Some wonderful people

[allycat0303]

Well I feel terrible because I posted on 1800-flowers, because I had a terrible, terrible night and I got so many PM''s asking if I was alright which wasn''t my intention. So Teebee, Kaleigh, Boom, Virginia, Bridget, Firegoddess thank you so much for writing. So I thought I would post here, and thank you ladies for being SO KIND. I haven''t logged in to pricescope for days so I had no idea that you ladies had written to me. The funny part was that night I had written this long post because I REALLY needed advice, but then deleted it because I didn''t know what to say/do.

As many of you know, I have major issues with future-brother-in-law. Well on our gift exchange day, he spent the night making fun of my present to my sister. (She has asked for cooking book, untensils) So I made her a pseudo gift basket with all the stuff in it. In any case, he kept saying "why would you waste your money", " this is useless" etc. In any case then he starts talking about how when he has his kitchen it''s going to "be marble and granite, high end, unlike your cheap kitchen" (this was directed at my boyfriend who recently purchased a house). In any case, he is the one that is 29, living at parents house, lied about having a job for 3 years, and they pay everything. A real prince.

The situation stuck in my craw, but as always I kept my mouth shut, because my sister had a very violent altercation with my mom a month ago over the FBIL. The situation has been volatile because at one point my parents threatened to disown her if she didn''t leave him, so she''s getting a lot of pressure to break up with him.

So that night, I said to my sister "why did T. say those things because they bothered me?" In any case, as soon as I said this, she threw a plate at me and ran upstairs. I went up to apologize, and when she opened the door, she lterally beat me up. She is quite a bit taller and stronger then me, and sprained both my wrists, and I have bruised ribs from the hits. My parents took me to the hospital, and they are devestated. I''ve never been physically in so much pain.

I have to say it was the darkest night of my life. Mainly because my sister has always been my best friend. She has never touched me before, and I can''t even remember the last time we raised our voices. It was a shocking and extremely painful expereince. She apologized the morning after, said she had so much rage, because she feels as though everyone in the family is trying to turn her against T.

Maybe it''s small and mean of me, but I don''t forgive her. I feel betrayed because although I complain on the forum about him, in real life, I 99.9% keep my mouth shut at all times. In fact I''m the only one that still speaks to FBIL. So she has no cause to be angry at me. I feel like the FBIL is a major loser. Not only that, I feel that he''s making her act/do things that are completely out of character. She also said some things to my mother that are truly hideous. I just think she''s a lost cause, she''s beautiful, intelligent (future doctor) but I think that her choice for a husband is going to destroy her (and possibly our family). I don''t know I feel like a bad person for not forgiving, but I just can''t.

In any case, thank you to all of you for your kindness. In some ways, it''s good that the forum is anonymous, because no one else knows what happened, and it''s been inside me like some sort of secret. This is truly the most caring forum. Hugs to all of you wonderful people.

Ally

 

[Kaleigh]

Ally,
I am sooo sorry. I was wondering where you have been. I am so sorry about your sister. That''s terrible. Your FBIL sounds like a very insecure person. {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}} Hope your ribs and wrists heal quickly. And hope your sister realises what a great sister she has in you.

 

[FireGoddess]

Ally,

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am glad that you posted though, because I''ve been wondering how you''re doing. I don''t blame you one bit for not forgiving your sister. Sometimes, sorry just doesn''t cut it, and I think this is one of those situations. Your FBIL is being verbally abusive to everyone in your family, and that is absolutely unacceptable. Your sister allows him to do this, and by not telling him it''s unacceptable, she''s giving him free reign on your family, which it appears he''s taking. I would never allow someone to talk to me like that, especially someone who''s supposed to be ''joining the family????????''

Your sister needs to get a serious grip because not only is she deeply insecure, but she has seriously dangerous rage issues. Frankly, I would look her in the face and say that if she ever directs physical anger towards you again, the cops will be the first people called. And that in order for your relationship to continue, she needs some anger management treatment. It is absolutely NOT NORMAL to respond to a simple innocent question by throwing a plate at someone. And I can''t even get started on her physically attacking you...her own sister.

What I also don''t understand is that she''s angry at everyone in the family for trying to turn her against her fiance. Normally one would expect a damn good reason but he shows her the reason every time he''s with all of you....he abuses all of you in her face! Is that not reason enough????? I would never let ANYONE treat my family that way. I''m sure he''s a peach with her though

. Your parents are right to tell her that she needs to get rid of him or stay away, because frankly, he is clearly a destructive force that threatens all of you. And if your sister won''t get out of the way of the tornado, your mom is right to demand that the rest of you be sheltered from it.

***hugs***

 

[Boom]

Ally,

I''m so sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your sister. I hope she sees the light soon.
Be strong.>

 

[Patty]

Wow, Alley, I''m sorry that you are going through this.

Maybe the FBIL needs the family to stand up to him a bit more? Not that you have to confront him or start a fight but you could just reply to his jabs by defending yourself or ask him, "Why would you say such a cruel thing?" It sounds like he''s a bully and he''s getting away with it.

 

[Caribou]

Oh Ally, I''m really sorry for you and your family.

I''m glad she apologized but I don''t think it''s small or mean of you not to forgive her. I wouldn''t forgive my sister if she did that...h*ll I would probably never speak to her again. That kind of rage is serious and she needs to get help....at my lowest angriest point in life I would never even think to beat a friend or family member up!

I agree with, Fire, she has serious insecurity issues and I''m sort of wondering if a lot of her anger comes from the fact that she deep down feels you all have valid reasons for disliking her boyfriend. Also, if her boyfriend is like that with you, there''s not telling how he is with her. Hopefully she''ll leave this loser and get help for her anger.

One question, please don''t take offense, is it possible that drugs could be involved? You said that she has never acted this way before....I know that some drugs can make someone very violent.

 

[Rube]

I, too, noticed your odd post in 1-800-Flowers, and I see it is completely justified!

It is a shame that your family is going through this. Sort of along the lines of Caribou''s post... do you think FBIL may be hurting your sister at home? For her to show such rage, it''s almost like she has been exposed to it somewhere else for it to just now show up.

I have been in a situation where I have had to call the cops and hospitalize a mentally ill parent (not that I am at all saying your sister should be hospitalized!) But, I want to reassure you, that if this gets out of hand, you will help your family AND her by protecting everyone from physical violence (and continued emotional abuse) calling on an outside source.

I really hope for the best for you and your family!!! What a damper on your new engagement and home- and a hurtful break in the relationship with your sister.

 

[widget]

Oh, Dear Me!!! Ally....I''m so sorry you''re going through this!

Regardless of the reason (and it sounds like your FBIL is the "reason") your sister sounds disturbed....particularly if these rages and violence are ''new''. Has there been any discussion of this possibility among your family? She certainly sounds like she needs professional help.

I''d even consider some kind of ''intervention''...like threatening to have her arrested for assault if she doesn''t seek help right away.


My thoughts and prayers are with you
widget

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 1/11/2006 1:04:14 PM
Author: Caribou

One question, please don''t take offense, is it possible that drugs could be involved? You said that she has never acted this way before....I know that some drugs can make someone very violent.

Also hope you don''t take offense, but this was the very first thing that crossed my mind. This is highly unusual behaviour from a grown female, especially a sibling. I am surprised that the hospital didn''t ask you to file a report.

Her behavious is unacceptable. I wouldn''t go near her or FBIL with a 10 foot pole.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I''m totally shocked and very, very sorry that this has happened! It''s absolutely awful. I too wonder if a mental illness or drugs are involved; it might be worth checking on some domestic abuse websites. I hope your physical wounds are doing better, and can''t imagine how your feelings are doing.

 

[MissAva]

I don’t know how your legal system interacts with your medical licenses, but in the USA psychical abusing someone can, and almost always does, lead to a loss of medical license.
Does she realize that she is risking her entire life by behaving this way? If she hurts you or anyone else again she could lose her profession and if she does not quit acting out she will lose the family which clearly loves her.

Is you sister living at home full time? If so your parents need to take firm stand about not ever allowing FBIL on the property, call the police if he comes back over. If you are thinking it may be drugs as others have mentioned there are at home drug kits available and your parents may want to consider one.

You are her sister and you love her, the pain of what is going has radiated in every post written with him involved. Your sister is being very self centered her and only considered how the family is “harassing” her, she needs to be forced to look at what she is doing to the rest of the family. What if she had broken your wrists rather then sprained them, you might have lost your ability to practice. Or what if she had not just bruised your ribs but caused internal bleeding or damaged organs? Her behavior sounds like it is escalating, she needs help before she loses complete control. Otherwise she needs to be removed from your life.

 

[platinumrock]

Ally, you''re a really big person to try and keep the peace between your sister and FBIL. I don''t think I would have been as patient. But your family doesn''t deserve this, nor do they have to put up with it. They don''t need to be disrespected in their house and neither do you. Obviously, your sister is so blinded and influenced by this man that she thinks it''s okay to physically abuse you to the point of hospitalization. She''s a grown woman who can make her own decisions. If she chooses this loser over her own family, so be it. Get ready to send cards and presents in the mail. Expect wedding and baby pictures through email.

Maybe she''ll come to her senses, maybe she won''t. Don''t hold your breath though. Right now, she''s a rabid dog who will attack anyone who comes close to her "precious". It''s better to stay away.

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

Honestly, you are all wonderful. It's funny because aside from my parents (and my boyfriend) no one knows about this, so it's good to get some feedback. We're the kind of people that everything is hush hush. My parents have NEVER mentioned the incident. They took me to the hospital, brought me home, and then acted like it never happened.

You have all brought up some points which I have NEVER considered.

My sister is the most mild manner, un tempermental child. She never yells, screams, etc., she has been (up until 2 months ago) been the angel daughter (I'm the devil). Good grades, great future, and truly, a beautiful girl. No exaggeration.

Drugs? I don't think so. Neither of us has ever had a sip of alchol (sp?) so I doubt that.... I don't really know anything though anymore because she's acting very out of character.

But many of you have said abuse...and I never thought of that. Maybe because her fiance is not the most robust guy (I'm sure you all get my meaning) that I could never see him doing that. BUT my sister did tell me that his father is cruel and verbally abusive to his mother (in public) actually my parents once had dinner at their house and remarked that there were some cruel comments made... but then I've never said that because a father is like that, then so is the son, but maybe I've totally overlooked this possibility because of some sterotype of what a person who "abuses" looks like?

But it IS true that he controls her. And she does allow him to say things to us that I also find totally unacceptable. But even at that, how to approach her with this subject? I am frankly afraid of her reaction. I think she will accuse me of trying to turn her against him again...

 

[MissAva]

What about suggesting pre-martial counseling? Then a professional could tell her that the relationship was unhealthy and that FBIL is a prat.
At some point I think you have to realize that you can only do so much, and that outside influence will be necessary.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Ally- It definitely sounds like your sister''s boyfriend is verbally abusive to her, and to you and your family. The sad thing is, he probably doesn''t realize what he''s doing b/c that''s the model his parents provided for him, so the cycle is just repeating itself. I definitely urge you to look into domestic abuse information. I was sort of in the same situation that your sister is in- my boyfriend had some mental issues and was verbally abusive to me. I too became defensive and protective of him. Unfortunately (or fortunately), that relationship ended for good when he shoved me into a wall. I thank God that all he left on me was a bruise that lasted for 8 days.

I hope you, your family, and your sister get the help you need. I know we don''t know each other well, but if you ever need to talk to someone who''s been there, you can PM me.

 

[njc]

Alley, I am very sorry for what has happened to you! I hope you feel better soon and can find a resolution. I cannot believe your sister reacted the way she did! It is a difficult situation when you want your sibling to be happy, but at the same time know the relationship he/she is in is wrong.

My brother (32 yr old) was in a long relationship that no one in our family nor any of his friends approved of. The girl was honestly nuts and dragging my brother down with her. My brother knew this, but at the same time, couldnt let go. Without going into great detail, SHE was extremly abusive... verbally and physically both to my brother and his posessions (car, cell phone, clothing).

It was a major strain on our family. No one wanted to be around them, but at the same time, we were walking on egg shells trying not to push my brother away or upset him. We would try and talk to him (individually, so as to not gang up on him) and sometimes he would defend her and sometimes he agreed with our thoughts. He always made excuses for what had happened though. "She only did it because..." "I cant break up with her now because..."

I think you need to take the risk and talk to her about it. She may get upset with you again, or she may start to see the light and understand the control he has over her... even if it is months from now.

 

[bstraszheim]

Hi Ally, I am glad that you have posted. I hope that you will recover quickly!

Each and everyone of us has a responsibility to ourselves to stand up for ourselves. We *allow* others to treat us the way that they do. My aunt and uncle have a terribly dysfunctional relationship, and all I can think is, he allows her to talk to him that way, if the very first time she disrespected him and treated him like an idiot he had said "you will *not* talk to me this way" she would have had to step back and say "okay!".

In a similar manner, your FBIL''s parents have allowed themselves to be that way. I am thinking of his mother not standing up for herself. FBIL has seen this behaviour as acceptable from them and feels that he can behave just as badly, and no one is standing up to him either, which reenforces his mindset that it is acceptable. I tend to think that someone who has been exposed to abuse is either A) an abuser themselves or B) vehemently against abuse. I don''t think you can have seen abuse and be apathetic about it.

I am so sorry about what happened with your sister, you have mentioned before that you are close and this must be so hard for you. I would not approach her with the subject of his behaviour, I would call him on his insults and absolute rudeness. Oh and if he says anything else about your house, you can tell him that his castle in the air is safe harbour for a foolish man. Oh wait, he doesn''t have a house!! What a wanker he is.

I hope this will help you feel better and know that we are here for you.

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[widget]

Author: allycat0303
how to approach her with this subject? I am frankly afraid of her reaction.

Well, I certainly wouldn''t approach her without backup...(other family members, your FI, etc.)

Maybe you and your folks should get together and consult a therapist about how to best proceed, and IF you should proceed.

In the mean time, stay away from these people.

Good luck, Dear

widget

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/11/2006 1:25:22 PM
Author: widget
Oh, Dear Me!!! Ally....I''m so sorry you''re going through this!


Regardless of the reason (and it sounds like your FBIL is the ''reason'') your sister sounds disturbed....particularly if these rages and violence are ''new''. Has there been any discussion of this possibility among your family? She certainly sounds like she needs professional help.

I''d even consider some kind of ''intervention''...like threatening to have her arrested for assault if she doesn''t seek help right away.

My thoughts and prayers are with you

widget

I''m with Widget on this one. If an intervention didn''t work I''d want my parent to remove her from the home forcefully. People act out like this (physically) when they''re very disturbed (many onsets in mid-20s as I''m sure you know) or when they literally feel like their life is at stake. She may be so overinvolved in her destructive relationship that she believe she will CEASE TO EXIST without him ... & is, therefore, fighting for her life. (against her family).

Hoping for a resolution & peace for you soon! (I too noticed your 800 flowers comment but figured you''d tell us when you were ready)

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/11/2006 2:55:00 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/11/2006 1:25:22 PM
Author: widget
Oh, Dear Me!!! Ally....I''m so sorry you''re going through this!


Regardless of the reason (and it sounds like your FBIL is the ''reason'') your sister sounds disturbed....particularly if these rages and violence are ''new''. Has there been any discussion of this possibility among your family? She certainly sounds like she needs professional help.

I''d even consider some kind of ''intervention''...like threatening to have her arrested for assault if she doesn''t seek help right away.

My thoughts and prayers are with you

widget

I''m with Widget on this one. If an intervention didn''t work I''d want my parent to remove her from the home forcefully. People act out like this (physically) when they''re very disturbed (many onsets in mid-20s as I''m sure you know) or when they literally feel like their life is at stake. She may be so overinvolved in her destructive relationship that she believe she will CEASE TO EXIST without him ... & is, therefore, fighting for her life. (against her family).

Hoping for a resolution & peace for you soon! (I too noticed your 800 flowers comment but figured you''d tell us when you were ready)

Ditto.

 

[orangevixen]

Ally, I am so sorry for all you are going through. Please be strong. Even if it''s not physical, your sister IS in an abusive relationship. Her ''acting out'' behavior is a clear cry for help. PM me if you ever need or want to discuss it further. Suffice it to say, I come from experience...

***RESEARCHER*** where are you? please chime in here... Let''s hear it from the professional.

I''m glad that everyone could be here for you when you needed it most.

Hang in there, and know that we will continue to be here for you.

{{{HUGS}}}

-kelly

 

[Kaleigh]

Yes I would love to hear from researcher. I''ll PM her and tell her to repsond to this thread. She certainly knows her stuff.

 

[devientdrow]

Oh my goodness I am so very sorry to hear your news. I myself have lots of issues with two in laws, one more so than the other. I find myself never wanting to say anything because sometimes you just know it won''t do any good. When I was under wedding stress I did open my mouth a few times and i''m sorry I ever did.
You really have every right to feel betrayed but I do hope that it works out between you and your sister.It''s obvious you love her in the fact that you kept your mouth shut through being insulted. It''s also obvious that she took all her anger and frustration out on you. However there is no excuse for physical violence. You know usually people in caustic relationships like, i''ve been in one myself, know that they are in something bad. But it''s almost like a determination, the more people tell you how bad it is and to get out the more your determined to stay so much so that you don'';t even realize that your not happy anymore. I''m sure she will come around and see that she is in something bad, maybe this is the drastic thing that will open her eyes. I hope you heal fast and good, both physically and emotionally.

 

[princessv]

Oh allycat! How terrible for you!! I hope you recover quickly and I hope you stay safe!! *big hugs*

I completely agree with what the others said about some sort of intervention. I''ve said in one other post that I was involved in an extremely abusive (physically and verbally) relationship. It''s very very difficult for the person being controlled and manipulated to see things as they are. I only hope that your sister will eventually see that she will be better off without this guy. But that being said....she will not leave him no matter what everyone says until she is ready to. Surely if things are so bad, she has some clue that a ''normal'' relationship isn''t supposed to be this way with your whole family and yourself disliking him. Please PM if you ever want to talk. *big hugs again*

 

[anchor31]

And I thought my boyfriend''s parents were bad because they yell at each other all the time...

I''m really sorry to hear things are turning out so badly for your sister. If she''s always have a gentle temper, she definitely going through something terrible (probaby in her relationship) to respond to the family that way. She definitely needs professional help.

I don''t think you''re mean for not forgiving her. If my sister beat me up, I''d have a hard time forgiving her too. My 22 year-old brother has a hell of a temper and has sometimes thrown things at me and yelled names at me in the past, and he punched me in the face once in our early teens. He''s also had relationships with horrible girls that caused a lot of tension in the family. His ex actually tried to get pregnant so he wouldn''t get in the Navy. She was even successful, but she miscarried early enough so my parents don''t know about it. Let me tell you he''s not the family member I miss most when I''m away for school... These kind of things that can destroy a person or a family are hard to forgive and forget.

*hugs*

 

[icekid]

oh ally- I completely missed the flowers thread, so I had no idea! But I am so sorry to hear this. I cannot even imagine how furious you must be with your sister. If I were you I don''t think I would be able to forgive yet either. I think I would feel the same sort of shock as you do after being attacked by one of my siblings (whom I adore).

It sounds like your sister may be in a really bad situation with this guy, if she is becoming so enraged over such a benign question. I really hope for her sake (and yours, and your family''s!) that she is able to see what a creep this guy is. He is clearly not good for any of you.

I hope you are able to heal both physically and mentally soon! Drop me a pm anytime...

 

[Blue824]

Allycat, I am so sorry for what happened! My first thought was also verbal abuse and control issues with the bf. From the way she is acting, she probably is not happy in her relationship with him, but is afraid of what may happen if she tries to leave. I am glad you weren''t injured too badly, but even as physical wounds heal, the emotional impact will be hard to get past, its ok if you can''t forgive her right now. Regardless, this can''t be ignored by your family...you all need to speak to her. It''ll probably feel like she''s being ganged up on, maybe someone else knows how to go about doing that, but that is not appropriate at all, even with an apology. I do hope that your family is able to resolve this and mostly I hope your sister leaves this guy...

 

[ForteKitty]

Hire someone to "do away" with him. It may cost a bit of money, but your sister will be better off.

 

[strmrdr]

that sux :{
I saw you post and wondered what was wrong and sent up a prayer for you.
Prayers will be outgoing.

I agree with everyone else your sister needs professional help because something isnt right.

 

[MissGotRocks]

My guess is that your sister overreacted - even considering it was on such a grand scale - because deep down inside she knows that all of you are right about your feelings regarding the FBIL. She feels some of the same things but really doesn''t want to acknowledge it - not to herself and definitely not to her family. Not yet. Imagine the turmoil that must leave her in all the time - and especially when the family is together. Just because someone doesn''t verbally agree with you doesn''t mean that you and your family''s words and actions aren''t getting through to her. Unfortunately, this is just a situation she will have to work out for herself. It will also happen in her own time frame.

We can never truly control anything except ourselves. And that includes not having to take abusive behavior from anyone - not even a treasured sister. Forgiveness is not something that always comes overnight and you don''t have to push yourself to make a decision about that right now. I would make it perfectly clear to her that it will not - under any circumstance - be allowed to happen again. Not to you and not to anyone else in the family. Offering to be there for her and to help her in any way that you can does not mean being subjected to that kind of treatment. The rest is really up to her - and I wish you both all the best. The relationship with him obviously brings out the worst in her - should be a huge red flag to her. Let''s hope it soon will be.

Take care of yourself too - that''s a terrible experience to go through but hopefully in the end all will be well. It will take time.