Really upset at FSIL (long sorry)

[diamondsrock]

Date: 5/8/2008 9:54:51 PM
Author: Circe
She''s a cat. It''s hard to know what her motivations are - is she jealous of your positioning in the family? the ring? just a case of oil and water? - but no matter what, my advice would be to fight the urge to be snotty back at her. I had a person like this in my life before I was engaged: she would make the *nastiest* cracks to me, about everything from what I wore to who I dated to what I achieved. She drove me *nuts*! But she was dating a close friend, and I figured I ought to be the bigger person and keep the peace, so I kept a lid on it, no matter how much I wanted to tell the harpy to put a sock in it. One day, I discovered the perfect technique to deal with it - a time honored one that I''d never thought to try. I played dumb and asked her what she meant by it. In the specific case at hand, I honestly wanted to see if she''d actually crossed a line from insulting to bigoted, but the result was quite satisfactory ... and it worked every damn time thereafter, until my friend finally thought better of the relationship. Seriously, next time she makes a crack, just go with it and ask, ''Why would you say something like that?'' or ''I''m not following you. Could you explain that to me?'' and just leave her to think through a way of presenting her that won''t expose her as being overtly, obviously rude ....

P.S. - Alternately, one I''ve seen given as a suggestion but never tried is: [long pause] ''Wow. That was *really* rude. You must be *so* embarassed ....'' And then head off to fetch a drink, start a conversation elsewhere, etc.

This is really good advice! Seriously, if you ignore it, she will continue until she gets a rise out of you, so if you acknowledge it in this way, she will be much less likely to do it again since she''ll have to defend her opinions. People like this do not like to have the spotlight turned on them in a negative way. I really like the "why would you say something like that"? Interesting to see how she would respond in front of others without making herself look more like an a#$

 

[HeartingDiamonds]

Oh honey - I feel for you! I got me one of those - AAMOF, worse - she is DH''s sister! When we first got married, she went on and on about how much DH''s mother wanted to contribute to the wedding expenses ($7k). In the end, we decided to have a civil ceremony and used the $7k as part of our down payment on our condo - she never let me forget that "her" family owns part of that condo

. WTH?? Months after our civil ceremony, she got married - very lavish wedding, with all the trimmings. MIL, of course, footed the entire bill. Whenever she came to visit, she owuld ask where we bought such and such and then promptly tell her we overpaid for "such poor quality." One weekend, she came with her kids and showered in one of our bathrooms. What did she do after? She draped her dripping-wet towel on my brand new living room couch!! I went ballistic and told DH that she was no longer welcome in my house. To this day, that order is in effect.

When I announced I was pregnant with DD1, she announced that they will start trying as well. Four months later, she was pregnant too. I made the mistake of telling her that I wanted ALL my daughters to share the same middle name. What does she do? She has back to back daughters and guess what? They all have the same middle names (she has 3 DDs now)! When DD1 was about 10 months old and was the cutest roly poly of a baby you have ever seen, she announced at a family gathering that she hopes she doesn''t have weight problems in adulthood

(I have battled my weight for years). DD1 is now 14 and a size 1, thank you very much.

She is still a pill, but with age and maturity comes wisdom and thick skin

, so I have learned NOT to take anything she says with much import.

So, chin up, and watch her dig her own grave deeper and deeper. Im sure that your FI''s family is not oblivious to her. Why, methinks she''s actually doing you a favor!

 

[Diamond*Dana]

It sounds to me like she is trying to make you feel badly about your ring for whatever reason. You said it bothers you what she said, I am certain that was her intent...do not let her ein, just ignore her stupid comments and move on. She sounds like the type of person that needs to rain on others parades to make herself feel better...that is sad.

 

[spike13]

Date: 5/8/2008 9:54:51 PM
Author: Circe
She''s a cat. It''s hard to know what her motivations are - is she jealous of your positioning in the family? the ring? just a case of oil and water? - but no matter what, my advice would be to fight the urge to be snotty back at her. I had a person like this in my life before I was engaged: she would make the *nastiest* cracks to me, about everything from what I wore to who I dated to what I achieved. She drove me *nuts*! But she was dating a close friend, and I figured I ought to be the bigger person and keep the peace, so I kept a lid on it, no matter how much I wanted to tell the harpy to put a sock in it. One day, I discovered the perfect technique to deal with it - a time honored one that I''d never thought to try. I played dumb and asked her what she meant by it. In the specific case at hand, I honestly wanted to see if she''d actually crossed a line from insulting to bigoted, but the result was quite satisfactory ... and it worked every damn time thereafter, until my friend finally thought better of the relationship. Seriously, next time she makes a crack, just go with it and ask, ''Why would you say something like that?'' or ''I''m not following you. Could you explain that to me?'' and just leave her to think through a way of presenting her that won''t expose her as being overtly, obviously rude ....


P.S. - Alternately, one I''ve seen given as a suggestion but never tried is: [long pause] ''Wow. That was *really* rude. You must be *so* embarassed ....'' And then head off to fetch a drink, start a conversation elsewhere, etc.

FWIW I think this is genius advice. People like that just want to get your goat. By taking this approach, not only do you call them on it - but you do it in a tactful way that doesn''t make you look like a jerk. You are changing the rules of how the snotty game is played in such a way she can''t really be snotty back without exposing herself. And if she were to expose herself, it would be clear to everyone she''s a jerk.

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 5/8/2008 9:54:51 PM
Author: Circe
She''s a cat. It''s hard to know what her motivations are - is she jealous of your positioning in the family? the ring? just a case of oil and water? - but no matter what, my advice would be to fight the urge to be snotty back at her. I had a person like this in my life before I was engaged: she would make the *nastiest* cracks to me, about everything from what I wore to who I dated to what I achieved. She drove me *nuts*! But she was dating a close friend, and I figured I ought to be the bigger person and keep the peace, so I kept a lid on it, no matter how much I wanted to tell the harpy to put a sock in it. One day, I discovered the perfect technique to deal with it - a time honored one that I''d never thought to try. I played dumb and asked her what she meant by it. In the specific case at hand, I honestly wanted to see if she''d actually crossed a line from insulting to bigoted, but the result was quite satisfactory ... and it worked every damn time thereafter, until my friend finally thought better of the relationship. Seriously, next time she makes a crack, just go with it and ask, ''Why would you say something like that?'' or ''I''m not following you. Could you explain that to me?'' and just leave her to think through a way of presenting her that won''t expose her as being overtly, obviously rude ....

P.S. - Alternately, one I''ve seen given as a suggestion but never tried is: [long pause] ''Wow. That was *really* rude. You must be *so* embarassed ....'' And then head off to fetch a drink, start a conversation elsewhere, etc.

I just have to say, wow Circe those suggestions you made are incredible advice. I will surely have to remember these tactics incase something like this happens to me. Great stuff!

Btrfly, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I''m afraid I don''t have any revolutionary advice except to encourage you to keep taking the high road as you have been doing. My experience is, family or no, these people eventually will push one button too many and end up bringing themselves undone.

I hope you don''t let her jealousy and immaturity effect your happiness over your new ring, as I know the set you have and I''m sure it looks stunning on you.

As an aside, I just have to say that hearing some of the inlaws horror stories here on PS makes me so grateful that all of mine are genuinely lovely to me

 

[Gemma12]

Urg butterfly, I''m so sorry this is happening to you. At first I was really worried about the family you are marrying into but if she''s marrying into it as well, I can see (kind of) why everyone is keeping mum on the subject. Still your FI should stand up for you.

I agree with Tacori (as usual)-keep any baby names, etc to yourselves.

Someone wrote in another thread (I wish I could remember) a great way of dealing with those shocking comments-it went something like this: smile as if you are about to receive a great compliment when they start talking. Then as they start getting horrible, open your eyes wide, let your mouth drop open (think ''I cannot believe you are embarrassing yourself like this!'') then leave a looooooong pause.....then change the topic of conversation. I wish I could remember who it was because I just thought that was priceless! Kind of sorry I haven''t had a chance to use it yet

.

Good luck with her, I agree with Circe, the problem is with her, not with you!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

she sounds like a jealous petty b**ch to me, ignore her, she wants to get a rise out of you....