RaiKai
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2010
- Messages
- 1,255
Before I was ready to be married, and before my DH came into my life I had a lot of reasons NOT to get married. I never grew up with the idea that marriage was some sort of salvation. I lived in an non-traditional household, with my mother and stepfather (my parents divorced) living together but never marrying (until this past February, after 24 years together). I lived common-law myself at one time for a few years without any real desire for marriage. Let us just say, I was never a Lady in Waiting - before or after meeting DH.
Marriage, as others have said, is what you and your partner want and make it to be. No more and no less than that. There is no reason to have to conform to some sort of expected societal role. DH and I certainly do not have traditional roles. When we first met on e-harmony, one of the questions he actually asked me in our communication was what I thought about traditional roles. My response was along the lines that I reject the idea of living "roles" and believe couples should live and relate in relationship in a way that works for them and they create together. Apparently my very honest response about that, and a couple other questions, had him extremely interested in continuing our communication and we have similar views in this way.
Both DH and I can honestly say one of the reasons we wanted to marry one another is because we truly feel *freedom* being together. Indeed we each said so in the vows we surprised each other with. We feel accepted, loved, supported and encouraged to be the individuals we each are and to continue to grow as individuals. We have such an open, vulnerable and honest relationship...we are completely our true selves with one another. Now that is freedom! It was an EASY choice for us both to make TOGETHER (hence never feeling like a Lady in Waiting). Not a blind choice by any means, but not one that felt anything less than comfortable.
We do make decisions in our lives as a team. We are committed to our lives as such. Partners in crime, as Haven aptly put it. I would not move across country without him, to be honest, or he without me, for example, but we have moved across country together before we ever even talked about marriage as that sense of being a team was already there. I enjoy being a team! I am still an individual even though we are a team.
I even look forward to children eventually, something that used to terrify me with the responsibility, as I know we will be a team and be there with each other to share the responsibility, the tears, the joy. And DH will be the one staying at home, so that eases my own stress a bit, ha. Still, that is a way off (if it happens) and right now we are just enjoying it being the two of us.
And no we do not live like 20-somethings. We do not want to! We live like *RaiKai and B*! Whatever that is. We are in our 30s but hardly old, if you ask us! Just comfortable in our own skin and having even more fun than we did years ago as a result. I think the younger couples we meet at times think we are a bit odd at times, ha! For the record, we do rent. We both used to own homes with previous partners, but now we enjoy renting. And while we get pressure at times to buy, we don't really care much about that. We do not want to buy right now, and the next home we do buy will be our dream home we build. We have the starter home bug out of us from previous experience. We do what is right for us and what works for us. Just to say, you do not have to have a mortgage, etc, just as you get married, ya know!?
We feel blessed to be together. I would not want to be with anyone else, real or fantasy! We are best friends, confidantes, lovers, supporters, witnesses, discoverers and so on. But we also met when we were both ready as individuals to be together and the road was not a straight path to that place. We both had a lot of life, personal and relationship experiences and growth before getting to where we are. We are both self-aware and continue striving to be and neither would have married someone who wasn't also. There was no fear of "losing ourselves" as we know ourselves and want to continue to learn about ourselves and share ourselves with each other. We married individuals, not roles.
Quite honestly, I had anxiety about marriage in the general sense, but none of those anxieties were there with DH or our relationship. I cannot explain it very well, but the nature of DH and our relationship is one where my anxieties were just not applicable anymore. I *know* we are in this journey together, and I *know* we can share anything with one another and be completely ourselves, and I also *know* we support each others individual growth.
I get a little cheesy when I talk about DH and our marriage, but I truly feel blessed and do not know how else to convey it.
But at 22, as you are, even though I was fully independent, responsible and had some maturing life experiences, I can say no way was I ready myself personally...no matter who I was with. If DH and I had met that many years ago, I think it would have all turned out very differently. So no, I do not think your fears are unusual. And I do not think you should rush it at all. You have all the time in the world, and do not need to get married NOW just because you can, you know?
Marriage, as others have said, is what you and your partner want and make it to be. No more and no less than that. There is no reason to have to conform to some sort of expected societal role. DH and I certainly do not have traditional roles. When we first met on e-harmony, one of the questions he actually asked me in our communication was what I thought about traditional roles. My response was along the lines that I reject the idea of living "roles" and believe couples should live and relate in relationship in a way that works for them and they create together. Apparently my very honest response about that, and a couple other questions, had him extremely interested in continuing our communication and we have similar views in this way.
Both DH and I can honestly say one of the reasons we wanted to marry one another is because we truly feel *freedom* being together. Indeed we each said so in the vows we surprised each other with. We feel accepted, loved, supported and encouraged to be the individuals we each are and to continue to grow as individuals. We have such an open, vulnerable and honest relationship...we are completely our true selves with one another. Now that is freedom! It was an EASY choice for us both to make TOGETHER (hence never feeling like a Lady in Waiting). Not a blind choice by any means, but not one that felt anything less than comfortable.
We do make decisions in our lives as a team. We are committed to our lives as such. Partners in crime, as Haven aptly put it. I would not move across country without him, to be honest, or he without me, for example, but we have moved across country together before we ever even talked about marriage as that sense of being a team was already there. I enjoy being a team! I am still an individual even though we are a team.
I even look forward to children eventually, something that used to terrify me with the responsibility, as I know we will be a team and be there with each other to share the responsibility, the tears, the joy. And DH will be the one staying at home, so that eases my own stress a bit, ha. Still, that is a way off (if it happens) and right now we are just enjoying it being the two of us.
And no we do not live like 20-somethings. We do not want to! We live like *RaiKai and B*! Whatever that is. We are in our 30s but hardly old, if you ask us! Just comfortable in our own skin and having even more fun than we did years ago as a result. I think the younger couples we meet at times think we are a bit odd at times, ha! For the record, we do rent. We both used to own homes with previous partners, but now we enjoy renting. And while we get pressure at times to buy, we don't really care much about that. We do not want to buy right now, and the next home we do buy will be our dream home we build. We have the starter home bug out of us from previous experience. We do what is right for us and what works for us. Just to say, you do not have to have a mortgage, etc, just as you get married, ya know!?
We feel blessed to be together. I would not want to be with anyone else, real or fantasy! We are best friends, confidantes, lovers, supporters, witnesses, discoverers and so on. But we also met when we were both ready as individuals to be together and the road was not a straight path to that place. We both had a lot of life, personal and relationship experiences and growth before getting to where we are. We are both self-aware and continue striving to be and neither would have married someone who wasn't also. There was no fear of "losing ourselves" as we know ourselves and want to continue to learn about ourselves and share ourselves with each other. We married individuals, not roles.
Quite honestly, I had anxiety about marriage in the general sense, but none of those anxieties were there with DH or our relationship. I cannot explain it very well, but the nature of DH and our relationship is one where my anxieties were just not applicable anymore. I *know* we are in this journey together, and I *know* we can share anything with one another and be completely ourselves, and I also *know* we support each others individual growth.
I get a little cheesy when I talk about DH and our marriage, but I truly feel blessed and do not know how else to convey it.
But at 22, as you are, even though I was fully independent, responsible and had some maturing life experiences, I can say no way was I ready myself personally...no matter who I was with. If DH and I had met that many years ago, I think it would have all turned out very differently. So no, I do not think your fears are unusual. And I do not think you should rush it at all. You have all the time in the world, and do not need to get married NOW just because you can, you know?
300x240.png)