Sad today

[Larissa]

Date: 9/1/2006 3:22:26 PM
Author: Mara
FWIW...I don''t think you are being ''unreasonable'' or ''petty'', sadie....I don''t think I said that, Amber so I''d appreciate it if you''d not put words into my mouth. That''d be fab, thanks.


I guess I just think that there is often room for more than one opinion. Meaning that some people may give you that metaphorical hand holding. But others may be like...hey here''s another way to think about it....rather than the way that is obviously upsetting you. There is always room for more than one way to view things in my opinion and that''s because there are many types of gals on here. There''s not room for just ONE way.


It''s funny because sometimes I view some of the posts on here like come on girls!!! Do you REALLY think that you are the first women to feel this way? Or that you are abnormal? Of course not!!!! Walk through the top 5 posts in LIW. They are all basically the same thing. Why won''t he do it, what does THIS mean...when is it going to happen, is it EVER going to happen. There is a ton of women out there that feel that way. None of it is wrong of course. eBree said it in a fabulous manner (I love Van Wilder, eBree!!) about the worrying and the rocking chair. Why even go there?!? Surely there are more constructive uses of your time right?? And I don''t mean that in a derogatory way but AGAIN, as a ''hey look at it this way'' kinda way. I mean this more for the gals who know it''s coming and just can''t seem to chill out!


I also tend to think that LIW''s get super defensive if anyone else comes in with some opinion other than ''aww girlfriend, i feel for you, hugs''...and it''s unfortunate! Because everyone is just trying to help, in their own way, whether it does or not. Everyone is well-intentioned. People put opinions out on a public forum and you have to filter through what you want to take to heart and what you don''t, just put aside. Really it''s your choice. And I wouldn''t be offended if you didn''t agree with me. It doesn''t really matter in the scheme of things, it''s your life, I just put some info out there and you can do whatever you want with it.


Lastly, AW....obviously you took the ''original'' LIW comment as some sort of affront, which is not the case at all. My point was (seriously sometimes I feel like I am speaking another language or something) just that I think that some of the married gals here have some wisdom that other gals, less defensive or more open minded gals, could benefit from. That''s all. If you don''t agree, then that''s cool. My use of the term ''original'' was just meaning that people like Alj and I were around in BWW before there was even a LIW and she and I supported each other and gave each other kicks in the pants when we were being silly and it bonded us. There wasn''t even a forum for this stuff. So take it for what it''s worth. Or not.

Totally and completely agree!!

I feel as though I often come on here with a slightly different persceptive, but really, I''m just trying to help...my help is just not in the form of hugs.

 

[akw94]

Date: 9/1/2006 2:21:53 PM
Author: aljdewey

I often DO wonder if this board makes it worse for some of you. Sometimes fanning the fire only makes a bigger fire, if you know what I mean.

I just don''t see any shortcut for having a very candid, CALM discussion. ''Here''s where I see us going. I know it''s what I want, but I''m not sure if you''ve already decided it''s what you want, too. I need to know if you see us heading toward a permanent commitment. If you do, when? What things need to happen beforehand to make it possible?''

Hoping and making assumptions without expressing those thoughts only leads to being frustrated, disappointed, and dissatisfied. How you navigate this portion of your relationship will set the tone for how you navigate the challenges of marriage....how you''ll express needs/wants/expectations, and how you''ll resolve them.

Ok, this isn''t my thread or anything but just wanted to say THANKS to Aljdewey. I really appreciated your comments as I am finding myself in a place where I need to have one of those candid, calm discussions this evening. Making assumptions does everything that you indicated and I am guilty of doing that all too often.

Sadie, sorry things aren''t moving as fast as you''d hoped but I would try to keep in mind that your bf is making very positive steps. It is hard when you have things set in your mind one way and they don''t quite happen that way. It can be disappointing. I haven''t quite figured out how not to have certain expectations or not to let things upset me when a situation changes, but I''m working on it. I also agree that showing him the forum probably wouldn''t help too much. Keep telling yourself, only another month or so, only another month or so rather than, one more long month and hopefully it''ll get a little easier.

 

[sadie123]

Date: 9/1/2006 4:09:17 PM
Author: aljdewey
did anyone read my post about his promise on my b-day in march that he would propose by the end of the summer? if you haven''t seen it, please go back and take a look. i think it would explain how i''m feeling a lot.

I don''t know why I''m going to bother trying to help more after the tone of this thread, but call me a slow learner because I''m going to try anyway.

DISCLAIMER: The following is intended to be HELPFUL. If you don''t find it helpful, please just ignore it and realize it''s offered with good intentions, ok?

1. It''s not yet end of summer (since summer doesn''t end until mid-September).....OR

2. Also, it''s possible that he''s trying to throw you off to maintain some semblance of surprise......OR

3. It''s possible that he''s realized he doesn''t have enough to pay off the ring on time, so he''s trying to let you know that it won''t be ''end of summer'' so you won''t be disappointed when end of summer comes. Sounds like he''s trying to reset expectations accordingly.

I think you''re getting upset because you want to get the hall booked, and you''re afraid that if it drags on, you won''t be able to get your venue for 9/2007, and I think that''s what causing the stress/disappointment right now.

So, I think one thing you could try is talking calmly to BF to explain that you know the ring an the ''official-ness'' is just a formality, and while you don''t mind waiting for the formality, you''re anxious about the hall being booked for September 2007 by the time you''re ''official''. Maybe he''ll relent on that.

it''s probably #3 if any of them. he basically said last night that it was going to oct. or later that''s how i know it won''t be end of summer. i''ll try to talk to him about the hall one more time, as calmly as i can manage. he wants a septmeber wedding too afterall.

 

[Mara]

i always tell greg in general....it''s so important to SET EXPECTATIONS for whatever happens in life.

i''ll use a really random example that happened to us recently. we were coming back from dinner from half moon bay taking this one road that is fastest to the freeway. on the way down it was open and clear, and on the way home there was some work being done apparently. it was 10pm on a friday night. they had signs that said ''road work, prepare to slow''...and then some random guy waving a flag. then nothing for 2 miles. then suddenly, flashing lights and a dead stop. we sat there for TEN MINUTES behind a line of other cars and a bunch of cars behind us. i am flipping out. what''s going on, are we stuck, why is it taking so long. greg is thinking we should turn around and go back to this other side road that can take us to the freeway but it takes FOREVER as it''s really windy and one lane. i''m thinking no that we should just stay put, we are close to the freeway so hopefully we move soon. finally after 15 minutes of nothingness (and me making him honk the horn a few times just to feel like we are somehow doing something to make our displeasure known!), we start to move. this is just as i am about to like lose my mind and jump out of the car screaming. i''m not that patient obviously. we drive by the guys waving the signs, they are doing road work and funneling cars down a makeshift one lane so we had to wait for the other cars to finish then we could go. but HELLO, 15 minutes of cars coming the other direction and us sitting there was a bit much!!! with no word, nothing from the road crew, no loudspeaker saying whats going on, nada. i was like was there an accident, what happened. etc.

so as we drove slowly down the makeshift lane, i was fuming all the way to the freeway. setting expectations. if we had KNOWN that there was a wait, we might have taken the other route originally. if we had KNOWN there was something happening and someone walking up and down the line going ''the wait is 15 minutes''...we''d have acted accordingly and sat there for 15 or turned around. if we had KNOWN it was only going to be a few more minutes after the 10, we might not have been so fuming by 15. how hard is is to set expectations?? if we had had our expectations set, we wouldn''t have been freaking out in the car, freaking out on each other, freaking out on the road workers as we drove by. there would have been no freaking at all. no fuming, no angry feelings towards the city...hehee. it''s just amazing what setting some expectations can give people, in terms of peace of mind.

the point of this long ramble, sadie, is that your bf is trying to set your expectations. it may not be the expectation that you were hoping for (aka for us having NO wait vs 15 minutes would have been preferrable, but i''d still rather have KNOWN about the 15 minute wait)...but he IS trying!! i would at least appreciate the fact he is acknowledging that he is working towards it and it IS a priority. so give him some credit IMO. and hang in there.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 9/1/2006 4:25:19 PM
Author: dixie94

Ok, this isn''t my thread or anything but just wanted to say THANKS to Aljdewey. I really appreciated your comments as I am finding myself in a place where I need to have one of those candid, calm discussions this evening. Making assumptions does everything that you indicated and I am guilty of doing that all too often.

Sadie, sorry things aren''t moving as fast as you''d hoped but I would try to keep in mind that your bf is making very positive steps. It is hard when you have things set in your mind one way and they don''t quite happen that way. It can be disappointing. I haven''t quite figured out how not to have certain expectations or not to let things upset me when a situation changes, but I''m working on it. I also agree that showing him the forum probably wouldn''t help too much. Keep telling yourself, only another month or so, only another month or so rather than, one more long month and hopefully it''ll get a little easier.

You''re really welcome, Dixie!

Glad to have helped.

Regarding having expectations, I can only say that I personally found that it was easier to be patient when I knew HE knew what my expectations were (and vice versa). And, I also found that it helps to be able to be flexible when circumstances arise that make us have to change those expectations.

(Now) Hubby and I agreed to move in together. In discussing it, we agreed that engagement should follow in 6-12 months. We moved in first of November that year (2002). While I knew the time frame was 6-12 months, I also realized that the lease on his car was expiring the following September, 2003, and that meant he''d have to buy a car. (We had talked about why it makes more sense for him to buy than to lease.)

Being debt-adverse, he wanted to put a huge chunk of cash down on the car. I knew that if he did that, he''d likely have to build up reserves again. So, I realized that it likely wouldn''t be realistic to expect proposal in Sept/Oct of 2003 and that I''d need to adjust my expectations to avoid disappointment. I wasn''t bothered by the realization, so I never discussed it with him ....but I absolutely would have if it had bothered me. I figured it wouldn''t likely happen prior to spring, 2004 and decided I''d broach the topic in April, 2004 to get a revised timeline if he didn''t mention it first.

Turns out he asked me in the end of November.....without the ring so I could pick it out, and we bought it in December.

 

[sadie123]

I would love it if he proposed without the ring!! He knows that too. Oh, well. Waiting it is.