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Should I go through with the wedding?

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I agree with NewEnglandLady.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with these doubts. In the end, all we can do is support you. This decision doesn't have a universal right or wrong answer. It sounds like it ultimately depends on what you are willing to give and what you expect in return and if the person you are with is able to fulfill these expectations.

::Hugs::
 
You have gotten so much good advice. I ultimately think that it would come down to whether or not I was the B-partner because it was something we agreed upon or if it was a role I was forced into. If I was forced in it, I would not marry him. The dealbreaker for me would be the inequitable relationship. I could not be with a man who did not think that my occupation, dreams, endeavors, time, etc. were as valuable as his. Likewise, I am fully aware that I also have to make sacrifices to ensure that FI is able to pursue his occupation and dreams, too. I think equity can happen in any relationship where both partners try and see one another as peers, but it doesn''t come easy and will never come where there isn''t a peer partnership.
 
Don''t know exactly how to comment, but major hugs and support.

It is beyond difficult to walk away from an engagement and a long relationship, especially when you were once so secure in your decision.

There''s a difference between truly feeling suffocated and forced to give up your goals and dreams and feeling unhappy... and thinking that, possibly in the future, you may feel that way. ...I''m not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me
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If it''s any consolation, there are days when I''m really unhappy or sad or even unfulfilled with my relationship. And i think, "We''re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase!!" But then they pass, and my love for FI trumps any ''negatives''... and I know, in my heart, that I would take 500 ''rough days'' to have thousands and thousands of regular, happy, love-filled days.

Are you in love with your FI? There''s a definite difference between loving someone and being IN love.

Also- I think it is 100% normal to have doubts. Serious doubts, even. But I think you''ll know, if you really look in your heart, how you truly feel.

Much love to you!
 
I can't write much at the moment because I just have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head that I am trying my best to sort through and understand. But I wanted to write and tell you all again how much I GREATLY APPRECIATE the advice and support you have given me. Many of you have posted questions and personal experiences that are really making me look within myself in a way that I probably would not have done otherwise. Thank you so much for taking the time to do that for me, someone you don't even know :-). This is a very special board with a lot of unbelivable ladies on it. I am grateful I found it
emsmile.gif
. I will post an update when I have one. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

How do you know the difference between a grass is always greener situation or that it is just not right? And what if the grass just doesn't get any greener and you find out the hard way? Was that comprehendable :-)? Bear with me, my thoughts are everywhere right now
emdgust.gif
.

P.S. Someone asked about his schedule- yes, there will eventually be an end. But by then I am afraid I would have just given up too much of my life. Plus, by that time we will have children so I figure my life becomes their life (at least while they are young). I've never had children so I could be wrong about that but it definitely seems like the hardest job out there!
 
How do you know the difference between a grass is always greener situation or that it is just not right? And what if the grass just doesn''t get any greener and you find out the hard way?
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The short answer is: quite often you don''t know. It''s one of those situations in life where you have to take a risk - there are no guarantees. If you end your relationship, yes, there is a chance you''ll find out it was a "grass is always greener" situation - or that you''ll look back and, like me (I was in a similar situation once), realise it was the best thing you ever did.

From what you''ve posted, the feeling I get is that if you don''t take the chance now, you might always regret it. I know I would have. But only you can answer that question.

I really hope it all works out for you and am sending lots of hugs.
 
Date: 5/14/2009 9:57:02 AM
Author: Vani
How do you know the difference between a grass is always greener situation or that it is just not right? And what if the grass just doesn''t get any greener and you find out the hard way?
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at least for me, if I feel something is missing, is because something is missing for real. When you have the feeling that can be happier, is because you really can be happier.

You are right saying that there is not a perfect relatioship, but even if is not perfect, you feel like it was perfect. Because the good moments are so strong that even the downsides of the relationship, don''t take away the happinest of your heart.
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Confusedgirl - have you ever tried talking to him about these concerns and how you are feeling? If this man truly loves you and wants you to be happy, and if he is the one, he will understand what you are saying and want to change...
 
I feel you on the whole "grass is greener" angst. It bothered me a lot right after I first got engaged and it really sunk in that I was preparing to spend the rest of my life with one person.

I'm in somewhat of an opposite situation in that I'm pretty young to be marrying, so a part of me wondered what possible futures I might be prematurely ending by getting married. And I've always kind of had wanderlust and preferred to "keep my options open".

For me, I spent a few days thinking, and I can genuinely say that 1. We love each other and 2. I know that HE would never settle for a future in which I was unhappy, even if I was willing to do it for him.

I recognize there's a possibility that there exists another person that I might be an even better fit for me (the world is a big place after all). But I make my own happiness, and I know that I am (and will continue to be) very happy with my fiance for many many reasons.

I hope you find some answers and peace of mind soon!

Best of wishes!
 
Confusedgirl, I really sympathize with your position, since my life with my FI will also always be governed in some way by his job and the life it forces him (now us) to lead. Sometimes I feel incredibly constrained by it, and sometimes I resent the cool things he gets to do that I''m not part of. On the other hand, he has never expected me to give up everything and adapt to his life, and he has been my strongest support since I decided to go for a law degree. If I decide to become a "real" lawyer at the end of this, it''s about as incompatible with his profession as you can get, time-wise. But we''re going to make it work, and we''re going to do it together. I don''t know exactly how the pieces are going to fall into place, but we''re both confident that they will. Are you AND your FI willing to make sacrifices for each other in order to have this relationship? Because that''s the most important thing.

My answer to your questions is that sometimes you can''t know, you just have to believe and work hard. But if you can''t bring yourself to believe that it''s the right relationship, and that the life you see yourself living as part of that relationship could make you happy, it''s probably a sign that it''s wrong. It''s possible to love someone very much, but not to be able to make a life with that person -- and admitting it is okay. Admitting it before you get married is certainly better than going into a marriage knowing it won''t work. But it''s also okay to let your dreams and goals evolve, which is something that''s been a real learning experience for me. Either way, I think you have to trust your gut, and good luck with your decision.
 
I really have nothing to add that hasn''t already been said. It just stinks that you are going through this while I do think it is somewhat normal to have doubts. I''m really sorry but you are the only one that knows what is right, ultimatley.
 
The question you need to ask yourself isn''t "should I settle?".

1) You said you were different in many ways and how you want to live your lives. You need to be on the same page.
2) You feel constrained and stifled by the relationship. You should feel empowered in the right relationship.
3) You feel resentment, even now, for his decisions - - in which you have no apparent say - - the decisions that should be made by both of you.

Love will not overcome these issues. Unless he can compromise with you, plan your future together with you, support your personal goals, acknowledge that you have a say in what the two of you do from the moment you take your vows . . . then you should not go through with the wedding. You will not ''learn to live'' within the parameters he wants to set; you will resent him, you will frustrate him, and it can only end badly.

If he truly is a wonderful man, then you need to sit down, right now, with him. Tell him EVERYTHING that you feel, every fear you have, every problem you think is already on the horizon, and every problem that is bound to come. You must be completely honest. ONLY if the two of you can agree that this is an equal partnership, and your opinions and desires are just as important, ONLY then should you even consider marriage. And frankly, I would postpone it.

I wish you the best.
 
Confusedgirl--

I was thinking about you this morning and wondered how you were? How are things?
 
What strikes me Confusedgirl is the TONE of your post. You sound so beaten down and without hope - like you''re resigned to your fate. It broke my heart to read that you feel worthless. Whatever you decide, YOU DESERVE FULFILLMENT AND TO ATTAIN YOUR DREAMS, BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT!
 
The man I am marrying is wonderful. He loves me very much. He is giving, kind, financially secure, and will make a wonderful father. However, in order for me to be with him I basically have to live his life. Otherwise we would never get to see each other. I don’t and, the way it works, can’t do anything for me. I know many women would love the idea of not having to work but it gets pretty boring and makes you feel worthless. While he is a “great” guy, he does have his flaws in that he doesn’t support my dreams unless they fall into his idea of “life.” He isn’t adventurous and if I want to do something I have to make it happen. We are different in many ways with how we want to live life and our beliefs, but many are compatable as well. If that makes sense....We travel a lot now for his work but once we settle he only wants to live in one place and that is where is whole family lives. I don’t want to live there at this time in my live. I know this may sound vague. Please bear with me. I know not every relationship is perfect. And that is kind of what I am getting at. I am entering my early 30s. Is it better to settle for a guy that you know you could have a good life with even though it isn’t exactly what you want? I know many girls say that they couldn’t be in a relationship where they aren’t head over heels in love but doesn’t that fade with time in most situations? Who knows if someone is out there who is a better fit? Do you chance it? And at this point (we’ve been together three years) I’ve giving up so much of my life I don’t even know where I would begin.


These were the exact thoughts that went through my best friend's head 15 years ago. We were 27, and she had dated her (now) husband for several years. She actually WAS in love with him when they met, but within a few years she realized it might not be the right fit. They broke up, but she ended up deciding to make another run at the relationship. She did this knowing he wasn't her heart's desire, but she wanted children and 30 was looming, so she felt 'too old' to make a fresh start and date again.

I wish I could introduce you to her today. The happy, bright gal I knew has been replaced by someone who's resigned to living the consequences of her choice every day. She's stuck in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage and can't even recall a time when she loved him, so great have the resentments grown over the years. She hasn't worked in years, so she can't get a job that pays sufficiently enough to support herself and her kids; that's the only reason she hasn't left.

Please don't settle. It's not worth it. Please want more than that for yourself. Don't let fear of perhaps never marrying propel you to make an enormous mistake. It is better to remain unmarried and HAPPY than it is to marry the wrong person and be unhappy. I was happily single when I met my husband at almost 37 years old; if I had settled earlier, I would have missed out on him.....my heart's desire. If we hadn't met, I was completely OK with never marrying. I'd rather do without than make do.


PS: For what's it's worth to you, I don't believe this is a 'greener grass' issue for you. It's not that "oh, another possibility looks better". The issue is that you don't want the life he does. You don't want the same things. That's not a 'greener grass' problem; it's a fundamental difference that can't be overcome. You don't share a common life vision, and that is a dealbreaker.
 
Thanks so much for thinking of me and, once again, for the insightful and meaningful advice. It really has helped me look at myself and my relationship in ways difficult for one to do objectively. Sorry I haven''t been back with an update. That''s because there really isn''t much of one and I''m really struggling with the decision. With each passing day, I think (maybe even know?) you ladies are right but it''s such a difficult (and frightening) decision to make to uproot your planned future even if it ultimately is what is in your best interest. It is just so hard to really know and accept that (if that makes sense...). And, of course, there is the timing factor. I know that "there is never a good time" but we have a slightly unusual situation which makes this really bad timing.

The funny thing is, if you met me you would think I would be the first person to be able to do this for myself.

I can''t express enough how much your advice and thoughts have meant to me. Thank you.
 
Thanks for coming back and giving an update, Confused, I just want to offer some support because I''m sure that what you''re going through is awful right now.

Ali''s post really resonated with me--I also have a friend (more of an acquaintence) who settled for a man because she was in her thirties and wanted children. She knew she was not head over heels in love with him, but he was good "dad" material and married him. They quickly had children and now she is very unfulfilled, but stays because she doesn''t think it''s fair to take her kids away from their dad, who is great, because she made a mistake. I respect her decision to stay because she is putting her children''s needs ahead of her own, but my heart aches for her.

When you''re in the thicke of a decision like this you feel paralyzed and overwhelmed. I just helped a friend cancel her wedding last year and she said she felt like a "failure", which obviously is not true, but I can understand the feeling (she is doing VERY well now!). Still, I think that if you were to cancel this wedding, in 6 months you will look back and think it was the best decision you''ve probably ever made.

I wish you luck. Please do keep us updated!
 
ConfusedGirl...maybe you can help me understand better, but I don''t see anywhere in this post that tells me why you WANT to marry him in the first place. We have focused so much on why you don''t want to or shouldn''t marry him, but maybe it will help to give perspective to at least think about why you do want to marry him.

I''m assuming becasue you said yes and from some of your comments about when you first met him you knew you wanted to marry him, that you have some reasons. Because you love him? Becasue you want kids soon? Because he can give you a financially secure life? I really encourage you to examine *those* reasons you have that prompted you to say "yes" in the first place.

I think we all examine our lives and our SO''s at some point and ask ourselves, is this who we want to be with and why. For me, I knew I wanted to marry my BF because I wanted to live a life with someone who is my best friend...someone who is there for me, listens to me, challenges me, teaches me...someone who enjoys the same things as me...live music, going to concerts, travelling, camping, animals, has a "love of life," family, the beach, trying new things, etc...someone who has similar goals...family, children, building a future and a nice house, work ethic.

What are your reasons, ConfusedGirl?

I also knew that not everything was going to be perfect, of course there are things that I don''t *love* about my BF...of course there are things I wish I could change about him. For me, as long as these things weren''t "dealbreakers" or "red flags," then these are my "compromises." I''m sure he has his compromises about me. But we love each other, so we accept each other for who we are and make things work.

So, ConfusedGirl, are any of these things you are noticing "red flags" to you? At least from what I have read, it sounds like they already are. They are already weighing heavy on your mind.

How long have you been together? Have you lived together? Have you been able to work through some of these issues already? It doesn''t sound like you have, and you are ready to marry this person. I believe that when you marry someone, you are saying "yes" to this life with him...hopefully you already have an idea of what this life is or will be. It sounds like you do, and it sounds like you don''t like it.

So why are you saying "yes"? Again, I ask, what are your reasons for saying "yes" to this man??

Does this make sense?? If you can''t find the reasons, and aren''t happy with the compromises you will be making...it sounds to me like you have your answer.

And, please, don''t marry this man out of fear that you won''t find what you are looking for...YOU WILL. And, just maybe, you will find that the thing you are looking for is you being happy and doing what you want in life. Go take a trip around the world and have some fun!!! We have but one life to live (depending on your beliefs, of course!).
 
if your fiance left you, how would you truly feel? if you think you would feel slightly relieved, then you shouldn''t get married. if you would only feel humiliation, or fearful of being unable to support yourself or find another man, then you shouldn''t get married. if you would feel deeply sad and like you heart was being ripped out, then go through with it :)
 
Date: 5/13/2009 8:24:09 PM
Author: Bliss

ETA: Just re-read your post. I''m torn! Part of me wants to advise you to leave and not settle. But I keep detecting some deep pain from your post. Do you think that he brings out some very deep wounds from your past? Sometimes when real (and I mean REAL INTIMACY AND LOVE) happen, it can scare people and make them start to second guess whether the person is right.


It can cause people to convince themselves that their partner is the wrong person entirely! Maybe your parents gave you a really scary image of marriage. Am I reaching too far? No offense, but it just sounds like maaaaaybe what hurts you is that you have not found YOURSELF either.


And therefore living ''his'' life suffocates you, makes you rage to be an independent individual and scares you to death? You have to be ROOTED in yourself and at peace with who you are to commit to someone fully in a healthy way. It sounds like you perhaps are still in a self-development stage and are looking for something within.

That doesn''t mean you have to do it in a cave by yourself. Often relationships and partners can help us and push us to learn more about ourselves. Maybe you give give give and now it''s time to give to yourself - giving your life up for this man maybe causes something inside you to scream, ''WHAT ABOUT ME?'' Do you think it''s part of an identity crisis? Just friendly (yet probing) questions that I hope either help you to find some answers or make you laugh at a crazy old lady''s ramblings!
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I just wanted to throw in that this advice really resonates with me. I struggle all the time with the me vs. we aspects of having a close relationship. Im sure this comes from being single into my late ''30s but sometimes if I''ve been living too much in his life I feel like there is no ground for me . In this state its easy for me to pick at him, to focus on *his* faults, but really (and this is just for me, mind you--) my picking on him is just a diversion for me, its an avoidance for me seeing that what is really bothering me is how I am acting. As soon as I change my own behavior/habits/actions and refocus on myself, my vision clears and I see the wonderful man I am honored to be with.

I agree that you sound really conflicted/beaten down in your post, and you should honor those feelings, but I could also see that perhaps you were at a low point and that in such a moment you were compelled to write. Perhaps what you wrote is an accurate reflection of your feelings generally, but perhaps this is just a moment. Only you know which it is.

I can only speak from my own heart, and none of this might apply to you, but I will say were it me, I would need to ask how much of that confusion is rooted in my actions and how I feel about them. I would need to see what happens when I refocus on myself, and see which are the parts that are still troubling. Those would be the bits I would actively try to discuss and work out with my BF, and I would do so knowing that the act of working those things out would reveal what I needed to know--because if we could find our compromise, then our relationship would be closer and I would know that future problems were likely to be solvable. If not, then I would know it wasn''t likely to work, and it wasn''t the right relationship for me.
 
Date: 5/14/2009 8:35:59 AM
Author: Confusedgirl
I can''t write much at the moment because I just have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head that I am trying my best to sort through and understand. But I wanted to write and tell you all again how much I GREATLY APPRECIATE the advice and support you have given me. Many of you have posted questions and personal experiences that are really making me look within myself in a way that I probably would not have done otherwise. Thank you so much for taking the time to do that for me, someone you don''t even know :-). This is a very special board with a lot of unbelivable ladies on it. I am grateful I found it
emsmile.gif
. I will post an update when I have one. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.


How do you know the difference between a grass is always greener situation or that it is just not right? And what if the grass just doesn''t get any greener and you find out the hard way? Was that comprehendable :-)? Bear with me, my thoughts are everywhere right now
emdgust.gif
.


P.S. Someone asked about his schedule- yes, there will eventually be an end. But by then I am afraid I would have just given up too much of my life. Plus, by that time we will have children so I figure my life becomes their life (at least while they are young). I''ve never had children so I could be wrong about that but it definitely seems like the hardest job out there!
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Keep in mind I''ve never been married myself yet. =)

I''ve been reading others'' advice to you, and so far it sounds like everyone is saying to stop the wedding. I am not sure I agree with this, since we don''t even know him or you, so really, it''s hard to say what''s right.

My thoughts are this-

1. If you are looking for a man to complete you, or fit the perfect picture in your head. It is likely he does not exist. You need to recognize and think whether your expectations can be met by someone else. Consider asking close family and friends whether they believe you two to be a good match. Sometimes they see things you don''t see.
2. It is natural to get cold-feet or feelings of doubt when you realize the magnitude of the wedding commitment. Don''t confuse the doubt with not wanting to marry him. Unless the feelings you have, are actually feelings of not wanting to marry him.
3. The fact that he believes you will just go with what he wants after marriage shows a lack of communication and understanding. If you do decide to marry this man, I think that you two must work on your communication skills. Even now, I believe you should talk to him about your doubts and fears. Open communication between you two will lead to a better life between you two in general.
4. Never marry out of obligation. Even if you agreed to marry him in the past, that does not mean you have to marry him now. Even if you are in your upper 50''s and never married, that does not mean you must marry now. Everyone has their own time, don''t let your own personal timeline force you into marriage.
5. Consider going to premarital counseling- a lot of churches offer this for free. I''ve heard of couples going to it and breaking up or coming out stronger. I think this would be a positive way to examine your relationships even more.


I wish you all the best and hope that you make the best decision!
 
Why can''t you have a home somewhere and a job and he travels and comes home on weekends or whenever? You must be managing that situation now, right? Many of us have had husbands who travel and it can and does work.

I sense from what you have said that you may just be fearful of marriage and having kids because there was mention of "losing yourself". I was once young and single and a daughter, sister, and friend, and I eventually became a teacher, a wife, and a mother, as well. All of these roles make up my life, but not just one of them defines me. I didn''t lose myself, but my life GREW and changed!!!! Please don''t be fearful of change, because it can be a wonderful thing!

You just need to decide if this is the man you love enough to make sacrifices for, because ALL marriages require sacrifice and compromise from BOTH parties at times, or it will never work. Obviously this is why the divorce rate is so high. If you aren''t both willing to make some compromises, then it probably won''t work. So I recommend talking to him as soon as possible.
 
I think confusion is normal. Marriage is a huge leap of faith. Unfortunatrely I also think that cold feet and wanting out are hard to differentiate. I can''t give any advice because I am not very good at relationships. I just wanted to say that I hope you figure it out and NOT to consider the money and time already spent on planning the wedding or what other people might say.
 
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