Six-year anniversary? Great! Proposal? Not even close.

[WeightLifterChick]

Hi ladies,

I don''t post here very often, but I lurk sometimes. I love reading the engagement stories and seeing photos of everyone''s beautiful rings!

Anywho, today my boyfriend and I celebrate six years together

He is taking me to dinner at Ruth Chris (the steakhouse) and we''re going to make a nice evening out of it. We do love each other, and in my opinion, we have a solid relationship.

However, the issue of marriage has been brought up in our household before, and he says he is not ready (we will both be 26 this year). We had a long talk about it in November, after I thought he would propose on a December trip to Washington, DC. The proposal didn''t happen, but we talked about it beforehand, so I knew it wasn''t coming, and I wasn''t completely let down and disappointed. His feelings are that we are too young to be engaged and/or married, and that he wants to wait until we''re 29-30 to be engaged.

I know a proposal isn''t coming tonight. I am almost positive that he bought me a 1 ct. pair of studs or this beautiful 5-stone anniversary ring. Which are wonderful gifts! I''m not downplaying them at all. But I still can''t help but think of how wonderful a proposal would be. This may sound strange, but today I can''t help but feel a little sad, though I should be more than thrilled that we''re celebrating six long years together! Don''t get me wrong, I am happy to have such a wonderful relationship with a man I love, and who loves me. But I just wanted to vent (just a tad!), and I figured here would be a good place to do it.

Am I acting completely out of line and selfish? Someone sympathize with me, here.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Hey there, I don''t think you''re being selfish - you''re not complaining that you''re probably getting other gifts, you''re just disappointed that it''s not what you want - that being the actual proposal.

Six years is a long time, I''m there myself, so I can understand you wanting to jump that hurdle and just get on to planning your lives together. Don''t worry about being selfish - you''re not. You would be if you were acting like a brat throwing a temper tantrum about it - but at least you know you''re headed in that direction - maybe he''ll surprise you before 3 years from now?

Get out your frustration here, go home, get all purty, and enjoy your evening with your man.

 

[Codependent Gal]

I know how you feel. I got a pair of earrings for Valentine''s Day. When I saw the jewelry box I thought "Oh please God, let it be a ring". The earrings are very nice and I like them a lot, but there was definitely some disappointment there.

Has anyone ever seen the movie "Love Stinks"? The girlfriend wants to get married, but the boyfriend doesn''t want to. They go on a romantic trip for Valentine''s Day, and he says that he thinks that they should wait for a year and see if they are still getting along and then they can get engaged. The following year she does everything she can to make him see what a wonderful wife she would be, and everything goes really well. On the next Valentine''s Day, they return to the romantic condo on the beach where they had spent the previous holiday. He pulls out a jewelry box and presents it to her. She opens it, and it is a pair of huge diamond earrings. She says something along the lines of "What the #### is this?" and proceeds to run (in her lingerie) to the ocean and throws the earrings into the water. The guy meant that he would start to think about getting engaged in a year, and she expected that he would be proposing in a year. The movie is a comedy, and pretty funny. I would recommend it to girls who are experiencing LIW anxiety. You might not want to watch it with your boyfriends though.

 

[bee*]

I can understand how disappointing it is. I was going out with D for 6 years when I first started wanting to get engaged and after we had a chat, I found out that he hadn''t thought about it at all and that he wasn''t ready. He asked me to give him till the end of last year (which was two years from when we had our chat. I gave him that time a) as we wanted to get our ring in NY and we weren''t going back there for another 18 months from the time we had our chat b) as I believed him when he said that it was me he wanted to marry, he just wasn''t ready at that moment. He was a changed man when he did propose and wanted it so much. I guess what I''m trying to say is that even though it seems like ages until you guys will get engaged, time does fly and it is worth it, but I definitely understand that feeling of wanting to be engaged. Happy anniversary also!

 

[EugeniaForbes]

You''ve been together six years, but he wants leave to control the situation for 3 more? Suppose he doesn''t want to get married at that point -- will you have given up having children? Will you have to rush out to find another man with your biological clock ticking? I don''t get his thinking. Twenty six is PLENTY old enough to be married -- that "too young" argument wore out around age 24.

I can see why you''re let down. He''s keeping you in pain because he has a timetable that''s comfortable for him. I doubt that he sees it this way -- let him read my post. Perhaps it will make him think through his master plan again.

 

[WeightLifterChick]

Date: 2/19/2008 1:01:02 PM
Author: sweetjettagirl04
Hey there, I don''t think you''re being selfish - you''re not complaining that you''re probably getting other gifts, you''re just disappointed that it''s not what you want - that being the actual proposal.

Six years is a long time, I''m there myself, so I can understand you wanting to jump that hurdle and just get on to planning your lives together. Don''t worry about being selfish - you''re not. You would be if you were acting like a brat throwing a temper tantrum about it - but at least you know you''re headed in that direction - maybe he''ll surprise you before 3 years from now?

Get out your frustration here, go home, get all purty, and enjoy your evening with your man.

Thank you, sweetjettagirl

Your post made me feel better. I wish he would surprise me a few years early, but I know it''s not going to happen. I figure that if he is 26 years old, in guy years, that makes him around 22-23. He has a long way to go

I will get all decked out for tonight, and make sure to drink a lot of wine

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/19/2008 1:10:46 PM
Author: EugeniaForbes
You''ve been together six years, but he wants leave to control the situation for 3 more? Suppose he doesn''t want to get married at that point -- will you have given up having children? Will you have to rush out to find another man with your biological clock ticking? I don''t get his thinking. Twenty six is PLENTY old enough to be married -- that ''too young'' argument wore out around age 24.


I can see why you''re let down. He''s keeping you in pain because he has a timetable that''s comfortable for him. I doubt that he sees it this way -- let him read my post. Perhaps it will make him think through his master plan again.

Is she "in pain?" I didn''t read it that way. She sounds happy, but like she''d prefer to get engaged sooner rather than later. 25-turning-26 is hardly "oh my lord, time is running out!" age. If you love the guy and want to give him time to think it over, do it. If you think he''s just telling you what you want to hear, then say thanks but no thanks and find someone who''s closer to being ready for marriage.

I have a friend who just celebrated her 7 year anniversary, and they haven''t had ONE serious conversation about marriage. Know why? Because every time she tries to talk to him, he says, "do you REALLY want to talk about this now?" That scares her off, and so they never talk. I think I would''ve been done with that years and years and years ago, but she waits it out because she wants to be with him above all else. That''s her choice. You''ve gotten figure out how long you''re willing to wait. If he''s communicating, I''d be inclined to give him more time than my friend''s boyfriend, but that''s just me.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 2/19/2008 1:13:07 PM
Author: WeightLifterChick

Date: 2/19/2008 1:01:02 PM
Author: sweetjettagirl04
Hey there, I don''t think you''re being selfish - you''re not complaining that you''re probably getting other gifts, you''re just disappointed that it''s not what you want - that being the actual proposal.

Six years is a long time, I''m there myself, so I can understand you wanting to jump that hurdle and just get on to planning your lives together. Don''t worry about being selfish - you''re not. You would be if you were acting like a brat throwing a temper tantrum about it - but at least you know you''re headed in that direction - maybe he''ll surprise you before 3 years from now?

Get out your frustration here, go home, get all purty, and enjoy your evening with your man.

Thank you, sweetjettagirl

Your post made me feel better. I wish he would surprise me a few years early, but I know it''s not going to happen. I figure that if he is 26 years old, in guy years, that makes him around 22-23. He has a long way to go

I will get all decked out for tonight, and make sure to drink a lot of wine

No problem, I understand how you feel.

Make sure you get some champagne too, it makes it extra celebratory!

 

[WeightLifterChick]

Date: 2/19/2008 1:10:46 PM
Author: EugeniaForbes
You''ve been together six years, but he wants leave to control the situation for 3 more? Suppose he doesn''t want to get married at that point -- will you have given up having children? Will you have to rush out to find another man with your biological clock ticking? I don''t get his thinking. Twenty six is PLENTY old enough to be married -- that ''too young'' argument wore out around age 24.

I can see why you''re let down. He''s keeping you in pain because he has a timetable that''s comfortable for him. I doubt that he sees it this way -- let him read my post. Perhaps it will make him think through his master plan again.

Well, I don''t want children, and neither does he - so my biological clock isn''t an issue

He definitely does not see anything wrong with wanting to wait. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I''m in a stable, committed, loving relationship. On the other hand, yes, I would like to move our relationship to the next level (i.e., marriage) after six years.

Codependent Gal - I have never seen that movie, but it sounds hilarious! I''m sure a lot of us LIW can identify

 

[surfgirl]

WLC, I read your post and it reminded me of a similar post that was on here recently...One where the woman was frustrated that her bf wasn''t proposing but OTOH, he was quite open and clear about not being ready yet. I read the same thing in your post. No, you are not being selfish. But you also aren''t really hearing what your bf is telling you because you know he''s not ready but still, you''re hoping that he''ll surprise you anytime you go away, or there''s a special occasion or something like that. I can totally understand why you''d be frustrated if YOU are ready for marriage. But no matter how much you dont want to hear it, your bf is telling you HE is not ready yet. Yes it sucks when one party is ready for the next step and the other isn''t. But really, there isn''t anything you can do to make him ready. He''s got to get there on his own. Making him terrific dinners or being the "perfect potential wife" dont really make a guy ready. Dont ask me what does because men are a mystery to me! But I do know firsthand that you cant make them marry if they''re not 100% committed in their heads (and once they are ready, nothing can hold them back, they''re a lot like horses running to the barn!).

You DO have the power to take control over your own life however. I''m not a fan of "timelines" but if you are really unhappy then I think you need to take control over your own destiny and not allow a man to control your ultimate happiness. I know, I know, you love him! I understand that. BUT..there are plenty of other guys out there that you might love as much or more and they might be ready for marriage now, or sooner than your bf. So you really have to decide whether or not YOU can wait for your bf to hopefully catch up to you without being bitter or resentful. If you can, then go on and enjoy life with this man. If you feel you cant, then you need an exit strategy. One that might start with a heartfelt conversation with your bf, giving him your timeline, and moving on from there. The thing about timelines though, is that you have to be willing to follow through.

The issue someone brought up about kids seems a non issue at this point, IMO. You are quite young still and there is no reason you cannot have healthy children throughout your 30''s. That said, if you are vehemently opposed to having children in your 30''s and you have a reason for wanting them in your 20''s, then again, you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not.

Nobody here can really say what''s the right way to go for you. Only you can make that decision. However, I do think you might want to check out a good couples counselor - go alone or go with your bf. Your situation isn''t an easy one and sometimes having a professional to help you untangle all the relationship threads is very helpful. I know it helped me a lot.

 

[Independent Gal]

Codependent (love the name btw

), that sounds like a HORROR movie to me. She throws DIAMONDS in the OCEAN?!!?!? What is wrong with that woman?

But seriously, Weightlifter you have to ask yourself if you can get through 3 years without getting resentful. Lots of women on here have posted about how the resentment finally killed their love. Is your guy willing to compromise? Do you understand WHY he wants to wait three more years?

 

[WeightLifterChick]

Date: 2/19/2008 1:19:12 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Is she ''in pain?'' I didn''t read it that way. She sounds happy, but like she''d prefer to get engaged sooner rather than later. 25-turning-26 is hardly ''oh my lord, time is running out!'' age. If you love the guy and want to give him time to think it over, do it. If you think he''s just telling you what you want to hear, then say thanks but no thanks and find someone who''s closer to being ready for marriage.

I have a friend who just celebrated her 7 year anniversary, and they haven''t had ONE serious conversation about marriage. Know why? Because every time she tries to talk to him, he says, ''do you REALLY want to talk about this now?'' That scares her off, and so they never talk. I think I would''ve been done with that years and years and years ago, but she waits it out because she wants to be with him above all else. That''s her choice. You''ve gotten figure out how long you''re willing to wait. If he''s communicating, I''d be inclined to give him more time than my friend''s boyfriend, but that''s just me.

No, I definitely do not think he''s just telling me what I want to hear. I know that neither of us would be investing time in this relationship if we didn''t think it was going anywhere. We''ve been dating since we were at a young age (20), and that is something I always consider when I think about our relationship and marriage. When we were in college, the last thing I thought about was marriage. It''s only over the last 6 months to a year that I''ve felt ready, but he''s slacking in that department a bit

Not in the boyfriend department - not in the least! Just in the marriage aisle (excuse the silly pun).

We have had conversations about marriage, both positive (where said wedding will take place, that yes, we do want to be married - eventually - what my ring would look like, what type of future we want together), but the "when" part is the hurdle we can''t get past. Or maybe it''s just me who can''t get past it.

At any rate, I am going to enjoy tonight with the BF and enjoy my new bling

And yes, champagne is a great idea!

 

[Codependent Gal]

Date: 2/19/2008 1:41:31 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Codependent (love the name btw

), that sounds like a HORROR movie to me. She throws DIAMONDS in the OCEAN?!!?!? What is wrong with that woman?

But seriously, Weightlifter you have to ask yourself if you can get through 3 years without getting resentful. Lots of women on here have posted about how the resentment finally killed their love. Is your guy willing to compromise? Do you understand WHY he wants to wait three more years?

Well, she actually tricks him, and it is later revealed that she snuck the earrings out of the box before she threw it into the water. He spends the entire night on the beach with a metal detector looking for them though.

 

[gwendolyn]

Wasn''t there someone who recently said their boyfriend wanted to wait 5 years to get engaged (or married), and 10 past that to start having kids, but some time passed and now they''re either engaged or soon to be engaged (and it''s been more a matter of months, not years) and the BF/FI is talking about starting a family right away after they get married?

Hmm...designchica, was that you? I could be messing up the timeframes, because my memory is terrible.

Anyway, the point is that, even though they say, "I won''t be ready for X years," that might be the case, or it might not be. Maybe once it stops hanging over his head and he can have some quality time to think about it and not feel under pressure, maybe he''ll realize he actually is ready.

I''m not saying this to give you false hope that your 3 years will turn out to be 3 weeks. I bring it up because sometimes, for some people, they have to get there in their own time. I just started a thread a few days ago about my situation, and if I brought my boyfriend back to the US with me (we''re in the UK now), we''d have to be MARRIED in 90 DAYS. This is so so so SO not ok with me, but he said he would be perfectly happy to do that! So in our case, he is very ready and I am not. If he tried to push me, that would only make me feel less inclined to get married, because I don''t want to rush things (even though I''ll be 30 next month

). I take marriage very seriously; maybe your guy does too?

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

WLC - I was talking to my best friend this morning about the anxiety I''m feeling, and I wanted to share her advice, because I think it''s something that I definitely need to follow (she just got married in September and was with her BF for 7 years with a 3 year old by the time they got married) because of how anxious I can be.

She said "What are some of the reasons that J fell in love with you in the first place? What were your interests, what did he compliment you on, what did you talk about together? Don''t forget to be who you are. That''s who he wants to marry. If you want my opinion, the best way to remind him about getting engaged is be all those things he loves, and that''s it."

From what I gather, I don''t think you''re necessarily obsessing over getting engaged ASAP - but don''t forget why you''re together in the first place.

Have a great evening with him, sweetie, and don''t worry about anything else.

 

[WeightLifterChick]

Date: 2/19/2008 1:41:31 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Codependent (love the name btw

), that sounds like a HORROR movie to me. She throws DIAMONDS in the OCEAN?!!?!? What is wrong with that woman?

But seriously, Weightlifter you have to ask yourself if you can get through 3 years without getting resentful. Lots of women on here have posted about how the resentment finally killed their love. Is your guy willing to compromise? Do you understand WHY he wants to wait three more years?

I will preface this by saying this is all according to him. We have differing opinions over this, but I''m just posting what he has said in previous conversations about marriage.

He wants to wait because he feels that, quote, "We''re too young." I grew up in a small town and have been to a few weddings for my classmates already. When I was 21-22, I had NO urge to tie the knot whatsoever. None. A few of my friends did, and that is their perogative. When we talked about marriage, he asked me if I wanted our union to end in divorce, because if we married young, that is what would happen.

His parents are miserably married. Miserably. They fight constantly, and in front of us. I strongly believe that, in his eyes, this is a primary reason for his avoiding the marriage commitment for the next few years. I honestly do not know if resentment will kill anything, or if I''ll just put it in the back of my mind and keep going along. My mother, who is now on her third marriage, puts it this way: Either you put up with it, or you get sick of their (men) behind and dump them. Very plain spoken, I know. I''m definitely not at that make or break point yet.

I know that there is nothing I can do to make him ready. Trust me - I don''t cook, and I don''t act like a wife

And yes, what makes a guy ready really is a mystery, one we will probably never know.

 

[Aloros]

If he''s not ready, he''s not - and I''m willing to bet it has nothing to do with you.

But I have to wonder what makes him feel as if he is not ready? 26 is not that young, and 6 years is a long time to be dating someone. I''m 25 and engaged, and will be 26 when we get married. Is he still in school? Does he not have a stable job yet? Is he working toward something he wants to have before proposing to you (a house, for example)? If he''s still in school or not fully on his own, he may not feel "grown up" yet.

Is there a chance you can ask him what exactly is holding him back?

 

[gwendolyn]

Aloros, maybe 26 isn''t too young for you, but it would DEFINITELY have been too young for me (ugh, the guy I was with then! No way!). I''m almost 30 and I''m not ready, and it doesn''t have anything to do with how much money I make or how long I''ve lived away from home. I''m just not ready yet. I don''t like that it''s assumed that there must be something wrong with someone if they aren''t ready by the time other people are.

 

[WeightLifterChick]

Date: 2/19/2008 1:59:12 PM
Author: Aloros
If he''s not ready, he''s not - and I''m willing to bet it has nothing to do with you.

But I have to wonder what makes him feel as if he is not ready? 26 is not that young, and 6 years is a long time to be dating someone. I''m 25 and engaged, and will be 26 when we get married. Is he still in school? Does he not have a stable job yet? Is he working toward something he wants to have before proposing to you (a house, for example)? If he''s still in school or not fully on his own, he may not feel ''grown up'' yet.

Is there a chance you can ask him what exactly is holding him back?

We''re both out of college and have stable jobs. I do public/media relations for a state agency, and he is an IT systems administrator at Florida Atlantic University. No issues with school or job stability. We have talked about buying a home, but we have a way to go in saving for one. He recently bought a much-needed new car and is paying it off in two years, so a lot of extra cash on his side is going to car payments. He may want us to own a home before the engagement comes. This sounds embarrassing, but I actually haven''t given that much thought.

Most of the time, I think that he doesn''t feel "grown up" yet because he doesn''t want to

 

[surfgirl]

WLC, I'd think seriously before owning a home with someone I'm not yet engaged to...It's a risky situation...Also, I read your last sentence with much interest. You intimate that he's still a kid in his head, so to speak. This is a problem with a lot of guys...Let me re phrase, to me, there are "guys" and there are "men". "Guys" cant commit, "men" get married. At least that's been my experience. Can a "guy" morph into a "man"? Absolutely. But there's no known way to hurry the process along. But not all "guys" want to grow up to me "men".

 

[Livinthedream]

Date: 2/19/2008 1:41:31 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Codependent (love the name btw

), that sounds like a HORROR movie to me. She throws DIAMONDS in the OCEAN?!!?!? What is wrong with that woman?

But seriously, Weightlifter you have to ask yourself if you can get through 3 years without getting resentful. Lots of women on here have posted about how the resentment finally killed their love. Is your guy willing to compromise? Do you understand WHY he wants to wait three more years?

I think this is the important question. Not under the same circumstances, but my BF and I came to a point and we BOTH had to compromise. You are ready now, and he wants 3 years... so you compromise by waiting x amount, AND he compromises waiting only (a year and a half say- or however long you 2 decide on) then both of you are giving something. It''s not fair when you are on two different timelines for one person to to have to do all the compromising. And what if you do wait and he doesn''t come around to getting engaged married? He will see you just sucked it up and waited and he might think you will wait another 2 years for him to be ready. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Codependent Gal]

I don''t know why, but it seems like a lot of guys (my boyfriend included) equate being engaged with being married. He always says that he isn''t ready to be married yet. It doesn''t seem like he realizes that I want to be engaged for at least a year before we get married, so it''s not like I want to be married next week or anything. I think that being married is such a big deal for him that by the time he proposes he will be committed to me for the rest of his life (in his own mind anyway).

I told him that we need to be engaged soon. I can''t handle seeing another save the date or wedding invitation for a couple that has not been together as long as we have without at least being engaged. There is no way that I am going to any of the many upcoming weddings for these couples without a ring on my finger. I know that people say that it isn''t right to compare your own relationship to other people''s, but I can''t help it. These other couples who are getting married are the same age as us, they have similar backgrounds, levels of education and jobs as we do, so it just makes sense that we would all go through the stages of life at around the same time.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 2/19/2008 2:46:47 PM
Author: Codependent Gal
I don''t know why, but it seems like a lot of guys (my boyfriend included) equate being engaged with being married. He always says that he isn''t ready to be married yet. It doesn''t seem like he realizes that I want to be engaged for at least a year before we get married, so it''s not like I want to be married next week or anything. I think that being married is such a big deal for him that by the time he proposes he will be committed to me for the rest of his life (in his own mind anyway).


I told him that we need to be engaged soon. I can''t handle seeing another save the date or wedding invitation for a couple that has not been together as long as we have without at least being engaged. There is no way that I am going to any of the many upcoming weddings for these couples without a ring on my finger. I know that people say that it isn''t right to compare your own relationship to other people''s, but I can''t help it. These other couples who are getting married are the same age as us, they have similar backgrounds, levels of education and jobs as we do, so it just makes sense that we would all go through the stages of life at around the same time.

i would be careful of falling into this mindtrap, codependant. just because people look similar on paper it doesn''t mean that they have the same life experiences, desires or priorities as each other. and the last one is a big one. i know it is easy to buy into the idea that "earlier" is "better", but that''s just not the case. somebody shouldn''t take pride in getting to the alter in a certain amount of time, nor should they feel any shame that they got there after someone else. because no matter how much a girl can want it, it''s not worth much if you secretly know that your boyfriend was pushed into it, and isn''t truly ready.

 

[bee*]

Date: 2/19/2008 3:03:27 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 2/19/2008 2:46:47 PM

Author: Codependent Gal

I don''t know why, but it seems like a lot of guys (my boyfriend included) equate being engaged with being married. He always says that he isn''t ready to be married yet. It doesn''t seem like he realizes that I want to be engaged for at least a year before we get married, so it''s not like I want to be married next week or anything. I think that being married is such a big deal for him that by the time he proposes he will be committed to me for the rest of his life (in his own mind anyway).



I told him that we need to be engaged soon. I can''t handle seeing another save the date or wedding invitation for a couple that has not been together as long as we have without at least being engaged. There is no way that I am going to any of the many upcoming weddings for these couples without a ring on my finger. I know that people say that it isn''t right to compare your own relationship to other people''s, but I can''t help it. These other couples who are getting married are the same age as us, they have similar backgrounds, levels of education and jobs as we do, so it just makes sense that we would all go through the stages of life at around the same time.

i would be careful of falling into this mindtrap, codependant. just because people look similar on paper it doesn''t mean that they have the same life experiences, desires or priorities as each other. and the last one is a big one. i know it is easy to buy into the idea that ''earlier'' is ''better'', but that''s just not the case. somebody shouldn''t take pride in getting to the alter in a certain amount of time, nor should they feel any shame that they got there after someone else. because no matter how much a girl can want it, it''s not worth much if you secretly know that your boyfriend was pushed into it, and isn''t truly ready.

I''d agree with mimzy on this one. You have to do things on your own time, not due to the fact that all the couples around you are doing it. Also in terms of your bf relating being engaged with being married-I agree with him. Getting engaged means that you''re going to get married-maybe not next week, but you''re on the path to it. If he still doesn''t feel ready to get married, then I don''t think that he should get engaged. I think it''s great that he feels that marriage is such a big deal.

 

[WeightLifterChick]

Very true about doing things on your own time. Every couple really is different. My mother and stepdad dated nine years before they married last year. Everyone was wondering why they wouldn''t tie the knot, but my mom wanted to wait for his two youngest children to graduate high school and be close to graduating college, which they are both set to do in the next few months. Only then (with all of us out of the house, ha!) did she feel ready for marriage - and she was 50, he was 57.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 2/19/2008 3:31:54 PM
Author: bee*

Date: 2/19/2008 3:03:27 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 2/19/2008 2:46:47 PM

Author: Codependent Gal

I don''t know why, but it seems like a lot of guys (my boyfriend included) equate being engaged with being married. He always says that he isn''t ready to be married yet. It doesn''t seem like he realizes that I want to be engaged for at least a year before we get married, so it''s not like I want to be married next week or anything. I think that being married is such a big deal for him that by the time he proposes he will be committed to me for the rest of his life (in his own mind anyway).



I told him that we need to be engaged soon. I can''t handle seeing another save the date or wedding invitation for a couple that has not been together as long as we have without at least being engaged. There is no way that I am going to any of the many upcoming weddings for these couples without a ring on my finger. I know that people say that it isn''t right to compare your own relationship to other people''s, but I can''t help it. These other couples who are getting married are the same age as us, they have similar backgrounds, levels of education and jobs as we do, so it just makes sense that we would all go through the stages of life at around the same time.

i would be careful of falling into this mindtrap, codependant. just because people look similar on paper it doesn''t mean that they have the same life experiences, desires or priorities as each other. and the last one is a big one. i know it is easy to buy into the idea that ''earlier'' is ''better'', but that''s just not the case. somebody shouldn''t take pride in getting to the alter in a certain amount of time, nor should they feel any shame that they got there after someone else. because no matter how much a girl can want it, it''s not worth much if you secretly know that your boyfriend was pushed into it, and isn''t truly ready.

I''d agree with mimzy on this one. You have to do things on your own time, not due to the fact that all the couples around you are doing it. Also in terms of your bf relating being engaged with being married-I agree with him. Getting engaged means that you''re going to get married-maybe not next week, but you''re on the path to it. If he still doesn''t feel ready to get married, then I don''t think that he should get engaged. I think it''s great that he feels that marriage is such a big deal.

Ditto! Codependent Gal: just wait until you have to watch your first set of friends go through a divorce...then you''ll see the value in having patience. I am the last of my group of friends to be waiting for an engagement and I know that because of this everyone is waiting with baited breath for my SO and I to finally get engaged. To me, that''s an amazing feeling...to know that all my friends and family are probably just as excited as I am for the engagement to happen. And, as selfish as this sounds, the best part about being the last one to the altar means everyone has already been there, done that...so I can really shine on my special day knowing there are very few of my friends sitting through the ceremony with pent up LIW rage that they are not in my shoes.

WLC - When you feel it is appropriate I would try and talk to him again and explain that getting engaged does not mean married immediately. The reason I advocate this is because my SO told me, many moons ago, that he didn''t want to think about engagement until he was 30. He''s now 31 and still no engagement. Granted, we have been inching our way close and closer to it, it still has not happened. Sure I have my LIW moments but for the most part, I''m okay with our situation but we have discussed our future many many times so I feel comfortable with waiting a little longer. I keep the lines of communication wide open so that I do not find myself building resentment like I was for a very long time. If you want to have a long engagement you should definately let him know a ring doesn''t mean instant wedding just for your own peace of mind.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 2/19/2008 1:55:20 PM
Author: sweetjettagirl04
WLC - I was talking to my best friend this morning about the anxiety I''m feeling, and I wanted to share her advice, because I think it''s something that I definitely need to follow (she just got married in September and was with her BF for 7 years with a 3 year old by the time they got married) because of how anxious I can be.

She said ''What are some of the reasons that J fell in love with you in the first place? What were your interests, what did he compliment you on, what did you talk about together? Don''t forget to be who you are. That''s who he wants to marry. If you want my opinion, the best way to remind him about getting engaged is be all those things he loves, and that''s it.''

From what I gather, I don''t think you''re necessarily obsessing over getting engaged ASAP - but don''t forget why you''re together in the first place.

Have a great evening with him, sweetie, and don''t worry about anything else.

This was so true for me! Last month or 2 months ago, I came down with a severe case of LIW-itis. SO got frustrated and angry because it felt like all we talked about (read: I wanted to talk about) was marriage and rings etc. Once we cleared that up, among other things, everything''s been peachy in that regard. It really helped us to lay everything out on the table. I mean EVERYTHING. Then once you both know how the other is feeling, the engagement stuff can go on the backburner and you can focus on being happy together as BF/GF!

 

[tradergirl]

Heh Heh Heh. Read the story with this ring.

http://www.pearlmansjewelers.com/jewelry-specials/previously-owned-jewelry/rings/097PO1/0/

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 2/19/2008 9:02:12 PM
Author: tradergirl
Heh Heh Heh. Read the story with this ring.


http://www.pearlmansjewelers.com/jewelry-specials/previously-owned-jewelry/rings/097PO1/0/

Ouch! Wow...that probably taught him a lesson about waiting too long. Maybe the long term LIWs should forward that link to their boyfriends!

WLC, I am 26 and have been with my fiance for almost 5 years exactly. He''s 29, though, so he''s obviously a bit older than your boyfriend, which often seems to make a difference with guys. We got engaged about a year ago but I was ready probably 2 years ago. Waiting a year was definitely hard, and I obsessed about rings the entire time! However, I was positive we were going to get engaged in about that time frame, so I was okay with it deep down.

I personally would not have been okay with waiting 3 more years to get engaged once I was ready to be engaged, especially if there wasn''t some sort of milestone I was waiting for. (Graduate school to be over, etc.) What will happen in 3 years to make him ready? Maybe he just isn''t mature enough for marriage and he knows it...if so, good for him for knowing himself.

However, with what you said about his parents being in a miserable marriage, it might be a good idea for him to get some sort of counseling, maybe even couples counseling with you, to deal with that baggage. If you think that''s a big part of what''s holding him back (and I''m sure you''re right-that has to have a major effect on someone), I don''t see how he''ll get over that in 3 years without doing anything.

Most of all I guess you just have to decide if you''re really okay with waiting for 3 years to get engaged. I mean, a lot of people meet, date and get engaged or even married within 3 years, you know? If you really are fine with waiting and you believe he''ll be ready in 3 years, I would just try to enjoy your time with him without any unrealistic expectations of engagement. (Easier said than done, of course, but that''s all I''ve got!)

 

[WeightLifterChick]

Dinner was delicious last night. Ridiculously good!

I had wine (and lots of it), lobster bisque, the petit filet, potatoes au gratin and some sort of awesome apple tart for dessert. During dinner we talked, and he told me that it is money that is holding him back from proposing. Not money to buy the ring, he said that's not a problem, but money for the wedding. In the past, when we talked about what type of wedding we wanted, we decided that it would be a destination wedding in Costa Rica. Just us, and our two good friends, who would serve as the best man and maid of honor. We would spend 5-7 days there and get married on the beach, so that it's a wedding and a honeymoon all in one. Then, after we return, have a huge, casual party/reception with our families. Nothing fancy for the wedding, very private. Nothing fancy for the reception, either. I'm talking music and dancing, and traditional Cuban food (I'm Cuban, he's not). Thing is, he does not want any parental help with the wedding. He's very much a "I don't need any financial help" person, whereas I have depended more on my family for financial support in the past. Both my mom/stepdad and dad/stepmom have offered to help out with a future wedding, but BF has told me no, that it is something he wants to pay for himself.

He also said that what is standing in the way of proposing is the fact that he wants a house. He said it did not matter if it was just one of us who purchased the home (since I am weary about entering into a mortgage with someone whom I am not married to), but he would feel more stable and ready to settle down if we had a place to call ours. We currently live in South Florida, but we are considering moving to Austin, Texas, in July, renting for a year, then purchasing a house after that year. If the move doesn't work out, due to the possibility of a promotion with my current job, which would have us staying here in the area, then we would buy something in this area.

I asked him flat out if he was being 100 percent honest with what he was telling me, and he said yes. I said, "So you are telling me that when we decide on where we want to settle down and one of us buys a home, or if we decide to go in on it together, you would want to get engaged." He answered, "Yes." BTW, he knows that I would like to be engaged for at least a year before marrying.

I know that there are a lot of "What Ifs" in our moving and settling down plan right now, but in the next few months, those will work itself out. I think what's more important is that he did not say that he was scared of getting engaged or married. He told me what is holding him back, and I am glad that he was open and honest with me. I'm interpreting this as some progress and as something positive.

What do you ladies think?