Sandia-Rose

[Keepingthefaith21]

Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing...wondering how your weekend went.

I know there are a lot of others who are concerned about you on this board so I am starting this thread to send well wishes and positive thoughts your way without you having to revisit your OP.

I hope you are doing well and look forward to an update.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I second this! I, too, have been wondering how you''re doing... Please let us know - we all care about you!!!

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Thirded - I hope that you are doing well and want you to know we''re all thinking of you and wondering how you are doing.

 

[Erin]

And I hope you already know, just because some of us have an opinion on your situation doesn''t mean it''s correct.
We got a snapshot view of your relationship but only you have the whole perspective.
We just want to make sure you know we''re here for you, you know, should you need us.

 

[bee*]

I agree with Starset. I hope that everything''s ok.

 

[designchica]

Me too!! Let us know how you are doing!!

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 2/18/2008 3:32:31 PM
Author: Starset Princess
And I hope you already know, just because some of us have an opinion on your situation doesn''t mean it''s correct.
We got a snapshot view of your relationship but only you have the whole perspective.
We just want to make sure you know we''re here for you, you know, should you need us.

I agree Sandia! I didn''t comment on your other thread because I only read it last night (I''ve been far behind), but I hope you are doing well and hope you will come update us!


Total threadjack, but the highlighted line above made me think of the movie the labyrinth. You know, at the end where hoggle and everyone is like "should you need us............yes, should you need us? And Sarah goes, "but I do need you!" and they all party and sing "dance magic dance". Ah, childhood. End threadjack!!!

 

[EricaR]

I''ve been thinking about you, too. Please check in and let us know how you are doing!!!

 

[FrekeChild]

Hey Sandia, I hope you''re doing alright, and I really hope that you check in soon.

You''re in my thoughts...

 

[ladypirate]

I''ve been wondering how you are as well--I hope your weekend went ok.

 

[gwendolyn]

I hope you''re doing ok, honey. Please let us know how you''re doing soon.

 

[sandia_rose]

Hey, Ladies.....

Thank you soooooo much for posting that you''re thinking of me. My weekend was OK. I''ve had a few conversations with my BF since Friday and I had dinner with him at his house last night. I did not stay over because I wasn''t prepared to, anyway. I had just dropped my son off at his father''s house and was on my way home when he called me in the car to ask if I wanted to have dinner with him (sure...why not? saved me from having to cook). I ended up going home and being on the phone until 2A with an upset/ticked off girlfriend of mine whose brother is in the hospital and is potentially very sick. Long story, but unknown to me, he was taken to the ER on Saturday night because he was doubled over in pain and, due to the ER staff not properly diagnosing him, his kidneys are damaged and he may need dialysis (he has other serious health issues that got him to that point). My friend is a volunteer EMT and she is apalled/fired up at the hospital. Talking with her got my mind off my own stuff.

I did have to stop by my BF''s house on Friday after work to get my overnight bag, and he was getting ready to go to the club for the show (I did not go). I made it short and sweet - grabbed my bag and started walking out. He wanted to talk and I didn''t. All I said was that I thought about his "move in for a month" offer, thought it was bull**t and that it wasn''t good enough and that I hoped he had a good show.

I had my son all weekend, so I concentrated on him instead. Talked with my best friend (she lives in another state) late Saturday night after my son went to bed. She told me that she thought I was blowing all of this out of proportion and actually creating the problem. She has meet my BF several times in person and likes him. She has dated her boyfriend now for going on 4 years. His life is as complicated as my BF''s in that he has an ex-wife from hell who won''t allow him to sell the house they own together, kids, a business that isn''t doing well, etc. She said, "I enjoy my life with him as it is now -- not where I want it to be. Being with someone two years is no time at all. I think you are expecting a lot from this man without bothering to take into consideration what he''s dealing with." So that gave me some food for thought, too.

At this point, I am just sitting here and doing nothing. I have said everything I can say. Like I said, my BF and I have talked and seen each other since Friday...but it''s obviously tense. My BF and I are going away to New Orleans on vacation next week for 5 days. I had bought and paid for the trip before Christmas as a birthday gift for him -- we were supposed to go in January when his birthday actually was, but we rescheduled due to his mother''s illness. Honestly, if this trip did not involve non-refundable airline tickets, I would have just cancelled it. I don''t want to go right now. But I am going. My best friend convinced me. She said, "You love that city, and time away from your familiar environment might help the problem. You guys will be able to talk without being interrupted by kids and, gee, maybe you guys will remember why you love each other in the first place." She made a good point during our conversation. Said, "If you guys really saw no future in this and you really didn''t want to be together, you would have broken up last week. Obviously, there is enough there to where you''re both on the fence, trying to figure it out."

So, I''m just sitting in work now, drinking my coffee and looking out the window. I am trying not to think about any of this. I have my counseling appointment tonight and I''m going to discuss this subject there. Maybe I''ll take a ride to see my friend''s brother in the hospital. That friend also had a good point, which I am digesting. She told me to just let this sit for now. No ultimatums. No more talking about it. She said, "If you want to spend time alone, do that. But if you choose to spend time with him, just try to concentrate on what you like about each other. If you can''t be in his presence right now without resentment, then stay away. Why don''t you just let this sort itself out?"

Which is what I am doing. I''m feeling much better just drilling into my job. I''ll see how the next week and the vacation goes and then will see how I feel about it.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Bridget,

I''m happy that you have someone who knows you both IRL and can give honest opinions, especially if she''s in a similar situation. I love the advice that she gave you, though - if you were going to break up, it would have been last week, when all this went down. You''ve got a reason to stick around, and you need to go with your gut feeling on this. Maybe getting away together will make you realize why you fell in love with him in the first place - I think it''s a good idea to still go, reconnect with him - with no other distractions, and no ultimatiums.

I''m glad to hear you''re doing better. ***big hugs***

 

[gwendolyn]

I am very happy to hear from you, Bridget! It sounds like things are calming down and you''ve got some breathing room to think about things other than your relationship, which is always good for getting your perspective back (as is talking to good friends!).

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m glad we heard from you sandia! Keep us updated on everything...

 

[surfgirl]

I think you''ve gotten some very sage advice from your friends...Can I borrow them some time?!? Seriously, enjoy NOLA, it IS a wonderful city..and very much in need of your tourist dollars! So go and enjoy and see how it feels...I''m glad you''re going to see a counselor, excellent move!

 

[Codependent Gal]

Honestly, I think that you need to not see him or talk to him for at least two weeks. I know that it is hard, especially when he keeps calling you and asking you to eat dinner with him, but it just seems like the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is especially true for men.

I think that it can really help a man realize how much he misses his girlfriend when the dishes start to pile up in the sink, and he is eating fast food every night. Not that it is a woman''s job to cook and clean for man, but it seems that a lot of men, when on their own, don''t keep things as clean as they do when there is a woman around. And, most people don''t go to sit-down restaurants alone, and it usually isn''t worth it to cook a meal when only one person is going to eat it.

Let him play with his band without you being there to watch him. Let him realize how much he likes looking in the audience and seeing you. He probably doesn''t even know how much he likes it, and he won''t unless you aren''t there. Let him realize how much he likes talking to you right before he goes to bed. Let him realize how much he likes having a person in his life who he can talk to off and on throughout the day. Let him realize how important it is to have a person in his life who he can talk to about what he did during the day.

It''s the little things like that that make people want to be in a relationship, but those little things are also too often taken for granted.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 2/19/2008 2:59:04 PM
Author: Codependent Gal

Honestly, I think that you need to not see him or talk to him for at least two weeks. I know that it is hard, especially when he keeps calling you and asking you to eat dinner with him, but it just seems like the phrase 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' is especially true for men.

I'm kind of torn here. If I was going to completely avoid him, I probably should have just started doing that when we had the blow-up. But, we're supposed to leave for vacation next Thursday morning (8 days from now). So if I abruptly pull away now -- that's going to raise more suspician / deepen the hole. I am trying to smooth the water, so to speak...not sure if that makes any sense or not. I am feeling stupid over even opening my damned mouth and discussing anything with him. Maybe my best friend is right -- a year and a half / two years is really not all that long of a time, and I'm thinking I created this whole dramafest with my selfish need for a timeline and confirmation of where the relationship is going.

I had a semi-demoralizing moment around lunchtime. I feel like I'm freaking 14 with this whole deal. My boss asked me to listen to a conference call / call-in meeting that he didn't have time to listen to himself...make sure he didn't miss anything critical. I didn't care - I do this all the time. But the phones at my job are funky - if I have a call on one line, I can't pick up a second ringing line without dropping the first call. A call came in, and I had no choice but to let it go to voicemail. Finished the call and picked up voicemail. He was leaving a message for me. Just calling like he always does at lunch. I debated whether or not to call him back. I didn't talk with him last night after I left his house (because I was talking to my girlfriend until latelatelate), and he sounded reasonably chipper. So I called him back -- he was also at work and now on another call with a vendor. I just told him, "Oh, OK. I will let you go." He called me back maybe 20 minutes later and we talked a little about work and also about my friend's brother (who is a good friend of his - I actually met this girlfriend through my BF) who is in the hospital. Then he said to me, "You coming over after work?" And sorry for being spineless...not thinking....I said, "Yeah. I just have an appointment after work." So he said, "You coming over after your appointment or before?" I'm getting out of here (work) in a couple of minutes and my appointment isn't until 7:15...so it's either go over his house, eat, BS....or sit here and twiddle my thumbs until my appointment. I live too far from here to drive home to wait....and I am feeling like I want to go to the bar on the corner and knock back a couple (not like I will). Now, if I said, "No, I am not coming over," then that would have opened the door for more tension.....almost sounding like I was holding a grudge and not letting this go. Over the weekend, we agreed to "let this go and move forward." OK...so why do I feel like the shoe hasn't completely dropped yet? Or am I just projecting / looking for things because of everything that's gone on so far?

So I have sat here all day, feeling uncomfortable and somewhat like an @ss. I don't know what to think / feel right now and am just taking it minute by minute. I just wish that things between us could go back to where they were before I brought on this weird tension, insecurity, etc. Yes, before *I* brought all this on.

We'll see what happens. On a lighter note, my boss just left. Before he walked out, he was complaining that he couldn't concentrate all day. So I pointed out the big picture window in front of my desk and said, "Blame that." He has complained that he can't sleep during a full moon -- and we are supposed to have a full moon eclipse tomorrow. So he looked and said, "Oh, beautiful!" I said, "Seems like everyone is having a crappy day today....."

Just not liking this feeling (feeling spineless and stupid). Maybe my counselor can shed some light on this. I highly recommend counseling, by the way. I started going when I got divorced and never stopped going.

If the guy needs to "miss" me....then why does he keep calling? I mean, what does he want? It's kind of like, "Come here....go away."

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Codependent Gal]

Date: 2/19/2008 5:43:18 PM
Author: sandia_rose

I''m kind of torn here. If I was going to completely avoid him, I probably should have just started doing that when we had the blow-up. But, we''re supposed to leave for vacation next Thursday morning (8 days from now). So if I abruptly pull away now -- that''s going to raise more suspician / deepen the hole. I am trying to smooth the water, so to speak...not sure if that makes any sense or not. I am feeling stupid over even opening my damned mouth and discussing anything with him. Maybe my best friend is right -- a year and a half / two years is really not all that long of a time, and I''m thinking I created this whole dramafest with my selfish need for a timeline and confirmation of where the relationship is going.

I had a semi-demoralizing moment around lunchtime. I feel like I''m freaking 14 with this whole deal. My boss asked me to listen to a conference call / call-in meeting that he didn''t have time to listen to himself...make sure he didn''t miss anything critical. I didn''t care - I do this all the time. But the phones at my job are funky - if I have a call on one line, I can''t pick up a second ringing line without dropping the first call. A call came in, and I had no choice but to let it go to voicemail. Finished the call and picked up voicemail. He was leaving a message for me. Just calling like he always does at lunch. I debated whether or not to call him back. I didn''t talk with him last night after I left his house (because I was talking to my girlfriend until latelatelate), and he sounded reasonably chipper. So I called him back -- he was also at work and now on another call with a vendor. I just told him, ''Oh, OK. I will let you go.'' He called me back maybe 20 minutes later and we talked a little about work and also about my friend''s brother (who is a good friend of his - I actually met this girlfriend through my BF) who is in the hospital. Then he said to me, ''You coming over after work?'' And sorry for being spineless...not thinking....I said, ''Yeah. I just have an appointment after work.'' So he said, ''You coming over after your appointment or before?'' I''m getting out of here (work) in a couple of minutes and my appointment isn''t until 7:15...so it''s either go over his house, eat, BS....or sit here and twiddle my thumbs until my appointment. I live too far from here to drive home to wait....and I am feeling like I want to go to the bar on the corner and knock back a couple (not like I will). Now, if I said, ''No, I am not coming over,'' then that would have opened the door for more tension.....almost sounding like I was holding a grudge and not letting this go. Over the weekend, we agreed to ''let this go and move forward.'' OK...so why do I feel like the shoe hasn''t completely dropped yet? Or am I just projecting / looking for things because of everything that''s gone on so far?

So I have sat here all day, feeling uncomfortable and somewhat like an @ss. I don''t know what to think / feel right now and am just taking it minute by minute. I just wish that things between us could go back to where they were before I brought on this weird tension, insecurity, etc. Yes, before *I* brought all this on.

We''ll see what happens. On a lighter note, my boss just left. Before he walked out, he was complaining that he couldn''t concentrate all day. So I pointed out the big picture window in front of my desk and said, ''Blame that.'' He has complained that he can''t sleep during a full moon -- and we are supposed to have a full moon eclipse tomorrow. So he looked and said, ''Oh, beautiful!'' I said, ''Seems like everyone is having a crappy day today.....''

Just not liking this feeling (feeling spineless and stupid). Maybe my counselor can shed some light on this. I highly recommend counseling, by the way. I started going when I got divorced and never stopped going.

If the guy needs to ''miss'' me....then why does he keep calling? I mean, what does he want? It''s kind of like, ''Come here....go away.''

Bridget in Connecticut.

I don''t know why he keeps calling you. Guys are weird. Once the subject of marriage has been brought up and after a fight happens about it, it is really hard to pretend like it never happened. I started bringing up the fact that I thought that my boyfriend and I should be engaged about six months ago, and about once a month since then we will get into a fight about it. Usually we have been drinking, and it typically ends with both of us crying.

There has been resentment towards him growing inside of me ever since we started talking about getting engaged. I made it clear that I wanted to be engaged, and the fact that he still hasn''t done it yet is incredibly frustrating. Valentine''s Day has passed which means it is another ten months before there are any holidays when he might propose (my birthday is right before Christmas). He says that he can''t do it if I keep pressuring him, but I didn''t bring it up for two months before Christmas and he didn''t do it then. If I stop talking about it with him, I am afraid that he won''t ever do it. I have emailed pictures of rings, but I honestly do not believe that he has ever even looked.

I always ask him to tell me if it is never going to happen. He always says that he just isn''t ready YET. If he is never going to do it, I just wish that he would tell me so I can move on with my life.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 2/19/2008 5:43:18 PM
Author: sandia_rose

Date: 2/19/2008 2:59:04 PM
Author: Codependent Gal

Honestly, I think that you need to not see him or talk to him for at least two weeks. I know that it is hard, especially when he keeps calling you and asking you to eat dinner with him, but it just seems like the phrase ''absence makes the heart grow fonder'' is especially true for men.

I''m kind of torn here. If I was going to completely avoid him, I probably should have just started doing that when we had the blow-up. But, we''re supposed to leave for vacation next Thursday morning (8 days from now). So if I abruptly pull away now -- that''s going to raise more suspician / deepen the hole. I am trying to smooth the water, so to speak...not sure if that makes any sense or not. I am feeling stupid over even opening my damned mouth and discussing anything with him. Maybe my best friend is right -- a year and a half / two years is really not all that long of a time, and I''m thinking I created this whole dramafest with my selfish need for a timeline and confirmation of where the relationship is going.

I had a semi-demoralizing moment around lunchtime. I feel like I''m freaking 14 with this whole deal. My boss asked me to listen to a conference call / call-in meeting that he didn''t have time to listen to himself...make sure he didn''t miss anything critical. I didn''t care - I do this all the time. But the phones at my job are funky - if I have a call on one line, I can''t pick up a second ringing line without dropping the first call. A call came in, and I had no choice but to let it go to voicemail. Finished the call and picked up voicemail. He was leaving a message for me. Just calling like he always does at lunch. I debated whether or not to call him back. I didn''t talk with him last night after I left his house (because I was talking to my girlfriend until latelatelate), and he sounded reasonably chipper. So I called him back -- he was also at work and now on another call with a vendor. I just told him, ''Oh, OK. I will let you go.'' He called me back maybe 20 minutes later and we talked a little about work and also about my friend''s brother (who is a good friend of his - I actually met this girlfriend through my BF) who is in the hospital. Then he said to me, ''You coming over after work?'' And sorry for being spineless...not thinking....I said, ''Yeah. I just have an appointment after work.'' So he said, ''You coming over after your appointment or before?'' I''m getting out of here (work) in a couple of minutes and my appointment isn''t until 7:15...so it''s either go over his house, eat, BS....or sit here and twiddle my thumbs until my appointment. I live too far from here to drive home to wait....and I am feeling like I want to go to the bar on the corner and knock back a couple (not like I will). Now, if I said, ''No, I am not coming over,'' then that would have opened the door for more tension.....almost sounding like I was holding a grudge and not letting this go. Over the weekend, we agreed to ''let this go and move forward.'' OK...so why do I feel like the shoe hasn''t completely dropped yet? Or am I just projecting / looking for things because of everything that''s gone on so far?

So I have sat here all day, feeling uncomfortable and somewhat like an @ss. I don''t know what to think / feel right now and am just taking it minute by minute. I just wish that things between us could go back to where they were before I brought on this weird tension, insecurity, etc. Yes, before *I* brought all this on.

We''ll see what happens. On a lighter note, my boss just left. Before he walked out, he was complaining that he couldn''t concentrate all day. So I pointed out the big picture window in front of my desk and said, ''Blame that.'' He has complained that he can''t sleep during a full moon -- and we are supposed to have a full moon eclipse tomorrow. So he looked and said, ''Oh, beautiful!'' I said, ''Seems like everyone is having a crappy day today.....''

Just not liking this feeling (feeling spineless and stupid). Maybe my counselor can shed some light on this. I highly recommend counseling, by the way. I started going when I got divorced and never stopped going.

If the guy needs to ''miss'' me....then why does he keep calling? I mean, what does he want? It''s kind of like, ''Come here....go away.''

Bridget in Connecticut.

Bridget,

Did it occur to you that he is trying to move you both back to a ''comfort zone''? He''s trying to act ''normal'' and you feel like an ass because you think maybe you''re just being disagreeable? Or maybe you just blew things out of proportion? Uh, no. You aren''t an ass, and you''re not psycho chick either.

The truth is, nothing''s the way it was. You can''t recapture the way it was. You can''t go back. You can only move forward. If you choose to move forward with him, do it on your own terms. And, truly move forward. Don''t make it a lateral move. This whole snafu happened because you felt it was time to move forward, and his response was an attempt to squirm out of a commitment to you. "I''m just not feeling it." Then he lobbed the ball back into your court for you to decide, giving him an out if you blew him off. But you didn''t blow him off. Now he''s trying to restore the relationship to its prior status quo . . . ''cause he kinda knows his role there and it would be less confusing than the tightrope you guys are navigating now.

I know what I''d do. And, I''d have either given him the tickets to NO to use (it was your gift to him), or gone myself with a friend. But I would not go with him.

 

[Mediterranean]

Just from what I''m reading here in your last post, (about the "torn" feeling, and the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling) I though of a really, really good book I once read that might help to make heads or tails of all this stuff for you.

It''s by Mira Kischenbaum and it''s called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or get Out of your Relationship"


And I know that the title may make the book look like it discusses things in a pretty black-and-white fashion, but it really doesn''t!!!!! It offers some pretty remarkable insight about situations like this one you''re in, and it also helps repair the damage to your self-esteem that comes with all this back-and-forth stuff. It also discusses the mental and emotional health benefits of CS (controlled separation). It shows why even married folks should practice CS to keep their perspective on their relationships focused and healthy (thus halping to avoid "forest for the trees" kind of issues)


Anyway, it''s like, only $10 at Amazon and it''s not a fat book, nor is it full of psychobabble and medical jargon, so it''s a pretty easy read. And it''s helpful. I hope you snag a copy, I have a feeling it might be a useful guide for you, since you''re pretty insightful already. A lot of the ideas may resonate with you. Just a thought. My only other advice would be to not read it on the plane to NOLA

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

I sort of agree with HollyS here, it''s an attempt to just go back to the way things were and essentially, it''s impossible.

One thing that really stands out to me, is you keep blaming yourself in your post and quite frankly, I don''t see it as just being your fault. I understand that maybe if you hadn''t asked him where things were going, you two wouldn''t be here right NOW, but you could just be here a year from now in the same spot. You asked because you needed to know, and you shouldn''t deny yourself what you need to be happy in a relationship. not to mention, his conduct (even though under the stress of making you unhappy by saying he wasn''t seeing sparks) was just insensitive! Even if you had never asked him how your relationship is going, if he called you to tell you that while you were at work... I think it''s just cause to be very angry.

I think one of the biggest problems I feel you are facing is this: he''s a great guy in the here and now. But if he can never get his act together and provide you with the life you want, then in the long run/over a lifetime, he isn''t good enough for you. And it is really hard to find that balance between enjoying life now and working on your life goals.

and I don''t know the situation entirely, but have you ever thought about the odd power play that may occur just because you always go to his place? I think he doesn''t recognize the need to chase you, you''re in his home. He''s always got home advantage, make him come to you now if he really did pull his head out of his @ss.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble response, I hope you''re doing well.

 

[decodelighted]

Glad you checked in ... & that you have an outlet to talk tonight!

My first thought is that your friend is too close to the situation HERSELF to be an objective judge. She is a LIW *also*. Kinda. Maybe. And for YOU to decide it''s not right for you might feel like its not right for HER to be doing what she is. She has something at stake (consciously or unconsciously) to keep you in the STATUS QUO.

I''ve done the vacation after an almost break up thing. It was a fun vacation. It didn''t keep us together though. If anything it illuminated even more reasons we weren''t right for each other long term. So keep your expectations realistic about NOLA even if you choose to go.

Right now you''re blaming yourself -- you''re "selfish", if you''d only kept your big mouth shut things would be "normal" etc etc. Well - that''s magical thinking. You weren''t happy. You said as much OFTEN. You wanted to know where you stood SO TERRIBLY BADLY because you (IMO) secretly suspected he was taking you for granted & not serious about or motivated toward moving forward. You''d been giving too much for too long & not getting enough back. Those were YOUR HONEST FEELINGS. Not good, bad, indifferent. It''s what you felt. Your friend can''t tell you the "right" way to feel ... And two years is a long time AT FORTY (+ for him).

Its one thing if you decide you want to DATE HIM more than you want to live with and/or be married to anyone else. But be honest with yourself that that''s what you''re choosing.

 

[Pandora II]

I think you need to be really honest with yourself about what YOU need and want.

Two years at our age isn''t a ''short'' amount of time to spend with someone.

I think you know within 6 months if it could move to the ''permanent'' stage or not.

It''s a real shame you''ve got this holiday coming up right now, as it makes what you are or aren''t doing more difficult.

I think you are really handling things in a good way for yourself.

I''m pissed at your SO though. I think he''s trying to manipulate you back into a comfortable status quo. With the messages that you are sending out, I would expect him to be standing outside your office every night with a big bunch of roses begging you to come back.

He is being way too laid-back about it all for my liking - which is why I think he just wants to turn the clock back and carry on as usual.

As to your friend saying why can''t you just be happy as is...

Well, sometimes that isn''t enough. I told FI very firmly that marriage was non-negotiable. It would have killed me to walk away, but if he hadn''t come through I would have seen him as someone who wasn''t prepared to face his own fears in order to make my happiness a priority.

In a way, I knew I''d never need to walk away, but he''d have drifted on hiding behind his fears and thinking I was cool with just ''living together'' for years if I hadn''t put the boot in.

 

[choro72]

I think he is trying to tell that he really likes you, and would like to keep the relationship going, but he is not ready to make a life long commitment yet. Trouble is, you are ready, and it always sucks to be the one that is more ready.

Remember that you are NOT selfish, and this is not your fault. You feel a certain way, and he should be able to deal with it. Sure, 1.5 years is not that long. But if he really cares about you then he should be able to respect what you want out of this relationship, and he should be able to communicate to you what he wants.
I think you are at least entitled to a clear "I''m not ready yet. Please let me think about it" answer. I think it''s also fair for you to decide at what point you are going to feel as if this relationship is going no where.
Him acting as if nothing happened is a cop-out, and it''s utterly unfair to you, especially given how he broke it out to you. You are not demanding too much, and he should know how lucky he is.

 

[kelpie]

I think Pandora makes a good point. Even though 1.5 years seems rushed to demand a countdown to engagement, I think everyone has a sense of if someone''s "the one" or not in under six months (or at least if the relationship has a future). It''s just that no reservations kind of love, and you deserve to know if he has that for you whether engagement is near or not. Even though I am certainly anxious wishing my BF would hurry up and marry me already, I take enormous comfort in knowing he thinks I''m "the one". I think that''s why your BFF is content in her relationship. You''ve received thoughtful advice on all sides of the spectrum. Enjoy your trip

 

[Mara]

I don''t agree with your friend at all. So for HER ... it''s okay to stop at 1.5 -2 years and think...okay I''m ready but he''s not. No biggie. I don''t want to cause any drama. I don''t want to rock the boat. Obviously it''s okay for her...she''s still there long after that 2 year mark. Not making demands. Not getting anywhere.

Consider the source. Sorry but that''s how I see it. Don''t RUSH things. Please. Two years is not rushing it.

Then again...I spent 3 years previously in a relationship ''hoping'' that one day I''d feel like he was the one. Never did, always knew that would not be the case. I was just hoping...because he was a wonderful guy who loved me and I knew he''d bend over backwards to make me happy. Didn''t matter. I didn''t LOVE him. I didn''t ''waste'' the time because I found my husband after this relationship...but I should have known better.

FF to my now husband. I knew after the first year that I wanted to be with him forever. For us both, we''d both had those previous relationships where we were ''hoping'' one day they''d be the one. For us, we were the one for each other...and we knew that within 2 years. I felt like that was more than enough time to know someone enough to know if you wanted to be with them long-term. What does another year do? Do you grow something in year three you didn''t have in year two? I hate that whole thing ... I agree with don''t rush it, but to me that''s don''t rush it after 6 months....not 2 or 3 or 5 years!!

I feel like you WANT to pull back and get your head together but he''s pushing at you...because maybe he''s worried you''re upset or you feel like he doesn''t care. You two seriously need to stop and think about things. I would be frank with him and say LOOK...I rethought the month of trying to live together and I feel like it''s a mistake. I already know what I want. You seem confused. Why don''t we take some time and figure things out separately....and really figure out what it is we want from this relationship and each other.

I can''t help but come back to his whole ''I''m just not feeling it''. How much more CLEAR does that get really?

The other thing I wanted to say is ... don''t be TOO susceptible to advice. Your friends or ours here on the forum. You need to dig deep and figure out what YOU want to do. Think about you...think about your son. And remember, you deserve what you are asking for...you are worth it. Good luck!

 

[FrekeChild]

Three things:

1. I really think that most couples know if their future is permanent within 6-12 months. I think that if one of the people don''t know if they want to make it permanent after almost 2 years, then they don''t want to make it permanent at all. That''s just how I see it.

2. You really have to consider the source (Mara''s words I think?) when it comes to your friend. If you were to pull out at around year two because you''re not getting what you want out of the relationship-how does that make her look? How does that make her feel? She wants you to stay in your relationship so she doesn''t a) look like a fool and b) feel like a fool. I think that if you were to pull out of it, I think she''d seriously have to reevaluate her own relationship, and she sees that and doesn''t want to do it. Its the, "If she''s doing it already, then why am I just sitting here on my laurels?" I feel sorry for her.

3. I think he''s placating you at this point. Giving you just enough to keep you hanging on, while truly reconsidering your relationship. As Mara said: "I can''t help but come back to his whole ''I''m just not feeling it''. How much more CLEAR does that get really?"

I wish that you''d take a break from this relationship and see how it is after you separate from each other. I wish that you guys could work it out afterwards, but from everything you''ve said, I''m not sure that can happen anymore.

Honestly, at this point, I think that you''re an incredibly strong woman, but that you''re also not getting something you need, and you haven''t been for some time.

Perhaps now is the time to truly think about that. And everything else.

 

[beebrisk]

"I''m just not feeling it". Those are some harsh words...Especially on Valentine''s Day.

Here it is, just about a week later and you are planning to leave for what should be a romantic vacation together.

If I was in your position, I think I''d have to forfeit those plane tickets and cut my loses right now.

You say you don''t want to go and I would trust your feelings on that one. Do you really not want to go, or are you hoping that a few fun days alone will change his heart and mind? If so, I think you are probably setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Now is the time to keep your distance...physically and more importantly, emotionally.

I''d wake up every morning during that trip, look over at him, and those words would just ring over and over in my head. It just seems self-destructive to me. Why do you want to put yourself thru that?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 2/20/2008 1:20:02 AM
Author: Mara
I don''t agree with your friend at all. So for HER ... it''s okay to stop at 1.5 -2 years and think...okay I''m ready but he''s not. No biggie. I don''t want to cause any drama. I don''t want to rock the boat. Obviously it''s okay for her...she''s still there long after that 2 year mark. Not making demands. Not getting anywhere.

Consider the source. Sorry but that''s how I see it. Don''t RUSH things. Please. Two years is not rushing it.

Then again...I spent 3 years previously in a relationship ''hoping'' that one day I''d feel like he was the one. Never did, always knew that would not be the case. I was just hoping...because he was a wonderful guy who loved me and I knew he''d bend over backwards to make me happy. Didn''t matter. I didn''t LOVE him. I didn''t ''waste'' the time because I found my husband after this relationship...but I should have known better.

FF to my now husband. I knew after the first year that I wanted to be with him forever. For us both, we''d both had those previous relationships where we were ''hoping'' one day they''d be the one. For us, we were the one for each other...and we knew that within 2 years. I felt like that was more than enough time to know someone enough to know if you wanted to be with them long-term. What does another year do? Do you grow something in year three you didn''t have in year two? I hate that whole thing ... I agree with don''t rush it, but to me that''s don''t rush it after 6 months....not 2 or 3 or 5 years!!

I feel like you WANT to pull back and get your head together but he''s pushing at you...because maybe he''s worried you''re upset or you feel like he doesn''t care. You two seriously need to stop and think about things. I would be frank with him and say LOOK...I rethought the month of trying to live together and I feel like it''s a mistake. I already know what I want. You seem confused. Why don''t we take some time and figure things out separately....and really figure out what it is we want from this relationship and each other.

I can''t help but come back to his whole ''I''m just not feeling it''. How much more CLEAR does that get really?

The other thing I wanted to say is ... don''t be TOO susceptible to advice. Your friends or ours here on the forum. You need to dig deep and figure out what YOU want to do. Think about you...think about your son. And remember, you deserve what you are asking for...you are worth it. Good luck!

Ditto, ditto and ditto. Your friends slippery slope sorta logic could lead to, say, "I''m ready to have a baby, so you should be too!" sorta thinking. Where the two of you are in your lives and heads is totally different and not a valid reason to stay with someone, or leave. It has to be what you both want, as individuals and a couple.

Re: airline tickets being nonrefundable you should really check into the airline''s policy if you''re not up for the trip. Some will charge a fee to cancel, some will allow you to exchange tickets, etc.