Response to Save the Dates

[punkin]

Hi, I just sent out my save the dates on Monday and they have already caused me some confusion. A friend sent me an e-mail to say she is moving out of the country before my wedding (I already knew she was moving, just not sure when) and she will not be able to come to the wedding.
So, do I still invite her? My instinct is yes - moving dates can change - but I don''t want her to feel that she has to send a gift even if she does not come to the wedding.

Anyone have a similar situation?

 

[ammayernyc]

We had someone tell us that he was going to be out of the country during our wedding so we shouldn''t bother to invite him. Frankly, we found that rude so we didn''t invite him.

 

[punkin]

Thanks. That made me laugh and puts a new perspective on it!

 

[Independent Gal]

We had this happen as well, although our save the dates were just casual e-mails to our friends and close family saying ''how''s life? Oh, and by the way, hold on to April 13th!''

So I was wondering the same thing. Do I still send the invitation?

I don''t know that I think it''s rude, at least in this friend''s case. She is a professional singer and has a concert booked that day. She''s under contract. Nothing she can do! So it was more ''Oh, what a shame! I won''t be able to come if it''s that day.'' I don''t think that''s necessarily rude. Maybe your friends moving out of the country just wanted you to know so that you could invite someone else, if, say, space is limited.

But now I don''t know whether to send my friend an invite either.

Anyone else know what the formal rule, if any, is in this case?

 

[Sha]

Date: 9/12/2007 10:43:08 PM
Author: Independent Gal
We had this happen as well, although our save the dates were just casual e-mails to our friends and close family saying ''how''s life? Oh, and by the way, hold on to April 13th!''


So I was wondering the same thing. Do I still send the invitation?


I don''t know that I think it''s rude, at least in this friend''s case. She is a professional singer and has a concert booked that day. She''s under contract. Nothing she can do! So it was more ''Oh, what a shame! I won''t be able to come if it''s that day.'' I don''t think that''s necessarily rude. Maybe your friends moving out of the country just wanted you to know so that you could invite someone else, if, say, space is limited.


But now I don''t know whether to send my friend an invite either.


Anyone else know what the formal rule, if any, is in this case?

Maybe you can send her a nice announcement instead. She would probably feel honoured that you still thought of her even though you knew she wouldn''t be able to attend. Sending an invitation might convey the message that you knew she couldn''t make it, but decided to send her the invite with the expectation of at least getting a gift. Of course that wouldn''t be your intention, but you know how things can be misinterpreted.

Punkin, how about checking in with her via email closer to your wedding/her moving date, to find out how she''s doing and to confirm whether her moving date is firm? Then you can know for sure whether or not to send the invite. I wouldn''t just send it without checking that first, for the same reason mentioned above.

 

[ladyciel]

Depending on the friend, I think my instinct would be to do something like send the invite w/ a note tucked inside saying "yes, I know you said you can''t come, but I just couldn''t bring myself to NOT invite you, seeing as how I would love to have you there! I hope this finds you well!" I know I have some friends who would appreciate the gesture, especially since they''d get to see the invites and feel included. It also keeps you covered in case their situation suddenly changes (wait, concert canceled by the venue?!?) between the time you speak with them and the RSVP deadline. I guess you could liken it an elderly relative who you love and would like to be there, but is too sick to travel. You both know the RSVP will be a no, but at the same time you still send the invite. It''s less about asking for a gift and more for acknowledging their meaning to you, and I think anyone who cares about you should understand that.

Another way to look at it: Before save the dates became common, guests would have just gotten an invite, and that would have been that. The purpose of STDs isn''t to give your guests the option of whether or not they''re invited. Whether they can come or not, they are still invited to be there. You don''t retract the invite....they decline it. Let them do so with the REAL invite.

 

[Kit]

Yes, exactly. If you don''t send an invite, then bottom line you haven''t invited your friend to your wedding. Besides, guests are really technically under no obligation to give wedding gifts.

 

[punkin]

Thanks everyone! This is all good advice. I''ll determine what to do a little closer to the date. Thankfullly, we are very comfortable and honest with each other so I don''t have to worry too much about her reaction, no matter what I do. If I have others to send announcements to (to make it worth ordering them), I might do that.