woman. She''s so toxic it must keep her awake at night.

 

[btrflygrl23]

Skippy123 you are right I don''t owe her anything and luckily we don''t see them all the time but when we visit FI''s grandma they tend to come along to visit at the same time and not to be dramatic but I think sometimes it is just so she can bump into me.
To give you guys more background she doesn''t get along at all with her own family so that should have told me something right off the bat. She talks about her mom in awful terms in public and has no relationship with her dad at all and she''s an only child from her parents union.

monarch64 I agree that when things like this bug you sometimes the best is to just ignore. I think I just got soo upset b/c it was so new ya know? And I was so high on being happy about it and then she just poured the cold water all over me.

diamondfan Yes she is marrying FI''s younger brother. I really like Circe''s idea too of being like why would you say something like that? Or I know you''re not trying to insult me right?

purrfectpear I hear ya. I have talked about this with my mom and she says something along the same lines as you that life experience and growing up so to speak get you to the point where things like this DON"T bother you. I''m NOT going to let her suck the enjoyment out of this experience for me. Not just being engaged but planning and the time with my FI. I think FI did the right thing too in just letting her show her claws. He has always thought she is a bit off and I say this b/c she exhibits some bizarre behavior in addition to this little incident. And just to give you some more info we aren''t that young purrfect we are all 26 and 27. The snarky couple are about a year younger than FI and me. But I get what you mean about getting to a different place as you get older and making your happiness dependent on you and those you love not these outside toxic folk.

dragonfly411 yes she is definitely marrying FI''s bro. She is not FI''s sis thank goodness! And yeah without being one of those self absorbed people I would say the consensus is she is pretty jealous. For the record she doesn''t just try to talk down my ring she tries other subtle things too.

For instance she dropped out of high school and I''m about to start law school and just finished a Masters in Psychology and she has told me in the past that school is a waste of time b/c in life and I''m quoting her "it''s not what you know it''s who you know" and alludes to the fact that she KNOWS lots of I guess important people sigh I think what'' the use she''s a lost cause.

rainydaze I think she has other issues too. Thank you for being happy for me and your kind words.

Thank you ALL for your advice once again!! MUCH APPRECIATED!!!!

surfgirl I think you''re right about sometimes not saying anything being worse than saying anything but I think b/c of where we were at his grandma''s house and she''s sick and 82 and not wanting to seem like I flipped over a ring b/c I know at that point she would have been like oh I totally didn''t mean anything I can''t believe btrfly flipped out on me etc, etc, She''s like that in her nature.
I think if it becomes a pattern I would definitely be more direct and I think at that point FI would step in. I think he just thinks she''s an idiot that''s why he tried not to react to feed it. His family are very sweet but the type of people who DON"T get involved they just like to all get along and when we are all together just be like we are all one big happy family. They are the type that are like we think everybody is nice we have no issue with anyone.

Why Bliss you hit the nail on the head she doesn''t sleep at night b/c of her toxicity she literally is an insomniac seriously

LittleRock too funny I WISH I had thought of that comeback at the time. I totally would have used it tee hee to see her face then LOL

Thanks everyone! You are all the best!

 

[Circe]

Date: 5/9/2008 8:26:18 AM
Author: purrfectpear
When I read posts like this I realize how young some of you really are. When you''re an older woman you won''t give flip what anyone else says and you''ll be 100% immune from anyone being able to ''suck the enjoyment'' out of anything you own or have chosen. As far as the FI sticking up for you, what''s to stick up for? He was showing maturity in letting the FSIL make a fool of herself without needing to play into it. A reaction is what she wants. She would love to create drama. He did the correct thing by totally ignoring her. It shows her that her opinion isn''t even worth acknowledging.


I don''t mean to seem like I''m picking on you younger women but ya''ll need to stop caring what anyone else says. Have some confidence in YOUR choices and stop giving outsiders the ''power'' to affect how you feel.

Ooo, interesting! I think there''s a difference between letting other people''s opinions make you doubt your choices and being taken aback at other''s deliberate malice. But, you''re right- with enough self-possession, I guess anything can roll off your back. I look forward to attaining that blessed state! This puts me in mind of two of my favorite quotations: one from Lloyd Ogilve, and one from Mae West. Ogilve believed, "Tell me what ticks you off, and I''ll tell you what makes you tick." And West said, "I''d rather be looked over than overlooked." In between the two, there''s a good deal of applicability ....

 

[Aloros]

Awww, don''t stress, btrflygrl23! Your ring sounds GORGEOUS.

And honestly? I think she made HERSELF look really bad with her actions and her comments. Anyone with two eyes could see that her ring design was very similar to yours, and THEN she pointed out your ring to everyone around and made those petty comments...it just reflects poorly on her.

I''m sure people just walked away from that gathering thinking, "What is UP with FSIL??" She was clearly being rude. And although you may think that everyone loves her, I''m sure they''re thinking that her comments were a serious lapse of judgement at the very least. You don''t walk into someone''s house and tell them they painted the walls the wrong color. Just the same, you don''t make unsolicited derogatory comments regarding someone else''s e-ring. Even if it IS frozen spit. It''s just impolite and shows a lack of class.

 

[purrfectpear]

A high school dropout. Wow, that loser just gets better and better. Who the heck can''t even manage to graduate high school these days?

That explains a lot. Clearly the poor dear has some serious self esteem issues (and justified at this point). I imagine every time she sets eyes on you it''s just another sad reminder of what she didn''t accomplish in her life

Congrats on starting law school.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

btrflygrl23, your comments were SO sweet. Thank you! I was thinking about this thread earlier and was to urge you NOT to tell her anything about your wedding plans, baby plans, baby names etc...sounds like she would be the type of person to steal them! Just remember she is jealous of you. She is insecure. Wear your ring proudly. Her comments to not relate to it. You could have been wearing the hope diamond and she would have found a flaw. She is an unhappy person and hopefully one day can change her point of view on life. It''s not you, it is her!

 

[bee*]

She just sounds jealous. Ignore her.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

You cant let her get to you. You have to take it with a grain of salt. She just wants to attention and if you continue to feed into it you are only adding fuel to the fire....

When she asks for wedding plans, you just tell her you are going for an outdoors, camo esq feel....lots of bugs and lots of slugs.....

She will get the picture.