RSVP Jealousy

[decodelighted]

I''m not usually a jealous person (competitive: yes ... jealous: nah!) ...but this wedding thing (no suprise) is bringing out a lot of stuff I''m not used to.

I''m jealous that Sweetie is getting more "yes''s" than I am on our RSVPs.

Yes, I''m glad that I''m marrying someone with a lot of friends (unlike my somewhat lonerish father & previous beaus)

Yes, it''s great that so many folks are glad to trek long distances to see us hitch.

Yes, our wedding is taking place 10 minutes from HIS hometown & ten hours/four states away from MINE.

Yes, I''m happy that he''s happy.

BUT WHY DO I FEEL SO SAD/ JEALOUS/ COMEPETITIVE/ REJECTED????

All of a sudden I feel like I''m incompetent at friendship ... very GUILTY about letting GOOD friends (including many of whom I was IN their wedding party) drift away without much effort on my part ... not POPULAR, like HE is. Because some of my far away old friends have been RSVP-ing "no" ... where all of his are good to go. It''s so HIGH SCHOOL! But I''m 38 and I really wanna cry about it.

Besides the distance thing - intellectually I know that HE''s an only child - and has relied a lot more on the companionship of friends over the years ... where I, the oldest of SIX kids - had a "built in" set of peers/friends/companions. I read an article once that said you can only "emotionally invest" fully in about 10-12 people at any one time. My immediate family takes up a lot of my "slots".

And, for the last 10 plus years, I''ve been a freelance writer/producer - working alone a lot of the time, or with one or two immediate reports. Not a lot of co-worker friendships made in the last decade.

Feeling like a Social Leper is killing my Bridal Buzz. Advice? Co-miseration? Is this mic. on?

 

[aljdewey]

Send me an invite, Deco.....I''ll RSVP for your side!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/23/2006 1:44:34 PM
Author: aljdewey
Send me an invite, Deco.....I''ll RSVP for your side!

Thanks ALJ! Mrssalvo is supposed to come too - IF she can get Taylor Hicks as her date ...

Work on a code so you street address won''t be public knowledge & I''ll warm up my caligraphy pen again!

 

[larussel03]

I kind of know how you feel, Deco. I always thought I had a good number of close friends (which I do) but FI has more, his friends list is larger than mine, and he makes friends more easily/quickly than I do. So sometimes I feel jealous too. But then for the list, my family list is larger, and while that''s not the same, at least it justify''s me not inviting so many "friends" haha.

 

[SoonIHope]

I''m with Alj!!!

But as for your feelings, I toootally know where you''re coming from! I''m 3 years out of college, and right at that point where all my college people are going their own ways and I''m not keeping up with too many of them. It really is heartbreaking when people you love and WANT to stay really good friends with just sort of drift away even though neither party intends it to happen.... I guess I''ll just remind you that it isn''t the number of close relationships you have, it''s the quality of your relationships - I''m sure your siblings will always stay so close to you in a way people like me (only one brother, not so close) will forever be jealous of!

 

[Lorelei]

Deco, my woman, don't feel bad. We are all different and our friendships are unique and what we bring and take from them. It doesn't mean that you haven't given friendship your best shot or have lost the gift of being a friend, life intrudes in so many ways and often friendships have sell by dates, also being the busy engaged gal with a wedding to plan, priorities change both for you and for your friends as they go about their lives.

Try not to feel bad about it, but concentrate on the new life opening up for you with all it's wonderful possibilities, and see what good things come of it. I promise you, on your wedding day, you won't be too worried about which friends are there, you will be too excited about your day and your Husband. Also 10 hours and 4 States seems to be a great distance to a Brit like me for people to travel, as the wedding is taking place in HTB's hometown it is naturally easier for his pals to be able to come.

You don't strike me as a person who would have any trouble making and keeping friends, also I am sure even if your friends can't physically attend your wedding, they will be with you in spirit.

I have drifted too away from many good friends. I lead a different sort of life to them and the stitch of the " friendship fabric" we were weaving ( sorry to be cheesy

) was dropped on a number of occasions. We simply didn't have anything in common any more. It happens. No animosity, just the realization that the close friendship had run it's course, although we still consider each other to be friends, the closeness and involvement in each other's lives has ended.

Try not to worry, your wedding will be wonderful!

 

[KimberlyH]

Hi deco,

While I can''t relate in regards to the wedding (it was so small and my family so large I didn''t invite friends so they couldn''t respond, while all of John''s family is deceased except for his mom, so he invited all friends) I can in general. We live in his home town, and all of my adult friends live about 8 houts away from us. I go to school full time online and am pretty much a loner, which is odd because I am actually quite the social butterfly.

I can comiserate wit you, but I don''t have much in the way of advice. I use email a lot to keep in touch with friends (I HATE the telephone) and talk to my mom pretty much every day.

I''m sorry you''re feeling this way.

 

[AmberWaves]

You guys think that''s bad? We made up our guest list- out of 140 people, 3 are my friends. He has 30-something and I have 3. THREE. Three people who want to share the rest of my life with me. And that''s before RSVPs! It really makes me very depressed. I''m sorry deco, if it makes you feel better, your wedding is SOO much cooler than ours, hell- I''d rather RSVP to yours than go to my OWN.

 

[FireGoddess]

Me three! I''ll come.

I know what it''s like to have the wedding near all of HIS friends...all of mine were 3000 miles away! You could hardly GET further away and still be in the same country!

I would try not to make it into a personal thing...perhaps people can''t take the time off, or have already used up their vacation time, or don''t want to fly...sure, these things aren''t great excuses, but they are reasons people have all the time. While you''d hope that people would overcome these things to be there for your big day, sometimes they can''t. Chin up girl, you''re not a social leper!

 

[Mokey]

Another thing to consider is that just because he has MORE friends, doesn''t mean they are BETTER friends. Women make friends differently and more deeply than men. You are not a social leper! We all think you are fab!

 

[jcrow]

for me, i don''t think i''ll be jealous as much as i''ll just be sad. it''ll make me realize that i don''t have a close family or lots of close friends. from the beginning, we sorta had to cut some of his side as far as the guest list goes because there were just so many- several times my side''s amount.

honestly, i could easily just have 5 out of 100ish guest list representing my family.

 

[fatafelice]

Deco, I''m not to the RSVP point yet, but I can sympathize with the basic idea. There are a few people whom I ALWAYS thought would be at my wedding, but now we''ve drifted apart. Having moved to NJ, where he grew up, I don''t really have any real friends, but he does. I think what you are feeling is completely natural. Just remember, the people who truly care about you will be there -- and if they can''t, they will be with you in spirit.

 

[dballing]

Babe, babe, babe.... keep some things in mind...

1.) Like you said, I''ve got a whole mess of friends who are really close-by, it''s a twenty-minute drive, not a twelve-hour trek with a hotel stay.

2.) I''m not THAT popular, just remember that for all the people I''m inviting right now, I still spent the majority of my life as a social-outcast.

3.) We did only give people a little under two months notice about the wedding, and it is on a holiday weekend. Save-the-date cards might have been a really good investment, if we''d had any idea about the catering numbers and such ahead of time... then people could have planned better, especially people who might have to drive or fly a long distance to get here.

So I think fate is just sorta stacked against you a little bit on this one, and I''d definitely try not to take it personally, or let it get you down. It''s not like anyone wrote a note on the RSVP telling you to "Sod off, I''m not going to THAT!"... they just can''t necessarily make the plans on the shorter notice with the holiday and all...

Hugs,
Me.

 

[AmberWaves]

Oh, that''s so nice Decosguy!! Very cute. I like how he listed things, Deco! My fiance is like, "Eh, people like me more, deal with it. *wink*" Psh.. At least I hope you like your FI''s friends! Paul''s are all 40 year old "Parrotheads" who mock his choice of lifestyle- kids and the like.

 

[JessaJS]

How cute is it that Decosbeau wrote in? My DF is so oblivious to the world of PS and all that fun stuff...
Anyway,
Everyone is totally right! It''s normal to feel down by the situation, but try not to take it personally.

I know that I haven''t had a lot of people I would consider friends in my lifetime, more people who were acquaintances who came in and out of my life. My best friend is my cousin, and I don''t even see much of her anymore as she''s single and out partying it up most of the time.

However, lack of hundreds of friends or not, I know that the people I consider true friends of mine are always going to be there with me - in spirit if they aren''t able to make the trip to my wedding.

Keep your head up!
When you consider how many PS friends you have, you''re way more popular than your DF. hehe

 

[aussiegirl23]

Deco''sBeau:

too cute that you found your darling''s post here and are reassuring her!

hope everything goes well for the wedding...

And Deco - I''ll likely be in the same boat - I have a few really tight friends (like 3) and my boy has a crowd (like 30) of friends... So I''m pretty sure our church will be well... um... lopsided! Tough to stay optimistic, I know - but really, don''t let the numbers bug you too badly! You''re loved - whether it be by family, friends, or your seemingly-lovely fiance.

Cheer up! wedding is almost here!

Aussiegirl : p

 

[jcrow]

how cute is that?!!

Deco'sBeau- big points to u! (not that you need any... just saying...)

ok, now i'm jealous.

 

[allycat0303]

Deco! You''re so cute honey. And so is your man.

Although all seriousness here, I feel the same way. My baby has a GAZILLION friends. His cell phone rings like 12-13 times a night. My cell phone.....well maybe the battery is dead???

I have maybe 6 friends that I am inviting to my wedding. True friends that I would trust with my life with, that if I could would all be my maid of honor. On his side, we''re talking at least 20-25 friends. He''s this big social spider (notice I''m not saying butterfly because it is an annoyance sometimes)

And I used to feel, until this year that I was a loner, but I''ve made some girl friends in med that are terrific. All I can say is to cherish the friendships you have...and there''s no sense beating yourself up for feeling down that your friends won''t be at your wedding. It''s the biggest day of your life, and you want to be surrounded by those you love. Chin up babe!

 

[decodelighted]

THANKS PS BUDS!!! (and Beau!)

I had a nice long cry, a hot shower & a snack ... which def helped some ... but coming back to all these sweet, supportive notes is SO APPRECIATED!! I''d gladly put an extra pig on the ol'' pig roast if only you guys could join the party!

It helps so much to know I''m not the only one who feels this way - man, weddings make you really reevaluate everything

. After the wedding I already know I''m going to make some efforts to be more social & make new friends now that I know how strongly I actually feel about it!

Amberwaves -- I sure hope our wedding will be as cool as you''re predicting! I''ve stopped updating ''cause I''m a little nervous it''s not "cool" enough! Must check out your plans - but I''m sure they''ll be plenty COOL!

Sweetpea, Firegoddess, Albi, Jcrow, Aussiegirl ... my "can relate" crowd ...ooof, it feels better just to get it out there. It''s terrible to feel guilty for FEELING GUILTY.

Lorilei, Mokey, KimH, Fatafelice, JessaJs ... great advice from each of you. I''m gonna keep reading it over & over tonight. I think today was especially hard because my best friend growing up, known her since I was three, was a Bridesmaid in her wedding, and her sister is my sister''s best friend even now ...just sent a "no" ... no note, no email, nothing.

and Decosbeau ((who I suspect also stopped by the "Finally The Right Band" thread to confirm I only posted two pix

)) ... Thanks babe. Very sweet & comforting. Slightly ironic that tonight is "Guys Out Geek Night" and I''ll be home alone *sniff* ....

but better that than BOTH of us being Social Outcasts

Yr. prob right about the travel & the two months & the lack of Save The Dates & the holiday weekend. Sometimes FATE sucks! What''s AWESOME is marrying you beside the barn in the apple orchard - no matter WHO comes, and if we never find a cupcake tower, and even if the "someone''s cousin DJ" plays the Macerena all night long.

 

[KimberlyH]

Deco,

Those factors your beau mentioned pretty major..find a good book to read this evening, that''s my favorite way to escape and combat my loneliness. OR perhaps call one of those old friends to chat. At least you''ll feel a connection to those people you''re missing, even if they can''t make it to the wedding. My friends have to remind me the phone goes both ways!!

Take care of yourself.

 

[FireGoddess]

Deco''sbeau gets

in my book. (And thanks for letting her post pictures of the wedding band - we''re ring addicts and we needs-our-fix!!)

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Decodelighted,

Our situation will be similar: we''ll marry close to Paul''s hometown, his friends have been his friends for life, basically, and my friends are primarily in Cali, and going to Georgia is a BIG trip for most of them, as they now have small *three years and under* children. Friends from my current home will go, because it''s only about a 6 hour drive, but still, there aren''t a ton of them. To that add that my family on my dad''s side is in the midst of serious issues due to all the siblings of my dad are stubborn as all heck and won''t let a dispute from a couple years back go. Paul''s family is all pretty much on good terms, and again, they all live nearby. Our goal is to have a small, or at least smallish, wedding, but I do kind of get the jitters when I think about *my* side of the church being less populated than his. I''m not jealous, yet, anyway, but I do kind of worry that I''ll feel a little "loser-like" when I walk down and see that he has more people *representing* for him. I feel a touch of high school setting in, too. Haha. Thought those days were LONG gone. Or so I was hoping!!

How big is your wedding going to be? I think that once the actual wedding part ends, you can''t really identify who''s there for who at the reception. Maybe the ceremony portion is planned to be short?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/23/2006 5:59:24 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly
How big is your wedding going to be? I think that once the actual wedding part ends, you can''t really identify who''s there for who at the reception. Maybe the ceremony portion is planned to be short?

Ya know ... I don''t think I''ve given too much thought to the "unbalanced" sides at the ceremony yet ... probably ''cause I have a MESS O''FAMILY than helps my "cause" there. And I''m pretty sure that day itself will be kind of a daze - no time for focused angst like that!

I think it''s this dribs & drabs rejection ... he picks up the mail everyday & the first thing we talk about each morning lately is how many RSVPS ... and for the fourth or fifth day in a row ALL HIS had been "You betcha" and my ONE was "No Way Jose". So ... less invites all together for me ... and bigger % of REJECTION. Today, with my best childhood friend not even writing a note or a "Congrats" or anything on the card, it just CRUSHED ME.

Both of us are at fault for not keeping in closer contact -- we just grew apart as people with nothing in common but growing up on the same block tend to do sometimes ... but I had JUST seen her & her husband last Spring at a family funeral (her sister''s unborn infant). Her family & his family are from this area (coincidentally - cause we grew up in the South) and - I dunno - I really thought she''d come, at least JUST her with her sister who is my sister''s best friend. Our families are very intertwined & still live on the same block. I went to all but one of their "family weddings" ... no NOTE? NOTHING? I''m sad about other people - but they''ve mostly explained or at least written little cute things ... but this one just threw me into a tailspin.

Poor Sweetie didn''t even know to brace me for it ... he was just like IM-ing me "XXX & XXX" are a NO and I burst into tears at the computer.

I def think some wine is in order tonight! (Don''t worry -- I''m a once a month/ 1 1/2 glass type ... you won''t have to search the streets for me tonight!)

 

[diamondfan]

Don''t beat yourself up about this!!! It is normal, and it hurts if someone does not make the effort for you, when you did for them. Yes, you understand it intellectually, but it is still hurtful. Not to say these people won''t continue to be friends and in your life, but now that you are embarking on a new life, maybe you and hubby will make friends together and you will see how it all works out in the end. Be happy for the positives, and find people or places that you can vent the other stuff...it is all fine in the end...so do not fret. Being honest and facing your feelings is healthier than denying them anyday!

 

[AmberWaves]

Oh Deco, that just SUCKS. I would be upset, too. I mean, how can you help it? Maybe this will make you laugh a bit: My ex boyfriend, the one I dated before Paul- and had some major bad fights with= anyway, just got in contact with me. And when I told him I was getting married, he was like, "Yeah, I made a real mistake with you, and in the years we''ve been apart, no one loved me like you did." Dur. So then he was like, "This may sound weird to you, bur I really want to come to your wedding. I think we could really catch up." Catch up!! what the hell? Invite him to my wedding? At this rate, I''m going to have 4 people on my side, and one of them I hate. Jeez.

Good luck Deco! You''d get a YELLED Yes!!! from me!

 

[dballing]

Ya want to feel better?

I just had a family member RSVP "no"... so far all of your invited family are coming.

So, no worries, babe.

Hugs,
Me

 

[Lorelei]

Decosbabe, you are one sweet man!

 

[Tybee]

O Darling,

I haven''t read anyone''s replies yet, but I wanted to post right away and send you a big>>>>!

It''s so hard when we realize that we drift away from our friends.
I''m 38 too! I''m obviously not close at all to any high school friends--
Actually, not close to any college friends either! Come to think about it. Most of our guests were OUR friends...
the people that we''ve come to know as a couple.
I guess if I really thought about it, and split the guest list up, he had more of HIS friends come
than I did. He has a crazy amount of friends-- we actually had to cut his list down.
I guess it made me realize what a sweet and social guy he is.

The whole wedding thing made me really want to reconnect with all the old friends that I''d neglected.
Maybe there can be a positive spin in there somewhere?

 

[Tybee]

DUH!
I should have read the whole thread!
I missed out on the cuteness!
My husband would''ve NEVER chimed in on PS lol!
Way to go Deco and Deco''s sweet sweet sweet beau!

Hey, another thing. My husband could have had 10 groomsmen! He had a hard time whittling it down!
I only had 4 BMs... sort of felt like a loser (lol!)

 

[sanfranciscoellen]

Chiming in a little late here, but wanted to add: It won''t be long before the sharp line defining your friends and his friends will blur. And they will be "your: collective" friends. In most cases. Except for that one guy who every guy knows who is a little too into D&D and who you suspect wears girls underwear under his dockers

Your beau can keep him to himself....

I''d wager in a year or two his friends will be like, "Where''s Deco? She''s waaaay cooler than you, dude."