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Relationship with future step daugther
- Thread starter Sparkster
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jorman
Brilliant_Rock
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It really did make it better. It helped me take the focus off my anger and be happy for the day, and eventually I became a little happier everyday. They got my hair done too. I felt a part of it. Later we laughed, because the video shows my extreme difficulty with the heals. I was not very good at sauntering. They also asked me my opinion on decorations, flowers, and the food menu for the reception. All in all, it turned out well and I stopped being a brat for the day.
It is a little different in this situation too. I had a step father, which means I had to live with him everyday, as opposed having a step mother and seeing her every other weekend. My situation was easier because we were forced to work it out. This situation is more difficult because both step mom and step daughter will try to avoid it. She is going to have to work even harder ALL THE TIME. Make her a priority in your life everyday, not just everyother weekend. The wedding is a good way to start.
It is a little different in this situation too. I had a step father, which means I had to live with him everyday, as opposed having a step mother and seeing her every other weekend. My situation was easier because we were forced to work it out. This situation is more difficult because both step mom and step daughter will try to avoid it. She is going to have to work even harder ALL THE TIME. Make her a priority in your life everyday, not just everyother weekend. The wedding is a good way to start.
JCJD
Brilliant_Rock
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Does the daughter know why her parents divorced? If not, her father and mother (provided they can be civil) need to sit down with her and explain exactly why they are not together anymore. This might help her understand that Mom and Dad weren''t happy together, they couldn''t be the parents they wanted to be together, and they have each now found someone they can be happy and be good parents with. This is absolutely none of our business on PS, but if you or mom''s husband are the reason for the divorce, this needs to be addressed with the kids. They need answers, but they need to hear them from their parents.
She seems to be lashing out at the thought of losing her "final" parent. I was 19 when my dad remarried, and it was great - he had dated since I was 15 (they divorced when I was 13), and I''d gotten used to the idea of women in my dad''s life, and she brought out the best in my dad. My brothers were a groomsman and the ring bearer, and my sister and I did readings at the ceremony. However, when my mom announced her engagement when I was 20, I freaked. First, she hadn''t been openly on the dating scene for very long, that I knew of, second, I hadn''t even met the guy, mostly cause I was away at college, and third, cause she''s my mom!!! I was 20 years old, and I still needed to learn to think of her as a woman, not just my mother. I got over it before the wedding, my sister and I were Mom''s bridesmaids, and it''s been great. My stepparents are not replacements of my real parents. They''re additional voices cheering me on at my college graduation. They''ll be special smiling faces at my wedding. They can offer me advice that my parents can''t, for whatever reason. They''re friends who happen to be married to my parents. This is what you have to be for your future stepdaughter. If you don''t work at this, your relationship with her will only deteriorate, and this will cause tension in your marriage. Isn''t life hard enough?
On the other hand, she may be aware of some troubles that you and your fiance are not. My dad was engaged before he met his wife, and I did not have good feelings about that woman. They were fine in the first couple years of dating, but when she and her youngest daughter (my age) moved in with us, she and my dad didn''t try to integrate the families in any way, which I thought they should have if they were going to get married. Her daughter had to keep her room clean, while me and my sibs had to keep the house clean. She got to eat in her bedroom, we couldn''t even eat in the family room. We had to help with meals, she didn''t even have to eat at home. Nearing the end of their relationship, she started to withdraw from us. She decided to move out and stay engaged, but we kids barely saw her after that, she stopped calling the house, and finally, she stopped returning my dad''s calls and had a friend return the ring with a letter. A week later, she had a new live-in boyfriend and started smoking again. Dad was devastated, I wasn''t surprised. Several months later, he met my stepmother, and things have been Brady Bunchy ever since.
In a family, the marriage is the glue that holds the people together. Your relationship has to be rock solid for your new family to have a chance. Try counseling if you can, take her to get her nails done. Does she do sports or music at school? Go to her next event and genuinely cheer her on! Is your fiance comfortable with his ex? Are you comfortable with her? She can be your biggest ally here. If you haven''t already, watch Stepmom (with Julia Roberts). Susan Sarandon''s character is where the children get their animosity, and later on their respect, for their new stepmother.
I hope my rambles helped at least a little.
She seems to be lashing out at the thought of losing her "final" parent. I was 19 when my dad remarried, and it was great - he had dated since I was 15 (they divorced when I was 13), and I''d gotten used to the idea of women in my dad''s life, and she brought out the best in my dad. My brothers were a groomsman and the ring bearer, and my sister and I did readings at the ceremony. However, when my mom announced her engagement when I was 20, I freaked. First, she hadn''t been openly on the dating scene for very long, that I knew of, second, I hadn''t even met the guy, mostly cause I was away at college, and third, cause she''s my mom!!! I was 20 years old, and I still needed to learn to think of her as a woman, not just my mother. I got over it before the wedding, my sister and I were Mom''s bridesmaids, and it''s been great. My stepparents are not replacements of my real parents. They''re additional voices cheering me on at my college graduation. They''ll be special smiling faces at my wedding. They can offer me advice that my parents can''t, for whatever reason. They''re friends who happen to be married to my parents. This is what you have to be for your future stepdaughter. If you don''t work at this, your relationship with her will only deteriorate, and this will cause tension in your marriage. Isn''t life hard enough?
On the other hand, she may be aware of some troubles that you and your fiance are not. My dad was engaged before he met his wife, and I did not have good feelings about that woman. They were fine in the first couple years of dating, but when she and her youngest daughter (my age) moved in with us, she and my dad didn''t try to integrate the families in any way, which I thought they should have if they were going to get married. Her daughter had to keep her room clean, while me and my sibs had to keep the house clean. She got to eat in her bedroom, we couldn''t even eat in the family room. We had to help with meals, she didn''t even have to eat at home. Nearing the end of their relationship, she started to withdraw from us. She decided to move out and stay engaged, but we kids barely saw her after that, she stopped calling the house, and finally, she stopped returning my dad''s calls and had a friend return the ring with a letter. A week later, she had a new live-in boyfriend and started smoking again. Dad was devastated, I wasn''t surprised. Several months later, he met my stepmother, and things have been Brady Bunchy ever since.
In a family, the marriage is the glue that holds the people together. Your relationship has to be rock solid for your new family to have a chance. Try counseling if you can, take her to get her nails done. Does she do sports or music at school? Go to her next event and genuinely cheer her on! Is your fiance comfortable with his ex? Are you comfortable with her? She can be your biggest ally here. If you haven''t already, watch Stepmom (with Julia Roberts). Susan Sarandon''s character is where the children get their animosity, and later on their respect, for their new stepmother.
I hope my rambles helped at least a little.
icelady
Brilliant_Rock
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I am agreeing with both of you (F&I and Deb)! I have experienced this as well. We insisted that my husband''s daughters be a part of our wedding, even though they both couldn''t stand me at the time. Added to our mix was his ex-wife who used the girls to hurt him and make my life miserable any chance she got! Now, 17 plus years later, I enjoy a wonderful relationship with both of them.
We now have a 14 year old of our own. Let me tell you that girls of this age DO NOT LIKE ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! They are very moody, and sassy, but still very much children!!!
Good luck Sparkster, and keep taking the high road, no matter how impossible. At least you will have tried your best and it may pay off in the long run.
We now have a 14 year old of our own. Let me tell you that girls of this age DO NOT LIKE ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! They are very moody, and sassy, but still very much children!!!
Good luck Sparkster, and keep taking the high road, no matter how impossible. At least you will have tried your best and it may pay off in the long run.
MissAva
Ideal_Rock
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I agree with JCJD. If you and her mother are civil you need to set up a lunch date. Ask her how you can be a positive person in her daughters life. Explain that you know that you could never replace her in anyway and that you need her advice. Be humble. How old are you? This may be playing a part of things, rememeber her friends and peers may be teasing her about you. So even though you arent doing anything you can be a source of discomfort. Ask her parents if the two of you can have some one on one time. Take her shopping, to get her nails done, to a sports event whatever she is into. Spend some time telling her that you love her father deeply and you love her borhter and love her. It is a thin line between love and hate and I think once your break the barrier things will get better. 13 is a hard age and unless she is drop dead gorgeous, has large breasts, is amazing at every sport adn makes 100s on everything then she has got other things going. You are an easy target. It hurts you and that isnt right but she is still jsut a child. Ignore the things she does wrong and be super quick to praise her behavoir when she is polite or helpful. I am 22 and I still am thrilled when my parents praise me for anything. Children dont ever grow out of that. Once she sees that you can be a positive she will warm up to you.
jaysonsmom
Ideal_Rock
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I don’t have a step-daughter, but I was in a very similar situation. My husband was living with his parents when we met, and he was helping his parents raise his niece (sister’s child) because his sister was a drug addict, and her husband was in jail….long story.
His niece looked upon my husband as a father figure, and even though we tried to include her in everything, even taking her on our dates (county fair, waterpark, arcades) etc, she resented me because I was taking her uncle/“father” away from her. We fought a lot, and I’m ashamed to say that I was fighting with an insecure 10 year-old girl. My husband sat me down one day, and said: “Look, she’s blood, and she needs love, and support because what her parents put her through. I’m going to always be here for her, and you have to accept that.” Then he told me to grow up, and look at myself! That little speech really hit home, and I realized that blood will always be thicker than water, and I had to initiate a friendship because I was the adult. I’m happy to say “our niece” loves to visit us almost every weekend, and is like a big sister to our babies.
All the previous posters gave great advice, and if your fiancé never sits you down for this “speech”, you should be grateful that all these well-intentioned PSers did it for him. Your relationship with our FSD will flourish if you continue to give her love and encouragement, and to forgive her teenage rantings.
Firstly, thanks to you all for your words of advice. A lot of it I agree with and a lot of it I don''t.
From the start I had accepted his children and gave them all I had. I did this for 6.5 years. I treated them both the same. I have a great relationship with his son. For 6.5 years I had given them both all I had - even though she had treated me like crap and it''s taken it''s toll, which is why in the past few months, I''ve backed away from her completely.
Now when she comes over on the weekends, I''m not there for her anymore and she knows the reason why. She has been told by both myself and my FI that if she wants me back the way I was before then she has to start putting in an effort. It''s gotten to the point that on access weekends, I''m out with my friends instead of spending time at home with his daughter because of thie hostility I receive from her (but I do make sure that I spend time with his son). For my own sanity, I can''t keep copping the abuse.
Her mother has remarried and she has a step daughter who also treats her like shit. My FI''s daugther hates her step sister for treating her mum the ways she does (the same way she treats me) and thinks she is horrible and unreasonable. Yet she can''t see that in her own behaviour.
From the start I had accepted his children and gave them all I had. I did this for 6.5 years. I treated them both the same. I have a great relationship with his son. For 6.5 years I had given them both all I had - even though she had treated me like crap and it''s taken it''s toll, which is why in the past few months, I''ve backed away from her completely.
Now when she comes over on the weekends, I''m not there for her anymore and she knows the reason why. She has been told by both myself and my FI that if she wants me back the way I was before then she has to start putting in an effort. It''s gotten to the point that on access weekends, I''m out with my friends instead of spending time at home with his daughter because of thie hostility I receive from her (but I do make sure that I spend time with his son). For my own sanity, I can''t keep copping the abuse.
Her mother has remarried and she has a step daughter who also treats her like shit. My FI''s daugther hates her step sister for treating her mum the ways she does (the same way she treats me) and thinks she is horrible and unreasonable. Yet she can''t see that in her own behaviour.
Sparkster....you will most likely not hear what a lot have to say here because you are acting just as defensively as this child. But that is exactly the point. This is not a competition. There is no winner. Even after 6.5 years, you are the adult, you need to keep pursuing this for the sake of your FI.
Love doesn''t appear instantly but that doesn''t mean to say the step daughter won''t grow to love you.
I have heard you on this forum and you are often a word of wisdom. I''m in your corner.
It''s normal for step children to ''feel'' something and in your case probably a rival for love. Don''t give up on her. People on here have shown you after time you can form a relationship.
Establish ground rules, like a business plan, and both you and you FI have to agree on those rules and schedules. We all have internal schedules but just be sure to communicate yours to your FI as you don''t want to look like the bad step parent who took over. Be kind and stay calm. Validate her feelings but that does not mean being a doormat. If you are rude to her, expect she can be rude in return. Make it clear to her vice versa. Establish ground rules and acceptable behaviour and if this means your FI needs to take the lead then encourage that.
Try parenting counseling with your partner. Then you can both get on the same page. Don''t be afraid to ask for help - it'' our duty to look into any way to raise happy, well adjusted kids.
Here are some links to help....
www.stepfamily.org
www.saafamilies.org
It will take time however you approach it....but please keep trying.
You obviously still care or you would not have posted.
Love doesn''t appear instantly but that doesn''t mean to say the step daughter won''t grow to love you.
I have heard you on this forum and you are often a word of wisdom. I''m in your corner.
It''s normal for step children to ''feel'' something and in your case probably a rival for love. Don''t give up on her. People on here have shown you after time you can form a relationship.
Establish ground rules, like a business plan, and both you and you FI have to agree on those rules and schedules. We all have internal schedules but just be sure to communicate yours to your FI as you don''t want to look like the bad step parent who took over. Be kind and stay calm. Validate her feelings but that does not mean being a doormat. If you are rude to her, expect she can be rude in return. Make it clear to her vice versa. Establish ground rules and acceptable behaviour and if this means your FI needs to take the lead then encourage that.
Try parenting counseling with your partner. Then you can both get on the same page. Don''t be afraid to ask for help - it'' our duty to look into any way to raise happy, well adjusted kids.
Here are some links to help....
www.stepfamily.org
www.saafamilies.org
It will take time however you approach it....but please keep trying.
You obviously still care or you would not have posted.
sjz
Brilliant_Rock
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Sparkster,
I think the single most important advice for you to take away from this thread is to never give up on this girl. I know it''s probably hard and most days you feel it''s not worth the effort anymore, but trust me it is! Especially if you love her father and want your marriage and family to be successful.
My husband has a story somewhat similar to yours. His real father died when he was 9 years old. His father''s best friend, who was divorced from his wife, stepped up to the plate after his father''s death and tried to fill the "father" role for my hubsband and his younger sister. A couple of years after his father died, his mom married the best friend. My husband says he resented the devil out of his step father for many many years. He knows that he must have been an awful brat! He tells me that he remembers being rude, hostile, and indifferent to his step father until he was in highschool. But, something happened when my husband became a teenager. He finally grew up enough to realize how hard his step father had tried to take care of him, his mother, and his younger sister. How he never complained about the rudeness, the bitter attitude, and the cold shoulder he''d recieved for his efforts. How he always did his best to be there for everyone. My husband tells me that it didn''t turn to love and friendship overnight, but his feelings started to morph into respect, admiration, and appreciation. Eventually it did turn to affection. My husband was nearly 30 years old when I came into the picture, and I never saw anything but the warm loving father-son relationship that they had. The step dad passed away a few years ago, and I know that to this day my husband still misses him. He credits his step dad for never having given up as the key to the success of their relationship. So please, no matter how hard it seems, please keep trying with your future step daughter. If you don''t, I''m afraid you might live to regret it.
I think the single most important advice for you to take away from this thread is to never give up on this girl. I know it''s probably hard and most days you feel it''s not worth the effort anymore, but trust me it is! Especially if you love her father and want your marriage and family to be successful.
My husband has a story somewhat similar to yours. His real father died when he was 9 years old. His father''s best friend, who was divorced from his wife, stepped up to the plate after his father''s death and tried to fill the "father" role for my hubsband and his younger sister. A couple of years after his father died, his mom married the best friend. My husband says he resented the devil out of his step father for many many years. He knows that he must have been an awful brat! He tells me that he remembers being rude, hostile, and indifferent to his step father until he was in highschool. But, something happened when my husband became a teenager. He finally grew up enough to realize how hard his step father had tried to take care of him, his mother, and his younger sister. How he never complained about the rudeness, the bitter attitude, and the cold shoulder he''d recieved for his efforts. How he always did his best to be there for everyone. My husband tells me that it didn''t turn to love and friendship overnight, but his feelings started to morph into respect, admiration, and appreciation. Eventually it did turn to affection. My husband was nearly 30 years old when I came into the picture, and I never saw anything but the warm loving father-son relationship that they had. The step dad passed away a few years ago, and I know that to this day my husband still misses him. He credits his step dad for never having given up as the key to the success of their relationship. So please, no matter how hard it seems, please keep trying with your future step daughter. If you don''t, I''m afraid you might live to regret it.
bar01
Brilliant_Rock
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- Jul 13, 2004
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- 622
Having been a "stepson" in my moms 3 different marraiges (yes 3), and about to become a bonus dad myself (I don't like step) - I can say this is a major decision for you.
Much as in the way I approached sapphires and diamonds - I research all major things in my life.
To friends who have been looking into diamonds or colored gems I send them to Pricescope.
To those looking into being part of a bonus family I would refer them to:
http://saafamilies.org/index.htm
http://www.bonusfamilies.com/
This issue is too complex to discuss here on this board - other than to say giving love does not require you recieve it back.
Much as in the way I approached sapphires and diamonds - I research all major things in my life.
To friends who have been looking into diamonds or colored gems I send them to Pricescope.
To those looking into being part of a bonus family I would refer them to:
http://saafamilies.org/index.htm
http://www.bonusfamilies.com/
This issue is too complex to discuss here on this board - other than to say giving love does not require you recieve it back.
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2003
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- 22,161
Maybe you have given all you have at this point, but that is a disturbing notion because it means that your step-daughter will continue to suffer (as she is) and that your mental health will suffer, too. Steve suggested that a person who had come from a "broken home" would understand what it is like to have one's parents divorce. The implication was, of course, that such a person could do better than you in this difficult situation. I am not sure I agree. I certainly agree that someone who has lived through this would know a lot about how it felt to be a child in a blended household. Some of us who have not lived through it can understand a bit, too, though.
Your basic stance appears to be that your step-daughter has to treat you with respect in order for you to treat her with respect. I respectfully submit that that sounds like a recipe for disaster.
For some reason you see your step-daughter as having some power. You see her as someone with power equal to yours who, if she pushes you, needs to be pushed in return. You see her as someone who is even able to bully you. I know you *feel* this way, but she really feels helpless. She has no choice but to live with someone (be it her stepfather or you) who is not her parent and does not love her unconditionally. She feels like an orphan in an orphanage. Perhaps if you could see how powerless she really is and how powerful you are, it might help. I, also, suggest some professional help for all concerned.
Deborah
MINE!!
Ideal_Rock
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I find, that being honest and straight forward with a child is the best way. But you must remember that she is a CHILD!!! You are the adult. But don''t power trip on this. When you have a child you will realize that nothing matter more to you than that child.
I know it must be frustrating. A 13 year old is frustrating PERIOD! Right now my girls love me... but soon they will hit that age and I will be the #1 Moron who is just horrible and never let''s them have ANY fun.
This is a big change for ANY child. You HAVE to be patient. This is YOUR responsibility. I can tell you, just with the limited information that you have givin us, what I would do.
I would sit this child down at the kitchen table and in a NON DEFENSIVE or NON attacking, non condesending way. Tell her very calmly, openly and lovingly " You know what, I love your father, and I am excited about spending my life with him. But I know that you love your father too and what you have with him is very special. I do not want to take your place, or fight you for his love. You and I may not get along, we might think differently, but we both love him, and for him, we need to at least try to get along and see what happens. I understand you are probably angry and perhaps you do not like me, but I do not feel the same way as you. I get frustrated too, but I see a little girl who is becoming a woman, and as a woman we love strongly and deeply, and I know that with becoming a woman we have to also learn that others are important as well. I want you to be in my wedding party. If you do not want to be there for me then that is fine. But I think ... as women, that we need to make this day wonderful. Not just for me and your father, but for you as well, this is your day too." And end it with that. If you handle it well, it may help you and this poor girl. Perhaps, you both can grow from each other and each other''s imput into your futrue families life.
You are the woman, you have to be strong and understanding for everyone. And you are the step mother and that means you have to be strong and understanding for your step children as well. That means you put aside your pride and selfishness, even when you know that you are right. This is our role as women, as mothers. PERIOD!
Good luck to you.
I know it must be frustrating. A 13 year old is frustrating PERIOD! Right now my girls love me... but soon they will hit that age and I will be the #1 Moron who is just horrible and never let''s them have ANY fun.
This is a big change for ANY child. You HAVE to be patient. This is YOUR responsibility. I can tell you, just with the limited information that you have givin us, what I would do.
I would sit this child down at the kitchen table and in a NON DEFENSIVE or NON attacking, non condesending way. Tell her very calmly, openly and lovingly " You know what, I love your father, and I am excited about spending my life with him. But I know that you love your father too and what you have with him is very special. I do not want to take your place, or fight you for his love. You and I may not get along, we might think differently, but we both love him, and for him, we need to at least try to get along and see what happens. I understand you are probably angry and perhaps you do not like me, but I do not feel the same way as you. I get frustrated too, but I see a little girl who is becoming a woman, and as a woman we love strongly and deeply, and I know that with becoming a woman we have to also learn that others are important as well. I want you to be in my wedding party. If you do not want to be there for me then that is fine. But I think ... as women, that we need to make this day wonderful. Not just for me and your father, but for you as well, this is your day too." And end it with that. If you handle it well, it may help you and this poor girl. Perhaps, you both can grow from each other and each other''s imput into your futrue families life.
You are the woman, you have to be strong and understanding for everyone. And you are the step mother and that means you have to be strong and understanding for your step children as well. That means you put aside your pride and selfishness, even when you know that you are right. This is our role as women, as mothers. PERIOD!
Good luck to you.
rockupied
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2004
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- 94
Bertrand made a very powerful, truthful statement: "giving love does not require you recieve it back".
Certainly easier said than done sometimes, but in the realm of raising children the future reward is priceless.
If you can do this, you will always be able to look back and know that you were a good person and that you did your best to make the relationship work.
Best case scenario is that as she matures she will come to understand the dynamics and will have a huge respect for what you've done. Even if she never comes to see it that way, it's still a win for youself.
Stooping to the immature level of a child may provide you with some instant gratification, but it will only make you feel worse about the situation in the long run. AND, it will place mounds of tension on the relationship with your man.
It's hard being an adult sometimes.
ETA- I have a daughter the same age and she has developed a very strong relationship with her step-dad.
Certainly easier said than done sometimes, but in the realm of raising children the future reward is priceless.
If you can do this, you will always be able to look back and know that you were a good person and that you did your best to make the relationship work.
Best case scenario is that as she matures she will come to understand the dynamics and will have a huge respect for what you've done. Even if she never comes to see it that way, it's still a win for youself.
Stooping to the immature level of a child may provide you with some instant gratification, but it will only make you feel worse about the situation in the long run. AND, it will place mounds of tension on the relationship with your man.
It's hard being an adult sometimes.
ETA- I have a daughter the same age and she has developed a very strong relationship with her step-dad.
Sunni79
Shiny_Rock
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Nicrez
Ideal_Rock
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No experience here, but I have some human experience, maybe that counts.
As a person, when I am upset, telling me the obvious would just infuriate me, and I shut down. I am usually disarmed when someone I expect to be mean to me, is actually NICE and honest, and seems to care. Human being are vey vulnerable and can be hurt SO easily. She''s 13, that applies to her three fold!
Think of this: She''s is growing up and she doesn''t have someone (like a mother figure) to guide her through honestly the roughest part of her life. Around 13 she changes SO much from child to young woman, and no on is there to hold her hand, to stroke her hair. Sure her father is there at times, but usually a girl needs a mother in this stage. I don''t know what her relationship with her natural mom is...
Have you considered empathizing with her? Odd as it is, stop being mad, and consider that she can not break you up, and she may want. She has NO control over her father''s emotions, but to hate you herself, she DOES have that power. So take the power she has away, the right way. Get inside her by sitting her down and not saying (there is nothing you can do about me and your dad) because my guess is that girl knows that after 7 years...
Tell her that you do not only want her to come to the wedding, but you honestly and truly want her to be your friend. Not her mom, her firned. She will most likely react like " I have friends, I don''t need you." Be calm and be sweet, and say that you would actually like to get to know her better, and perhaps take her out for a whole day and do something fun together. Ask her to pick something fun, and if she doesn''t, you choose. If she doesn''t cooperate at all, tell her that you will go out together when she is ready, and if she needs anyone to talk to about anything, you promise to be her friend, which means you promise to listen to her.
You can''t hate someone who is rational and loving, no matter how hard you try. Again, after all the bad blood, there is resentment on both sides, but you realize that this is a lifelong relationship, like a marraige, and you need to make sure both are healthy. You can earn her respect by being the adult and still showing that you can care for her DESPITE her attitutde towards you. Just bring home the point, you are NOT her mother''s replacement, but someone who wants to share in her family (she was there first, after all), and someone you hope she comes to admire, respect, and love...
She may need time, but constantly reassure her that you want to talk about her and her feelings, and issues. Be liberal on the hugs and warm human touches, and remember that anyone takes time to heal...
Good luck and I hope you guys do find a good solution. This can be such a burden on the heart that I hope you don''t get discouraged!!
As a person, when I am upset, telling me the obvious would just infuriate me, and I shut down. I am usually disarmed when someone I expect to be mean to me, is actually NICE and honest, and seems to care. Human being are vey vulnerable and can be hurt SO easily. She''s 13, that applies to her three fold!
Think of this: She''s is growing up and she doesn''t have someone (like a mother figure) to guide her through honestly the roughest part of her life. Around 13 she changes SO much from child to young woman, and no on is there to hold her hand, to stroke her hair. Sure her father is there at times, but usually a girl needs a mother in this stage. I don''t know what her relationship with her natural mom is...
Have you considered empathizing with her? Odd as it is, stop being mad, and consider that she can not break you up, and she may want. She has NO control over her father''s emotions, but to hate you herself, she DOES have that power. So take the power she has away, the right way. Get inside her by sitting her down and not saying (there is nothing you can do about me and your dad) because my guess is that girl knows that after 7 years...
Tell her that you do not only want her to come to the wedding, but you honestly and truly want her to be your friend. Not her mom, her firned. She will most likely react like " I have friends, I don''t need you." Be calm and be sweet, and say that you would actually like to get to know her better, and perhaps take her out for a whole day and do something fun together. Ask her to pick something fun, and if she doesn''t, you choose. If she doesn''t cooperate at all, tell her that you will go out together when she is ready, and if she needs anyone to talk to about anything, you promise to be her friend, which means you promise to listen to her.
You can''t hate someone who is rational and loving, no matter how hard you try. Again, after all the bad blood, there is resentment on both sides, but you realize that this is a lifelong relationship, like a marraige, and you need to make sure both are healthy. You can earn her respect by being the adult and still showing that you can care for her DESPITE her attitutde towards you. Just bring home the point, you are NOT her mother''s replacement, but someone who wants to share in her family (she was there first, after all), and someone you hope she comes to admire, respect, and love...
She may need time, but constantly reassure her that you want to talk about her and her feelings, and issues. Be liberal on the hugs and warm human touches, and remember that anyone takes time to heal...
Good luck and I hope you guys do find a good solution. This can be such a burden on the heart that I hope you don''t get discouraged!!
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