should I pay for the E-ring?

[Linda W]

Date: 8/12/2008 5:01:29 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 8/12/2008 4:28:45 PM

Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/12/2008 4:17:55 PM

Author: CrookedRock

I would prefer to have something that I know he worked hard for and wanted to give me, than something I had to buy myself to make the appearance of the engagement more real. Even if that meant a chip from a mall store, or whatever it may be, at least I know he gave it to me to represent the bigger picture: the promise...

Phooey. Who in the world said anything about THAT sentiment?? An engagement appearing ''more real'' with a bigger ring?? WHAT?? And ''had'' to buy for oneself if quite different than CHOOSING to buy or contribute. Ugh. Old fashioned isn''t the term I''d use for these attitudes.

To the OP -- personally, I''d be comfortable with up to 50% contribution. And I understand wanting a ring in line with *both* of your means rather than his alone (as he''s still in school). Good luck with your decision & upcoming engagement! Exciting!!

Agree.


I see engagement as two people mutually deciding to marry one another. The ring was not important to me and I didn''t care to get it as a ''gift''. However, it was important to my husband that he propose with a ring. Then to which I replied...OK, if you *have* to get me a ring, then I would like it to be one that I would actually wear every day. We talked about what that would be, and he told me his budget, and then I asked if could put in x amount and get the ring I wanted.


So I have no problem with paying for part of it. For TGuy and me, it was a good, rational discussion...a tool you''ll find will take you far in marriage.

Double Ditto TGal: Although my DH proposed without a ring, he just said "We are getting married and that''s it", he wanted me to have a ring I really wanted. I contributed to it also. I also didn''t care to get it as a "gift", I do not believe in that, in fact I think it is silly. If both want to contribute to it, then do it. A ring is a ring, it is the marriage and love that is most important.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/12/2008 7:40:00 PM
Author: EmptyLeftHand

Date: 8/12/2008 4:30:04 PM
Author: HollyS
1) An engagement ring should be a gift. If you buy it, it really isn''t the same thing. Regardless of what he can''t afford and what you can afford. It is a promise from one person to another. It is not supposed to be a mutual expense.


2) You are already in the process of buying a home? Even though you won''t move in until you are engaged? How can two people, who cannot afford a ring, afford a house?


3) Rings do not have to be expensive; and they don''t have to be CZs.


Be willing to lower your expectations; at least for the short term. Get a ''big deal'' ring later.

Hello Holly,
Regarding point 2 (can''t seem to get computer to highlight parts of the quote!). The issue here is not whether or not I can afford a house, but whether it is appropriate to contribute towards my engagement ring.

I''m sorry, I''m confused. Perhaps I shouldn''t be, but . . .

If HE cannot afford a ring, then HE is not affording the house by himself, and YOU are obviously contributing to (or buying) the house, that YOU said YOU would not move in to without being engaged . . .

Why would you contribute to a house you would not live in, except under these conditions that you have set? If the ring has little importance when compared to a home, (which it does, or you guys would not have bought the house first), what''s the dilemma? Get a lovely ring for less; they are available. If he truly cannot afford anything, then call yourselves engaged, and do without for now.

 

[nclrgirl]

Hi Empty! My FI bought the setting himself. Then we picked out the diamond together. He was going to pay for part (>50%) in cash (the amount he had saved) and the rest on his credit card to get me what I wanted. I ended up insisting on paying in cash the amount over the cash that he had saved.

It worked for us. Neither of us felt bad about it...at least I don''t remember feeling bad about it and I''m sure he doesn''t.

 

[CrookedRock]

TGal, Linda, And Deco. Very glad you ladies are happy with how you came to acquire your erings. That is all that matters. I am also very happy in the way mine was given to me. Once again... to each their own... I was just stating my general opinion on the subject.

Holly... Your post makes a very valid point.

 

[TryingAgain]

I think there is ZERO wrong with helping your S/O pay for your ring. My S/O would never let or I totally would. Then again he won''t even accept an heirloom diamond from my family. He feels like it should be 100% out of his pocket and if that''s what he wants I am not going to argue. So definitely discuss it with your boyfriend.

That being said... It really isn''t about the ring to me. I know it''s hard to believe since I am here on PS and if you saw my jewelry box you''d know I am a total jewelry/diamond addict. But honestly... If all S/O could afford was a plain silver band I would not hesitate to say yes if he proposed. I want him, always, and only him no matter what kind of ring comes with him.

Side Note: One of my co-workers was engaged with no ring and did a court house wedding with white gold bands. For her 4th wedding anniversary she got a .5 ct solitaire. She is 54 and is rocking a .5 solitaire and could care less... In fact she was mad he even spent money on that. Yet they are honestly the two most in love and happily married people I have EVER met.

My point is that it''s all about what you and S/O are comfy with. Do not let society dictate it whatsoever.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

***I am about to make up numbers for the sake of argument, and as I have not actually shopped for an engagement ring and don't know what these numbers would buy exactly, the numbers are merely place holders. I'm saying that now so no one grills me on how "you can get a such and such ring for xxxx dollars that is just lovely! Look at xyz's ring; are yo usaying you wouldn't love to have tht ring??!!"



If my boyfriend had saved and saved and come up with 4,000 dollars, and I happened to love a ring that cost 6,000 dollars, I would have no problem contributing the 2,000 dollars. That being said, if I thought he was just being stubborn because he hates jewelry for himself, but he has no problem spending 6,000 dollars on a new plasma tv and golf equipment and speakers... then I would be resentful. To me, it is all about the generosity of the gift, and the spirit in which it was given. Also, if he had an emotional investment in paying for the entire ring himself, then I would be happy to accept what he could afford. That's just MY personal opinion for my future ring. In reality, the second he asks me to marry him, our finances are going to become linked. Any debt he creates now becomes my debt once we are married, so I see no problem with a woman choosing to contribute to the ring.


A few days ago, my boyfriend was joking about how we don't need a ring to express our love for each other... oh how he loves to tease me. I laughed, and told him, "YOu are right. We don't need a ring to express our love, but I've been waiting for an engagement before I had a diamond ring. So if you ask me to marry you without a ring, I'll shout yes and kiss you a million times and still go out and buy myself some sparkly awesomeness the next day!" That shut him up

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/12/2008 8:37:27 PM
Author: CrookedRock
TGal, Linda, And Deco. Very glad you ladies are happy with how you came to acquire your erings. That is all that matters. I am also very happy in the way mine was given to me. Once again... to each their own... I was just stating my general opinion on the subject.

Holly... Your post makes a very valid point.

Hey, your opinion is as valid as everyone else''s! And I wouldn''t mind getting that ring of yours as a gift, I''ll tell ya that!

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Hey girl.

If you''re comfortable with the idea of paying for it, then go for it! True, while not quite as romantic, you could just cut him a check and then let him do the shopping- that way, you still have an element of surprise and you can let him pick it.

If you are going to marry him, you certainly don''t want to push him into debt- his will be yours one day and debt isn''t a great thing!

You don''t have to tell people that you bought it- he can still make the proposal romantic, and maybe he can buy you something else really special later on down the line once he can afford it....

I''d say go for it, if you''re cool with the idea!

 

[nclrgirl]

This is a really interesting thread. It''s so neat that there are other girls out there who contributed to buying their e-rings too!

I must say though, food for thought. I also offered to pay for both of the wedding rings because he did spend more money on the e-ring than I did and this was another step toward making it "even". I like the idea of even, but I do wish that I had taken FI up on his offer to buy my wedding band (for sentimental reasons). I feel like I''ll always be more attached to my e-ring because it was a gift from my sweetie and bought by the both of us. But I''m guessing after the ceremony when the rings are blessed and we say our vows, I''ll be very attached to that wedding band regardless of who paid for it because of what it symbolizes...

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/12/2008 9:40:56 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 8/12/2008 8:37:27 PM

Author: CrookedRock

TGal, Linda, And Deco. Very glad you ladies are happy with how you came to acquire your erings. That is all that matters. I am also very happy in the way mine was given to me. Once again... to each their own... I was just stating my general opinion on the subject.

Holly... Your post makes a very valid point.

Hey, your opinion is as valid as everyone else''s! And I wouldn''t mind getting that ring of yours as a gift, I''ll tell ya that!

Me either CR, I will gladly take your ring as a gift anytime. You know we LOVE your ring!!!

It is one of my very favorites, here on PS.

Linda

 

[ringless]

Uh, yeah! I totally think it is ok to help pay for your e-ring.

 

[CrookedRock]

Thank you Linda and TGal!

 

[blondie23]

Date: 8/12/2008 8:05:37 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 8/12/2008 7:40:00 PM
Author: EmptyLeftHand

Date: 8/12/2008 4:30:04 PM
Author: HollyS
1) An engagement ring should be a gift. If you buy it, it really isn''t the same thing. Regardless of what he can''t afford and what you can afford. It is a promise from one person to another. It is not supposed to be a mutual expense.


2) You are already in the process of buying a home? Even though you won''t move in until you are engaged? How can two people, who cannot afford a ring, afford a house?


3) Rings do not have to be expensive; and they don''t have to be CZs.


Be willing to lower your expectations; at least for the short term. Get a ''big deal'' ring later.

Hello Holly,
Regarding point 2 (can''t seem to get computer to highlight parts of the quote!). The issue here is not whether or not I can afford a house, but whether it is appropriate to contribute towards my engagement ring.

I''m sorry, I''m confused. Perhaps I shouldn''t be, but . . .

If HE cannot afford a ring, then HE is not affording the house by himself, and YOU are obviously contributing to (or buying) the house, that YOU said YOU would not move in to without being engaged . . .

Why would you contribute to a house you would not live in, except under these conditions that you have set? If the ring has little importance when compared to a home, (which it does, or you guys would not have bought the house first), what''s the dilemma? Get a lovely ring for less; they are available. If he truly cannot afford anything, then call yourselves engaged, and do without for now.

Holly, how do you know he is not paying for the house by himself?? What if he is using ALL of the money he has as a down payment which doesn''t leave him with enough for the ring????

I think you have a very valid point, but I felt the part about "If HE cannot afford a ring, then HE is not affording the house by himself, and YOU are obviously contributing to (or buying) the house" might not be accurate. The OP never indicated one way or the other how the house was being paid for and you just assumed that he couldn''t afford the house. You may be absolutely right, but until the OP clarifies, you''re just making an assumption.

To the OP, I think it is perfectly fine for you to contribute to your ering.

 

[anchor31]

I paid for the setting, which represented about 20% of the cost of the e-ring. In the end, we ended up paying 50/50 for our rings (he had no e-ring, but his w-band was a lot more expensive than mine). The reasoning behind our decision, however, had nothing to do with carat size, romance or whether it''s a gift or not, but simply because I had told him I would buy him something as an engagement gift, and he went out and bought it for himself. I wasn''t too happy about that, and he agreed to let me pay for my e-ring setting to compensate. (I know it sounds kinda bad, but I was a student and he just didn''t want me to spend money on him... and the setting ended up costing less than the gift I had intended to give him.)

Personally, I think that like most things, it''s different strokes for different folks. I''m not too stuck up on tradition so I didn''t mind doing it. I don''t see the ring as much as a gift than a symbol of a joint decision. We discussed engagement for 9 months before he proposed and picked the ring together, so why not buy it together? There are no absolutes on this. If your FF is okay with it, I don''t see why you shouldn''t do it. Just be careful about what your motivations are.

 

[Blair138]

Everyone''s said it a million times so far, when you get married, your finances usually get shared, so if he goes into debt you will end up paying for it later. I see nothing wrong with contributing now so that there is no debt later, or even just because you want to be an equal partner. To each his own, if he''s cool with it and you are, do it.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Hi EmptyLeftHand,

In my opinion, this can be simple. First -- and most importantly -- do what makes you both happy. That is most important... always.

If it were me in your financial situation, I''d be pleased with a very modest E-ring that was 100% him, a more financially precious wedding band to which I contributed and would be pleased with over the years, and we''d both look forward to celebrating his future post-graduate successes with lovely anniversary piece at an appropriate place in the future. Don''t forget the benefit to building a life together as a married couple: you can have many happy things to both look forward to, and plan for, together.

f-d-l

 

[LaraOnline]

I don''t think he''ll feel ''less of a man''...I think he''ll feel relieved!! Happy wife, happy life... no-one wants the stress and drama that goes with an unsatisfied wife.

I''m not so sure you should suck it up and go for a real cheapie, less than you really want. But don''t necessarily expect him to think you''ve done him a favour...
If he''s going for the house, rather than the engagement ring first, it could be that he''s not a ''jewellery man'' himself. He may always see jewellery as unnecessary expense...

You might have a time of it talking him into upgrading your ring later, if he feels he''s done the whole thing once already.

Contributing yourself may also help you appreciate your ring more, as well. It''s always harder to part with the readies when you yourself have to raise them! The bottom line does matter - but it shouldn''t be the be all and end all.

 

[ladypirate]

I see absolutely nothing wrong with it--as long as you both are comfortable with it, then it's fine.

 

[bettina]

It was important to him that he spent a decent amount on me, but I spend a very modest amount on him. That being said, with life changes I''ve been known to make a payment or two on my e-ring and it hasn''t been a big deal. I wouldn''t mind going 50/50 on a ring.

 

[trillionaire]

A friend of mine wants a 2ct ring. She says that is what she wants and intends to have, and will be more than happy to help pay for it. honestly, no one is going to ask you who paid for the ring, they are just going to admire it. Do what works for the both of you, and what makes you happy!

 

[gwendolyn]

Interesting points all around in this thread, as per usual.

My opinion is the same it's always been, and I'm in a similar situation to you, EmptyLeftHand, so maybe it might work for you too? I make and probably always will make more money than my boyfriend, J. Maybe if I didn't, I'd think differently about this engagement thing--I doubt it, but maybe. I also am a sentimental old fool and don't envision an upgrade at any point in my future, so my first ring will be my forever ring.

Anyway, what works for us is that we'll both be contributing money to two engagement gifts for ourselves (why should I be the only one to get an awesome prezzie?), and when we have enough money for both, we'll put in the orders, get the goods, and then he'll propose (which at that point will be a technicality, but who cares? I want the memory

). I like the idea of us both putting money towards the symbol of our intent to spend our lives together, and I know I will feel better deciding every last detail (which will put J's mind at ease, as I know he was feeling freaked about having to buy something that would meet with my high standards and specific taste) if I have invested money in it myself. I wouldn't want to be the spoiled brat who has her boyfriend's credit card (not that we'd EVER go into debt for a ring) and just points to the most expensive thing in there with no real understanding of what it takes to save up that kind of money.

Bleh! That was quite a ramble, but give it a bit of time to let it sink in and go with your gut feeling on whether or not it's ok. For me, the more I thought about it, the more right it felt. Of course, talking with your boyfriend about his preferences and how he envisions things happening is essential too, and will help you figure out how you will feel long-term about contributing towards your engagement ring, I think. Hopefully the two of you will mesh and you'll feel confident that the decision was the best one for the two of you.

 

[bee*]

I think that if you''re happy to contribute or pay for it yourself, then go ahead and do it. I offered to pay for some of my ring but D was horrified that I did as he wanted to pay for it himself. It just doesn''t sound like you''re very happy with this option. I know that you won''t upgrade, I''m the same, but perhaps you can get a lovely Right hand ring in years to come. He really doesn''t have to spend much money to get a lovely ring now.

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Good morning all.

Thank you for all your contributions and thoughts thus far.
It seems – like most things- that it is largely a personal decision. I just wasn’t sure whether contributing was a major no-no. It seems that quite a few of you think it’s ok, so that’s interesting.

Finances within a relationship can certainly be difficult.
To give a bit of background, the balance financially between us is not equal at the moment. I am a doctor (don’t know the American/ worldwide grade equivalent, but I’ve been at it a few years!) my SO is a mature student. This may go some way to explaining the house situation Holly. Incidentally, I wasn’t meaning to bite your head off on that one, but the financing of that is a totally separate issue which I am comfortable with, as is he.

My SO is extremely generous and gets me the best of what he can afford, which is lovely. I would be happy to contribute towards the ring. I think the idea of “setting from me, stone from him” is a nice one. That way I could know exactly which part was from him. But as you say, if that was not acceptable to him then I wouldn’t do it.

I think that my motivation is genuine. I am not trying to bribe him, or pay him to propose or manipulate him in that way at all. If I just wanted a ring, I could log on to GOG, pick a stunner and have the thing on my finger by the weekend!

Bottom line (and thank you all for helping me come up with this)- if he proposes, and we decide to buy a ring we will discuss the budget and whether or not he is prepared to let me contribute towards that. If he says no, I will wear what I get happily. If he says yes, we’ll take it from there.
That sound OK?? I will keep you posted!

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/13/2008 5:25:47 AM
Author: bee*
I think that if you''re happy to contribute or pay for it yourself, then go ahead and do it. I offered to pay for some of my ring but D was horrified that I did as he wanted to pay for it himself. It just doesn''t sound like you''re very happy with this option. I know that you won''t upgrade, I''m the same, but perhaps you can get a lovely Right hand ring in years to come. He really doesn''t have to spend much money to get a lovely ring now.

ah, I dunno. I bought a really cheap ring - happily - and a pretty one it is too.
I always thought I would easily upgrade if/when the time came.
Unfotunately, now that I am hankering for an upgrade, I will be sorry to put this one the shelf... and my husband is generally supportive... but I have to save for the whole thing myself (housewife''s wages). Which takes the fun out somewhat haha

But yes, I love my husband, want to celebrate my marriage, and I want a ''big girl''s'' engagement ring/wedding set.
Sorry, world, for sounding like a spoilt brat. But an eternity added to this set would just be laughable.

So I say, go for the best quality you can afford, something you can keep for the long term. (Not the flashiest, biggest or most expensive, btw!) And if that means putting your own money into it, more power to you. Restraint is called for, but not outright martyrdom. They (the men) don''t see getting a cheap ring as a sacrifice at all, they just see it as ''job done''.

Do I sound frustrated?

lol

 

[neatfreak]

ELH: I think that sounds like a very wise thing to do. And there are always anniversary rings.

Best of luck!

 

[Babyblue033]

This thread is very interesting, both in different point of views on how people perceive the engagement ring, and how each couple handles the financial aspects of the e-ring purchase.

Personally, since e-ring is a symbol of our commitment, I didn’t see it as a GIFT from him to me but something that both of us should put our heart into. So together we chose the stone and the setting, and honestly the whole experience we went through together for this ring is something I’ll always treasure. Once the ring was ready it was all up to him to decide when and how to propose, and we were quite happy with this arrangement.

As far as the finances are concerned, we’ve been living together for 5 years and already have a joint account (we both have our own checking, then have a join savings) so however much money we would spend was coming out of OUR money. But honestly, we never discussed whether or not HE was paying for the ring or WE were paying for the ring, because at the end of the day it simply didn’t matter in our situation. If anything, it made me want to spend LESS than perhaps I would’ve if we weren’t already sharing money, because I knew exactly how it’ll impact our bank accounts.

It really works differently for different couples, and if you and your SO are both ok with the decision, however unconventional it is, then you should do what makes you happy.

 

[Booper717]

I agree with what alot of other have said on here. I think that the purchase of an e-ring is something personal and as long as you & your SO discuss it ahead of time and agree on the method of payment that''s all that really matters.

I think it''s neat to see that so many ppl are starting to look at the e-ring as a joint purchase. I always kinda thought it should be looked at as the first investment the two of you make together.

I didn''t contribute anything except my small knowledge of diamonds to my e-ring, however I asked about it.

A long time ago I was with this guy, and we had a bad relationship but I wouldn''t let anyone tell me that. I was honestly just young and naive. Well anyway, turns out he got the idea in his head to propose to me, so he went and ordered an e-ring... here''s the kicker... he used my credit card!! No I''m not joking. Soooo... when this was brought to light he was very good with the sweet persuasion that lead me to keep the ring, thinking I would be payed back entirely. I ended up getting $300.00 on a $4,0000.00 ring. So we never even made it to engagment (needless to say) and I was the one who had to take money from my savings and pay off my credit card. I should have done the right thing in the beginning and kicked his a** for doing something like that, but like I said... I was so naive... live and learn. Anyways, so now I have this beautiful 1 caret princess cut e-ring that is just LOVELY sitting in a box in my house for years

. When my current SO and I began talking about engagments I asked him if he''d want the ring to get the diamond reset or if he''d want to sell the ring and use that money to go towards the e-ring he''d be buying me. He refused. He entertained the idea of resetting the diamond for a bit, but ONLY if he could buy the diamond from me frist, he was very admit about not wanting me to put 1 red cent into this purchase (probably because of my horrible past experiance). Then he decided why should he pay me for the diamond, and reset it when he take that money and get me an entirely new ''from him'' e-ring. Now that I think about it i''m glad he did. He new what he wanted (round solitare) and the princess cut is lovely, but just not what he wanted to give me.

Anyways, sorry for blabbing.. I was just giving an example on how each situation can be diffrent. My SO has strongly believes that an e-ring should be from the man as a gift. And while he didn''t want me to contribute any sum of money towards the ring, he had no problem pointing out the welder he''d like as and engagment gift!!! Me, I think whatever the couple is comfortable with works great!! I think your idea of you buy the setting, he buys the diamond is a great idea! Not only does it make it a joint and fair purchase, but then if down the road you want to have it reset you wonl''t feel guilty!!!

Goodluck!

 

[ladypirate]

One other thought--I mentioned this to SO last night and he suggested buying bands now and then getting the traditional e-ring as your proper wedding band, so kind of doing things in reverse. Would that be a possibility?

 

[vita*dolce]

i intend to pitch in some on my e-ring. i think it''s an extremely personal decision, and it''s no one''s business but yours. if you and your SO are happy to make that purchase together, then you should! you''re finances will be shared soon enough anyway!! so many men go into debt buying engagement rings for their fiancees but they''ll be sharing that debt soon enough. better to avoid it from the start!!

 

[LostSapphire]

22 years ago he paid for my ring.

2 years ago I lost it.

New ring is almost ready. And this time, I have to pay (and it''s WAY more money now!)

sorry, I couldn''t resist injecting a little giggle to the thread.

LS