So FF put me in my place yesterday

[fieryred33143]

He asked me if I could relax, not obsess, and stop mentioning the proposal to him. The whole thing started when I had my usual flipping out moment. It ALWAYS happens when someone asks me either when are we getting married or why hasn’t he proposed. I get so angry and flip out.

So I called him and said that I don’t care about the surprise anymore…I want to know the date of when he’s going to propose so that I can tell everyone and get them off my back. This of course is not true…I care VERY much about the surprise and could care less if everyone knows….its just annoying. So when I got home, feeling slightly embarrassed…ok very embarrassed…over my actions, he said that every time I bring it up (which is every day), I add one more day to the wait. He doesn’t want to propose with the engagement conversation fresh in our minds. He wants it to be a complete surprise and out of nowhere moment and can’t do that with me constantly on top of things.

So I’m backing off and focusing on my best friend’s upcoming wedding (I’m the MOH). I just hope that I can still obsess to you guys and leave him alone for a while LOL

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Personally, I think it is terrible that he pushes it back a day each time. The longer he waits the more often it will be on your mind and the less of a suprise it will end up being. Plus, it seems kind of vindictive, like he is punishing you for not doing it his way. I would talk with him about this. You also need to decide if the suprise is worth the wait since you seem to be going back and forth. At some point I suspect the resentment may not be worth it, but to each their own. Once you decide what you want, the suprise or being engaged, talk to him. You have a right to be part of this process even if he has the active role.

 

[Independent Gal]

So, you''re driving him crazy by whining, and he is responding by treating you like a kid. Sounds like a great situation!

Yup, I think it''s time you told everyone to back off with their questions, and you found something else to think about for a while. Your friend''s wedding sounds like a good option. You might also want to tell your boyfriend that you fully intend to be more pulled together and grown up about this period in your life, and in return, you''d appreciate it if he would NOT to treat you like a child.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/6/2008 1:15:36 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
Personally, I think it is terrible that he pushes it back a day each time.

He isn''t literally pushing it back a day...he said it for affect. I knew his original timefram is around the end of June/4th of July weekend but as the date nears, its becoming less and less of a surprise.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/6/2008 1:18:00 PM
Author: Independent Gal
So, you''re driving him crazy by whining, and he is responding by treating you like a kid. Sounds like a great situation!


Yup, I think it''s time you told everyone to back off with their questions, and you found something else to think about for a while. Your friend''s wedding sounds like a good option. You might also want to tell your boyfriend that you fully intend to be more pulled together and grown up about this period in your life, and in return, you''d appreciate it if he would NOT to treat you like a child.

I agree with Indy 100%...

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 6/6/2008 1:20:18 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 6/6/2008 1:15:36 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
Personally, I think it is terrible that he pushes it back a day each time.

He isn''t literally pushing it back a day...he said it for affect. I knew his original timefram is around the end of June/4th of July weekend but as the date nears, its becoming less and less of a surprise.

It''s only a month away? Breathe lady! You can stop bringing it up for a month. Concentrate on other things. Easier said than done, but you know...

 

[gwendolyn]

Well, for affect or not, in his position, I doubt I''d feel inspired to propose if the woman I love more dearly than anyone else kept hounding me about when it was going to happen. Just trust that he will do it in his way, in his own time! This is about BOTH of you, not just you and when you want your ring. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but you sound like you''ve lost a bit of perspective here. He wants to marry you, and he''ll be asking you really soon--how wonderful is that?

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Did you just post earlier in the week that you two decided on a wedding date AND venue?

My SO and I have made the decision to secure a venue before he officially proposes because we want a Halloween wedding in 2009 and being in New England, we feel pressed to snag a venue as soon as possible. Maybe if you and your SO are in complete agreement about the venue, you should try and book it and then you can RELAX because now you have something "official". Because I have no doubt my SO is 100% on board with the planning, the whole ring issue is at bay. I know it is coming. I am letting him do his thing with it. I don't mention it to him. I don't ask him about it. I'm just continuing to wait patiently for the day to come because it is good enough for me to know that yes, that day WILL come.

When other people ask you what your relationship status is, you can always let them know you have started to look at a few venues and chosen a date. I don't understand the point of getting angry over something that should be viewed as a compliment. If someone is asking when you are going to take the next step I think it's their way of saying, "hey you two make a great couple, I can see you together for the long haul" - if someone said that to me, I could never get mad at them, they just paid me a fantastic compliment. Imagine if you were together for YEARS and not a single person was asking if you were going to get married!? How would you feel then??

Maybe you need to shift your perspective a bit.

 

[Bliss]

Well, the really GOOD part is that it''s soon!

Sounds like he really wants this to be a surprise for you. So don''t ruin it!

Since this isn''t an "IF" and it''s a "WHEN" situation and soon at that... I wouldn''t say a peep about any engagement anymore. That having been said, don''t feel too badly or beat yourself up about this. Engagements can be stressful for the guys, too. They''re planning stuff, buying stuff and etc. So maybe he just snapped a little at you. Heck, when you''re married -- there will be plenty of times you annoy each other. That''s part of getting closer: learning each others'' boundaries and setting limits. So it''s healthy in a way that he''s saying that he wants to do this right in his own way, too.

So just respect that... and sit back in bliss! You''re gonna be ENGAGED TO THIS GREAT GUY SOON!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/6/2008 1:40:02 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Well, for affect or not, in his position, I doubt I''d feel inspired to propose if the woman I love more dearly than anyone else kept hounding me about when it was going to happen. Just trust that he will do it in his way, in his own time! This is about BOTH of you, not just you and when you want your ring. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but you sound like you''ve lost a bit of perspective here. He wants to marry you, and he''ll be asking you really soon--how wonderful is that?

Don''t apologize, it isn''t harsh...it''s real. We''ve been together for six years and I get so tired of people giving me these horrible/pity looks. I''m constantly on the defensive. I almost feel as though if I don''t remind him...he''ll forget LOL That''s what being obsessed over things does to you.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/6/2008 1:43:22 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
Did you just post earlier in the week that you two decided on a wedding date AND venue?

Yes we did which is why he told me to relax.

Sorry if I came across to everyone as being selfish...I thought this was a place/forum where we could just spill our guts without any backlash which is why I was confessing to my awful behavior...I''ll edit next time

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I have to admit, I winced a little when I read the title of this thread. Then when I read that he told you every day you bring it up it pushes the proposal back, I winced even more. The whole concept of punishing you for bringing it up moves the relatoinship away from "partnership" and into "parent/child" territory.

Not that I don''t understand: he''s tired of hearing about it. He''s tired of feeling suffocated by it. Bringing up marriage in a calm conversation on occasion is healthy, but making little comments on a daily basis...well, not so much.

And I completely understand your perspective as well: you are tired of waiting, you want to know when it''s going to happen. Your post makes it aware that you are getting frustrated.

I agree with the others that you need to focus on yourself and get your head out of the engagement fog for a bit. I agree that helping your friend with her wedding will be fun, but I''d also focus on things that have absolutely nothing to do with weddings or relationships. What do you like to do? Take a local photography course. Or a cooking course. Or volunteer at an animal shelter...whatever it is you like, just start getting more involved with it.

If you trust that the engagement is going to happen and you want to wait, then you have to do it in a way that''s healthy for both of you. No sarcastic or snide comments, no saying things you don''t mean (i.e. I don''t care about the surprise anymore), and most importantly no manipulation!!

I hope that you can relax and just enjoy the relationship!

 

[Bliss]

OMG... don't apologize. Just make a little internal vow to keep trying and improving. We can all strive to be better next time. Emotions are a funny thing. And it's normal to flip out once in a while... That's not to say it's something to be proud of, but that's what makes us human. Even married couples who are the best of friends sometimes wig out about stuff. It's just part of being human: flawed, beautiful and always improving

Now that he's made his views known, you should do your best to respect his wishes. Like many posters say, it's a partnership. Co-pilot can't fly very well if one is wiggin' out! That having been said, sometimes stuff happens. It's a stressful time. I understand!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/6/2008 1:50:17 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 6/6/2008 1:43:22 PM

Author: Keepingthefaith21

Did you just post earlier in the week that you two decided on a wedding date AND venue?

Yes we did which is why he told me to relax.


Sorry if I came across to everyone as being selfish...I thought this was a place/forum where we could just spill our guts without any backlash which is why I was confessing to my awful behavior...I''ll edit next time

Well you can post your feelings, but people will always have reactions. And honestly, if you didn''t want any feedback, it seems silly to post. The ladies here are trying to help you have a more positive outlook towards this process because it is ultimately a joyous occasion. We all go through low moments; it''s what we do about those moments that defines who we are. If you''ve progressed because of this thread, then it served its purpose, and you shouldn''t feel the need to edit now or in the future.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 6/6/2008 1:18:00 PM
Author: Independent Gal
So, you''re driving him crazy by whining, and he is responding by treating you like a kid. Sounds like a great situation!

Yup, I think it''s time you told everyone to back off with their questions, and you found something else to think about for a while. Your friend''s wedding sounds like a good option. You might also want to tell your boyfriend that you fully intend to be more pulled together and grown up about this period in your life, and in return, you''d appreciate it if he would NOT to treat you like a child.

I''m weary of saying these things; thanks for letting me just "ditto" you.

 

[Independent Gal]

What Gwen said. It''s good to be honest about your feelings and behaviour and it''s good to get a reality / perspective check from others. The idea is not to make yourself look good. We don''t know you and we probably never will. The idea is to vent and get perspective.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/6/2008 1:55:08 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Well you can post your feelings, but people will always have reactions. And honestly, if you didn''t want any feedback, it seems silly to post. The ladies here are trying to help you have a more positive outlook towards this process because it is ultimately a joyous occasion. We all go through low moments; it''s what we do about those moments that defines who we are. If you''ve progressed because of this thread, then it served its purpose, and you shouldn''t feel the need to edit now or in the future.

It definitely has. The reason why I even lurk here at night is because it calms me down. I like going through the archives and reading some posts...makes me feel that I''m not alone.

I think myself and my FF are just frustrated with the whole thing, mainly because of my actions. It''s hard to want something so bad and you can almost feel like you are reaching out towards it, but then have to remember that other things have to happen first.

 

[Lauren8211]

Maybe we should put in place the system that me and my BF have!

Whenever I go to him about a situation, I always tell him up front "I''m venting" so he knows to just sympathize with me, or "I need advice," which is what I say when I''m really looking for his opinion. There''s nothing worse than someone telling you what you should do, when all you want to do is blow off a little steam!

Sometimes people just need to verbalize and get support -- so I understand what you mean by feeling like you have to edit. Sometimes you just want to vent and not get any negative feedback. I hear ya!

 

[Independent Gal]

Venting and being directed don''t have to be mutually exclusive. My bff and I will vent to each other and then one of us says "OK, so what are you going to do about it?" We don''t necessarily mean ''what are you going to do to change the circumstances'' because sometimes that''s not in your control. But what IS always in your control is how you react to the circumstances. So ''what are you going to do about it?'' for us, often means ''What are you going to do to manage your bad feelings so they don''t eat you up or turn into bad actions?'' Sometimes the answer is going to the gym for a really hard workout. Sometimes it''s distracting ourselves with something productive or fun. Or going to a movie. Or concentrating on seeing the bright side. Or doing something for someone else so we stop thinking about ourselves so much.

You can vent, but I personally can''t stand it when my friends vent endlessly without a productive end to it. I''m happy to listen to them for hours on end, as long as the venting ends with ''And here''s what I''m going to do to make myself feel better / change the situation (if I can) / act better / be better.'' Does that make me a b!tch? Possibly. But wallowing and dwelling never EVER helps anyone.

And the difference between venting and wallowing is that venting is goal directed. You let off steam, then you find a strategy to get a grip and go about your life.

Little secret of contentment for y''all.

 

[Lauren8211]

Well right, I don''t go to my BF and complain endlessly about the same situation over and over again. Just saying sometimes we don''t want advice right then -- just want to get it off your chest.

And thats OK with me. I can listen to someone whine for a few minutes -- I know sometimes it feels good!

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 6/6/2008 2:21:02 PM
Author: Lauren8211
Whenever I go to him about a situation, I always tell him up front ''I''m venting'' so he knows to just sympathize with me, or ''I need advice,'' which is what I say when I''m really looking for his opinion. There''s nothing worse than someone telling you what you should do, when all you want to do is blow off a little steam!

I think this is really smart, by the way. Specifying what you need. My DH and I have started doing this since I''m a little more hard-headed and more inclined to jump to the ''so what are you going to do about it'' stage when he may still need to let off steam. So he tells me ''I just need you to listen. Then I''m going to the gym to work the rest off!'' Then I know he''s being directed, and he knows I''ll listen. We''re getting better at this. Slowly.

 

[Lauren8211]

I''ve definitely learned that this trick is important! Relationship saver, IMHO. Unsolicited advice regularly causes some SERIOUS resentment.

Glad BF and I figured it out early!

 

[fieryred33143]

My intention with this post really was to vent and maybe I should have started it with that. I don''t have an outlet at home. I''m sort of the rock in my family and my best friend is going through cancer so the last thing I''m ever going to do is run to her with silly engagement problems. My FF is as sweet and understanding as he can be but its frustrating for him as well. As I mentioned, its been six years and this whole engagement process is very new to us. It''s not something we have talked about for years. We just started talking about it. Normally when we want something, we get it. I wanted/needed a new car so I went the same weekend and got one. He drove by a condo conversion, fell in love and closed in a month. Waiting patiently is not in our vocabulary LOL. We just get up and go. So this is definitely new territory for us...I keep seeing it as ok we want to get married so let''s go get a ring, book the venue and start planning. I guess I didn''t take into consideration that while we haven''t been traditional at all (living together b4 marriage), he has his heart set on doing the engagement in a traditional fashion...and that''s taking some getting used to.

Anyway, most of the time I just resolve the issue internally but ever since finding this site I feel like I can at least write when I''m feeling vulnerable and 9 out of 10 times I feel better instantly.

 

[Independent Gal]

You don''t have an engagement problem! You''re about to get engaged! It''s not a problem! It''s a joy! It''s a good thing! Enjoy yourself!

And you said that you WANT to be surprised and traditional, not just him. So really: do vent... and then make a plan to chiiiiiiiiill.

All is well. Seriously. So don''t ruin it for both of you by making it a stressful period instead of a joyful exciting one.

 

[KCCutie]

Hey fieryred33143

You know I totally understand your need to vent it''s obvious that venting to your SO about this subject is not a good idea anymore so I''m glad we all have this place to come and get it all out.

I know what you mean about people asking endlessly. My SO and I have only been together for 2 years but my family and friends have been asking me these kinds of questions since I was about 24 (so what like 7 years yikes!). Every once in a while I just have to be totally frank with my mother or my bffs and say "Hey, I know you want me to be happy and believe me I want it more than anything, but your asking me this is making me unhappy so can we lay off that subject for a while?" If you blow it off when they ask they won''t know that it hurts you and they won''t stop. I think if the people who keep asking lay off it''ll make it much easier for you to relax and focus on something else until it happens.

Also I don''t see his comment "every time you bring it up (which is every day), I add one more day to the wait" is at all what others suggested. I think he was just trying to help you see that your bringing it up every day makes it impossible for him to surprise you. In his mind when the ring is just about out of your mind, thats when he wants to bring it back and with a bang, I think it''s sweet.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/6/2008 2:01:23 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 6/6/2008 1:55:08 PM

Author: gwendolyn


Well you can post your feelings, but people will always have reactions. And honestly, if you didn't want any feedback, it seems silly to post. The ladies here are trying to help you have a more positive outlook towards this process because it is ultimately a joyous occasion. We all go through low moments; it's what we do about those moments that defines who we are. If you've progressed because of this thread, then it served its purpose, and you shouldn't feel the need to edit now or in the future.

It definitely has. The reason why I even lurk here at night is because it calms me down. I like going through the archives and reading some posts...makes me feel that I'm not alone.


I think myself and my FF are just frustrated with the whole thing, mainly because of my actions. It's hard to want something so bad and you can almost feel like you are reaching out towards it, but then have to remember that other things have to happen first.

I can understand that--believe me, I get really worked up and stressed and frustrated and in general emotional upheaval because of the situation that's just on the horizon for J and me--yes, we are about to move in together, which is HUGELY wonderful and fabulous (after 3.5+ years of being either 200 or 3500 miles apart), BUT with it comes a ton of uncertainty about living and working in a country that is not my home, where my professional credentials appear to not really be recognized. So, I know how it feels to get emotionally wrapped up in the NOW, even when logically you know NOW will soon be over, and the good stuff to look forward to is coming SOON.

But that's why we're here! To remind you that, really, in the scheme of your life, the time you have left of being a girlfriend is the equivalent to the blink of an eye. Think of you at 40, or 50, or 80. The time between now and when you will be engaged will essentially be non-existent. So, treat yourself! As you're waiting, do as the others have suggested and do some things for you, to really DO something to get your mind off this obsession. You always have control over some part of any situation; even if it's just a tiny part, there is always some aspect that's up to you. So you are waiting? No problem! Get yourself a professional mani/pedi while you wait. Take some of your favourite ladies out shopping. Have a quiet night in with some take-out and a good book. Take a luxurious bubble bath while drinking champagne. In short, pamper yourself. If he's making you wait, I think the best revenge is to enjoy it.

 

[purrfectpear]

Honestly it sounds like he''s already HAD this discussion with you a few times now, and you still continued to periodically wig out inbetween daily nagging.

Not much fun for what should be an exciting moment for you both.

I think you''re embarrassed about the questions, and you''re taking your inability to handle them out on him. That''s not very fair, and probably not your intent when you stop and think about it.

Here is what I would tell people who ask "we''re planning a (fill in Month/Year) wedding, but as to the proposal it''s to be a surprise. I''ll be sure and show you the ring after it''s official"

That shouldn''t generate any more questions. Any fool should understand what "surprise" means and it removes all doubt about whether an engagement is forthcoming, since you''ve already planned for the wedding.

 

[Pushin40]

IT''S OK!

VENT AWAY!!!! Not too much longer for that now, is there???? You are ALMOST THERE!!!!!

Hang in there, kiddo!

 

[Bev]

Fiery...your feelings are completely normal, imo. My SIL has been with her now FI for 10 years. Friends of hers were getting married to people they had met after her and her FI started dating. She would bug him and bug him, until she realized that she was becoming an unhappier person by doing it. So she decided to stop asking and eventually he proposed...out of nowhere after she got off of work. LOL

It will happen soon! Hang in there! Until then...vent away!

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Date: 6/6/2008 2:43:36 PM
Author: fieryred33143
My intention with this post really was to vent and maybe I should have started it with that. I don''t have an outlet at home. I''m sort of the rock in my family and my best friend is going through cancer so the last thing I''m ever going to do is run to her with silly engagement problems. My FF is as sweet and understanding as he can be but its frustrating for him as well. As I mentioned, its been six years and this whole engagement process is very new to us. It''s not something we have talked about for years. We just started talking about it. Normally when we want something, we get it. I wanted/needed a new car so I went the same weekend and got one. He drove by a condo conversion, fell in love and closed in a month. Waiting patiently is not in our vocabulary LOL. We just get up and go. So this is definitely new territory for us...I keep seeing it as ok we want to get married so let''s go get a ring, book the venue and start planning. I guess I didn''t take into consideration that while we haven''t been traditional at all (living together b4 marriage), he has his heart set on doing the engagement in a traditional fashion...and that''s taking some getting used to.


Anyway, most of the time I just resolve the issue internally but ever since finding this site I feel like I can at least write when I''m feeling vulnerable and 9 out of 10 times I feel better instantly.

Hey fiery! I think it''s tough to be in your position if you have no place to talk about it. I think that''s what the forum is for. But also sometimes, I think I''m mad at SO... but it''s really not about him and that might be the case here with you.

I mean you probably wouldn''t REALLY speed up the proposal: think about the logistics for a minute: the ring might not be what you wanted, it might be haphazardly done and he might have to improvise instead of spending time to think about what he wants to say or where he wants to say it. These things take time! A ring alone can take 6 weeks!! And that''s after you know what you want and can wire the cash!

And like you said, the engagement bug didn''t hit you hard for a while. I think (at least if I were in your shoes) I''d be mad at all the people who are butting their nose into my business!!!!--- And that''s what I''d tell my SO is annoying me.

Makes life much easier when you already know SO is on your side, as I''m sure he could understand the annoyance at being pressured about something over which you have little to no control. Breathe girl!! You''re almost there! Support each other through these annoying people and you''ll be even better off when you do get engaged.