Sad.. almost proposal for a friend

[fieryred33143]

Date: 7/8/2008 11:54:18 AM
Author: purrfectpear
In this case FMIL certainly does NOT get a pass for her meddling rude behavior.

That said, it sounds like this young man is not really ready for the responsibilities of marriage or he would have smiled sweetly saying ''thanks FMIL, I''ll keep that in mind'' and then gone ahead with his proposal with HIS ring. The fact that he did not, speaks volumes. Her opinion should be easily ignored by someone who confidently recognized it was not her business.

While the FMIL is a witch, it is really HIS faux pas IMO. It is his proposal, his decision, his responsibility and his ring. I wonder if he isn''t going to be dependent upon the inlaws for some financial help (paying for the ring, paying for the wedding, paying for a house?), and that is why he kow-towed to the FMIL? Either that or he needs to grow up a little.

I agree.

If he starts playing the game of well let’s see where I can pull money out of to make everyone else happy, he’s never going to win (or be happy for that matter) and subsequently neither will she.

HA if this is how she is with the ring...the wedding planning is going to be a nightmare.

 

[surfgirl]

While that mother was all kinds of wrong to say that to her FSIL, I think the issue and how it was handled rests squarely on the shoulders of the guy. He needs to grow a sack and stand up to this domineering FMIL, otherwise he''s in for a lifetime of more of the same.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Maybe it has nothing to do with the size of the ring, and the mother just doesn''t like the guy. She knows he can''t afford a bigger ring right now, so she shot him down in that way. I''m thinking that if she liked the guy, she probably wouldn''t have insulted his ring in that way. I''m also guessing that she might think her daughter wants a bigger ring. Whether she''s looking out for what her daughter wants or looking out for what she wants for her daughter, she has done what she feels is in the interest of her daughter. I agree with the other posters that said that it''s really about how the guy handled it.

Good luck to them!

 

[that_someone_special]

Wow what is it with nosy mothers lately???? The size of the diamond is between the bf & gf ONLY.. not her mother. Oh jeez. If I heard about this (that my mother did that to me) I would be SO furious!!! Poor guy.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 7/8/2008 11:31:42 AM
Author: fieryred33143
I don''t know what is more of a concern and what is worse for the future of this couple:

The fact that his mom would prevent him from proposing because the ring wasn''t up to par

Or

That he is trying to keep up with the family''s materialistic views.

What''s going to happen when the house he buys is too small? Or the vacation is not extravagent enough? Or the clothing for their children is not expensive enough?

Good luck to them both. They will need it.

Exactly. That''s gonna be a life of never being good enough.

Cultural? Maybe. But that''s probably what the guy who strangled his divorcing daughter in GA said yesterday. "I was saving face. It''s cultural."

He should have proposed. Adults, over eighteen, do not need permission. They don''t need approval. If he had kept his plans to himself, we wouldn''t even have a topic here.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 7/8/2008 12:37:20 PM
Author: surfgirl
While that mother was all kinds of wrong to say that to her FSIL, I think the issue and how it was handled rests squarely on the shoulders of the guy. He needs to grow a sack and stand up to this domineering FMIL, otherwise he''s in for a lifetime of more of the same.

I love the way you so succinctly and precisely sum things up!!!! You are so in my head; those were my thoughts right down to "grow a".

 

[ringless]

Wow, I knew this would get a lot of responses! I know how you all feel. If I was his girlfriend and my mom did this I would not be happy. I too believe our friend (the guy in this situation) should have stepped up and said "It''s not about the ring, but I do appreciate your concern". This couple lives with the girls mom temporarily so I think it was just second nature for him to share the exciting news with her mom. But I do know he was really looking forward to proposing the way he had originally planned and was talking about it to my boyfriend for a couple months beforehand, so it''s pretty depressing how everything went down. I would like to talk to our friend and see how he feels about the whole situation... wonder if he agreed with the mom or regrets not proposing and doing it his way.

 

[Izzy03]

wow, wrong on the mothers part AND the BF''s part

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I''m curious - how big was the original diamond and how big did Mrs. Bitch-in-law want it to be?

 

[supergirl10]

Wow ok. The only time i would find it mildly ok for my mother to interfere with my bf planned proposal and already purchased ring was one of the following scenarios:
1. Diamond was a princess cut - i really dislike them (on me)
2. Ring was yellow gold (it looks HIDEOUS on my skin tone)
3. He was going into a great deal of debt,financial stress etc and all of it was unnecessary
* as im sure most will agree size really doesn''t cut my priority list as im sure others will agree.

If anyone has read my post about younger sis getting engaged? She received a yellow gold ring and she apparently wanted white gold. Personally i much prefer yellow gold on her (and it would suit him better). But regardless of this she love loves the ring and doesn''t want to take it off because of what it means and HE gave it to her!

"I''m curious - how big was the original diamond and how big did Mrs. Bitch-in-law want it to be?" .... ME TOO!!!

 

[ringless]

Ok, found out a little more info. turns out our friend, the guy didn''t purchase the ring yet he was showing the mother online, and she said it looked small. STILL... either way she butted in and it isn''t her business how big or small the ring is. If he liked it he should have purchased it and proposed anyway.

 

[bee*]

How rude! I would kill my mother if I found out that had happened.

 

[Rhea]

It''s a bit better that it was a photo of the ring. Maybe the mother thought they were having a casual conversation. Whatever the case this is something he really needs to discuss with his girlfriend, not her mother. And we all know that rings look very different in photos than they do on fingers!

 

[Anna0499]

I don't find it as offensive now that we know it was just a photo of a ring he was thinking about giving to his GF. It would've been quite different if he had already bought it, but maybe he was just asking the FMIL what she thought about it and she gave her honest opinion that it was small. Also, because the couple currently lives with the FMIL, she might have had an idea of their financial situation (could be in debt or could have a lot of money saved up) and that might've affected her comments as well. I agree that it is more indicative of the BF that he would so readily do whatever the FMIL wanted, but because he had not bought the ring yet, maybe the FMIL's comments were just what he was asking for.

 

[purrfectpear]

Hmmm, this is a horse of an entirely different color.

Hopefully FMIL looked at the pic and said something like "dear FSIL, that''s a sweet ring but I think my daughter might have been hoping for something larger", rather than "that''s the tiniest diamond in the world, WTH were you thinking? you can''t possibly give that to my daughter"

Guess we''ll never know. I just hope the guy didn''t get so intimidated that he thinks he has to save up for another year

 

[mrm]

My bet is your friend probably discovered the ring he was looking at and asked her mom to tell hiim that .

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 7/9/2008 9:39:11 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Hmmm, this is a horse of an entirely different color.

Hopefully FMIL looked at the pic and said something like ''dear FSIL, that''s a sweet ring but I think my daughter might have been hoping for something larger'', rather than ''that''s the tiniest diamond in the world, WTH were you thinking? you can''t possibly give that to my daughter''

Guess we''ll never know. I just hope the guy didn''t get so intimidated that he thinks he has to save up for another year

I''m thinking the same thing. It''s totally different if he was asking for an opinion. Giving her the benefit of the doubt its also possible that she just made a passing comment like "oh that ring is lovely...wonder if you can get a bigger diamond?" Who knows.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/9/2008 9:50:14 PM
Author: mrm
My bet is your friend probably discovered the ring he was looking at and asked her mom to tell hiim that .

Hmm. Very possible, considering they are all under the same roof. If that kept cropping up in the family computer''s browsing history, would your average LIW be able to resist peeking?

Or conversely, it''s possible that the girlfriend and her mom had already had discussions about what she was hoping for in a ring. My guy tapped both my best friend and my mother for sleuthing help when he was picking out a ring for (very opinionated lil'') me, so perhaps the mother was acting on what she knew of her daughter''s preferences.

We''ll never know. But the fact that he showed her a photo of it and presumably asked for her thoughts does make this a horse of a different colour.