Six-year anniversary? Great! Proposal? Not even close.

[WeightLifterChick]

Oh, I also wanted to add that the gift ended up being the earrings!

However, they haven''t arrived yet. He ordered them on February 4, and called on February 18 to ask where the heck they were. They''re scheduled to arrive "soon". I gave him a gift card to Best Buy toward the Denon home theatre receiver he really wanted (and already ordered).

 

[Lanie]

WeightlifterChick: I think the bottom line you should look at is this:

Am I willing to wait another 3 years to get engaged, making it a grand total of 9 years?

Or am I just going to go through this same disappointing feeling every holiday, everyone else''s wedding, etc? If you can''t handle that, you need to cut out now or give him the impression that you mean business and you''re out of here. What can he possibly gain in those 3 years besides more money? Could you have a less expensive wedding?

I don''t mean to be harsh, but if a guy loves you and you''ve been with him that long and he''s over the age of 26, he''s "just not into you". If he valued you and thought you were irreplacible, he would be proposing.

Does he ever say anything like "I don''t expect you to wait?" or "do what you think is best"? If he does, get out.

I was in a 7 year relationship and I waited on a ring for 3 years after he''d give hints about getting engaged. We even went to a marriage prep class, and I thought surely that would be it. A guy doesn''t want to get married until he wants to get married, end of story.

now I''m in a relationship with a guy who really wants to get married. He puts me first, and I swear, it''s like a night and day difference.

I haven''t read much of your posts, but I think you should value yourself and start making him realize that someone else will scoop you up and that you aren''t waiting around. Just my 2 cents...

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/20/2008 11:51:32 AM
Author: WeightLifterChick
I know that there are a lot of ''What Ifs'' in our moving and settling down plan right now, but in the next few months, those will work itself out. I think what''s more important is that he did not say that he was scared of getting engaged or married. He told me what is holding him back, and I am glad that he was open and honest with me. I''m interpreting this as some progress and as something positive.


What do you ladies think?

I think it sounds like progress as well. Sometimes I feel (as someone who isn''t ready for marriage herself) that some folks are pretty quick to throw the book at SOs who aren''t ready RIGHT NOW to get hitched. Sometimes there''s a good reason why we aren''t ready! Sounds like your boyfriend has some good reasons. If they make sense and work for you, that''s what matters. I''m glad you talked it over.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I'm glad you had a great time with him last night, and were able to talk to him about your future together. Your dinner sounds like it was awesome!

It's very relieving when you find out the real reason why he's waiting - and I think in this case it is a relevant point, with money being the issue. I think it's showing maturity in him that he isn't rushing into doing it and wants to be able to afford the wedding you both want and deserve.

I wouldn't rush to say "he's not into you" because obviously - he is. He's trying to get his ducks in a row, and that's commendable. Would you want to start your married life being in debt because of a wedding? No. And you shouldn't. I may be biased because I'm in a similar situation - we've been together for 6 years and he could have asked me sooner - but he wanted to be sure he could be stable before he asked me to marry him. What would it look like if he went to my dad when he was working odd jobs (that did get the bills paid) and down on himself for it? Not good - and that's why he waited. Sure, you can compromise on the budget for your wedding - but there is a cost associated with it, and if you have to wait to have the wedding you both want, don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing it. YOU know your relationship - NO ONE else - and YOU know what's best for you. We're just here with open ears and lots of different experiences. Sorry, I just get peeved when people automatically assume you need to dump a guy because it's been x-amount of years that you've been together and he hasn't proposed. You're 26 and have been together for 6 years and are just starting to get that bug, so it's not like he's been holding out on you for years now, you've said that yourself. I am a firm believer in giving the relationship a chance, not running away from the problem.

Yes, there are cases when this is necessary, and all of these people end up happier because of losing the 'dud', but every situation is different. If there are a million red flags in the relationship and someone is holding out for false promises, by all means, leave it. But, if there's a chance and a valid reason for it - give it a try. Geez. Sorry this is so long, but I've read a lot of posts lately where the OP is encouraged to get out of the relationship - and that's not always the best scenario. Or maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic!

Good luck with everything, and make sure to keep us updated!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I’d say it sounds like progress for sure! He was open and honest with you about his reasons and I believe that shows how much he is indeed into you.

My SO sounds similar to yours especially in the homeownership department. Having a home was an absolute must have for him to be prepared to propose. I did buy the house with him. I work in the legal field so I was able to draw up some very good documents to protect the BOTH of us in case of a split. The way I figured it, if I was paying ½ the mortgage as my “rent” I might as well get some of the equity.

He’s also very adamant about having enough money to pay for a large portion of the wedding/honeymoon ourselves. I’ve watched him cut back on a lot of his spending so I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/20/2008 2:18:41 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
I’d say it sounds like progress for sure! He was open and honest with you about his reasons and I believe that shows how much he is indeed into you.


My SO sounds similar to yours especially in the homeownership department. Having a home was an absolute must have for him to be prepared to propose. I did buy the house with him. I work in the legal field so I was able to draw up some very good documents to protect the BOTH of us in case of a split. The way I figured it, if I was paying ½ the mortgage as my “rent” I might as well get some of the equity.


He’s also very adamant about having enough money to pay for a large portion of the wedding/honeymoon ourselves. I’ve watched him cut back on a lot of his spending so I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

Sounds like progress for you and your honey too, my dear! That''s really great news.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Awww thanks Gwendolyn....I see little tiny indicators now and then...I try not to run away with them but, true to my screen name, I''m always keeping the faith alive

 

[Lanie]

Let me restate what I was trying to say bc I don''t want to represent myself. (I didn''t mean to make you upset SweetJettaGirl)

I believe that if you''re with a guy for a long time and he truly honestly is going to marry you, then by all means wait for it. Better to have it happen at a good time then for him to feel rushed and regret it.

BUT if you are with a guy who doesn''t really give you any concrete answers, or who keeps pushing the date back, pushing it back some more, with no real reason, then you need to let it go.

Again, I hadn''t read the posts by WeightLifterChick until just now, and it sounds more like an issue of him waiting for good reasons. Like someone else said, only you know what''s good for you. I''ve seen girls make excuses and they turn out miserable and wishing they hadn''t waited around, but this doesn''t sound like the case for you. He sounds like a solid guy, who just wants to enter the marriage at a good point financially. Can''t argue with that since most divorces happen because of money issues!

 

[iheartscience]

Well it sounds like you had a great night (and a delicious dinner-you''re making me hungry!) and a great talk! I''m glad you two made some progress!

The only thing that popped into my head was that the money thing for the wedding could be a bit of a stall, since there''s no reason that he has to pay for the wedding himself since both sets of your parents want to contribute. But it sounds like you think he''s being honest, and that''s what counts, since obviously you''re the one who knows him in real life!

I hope things continue to progress for you! And honestly. I think it''s great that you will talk about all this with him. So many posts here on the LIW forum are from ladies who are just scared/unwilling to talk about what they want with their boyfriends, and that drives me crazy! So good on you, I guess!

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 2/20/2008 4:27:54 PM
Author: Lanie
Let me restate what I was trying to say bc I don''t want to represent myself. (I didn''t mean to make you upset SweetJettaGirl)

I believe that if you''re with a guy for a long time and he truly honestly is going to marry you, then by all means wait for it. Better to have it happen at a good time then for him to feel rushed and regret it.

BUT if you are with a guy who doesn''t really give you any concrete answers, or who keeps pushing the date back, pushing it back some more, with no real reason, then you need to let it go.

Again, I hadn''t read the posts by WeightLifterChick until just now, and it sounds more like an issue of him waiting for good reasons. Like someone else said, only you know what''s good for you. I''ve seen girls make excuses and they turn out miserable and wishing they hadn''t waited around, but this doesn''t sound like the case for you. He sounds like a solid guy, who just wants to enter the marriage at a good point financially. Can''t argue with that since most divorces happen because of money issues!

Oh sweetie, don''t worry - you didn''t upset me. It''s just a generalization that I was talking about - for some reason I''ve noticed it''s quite common for people to suggest to leave the relationship instead of working on it. Like you said - there are instances where, yes, this is probably for the best - but more often than not, it seems like the "easy" way out.

Don''t think you upset me - you didn''t. Just the idea that someone would give up that easily doesn''t sit well with me!

 

[WeightLifterChick]

I just wanted to say thank you, ladies, for your input and comments! That is why I really like this forum. Everyone is honest, and we can all identify with each other when it comes to the experiences we go through as LIWs.

 

[LaraOnline]

Hi everyone, this is my first post!
I really feel for you, weightlifter chick, so I guess I wanted to put my two -cents, as I had to ''pay my dues'' like every other happily married woman, it seems!

The only thing is, I didn''t have to pay dues to the man I married! He took me just as I was, snapped me up in fact - but not before making another girl wait for years, for nothing. (And she was really lovely too, and very upset when her own story with him ended, I think he, too, might have been selfish, pleading ''youth'')


My own story is that I really did go ''to the ends of the earth'' for someone (an earlier boyfriend) who really was benefitting from my enthusiasm, and, for a variety of reasons, wasn''t really interested in my own motivations or best interests at all! No-one gave me any advice, except to let the man have his head and for me to be patient!


I wasted a lot of valuable time, and important opportunities, to please a guy that was perfectly happy letting me wait and wonder.

In some ways, it has affected my life, as when I did meet my perfect man, in my early thirties, we settled down and had children very quickly. In some ways I wish we met earlier, and had enjoyed more ''couple time'' together, did our travelling together etc. The other girlfriend got that. Cruel, huh! For both us babes.

I just couldn''t wait any longer than the honey moon for kids! The ol'' biological clock snuck up on me, faster and much more brutally than I would have thought. Having kids is ''an individual thing''. But let''s face it, having kids is a very important part of sexual expression for many women, regardless of what our culture and the men tell us!


Put your OWN happiness on the agenda FIRST, it sounds just what your guy is doing!
If that means paying off a house together, so that you are building a financial future for yourself, then consider it, I guess. But please do not sacrifice your future for a promise you haven''t even got from him yet! You have nothing to ''prove'' to him. You are already good enough!
If I had my own time again, I think I would be a lot more skeptical of guys!
And at the end of the day, a happy marriage is more important than marriage ''at any price''.


I hope you have found all our feedback useful. I hope you don''t think I''ve been too over-the-top with my weigh-in. All the best,
Lisa

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 2/21/2008 8:04:41 AM
Author: sweetjettagirl04

Oh sweetie, don't worry - you didn't upset me. It's just a generalization that I was talking about - for some reason I've noticed it's quite common for people to suggest to leave the relationship instead of working on it. Like you said - there are instances where, yes, this is probably for the best - but more often than not, it seems like the 'easy' way out.

Don't think you upset me - you didn't. Just the idea that someone would give up that easily doesn't sit well with me!

Hey, I'm kind of in that boat. That's why I watched this post instead of commenting straight away on it.

Last week, I had a phone session with a Mars-Venus counselor. $1 a minute was cheap and she was insightful. I wanted an honest opinion on my own situation (ie - is he panicking because of fear of failure or because he's genuinely "just not that into me."). She said that what my BF has done sounds like fear and behavior of a man who is overwhelmed with life. She said that people follow the 90/10 rule, which means that 90% of behavior is based on prior experience and only 10% hinges on present life. When men are overwhelmed, their first instinct is to "go into the cave" - ie, clam up, avoid conversation. Men = Cave. Women = Talk Out Issues With Friends. She also said that if he was "just not that into me," then he would avoid me entirely and make excuses not to get together with me. He would not bother calling me....would make excuses not to. And no man who was "just not that into me" would "endure my presence" for 5 days of vacation - especially since we are not going to an all-inclusive resort, but a city that I know well and he has never been there before. If he had any inkling that we wouldn't get along, it would make sense for him not to go...since essentially, he'd be without his tour guide, should he choose to venture out without me. Not his style.

I can also relate to what Lara posted: "In some ways, I wish we met earlier, and had enjoyed more 'couple time' together, did our travelling together etc. The other girlfriend got that. Cruel, huh!

Well, my BF's ex-wife "got that," and I understand exactly what Lara was getting at. My BF's ex got pregnant and trapped him (this seems to be the consensus of everyone who knew both of them way back when...and prior to meeting him, tried to trap another guy...and got an abortion when it failed to work). She pressured him for a ring and proposal and got it. She whined and b*tched and behaved in a dysfunctional, addicted manner through 20 years of marriage -- until he got sick of it all and divorced her. And she still causes him problems, since they have a minor child together. So where does this leave me? I am nothing at all like my BF's ex -- and he has remarked many times that I "came along 20 years too late." There are times when I feel that my BF's ex got the best parts of him in terms of his youth (he's 46 now) and enthusiasm for life, and left me (or whoever else he chooses to date) with his regrets over a misspent life and baggage.

A lot of people have said that I need to cut my losses with this one and just forget him. However, I want to see how things pan out first. The gray areas are gray - not black and white like some obvious deal-breakers are. What do I really have to lose? Another month or so on top of 2 years? Better than throwing the towel in now and then realizing later that I made a mistake. At least the extra time will reassure me (to myself) that I considered all the angles and made what I consider to be the best choice for me.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[WeightLifterChick]

Thanks, Lisa, for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate your input

Bridget, good luck in your decision. I''ve been following your posts and reading about your current situation. You sound like a wonderful, intelligent woman and I know that in the end, you will make the right decision

Today is a "bleh" day. Actually, the entire weekend has been that way. A friend of mine got engaged over the weekend, so though I am thrilled for her (Really! She and her now fiance make a wonderful couple), I was upset at my current situation. It got me thinking, "WTF is wrong with me? Am I not marriage-able?" and of course I felt down the entire weekend

I took the GRE on Saturday morning, so not only was I stressed with preparing for the exam, but this stupid engagement LIW crap was constantly on my mind.

Sometimes no, I don''t feel as if I''m putting my own happiness first. I have mixed emotions about this whole thing. Le sigh.