Should he ask your father first?

[SoonIHope]

I specifically requested that my boyfriend NOT ask my parents. I really just don't like the idea for all the reasons various people have already said above. I also think that my parents would probably think less of my fiance if he had asked them, because the implication would be (to us, obviously not to everyone!) that he didn't respect me enough to think I was able to make my own decision. My fiance and I had been living together for ~ 2 years before we got engaged, and we didn't ask them ahead of time about that either. For the proposal, I did tell them over the phone that we had been discussing it and it would probably happen sometime in the next several months, and then the next time we visited them, all four of us had a little lovefest, giving toasts about our new family and how happy everyone was. I knew already that they loved him, and he's been to all of our family holidays and talks on the phone to them and all sorts of things already, so it wasn't any surprise. That was perfect for us, because since I am very close to my parents, I wanted them to feel involved, but I didn't want it to have any hint of the old "permission" aspects.

ETA: I think the veil over the FACE is creepy, but not over the face is just kind of pretty and a signifier that says "bride!" very clearly. I was not planning on wearing one, but my fiance said he'd always imagined it, so I am thinking I will now. As for walking down the aisle, I dislike the father idea because it is so patriarchal, but I think I might have both my parents walk me. I'm okay with the symbolism of going from one family to another, even though I am very very against the whole "property" concept which is obviously where it came from. But I think my parents would probably like to walk with me...still haven't officially decided on that one though.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 2/6/2006 11:08:32 AM
Author: XChick03


Also, I still think its weird everyone is referring to it as asking for permission..

Me too. I always thought of it as asking for their blessing. In my mind it''s more of a gesture of respect, and a way of reassuring the father that his daughter is marrying a good guy who will treat her well. Fathers can get a bit upset over ''losing'' their little girls. And I think it also reassures the family that the guy respects her attachment to her family. This falls under the "who''s family are you going to for the holidays" worry.

The permission thing never occured to me, partly because my mother married without it! My grandfather tried to stop my parents from seeing each other, and my mother calmly graduated a semester early w/o telling her folks and snuck out one morning with a suitcase and a bus ticket. My parents just celebrated their 42nd wedding anniversary!

 

[nytemist]

My BF never saw it as asking for permission, just that he wanted to sit and talk to my dad and make it clear that he intented to marry me. It''s a really hard topic for us since my BF is mad at himself for wasting time and not doing it before my father passed away last May, so he never got the chance to have that sit-down with him. He certainly wouldn''t sit down with my mom (bad relationship) and the only other immediate family member I''m close to is my oldest sister. He could talk to my favorite uncle, but he lives in Lousiana.

 

[anchor31]

Not so long ago, I didn''t want my boyfriend to ask for my parents blessing at all, didn''t want my dad to walk me down the aisle and didn''t want to wear a veil over my face.

Recently I realized that the asking for the blessing part was not necessarily about asking for permission per say, but about having a discussion between the four of us about our future and reassure my parents. I know it will be hard on both my parents because they''ve always been very protective, so I thought it would be important to have a talk with them.

I''m considering having my dad walk me down the aisle because my parents and I have a very good relationship, they love me and support me in every way they can, and they will keep paying my rent until I have a steady job or I move in with my BF/get married. I thought of having both my parents walking me, but the bride did that to a wedding I went over two years ago, and it looked a bit awkward to me. My father walking me down the aisle would be his way of supporting me through this particular step in my life. I think it would be sweet if my SO walked down the aisle with his mom to sit her, and my brother (who will probably be an usher) could sit my mother.

About the veil, I always thought blushers and multi-layered veils look too much, so I was thinking about a single-layer chapel or cathedral veil. But I discovered drop veils and I really love the way they look. And if I do choose to wear a drop veil, I''ll probably make it myself and I will choose the shearest veiling fabric there is, so there won''t be any creepy hiding from the groom thing happening.

I''m also considering having the bride and groom pictures taken before the ceremony, something I would never have considered before. We could have some time to ourselves (with the photographer) and not feel hurried because we have to be at the reception ASAP.

I think all this is really a matter of personal choices, and I don''t think anyone''s choice is better or creepier than another.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I think what it comes down to is how you and your family view tradition and how you personally make use of it. I like to try and think about what a tradition may at root signify; however this does not mean everyone who practices that tradition, say, "supports the evil patriarchy!" It can be a lovely choice when done with forethought about the meaning of that choice.

For myself, the only danger in tradition is not thinking about its implications before deciding how and if to do it...


Which is all a very fancy way of saying ''whatever floats your boat, as long as you''ve given it a bit of thought''

 

[squeaksluv]

I think permission is a strong word, especially seeing as most of us are mature, responsible, adults who don''t need our parents to permit us to marry or not. However, I would like my parents blessing which I know they would give because they love my bf and he them. I guess I''m a little old fashioned in that way! I think my bf would simply let them know his intentions, not so much as to get permission, but just to let them know first, out of respect and tradition?? I just can''t wait for it to happen!!

 

[XChick03]

Just thought I''d add that my boyfriend talked to my stepfather today. We went to my parents house and I talked to my mother while he talked to my SF. My mom basically just told me to make sure I was positive I want to spend my life with him (since she went through a horrible first marriage) and my stepfather basically told him the same and gave him his blessing. My BF just said "We''ve been talking and I plan on asking her to marry me soon," which I think was appropriate. We still plan on having a post-engagement dinner with both of our parents just to share our happiness with them.

 

[onbendedknee]

The consensus is that I should consider her relationship with her parents before adhereing to this tradition. In her case, she is not at all close to her dad (he wasn''t ever in her life until she was in her early twenties), so she doesn''t even want him to walk her down the aisle. As far as asking her mom, who she is very close to...well, I''ve never met her b/c she''s in Alaska and I''m in DC.

So, should I find a way to get in touch with her mom, introduce myself, and ask for her only daughter''s hand in marriage?

 

[roxy7]

In my case, I think my boyfriend would knows that he has to ask my dad, but only for ONE reason:

At my sister''s wedding last summer, my dad made his obligatory speech. In the speech, he retierated with great detail how thrilled he was when my brother-in-law called him up and asked for my sister''s hand in marriage. My dad related the story of how when he hung up the phone, he and my mother were SOOOO thrilled.

So, basically, I think that if my boyfriend didn''t get that hint and see how happy it made my dad, he must be pretty crazy.

 

[squeaksluv]

Date: 2/8/2006 12:14:31 PM
Author: onbendedknee
The consensus is that I should consider her relationship with her parents before adhereing to this tradition. In her case, she is not at all close to her dad (he wasn''t ever in her life until she was in her early twenties), so she doesn''t even want him to walk her down the aisle. As far as asking her mom, who she is very close to...well, I''ve never met her b/c she''s in Alaska and I''m in DC.

So, should I find a way to get in touch with her mom, introduce myself, and ask for her only daughter''s hand in marriage?

In your case I don''t think it would be entirely necessary seeing as you haven''t even met her mom yet. Maybe if you had a close relationship with her mom you could say something? I don''t think I would expect my bf to ask my mom if I was in the same situation. My thoughts anyway!!! I think as long as you love your girl that''s all that matters!!!!

 

[akw94]

The traditional aspects of a wedding are pretty interesting to me. In some ways, I consider myself a traditionalist. I like it when he opens the door, helps me w/my coat, definitely would want him to propose (although he thinks it''s a great idea for me to..yeah right). On the other hand, I am all about an equal marriage and no traditional roles of the man and/or woman, both participating in all aspects. As for asking permission to marry, I don''t find it necessary. He actually asked me if I would want him to. I like the idea that he asked, but I told him no, it''s not necessary to me. I don''t think my parents would expect it either. My family is very liberal and my dad would probably find it a little odd, although who knows if that''s true or not. I hadn''t thought of not wearing a veil though, but when I think about it, i''m a bit against the idea of it. I would want my dad or both my parents to walk me down the aisle, not sure which or if both. I don''t see it as them giving me away, but participating in the ceremony and moving from one stage of my life to another.
It was interesting to read all the difference of opinion in this post. I wouldn''t have thought so much controversy existed on this subject matter.

 

[LuvThatBling]

Date: 2/10/2006 5:19:24 PM
Author: akw94
The traditional aspects of a wedding are pretty interesting to me. In some ways, I consider myself a traditionalist. I like it when he opens the door, helps me w/my coat, definitely would want him to propose (although he thinks it''s a great idea for me to..yeah right). On the other hand, I am all about an equal marriage and no traditional roles of the man and/or woman, both participating in all aspects. As for asking permission to marry, I don''t find it necessary. He actually asked me if I would want him to. I like the idea that he asked, but I told him no, it''s not necessary to me. I don''t think my parents would expect it either. My family is very liberal and my dad would probably find it a little odd, although who knows if that''s true or not. I hadn''t thought of not wearing a veil though, but when I think about it, i''m a bit against the idea of it. I would want my dad or both my parents to walk me down the aisle, not sure which or if both. I don''t see it as them giving me away, but participating in the ceremony and moving from one stage of my life to another.
It was interesting to read all the difference of opinion in this post. I wouldn''t have thought so much controversy existed on this subject matter.

This sums it up precisely for me. After my DH asked me to marry him many years ago, he asked my father. My father looked at him very oddly and said, "It''s not up to me. Have you asked her yet?" LOL. He had the same reaction to my brother-in-law. In most ways, my family is very traditional & conservative, but not on this one.

So basically, I think if you want your future fiance to ask your father/parents first, you should find a way to tell him so. Because all families are different and some really care about that and some really don''t.