some post wedding ques

[janinegirly]

hi all!

i have some "post wedding" questions, some are probably not that proper and others are silly but i really am curious and figure this is the place to go (i might get eaten alive at theknot.com

).

*how do you handle guests who came to your wedding, but did not bring a gift. I have 3-4 people who did this and ironically they were all close friends of mine (some who came with guests). I don''t know why it bothers me, it''s not about the gift (since there were plenty of guests who gave very small gifts), but the fact that they did not even give me a card..kind of the principal of the whole thing. I''m wondering how to bite my lip when interacting with them as things return to normal..

*how do you gals wash your hands with your new riings? I love my new rings (e-ring with full eternity band) but washing my hands with soap can get tricky since soap can get stuck in the eternity band..any tips?


thanks!

 

[partyjewels]

I can''t help you too much with the ring thing, but I would say let it go about the gifts/cards. They came and shared in your day, and gifts are not a requirement for weddings, and really, neither are cards. My FI would probably be happy if we didn''t get any cards because he thinks they''re a waste of money! I''m a card person though, I love picking them out and I love giving them. I''m sure I might be a little miffed if my close friend didn''t give me a card, but I know I''d have to just let it go because really, what are you going to say to them about it?

Also, how long ago was the wedding? We went to a wedding recently where we forgot to bring our card, and for whatever reason didn''t get around to mailing it out till about 2 weeks after the wedding..

 

[Selkie]

Give your friends a chance...it''s been almost three months since ours, and we''re still getting the occasional gift or card, even from very close friends. We didn''t let it bother us that they didn''t give us anything at the time, because many of them travelled cross-country, and because some people go by the 1 year rule for giving gifts (I don''t, but it seems to be a fairly widely accepted rule.) And even if they never do, it was so much more important that they were there for us that day.

 

[janinegirly]

good points, thank you for setting me straight. i guess it just bothered me that the only people who came empty handed were my close friends who were close to the planning process. i guess i feel it''s a like it was kind of an insult but not much i can do. end of the day, i am very happy they shared the day with me.

thanks for the feedback..

 

[risingsun]

We had this situation with one guest. I finally contacted her. I felt very torn about speaking with her and said that her presence was the best gift in the world to us, but just in case she had brought something, I wanted to make sure it hadn''t gone missing. Well...she had brought a gift and it did go missing and was never found!! Another way to handle it might be to send a thank you card that says how much you enjoyed that person''s presence at your wedding--and leave it at that. If they did bring a gift, maybe they''ll ask you if you received it. Good luck!

 

[AceP]

wanted to throw in my two cents here - i tend to be a late gift-giver. i get around to it eventually, but i love buying people things and sometimes it just takes some time to find something i think is perfect for that person. and it''s funny that you mention close friends - it tends to take me longer to give a gift for people i''m close to. i think that''s partially because i want to find something really meaningful, and partially - especially when i was a bit younger - that weddings (particularly being in weddings) can be such a cash drain. when i was in my early/mid-20s i generally needed a couple of months to regroup financially. so i would suggest giving people some time.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/15/2007 12:12:36 PM
Author: risingsun

Another way to handle it might be to send a thank you card that says how much you enjoyed that person''s presence at your wedding--and leave it at that. If they did bring a gift, maybe they''ll ask you if you received it. Good luck!

That''s exactly what I was going to suggest.

Did you have any gifts that weren''t signed by anyone?

 

[blueyes157]

You may want to ask them... My mom''s friend recently got married and someone (they still are not sure) stole envelopes with cash in it and some of the presents were taken. She found out because a guest, a few weeks after the wedding, asked her if she had entertained yet with the silver serving platter she had given her. Well suprise, suprise there was no serving platter. The couple called all the guests to confirm what they had given and explained that some of the gifts were missing. Well it turned out A LOT of things were missing.

It may be an akward phone call, but if they had given a gift and you never send a Thank You card, they may be thinking you are ungreatful, or that you didn''t like the gift, etc.

 

[Haven]

I agree that the best way to handle the gift situation is to wait a few weeks and to then say something like "I''m so sorry you haven''t received a thank you letter from us, but I fear that your gift was accidentally misplaced." It is important that you mention it because you don''t want your guests to be offended if they DID bring a gift and you don''t send a thank you letter. If they did not bring a gift, then they are the ones who should feel uncomfortable in this situation.

I just have to take a moment to say that a)This is another reason why this habit of bringing gifts to the actual reception should be stopped. Guests can (and should) send gifts to the bride''s (or her parents'' home) prior to the wedding, and bringing them to the reception puts an unneccessary burden on the couple to keep track of the gifts, and to lug them to their home after the reception. And, b) The rumor that people have one year to give a gift is just that: a rumor. Please don''t spread this rumor, ladies, it is untrue! (I know many people believe this to be fact, it is not. Gifts should be given before the wedding, or in the very least, on the day of.)

Eternity band--I always take my e-ring off before I wash my hands. The stone is set on a shared-prong eternity band and I don''t like to get soap stuck in my precious jewelry!

 

[surfgirl]

You know, even though we eloped, we sent out announcements, not because we wanted gifts, but because we wanted some way of sharing our happy news with those we care about. Now mind you, I did think that my parents friends would send a gift anyway because my parents have given their kids gifts for years and they''ve never had an opportunity to give me anything (I''m talking bar mitzvahs, engagement gift, wedding gift, baby shower gift, baby gift - that''s a lot of gifts over the years!). I was a bit surprised I''ve only gotten two gifts from my parents two oldest friends, one of whom I dont really know. But more than that I was put off that some of my closest friends didn''t even send a card. I too am a card person. I think it''s so impersonal to send an email on such an important occasion. I think even if you want to call the person, for god''s sake send a card anyway. It''s the thought that counts most. So yeah, I understand how you feel. But I wouldn''t say anything about the few people who didn''t bring a gift. I guess you have to let it go and I have to let it go that people I thought were close friends couldn''t be bothered to send a card. What can you do? As someone else said, if they did send a gift and you dont get it, they''ll ask you eventually. I would. And to that end, sometimes things take a long time to order. I know something my aunt ordered took nearly 2 months to order from the manufacturer so perhaps they''ve sent something that hasn''t arrived yet.

Lastly, can I ask HAVEN, why do you say that wedding gifts should be sent before the wedding or given on the day of? I''ve never heard, read or seen that anywhere. Personally, I dont give a wedding gift until after the wedding has actually happened. I dont feel right giving a gift beforehand. What''s wrong with sending something right after the wedding?

 

[Pandora II]

In the UK, you either take gifts with you or buy from the registry so they are delivered whenever...

I''m feeling very guilty having read this as we went to a wedding in Italy in June and since the couple lived in the UK we didn''t take the gift so it didn''t have to be lugged home by them.

It is currently sitting on my bookcase as FI hasn''t given me their address (friend of his) and I keep forgetting to ask - it''s also sitting there because I''m not totally happy with what we got them and I''m trying to get the thing I did want to give them.

They know as we told them we had got something just hadn''t posted it yet. To be honest though, it was not an inexpensive trip for us and so they should know that the fact we were there is more important than the gift.


Personally I don''t care if no-one gives us gifts (except one friend of my dads who is an artist - I love his work and he gave my sister a painting for her wedding. He knows me very well, but didn''t know her at all - so I''m hoping

) I''d just like them to have a good time.

I really wouldn''t get hung up about it though.

 

[Gwyn]

not to change the topic of the original post but, in my circle, gifts are sent the the bride's home before the actual wedding.

I haven't had my wedding yet but i have two people at my work dealing with this. I personally feel really weird about the whole gift thing/register but FI said he bought all his friends gifts and thinks we should register too. We probably will since there will be people who want to get us stuff and will even if we don't register lol.

I do not, however, think it is wrong to want a card or something expressing their happiness for you. Even if you are not a card person, you should thank the bride and groom for inviting you to share their day and wish them well. it shows your appreication and your affection for the couple and also gives them a keepsake. I would definitely give it some time (a month or so after the wedding) and then use the approach mentioned that you were just checking to see if it wasnt stolen. If you wanted you could tell them you had a nameless gift and ask if it was from them, if they are close friends it wouldn't be so weird to say "hey I know that you being at the wedding was a gift to us but we got a waffle maker without a name (or whatever) was that from you?

Granted lying is not usually a good policy but at least you could see if he or she was like "no i got the place setting" or not. And if you preface it with the acknolegement that you appreciated he/she being there as much as any store bought gift, i dont think that they would be insulted.

Oh another thing that i have heard is that people who travel for weddings often consider that their gift also people who are actually in someones wedding consider that a gift as well. Since they have to buy dresses and put in for showers and such. Not sure where this idea comes from, probably a fiscal rationality. But I do know some that think that that is what is proper and wouldn't even imagine you would feel slighted by their lack of acknowlegement.

Just my thoughts.

 

[Haven]

Surfgirl--Growing up, my parents and other family members always gave gifts before weddings, and I recall witnessing my mother's surprise when we went to a wedding where several guests brought the gifts to the reception. There was also a big to-do at my own bat mitzvah over whether we should set up a separate "gift table" as my mother thought it was silly to even think that people wouldn't send the gifts in the mail beforehand. I will say that I've seen many people bring gifts to weddings over the last couple years, but I still find it surprising.

Since then, I've read similar things in many places. I'll dig up some quotes from my trusted etiquette books for you:

Miss Manners' Guide to Excrutiatingly Correct Behavior: "Please don't bring presents to weddings or wedding reception. Please. Let us stamp out this unfortunate practice. For one thing, the bride and bridegroom cannot take the time from their guests to open presents. For another, they (or their parents) must then figure out how to get the present hom, or carry it with them on their honeymoon." (432)

Emily Post's Etiquette: "Gifts are usually sent by mail or delivery service. Traditionally, gifts are addressed to the bride and delivered to her parent's home before the wedding or addressed to the couple and sent to their home after the wedding." (671)

Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette: "There is a popular misconception that you have a year's grace before sending a wedding present. This is not so. Unless there's a special reason for not doing so, the wedding present is sent before the wedding. Taking presents to the reception has drawbacks; someone has to watch them during the reception, and someone has to be responsible for seeing that they are transported home." (352)

Janine--Gwyn suggestion about referring to a nameless gift is excellent--great call, Gwyn. I think I may use that myself in the future!

 

[surfgirl]

Haven, thanks for those quotes...I do agree wholeheartedly about not bring gifts to an event. I think it''s odd personally because who wants to deal with that? But I dont think it''s weird to send a gift to the couple right after their wedding...and one of your quotes says that''s acceptable. That''s what I usually do.

 

[Haven]

I think that over time it has become more acceptable to send gifts after the event, but still only if something bars you from doing so prior. The Emily Post Institute is the most accommodating for changes as society becomes less interested in traditional decorum, so I''m sure that statement is a pretty accurate reflection of how people generally do things these days.

I just love Miss Manners, though, she has a way of saying things . . .

The bottom line: if you''re giving someone a gift, before, during, or after an event, I''m sure they will be grateful and touched to receive it!

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 10/15/2007 9:57:29 PM
Author: Haven
I think that over time it has become more acceptable to send gifts after the event, but still only if something bars you from doing so prior. The Emily Post Institute is the most accommodating for changes as society becomes less interested in traditional decorum, so I''m sure that statement is a pretty accurate reflection of how people generally do things these days.

I just love Miss Manners, though, she has a way of saying things . . .

The bottom line: if you''re giving someone a gift, before, during, or after an event, I''m sure they will be grateful and touched to receive it!

I agree, Haven! Good call! I think anytime you want to send a gift is fine, however, unless the couple lives and/or has family nearby the venue, I would hesitate to take the gift to the actual event...just for the fact of them having to deal with and transport back to their home. Shipping rates are getting to be so high that I can see why many are opting to carry the gifts with them to the wedding, but that''s just my thought on it!

I also agree that you may want to wait a bit before contacting your friends, and then seek these people out...I have been to a few weddings where gifts went missing, and the couple never would''ve known if they hadn''t asked. You may want to mention you''re almost done with your thank-you''s and hope you didn''t miss anyone, but you think you got to everyone who sent you a gift. I don''t know how that would work, but it could be worth a try.

Also, I was in my friend''s wedding last year, traveled several hundred miles by plane with a load of crap to put on a bridal shower, where I provided activities, prizes AND a huge shower gift full of goodies, along with her Bride''s Emergency Bag that she ASSIGNED me to make her! I also flew down again for the wedding, for which I had already ordered her wedding gift online, she had received and she acknowledged in a phone call saying she got it, but she never sent a thank you card, so I am aware she got it, but she never once said thanks. It still burns me up the amount of money I spent on her wedding, and then never received a thank you for the gift OR for being a huge part of her special day. I cannot imagine not thanking my friends for their efforts towards my big day, even if it was just showing up in the dress and shoes I''d provided for them!

Okay, I''m getting a little heated...must be the cough syrup with codeine kicking in...thanks for letting me get that off my chest! Phew!