Should he ask your father first?

[squeaksluv]

Last night my friends and I were out having a few drinks and somehow we got on this subject (guess who has engagement on the brain?!

). My one friend said her hubby didn''t ask her dad first and to this day (they''ve been married for two years) she''s still pretty upset about it although she never told him so. Another friend said if her bf didn''t ask her dad first she would be furious and wouldn''t want the ring (a few of us looked at each other and thought "there is NO way she''d turn a proposal and ring down!!") while my other friend got all huffy and said this is the 20th century and that tradition should be put to rest. I was surprised how heated the discussion got with two friends of mine saying the tradition is too old fashion and the other three saying it''s the right thing to do. I have a feeling though that my one friend against it was playing devils advocate (she LOVES to do stuff like that) while the other is just plain against anything traditional.

So what do you ladies think?

 

[anchor31]

I don''t consider that I need permission from my parents to get engaged and married, but I''m also very traditional and close to my family, so I asked my SO what he thought about asking for their blessing. He came up with a plan to propose to me first, and then invite our families to dinner, ask for my parents'' blessing and propose to me again. I thinks it''s a wonderful idea.

I guess it depends on the relationtionship the woman has with her family. As I love mine dearly and am very close to them, not to mention that my parents are helping me through college, I thought that it would be more respectful to them if he asked for their blessing. In general, if the woman has a good relationship with her parents, I think it''s a sweet and considerate thing to do.

But that may be just me. I''m a traditional sap.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I like my family and am quite close to all of them. I asked permission to live with my boyfriend, since they help me with rent. I also talked with them about the engagement and made sure they knew what was up and that we were going to get engaged.

My dad kept saying he wanted ari to ask him first, half joking and half bitching. Now, I love my dad, but personally I would be really upset if he did. Aside from the fact that mom and my "benefactors" who put me thorugh school have primarily raised and supported me, the concept just pisses me off. Too many femininst classes in college?

If he wanted to ask anyone, he could ask my MOTHER. However, she would bop him over the head, say he knows we all like him, and that he should really be asking me, not assuming that he needs her permission. On the other hand, if they hadn''t known him since he was fourteen, things might be differant.

 

[rainbowtrout]

BTW, I realize I''m a tad radical in all this...I also don''t plan to have anyone walk me down the aisle. Why doesn''t anyone walk HIM down the aisle? Oh, because it''s not a property transfer (*growl*). OTOH, to be fair, if my parents weren''t divorced I would probably let dad do it. I would even be happy to have BOTH of my parents do it, except for the fact that my dad''s stupid cult religion won''t let him talk to or be in proximity to my mother.

 

[XChick03]

My father and I don''t have the best relationship, but I have an awesome step-father and my mom told me that he wants my BF to tell him he plans on proposing. Mom even told me that he plans to ask a hundred questions about how much he loves and why he wants to marry me. I think its really sweet that he wants give my BF his blessing and my boyfriend was planning on asking him anyway.

 

[XChick03]

I forgot to add that like anchor, we also plan on having on post-engagement dinner with both of our families to tell them about our engagement. Partially because we want to include them in it and also because our parents haven''t met yet. Pretty bad we''ve been dating nearly a year and are almost engaged and our parents haven''t met. Especially since they live just 10 minutes apart.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I come from a very traditional family and my ex-fiance didn't ask for my parents' blessing before proposing. They said it broke their hearts. I love my family very much and it broke my heart to hear that, so when the thought of getting engaged came up again, I made sure I had a talk with my current fiance. I told him that it was up to him whether he would ask for their blessing, but it is really important to them. He ended up asking them and even though it was super stressful to him at the time (he thought they were going to say no!), everyone was very glad that he had made that decision.

ETA: In my opinion, if the boyfriend asks the parents for their blessing first, it shows them how much respect he has for them, which is always huge brownie points with anyone's parents!

 

[squeaksluv]

I''m very close to my family and would probably be very surprised if my bf didn''t talk to them first. I would like to think he''d ask both my parents. It''s not even that he has to ask as much as tell them he''d like to propose to me. I know my family would love it since they love him so of course they''d be thrilled. My bf is very close to my family as well, even hanging out with them when I wasn''t around. So I think that he will ask...I hope he does anyway. I just hope he plans on asking soon!

 

[MissAva]

Date: 2/4/2006 9:38:32 AM
Author: rainbowtrout
BTW, I realize I''m a tad radical in all this...I also don''t plan to have anyone walk me down the aisle. Why doesn''t anyone walk HIM down the aisle? Oh, because it''s not a property transfer (*growl*). OTOH, to be fair, if my parents weren''t divorced I would probably let dad do it. I would even be happy to have BOTH of my parents do it, except for the fact that my dad''s stupid cult religion won''t let him talk to or be in proximity to my mother.

In the weddings I have been to when the groom did not start out at the end he was escorted down by both of his parents and lead them to where they sat in the front. It is tradtion for the bride to be given to the groom a transfer of protectors. I like the idea of it even if it not true for day to day life. But then I am the sort who will wait for my door to be opened and let him carry the heavy things in from the car.

 

[MissAva]

Oh and yes he did ask Daddy for his blessing, he knew that I would not answer without my family''s blessing. Because I believe your family loves you and if they hesitate to give their blessing they may have a reason why. My father told him yes and a little over a month later we were engaged!

 

[rainbowtrout]

Date: 2/4/2006 1:53:00 PM
Author: Matatora
Oh and yes he did ask Daddy for his blessing, he knew that I would not answer without my family''s blessing. Because I believe your family loves you and if they hesitate to give their blessing they may have a reason why. My father told him yes and a little over a month later we were engaged!

I''m actually on board with knowing whether or not they object; it''s the asking of the father that I object to in my own opinion, although other people doing it is fine...asking the parents together, ok. Doesn''t work in my case so much though.

I did make sure all parties were happy about the idea and thought our getting engaged was good.

 

[littlelysser]

Wow. I've been pretty surprised by the answers here. My FI did not ask for permission, and I don't think my parents expected him to and I know that I didn't expect him to ask. I'm very close to both of my parents but at this point we are more friends than a parent child relationship. We also knew that they would approve because they have loved my FI since the first day they met him, . In fact, my parents are in town visiting for the weekend and I just asked if they were upset that my FI didn't ask them, and it was a resounding NO.

Of course, I'm 31, I'm established in my career and my now FI and I owned a house together and we had been together for over four years when he proposed...

Edited because sometimes my fingers and my brain don't agree...

 

[E B]

Not unless you''re from a traditional family. My fiance isn''t, I''m not, and my family isn''t...so there was no asking. Just surprise and happiness! His parents didn''t know before the fact either!

 

[Demelza]

My feeling is, whatever floats your boat, but if my husband had asked my father''s permission, I would have been completely shocked and very angry. I suspect my father would have felt similarly ("why the hell are you asking me?" he might have said). Besides the fact that the tradition is rooted in patriarchal law, we are 2 adults, this is our relationship, and I think it only makes sense that he ask ME, not my parents. They were the first to know once he popped the question, but if he had asked them first, I would have bonked him over the head. My dad did walk me down the aisle, but that was MY choice, not something that was imposed on me.

 

[flutterby]

I knew I was getting engaged, I designed the ring! My family knew I was getting engaged, because I kept them up to date with all the details. My family loves my FI and I knew they were thrilled with the idea of our marraige. However, I am close to my dad, and although I didnt need his permission. I love the fact that my FI called my dad (who lives in another state) and asked for his blessing. It wasnt permission, and he knew what the response would be, but it showed me that he really wanted to do things ''right''. Would I have taken the ring without that call, HELL YEAH! But I do think it was sweet that he did it. Does that make this womens studies major traditional? maybe......

 

[firebirdgold]

I''m 33 and I do not need my parents permission, in fact it feels a bit silly. However, I think my father would love it if my bf talked to him first and asked for his blessing (not permission). Mind you, if my bf looked like he was ''getting away'' my parents may just bop him over the head and drag him to the altar! They adore him. So it''s not like I''m worried they''ll say no or grill him! I also think that my bf is at least considering asking my father, who can be a bit imtimidating. And you never do know what they''ll say, I shudder to think if my mother got involved!

So all in all, I think it would be a nice gesture but not required. (It d@$% well better not hold the proposal up!!)

 

[ame]

My husband asked both my dad and my brother. I didn't mind either way if he did but I thought it was cool that he did both. He wanted to ask my grandpa but didn't want to freak him out Frankly I think my brother and dad were surprised and "freaked out" haha. None of my friend's husbands asked, and I found out that my dad never asked my grandpa either. Very strange that my dad never did...very. But then again they are still married over 30 years later.

 

[Mara]

Greg didn't ask my parents. For me it's an old tradition that seems to really only work mentally if you are a young'un looking for that family validation...but I was almost 30 and really didn't need anyone's approval to know I wanted to marry him. I know they would have said yes if he asked because they love him, and I am very close to my family, but he isnt the type to go through life looking for permission to follow his heart, and neither am I so it worked out well for us two in the end.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 2/5/2006 3:26:11 PM
Author: Mara
Greg didn''t ask my parents. For me it''s an old tradition that seems to really only work mentally if you are a young''un looking for that family validation...but I was almost 30 and really didn''t need anyone''s approval to know I wanted to marry him. I know they would have said yes if he asked because they love him, but he isnt the type to go through life looking for permission to follow his heart, and neither am I so it worked out well.

Same here. I was 38 when we became engaged, and it seems a bit outlandish at that point to be asking for permission or validation.

I knew my parents loved him already, so that wasn''t an issue to me.

 

[Scintillating]

Date: 2/4/2006 1:50:44 PM
Author: Matatora

Date: 2/4/2006 9:38:32 AM

Author: rainbowtrout

BTW, I realize I'm a tad radical in all this...I also don't plan to have anyone walk me down the aisle. Why doesn't anyone walk HIM down the aisle? Oh, because it's not a property transfer (*growl*). OTOH, to be fair, if my parents weren't divorced I would probably let dad do it. I would even be happy to have BOTH of my parents do it, except for the fact that my dad's stupid cult religion won't let him talk to or be in proximity to my mother.

In the weddings I have been to when the groom did not start out at the end he was escorted down by both of his parents and lead them to where they sat in the front. It is tradtion for the bride to be given to the groom a transfer of protectors. I like the idea of it even if it not true for day to day life. But then I am the sort who will wait for my door to be opened and let him carry the heavy things in from the car.

Actually, it's supposed to represent moving from one stage of your life, with your parents and family, into the next stage, with your new husband.

I too am a little surprised by how many young ladies still want to continue the tradition of asking the father or parents. But like Demelza said, whatever floats your boat. There is no right way!

My FI did not ask my parents permission. (but after 7 years, it wasn't a surprise to anyone.)
I wouldn't have liked it if he did ask for their "permission" or "blessing" so to speak.
It really doesn't have anything to do with them.
That being said, I wouldn't be committing myself to someone my family didn't like - or who didn't like my family.

Oh, I'm 26 and he's 26 - and we live in the Boston area.

Scintillating...

 

[rainbowtrout]

Date: 2/5/2006 5:42:20 PM
Author: Scintillating

Date: 2/4/2006 1:50:44 PM

Author: Matatora

Date: 2/4/2006 9:38:32 AM


Author: rainbowtrout


BTW, I realize I''m a tad radical in all this...I also don''t plan to have anyone walk me down the aisle. Why doesn''t anyone walk HIM down the aisle? Oh, because it''s not a property transfer (*growl*). OTOH, to be fair, if my parents weren''t divorced I would probably let dad do it. I would even be happy to have BOTH of my parents do it, except for the fact that my dad''s stupid cult religion won''t let him talk to or be in proximity to my mother.

In the weddings I have been to when the groom did not start out at the end he was escorted down by both of his parents and lead them to where they sat in the front. It is tradtion for the bride to be given to the groom a transfer of protectors. I like the idea of it even if it not true for day to day life. But then I am the sort who will wait for my door to be opened and let him carry the heavy things in from the car.

Actually, it''s supposed to represent moving from one stage of your life, with your parents and family, into the next stage, with your new husband.


I too am a little surprised by how many young ladies still want to continue the tradition of asking the father or parents. But like Demelza said, whatever floats your boat. There is no right way!


My FI did not ask my parents permission. (but after 7 years, it wasn''t a surprise to anyone.)

I wouldn''t have liked it if he did ask for their ''permission'' or ''blessing'' so to speak.

It really doesn''t have anything to do with them.

That being said, I wouldn''t be committing myself to someone my family didn''t like - or who didn''t like my family.


Oh, I''m 26 and he''s 26 - and we live in the Boston area.


Scintillating...

Actually, you can interpret the tradition in more or less cynical ways. I do believe that while it may now be *supposed* to represent the brides transfer from her own family to a new one with her husband, this is not the root of the tradition, which in one form or another appears in many cultures.

The bride was transferring from her father''s patrilineal line to her husband''s family''s one--i.e., going from one male''s household to another. Her honor and sexual virtue are no longer the father''s job to protect. She is assimilated into her husband''s family. You can see this in that, until recently, the bride and groom did NOT move into their own home, they lived with his parents.

The concept of marriage as being about love is also quite recent. The father''s blessing was sought in order to conclude a finanical contract between two families which was sealed with the body of the daughter being given in mariage. Alliances could be sealed this way, etc. regardless, the feminine body DID function as an effective symbol of a "business" deal and property transfer. In ther modern wedding ceremony where the bride is escorted down the aisle by her father and "given" away, I see echos of what I chose to call "property transfer" symbolized by the feminine body.

On the other hand, it CAN be a lovely tradition, if one I personally do not choose to follow. There are ways in which I am comfortable with it, and all of them include the groom being ''given'' by his family as well as the bride, as someone mentioned above.

I also have misgivings about wearing white and a veil in the ceremony, given as I am annoyed by the virginal symbolism...the groom is not presumed to be sexually pure, and I see this as a straight holdover from female sexual purity being tied to male honor and the authenticity of any children produced from the marriage.

However, I look good in white and am not as fanatical as I may occasionally sound when I rant

 

[XChick03]

From what I can understand a lot of you didn''t or don''t like the idea just because you feel like you don''t need their permission to get married, but for me, its not about "permission." My family and I are very close and my mom is also my best friend and I''ve told all about my ring and our upcoming engagement. Though, we are very close, we aren''t exactly traditional. However, I think asking for their blessing is very respectful and very sweet. I don''t think its something that has to be done, but I think its a nice thing to do. Its true that we''re adults and capable of makiing our own decisions, but our parents have been there through every step of our lives and I think they should also be included in the most important decision I''ll ever make. And I know it would mean a lot to them.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Hmmmm....yes and no, XChick. It''s not so much about their permission as the fact that the man is asking the woman''s parents as opposed to both sets being formally asked, etc. Now this is partly bc men are the ones who propose...

My post right above this wasn''t about the blessing as much as the walking down the aisle bit...the blessing I think works for some families and not for others. Our family actually sort of randomly sat me down last year and quizzed me about why and how I wanted to spend my life with him. we talked about it and *I* got their blessing and "permission", not him. He also talked to his family. So maybe it is semantics, as these things are, but I liked the way we did it.

OTOH, one of my deep south alabama girlfriends had her boyfriend ask her parents together and I cannot imagine it working any other way for her, they are just that kind of traditional, two-parent family. it was very nice for them.

 

[XChick03]

I understand what you''re saying and I was really replying to a lot of different posts, not just yours. And actually, my mom and I already talked about why I want to marry him and all of that. Now my BF is basically just asking my stepfather (and mom) to make him feel included in the process also and just to let him know that his opinion matters to me. My boyfriend also plans on telling his family the same day.

I''m not really for or against getting a "blessing" or not, I think its just a different situation for us. My stepfather hasn''t been in my life very long and since I don''t have the best father in the world, he has really tried to be involved in my life and I really appreciate everything he''s done. I know it would really mean a lot to him if my BF went to him and asked, even though he''s not really my father. So, its more of a sentimental thing for us.

 

[Mara]

Regardless of what the tradition has turned into today, it used to be permission to marry because the father had the right to say NO. Now IMO it''s more of a basic crowd pleaser and people like the idea. Maybe it should no longer be referred to as permission but rather notification, aka I plan to marry your daughter, just an FYI and I hope you like it.

But then some wouldn''t like that either and I guess some would want the guy to really ASK the father. In reality, everyone floats their own boat and that''s it. I find the whole thing old-fashioned (just like living together before marriage and many other old to do or not to dos) but some people would not have it any other way.

 

[allycat0303]

Well in my culture, the two set of parents get together and discuss the impending engagement, so my boyfriend had to ask my parents. It was very sweet though, he also asked/warned all the people that are the very most important in my life. He asked both of my parents together, and then my grandmother, my aunt, my cousin, and my sister.

It was a lovely twist for me, because he was showing me that he understood how much my family meant to me, and was creating his own verision of my/his culture. It wasn''t weird of anything, he also gave my parents a crystal cat when he asked them, so my parents would remember the moment.

To me it''s just a formality, a tradition. But I like traditions. Getting an engagement ring is a tradition, so is the guy getting down on one knee, I don''t read much more into then that. I don''t think of it as getting "permission" because I would have said yes even if my parents were dead set against it. For me anyways, it''s the symbolism of the gesture and nothing more, so I enjoyed it. It''s just all part of the getting engaged process.

 

[E B]

Date: 2/5/2006 6:39:32 PM
Author: rainbowtrout

I also have misgivings about wearing white and a veil in the ceremony, given as I am annoyed by the virginal symbolism...the groom is not presumed to be sexually pure, and I see this as a straight holdover from female sexual purity being tied to male honor and the authenticity of any children produced from the marriage.

However, I look good in white and am not as fanatical as I may occasionally sound when I rant

I agree with you in regards to wearing a veil. I think veils are extremely antiquated and in my opinion, a little creepy. Your face is veiled and your father lifts it up, exposing it to your future husband? Yeah, that's not weird at all!

I will wear an ivory dress because I love the idea of standing out as a bride (who else will be dressed in head to toe white?).

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 2/5/2006 7:07:30 PM
Author: XChick03
From what I can understand a lot of you didn't or don't like the idea just because you feel like you don't need their permission to get married, but for me, its not about 'permission.' My family and I are very close and my mom is also my best friend and I've told all about my ring and our upcoming engagement. Though, we are very close, we aren't exactly traditional. However, I think asking for their blessing is very respectful and very sweet. I don't think its something that has to be done, but I think its a nice thing to do. Its true that we're adults and capable of makiing our own decisions, but our parents have been there through every step of our lives and I think they should also be included in the most important decision I'll ever make. And I know it would mean a lot to them.

I'm extremely close to my family too.....and being so close them, I couldn't imagine not being a part of the announcement to my parents.

Rich asked me to marry him.....and we both announced our engagement to my parents, who were thrilled for us. They knew we were headed that way when we moved in together a year prior, and they considered him a son then.

Of course, inherent in telling them is the hope that they will be happy for us and extend their blessings.....which they did.

But to think that my husband would have asked them first....before asking me....wouldn't have felt quite right to me.

 

[Caribou]

I think asking for permission is a sweet gesture and a very old tradition. My dad isn''t a a huge part of my life so my FI didn''t ask his permission, he also didn''t ask my mom''s. He would have asked her but I don''t need her permission on who I''m going to marry. so I told him that he didn''t have to do that.

 

[XChick03]

Date: 2/6/2006 1:39:08 AM
Author: EBree

Date: 2/5/2006 6:39:32 PM

Author: rainbowtrout


I also have misgivings about wearing white and a veil in the ceremony, given as I am annoyed by the virginal symbolism...the groom is not presumed to be sexually pure, and I see this as a straight holdover from female sexual purity being tied to male honor and the authenticity of any children produced from the marriage.


However, I look good in white and am not as fanatical as I may occasionally sound when I rant

I agree with you in regards to wearing a veil. I think veils are extremely antiquated and in my opinion, a little creepy. Your face is veiled and your father lifts it up, exposing it to your future husband? Yeah, that''s not weird at all!

I will wear an ivory dress because I love the idea of standing out as a bride (who else will be dressed in head to toe white?).

I''m not big on the veil over the face idea either. I also think its kind of creepy. I might end up wearing one, just because they can look really nice depending on your dress, but it definitely won''t be over face during any part of the wedding. Besides, I''d probably end up falling flat on my face because I couldn''t see where I was going.

Also, I still think its weird everyone is referring to it as asking for permission. I guess if I thought of it like that, too, I wouldn''t be doing it either. I mean, my boyfriend and I already live together, and its not like they don''t know we plan on getting married. They love him to death and I know they''d be thrilled, so I don''t need their permission. Its more like just giving them a heads up. You know, "I love your daughter and I plan on asking her to marry her" type thing. To be honest, I didn''t love the idea at first because I didn''t think it was right that somebody else would know I was getting engaged before I did, but since I picked out the ring, I already know. So its not that big of a deal to me anymore.