SO wants engagement and marriage, but is impeded by finances - anyone else have this problem?

[SparklyRing]

My SO has said many times (often without my asking) that he wants to get engaged and then married ASAP, but he is financially unable to do so for the moment. He has great credit and a full-time professional job, but just graduated from college 2 years ago with some student loans. Not a lot, but still enough to take a bite out of his funds every few months or so (I have no idea how often he has to make payments).

I know that he has been saving up for a ring for a few months now, but he still insists that he doesn''t have enough to get me a nice ring. It''s very frustrating because we both want to get engaged and married ASAP, but don''t have the financial ability to do that just yet.

From lurking on LIW, I''ve noticed that many women are frustrated because of their SO''s uncertainty. Are there any other ladies with SO''s who are very eager to take the next step, but whose finances render it impossible at the moment? How do you cope? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

 

[Gleam]

You don't need a diamond ring to get engaged or married. Are you unwilling to marry him without the ring?

I think the topic of engagement rings and how they are physically and symbolically tied to money very interesting. Sometimes the real issue is hidden in the discussion of the ring. Is what's bothering you a lack of a "nice ring" (to use your own words) or his financial situation?

 

[vc10um]

Hmmmmm...if he''s so eager, but it''s finances that are holding you up...why not get engaged with a simply sparkly band (ie a pave eternity band, etc)...make it official in a small ceremony with just closest friends and family there with a nice dinner afterward...and then in a year or so, or when everything is saved up, get the blingy ring and throw a big party???

If you really want to go traditional with the E-ring and everything, you could always remind him that you can always upgrade in the future to a "nice" ring, even though I''m sure he could get you something *quite* lovely with whatever he''s got saved up...

 

[SparklyRing]

Thanks Gleam and vc10um for replying!

I think it bothers me because it''s out of my control. With an SO that is uncertain, at least I could discuss my feelings to get him to understand where I''m coming from and maybe make him realize that I want to take the next step. In my case, SO is certain and eager, but is saving up. He is also against my helping to pay for the ring, not that I''d have much to contribute since I''m a grad student. I just feel that there''s really nothing I can do except wait.

I''d be fine with wearing my promise ring or any ring, for that matter, but SO is traditional and wants the engagement to be with a ring that he worked hard for, followed by a wedding. And upgrades aren''t really for me. I''m a bit romantic in that I''d prefer to wear the same stone and ring for the rest of my life.

I guess I just need to be patient and wait. I''m still curious as to whether any other ladies have this problem, especially with the recent economic crisis. How do you deal with just waiting?

 

[Lozza]

I have been in exactly the same boat for just over a year now. After 6 years of not being ready for marriage, SO decided last year that he was ready and started saving up for the ring.

I said we didn''t need a ring at all to get engaged, that a plain band would do etc.. etc.. but he was having none of it. It took me a while to realise that the nice, expensive (by our standards - NOT Pricescope''s!) ring was very important to him. Whilst I just wanted to do it, he wanted to do it properly. Remember too, that after you get engaged lots of people will ask to see the ring, and he may feel embarrassed if you are wearing a cheap one.

Discuss it with him, and tell him it''s not that important to you or you''re willing to help with the cost etc.. (if this is true), but be prepared for the fact that the other stuff may be more important to him than you realise.

 

[misskitty]

I''m in this boat. B is working, but I''m in grad school and only working part-time, and money is super tight. We get by, but neither of us has much in savings at the moment (and, as it seems to happen when money is tight, we keep running into major expenses like dental work and new tires and things like that).

Date: 10/16/2009 4:53:35 PM
Author: Gleam
You don''t need a diamond ring to get engaged or married. Are you unwilling to marry him without the ring?

I think the topic of engagement rings and how they are physically and symbolically tied to money very interesting. Sometimes the real issue is hidden in the discussion of the ring. Is what''s bothering you a lack of a ''nice ring'' (to use your own words) or his financial situation?

Gleam, sometimes it''s the other way around. I''d happily be engaged without a ring and married in a small, inexpensive ceremony, but that''s just not something he''s willing to compromise on. It''s very important to him that he get me a ring that he thinks I "deserve" and that we can celebrate our wedding with lots of friends and family. In short, he''s unwilling to propose without a ring, so nothing I say can really impact our timeline.

 

[Blackpaw]

Its funny how people assume its the girls doing when financial reasons stop a couple engaged!

My SO is the same sparkly, id get engaged tomorrow without a ring but he has some elaborate set-up planned and wants to get me the ring of my dreams. what an a*^hole

sometimes i get really sad about how far away we are from an engagement, but then i remind myself that its my own priorities that has done it....i put travel above saving for a ring everytime...hence no ring!

but it is comfort to know that they''d marry us in a heartbeat if it werent for cash hey?

 

[Tuckins1]

This was the case with my best friends- he wanted to propose to her, but he didn''t have the funds. I was going to give him an old diamond ring that I had (previous engagement that lasted all of 6 weeks...)He was going to take it back to the store and trade it in. I wasn''t charging him, just giving to him out right. I had the ring in my car, going to give it to him later in the day... Someone broke into my car while I was at the gym and stole it.

I the told him that we would front the money for the ring and he could just pay us back over time- however long it took. He ended up getting her a .5 ct princess in a simple yellow gold setting. I was so happy that I could help them because she was starting to feel really down about the whole thing. It sucks having to wait for something that is so important to you because of lack of funds....

 

[SparklyRing]

Thanks for your input!

Lozza - I''ve already discussed it with him, but he did not want me to help pay for it. I even offered to pay for just the setting, but he refused. And just like in your situation, our idea of a "nice ring" is definitely NOT the same as PS''s!

misskitty - I''m glad I''m not alone in this situation! While his parents have offered to help pay for most of the wedding, we''d still like a small and inexpensive ceremony with our families and a few good friends.

Blackpaw - Yes, it is very comforting! That''s what I keep telling myself, even though the wait is starting to get agonizing.

Tuckins1 - I''m so sorry someone stole the diamond! But how generous of you to have offered it to your friends! And your last sentence exactly summarizes my frustration.

 

[AustenNut]

I''m sort of in this situation. I''ve told my bf in no uncertain terms that I do not want him going into debt to get the ring. And he''s trying to get debt free (or very close to it) by the time we''re married, so he''s been paying extra on his credit cards. So it doesn''t leave a lot of extra funds to put away in the bank. But my bf''s plan is to use his income tax refund to get me a ring, and I''ve been very purposeful about showing him things I like that are moderately priced. In fact, this Thursday we''ll be looking at some sapphires that a local jewelry store has called in.

I guess I''m not frustrated about the finances for a couple of reasons. 1) I know he wants to marry me. 2) He''s given me a pretty concrete timeline of when things will move along further. 3) He is following my wishes about not adding to the debt, as he''d probably be willing to go further in debt in order to be engaged sooner. 4) He''s eliminating his cc debt. All of this helps to keep me sane and happy.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

It''s already been said, but I think it''s worth saying again: you don''t need a ring or a big expensive wedding to get married. I too think the correlation between money and engagement/marriage is an interesting one. I agree with GLEAM in that you need to think about what this is really about: having a ring that''s nice by your standards, or if it''s really about the fact that your boyfriend has student loans. Personally, I think that using finances as a reason to not get engaged/married is generally a cop-out by the person using the excuse and you should call his bluff. You stated yourself that he has a professional job and has some savings; so clearly he''s not destitute.

I hardly think having student loans make marriage impossible. Sheesh, if I waited until my student loans would be paid off to get married then I wouldn''t get married until I turned 40 - and I''m 27 now. I was 22 (nearly 23) when DH and I got married, and we made it. Sure, we''ve been through tough financial times but we''ve also had very good financial times together and we''re not wealthy by any means - especially compared to a lot of the women that post here on PS.

That said, I agree that you shouldn''t go into unnecessary debt in order to get an engagement ring or to have an extravagent wedding. Buy a ring that you can afford to pay for with cash and plan your wedding in a comfortable budget.

 

[MrsHToBe]

Date: 10/16/2009 6:32:24 PM
Author: SparklyRing
In my case, SO is certain and eager, but is saving up. He is also against my helping to pay for the ring..

SO is traditional and wants the engagement to be with a ring that he worked hard for, followed by a wedding.

This is our situation, pretty much to a ''T''. FF had saved up last year, but we hit a financial snag (I lost my job; trouble finding jobs--the both of us), and then he had to start all over again. We''ve been together just short of 9 years now, and also have a 5-year-old DD, so he''s eager to get married, but finances can be a PITA.. period.

 

[misskitty]

Date: 10/18/2009 1:02:04 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007
It''s already been said, but I think it''s worth saying again: you don''t need a ring or a big expensive wedding to get married. I too think the correlation between money and engagement/marriage is an interesting one. I agree with GLEAM in that you need to think about what this is really about: having a ring that''s nice by your standards, or if it''s really about the fact that your boyfriend has student loans. Personally, I think that using finances as a reason to not get engaged/married is generally a cop-out by the person using the excuse and you should call his bluff. You stated yourself that he has a professional job and has some savings; so clearly he''s not destitute.

I don''t mean to be argumentative, but how exactly does one start that conversation? The bluff-calling, if you will. I mean, it just doesn''t seem right to say "Hey sweetie, I know we''ve talked about finances, and you''re working hard to pay off your debt and be financially secure, but someone told me that you don''t need to have a lot of money to get engaged/married, so what is your deal?"

 

[SparklyRing]

Date: 10/18/2009 1:02:04 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007
It''s already been said, but I think it''s worth saying again: you don''t need a ring or a big expensive wedding to get married. I too think the correlation between money and engagement/marriage is an interesting one. I agree with GLEAM in that you need to think about what this is really about: having a ring that''s nice by your standards, or if it''s really about the fact that your boyfriend has student loans. Personally, I think that using finances as a reason to not get engaged/married is generally a cop-out by the person using the excuse and you should call his bluff. You stated yourself that he has a professional job and has some savings; so clearly he''s not destitute.


I hardly think having student loans make marriage impossible. Sheesh, if I waited until my student loans would be paid off to get married then I wouldn''t get married until I turned 40 - and I''m 27 now. I was 22 (nearly 23) when DH and I got married, and we made it. Sure, we''ve been through tough financial times but we''ve also had very good financial times together and we''re not wealthy by any means - especially compared to a lot of the women that post here on PS.


That said, I agree that you shouldn''t go into unnecessary debt in order to get an engagement ring or to have an extravagent wedding. Buy a ring that you can afford to pay for with cash and plan your wedding in a comfortable budget.

Actually, I know that he''s not using it as a bluff. He''s expressed his desire to get married many times and has even discussed it with our friends and families. He has a professional job and some savings, but because he doesn''t want to go into any debt for a ring, he''s still saving up to get me one that I "deserve," to quote his words exactly.

Also, I never said anything about student loans making marriage impossible. He and I have discussed this and we both know that we will get married when he still has some left to pay.

 

[lucyandroger]

SparklyRing, there are LOTS of ladies in the same situation. My SO and I decided we wanted to buy a house before spending money on a ring and a wedding. That was how we prioritized.

I have to disagree that not getting engaged/married because of finances is generally a cop-out. If a couple can save up and wait a couple years to have the rings and wedding of their dreams, then why rush and settle on everything? Each couple has to make the decision for themselves. Some people would prefer to be financially stable before getting married, that doesn't mean that they don't want to be married.

ETA - SparklyRing, it sounds like you have a financially responsible guy who is committed and loves you a ton. You're going to get the gorgeous ring you deserve - you just have to be patient (the hard part!)...posting on here helps.

 

[MermaidKelly]

My situation is pretty similar. My guy really wants to marry me too, we just aren't at that point in our lives yet. He has a job, but not a 'GOOD JOB'. We are nowhere near financially stable yet. I am lucky if I get 10 hours or so a week at my job, and he never has much money because he pays for his car insurance, gas, and cell phone. I am just so frustrated because I know what I want...what WE want...and it is just not possible yet!

(sorry for the rant...I'm just SO upset right now!! He works so much and he has NOTHING to show for it! (He works at a crappy clothing store) We only get to see eachother a couple days of the week because of his crappy work scedule, and neither of our parents allow "sleepovers" so it's not like I could come over late at night and stay like many women get to do with their boyfriend!) I WANT TO GET ENGAGED! MARRIED! I WANT THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT!!

 

[SparklyRing]

Hi lucyandroger,

I completely agree with you on the financially stable part! Thanks so much for your response. It made me feel a lot better. And posting on here definitely helps me get things off of my chest!

 

[SparklyRing]

Date: 10/19/2009 1:38:30 AM
Author: MermaidKelly

My situation is pretty similar. My guy really wants to marry me too, we just aren''t at that point in our lives yet. He has a job, but not a ''GOOD JOB''. We are nowhere near financially stable yet. I am lucky if I get 10 hours or so a week at my job, and he never has much money because he pays for his car insurance, gas, and cell phone. I am just so frustrated because I know what I want...what WE want...and it is just not possible yet!


(sorry for the rant...I''m just SO upset right now!! He works so much and he has NOTHING to show for it! (He works at a crappy clothing store) We only get to see eachother a couple days of the week because of his crappy work scedule, and neither of our parents allow ''sleepovers'' so it''s not like I could come over late at night and stay like many women get to do with their boyfriend!) I WANT TO GET ENGAGED! MARRIED! I WANT THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT!!

HUGS!!!!!! Oh, I''m experiencing the same feelings that you are! Feel free to rant; I''ve found that it makes me feel a lot better to be able to share my story with people who are in similar situations.

May I ask how old you and your bf are? I am curious because, from what you''ve said, it sounds like you''re both young. Your situation with your parents is very similar to mine two years ago when I was a senior in college. Since my tuition was covered through a scholarship, I lived at home so that I wouldn''t have to pay room and board. My bf had already graduated a year earlier and was working at his current job 70 miles away. Although he did not live with his parents, mine were very strict and did not allow any overnight stays at all.

I saw him maybe twice or three times a month. It was a very difficult period because we hardly ever saw each other, but we got through it and it ultimately grew closer because of it. I am sure the same thing will happen with you and your bf. Just hang in there!

So now I am at grad school and living on my own. He and I are still in different cities, but we''re only 30 miles away and we see each other at least once a week. It''s still a lot less than I''d prefer, but, as the other ladies have said, all I can do is be happy that I have him and be patient until we can take that next step.

So, MermaidKelly, be happy that your bf loves you and that you have each other. Crappy jobs don''t last a lifetime and you both will find good ones in the future. Your situation is also just temporary. As difficult as it may seem, it''s actually good for your relationship because it will bring you closer together. Just think about how great it will be when you can finally be married...that''s what I do!

 

[tlh]

Date: 10/18/2009 11:15:13 PM
Author: lucyandroger


ETA - SparklyRing, it sounds like you have a financially responsible guy who is committed and loves you a ton. You''re going to get the gorgeous ring you deserve - you just have to be patient (the hard part!)...posting on here helps.

HUGE ditto!

 

[absolut_blonde]

SO blamed it on money issues and I would say it was the primary- but perhaps not the only- factor. I was ready before he was by probably 6 or so months. I wouldn''t say money was a cop-out, but I think that he didn''t FEEL fully ready because of money. Know what I mean? But once the timing worked out and he got a big side job (and we didn''t need the money too badly for anything else), he used the money from that for a ring, and then the rest is history.

 

[MermaidKelly]

Thanks so much SparklyRing! I was really hoping someone would respond, so I was so happy to read your post!

Oh and to answer your question, I am 22 and my bf is 21.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

We are in that situation. My BF was out of a job for 6 months and just got a new one and has been working for 3 weeks. I am 30 and we have been together for about 2 1/2 years and so I am ready to be engaged and get married. I talked to him about it, and he kind of used the same wording that i have seen on this thread. He at first told me he wasn''t sure if he wanted to get married, and I got really upset. Than he got the job in Texas, and he is not a fan of this state. So we sat down again, and he made it very clear to me me was not going to TX for the job, but for me, and that he would not be moving to a different state if he was not planning on marrying me. He said that he was trying to play "uncertain" to keep me surprised, and I told him that was a bad idea because at this point I deserve an honest assessment of where we are.

I put out the idea of getting engaged without a ring (or a diamond band) and he would not hear any of it. He told me that he needs to feel he can provide for me and that means that he can get me the ring I deserve. He stated that I have a higher degree than him, make equal income as him, and that he followed me for my job. He said he is OK with that because he wanted a girl with her own career. But that for the engagement, he wants to be the "man" and do things traditionally. He told me he needed to do it to feel good about himself.

I have talked to one married guy about it (without going into detail) and he told me that moving out to TX was a really big step for him and to back off and let him do this. He said to take the move as a really good sign.

I guess the engagement is really the guy''s moment, once wedding planning takes over, the bride takes center stage.

 

[babygirl]

I''m in a similar boat as well, Sparkly. T moved home a year ago (after living on his own for several years) to finish paying down debt and saving for a ring. Fast forward one year and still no ring. I''m getting seriously impatient, but he keeps telling me that he wants to get engaged and it will be soon but he just needs to save more money. (As I''m thinking, what have you been DOING this whole time?!?!)

(When he moved home last fall, he also told me that we''d be engaged before summer... and then we''d DEFINITELY be engaged before another one of his friends and his fiance.. and then definitely by the end of summer.. and then definitely by my bday this month. Currently, we are not engaged. haha, I''m not even going to say anything further about this because I''ll get so frustrated!)

T is an investment accountant and financial stability is very important to him. However- I don''t think this was the case a few years ago when he was younger and single, so now he''s trying to make up for lost time. I think in his head he wants to have like, $x saved up by the time he''s married and $x saved up for a ring and he just has all of these strange money rules he''s trying to stick with. (I''m pretty good with money when but definitely don''t understand the desire to have a certain amount saved up in order to get married-note, this isn''t money that will be spent on a wedding, just savings).

We''ve been dating just shy of three years (we''re 2 and I''ve been ready to get engaged/married for-honestly, a year and a half. (When we first started dating, I told him that I wasn''t interested in dating for several years before getting engaged and after 3 years, I''m losing patience and fast). He''s been talking about it since we were several months into the relationship, but I definitely don''t think he was mentally/emotionally ready until recently. Now that he IS ready, he''s frustrated he can''t afford what he wants yet. We''ve been shopping together and he knows what I like and what he likes and how much things cost.. (I''ve offered to help pay but he didn''t want any part of that idea).

So now I''m just waiting... not very patiently, it would seem. This probably isn''t super helpful for you, but I wanted to let you know that there are definitely liw in your situation

Hang in there- I know it will be worth it in the end!

(Whoa, sorry- didn''t realize this post was going to be so long!)