So long! Farewell!

[Keepingthefaith21]

After a lot of careful thought, I’ve decided that I want to be removed from the list.

I don’t think I qualify as a LIW.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my SO’s attitude about keeping the entire process a secret. After reading about so many couples who chose the ring together and have genuine conversations about what they want and where their relationship is heading, I realize my SO and I just aren’t there. By telling me I can’t have a say in anything, he creates a very good excuse to NOT be looking or planning all while leaving me none the wiser. The truth is, I don’t think he’s looked, I don’t think he’s planning on proposing any time soon and I think, after a lot of soul searching, that I’m done waiting for him.

I am officially the last person in my group of friends in a long term, committed relationship to still be waiting around. I feel like I am wasting my time and am thinking not of delivering an ultimatum but just standing up and walking out on my own two feet. I’ve taken care of myself alone before, I can certainly do it again and at this point, considering how upset I am, I think I would be better off on my own. I deserve to be in a relationship with a man who will talk openly and frankly with me about where our relationship is headed instead of telling me to have patience or laughing when I ask how long I am going to be forced to wait. The ambiguous silly answers stopped being funny a year ago.

So, as much as I have enjoyed the past few months reading your posts and hearing all your lovely engagement stories; I think it is time for me to give up all hope and focus on my future happiness.

I wanted to be married to this man more than anything in the world. I love him with all my heart. But, I love myself and my dreams too much to continue to sit around and wait for another person to be sure of something I thought was perfect a long time ago.

 

[*RubyRN*]

KTF-

I''m sorry to hear about your situation, and I think many LIWs will sympathize with you on this. It sounds like you have thought a lot about this, but I would just say make sure you''re sure before you do/say anything. The emotions involved in being ready and waiting for your SO are very overwhelming at times, and I would hate for you to get caught up in that and end your relationship if you really do want to marry him. Are your dreams things that you won''t be able to accomplish if you stay in a relationship with him? Or can you focus more on yourself and your dreams while being with him instead of worrying about getting married?

If he is truly holding you back from your dreams and your own happiness, then I think you are better off moving on. Only you know how you truly feel about this, and if you have a gut-feeling either way, I think you should stick with it. I hope you are able to come to a decision that will ultimately make you happy. You will have lots of support here either way.

**hugs**

 

[Delster]

Oh Keepingthefaith I'm so sorry to hear this. I also applaud you for having the strength to stand up for yourself and refuse to put your life on hold. I think it's one thing to wait if you are OK with waiting but really quite another to be strung along indefinitely. I wouldn't be happy either if I hadn't heard a straight answer in a year of asking.

Is there any chance that your walking out will prompt a straight-up honest talk where he will give you a clear indication of where he stands in terms of a timeline? Is that something that would even make a difference at this stage?

Please, if it's not too painful, keep checking in and letting us know how you're doing. Your posts have always been so positive and encouraging to the other LIWs on here. I'll be thinking of you and sending you lots of good wishes for strength and peace with your decision, whatever the final outcome is.

ETA: I also support RubyRN's wise words about the implications for your hopes and dreams - much more insightful and eloquent than mine!

 

[KimberlyH]

Keepingthefaith,

I won''t tell you I''m sorry, because I''m not. I''m happy for you. You are a strong enough person to know what you want and need and not settle for less, that''s a lot more than most people can say. Here''s to you and the rest of your life. We get to determine the path we take and it sounds to me like you know exactly where you''re headed: to happiness and contentment, with or without him.

My best to you!

 

[jfus]

Keepingthefaith I am very sorry you are going through this and also very proud of you for realizing that you feel like he may not be the one. It''s very hard to step back and see the situation for what it is..even when you care about the person so much. Sometimes you keep trying and trying and no matter how much love is involved on your end you can''t change how the other person acts and lives their life.. and it just won''t work out no matter what. You really can''t sacrifice your happiness for someone elses. It should be fairly even and fairly easy.. not that there are no issues at all..but things just fall into place and everyone is happy.

I was in a similiar situation at one time too.. I was actually engaged to someone.. who wouldn''t let me pick out the kind of ring I had wanted.. so we compromised..we got engaged.. and the ring issue was only the tip of the iceberg..Everything going forward was an issue. Needless to say I took a step back after my whole wedding was planned and called it off. I couldn''t stand to think of a life of living to be someone that I wasn''t. Not that I am a HUGE brat.. maybe a little haha.. anyway.. it was the best decision I ever made..

BECAUSE..

a month later I met the man of my dreams... and now I am a LIW and I picked out my dream ring and everything is falling into place.

I am truly a believer in everything happens for a reason. Keepingthefaith... this could be happening to you for a reason. Hang in there. I won''t lie it is TOUGH, but you know what? you should be excited for the future.. you are after your true happiness and you will get it!

 

[tberube]

wow. Your strength is amazing.

I do hope you''ll come back and read this. I am sad, though - not out of pity but because this sort of thing happens to many couples who just aren''t on the same page. It happened with me and my last relationship of seven years. I know you''ll decide what''s best and follow through with it. I know we''re not the best of friends ever at this point - but I''ll be a shoulder for you if you''ll allow me.

 

[lucy.lucy.80]

Wow. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

You are a very strong person and it is very good you are putting your needs first in this situation. I agree with what everyone else has said in the above posts and I really wish you all the best and lots of luck pursuing your dreams.

 

[louisvgirl]

Dear Keeping the Faith,
You have great strength and courage for what you are ready to do. It''s not an easy thing to leave someone, but you have true valid reasons for your decision. You have come to figure out that the two of you are not on the same page, and it takes a very strong woman to see that and do something about it. After all, wouldn''t it be easier to just sit and wait? You deserve to be with someone who wants the same dreams that you do. If this guy is not the one to share these dreams with, the true man is out there. I do believe your guy will be shaken up when you do this and as the old saying goes "you don''t know what you had, until it''s gone" Well he will. I know that he will feel this. You have been more than patient and have given him time, but you ultimately know what''s in your best interest. May God give you the strength to move forward. Please do check in and let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself.

 

[Pandora II]

Keeping the Faith,

I think it sounds like you are making the right decision for yourself.

If he is the right person for you and you leave, he WILL come to get you back. If he doesn''t then he was not the right person and you will meet someone better for sure.

There are many other girls who have been on this board in the same situation and all of their lives have improved since they took back control of their own destinies.

You seem to have reached the point where even if he proposed tomorrow, you wouldn''t feel the way you would have done 6 months or a year ago.

I hope you''ll stay around and let us know how things go and come here if you need support during difficult times.

Good Luck!

 

[bubbly1126]

I am sorry to hear that you are leaving but also very happy that you have the strength to realize the situation for what it is. I am sure that your BF will definitely realize how stupid he was for letting you slip through his fingers but I hope that if he does get this wake up call that he doesn''t propose just to keep you. If this happens, I hope and pray you are wise enough (which I am sure you are) to see through it. However, that also goes with saying that he might truly see where you''re coming from and realize what he has and truly want to make a commitment. And if this happens, I hope and pray you are wise enough to see this. It''s tough and when that situation occurs (because I know it will) I hope you make the right decision for you.

You will be missed around here. Especially by me. You helped talk me into staying when I was at my lowest point and I thank you SO MUCH for that.

If you do indeed leave, please come and check in once in a while so we know how you are!

Keep your head up lady. If it''s meant to work out, it will. And vice versa.

 

[bee*]

Date: 11/19/2007 1:32:09 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Keepingthefaith,


I won''t tell you I''m sorry, because I''m not. I''m happy for you. You are a strong enough person to know what you want and need and not settle for less, that''s a lot more than most people can say. Here''s to you and the rest of your life. We get to determine the path we take and it sounds to me like you know exactly where you''re headed: to happiness and contentment, with or without him.


My best to you!

You''ve said everything that I wanted to Kimberley. It takes so much to stand up and take control of your life and I really applaud you for doing that. As Pandora said, if he is the right person, he will come and get you, if not you will find someone that is the right person for you. Best of luck with everything!

 

[anchor31]

You deserve to have what you want in life and you are right to not want to just settle. I seen so many young women around me that do and give up on their dreams of marriage and it breaks my heart... I''m glad to hear that for you, it''s more important to get what you want in life than stay in a relationship because it''s comfortable!

Good luck to you, and I hope you will come back.

 

[Patchee]

Hi Keepingthefaith.

How long have you been with your BF? I do hope you come back and read this thread because it's great advise....even though in reading some of it you ...one minute feel strong and proud to have the LIW behind you, the next yours sad and do not want to leave... probably because EVERYTHING but the engagement issues in your relationship is great? Is this true? If so, I've been there - I am there!

The Ladies here have given me the same exact advise and good inspirations to move forward with my life and leave my boyfriend of 4+ years now. My realtionship sounds like yours in way of NO TALK, NO RING! It would eat me up that all the LIW here would be going ring shopping and continuios conversations with the BF's on marriage/engagement - everything when meanwhile I would have to drink 2-3 glasses of wine to kick up the courage of sorts to bring up the subject.

I have gone as far as buying a house and at the time of closing turning around, walking out and going back home to him (Yes, Ladies who helped me out in the past this is what I did) - BECAUSE ALL IS GREAT - except the marriage issues we have (although he does not think we have an issue). I wanted to leave SO bad ... and then I got to the point of ... what's marriage anyway.

I am in my early 30's, he in his late. I think it will never happen... and I've been pretty much ok with that until I come here again and see the happiness that everyone is sharing - I then freak, get mad - and repeat the whole wine-talk issue again.

Keepingthefaith - How do you feel today after you first felt like this? I also said bye to everyone and that I was not coming back ... but I am here! Not like I used to be because it's hard getting involved with folk when you infact want to join in, instead of reading the happies!

I have ... once again set a mental time line... Our anniversary is 12/12 this year ... I recently (June) - not so recently afterall but

I sent his a pic and the stats of the ring I want... he said let's see if Santa thinks I am good this year and bring me that special gift... Welp he said It, I have the email still and if It does not happen by 1/08 I truly put my hands up and walk.. THIS IS FINALLY A PROMISE... because he has actually said or relayed interested by this request for the FIRST time ever in our relationship...

Maybe you need to do this? He knows nothing about my thoughts and time frame... It's an inside thing! I just find it hard to walk on someone who is a great person in every way ... but the bif E/M thing.

I hope you read this.. I feel your going through what I 've been through in the past. I never bring up marriage now. Besides that email of what I want for Xmas.. Otherwise no word spoken and most of the time I am not even thinking about marriage - I am truly happy but just feel a bit shunned thinking he does not want this as much as I do... then you start feeling insecure like why doesn't he want me that way, what's wrong with me?

Sound/feel familar? You'll be ok Sweetie!

P.S. I don't qualify as a LIW either but the people here are just so dam nice and help and funny that it makes you keep on coming back

 

[iwannaprettyone]

What a brave and amazing woman. Wow is all I can say.

Good luck to you (doesn''t sound like you need it though!)

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 11/19/2007 1:32:09 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Keepingthefaith,


I won''t tell you I''m sorry, because I''m not. I''m happy for you. You are a strong enough person to know what you want and need and not settle for less, that''s a lot more than most people can say. Here''s to you and the rest of your life. We get to determine the path we take and it sounds to me like you know exactly where you''re headed: to happiness and contentment, with or without him.


My best to you!

I''m just going to ditto Kim because she said what I wanted to say! Congrats for standing up with dignity and making YOU your priority! I applaud you girl!

 

[nebe]

I think you should stick around as a PSer, not a LIW. If it's not right, it's not right. Would you really want an engagement with someone who isn't sure? We'll miss you if you leave! Buy something sparkly for youself and take care!!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/19/2007 1:32:09 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Keepingthefaith,

I won't tell you I'm sorry, because I'm not. I'm happy for you. You are a strong enough person to know what you want and need and not settle for less, that's a lot more than most people can say. Here's to you and the rest of your life. We get to determine the path we take and it sounds to me like you know exactly where you're headed: to happiness and contentment, with or without him.

My best to you!

Absolutely agree!

The first thing I thought when I read your post, Keeping, was "FANTASTIC for her, and what a smart gal!"

You clearly understand that you deserve and need more, and you're willing to take action to have it. YAY for you.

It takes a lot of strength and self-confidence to be true to yourself this way, and I wish more people had it. It's a much saner way to live.

I really commend you.

Those who refuse to 'settle' usually don't have to.

 

[Steel]

Kimberley H hit the nail on the head.

May I just add I choose to believe that we do not have one soul mate; I believe that there are many people with whom we may feel a deep connection (if only we are available and take the opportunity to let them into our lives).

Maybe you are ships passing in the night? Maybe you will come back to each other? Life is an adventure and I admire your attitude.

 

[DMBsGirl]

I wish you all the best going forward. I understand the frustration with not being "in the know" regarding the ring. I too have a boyfriend that wants to pick it out by himself, I however, don''t mind this, as everyone I know has done the same and I like the idea of having him take the time to pick out the ring for me. The difference is that I do know that he wants to be engaged and you too deserve someone who knows they want to marry you. I am sure that person is out there for you and hope that you find them soon!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

K, I want to echo the sentiment that I am amazed by your strength. Way to go as far as taking charge of your life and deciding what is important to you and your happiness. Everything will work out the way it''s supposed to, and please let us know how you''re doing. Good luck!

 

[Deelight]

Date: 11/19/2007 4:24:33 PM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 11/19/2007 1:32:09 PM

Author: KimberlyH

Keepingthefaith,



I won''t tell you I''m sorry, because I''m not. I''m happy for you. You are a strong enough person to know what you want and need and not settle for less, that''s a lot more than most people can say. Here''s to you and the rest of your life. We get to determine the path we take and it sounds to me like you know exactly where you''re headed: to happiness and contentment, with or without him.



My best to you!

I''m just going to ditto Kim because she said what I wanted to say! Congrats for standing up with dignity and making YOU your priority! I applaud you girl!

Thritto here I wish you all the best and hope your happiness is just around the corner rushing your way whatever it maybe

GL

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 11/19/2007 1:32:09 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Keepingthefaith,

I won''t tell you I''m sorry, because I''m not. I''m happy for you. You are a strong enough person to know what you want and need and not settle for less, that''s a lot more than most people can say. Here''s to you and the rest of your life. We get to determine the path we take and it sounds to me like you know exactly where you''re headed: to happiness and contentment, with or without him.

My best to you!

Another ditto to Kimberly''s wise words. You truly know what''s best for you, and I''m glad you''re going to act on it. Best wishes and I do hope you''ll come back eventually and give us an update on how great your life is going

 

[Harleigh]

Keepingthefaith,

I''m sorry you are going through this, but I think you show amazing strength in your character, and I''m so proud of you for standing up for yourself.

Just another perspective, I was in much the same situation you are with my FI, yes, I said FI...7 1/2 years ago. We had dated for 4 1/2 years and we were going nowhere, much like you describe. I did what you are considering and I got the hell out of Dodge and finally took care of ME. I bought a convertible, some great jewelry, started taking trips to places I''d never been by myself and then went out and got my Master''s Degree. I also went country dancing any night of the week I wanted, dated a bunch of different people, bought a brand new house all by myself and basically moved on with my life.

For the first few years, FI tried to get me back, but I figured nothing had really changed, so why bother? I went on enjoying myself and taking care of me, and every time I saw him out dancing, I''d always dance one set of dances with him (we were dance partners for years!) and he''d tell me every time how much he still loved me, but I assumed it was only because he couldn''t have me, so I pretty much ignored it. Fast forward to 6 years later, FI and I ran into each other dancing one night and after a huge blow-up, getting every grievance off my chest, we discovered we could actually speak to one another like rational human beings and realized we had had so much WITH one another, and that maybe we really DID belong together. It''s now a year and a half later, and we will be getting married in Maui next July...

I have to say, though, that it wasn''t always an easy road...I still had a lot of resentment from what happened in our relationship before, but we talk about it and why it happened, etc..., and truly, we''ve learned that neither of us were really ready the first time around, and we are so much better off now.

Funny thing is, though, he kept saying he just didn''t understand why I couldn''t be more patient and wait for things to be HIS idea, as, after all, according to him, we''d only been together a year and a half. When I pointed out that I waited for FOUR AND A HALF YEARS, he said, "Oh, well, no wonder you told me to piss or get off the pot!" Arghhh! Men!

So, I hope my story gives you a little perspective. I don''t think the men in our lives think we will ever really leave them, but sometimes that''s the best and only option available to us, and I agree that is what you should still do. At least take a break and re-evaluate your feelings and what you really want for your life.

Be strong, and know we''re all here for you to lean on if you need anything. Hang in there, and know I''m sending hugs your way. Please don''t leave the board...we enjoy having you here.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Ladies:

Thank you all so much for your support, well wishes and for sharing your personal experiences with similar situations. I mentioned to SO last night that we need to have a very serious sit-down after the holiday to discuss some issues that I feel need to be brought to light and addressed. His face blanched when I told him this and he was on extra good behavior last night so I have a feeling he knows what is coming.

I plan to reiterate what I want out of my life; where I am, where I am going and what I hope to have in my future. If our goals are out of alignment, as I believe they are, then it will be best for the both of us (not just me) if we each begin our own paths towards our individual happiness. He needs to be told directly from me that I am not going to sit around and wait for him any longer. This will not be a “why won’t you marry me” conversation. This will be a conversation where I tell him I am ready to start working towards what I want out of life and if that means I have to leave him behind because he can not keep up or is unwilling to try to keep up, then it is time for our paths to divert.

I’ve never been one to wait around for anyone else. In all aspects of my life, if someone else hasn’t done something that I feel needs to get done, I just up and do it myself. Perhaps my SO and I do indeed need to spilt. Perhaps he just needs to be shown in living color just how serious I am about what I want out of my life. Either way, the outcome will inevitably lead to happiness, even if there is a bit of an uphill struggle to get there. I feel better now having addressed the issue with myself, having been honest with myself and as I face the hardest step of all, being honest with my SO, I at least I know I have a place where I can come to vent and chat (as well as a fantastic support network IRL – that includes you Tberube!)

Thanks again everyone. I’ll still be checking up on everyone here and following the stories (especially knowing the number of ladies who are hoping for an engagement over the upcoming weeks). We’ll see how things unfold over the next couple of days.

 

[bee*]

Best of luck having the chat with him next week. As I said earlier, I think it''s great that you are doing what is best for you. It''s your life and don''t waste it waiting for someone. Thanks for updating us!

 

[designchica]

I admire your strength and your focus in going after what you want. If he''s not going to make your dreams come true, move on, mourn the end of the relationship, and start fresh so that you can free yourself up for someone who will make those dreams come true.

I am in a similar situation and am breaking up with my bofyriend on Feb. first if there is no engagement before then. It sounds harsh but I''m 31 and dont'' want to be strung on any longer. Its now or never.

Best of luck to you! Please keep updated.

 

[sandia_rose]

>I deserve to be in a relationship with a man who will talk openly and frankly with me about where
>our relationship is headed instead of telling me to have patience or laughing when I ask how long
>I am going to be forced to wait. The ambiguous silly answers stopped being funny a year ago.

I''m new to this board as far as officially posting (been lurking for some time now), and I wanted to respond and let you know that I''m EXACTLY where you''re at. I''ve only been with my BF two years -- but, we''re both over 40, both have kids and both started off our relationship with the intention that we were looking to settle down and not just "date to see where things went" like people do when they''re younger. I''m not sure how old you are, but at my stage of the game, the playing field is a bit different and the answers are more clear-cut. I''ve told my BF that the longest that I can be "just a girlfriend" is two years, so I will wait until after the holidays and have the same talk with him that you''re contemplating having - and walk if needed. He began dating me with the intent that he wanted a life partner and that if things worked out, we''d be married by our two year anniversary. Well, our relationship is great - no huge conflicts, on the same page everywhere else, our kids like each other, etc...but I echo what you wrote above: the ambiguous, silly answers stopped being funny a while ago.

I will tell you that you are 100% correct in thinking the way that you do and also a STRONG and SMART woman for approaching it as you are. I have a very good friend who didn''t do what you''re doing. She dated a man who initially came on strong and dangled thoughts of marriage and children in front of her. She started dating him in her early 20s and had wanted to be married and a mom by the time she was in her early to mid 30s. At about the 5 year mark and after they''d moved in together, she questioned his intentions, and got the same silly answers we''re both getting. She stuck with him for another 10 years after that without mustering the courage to have "the talk" with him. Finally, one day she was so frustrated and angry that she had a couple glasses of wine and said something. And his answer? "Well, I don''t really want to get married." She invested 15 years with this man! So, she promptly broke up with him and moved out. She met another man a few months later - someone who wanted to get married and who wanted a family. By this time, she was 38. She and this man got engaged, got married and started trying for a child. WELL, after 5 years of trying naturally and then going through several unsuccesful cycles of IVF, she learned that she''d waited too long and she was going into menopause. She and her husband are planning to adopt, but she''s heartbroken that she can''t have a biological child with the man she married. This is an extreme case, but it happens more than you think. If being married and with your soulmate means a lot to you, don''t wait around for someone who doesn''t see it like you do.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Independent Gal]

You rock, KTF! We''re all behind you.

 

[Miscka]

KTF, I am sad to see you go. I am also completely impressed with your decision making rationale, and your unbelievable strength and maturity. I dont even have the right words, but please know I wish you all the best!

 

[bluebubbles]

KTF, you are a strong woman. I greatly admire that. I am sure you are experiencing a lot of hurt, sadness, pain, and loss. It is his loss and all your love and devotion should go to someone more deserving. I wish I could be as strong as you. I haven''t developed that backbone. One word that describes me "pathetic" and for you "heroic"....

BlueB.