So confused!!

[beebrisk]

Date: 1/25/2008 11:42:21 AM
Author: HollyS
I know I''m older, I''m more old-fashioned, I''m conservative, I''m fairly religious, so my opinion is colored by these things . . . . but WHY would ANYONE buy a house and tie themselves financially to someone to whom they are not married, engaged, or have a mutual understanding/commitment of a long-term life partner relationship???
Putting the cart before the horse (to use a cliche), whether that cart is children, or houses, prior to marriage or commitment, is just not good thinking. And, frankly, I don''t want to hear from everybody about how judgemental I''m being. It IS NOT the right way to do things, and I''m not speaking from a moral standpoint.

Holly
I don''t think you''re being judgmental at all...And speaking from a solid, moral standpoint is a good thing in my book!

I couldn''t agree with you more. This is NOT the right thing to do. I would never sign a business contract on a ''maybe'' or a ''someday''...Why on earth would I bind myself to a man financially with the same vague ''promises''??

It''s a recipe for disaster. Frankly, it''s just plain "not smart".

 

[gwendolyn]

So how did it go last night, chocolatefudge?

 

[chocolatefudge]

Hi Everyone,
Well after saying I would wait until we went out I had to open my big mouth and start talking to him before we left!! Aaaarrgghh!! As predicted it ended messily. He was talking about not being able to save for a ring (which I argued with as he''s very good with money and can save for anything when he puts his mind to it!) He kept asking me to tell him how he could have saved and when he''d wasted money..... All pointless things if you ask me! Then he was asking me why I felt that "everyone" was getting married and who did we know that was. I haven''t got a clue what this has got to do with anything!! I can''t remember pointing out anyone else and don''t care about anyone else only us!!
I tried to calm down and sort out some sort of timeline and he got really annoyed and said, "So I have to tell you the exact date and time I''m going to propose?!" I said no, but I''d like to have some time scale, and when would it happen by. He said he didn''t know!!

Anyway I went to have a shower and we calmed down a bit then. We ended up going out for the meal (feeling much calmer!) I decided to try again and it went much better. He said that he had two proposal ideas in mind and wasn''t worried about choosing a ring as he knew what I liked. Then he started talking about a Tiffany ring I''d showed him! It was so wierd, like talking to a different person! Anyway we had a really nice time and I felt loads more positive!

Realised this morning that I hadn''t actually clarified anything! Although I''m sure he said it would happen this year.
Oh! And I told him I would not be buying a house with him until he proposed!

So what do you think now?

 

[bee*]

To be honest, I'm not sure what I think-it's sounds nearly like split personality! I can only give you what my experience was with the whole thing. When I first mentioned getting engaged with D he hadn't thought about getting engaged at all. Being someone who always opens her big gob, I kept asking him about getting engaged and he gave me little snippets about things. One day though we sat down and discussed it properly, and he told me that he wasn't ready at all and he gave me a timeline of the end of last year (so we roughly had a two year timeline). He used to say some of the things that your bf is giving you such as who else is getting engaged etc (I used to say the same as you-who cares who else is getting engaged!). I'd be very careful that he's not saying those things at the restaurant just to keep you sweet. I think that you need to talk to him, without crying or anything like that, and just ask him what the story is. Well done for telling him that you're not buying the house with him unless you're engaged

 

[chocolatefudge]

To ne honest I think somewhere in the back of me head I''m thinking he may propose on my birthday next Saturday..... Or if not then (as we have people coming around and don''t know when he would get chance) I''ve got my heart set on Valentine''s Day....... I don''t know why I think it has to happen on an ''occassion day'' but I suppose if it doesn''t happen on either of those I will seriously have to have a proper talk as I feel like I''m driving myself insane!! I know he will want it to be a complete surprise and I can''t figure out whether he''s trying to really put me off the scent so that I won''t realise what''s happening, or he isn''t fussed about rushing things.

 

[beebrisk]

Now I''m really confused.

In your first post you talked about being frustrated at the prospect of waiting so long for an engagement, and in his desire to buy a house before a wedding.

Now you think the proposal might be imminent?

Am I missing something here?

My suggestion would be to relax, take a deep breath and see what happens for your b-day or Valentines Day.

At that point, if it doesn''t happen, have a quiet, unemotional talk with him and see where he stands.

In the meantime, go about your business, enjoy each other''s company and don''t make yourself so crazy.

Good luck...

 

[chocolatefudge]

Sorry beebrisk, I know I''m getting confusing. What I mean to say is that although I know what he''s saying and I''m quite sure that he means it (wanting a house first, wanting to wait etc) I can''t help building my hopes up and hoping that in some way it''s all to surprise me when it does happen. I know that sounds really stupid and I don''t want to keep building my hopes up but it makes me feel better. I am 99.9% sure that I will be disappointed and there will be no proposal yet but I just like to keep a slither of hope (I''m too much of a romantic!)

 

[gwendolyn]

Not to be too much of a downer, but I don''t think you should get your hopes up for your birthday or Valentine''s Day. Not only do I have the feeling that he would have no idea you''d want it to happen on an ''occasion day'' as you say, but from your discussions it sounds almost like he''s frustrated, with him asking how he could''ve saved the money. Maybe I''m not reading it the way he said it since there''s no tone in text, or maybe your follow-up conversation went much better (which you said it did), but the way it came across was that he was feeling a bit hounded by you about it and frustrated that he couldn''t do it as soon as you''d like.

Again, could be WAY off, but please try to not get your hopes way up, because it would suck to feel like your birthday and/or Valentine''s Day was ruined because you were hoping he was being secretive when in fact he really isn''t doing some elaborate ruse to keep you off the scent.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 1/26/2008 1:35:55 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
Sorry beebrisk, I know I''m getting confusing. What I mean to say is that although I know what he''s saying and I''m quite sure that he means it (wanting a house first, wanting to wait etc) I can''t help building my hopes up and hoping that in some way it''s all to surprise me when it does happen. I know that sounds really stupid and I don''t want to keep building my hopes up but it makes me feel better. I am 99.9% sure that I will be disappointed and there will be no proposal yet but I just like to keep a slither of hope (I''m too much of a romantic!)

So it makes you feel better to be 99.9% sure you''ll be disappointed?

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/26/2008 1:37:03 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Not to be too much of a downer, but I don''t think you should get your hopes up for your birthday or Valentine''s Day. Not only do I have the feeling that he would have no idea you''d want it to happen on an ''occasion day'' as you say, but from your discussions it sounds almost like he''s frustrated, with him asking how he could''ve saved the money. Maybe I''m not reading it the way he said it since there''s no tone in text, or maybe your follow-up conversation went much better (which you said it did), but the way it came across was that he was feeling a bit hounded by you about it and frustrated that he couldn''t do it as soon as you''d like.


Again, could be WAY off, but please try to not get your hopes way up, because it would suck to feel like your birthday and/or Valentine''s Day was ruined because you were hoping he was being secretive when in fact he really isn''t doing some elaborate ruse to keep you off the scent.

ditto! Maybe it''s just the way I''m reading your posts,but I didn''t get the impression that he was going to propose in the next two weeks. Unless he''s great at hiding things! I hope that he does do it on either of these dates, but I wouldn''t get my hopes up.

 

[beebrisk]

I would agree with Gwendolyn, although I know it''s the last thing you want to hear.

It''s beginning to sound like you two are on completely separate wavelengths when it comes to your future...or at least your immediate future.

Since you''re living together, why is it so difficult to discuss a timeframe that works for both of you?

Yes, he may want to surprise you, but if he doesn''t end up doing it in the next few weeks, I think you need to focus on some real communication...where both of you can express what you want, when you want it and how you are going to get there.

At the moment it seems as if your sense of urgency is creating some unnecessary angst and drama and it''s getting in the way of real, constructive communication about you''re both headed.

 

[chocolatefudge]

I know it''s not sounding great.... I''m going to try and stop bringing it up for a while and see how things go. I don''t want to pressure him into putting a date on it, it''s just dragging on a bit as we first discussed it three years ago and everytime we do something nice I''m thinking, "Will it be today?" (Although to be fair I only REALLY felt that he wanted to since we moved in together in April.)
The money thing annoyed me a bit as I know that he could have saved the money if he wanted to. That''s what was making me feel a bit suspicious as it wasn''t the best reason to give. However, that could also mean, "I''m just not ready!"

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 1/26/2008 1:51:06 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
The money thing annoyed me a bit as I know that he could have saved the money if he wanted to. That''s what was making me feel a bit suspicious as it wasn''t the best reason to give. However, that could also mean, ''I''m just not ready!''

I guess this is what I was trying to say in my last post...You two are living together under the same roof. You should KNOW if he''s ready or not.

That doesn''t mean you should know if he is going to propose on your birthday or Valentines Day, but you should know if he''s ready for a major commitment...if he''s ready for marriage!

I think most couples getting engaged KNOW they are both ready. Although the actual proposal may be a surprise, it''s usually no surprise that both parties have been thinking about it and are ready for it.

We all hear about woman being surprised by a proposal, but when do you hear a woman say "He proposed and I had NO idea he was ready for marriage"??

At this point you should both know exactly where you stand. If at this point you have doubts about his readiness, then honestly, he may not be.

 

[goodfun7580]

Chocolatefudge, based on discussions with my bf, when he makes a big deal about the money, and how will he ever save it (my bf is so frugal and is able to save money very easy and purchase whatever he wants) I know what he''s really saying is "I''m not ready". Because lets face it, if our bfs wanted to marry us and propose right now, nothing would be able to stop them.