should I pay for the E-ring?

[EmptyLeftHand]

Hello All,

Have any of you ladies paid for your E-rings? Or at least paid part of the price?
I know it is totally unromantic and goes against everything, but I wonder whether it would be an Ok thing to do.

Basically, I am employed in a well paid job and my SO is a student (although I am 29, he''s 31). We have been talking a lot lately about getting married and it is on the cards. I would like a pretty decent ring, and he would like to get me a decent ring, but I don''t think he could afford it. Well he and MasterCard would probably be able to afford it, but I don''t like the idea of plunging him into debt. If we were to wait until he was earning regularly it would be years. To complicate matters a bit we are in the process of buying our home - and he knows that I will not move in to said home un-engaged. I have read plenty of posts encouraging girls not to make large house purchases without an engagement commitment and I can see the sense in that. (why buy the cow etc etc!)

I do want the engagement promise more than I want the ring.

However, if he proposed, and he wasn''t able to actually buy a ring would it be wrong and/or emasculating to put something towards it myself?

I am probably going to get blasted for asking this question

! In my logical head I think it is totally fine to subsidise something that I will be wearing and which I can well afford, but on the other hand, I know it is something that he is meant to give me and therefore I should just shut up and wear CZ for the next 5 years.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts (though a bit nervous!)

 

[Pushin40]

Hi!

Welcome! I like your name!!!!

PERSONALLY, I MYSELF WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO PAY FOR MY E-RING (OR AT LEAST PART OF IT) BUT I KNOW MY GUY WOULD NEVER AGREE TO IT. And BTW its nobody''s business - you don''t need to tell anyody anything.

I think you should talk to him about it and see if this would make him feel "less of a man", I guess I can see how it could.

I strongly think that part of any good relationship is being able to talk about finances etc and that includes your diamond purchase. Get it out on the table and decide cash, credit, wait a while, CZ - you buy - he buys....This is a partnership and the two of you can work it out!

Good luck and keep us posted!!!

 

[neatfreak]

Personally, assuming that he is TRULY ok with it, I think it is totally fine assuming that HE proposes and then you guys simply buy the ring together. I don't think it's wise to truly buy yourself your own engagement ring if there is any chance that $ is being used as an excuse not to propose. If that isn't the case, which it sounds like it isn't, I don't think it's a big deal.

That being said...many men WOULD think it was emasculating. Why can't he propose with a beautiful band for now and then in a few years when he is more established in the working world give you a more substantial anniversary ring? I personally would go that route as I wouldn't want to risk my hubby to be being upset about the proposal. If you really want to marry this man than ultimately he should be worth waiting a few years for the right ring.

 

[wishful]

Hi I didn''t read any other replys...just your post.
Why don''t you compromise for now and have him get you a band - maybe a half eternity (or even a full if he can swing it) you can wear that as your engagment ring for now and then when you guys are more settled he can get you a traditional engagement ring at that time.
And you can use your "first engagement ring" as your wedding band.

That way you get a ring sooner, and the ring you really want a little later, no one goes into major debt and he pays for it.

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Thanks Pushin40 and Neatfreak.

I think this issue does need properly addressed and we can talk through all the other stuff, so I don''t think it would cause a majr rift at all. He is fairly relaxed about the fact that I earn more than him and isn''t too much of a macho guy about things like that. We split the ocsts of most thigns anyway.
And you are right- he is worth waiting for, as is the ring and a pipecleaner, Haribo sweet, paperclip etc would do in the meantime.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I am in a similar situation. My FI would not agree to let me pay for any part of the ring as his pride is certainly tied to the ring. He felt very strongly that the ring should be his sole purchase and I respect his stance. Rather than wait around for him to be able to purchase the ring completely debt free, we chose our date and began planning our wedding.

At first it felt a little funny saying we were engaged without a traditional engagement ring but now I am VERY happy that we are doing things our way. As one PSer said, I get to have the excitement of planning our wedding day AND I still get to look forward to my ring - not many girls can say that!

The bottom line is that you really do not need a ring to be engaged nor do you need a diamond. If your dream ring is out of the question financially, you can always get a beautiful gem stone ring which you can turn into a RHR once your sweetie is able to afford your dream ring. Whatever works for the BOTH of you is what is important. I guess I more or less feel that engagement is a state of mind and is not dependent on a ring at all - the ring is just a really nice bonus

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/12/2008 1:28:15 PM
Author: neatfreak
Personally, assuming that he is TRULY ok with it, I think it is totally fine assuming that HE proposes and then you guys simply buy the ring together. I don't think it's wise to truly buy yourself your own engagement ring if there is any chance that $ is being used as an excuse not to propose. If that isn't the case, which it sounds like it isn't, I don't think it's a big deal.

That being said...many men WOULD think it was emasculating. Why can't he propose with a beautiful band for now and then in a few years when he is more established in the working world give you a more substantial anniversary ring? I personally would go that route as I wouldn't want to risk my hubby to be being upset about the proposal. If you really want to marry this man than ultimately he should be worth waiting a few years for the right ring.

Don't agree with this. Many people share their finances already, and it just makes sense to share some of the cost. Every guy is different. I put about 2K towards my ring, and my FI was happy that I was willing to put funds towards our future as well. It showed a joint committment in our situation.

I TOTALLY agree with this comment. If you truely just want to be married to this man, then get a beautiful band and let him or both of you, pick out somthing more to your liking later.

 

[fieryred33143]

If you are more concerned with the engagement promise than the ring, then why pay for the ring? Why not let him get you the ring he can afford now?

That's what I don't understand. If the ring isn't important then neither should be the size and a "decent" ring would be the best ring he can get for the money he already has. And if what he can afford now isn't really the ring that you want, then part of the engagement really is the ring and its more important than you are admitting to now.

I say, just wait. A lot of psers upgrade their ring but IRL it doesn't happen often. If you won't be bothered with upgrading later then just wait for the ring you really want now.

You don't sound like you would be happy paying for part of your ring. Some girls do it because that was their plan all along (such as Gwendolyn) and that's a good idea. But I wouldn't give him money just to hurry up the process and make sure you get a decent size ring.

ETA: I'm in the same position as you financially. Had I helped, we could have easily gotten a much bigger ring. But I refused to spend my money on an engagement ring (I feel that is his job) and for me it was about getting engaged. He got me a .75 that I rock like there's no tomorrow.

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Thanks, all of you.
I guess I am a bit old fashioned in that I feel that the ring I get when we get engaged is the one I stick with (the idea of an upgrade isn''t as common in the UK I think!) as that is what all the ladies in my family have done. (although they all got pretty good ones, so it wasn''t much of a hardship

) My sister had a keeper ring for a few months, so as you suggest something else other than the "e-ring" itself would do in the meantime. I have certainly said to my SO that not having a ring should not be an obstacle to a proposal so we''ll see!

 

[katamari]

I know that I may be in the minority here, but I totally think that the idea that the man pays for the engagement ring is outdated and (at least to me) offensive. I also don't think the proposal timing decision should be up to just him, either. Talk about an imbalance of power! It was very important to me, as a woman dedicated to having an equal relationship, to make the process of engagement a joint decision. This also meant picking out the ring together and talking about how it fell in our financial future. There were some things that were really important to him and to me in terms of what traditions could go and which were non-negotiable (i.e. he wanted the popping of the question to be on his terms, he wanted a diamond center stone, I wanted a long engagement, etc.), but it felt really liberating to me to be making these decisions, and these purchases, together.

I totally agree with other posters that he would have to also be on board with this decision. But, I think that if you come to this conclusion together, it would only be a good thing. On the other hand, I also think that if you come to a decision that a band works for you in the meantime, that is fine, too. I just think you shouldn't feel any shame about paying for your ring or making decisions about it together. That is how it should be!

 

[sklingem]

Controversial topic round #356 ... ding ding!
LOL (I am NOT participating in this again)
In any case, you certainly should not feel bad about wanting to contribute. Just make sure you guys are on the same page and find something that works for the both of you! Good luck!

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Date: 8/12/2008 1:26:50 PM
Author: Pushin40
Hi!

Welcome! I like your name!!!!

PERSONALLY, I MYSELF WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO PAY FOR MY E-RING (OR AT LEAST PART OF IT) BUT I KNOW MY GUY WOULD NEVER AGREE TO IT. And BTW its nobody''s business - you don''t need to tell anyody anything.

I think you should talk to him about it and see if this would make him feel ''less of a man'', I guess I can see how it could.

I strongly think that part of any good relationship is being able to talk about finances etc and that includes your diamond purchase. Get it out on the table and decide cash, credit, wait a while, CZ - you buy - he buys....This is a partnership and the two of you can work it out!

Good luck and keep us posted!!!

Ditto to that. I think if you''re fine with it, and he''s fine with it- then no problem, but be really sure he doesn''t care!

 

[PrincessDijon]

Well, if it''s any consolation right now, my SO is still in school as well (he''s almost 25) and although he makes decent money while working , he has been helping me with my bills (which I am eternally grateful for) since I just left a crappy job and had to get an interim job with lower than anticipated pay. That meant that my e-ring has been put on the back-burner due to financial constraints. He wants to get me a nice ring and said that it would be a little bit until I get one...

I am actually proposing (controvercial I know) to my SO in September of this year. Yes, we did talk about it many times and he wouldn''t feel emasculated by it. My story is in the proposal ideas section....

I was able to get him a ring that he wanted (since most mens rings are waaaaaaay less expensive than our lovely e-rings). I also am saving up a bit on the side to make an unforgettable day of it.

So back to the topic, while I am going to be "in waiting" for my e-ring from him, I am all about the promse aspect of the enagement and being engaged.....So, I may just get myself a matching band to his since we can wear them together and it will still be significant. I feel really tacky if I wear my e-ring from my last marriage (eventhough it''s nice bling). So, that''s my plan.....

Let us know what you and your SO end up deciding!!!

 

[absolut_blonde]

I have no issue with it, in theory. I would be willing to put $ towards my ring. Or like someone else said, I''d be willing to take an eternity bend (heck, a plain bad) in lieu of a traditional solitaire whenever we could afford it.

However... SO would NEVER go for it. Not in a million years. His stance is that if he can''t afford a nice ring, he can''t afford to get married/have a wedding (he wants to be in a better financial position prior to marriage for a number of reasons).

I don''t totally agree with his perspective on money and marriage, but it''s important to him so I am trying to be understanding. I think his parents had a lot of money-related issues. And to some extent, it''s a pride thing.

 

[blondebunny]

first what is a decent ring?!?!?!? I mean that kinda needs to be answered.. What amount of money do u feel u need to spend to get a decent ring??

I think its more than fine to help with the engagement ring. Im going to help my FF with mine and absolutely have no problem with it. If you think about it, his debt WILL be your debt too when you get married, so whats the point in putting yourself in debt if u could just help out a little bit.

We are 23(me) and 22(him) and in graduate school so our budget wasnt huge, but I feel we got a really beautiful ring and it wasnt that expensive...

Do you have any family stones you could use and he could just purchase the setting?? or maybe you could find a stone u liked and give it to him to set..

AND you can always upgrade later... I plan too.. obviously would have loved to have a bigger stone (FF agrees) but we are in graduate school and its ridiculous to have all of our spare income go to a ring when in 10 years I can upgrade (and I plan on keeping the same setting just get a larger diamond) without money worries...

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Date: 8/12/2008 1:42:38 PM
Author: fieryred33143
If you are more concerned with the engagement promise than the ring, then why pay for the ring? Why not let him get you the ring he can afford now?


That''s what I don''t understand. If the ring isn''t important then neither should be the size and a ''decent'' ring would be the best ring he can get for the money he already has. And if what he can afford now isn''t really the ring that you want, then part of the engagement really is the ring and its more important than you are admitting to now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes Fieryred, on reflection, the ring is part of the engagement and perhaps more important to me than I may have made out. Genuinely though, the engagement is the more important thing. A few years ago (pre-SO)I probably would have said that the ring would have been the only reason to get engaged! I have changed since meeting him.

What I think my SO has cash for at the moment would be more like 0.075ct rather than 0.75 (your e-ring is beautiful BTW!) and that wouldn''t really be the ring I would like. If he were happy with me contributing to the ring, I would be happy to do so. I guess I asked this question because none of my friends are in a situation like this and when I mentioned it to my mum she nearly choked. I was just testing the water a little further afield.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 8/12/2008 3:43:03 PM
Author: EmptyLeftHand

Date: 8/12/2008 1:42:38 PM

Author: fieryred33143

If you are more concerned with the engagement promise than the ring, then why pay for the ring? Why not let him get you the ring he can afford now?



That''s what I don''t understand. If the ring isn''t important then neither should be the size and a ''decent'' ring would be the best ring he can get for the money he already has. And if what he can afford now isn''t really the ring that you want, then part of the engagement really is the ring and its more important than you are admitting to now.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Yes Fieryred, on reflection, the ring is part of the engagement and perhaps more important to me than I may have made out. Genuinely though, the engagement is the more important thing. A few years ago (pre-SO)I probably would have said that the ring would have been the only reason to get engaged! I have changed since meeting him.


What I think my SO has cash for at the moment would be more like 0.075ct rather than 0.75 (your e-ring is beautiful BTW!) and that wouldn''t really be the ring I would like. If he were happy with me contributing to the ring, I would be happy to do so. I guess I asked this question because none of my friends are in a situation like this and when I mentioned it to my mum she nearly choked. I was just testing the water a little further afield.

ELH: My suggestion is that if you two DO decide to go forward this way, keep who paid for the ring between you and your SO. It might not emasculate him to let you pay for it, but it might make him uncomfortable if you tell everyone else that you paid for your own ring, KWIM? And it''s no one else''s business but your own!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Well, as the old married lady...let me point out...the minute you two are *married* everything is fair game...whats his is your and vice versa. So, if he would put a ring on a CC, chances are you'll be paying for it eventually anyway

.

Now, I think it's fine that you are willing to contribute or purchase your own ring. If, as a couple, thats okay...then it's okay. But take a moment, before you sign on the dotted line, to consider how that ring will make you feel...Will you get warm rushes when you look at it, knowing he put everything he had into it? Will you, someday, hold it against him like "I bought my own engagement ring!"?

If I were you, I'd contribute money towards it, but avoid buying it for myself out right. Split it 50/50 and get what you can afford as a couple, while keeping in line with the romantic idea of joining together. BIG diamonds are nice, but its the sentiment behind the ring that makes it special...

ETA: If you're getting engaged for the ring...spare yourself. Just buy your big ol' bling and leave it alone with no strings attached. An engagement is a promise...a contract...it's so much more than a nice piece of jewelry...because there will be times (believe me) when your ring wont matter a lick. If this is the man you love then who cares if it is .075, .75, 7.5, or 75.0...his character and your love cannot (should not) be measured in carats...because if thats how you feel, you're not ready to marry this man.

 

[blondebunny]

your ring doesnt have to be expensive.... this guy got a beautiful ring for around 2k.. https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/0-62-ct-engagement-ring-from-james-allen.92239/

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Obviously this is something that you can only decide with your SO--both of your feelings about the e-ring need to be respected.

If you want a ring that he can''t afford, I think paying for it yourself is the fair thing to do.

I wanted to pay for half of my e-ring, but it had nothing to do with the size of the ring and everything to do wth the fact that my paying for half was most representative of our relationship. My husband saw the e-ring as a gift and it was important to him to pay 100% of it. I let him do that and love my ring...which I rarely wear. Instead I wear a band I bought for myself and the wedding band he bought for me because to me it represents equality. Getting the e-ring was important to my husband, but wearing a symbol of our relationship is what is important to me.

If you want a nice ring and he wants for you to have a nice ring and you agree that the ring is a priority and it only makes sense for you to pay for it, then go for it.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/12/2008 3:43:03 PM
Author: EmptyLeftHand

Date: 8/12/2008 1:42:38 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Yes Fieryred, on reflection, the ring is part of the engagement and perhaps more important to me than I may have made out. Genuinely though, the engagement is the more important thing. A few years ago (pre-SO)I probably would have said that the ring would have been the only reason to get engaged! I have changed since meeting him.

What I think my SO has cash for at the moment would be more like 0.075ct rather than 0.75 (your e-ring is beautiful BTW!) and that wouldn''t really be the ring I would like. If he were happy with me contributing to the ring, I would be happy to do so. I guess I asked this question because none of my friends are in a situation like this and when I mentioned it to my mum she nearly choked. I was just testing the water a little further afield.

There''s nothing wrong with being honest with yourself and everyone else that you have certain carat preferences. There is no shame in that. And if he really can only afford a small diamond and you prefer bigger, then wait. If you want to contribute money to your own ring, that''s 200% ok also.

I just got the impression from your original post that you didn''t really seem all that excited about doing that. I think its an important question to ask yourself: Do you want to contribute because you don''t think it should all fall on him or are you contributing *just* to make sure you get a good ring and hurry up the process? If it''s the latter, then my fear would be that later on you''ll regret it.

 

[CrookedRock]

This could be a touchy subject... I did not pay for my ring and did not offer, to answer your first questions.

I''m strangely old fashioned in thinking that the man should buy the ring and do the proposing. I agree with you though that the promise of the engagement is far more important than the engagement ring. No question there!

You have to decide if you are really ok with contributing...
He has to decide if he is ok with you contributing...

I have had this conversation with girlfriends who have been dissapointed in their rings... My personal take is I would prefer to have something that I know he worked hard for and wanted to give me, than something I had to buy myself to make the appearance of the engagement more real. Even if that meant a chip from a mall store, or whatever it may be, at least I know he gave it to me to represent the bigger picture: the promise...

I just really think it is so personal, and you really have to do what makes you and him comfortable. I also really like the idea of getting the band now and the ering later!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/12/2008 4:17:55 PM
Author: CrookedRock
I would prefer to have something that I know he worked hard for and wanted to give me, than something I had to buy myself to make the appearance of the engagement more real. Even if that meant a chip from a mall store, or whatever it may be, at least I know he gave it to me to represent the bigger picture: the promise...

Phooey. Who in the world said anything about THAT sentiment?? An engagement appearing "more real" with a bigger ring?? WHAT?? And "had" to buy for oneself if quite different than CHOOSING to buy or contribute. Ugh. Old fashioned isn't the term I'd use for these attitudes.

To the OP -- personally, I'd be comfortable with up to 50% contribution. And I understand wanting a ring in line with *both* of your means rather than his alone (as he's still in school). Good luck with your decision & upcoming engagement! Exciting!!

 

[HollyS]

1) An engagement ring should be a gift. If you buy it, it really isn''t the same thing. Regardless of what he can''t afford and what you can afford. It is a promise from one person to another. It is not supposed to be a mutual expense.

2) You are already in the process of buying a home? Even though you won''t move in until you are engaged? How can two people, who cannot afford a ring, afford a house?

3) Rings do not have to be expensive; and they don''t have to be CZs.

Be willing to lower your expectations; at least for the short term. Get a ''big deal'' ring later.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/12/2008 4:28:45 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/12/2008 4:17:55 PM
Author: CrookedRock
I would prefer to have something that I know he worked hard for and wanted to give me, than something I had to buy myself to make the appearance of the engagement more real. Even if that meant a chip from a mall store, or whatever it may be, at least I know he gave it to me to represent the bigger picture: the promise...

Phooey. Who in the world said anything about THAT sentiment?? An engagement appearing 'more real' with a bigger ring?? WHAT?? And 'had' to buy for oneself if quite different than CHOOSING to buy or contribute. Ugh. Old fashioned isn't the term I'd use for these attitudes.

To the OP -- personally, I'd be comfortable with up to 50% contribution. And I understand wanting a ring in line with *both* of your means rather than his alone (as he's still in school). Good luck with your decision & upcoming engagement! Exciting!!

Agree.

I see engagement as two people mutually deciding to marry one another. The ring was not important to me and I didn't care to get it as a "gift". However, it was important to my husband that he propose with a ring. Then to which I replied...OK, if you *have* to get me a ring, then I would like it to be one that I would actually wear every day. We talked about what that would be, and he told me his budget, and then I asked if could put in x amount and get the ring I wanted.

So I have no problem with paying for part of it. For TGuy and me, it was a good, rational discussion...a tool you'll find will take you far in marriage.

 

[blondebunny]

Date: 8/12/2008 4:30:04 PM
Author: HollyS
1) An engagement ring should be a gift. If you buy it, it really isn''t the same thing. Regardless of what he can''t afford and what you can afford. It is a promise from one person to another. It is not supposed to be a mutual expense.


2) You are already in the process of buying a home? Even though you won''t move in until you are engaged? How can two people, who cannot afford a ring, afford a house?


3) Rings do not have to be expensive; and they don''t have to be CZs.


Be willing to lower your expectations; at least for the short term. Get a ''big deal'' ring later.

I dont think its a gift at all... its an engagement ring.. if it was a gift it''d simply be called a ring... And shouldnt it be a promise between them.. not from one person to another.. I mean he is asking.. and she is saying yes, so arent they BOTH promising to marry each other..??? its a commitment between 2 people, so there is nothing wrong with her helping... I mean they are mutually agreeing to marry each other, so why cant it be a mutual expense, and really why SHOULD the guy ask the girl, why cant it be the opposite?

 

[goldenstar]

I think its fine to help pay for the ring if you are both comfortable with it.

Another alternative is for him to buy what he can afford now, and upgrade later if you are both okay with it. Different things work for different couples...

 

[CrookedRock]

Date: 8/12/2008 4:28:45 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/12/2008 4:17:55 PM
Author: CrookedRock
I would prefer to have something that I know he worked hard for and wanted to give me, than something I had to buy myself to make the appearance of the engagement more real. Even if that meant a chip from a mall store, or whatever it may be, at least I know he gave it to me to represent the bigger picture: the promise...

Phooey. Who in the world said anything about THAT sentiment?? An engagement appearing ''more real'' with a bigger ring?? WHAT?? And ''had'' to buy for oneself if quite different than CHOOSING to buy or contribute. Ugh. Old fashioned isn''t the term I''d use for these attitudes.

To the OP -- personally, I''d be comfortable with up to 50% contribution. And I understand wanting a ring in line with *both* of your means rather than his alone (as he''s still in school). Good luck with your decision & upcoming engagement! Exciting!!

I never said bigger made it more real (you did)... I was implying the the appearance of any ring could make it feel more real. Truth is a ring isn''t totally necessary, it''s a tradition (and one that us PS''er''s obviously like

, myself included!) Read my next sentence... Even a chip to represent the bigger picture...
I don''t think that''s an attitude.

Bottom line... I agree with HollyS... an engagement ring should be gift. I personally want mine to be from him no matter what that meant as far as type of ring, necklace, size, whatever. I was just stating my personal view. Take it or leave it

The OP needs to think about all of it and decide for herself... If she seems ok with it then I totally support that. To each their own.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I think that is a highly individual choice. I know plenty of couples that had "joint accounts" and the guy just pulled money out of that account to buy the ring. As long as you would never resent him for not saving to buy you a ring yourself, and he doens''t feel ashamed about it - I personally don''t see the problem. Maybe you can share the cost and he can eventually pay you back?

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Date: 8/12/2008 4:30:04 PM
Author: HollyS
1) An engagement ring should be a gift. If you buy it, it really isn''t the same thing. Regardless of what he can''t afford and what you can afford. It is a promise from one person to another. It is not supposed to be a mutual expense.


2) You are already in the process of buying a home? Even though you won''t move in until you are engaged? How can two people, who cannot afford a ring, afford a house?


3) Rings do not have to be expensive; and they don''t have to be CZs.


Be willing to lower your expectations; at least for the short term. Get a ''big deal'' ring later.

Hello Holly,
Regarding point 2 (can''t seem to get computer to highlight parts of the quote!). The issue here is not whether or not I can afford a house, but whether it is appropriate to contribute towards my engagement ring.