Serious Family Drama--long post, need help!!

[hairgirl95]

Hi everyone--

Sorry for this long post, but I need some guidance here. I am so stressed out over this family drama that I can''t even go to sleep tonight. Here is the issue at hand:

I posted in here a little over a month ago about my sister going into early labor and losing a baby at 22 weeks. It was a very sad time for our entire family. Grief is definitely a process, and I realize that everyone goes through the steps at their own pace. But the loss of this baby seems to be ripping my family apart.

First, my sister and my mom are complete wrecks. They have immersed themselves in self help books, but refuse to seek any kind of grief counseling to help them move through the phases of grief. They are so wrapped up in each other and they spend most of their free time commiserating together. This is causing A LOT of tension with the rest of the family. Some of the issues that we have faced are:

1. My sister is upset with her husband because she thinks that he is "recovering" from the loss too fast. She wants to spend every waking moment discussing it and re-hashing it, and he wants to move on. She gets mad when he doesn''t want to dwell on the loss. I fear this is causing a rift between the two of them. She has become very demanding and dictating of his time, and has removed any element of fun in his life. I know this cannot be good for their relationship, and she complains about him to the rest of us, so it spills over onto us. She refers to her life pre-baby as her "perfect life" and now her life will never be perfect again. I will admit, she has had a pretty smooth path in life. She has not had to face many difficulties. It sucks that this first "speed bump" in the road of life had to be a real doozie for her, but none of us can change that.

2. My mom has completely lost her sane and rational thinking. I have another sister who has 3 kids of her own. My mom doesn''t spend any time with her grandchildren anymore. Her free time is literally consumed with the other sister who lost the baby. She used to be very involved in their life, and now spending time with her grandkids seems to be an inconvenience. When my mom does spend time with the other sister and her kids, she ridicules my sister on how she is raising her kids and how she disciplines them. This is causing the sis with kids to be pretty ticked off. This was never an issue before. I don''t live very close to my family, so phone and email is the primary means of communication. I can''t even get my mom to answer her phone. She is too busy with the sister who lost the baby. They are pretty much together unless they are sleeping or at work. She doesn''t even return the call when she gets a free moment. The only time I get her to call me back is because she wants information about something from me. When I do get a phone conversation in with her, I end up being the bad guy because I am not doing enough for my sister who is hurting. I have been told I don''t call my sister enough (when I do call, she doesn''t answer, AND doesn''t return the call), I have moved on too quickly, and everyone is acting like life is back to normal. We have all even been accused by my mom of forgetting this baby was born--she tells us other two siblings that this baby was a huge part of our lives and we should never forget the baby was born. Ummmm, okay, I have no clue where that is coming from. We have no plans for mothers day this year, because my sister might have a bad day that day. Yes, I get that, but what about honoring MY mother? And what about honoring the sister that has children? Moms day used to be a huge event in our family. Now it seems totally irrelevant to my mom and grieving sister. I haven''t even been asked to come home for moms day--and that is unheard of.

I really don''t mean to come off as unsympathetic and cold, but I really think this situation is going to end up badly. Yes, grief is a nasty thing to deal with. I have had my share through my life. My road in life hasn''t been as smooth and easy sailing as my grieving sister''s has been. I think the part that really kicks my shins is that I have been through the loss of 4 babies myself--not as far along as 22 weeks, but you know, those were my hopes and dreams that died right along with each miscarriage I had too. Sadly,I had no support at ALL from my mom or the grieving sister when I lost 4 pregnancies. When I told them about each loss as they happened, it was as if I told them it was raining outside, and on to the next subject. In fact, in some sense, I feel like my grieving sis was kinda happy about it--she is a little competitive, and made several comments about how she better get pregnant before me or she would be really mad. I guess I am a little hurt, a little bitter, and yes, really disappointed.

So, I guess my eternal question is where to go from here. There is a decisive line drawn among the rest of the family, and everyone else is completely invisible to my mom and sister. I kept thinking this would get better, but with each passing week, its getting worse. My other sister thinks that maybe we should sit down with my mom and talk to her. I am a little scared to do it. I have recommended counseling to both my mom and grieving sis, but it falls on deaf ears. I would take any suggestions here. My greatest fear is that if something doesn''t change soon, our family may never bounce back.

 

[bee*]

ugh sorry to hear about your situation. Sending hugs! I would try and sit down with your other sister and try and talk with your mother. Perhaps then she can talk to your sister who lost her baby and try and help her get over it. I know it will take a while but I agree with you-I think that professional help would be great if they''d go along with it.

 

[Deelight]

Hairgirl I am sorry your having to deal with this, it sucks when any family has a loss and it doubly sucks when it feels as if your family is being torn apart.

I tried posting some advice but I can''t word it eloquently enough for me to think that it would be any use to you, sorry. I will say though you have my greatest sympathies for the loss in your family and the ripple effect it has caused.

I would if you could maybe talk to some other family members and see if the rest of you can come together and help guide your mum and sister and BIL into some counseling talking about an event outside of the family unit can help with the process of healing and hopefully moving on.

 

[Delster]

hairgirl I''m so sorry your family is being put through so much right now. And I''m so sorry for your sister''s loss, and for you own losses. You are very good to be looking out for your Mom and sister like this. I second the advice that a grief counsellor would probably be a good idea. I think your sister has the right idea about sitting down with your Mom and telling her about your concerns. Take care.

 

[Erin]

You''re right. Grieving is a process. However, your Mom and Sis are finding solace in the depression stage. Or anger stage? I''m not qualified to answer. It takes different amounts of time for each person but when another is enabling you to stay stuck in one stage, it becomes comforting.

Perhaps your family should not sit down and gang up on them, but perhaps the most influential of all members - your Dad? - should be the one to recommend professional counseling. Say, "We feel this traumatic experience is something that is too big for you to rationalize on your own. Perhaps getting your feelings out with a counselor will help you to see that we all grieve differently and no one is to blame for that. But it can also help you get to the stage where it doesn''t control your every thoughts. It''s really sad to watch you hurt."

 

[CrookedRock]

Hairgirl, I''m so sorry to hear about these issues, I know how frustrating it can be to not have family be in agreeance.
It seems like going to your grieving sister or mother may not be the best route. If your Dad is around I agree that speaking with him could help. If not you may want to talk to your other sister and see if the 2 of you can''t get on the same page and go to them to try to help. Counseling would probably be best, but I know that I have a mother that will not even consider that, so yours may not either.

Another thought would be to take it from a different angle and maybe write your grieving sis a letter. You could explain that you too have been through very similar situations and that you feel her pain and understand it takes time to heal, but you are there for her when she is ready. I tend to think letters are a lost art and when someone receives one they know that someone took a great deal of time to think about them and write them.

And I want to say that I am so sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine having to go through that, and I even more sorry that your family did not take it as seriously as they are your sis''s. You deserved to grieve and you deserved your family to grieve with you.
Best of luck with this. Please keep us posted on how things are going.

 

[lauralu]

This is a tough situation. I am so sorry for the loss you and your sister have experienced. IMO...I am thinking that your best chance in making some sort of plan to help your sister, lies with your mom. I think it''s a wonderful idea to have a the family intervention with just your mom. Maybe you can get her to hear and listen and realize that she is not helping her daughter but enabling her through a painful grief process as well as alienating the rest of her children.

Important as well is your mother needs to hear how everyone else is feeling about mothers day ect.

Take care and I hope this gets better soon. Again I am so sorry

 

[Erin]

I just wanted to add that a friend of mine was in a car accident with his son which left the son paralyzed. His wife was so angry with him for getting past it too easily. He felt she was consumed with misery. He felt, to a degree, life DID need to go on. He still had to go to work, to pay the bills, he still needed to mow the lawn, and he still needed to go to a baseball game to experience moments where the accident wasn''t the only thing in his life. She looked at those choices in a negative light and a year later they divorced. I think if they would have just taken the time to talk to an unbiased professional they could have easily accepted each other''s POVs and choices instead of harboring negative feelings for one another.

 

[ahappygirl]

I''m so sorry to hear about your miscarriages and the loss your sister has gone through. I don''t have much original advice to offer but I do agree that your sister and her husband need to deal with this between them. Men often deal with grief very differently because sitting around and talking and crying, etc isn''t what they are taught is socially acceptable, even if they feel the same emotions. My husband and I went to a trauma counselor together after a series of traumatic events, including the near loss of our son (another thread). My husband who typically has the patience of Job and is the nicest and most gracious person I''ve ever met was ANGRY at the world. My sister always had a pretty easy life in the sense that she always got everything she worked for and didn''t really have anything "unfair" happen to her until after college, and she generally seems to have a harder time dealing with things as an adult. I learned early in life you could do everything right and still have bad things happen. That being said, I would just love your sister through this. Assure her that nothing compares to losing a child, she should take all the time she needs to grieve, she should be very gentle and kind to herself, that while she won''t be the same person as before, she deserves to be happy again, her husband deserves to have a happy wife/ life, and their future children deserve a happy and whole mom. She won''t get over this (which to her implies forgetting about the child), but she will get through this. Her husband deserves the same kindnesses and needs to be allowed to grieve in his own way, too. He probably feels helpless to comfort his wife in addition to his own feelings about losing their child.

I also agree your mom / other sister should be honored on Mother''s Day! Even if it''s just a heartfelt letter /card from you. Maybe it would be helpful to give this sister something on that day to acknowledge her experience- an angel pin? Extra hugs? I agree with the other posts about counselling, and think maybe your mom is inadvertantly enabling your sister to get stuck in a place that isn''t helpful for her or her marriage.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Certainly not eloquent and I don''t know if this was at all helpful, but you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[hairgirl95]

Thank you all of you for the wonderful support and advice. Most of you suggested the counseling option, and I agree 100% that its the best option.

Crooked Rock--yes, my mom is like yours. Therapy is just taboo!! She has this public image thing and is convinced therapy is a sign of weakness. I really don't understand it. I have seen a therapist on a couple of occasions and the clarity they help you find is amazing. I had to chuckle at what you wrote about your mom because it describes mine to a T!!

Bee--thank you sweetie--ditto on the professional help.

Deelight--I hear ya on the eloquent part of writing on a topic like this. Heck, I had a hard time POSTING about it! I was worried how it would come across--if I expressed too much anger, it would seem resentful & catty. Its just a crappy subject!! I like your idea about involving other family members as well in trying to get over this emotional bridge. Thank you!!

Delster--thank you for your kind words

Starset--I agree with you 100%! I think this has become an enabling process with the two of them. I see so many positives of counseling for both of them. I too worry how the long term effects will impact my sis and BIL marriage. I have heard so many stories like you described--one person moves on, as we all have to at some point, and the other gets "stuck" in grief mode and it deteriorates the relationship. The arguments and resentment escalate to a point of no return.

lauralu--you described perfectly how we are feeling--alienated. To the point of none of us are included in ANYTHING with the two of them anymore. We aren't as "depressed and mad" as they are, so we are not in the "grief club" for lack of better terminology. You and starset hit the nail on the head with the enabling factor.

happygirl--I think you wrote very eloquently and from the heart. You are right--we will never forget, but you have to learn the new normal. Our siblings have that in common--and I think the lack of serious life potholes in the road of life HAS made this process waaaaaay harder for my sister to deal with. When you have that image in your head that everything you work for comes your way, and then something doesn't go as planned, you don't have other life experiences of hurt and anger to help you deal with the trauma at hand. Its frustrating see someone spiraling downhill. Your words really hit home with me--thank you!!


I cannot tell you all enough how much I appreciate your input. I agree with all of you--we have to find a way for them to get some professional help. And as several of you pointed out, and I agree with, my mom's enabling of this situation is probably a large reason my sis and her husband are having a hard time grieving together. I my interpretation, its kind of like an emotional affair--the person you are married to isn't giving you what you need emotionally, so you seek it elsewhere. In this case, its not a lover, its my mom. My mom and sis are emotionally deeper into this and its sucking the life out of their other relationships.

Sorry this ended up being so long. I will definitely keep you posted on this--I am sure it will be an ongoing situation for awhile. Thank you all sooo much.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Italia, your post struck a real chord with me. I''m forced at the moment to watch a friend grieve for the loss of her prematurely born granddaughter and there is nothing I can say or do that will begin to touch her grief or help her in any practical way. I could weep for her, for her pain and for her loss. She''s grieving for the baby and also for her own child''s pain. I''m totally helpless in the face of her loss. All I can say is that looking back over the last 8 months, it has got a little better - she and her daughter are both slowly, slowly starting to move to the next phase of their lives, emphasis on slowly. They won''t accept professional help either. There is a bond between them that excludes the rest of their increasingly frustrated and upset family too.

Your mom and sister will one day move past this pain too, but I suspect it will take a lot of time and will be two steps forward, one back sometimes. I''m not trying to minimize your concerns, rather to suggest that what they''re going through might not be too worrying or unusual at this stage and to say that things will improve with time. If you can get someone they will listen to to suggest professional therapy, great -it''s only going to help. If not, maybe just keep an eye on things and look for improvements - there''s a good chance they will be tiny, but I think that they will start to happen over time.

I wanted to say also how sorry I am for your own losses. I''m sorry you didn''t get support from your family, and I hope you had friends / husband to get you through it.

I agree with the suggestion of finding a small way to mark mother''s day this year - something that acknowledges your mother and sister''s loss, but also reaffirms the relationship you have and need to have with them.

I hope things start to look brighter for your family really soon and that your mother and sister can find some happiness again. Mostly, I hope that you can find a way of living with the situation until things improve.

Thinking about you and your folks.

Jen

 

[Maisie]

I was pregnant with twins and one of my babies died in the womb late in the pregnancy. I had to give birth to a live and a dead baby.

I felt the same as your sister. My husband wasn''t (in my opinion) behaving the way I thought he should. He focused on James while I couldn''t stop thinking about Madison. Family didn''t know what to say to us and I couldn''t stand the idea of a grief group or counselling.

We are almost 4 years along now and I still don''t feel that I am over it. I don''t go a single day without yearning for my lost baby.

You must let them grieve in their own way. No two people will react the same way and there are no right and wrong ways to grieve.

 

[FireGoddess]

When you initially posted a month ago, was that the time when your sister lost the baby? Because that is not a lot of time to go by and it would seem a little premature to be concerned over their level of grief right now. A friend of mine lost her baby 2 weeks before it was due and it took her years to get over it. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Try to be there for them of course, but you or others deciding that it''s time for them to stop or to grieve in a different way does not seem the best thing right now.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/29/2008 2:29:46 PM
Author: FireGoddess
When you initially posted a month ago, was that the time when your sister lost the baby? Because that is not a lot of time to go by and it would seem a little premature to be concerned over their level of grief right now. A friend of mine lost her baby 2 weeks before it was due and it took her years to get over it. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Try to be there for them of course, but you or others deciding that it's time for them to stop or to grieve in a different way does not seem the best thing right now.

I don't know, in one of my psych classes my Professor said if you don't start moving through grief by the first month or so you're dipping into depression. That doesn't mean you have to be completely over it, but you should be moving through the stages of grief. It sounds to me like they are stuck and they're dipping into depression. But I'm not a psychologist, so I would suggest that you try to get them to someone professional. I know they don't want to go, but I agree with the other people here that say some sort of intervention needs to take place. Something kind of like this happened in my family. When my Grandfather died, my Aunt got stuck in the grief process. She is NOT the same today. She has lost it. I know losing a father is not the same as losing a baby or grandchild, but she still snapped. And she needed help and wouldn't get help and now we don't even know her anymore. Please try to find a way to get them help if possible.

ETA: Again, I am not saying they should be "over it." You never get over grief, but they should be moving along and it seems that they're stuck.

 

[hairgirl95]

Hi again--

I so appreciate the responses I am getting here. You all are making this easier to process in my own mind.

mrsmitchell--You are right--2 steps forward, 1 backwards. That is how it is most of the time. I TOTALLY agree with the aspect that my mom is grieving for both the granddaughter and my sister. I have done some research that has gone as far as to say that grandparents often times have more difficulty with the grief process because of this very reason. Yes, I was very fortunate to have my husband and friends support during my losses. They were all very supportive. Going through all of this with my own fertility issues has actually made the bond between me and my husband stronger. I am very fortunate for that.

Maisie--bless you sweetheart, my heart goes out to you. And yes, you are totally right. There is no right or wrong way to go through this process. I think, based on my own experiences, that when you lose a child, no matter how or when, part of your soul goes to heaven with that child. You are in my prayers--

firegoddess--yes, this is the same situation I posted about a month ago when she lost the baby. March 18th to be exact. And yes, its not a lot of time to pass, but the concern I have is as more time goes by, the depression seems to be getting worse. I know that the shock and anger have to run its course, but I fear that they are both not really progressing, but rather regressing, as time goes on. I do see your point, and that is one reason I feared posting about this because I didn''t want to seem cold and callous to their feelings. I think I am just at a loss as to what to do when they have shut all of us out.

Sarah--oh my gosh, reading your post is exactly what I fear happening. I feel like the regressing and "stuck" mode they are in is going to get really ugly as time goes on. Reading what you wrote was kind of reading my own mind. You are right--you never get "over" something like this, but unfortunately, life does go on. You have to learn the new "normal" that your life becomes. My greatest fear is they don''t get the help they need, they never move through the grief process, and it ends up costing them both their intimacy with the rest of the family. I know ther is no timeline, but I think small progress should be the ultimate goal.


Once again, I really appreciate all your feedback. I know its a difficult subject matter, and there are no right or wrong ways to go through this. Its really hard when its a constant emotional battle. I think the reason it has been so hard on my sister and me is because yes, we mourn the loss of our little niece. And we both have our own ways of dealing with the hurt and loss. But for both of us, life HAS to go on. My other sis has 3 children to think about. And they miss their grandma. For myself, I want to have the long anticipated baby that hasn''t happened for us yet. I feel like if I get pregnant right now, it would be a bad thing because of my mom and sister. I know they could not be happy for me, and would not pretend to be. So in my mind I have to ponder do I go ahead and try again for a baby (we have the docs all clear to do so) and risk alienating my mom and sister, or do I put my life on the back burner and respect their feelings and wait to conceive again. I don''t think either option is really fair. I know life isn''t fair. Its just so complex--so many what if''s and what should I do''s.

 

[FireGoddess]

It''s not that I don''t think professional help would benefit them, it''s just that I caution against pushing really hard because you (or others) think they should be progressing along the stages of grief more quickly. She carried the baby for 22 weeks. She''s been grieving for 6.

Yes, life has to go on, your other sister (the one with 3 kids) has to go on, but the one who just lost her child is entitled to a little selfishness and wound licking right now. That shouldn''t impact when you start trying to start your own family because you don''t want to risk alienating your mother and sister. I would give them a little credit that their sadness wouldn''t begrudge you your own happiness. That would truly be sad.

I guess I just don''t understand this time schedule of moving through grief. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better and after carrying the baby for 5.5 months, it doesn''t seem like 1.5 months is excessive, whether by textbook definition she''s ''flirting with depression'' or not. It''d be great if she could get to a grief counselor. If she''s not ready though, she''s not ready. But it''s something I''d mention intermittently with the idea that when she is ready, she''ll get the help.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

hi hairgirl,
i am so sorry for your losses as well as the loss your sister has suffered. i had 3 mc/es before children 4 and 5 and it seemed noone understood. i have a very full house now but still sometimes think of my maybe babies and how wonderful they would have been as people in my own life.
i have to suggest that your sister was pg for 22 weeks and HORMONALLY alone, recovering from pg takes awhile. she may even have some post-partum depression from the hormonal changes alone, mixed with her grief. it seems like you feel helpless as well as an outsider to her and your mum-i shake my head and have no answers there. your mum probably feels she is "being there" for your sister and her loss.
like some others here, i believe time will soften this huge blow-i know my hubby never felt the way i did after my m/c''es.(by the 3rd one, it was almost as if it hadn''t happened at all). grief like this can really separate a couple, it''s so difficult. men have no idea what our bodies(and hearts) go thru while we are pg. i took on my infertility pretty much alone(except for my awesome teen-age daughter who was always there for me during my ttc days)
i will pray for your sister''s emotional recovery. i hope things start to look a little brighter for all of you.i think grief and recovery is so individual. you are a good sister for caring so much about her well being. i hope you will have a better update soon.
bless your heart

 

[ljmorgan]

It''s only been a month -- you need to let your sister and her husband work out their problems on their own. As for your mother, all you can do is encourage her to seek counseling, but even she needs time to grieve and help your sister.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I agree that it is just too soon for people to expect her to be getting over it. I do understand that men are totally different than women and his reaction is probably typical. We know a young woman whose baby died about a month before her due date last summer, and I can assure you the family still is being very careful around her. Her husband''s sister is trying to wait to get pregnant until she does again. (She hasn''t been able to even try since her husband is stationed in the Middle East. He had to leave about a week after the baby died, too.)

I think it would actually be odd if your sister were not depressed. I think these things take time and that counseling is totally up to her. I would not mention it. I''d just send her cards telling her you love her and are thinking of her, and I''d send your mom a loving Mother''s Day card.

I am very sorry for your losses as well. You are in a difficult position. Part of me thinks you need to do what is best for you and your husband, but on the other hand, I think it might be upsetting not to have your family be excited for you if you did get pregnant again very soon. So my thought would be that it might be better to wait at least a little while.

 

[miraclesrule]

I don''t know what a reasonable amount of tme to grieve would be, however, a woman in my office lost her baby and she was even farther along than your sister. She came back to work after a week and I felt so bad for her, but she was so determined to have a baby (she got married a month before getting pregnant and is in her mid-30''s), but she''s now pregnant again and farther along than the last pregnancy.

My greatest concerns about your situation are:

a) your Mom''s loss of interest in her other grandchildren right now. I think that being with them would be therapeutic, but perhaps she is concerned that it would hurt you sister even more.

b) The relationship between your sister and her husband. As most people have indicated on this thread, men and women process this stuff very differently. A lack of understanding in that regard could jeopardize her relationship with her husband. It would help for your sister to get some professional assistance.

It''s difficult because there really hasn''t been much time. I understand your frustrations because it seems as though your Mom, or sisters, hadn''t shown any empathy for sympathy for you when you miscarried and that just doesn''t seem fair. Right now though, your sister seems to need your support and understanding because she is devastated by her loss.

I''m a real crazy person so I would have a Mother''s Day but it would be around a fire in a backyard where we partook in some ritual wherein we wrote out all our feelings about it on a piece of paper and then tossed it in the fire as history and then moved forward in love and trust in the universe. But as I said...I can be perceived as a little...um...different.

I hope the situation gets better because it is clear that it is very distressing for you. I am sending you love and support.

 

[VRBeauty]

Hi HG95: I don''t have anything to offer re your sister and mother. It does sound like a terrible and potentially alienating situation, but I''d agree that one month really isn''t that long under the circumstances. If therepy is in order, I suspect that your sister would be more receptive to the suggestion if it came from a medical professional... her obgyn or a nurse, perhaps. Maybe that''s something your BIL could bring up with her doctor? Anyhow, I hope things improve soon for everyone''s sake.

I''m so sorry to hear about your personal losses. I couldn''t even begin to fathom the feelings that would accompany four miscarriages, when you want so badly to have a baby. I hope you''re being gentle to yourself through all this... taking time to acknowlege the memories and feelings that your sister''s loss brings up in you, and the natural feelings that come up around your mother''s reaction to each of your losses. Please take care of yourself.

*** hugs! ***

 

[diamondfan]

She suffered something terrible, but needs to be helped to see that all she is doing now is making things worse. I cannot imagine her suffering but pushing away the rest of her family and her hubby is going to be a mistake.

It sounds like they are just too enmeshed to see the bigger picture. I think, with your other sister''s help, and her hubby and your dad, if he is alive and around, you might need to sort of have a tough love intervention, not as harsh as for someone on drugs or anything, but still, a dose of reality. Losing her marriage and family will not be a good thing to have happen down the line. She needs support of course and we all grieve differently but this is starting to be very unhealthy.

I am sorry, and sorry that in your time of need they could not be supportive and that you are being made into a bad guy now.

 

[Kaleigh]

I am so sorry for your losses, 4 miscarriages is so hard. My SIL had 4 too, but went on to carry 2 healthy babies, so wanted to give you hope.

As for your sister, there is no set timeline for the grieving process. It really hasn't been long since she lost her baby. Men handle these things different than women. Men just want to fix it, but he can't, can he? So he's doing what he thinks is best by putting one foot in front of the other, and moving on.

I think a meeting with you, your Mom and both sisters is in order. Just to say, we love you and want our family back. Not confrontational, just something that is loving. Even if it turns out to be a cry fest, that's cool. Just get the emotions out. Say I miss you guys!! What ever you say, make it from the heart. Hopefully they will see, other's need them too. Your Mom especially. I think your sister has a lot of grieving left to do. Grief counseling would be an enourmous help, hoping as time goes on she will be more receptive to that. But gotta say, it's hard being in her shoes, as it's hard being in your's I wish you all the best going foward. HUGS!!!

 

[hairgirl95]

Hello all--

OKAY, let me clarify one thing here. I am not putting my sisters grief on a timeline. At all. I have no expectations as to where she should be emotionally right now. I get that its only been 6 weeks. Trust me, I live it everyday. Watching her grieve brings up the painful memories of my own losses. So please, don't assume that I expect her to be okay, over this, emotionally healed, mary sunshine, or anything like that. I know she will never be okay, and she will never forget. None of us will. HOWEVER, as I said in my original post, I fear that as time is passing on, the situation is not healing, but in fact getting worse. That is the heart of the concern from my end. And, I am trying to find a way to help ALL parties involved in this process. I am not looking for the speedy and fast recovery here--just a way to make each day a little simpler and more manageable. In a perfect world I would snap my fingers and all would be right in the world. But that is not an option. These are waters that noone wants to navigate, and while I appreciate ALL the wonderful advice I have received, I don't want anyone to think that I am trying to force the healing issue on anyone. Just trying to make it more productive and positive, rather than spinning the wheels and getting stuck, so to speak, in the depression part of the grief.

Firegoddess--unfortuately, yes, it would be alienating to have a baby right now. My mom has said as much. The comments were already made by her that she hoped I wasn't planning a baby immediately because it would be too difficult for my sister to handle. Yes, its sad. I don't think there is a "schedule" or "timeline" for grief here, its more a matter of a slow healing process and learning to cope. Maybe you misunderstood my post--I am not thinking the time she is grieving is excessive, its more of the process--she gets worse and more depressed as time goes on. So yes, I have the right to be concerned here--there are many red flags that tell me she needs help. Hence why I posted looking for some advice. Noone is forcing her to seek help. Some suggestions have been thrown out there to find some help, and I hope she takes the advice.

Snowflake--thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry for your losses as well. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

diamondseeker--Your story just broke my heart for that poor woman. I cannot imagine grieving the loss of a child and having to say goodbye to your spouse so soon after that loss. My heart goes out to her. Thank you for your advice--waiting to conceive is probably the most responsible decision.

miraclesrule--you and I are on the same page girlfriend! I like your fire idea--very cathartic! Your kinds words are very sweet. Thank you!

minims--thank you sweetie for your wonderful words! I appreciate your kindness.

ETA--kayleigh and diamondfan--I was replying as you were posting!! Thank you both as well--you both always give great advice and have been a positive part of my posting here on PS, no matter what the topic is. Thanks to you both as well!!

 

[princesss]

I can''t think of a single helpful thing to say, but I want you to know that your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Kaleigh]

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[diamondfan]

I do not think Hairgirl is trying to time the grieving process or judge how hard it is on her sister. What I am sensing is that there is a total disconnect with her sister and mom and the rest of the family. They are closing the circle and finding reasons to shut out others.

Her husband lost his baby too. It is totally different for a mom who has carried that baby inside her, but nonetheless he is suffering too. He is coping in a way that works for him, but I think they need each other and might need a bit of help bridging the gap, not widening it. Tragedies like this can often be compound and some marriages really struggle through.

I do not think this is something one "gets over". You see a child the same age and sex as the precious lost baby and I am sure you think of your loss. I cannot imagine it, it is a parent''s worse nightmare, at any age or time. I would not want to be told I could not feel my feelings, but from what she is saying, it is more irrational stuff. The grandchildren, the children of the other sister, they should not be neglected by their grandmother. And, Hairgirl is in a lose lose situation, as she calls and tries to reach out but is ignored, and then is told she is not trying. Things are being skewed too much for anyone to really accomplish much. She will miss her baby all her life. No matter how many other babies she has. And that is okay. But in the immediate time, allowing those who love her to help her, not shutting them out, and trying to heal with love and support, is likely the most important thing. I have seen couples drift so far in grief that once they start to heal more they cannot come together again.

 

[hairgirl95]

Bravo Diamondfan!!! I could not have said it better myself. You summed up my thoughts and feelings to a T. Thank you sweetie.

 

[diamondfan]

You are welcome. I just was hoping no one thought anything other than that since I could totally tell where you are coming from and can empathize with your feelings. It must be so frustrating, like standing outside looking in and trying to get through. I am sure she is just so in her own sadness and is struggling so that she cannot see how maladaptive this will likely be in the future.

If you can get face time and approach her gently so she does not feel ganged up on, maybe she will see you all love her and want to help her. Or get your mom alone and you and your sis appeal to her mom feelings, about how the insular method is really not going to yield the best results later. Going further into this spiral just does not seem to be the best way to cope, though right now, it is for her. But until you can reach her, you and her hubby and your other sister, it just may be the way things are. I really feel for you, because you are just not getting credit. And it does hurt when you look back on the past and how dismissive they were to you when you were needing support.

 

[swingirl]

I don''t think one month is too little or too long to grieve. Your mother and sister are grieving in a natural way that suits them best. I don''t think a counselor will try to hurry them up. For your sister it''s a hormonal thing as well. Men don''t have the wacky hormones and don''t have the same connection with the labor and pregnancy so of course they are going to get through their grieving quicker. It seems like everyone just needs time.

I guess what is hard for you is realizing how little support and understanding you got from your mother and sister. It''s not fair.

So the only thing you can do is to let them grieve and figure it out for themselves. There is nothing else for you to do. Their feelings are pretty normal. Some people do better by shutting everyone else around them out. Sounds like your mother and sister are like that.

Sorry for your situation.