Should adult children support their parents in old age?

[Gypsy]

I don't think there is a 'should'... but that said, I know in my family it's expected. Which is, as harsh as it sounds, why I started disabusing my mother of the notion years ago. My grandmother is a very entitled woman and she expects her children to support her without question and uses every emotional weapon in her arsenal to ensure it. I don't plan on having my mother following in her footsteps and emotionally blackmailing me for the rest of my life-- and god knows she's got both the personality and the ability to even surpass my grandmother. As you can guess, my mother (and her mother before her) is toxic.

My parents didn't pay for grad school, they didn't pay for my wedding, and they won't be paying for any part of any property we buy. Even if they offered (and they have in some instances) I'd turn it down because of the strings attached. Not worth it. So not worth it.

But even with ALL of that said. My mother is ill already and already needs special care that my stepdad provides. And though they are definitely saving for retirement very responsibly, I can see my mom needing more than what they have saved, or needing special care if something happened to my step dad.

If it came to a choice between having her/them live with us or paying for care... I'd hand over my entire paycheck. I get hives just thinking about the alternative.

 

[Jennifer W]

Gypsy, not everyone is physically or emotionally equipped to be a carer. It's one of the hardest things in the world, and while I admire the resilience and dedication of those who do it, I know I am not someone who could care for another person well enough to make either of our lives good. I'd care for my husband or child, because these were implicit responsibilities I willingly accepted when I married and had a child. I can't look after a parent or other relative either, and I think that you're wise to recognise it.

More generally, I think sometimes the best thing to do is admit to what you can't do. I've worked in various health and social care organisations over the years. Often, I've seen tense family situations 'put aside' to care for someone at crisis point, or other significant life stage (often a hospital discharge). Works great at first, then things start to deteriorate if the underlying problems haven't been addressed. I've seen first hand what it takes to look after another person, and I've also seen what can happen when people even with the best will in the world can't cope with the situation. Neglect, even abuse and often a great deal of guilt and unhappiness in situations that escalate out of control. Caring with resentment and anger in your heart is a recipe for disaster, for you and the person you care for. I'd much, much rather be cared for by professional carers than a family member who wished they didn't have to do it.

 

[yennyfire]

I'm assuming you're referring to financial support, but I sincerely think it goes so far beyond that.

I don't think it's an expectation as much as it is part of the deal. You're born, your parents (presumably) feed you, wipe your a$$, keep a roof over your head, foster and mentor you, etc, etc, for 18 years. The least I can do in return is provide as much support (financial, social and emotional) as possible as my parents begin to age.

At the age of 27, I've already found myself caring for and supporting for one of my parents in a way I didn't think I'd be doing for many more years. I am happy to do it, it gives me joy. I honestly feel we have a responsibility to our parents to ensure their care and safety through the end of their lives.

This, 1000%...I'm not financially caring for my parents at this time, but if I need to, I will. My Dad has had two kidney transplants in the past 12 years and has had quite a number of complication in between, so I've spent many days in the hospital with him and my Mom. I was happy that I could be there for them.

 

[partgypsy]

I also would need to clarify what "support" means, financial, having the parent move in, literally taking care of the parent in an assisted ADL way. The last I couldn't do (I work full time and am primary breadwinner for family). I don't mind my parents moving in but as I live in a different part of the country don't think they would.
I think everyone's situation is pretty individual.
(This is the TMI part) My parents during their lives climbed their way from poor working class income to upper middle class income. However they went through big financial downturns with the last recession. (my Dad lost his businesses and home, my mother lost huge amounts of equity in her house). My father moved in with my brother. It's tight, They are fine. My Dad is emotionally, physically well, keeps busy with part time work and also travels. He has seen it all in his lifetime and is philosophical about the ups and down of life.
My mother is a different story. She is still living in her (large suburban) house which she received from the divorce. She refuses to do what is necessary to sell it, but at the same time can't afford to live there. She hasn't been able to afford the property taxes and general upkeep for many years. Instead of selling the house during the housing boom, she took out a heloc, which I have learned she is using for living expenses.
The sticky thing is that my sister (who works and can move out) and my brother (who is an alcoholic and doesn't work) lives with her. My mother has a codependent relationship with my brother, which really prevents me from helping my mother they way I and my sister want. If I give her monetary assistance, I then find out how it went to my brother (she used the gift card I gave her for Christmas to buy him stuff, same thing for the money I sent to pay for Thanksgiving dinner). So I buy her physical things (this year my sister and I chipped in to buy her a new mattress, and my sister got her a new stove). My sister keeps trying to help fix up and maintain the house and pays some of the bills to both help out and so Mom can eventually sell the house, but my brother will then undo her work in rather "dramatic" fashion. In his mind he sees it in his self-interest to both not have my mother sell her house, and to drive my sister out of the house. He doesn't seem to understand or care, that unless something changes, my mother will lose her house and they will ALL have no place to live.
What I would like to do is help her get her house in financial, physical order she she can sell it, downsize, and possibly have money left over for living expenses, but it's looking increasing remote. She will not kick him out. She says stuff like "I would rather die than have something happen to (my brother)". She has basically dropped all relationships outside the family, and will not let people go into her home because she is embarrassed. I and other family members have encouraged her to talk to a professional about this, but she refuses. As you can understand it is a very touchy topic and brings up a lot of emotions in me.

I have had a heart to heart with my husband and have let my mom know, in a worst case scenario, she can move in with us. But as she has insinuated I also need to provide housing for my brother as well (which I refuse to do) she has not accepted or acknowledged my offer.

 

[soocool]

I am in this boat right now. For reasons I don't care to get into right now, DH and I are estranged from DH's family. So in that respect we offer them nothing.

Now in regards to my family, my dad is in his 80s and before my mom passed away they had a lawyer draw up papers in regard to their estate, end of life wishes, and caretaking issues. They wanted to make sure while they were still lucid to make their own decisions regarding their care and not place the burden on their children to make those decisions. This does not mean that my sister and I are not there to pitch in and take care of my dad when needed. It was just a reassurance from my mom and dad that we are still loved even if we can't be there for them.

Dad has a living will. When mom died he sold the house and moved into an assisted living facility. He has made lots of friends there. We visit him regularly and he comes to our homes as well. Dad had a pulmonary embolism a few months ago, had surgery, went into rehab until he regained his strength, is staying with my sister until next week, and then going back to assisted living. He said he is bored and wants to se his friends. This is the life he wants even though I would have my dad come to live with me in a heartbeat. Mom and dad have given us 2 girls more than we could have ever imagined so of course I would be there and support my dad in any way I could,even though I know my dad would not accept this from either my sister or me.

 

[iLander]

More generally, I think sometimes the best thing to do is admit to what you can't do. I've worked in various health and social care organisations over the years. Often, I've seen tense family situations 'put aside' to care for someone at crisis point, or other significant life stage (often a hospital discharge). Works great at first, then things start to deteriorate if the underlying problems haven't been addressed. I've seen first hand what it takes to look after another person, and I've also seen what can happen when people even with the best will in the world can't cope with the situation. Neglect, even abuse and often a great deal of guilt and unhappiness in situations that escalate out of control. Caring with resentment and anger in your heart is a recipe for disaster, for you and the person you care for. I'd much, much rather be cared for by professional carers than a family member who wished they didn't have to do it.

I agree with this 100%. My grandmother spit out so much vile, nasty, meaness that my uncle and his wife broke up their 12 year marriage. They should have admitted they couldn't do it and put her in a home.

I think admitting you can't do it counts as Courage. Finding an excellent facility also counts as Caring.

I think a lot of these older parents need to realize that "As you sow, so shall you reap".

 

[yennyfire]

Very good point iLander. And part gypsy, I'm with you that I'd need to clarify what support means...

 

[marymm]

My father developed early on-set Alzheimer's and my parents moved in with my husband and I for the last 4 years of my dad's life. We didn't know at the time they moved in it would be 4 years or that it would end with my father dying... It was a very difficult time for all of us, although there were many occasions of joy too. I would not have done anything differently; but I was extremely close to my father and really would have done anything necessary to ensure his comfort and happiness. But the experience took a very heavy toll on my personally and on my marriage; afterwards, I explicitly told my mother I could not go through that again and I would not be able to offer that kind of support to her should the time ever come. I felt bad because I know in my heart she would prefer to rely on me, but having done it once I am not willing to do it again. In my case, I was able to make this decision knowing there are other siblings who could step up if need be (though they didn't before).

Similarly DH moved in with his father for his dad's last 6 months of life - it was better that his dad stay in his familiar setting. His brother lives with his mom, but already DH is worried he will have to take care of his mom when the time comes. This will be a difficult situation should it arise as I will not live with his mother, and also I cannot understand why the brother who lives with the mom (supposedly so the mom has someone there to help out) will not be the one to take care of the mom. The mom has always favored the brother and the sister, yet expected the most from DH. I am praying this issue does not arise, but if it does, the mom does have excellent medical and care insurance and she had put her own mom into a home, so DH has conceded this could be a solution for us.

 

[elrohwen]

I don't think children have an obligation - it depends on circumstances.

I will admit that I have mixed feelings about this subject related to my MIL. She isn't suffering for money at the moment, but she has been out of work for a while and I worry that she won't have much for retirement. DH already spends a lot of our money doing things for her (when they're together he pays for meals, he paid for plane tickets to visit SIL, etc). MIL doesn't want DH to spend his money on her, but he feels that he has to take care of her since his dad is gone. I don't want to feel this way, but I admit I feel resentful sometimes. DH and I are cheap and I know he would complain about spending all of this money on us, but when he comes to his mom he's happy to spend an unnecessary $100 on her plane ticket so that she could take the same connecting flight as him (they left from different airports). I wanted to say that he was already buying her plane ticket, so she could just suck it up and take the different connecting flight for $100 less, but I didn't say anything. I know it's important to him to feel like he's taking care of her.

I worry that later in life we will end up spending a lot of money to support her, even if she technically doesn't need it or want it, and I will become resentful of it.

Luckily my parents won't need care because their retirement funds are doing well. My mom has often told me to put her in a home when she gets old and crazy. My grandmother demanded that my mom care for her and when my mom wouldn't (it involved moving to a different city to care for a woman who had never been kind to her) they didn't speak for 20 years. My mom doesn't want me to ever feel resentful of her and I really appreciate that.

 

[allycat0303]

Oh Lord this is going to sound bad.

I can't live in the same house with my mother again.
I can't live in the same house with my MIL.
I can live with my Dad, no problem.

I would be willing to work 3 jobs if necessary in order to avoid these two indivduals 24 hours a day. My mom tries to control everything I do from the way I SIT at the table, to how I fold my clothes. My MIL is passive agressive and wants to mold me into her idea of a perfect wife.

If support means financial, there is no limit to the amount of money I'm ready to give. If it means living with them...I can't do that. Strangely, enough, my father, who was recently quite ill, insisted that if the time came, he wanted us to place him in a nursing home so we could continue with our own lives. His only worry was that he wanted to be able to afford a nice nursing home. My father is the only one that my Brother, Sister and I would likely do physical battle with to live with because he's so easygoing pleasant!

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Well, my parents are dead so there is not issue there. However, if they were alive I would in all honesty have to say I wouldn't pee onthem if they were on fire...

My MIL is widowed and lives three blocks over from us....she owns her home free and clear and is very comfortable. We "take care" of her in that we do the driving, shopping, simple maintenance...but we all agree she won't be living with us, or for that matter she has said time and again she doesn't want to live with ANY of her children and fortunately is in the position that when the time comes when she needs to have someone else with her she will go to an assisted facility. She's 80 and gets around by herself really well for her age but she is more comfortable with someone else {usually me or my husband} driving her. We will be continuing to take her places once she moves into the facility--we're not going to put her on ignore!