Sandia-Rose

[NewEnglandLady]

It''s easy for all of us to say what we would do. Especially those of us who have been where you are--I remember feeling exactly how you feel now. I would feel guilty after bringing up marriage because I thought I was being bossy, I thought I was pushing it too much. Eventually the resentment grew, I became overcooked in the relationship and I left. Not easy, but very necessary. After I left I thought "Lordy, what took me so long?!"

The bottom line is that if you''re not ready to leave, you''re not ready to leave. I think women who leave relationships too early--especially when THEY are the ones who want marriage--inevitably fall back into the relationship with no change at all. I do believe that he is doing the bare minimum to keep you, but I don''t think you''re ready to walk away...yet. You''ve already resolved that you''re going to go on the trip with him, so you may as well try to enjoy your time up until then. When you get really fed up (and angry) about him not stepping up, THEN you will be ready to go.

 

[krispi]

Date: 2/20/2008 8:58:55 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
It''s easy for all of us to say what we would do. Especially those of us who have been where you are--I remember feeling exactly how you feel now. I would feel guilty after bringing up marriage because I thought I was being bossy, I thought I was pushing it too much. Eventually the resentment grew, I became overcooked in the relationship and I left. Not easy, but very necessary. After I left I thought ''Lordy, what took me so long?!''

The bottom line is that if you''re not ready to leave, you''re not ready to leave. I think women who leave relationships too early--especially when THEY are the ones who want marriage--inevitably fall back into the relationship with no change at all. I do believe that he is doing the bare minimum to keep you, but I don''t think you''re ready to walk away...yet. You''ve already resolved that you''re going to go on the trip with him, so you may as well try to enjoy your time up until then. When you get really fed up (and angry) about him not stepping up, THEN you will be ready to go.

I agree with NEL 100%. You are the one who has to feel comfortable with whatever decision you make. If you aren''t ready to leave yet and want to work on things a little more that''s okay. On the other hand, if you''ve tried everything you want to try and you''re ready to get out that''s okay too. Someone else mentioned not taking other people''s advice too seriously and listening to your own instincts. I think that''s a good motto. When your instincts are telling you it''s time to leave, you''ll feel more comfortable with the decision.

 

[Miscka]

Date: 2/20/2008 9:31:33 AM
Author: krispi

Date: 2/20/2008 8:58:55 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
It''s easy for all of us to say what we would do. Especially those of us who have been where you are--I remember feeling exactly how you feel now. I would feel guilty after bringing up marriage because I thought I was being bossy, I thought I was pushing it too much. Eventually the resentment grew, I became overcooked in the relationship and I left. Not easy, but very necessary. After I left I thought ''Lordy, what took me so long?!''

The bottom line is that if you''re not ready to leave, you''re not ready to leave. I think women who leave relationships too early--especially when THEY are the ones who want marriage--inevitably fall back into the relationship with no change at all. I do believe that he is doing the bare minimum to keep you, but I don''t think you''re ready to walk away...yet. You''ve already resolved that you''re going to go on the trip with him, so you may as well try to enjoy your time up until then. When you get really fed up (and angry) about him not stepping up, THEN you will be ready to go.

I agree with NEL 100%. You are the one who has to feel comfortable with whatever decision you make. If you aren''t ready to leave yet and want to work on things a little more that''s okay. On the other hand, if you''ve tried everything you want to try and you''re ready to get out that''s okay too. Someone else mentioned not taking other people''s advice too seriously and listening to your own instincts. I think that''s a good motto. When your instincts are telling you it''s time to leave, you''ll feel more comfortable with the decision.

I thritto NEL. She gives great advice. This is about you and how you feel about the situation. I really hope that you can find peace with whatever you decide to do. Please keep us posted.

 

[Erin]

I wanted to put a bug in your brain.
Not only should you be thinking about what you want out of this relationship, what you need from him, what the timeline should be...
You should be really thinking about you and your child. Forget him for a second. And think about what you want out of a husband, a father, a best friend, a lifetime companion. What are the basic necessities and non-negotiables you need from this man in your life?

Now add him back into the equation. Does he fit your wants and needs? Your non-negotiables?
Does he treat you the way you treat him? Do you treat him the way he treats you?

This is the forest from the trees I see. After breaking up with my ex my over and over mantra, my validation for knowing I made the right desicion was
I would have never treated him the way he treated me. I loved him to much to act the way he did. I deserve MORE!

This is about you and what you want and need. Don''t settle for close enough or out of fear you have to start over. Make sure that he''s the person that not only fits what you want in a partner but IS the person you need in a partner.

Oh and by the way, I book travel for people in my office ALL THE TIME. Yes, they say the tickets are non-refundable but if you cancel the trip they airline will charge you $100 to use them in the future. Unfortunately, the ticket credit is only available to the ticket holder. No name changes.

 

[jng2b]

Honey, he told you that he didn''t think that you were the one. If my FI had said that to me, I''d be heartbroken. That isn''t something that I would have been able to recover from. I think your friend was just telling you what you wanted to hear, and like the previous posters said, what she wanted to hear herself (about her own relationship). For example, I try to give my sister honest advice about her doomed relationships, and she doesn''t accept it and doesn''t listen to me. Sometimes close friends aren''t the best ones to give advice. And the whole bit about, "if you were going to break up, you would have done it last week." This is BS! It is hard to break up with someone, especially when you are the one doing the breaking up. It took me over a month to break up with my ex-FI. I''d tell him that I wanted to break up, and he''d give a little, but not accept the breaking up part, and we''d stay together. Even after I said, "I want to break up." He guilted me into staying. And I really think that is what is happening here. I can''t get over the fact that he said that you weren''t the one - that would be enough for me to leave right there. He should definitely be ready to settle down NOW, and since he hasn''t, I really don''t think he''s going to settle down any time soon. Just because he has issues with his past, doesn''t mean that you need to walk on eggshells and wait for him for the rest of your life. If he can''t deal with those issues, then he isn''t ready to be with you. And you deserve someone that is willing to be with you.