So this is what dying feels like

[phoenixgirl]

If he shoved you now when he's trying to win you back, what will he do if thinks he *has* you back? Please update us and tell us you've moved out for good!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I'm so sorry, Izzy. The red flags are waving fiercely at this point. Your safety is in question because he cannot control himself. He does need treatment. But I hope you can separate for your safety and peace of mind. {{{hugs}}} Take care.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

What I have found with families of addicts is they either act like the victim, enabler, or provoker. **No one should ever physically harm another person.** Please don't confuse with what I am saying with me justifying his BAD behavior. I don't have the opportunity to ask him, so what I am wondering why you even asked him about his pain meds? You are leaving him. It is none of your business what medication he takes or doesn't take. You need to ask yourself why you were provoking him? What were you getting out of it? You like the drama? You wanted him to hurt you so you would feel better about your decision? What were your motives behind that encounter? There is a 90% chance you are going to repeat these patterns in your next relationship since you are resistant on self-awareness. That is the saddest part of this entire situation.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Get out. Get safe. When you have gotten some distance, both emotionally and physically, then start the self-work that Tacori mentions to help figure out how you ended up with a man like this and tolerated his behavior for so long. But now, get away and stay away!

Hugs to you.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Also, not sure if you did but make sure you call the police to document the abuse. Take photos if any marks are left.

 

[bubbly1126]

Take it from someone who JUST and I mean, JUST, lost their brother in law to a painkiller/whatever other drug Overdose, YOU CANNOT HELP SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO HELP THEMSELVES.

Rage/Verbal/Physical Abuse/Mood Swings are all part of an addiction and while it is usually the addiction itself making someone do these things, it DOES NOT make it right. Run, and run far away. Not that had my sister left and stayed away would the death be any easier on her but I truly believe that if she'd stayed away when she did finally leave him around Christmas, she would not be blaming herself now for his death. He made her believe she was the problem. That he had to take drugs to deal with her (and their two young sons)... But guess what, it WAS NOT HER FAULT. That's a poor excuse for someone who just couldn't handle life like any other average person.

My point? Leave. You do not need this weight on your shoulders. He is NOT the person you fell in love with anymore, whether it be because of the drugs or not. There is no reason for you to stay. LOVE is not always enough. There has to be respect too, and he clearly has none for you.

 

[Izzy03]

Tacori~ I was under the impression that he was keeping some meds on hand in case his knee pain began flaring up again, I vividly remember him telling me that. After work, I went back to our home because we had plans to go out with friends later in the evening. He told me that his knee had been very painful all day, so I asked him if he had needed to take a painkiller. I do not feel I was provoking him because I am okay with him taking something on the occasional "bad knee" day. I never thought it would trigger a reaction like that. We had talked about trying to work things out so I did not feel out of line asking him about it. He crossed the line for sure this time. I truly do not think he has been abusing meds, but I could be wrong. Our main issue has been his rage and I don't see it getting better for more than a few months at a time. Its a deal breaker.

Also, I really don't have the guts to call the cops on this. I do have a bruise and scrape on my knee from where I fell on the carpet. I will take a photo, but I can't see myself reporting the abuse. I don't need any leverage in a divorce, our finances are not combined and I declined being put on the mortgage for his home after we were married.

Dreamer~ I will absolutely be keeping my distance this time. He did reach out to me via text message today, kinda acting like nothing had happened. I did not respond and have no plans to. I think he is expecting this to be another one of our cycles. I can say with 100% certainty that had we not gotten married, I would have left him last year when he was deep into his addiction. The only reason I have stuck by him is because we are married, so I feel obligated to make it work. I really appreciated what you said about getting away from him, and slowly things will work out. I have worked SO HARD to make this marriage work, it is comforting to think that this will get easier after the initial pain of leaving him.

Inhisarms~ I am so sorry about the loss that your family is dealing with.

Last night during the huge blowup he blamed me for him losing his temper. It was not his fault that he got so mad, it was MY fault that I don't listen to him or respect him. He also tried to downplay shoving, saying that he didn't push me towards the ground, he was just trying to turn me around because he wasn't finished talking. After the shove, he yelled at me for 20+ minutes telling me what an awful person I am. I think the words hurt way more than the shove. I knew he had a sharp tongue, but I would have bet anything that he would never get physical with me.

 

[rosetta]

It's way past time to go Izzy!

Good luck with the rest of your life.

Fingers crossed for you

 

[movie zombie]

......we had plans to go out with friends later in the evening.........

really?! "we"?! why were you still doing things with him?! you say each and every time he's crossed a line.......

remember i said i reached a point where i was tired of listening to myself so i realized that my friends must have reached that stage prior? you've been given all kinds of advise. its up to you whether you follow any of it or not. are you hurting enough to start to admit that you need to make changes?

this is no longer about him. its about you. you've sent him mixed messages. you say one thing but you do another. either you're done.....really done means that you don't make plans to go out with friends later in the evening together. or you're not done and you'll experience a further escalation of abuse in the relationship.....you have to look at your part in this game and accept that you have responsibility as well. he escalated with the shove because he can. he's been empowered to do so. he's learned that despite saying you're done, you're not. was it right to shove you? of course not! did you deserve it? of course not! but you taught him he can escalate his behavior in the game and that you'll tolerate it.....so he has. stick around and it will just get worse. but we've been telling you this for some time now..........

again, i'm sorry that you're going through this but until you take control of your life, well, i will admit i'm sounding like a broken record, too.

MoZo

 

[phoenixgirl]

You are definitely sending him mixed messages . . . you move back in. You make plans to go out with friends together. And then you think that not answering a text message will send him a message? The shorter commute, the friends . . . these are really pathetic excuses. Step 1: Get away. For good. Step 2: Figure your own stuff out

ETA: I would never stick around for 20 minutes to let somebody who just physically harmed me verbally berate me too. If you are ever in this kind of situation again with a friend, lover, boss, whatever . . . you just leave.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Tacori~ I was under the impression that he was keeping some meds on hand in case his knee pain began flaring up again, I vividly remember him telling me that. After work, I went back to our home because we had plans to go out with friends later in the evening. He told me that his knee had been very painful all day, so I asked him if he had needed to take a painkiller. I do not feel I was provoking him because I am okay with him taking something on the occasional "bad knee" day. I never thought it would trigger a reaction like that. We had talked about trying to work things out so I did not feel out of line asking him about it. He crossed the line for sure this time. I truly do not think he has been abusing meds, but I could be wrong. Our main issue has been his rage and I don't see it getting better for more than a few months at a time. Its a deal breaker.

Also, I really don't have the guts to call the cops on this. I do have a bruise and scrape on my knee from where I fell on the carpet. I will take a photo, but I can't see myself reporting the abuse. I don't need any leverage in a divorce, our finances are not combined and I declined being put on the mortgage for his home after we were married.

Hi,
Quick thoughts - a) nobody who's an addict keeps meds on hand "in case." A person who is an addict has no self control. It's like an alcoholic keeping a bottle of rum around just in case some friends stop by and they would like a drink. Your DH simply cannot have meds around because they'll be a continous tempation. And, FWIW, my husband has knee pain (has had surgery, etc.) and never takes pain meds b/c they don't work for him...In fact, he's found 800 mg of ibuprophen to do the trick and he's clear headed.

b) I would call the cops and have the incident reported (if it's not too late?) b/c what if things get worse? One too many situations may require you to file a restraining order and you wanna be sure you've got proof...cops have photos on hand, etc.

c) were there problems before you married? Seems there was some sort of hesitation or you were concerned?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Its a deal breaker.

So it seems like you have made the decision to leave. What are *you* going to do now?

 

[iheartscience]

Izzy, people have told you this already, but you really need therapy to sort out why you're willing to put up with this type of behavior.

I hope you leave for good this time.

 

[bee*]

......we had plans to go out with friends later in the evening.........

really?! "we"?! why were you still doing things with him?! you say each and every time he's crossed a line.......

remember i said i reached a point where i was tired of listening to myself so i realized that my friends must have reached that stage prior? you've been given all kinds of advise. its up to you whether you follow any of it or not. are you hurting enough to start to admit that you need to make changes?

this is no longer about him. its about you. you've sent him mixed messages. you say one thing but you do another. either you're done.....really done means that you don't make plans to go out with friends later in the evening together. or you're not done and you'll experience a further escalation of abuse in the relationship.....you have to look at your part in this game and accept that you have responsibility as well. he escalated with the shove because he can. he's been empowered to do so. he's learned that despite saying you're done, you're not. was it right to shove you? of course not! did you deserve it? of course not! but you taught him he can escalate his behavior in the game and that you'll tolerate it.....so he has. stick around and it will just get worse. but we've been telling you this for some time now..........

again, i'm sorry that you're going through this but until you take control of your life, well, i will admit i'm sounding like a broken record, too.

MoZo

You just posted everything I was thinking MZ. I really hope that you do leave him this time for good Izzy.

 

[Cluless]

Izzy, I'm sitting here praying that you are all right. Listen I'm I'm all for keeping maragiages together and understand why you stuck around for so long, but girl please I beg you it's time to move on. Get out! go back to your parents and cut all ties with him. I know it won't be easy, but in the end it will all be worth it, you're worth it and don't let anyone make you think otherwise. You asked if this is what dying feels like, sweetheart what he's making you "live" is slowly killing you, so that's what dying feels like. NOT LEAVING, in leaving you will learn what it's like to really be alive and restart enjoying life. Once you're at your parents place fix yourself something to drink, coffee, tea, oh heck even a rum and coke if that makes you happy, go to your room pull down the blinds, maybe even take your furbaby with you, and think if a doctor were to announce that you or anyone you love ex. parents siblings had a termianal illness and only had a few months to live. How would it feel knowing you wasted your life on this so called love of your life. I'm sure you didn't have time to enyoy or appriciate the people that really matter around you because of your own dramas. In the end what matters is did you live a happy life, I think you know the answer to that one. After some time to think by yourself, have a good cry, go ahead let it all out. Then get out of that room go wash your face grab a ball go play fetch with your fur baby, run, laugh, pick him/her up. let them give you those yummy kisses and kiss them back, tomorrow will be a happier day. Stay strong find the strength and courage to do what you know you have to do. xo

 

[monarch64]

Izzy--so I had this horrible dream early this morning about my SO treating me really horribly and us breaking up, and it was in the same vein as how my ex and I used to fight. I responded to CrazyMaybe's thread last night very late and I think that my self-conscious mind was trying to work that out. It's not easy for me to think of you each in your separate situations without bringing my own past experiences to mind. I am very willing to listen and chat here and provide advice, but you need to know that there comes a time when people's patience draws very, very thin, especially when you say one thing and do another.

I certainly care about your situation and I will read and listen and comment. But that doesn't mean I will not give you very hard to hear advice. You can only cry wolf so many times before people stop taking you seriously, believe me. I waited and waited in my own situation to talk to anyone close to me (and I wasn't fortunate enough to have realized that I could anonymously post on the internet without my ex figuring it out--I was really dumb that way--you have tapped into a huge fount of knowledge here in this regard). When I started telling 2 friends and 2 acquaintances (wives of my ex's friends) what was going on and that I wanted to leave, I either heard this: "I've been dying to leave so-and-so for years, but the kids!"--Wives. Or, "either get out or fix it."--Friends. I listened to my friends, you know why? Because they were in happy/healthy relationships.

Go with your gut. Look back on things. He hasn't done you any favors by treating you like absolute crap. He's been physically violent with you, and no matter how much you can rationalize that, or reason it away, it still exists and you will ALWAYS remember it. You may have even provoked him, just by being in the same house, same room. I get it. I've been there. You're not an innocent party, and neither was I , but please focus on yourself and do the best you can to maintain your credibility.

You say your name isn't on the mortgage (mine wasn't either at my insistence, only on the deed) and your finances are joint. Good. There is absolutely no excuse for you not to get out now, sever ties, be done with the whole thing, and be the strong woman that you are and go forward with life. If you don't believe that, or you feel you have a lot more time left to waste on this relationship, go visit a hospice facility/nursing home/cancer ward, whatever. I bet you will change your tune right quick.

Please take it from someone who has been through this very recently (3 years in June): things do NOT ever get better, there is NO hope for the relationship any way you cut it, and he is COUNTING on you to come back so he can continue to live in his own familiar little drug-ridden world. I ASSURE you things will. not. change.