Sending Invitations After a Regret?

[wyndham]

Hi All,
After sending out our Save the Date cards, a few people have let us know that they already have conflicts that same weekend and won''t be able to attend our wedding. My mom suggested that we don''t need to send these people invitations since they''re already technically RSVP''ed, but I am under the impression that we should still sending an invitation regardless. We did choose fairly expensive invitations, so there would definitely be a decent cost savings if we skipped sending invitations to those who have already regretted.
So, what do you all think? Should we still send invitations to those who have regretted, or should we skip sending them an invitation?
Thanks!

 

[meresal]

You know... if I told someone that I wasn't going to be able to make it and then got an invitation, I would think they were trying to ensure a gift.

 

[violet3]

Date: 4/9/2009 4:13:52 PM
Author: meresal
You know... if I told someone that I wasn''t going to be able to make it and then got an invitation, I would think they were trying to ensure a gift.

This is interesting -- i know absolutely nothing about the "rules," of all this wedding stuff, so i love hearing what people think about certain topics. Won''t there be some people be offended if they don''t get the formal invitation? I would lean toward the other side of this and be afraid NOT to send one for this reason - i would never have considered being thought of as fishing for a gift.

 

[wyndham]

Date: 4/9/2009 4:13:52 PM
Author: meresal
You know... if I told someone that I wasn''t going to be able to make it and then got an invitation, I would think they were trying to ensure a gift.

Meresal, that''s interesting, I hadn''t thought of it that way. So you don''t plan to send invitations to people who got your Save the Date and mentioned that they wouldn''t be able to make it? I''ve read several of your posts and it sounds like we have similar events planned, so I''m interested in what you''ll do.
Thanks!

 

[meresal]

Wyndham- I haven't gotten any I don't think. They only ones I would send to, after being told that they weren't coming, would be family members. If anyone else wanted an invitation, they shouldn't have mentioned they couldn't come. My personal opinion of course

 

[meresal]

Date: 4/9/2009 4:18:35 PM
Author: violet3

Date: 4/9/2009 4:13:52 PM
Author: meresal
You know... if I told someone that I wasn''t going to be able to make it and then got an invitation, I would think they were trying to ensure a gift.

This is interesting -- i know absolutely nothing about the ''rules,'' of all this wedding stuff, so i love hearing what people think about certain topics. Won''t there be some people be offended if they don''t get the formal invitation? I would lean toward the other side of this and be afraid NOT to send one for this reason - i would never have considered being thought of as fishing for a gift.

violet3- I''m initially thinking strictly in terms of friends. If they told me they couldn''t come, then why would they want me to waste $10 to send them an invite? Isn''t that the point of telling the bride/groom before hand?

 

[meresal]

Haven is going to shun me... I just google'd it and almost everywhere says to send them anyway.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I personally would still send invitations even if they said they couldn''t make it. Their plans may open up between when you send the STD and the invitations go out. I would send out the invitations and then wait to count them as NO when you get their official RSVP.

 

[meresal]

Date: 4/9/2009 4:38:05 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I personally would still send invitations even if they said they couldn't make it. Their plans may open up between when you send the STD and the invitations go out. I would send out the invitations and then wait to count them as NO when you get their official RSVP.

HH, I can understand that. I guess I'm just being too practical for wedding purposes.

We have a pair of friends that are getting married the week before us, and will be on their honeymoon. We aren't sending them an invitation. They know they would be invited otherwise. It just seems ridiculous to send them one.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/9/2009 4:51:42 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 4/9/2009 4:38:05 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

I personally would still send invitations even if they said they couldn''t make it. Their plans may open up between when you send the STD and the invitations go out. I would send out the invitations and then wait to count them as NO when you get their official RSVP.

HH, I can understand that. I guess I''m just being too practical for wedding purposes.


We have a pair of friends that are getting married the week before us, and will be on their honeymoon. We aren''t sending them an invitation. They know they would be invited otherwise. It just seems ridiculous to send them one.

Yea, believe me, I understand. Invitations are expensive and that''s even before you get into postage! I would say go ahead and risk not sending out an invite if you know for sure they''re not coming. Otherwise they should go out to everyone. It''s really not a ploy to get gifts, just common courtesy and tradition/etiquette.

 

[Clairitek]

I got an STD from a friend who is having a wedding on a date that we know we can''t go for sure. I sent her a FB message saying congrats and thanking her for including us. Then I told her we would be on vacation (turns out its our honeymoon now) and couldn''t make it. She never replied and I''m curious to know whether or not she will send us a real invite. I plan on getting her a wedding gift either way but I was just trying to save her a few bucks spent on an invite. If I do receive an invite to her wedding I don''t think I would view it as fishing for a gift, rather that she was just being thorough.

I suppose my vote is to follow what etiquette says just to be safe.

 

[FrekeChild]

Yeah I wouldn''t send one, unless it was a family member or someone who would want to keep an invitation. I''m a bit too practical with that stuff too. Especially since I''m making them myself and don''t really want to have to deal with making one that isn''t actually necessary.

Oh HAVEN!!!!!!

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

Date: 4/9/2009 4:13:52 PM
Author: meresal
You know... if I told someone that I wasn''t going to be able to make it and then got an invitation, I would think they were trying to ensure a gift.

This is kind of what I was thinking to... Knowing my family, etc they would see the invite and think "I already told them we couldn''t go... I don''t know why they sent/wasted the invite." Or I would worry that I was making them feel bad for saying they couldn''t come and feel like I was pushing it on them to be there.... Again, it''s just my family that I feel that way about they are very... untraditional.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/9/2009 4:36:21 PM
Author: meresal
Haven is going to shun me... I just google''d it and almost everywhere says to send them anyway.

Ha ha!

I would never shun you, mere, you''re like my partner in crime for all things formal and traditional where weddings are concerned.

While the correct thing to do is to send the invite, I would consider how the invitees would take it--are they the type to get in a huff about receiving a formal invite after giving you a verbal regret? If so, I''d spare myself the drama. On the other hand, if they''re like some of my family members and they''d get their pretty panties in a bunch if you didn''t send the formal invite, that''s a different story.

I''d make this call based on the individuals, and if in doubt, I''d send the formal invite, anyway.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/9/2009 5:55:50 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Yeah I wouldn''t send one, unless it was a family member or someone who would want to keep an invitation. I''m a bit too practical with that stuff too. Especially since I''m making them myself and don''t really want to have to deal with making one that isn''t actually necessary.

Oh HAVEN!!!!!!

Oh gosh, I really don''t know anything at all, ladies. I just have a big library of reference books!

 

[FrekeChild]

Well hit those reference books lady! (And send me some titles, because I have NONE!)

 

[meresal]

Date: 4/9/2009 7:15:12 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 4/9/2009 4:36:21 PM
Author: meresal
Haven is going to shun me... I just google''d it and almost everywhere says to send them anyway.

Ha ha!

I would never shun you, mere, you''re like my partner in crime for all things formal and traditional where weddings are concerned.

Phew!!

 

[CNOS128]

I had a couple of people who told me they couldn''t attend after they received the save-the-dates, but I sent them invitations anyway. I didn''t even think about the fact that it seems like you''re asking for a gift - I was so concerned with the etiquette that dictates that everyone who''s invited to the engagement party or receives a save the date should be sent an invitation.

In one case, we''d already given the person''s name to the calligrapher and received the calligraphied envelopes so I figured I might as well send it. In the other case, it''s a family member of my fiance who was very sad not to be able to attend, and I think they''d feel left out if they didn''t receive the invitation. But hey, maybe I''ll get some extra presents!

I also thought (hoped) that their situations might change and they''d be able to attend after all!!

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/9/2009 7:38:53 PM
Author: TheBigT
I had a couple of people who told me they couldn''t attend after they received the save-the-dates, but I sent them invitations anyway. I didn''t even think about the fact that it seems like you''re asking for a gift - I was so concerned with the etiquette that dictates that everyone who''s invited to the engagement party or receives a save the date should be sent an invitation.

In one case, we''d already given the person''s name to the calligrapher and received the calligraphied envelopes so I figured I might as well send it. In the other case, it''s a family member of my fiance who was very sad not to be able to attend, and I think they''d feel left out if they didn''t receive the invitation. But hey, maybe I''ll get some extra presents!

I also thought (hoped) that their situations might change and they''d be able to attend after all!!

That''s a really good point--what if a person''s plans changed and they ended up being available on the wedding date, yet they weren''t issues a formal invitation?

 

[wyndham]

Date: 4/9/2009 7:15:12 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 4/9/2009 4:36:21 PM

Author: meresal

Haven is going to shun me... I just google''d it and almost everywhere says to send them anyway.

Ha ha!

I would never shun you, mere, you''re like my partner in crime for all things formal and traditional where weddings are concerned.

While the correct thing to do is to send the invite, I would consider how the invitees would take it--are they the type to get in a huff about receiving a formal invite after giving you a verbal regret? If so, I''d spare myself the drama. On the other hand, if they''re like some of my family members and they''d get their pretty panties in a bunch if you didn''t send the formal invite, that''s a different story.


I''d make this call based on the individuals, and if in doubt, I''d send the formal invite, anyway.

Thanks Haven--I was hoping you would chime in!

What did you do for your wedding? I like the idea of only sending formal invitations to my family / my parents'' friends. I''m sure our friends who can''t come won''t mind a bit.

Thanks to everyone for chiming in -- I appreciate all of the advice!

 

[Haven]

Unfortunately, I''m no help as far as my own personal experience is concerned because we didn''t send out save-the-dates. I was planning on it, but we married on July 4th, and while people commonly think you have more reason to send out the save-the-dates for a holiday wedding, we found it was unnecessary because everyone memorized our date the moment they asked us what we had decided on because it''s a difficult date to forget!

I would have sent the formal invites to everyone, though, regardless of whether they could attend or not. I think of invitations as a beautiful way of telling your guests that they are so important to you, you''d like them to be there when you celebrate a very special moment of your life.

I love getting wedding invitations, and I''d be a little hurt if a friend didn''t send one to me simply because they knew I couldn''t attend. BUT, that''s me, and I''m a sap for all things stationery.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/9/2009 7:47:45 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 4/9/2009 7:38:53 PM
Author: TheBigT
I also thought (hoped) that their situations might change and they''d be able to attend after all!!

That''s a really good point--what if a person''s plans changed and they ended up being available on the wedding date, yet they weren''t issues a formal invitation?

That''s exactly why I sent 4 or 5 invitations to people/families that had already said they couldn''t make it. They did seem like fence-sitters, though, and that they might change their minds and decide to make the effort to go.

It would never EVER occur to me that someone was trying to ensure a gift by sending an invitation... I really hope no one thought that about us

we didn''t even provide gift information, so hopefully not.

 

[Sabine]

I would send them.

I have a friend who ended up getting married on the same day I did (long story), but we still sent each other invites even though there was NO way we were attending.

 

[honey22]

I totally see Meresal''s point, but I being the OCD type, would think, well what if there plans changed and they could make it, an didn''t send an invite, and then they felt like they were not wanted? I would probably still send the invite, and pop in a little note explaining that you understand they couldn''t make it, but you wanted to let them know they are more than welcome should plans change.

 

[pocahontas]

FI and I did send invitations to the handful of guests who told us in advance they wouldn''t be able to attend our wedding. Our thinking was exactly what others have mentioned, there could have been the off chance of someone''s plans changing and we didn''t want anyone to feel like we didn''t care enough about their attendance to not formally invite them.

 

[ladyciel]

We ran into this situation, and we decided to send the invitations anyway. Our 3 main thoughts were that 1) plans change, especially as far out as from when STDs are usually sent, 2) our desire to invite them to the wedding did not change, 3) they might not be able to come to the wedding, but they might appreciate seeing/receiving the invitation. Why would the invite be seen as a gift grab? They were already kinda-sorta invited, just not officially. Unless the invite includes registry info...THAT might seem greedy. If you were really worried, you could always include an extra note tucked into the envelope expressing your reasons for sending the invitation "anyway".

 

[wyndham]

Date: 4/9/2009 9:36:27 PM
Author: ladyciel
We ran into this situation, and we decided to send the invitations anyway. Our 3 main thoughts were that 1) plans change, especially as far out as from when STDs are usually sent, 2) our desire to invite them to the wedding did not change, 3) they might not be able to come to the wedding, but they might appreciate seeing/receiving the invitation. Why would the invite be seen as a gift grab? They were already kinda-sorta invited, just not officially. Unless the invite includes registry info...THAT might seem greedy. If you were really worried, you could always include an extra note tucked into the envelope expressing your reasons for sending the invitation ''anyway''.

I love that idea, Lady Ciel -- thanks so much!!

 

[ladyciel]

Date: 4/9/2009 10:49:55 PM
Author: wyndham
I love that idea, Lady Ciel -- thanks so much!!

Glad I could help!

 

[bee*]

We have some people who might not be able to make it but we''re going to send them anyway just in case they can now make it. If you know 100% that they aren''t coming, then I probably wouldn''t send the invite.

 

[dcgator]

Date: 4/9/2009 7:38:53 PM
Author: TheBigT
I had a couple of people who told me they couldn''t attend after they received the save-the-dates, but I sent them invitations anyway. I didn''t even think about the fact that it seems like you''re asking for a gift - I was so concerned with the etiquette that dictates that everyone who''s invited to the engagement party or receives a save the date should be sent an invitation.

In one case, we''d already given the person''s name to the calligrapher and received the calligraphied envelopes so I figured I might as well send it. In the other case, it''s a family member of my fiance who was very sad not to be able to attend, and I think they''d feel left out if they didn''t receive the invitation. But hey, maybe I''ll get some extra presents!

I also thought (hoped) that their situations might change and they''d be able to attend after all!!

I second that notion. If I sent them a STD, then I sent them an invite. I know that some people said they couldn''t come, but a 1) Hope they may change their mind 2) Want them to still know they are thought of, even if they told me they couldn''t come 3) Would appreciate the thought if the situation was reversed.