Saying No to Your Sister-in-law

[Kestha07]

I recently got married to a wonderful man who has two younger brothers. The middle brother is married, and the youngest will be getting engaged shortly. When I was choosing my bridesmaids, I invited both brothers significant others to be in my bridal party, mostly out of politeness because I was not really close with either of them at all. One declined because she was going to be pregnant and didnt want to go through the hassle of a wedding and a pregnancy, which I completely understood. The other girl, the girlfriend of the youngest brother... said yes.

Needless to say, throughout my entire wedding process she was nasty, never helpful, and totally cheap. She complained about everything, did not come to the bachelorette party, nor even chip in a dime to help my maid of honor pay for the shower. In short, I regretted asking her at all, but knew that my mother-in-law would have been very upset with me if I hadn''t asked her.

Now, it''s her turn to get married. I know that out of politeness she will most likely be asking me to be in her bridal party (although I keep hoping she won''t). I have no desire to do it whatsoever. I know that I want to politely decline, but I don''t know what to say. Money won''t be an issue, it''s just a matter of not really being close to her at all, and the fact that she was a horrible bridesmaid to me. It would be very hard for me to be a good bridesmaid to her without being bitter/resentful the whole time.

What should I say? What should I do? Should I just suck it up and be her bridemsaid for my husbands sake so his family doesnt get upset about my declining?

 

[diamondfan]

You can say yes, and do it nicely, which is more than she did for you. Or you can be honest and just say no thanks. You do not really need to give a huge explanation, and I am sure she would get why you are declining. But if it will cause a huge issue, just do it, and be nice, but do the minimum. (meaning, do not go overboard but do not speak in a nasty way or complain blatantly). This way, you are doing the right thing without it looking like you are trying to be vindictive. Tough call, since the obvious thing is to just say no since she was not nice, but honestly, it might not be worth the repercussions. Overall, learning to say no is not easy, but is an important thing to master.

 

[mimzy]

if you really, really don't think that you can accept and fulfill your role as a bridesmaid without making your bitterness known, then i would politely decline. and i wouldn't endorse lying, but see if you can cite something other than her behavior as the reason why. If she was oblivious to how inappropriate she was, then she would probably be very very confused as to why you would decline....and that might cause more drama than it is worth.

BUT if you can, then try to accept. you could always accept with the disclaimer that you it will be a very busy time for you (or something) and that you would be happy to do as much as you can, but you might be be able to fully participate - that way if you feel your bitterness getting the best of you, or if she turns into a bridezilla, then you always have the option of opting out and doing the bare minimum. saying that up front would also give you the opportunity to let her know that you are touched that she is asking you, but would understand if she would rather reserve the spot for someone else. that might even be a relief for her too.

now if you don't feel comfortable giving them a reason why you wouldn't be able to fully participate, then i would suggest sucking it up. be the bigger person and do what you can for her - you guys are going to be in the same family for a very very long time and there's no reason to cause a bigger rift than is already there. i know a lot of other people will probably advise you to decline, but if you don't have a good reason (that you can voice) than the consequent drama might be more trouble than just being a bridesmaid. and you never know, it might give you the opportunity to get to know her better. either way, she will probably have other BM friends that are going to help her the most, so it's only four or five days (showers, bach.party, rehearsal, wedding day) out of your life.

 

[Sabine]

I agree with what has already been said, but I was also wondering, how does your husband feel about this? Would he want you to just say yes to avoid drama, or would it really mean something to him for you to be a part of her wedding?

 

[Pandora II]

Could you develop a bad back or something which would mean you couldn''t stand for long periods or something?

I really don''t get why people get so upset if you don''t ask all your siblings/sibling''s SOs to be involved in weddings.

FI and I are both one of 4 and none of our siblings or their SO''s are in our wedding at all - and they''re all very glad that they''re not!

Neither my mother or FMIL are remotely bothered. Wedding parties are for your really close friends - if your siblings are your really close friends, great. If not you shouldn''t be obligated. It would seem a bit false to me to have people who aren''t truly happy and engaged in the situation taking part...

I hope I take away some of the things I have learnt though reading about other people''s difficulties and remember them when my future children get married!

 

[Kestha07]

Well, my husband doesn''t really know what to think about it either. He knows it would probably be less drama for everyone ELSE involved if I just said yes and sucked it up... however, he also saw how rediculous she was to me, so he completely understands why I would want to say yes. I feel like out of his entire family he is the only one who really saw the way she acted and behaved, as well as the things she said to me. So, I think he would understand if I opted out, however, he would also like to avoid having to explain to his mom why I said no.

 

[KimberlyH]

I''d suck it up and participate just to save myself and my husband from what could turn into family turmoil for a long time coming. But I tend to be someone who likes to keep the peace, unless I am going to be hurt by a situation, and I''m also someone who believes that my spouses'' family and friends (which includes a friend who hurts my feelings fairly regularly but I tolerate it because their 13+ years of friendship have made her more like a sister than and friend, and he sticks up for me when necessary) are as important as mine, even if I don''t feel the same way about them as he does, because I didn''t just marry him, I married all of the people who come along with him.